Original subtitles

- Hey, what's up?

- Want some cheese?

- What is all that?

- I helped some guy get a job at the paper,

so he gave me, like, a cheese sampler.

- You've done nothing but eat cheese all day.

- I can't stop.

- That's a nice suitcase.

Can I borrow that when I go on my honeymoon?

- Yeah. Fine.

I'm sure the thing will still be sittin' there.

- What do you mean?

- Remember when Debra and I

went to Connecticut for the weekend?

- Sure, Raymond.

I remember every one of your comings and goings.

You're my whole life.

- You want to hear about it or not?

- Sadly, yes.

All right, well, we go away,

and we only take the one suitcase with us.

We had a good time gettin' away and everything,

but when we got home, we were very tired,

so we just dropped everything,

woke up the gruesome twosome that were here babysitting,

and went up to bed.

The suitcase was sittin' on the landing.

That was two weeks ago.

So life just kinda went on,

but then, after a few days,

I noticed it was still there.

At first, I thought Debra just hadn't gotten to it yet,

but then it was, like, a week.

- So why didn't you just move it yourself?

- Because I'm at work all day.

- Oh, and what Debra's doing isn't work?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're Mr. sensitive.

What I'm saying is that Debra's here.

She's walkin' by it a hundred times a day.

It should be drivin' her nuts by now.

At that point, I was like, "fine.

Doesn't bother her, it doesn't bother me."

Then a few days later,

I notice her wearing a sweater

that she brought with her on the trip.

- So?

- So that means she took it out of the suitcase.

Is that passive-aggressive or what?

So you know what I did?

I took my clothes out of the suitcase too

and walked right in front of her.

- What did that do?

- Nothin'.

Then yesterday,

I stubbed my toe on the damn thing.

So I say, to no one in particular,

"huh, that suitcase is still there?"

And she goes, "yeah, I guess it is."

So now I definitely know

she's not just puttin' off movin' it.

She's waitin' me out or somethin'.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

She's gonna be waitin' a long time.

So? What do you think?

- This is insane.

- I know. What's her problem?

- No, the both of you.

You've had a two-week fight over a suitcase.

- Well, it's not really a fight, you know?

I mean, everything's the same.

We eat. We sleep. We watch TV, play with the kids.

Everything's fine.

But the one who moves that suitcase will not be me.

- You are a baby.

- I am not a baby. Give me back my cheese.

- No. Hey!

- Hey, guys. - Hey. Hi.

- Hey, Deb.

- Listen, ray, I was gonna order pizza tonight,

but if you're too cheesed out,

we can just go to that new chicken place.

- Yeah, okay. Yeah, chicken sounds great.

- Okay.

- Okay, you see that?

You see how she just walked past it just to rub it in my face?

- All I saw was a woman helpfully suggesting

a new chicken to her husband.

I always look for the good, Raymond.

- Yeah, 'cause you already got the bad and the ugly.

- Hey, turn the TV on.

- Actually, I'm leavin' to cover the mets' road trip.

- So turn it on and go.

You got any of that cheese left?

- Just the roquefort, which you're more than welcome to.

It really stinks bad.

- I'll eat it fast.

- Hey, guys, come on. It's time for bed.

Let's go.

Ray, it's gettin' late. Shouldn't you pack?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Watch it, boys. Watch the suitcase.

- What?

- That suitcase has been sittin' there

for three weeks, and...

- Nobody wants to be the one to move it.

I gotcha.

- But the thing is, I got to pack now,

so I'm gonna be the one who has to move the suitcase.

- Why don't you take another suitcase?

- No! Can't leave that one sittin' there.

It'll be too obvious that I did it on purpose.

- Well, that's good.

Deb should know how you feel.

I'm a great believer in letting people know

what's going on in here.

- Yeah, and every other part of your body.

I don't want to get in a fight over a suitcase

right before I have to go.

I'll just do it.

- Hey, listen to me.

This is not about a suitcase.

This is about who wears the pants in the family.

Whose idea was it to bring it in the first place?

Hers, right?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Then I was stuck luggin' it around all weekend.

- If you move that suitcase,

you might as well put on a dress

and change your name to Daisy Mae tinklepants.

- Ray,

you got to leave soon.

Are you gonna get ready?

- Yes.

Yes, I am.

- What was that about? - It's all right, Deb.

You don't need to pretend with me.

I know all about the suitcase.

- What do you mean?

- I know about your little Mexican standoff.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Ah, forget about it.

Hey, looks like ray forgot

to take the suitcase with him.

You oughta bring it up.

- He had three weeks!

Why didn't he move that thing? Three weeks!

At first I thought he was just clueless,

but if he talked to you about it, he knew what he was doing.

- Aren't you doing the same thing?

- No! This is completely different.

I have to do everything around this house.

If I don't do it, it doesn't get done.

- Well, that's because-- now, take it easy--

that's how it's supposed to be.

- "That's how it's supposed to be"?

- I said take it easy.

Ray lugged the suitcase around all weekend,

but it's in the house now,

all full of laundry,

and it's all "womany" now.

So...You should move it.

That's how it's supposed to be.

- Okay, now let me tell you something.

If I'm the one that has to do the laundry,

why should I be the one

to drag that thing upstairs, huh?

Isn't the man supposed to carry stuff?

Isn't that the "Manny" thing to do, huh?

Isn't that how that's supposed to be?

- Obviously you've spent a lot more time

thinking about this than I have.

- All packed.

- See ya later.

- What are you doing?

- What?

Just packin' a soda for the road.

Problem?

- That's how you're getting on the airplane?

- Yeah. I'm travelin' light. I'm travelin' loose.

- What are you, a hobo?

Why don't you take the suitcase?

- What suitcase?

- You know what suitcase.

- Are you referring to the suitcase

that you haven't moved in three weeks?

Is that the suitcase to which you are referring?

- Why couldn't you move it?

- Why couldn't you move it?

- All right, you are not going to the airport

with a grocery bag.

Take the suitcase!

- You know what?

I don't need it.

- Okay, you know what?

- Oh!

Yeah, good.

Good!

Real mature!

I don't care. I don't care.

Thanks to the good people at waldbaum's,

I got a complete set of luggage right here.

All the luggage I need right here.

Waterproof, beautiful luggage.

Right here, all the luggage.

Ooh.

See ya in a couple days!

- Hi, Debra.

- Hey, Marie.

- When's Raymond comin' home?

- Tomorrow afternoon.

I was just on my way to the market,

and I was...

Debra, are you cooking something?

- No.

- Oh, because...

There's an aroma.

- You know what? I smelled it too. Yeah.

Wow, it's getting worse.

- Where's it coming from?

- I don't know. Uck!

- It's getting close.

Ohh!

- Debra, you can't keep cheese in a suitcase.

- I didn't put it there, Marie.

Ray. Ray!

- All right, run. Quick, get rid of it.

- I cannot believe him.

- Why don't we take the suitcase outside and air it out?

- No, no, no!

We're not moving it.

- But, Debra...

No. Ray doesn't get to win because of this.

If smells bothered me,

I would've left him a long time ago.

- Oh, dear.

I knew you were having suitcase problems,

but I didn't think it had gotten this bad.

- How did you know about our suitcase problem?

- Come with me.

I want to show you something.

- Did frank tell you about this?

- Frank? You didn't think I'd notice a suitcase

sitting there for 23 1/2 days?

Okay.

What I'm gonna tell you I've never told anyone--

not Raymond, not Robert, no one.

- Wow, Marie, what is it?

- When frank and I got married,

one of our gifts was a big fork and spoon.

- Oh.

I had always assumed

that those were Robert's baby utensils.

- No, they were a wedding present.

Frank and I wanted to return them

the minute we opened the box.

- You don't like the big fork and spoon?

- We hate the big fork and spoon.

- But they're like a fixture of the house,

the big fork and spoon.

- They're horrible. Look at them.

They're completely without nuance.

- So why are they up there?

- I wanted frank to return them

because it was his aunt Sophia that gave them to me.

Ugh, his family.

I tell you, Debra,

the groom's side of the church was like a gypsy camp.

- And so frank thought that you should return it.

- Of course. I'm the woman.

They're technically silverware.

So one day,

after months of the spoon and the fork

just sitting on the counter,

we had a big fight.

It was our first fight as husband and wife.

- Wow. The shot heard round the world.

- Finally, I told him,

"I'm going to my mother's, and when I get back,

"you better be the only ugly thing

left in this house."

And when I got home,

he was sitting right here,

and he had nailed the spoon to the wall.

- Whoa.

- He thought he had won.

You see what I did?

- Ah, very clever.

- Notice the fork is higher.

And they've been there ever since.

Every time I come into this kitchen,

it reminds me of that fight,

every day for 45 years.

- Wow, I'm shocked.

You two seem so happy.

- Trust me, dear.

It's not worth it.

Go. Go move the luggage.

You be the better person.

Hmm?

don't let a suitcase filled with cheese

be your big fork and spoon.

- I've never heard that before.

- Take it to heart, dear.

- All right. Thanks, Marie.

- Hey, why don't you take the big fork and spoon

down right now?

- What do you mean?

- Well, it's been 45 years.

Wasn't that the point of your story?

- What, are you taking frank's side?

- Hi.

- Hey. Hi.

What are you doin' home?

- Well...

I decided to come home early.

- Oh.

Yeah, I...

You know, I had some time to kill

when I got to Chicago,

so I went to get a slice of pizza.

You know, they got the deep-dish pizza,

and the cheese is so good.

And I got to thinkin'...

Cheese.

I love it, and yet I used it as a weapon.

- Well, I'm glad you're home.

- Me too.

I'm sorry things got so nuts.

- Yeah. Me too.

- Are the kids home yet?

- No, not for another hour.

- Oh, 'cause I was thinkin'...

We didn't get to have our regular goin'-away action

before I left.

- Gee, tough break.

- Well, I've read that coming-home action

can also be rather pleasant.

- Yeah, but you were only gone for a couple of days.

- Oh.

- But we did just make up.

- Yes. Yeah, we did.

We did make up,

so we could have make-up action,

'cause we made up.

We made up so frickin' much!

- Hey, hey, hey.

You want to get that?

- What do you mean?

- Well, I mean, that's why you came home, right--

so you could get it?

- Well, yeah, but I thought...

You know, I thought since you know

I came all the way from Chicago,

that you would be the one to get it.

- Okay, ray, you know what?

I'm getting it.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- It means I'll get it.

I'll be the one who got it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

I will get it.

Let the record show that I got it.

- Let go of the suitcase. - You let go!

You let go of it. Let go of--

let go, let go, let go!

Let go!

- I'm taking it.

- No, you don't. No, you don't.

- I've got it!

- No. I'm movin' it!

I'm the one movin' it, everybody.

Look at me!

- I'm still holding it.

- It doesn't matter who's holding it.

It matters who's moving it!

You think you're gonna hold it over me?

- How's the suitcase thing goin'?

- What do you want?

- Well, I was gonna see if I can borrow that,

but the airline won't let me carry on all three of you.

- All right, frank.

Today's the day.

The big fork and spoon are coming down,

because I've been able to rise above

45 years of pettiness.

This is all your fault.

- When did we get those?