Original subtitles

- Well, Debra's not here right now.

May I take a message?

Cindy?

All right.

All right, dear.

Well, no, Debra went out tonight.

And Raymond did too.

Although they went to different places

on a Saturday night.

Do you think that seems odd?

I mean, it seems odd to me.

I mean, do you and your husband go to different places?

You're not?

Oh, well, I have another son, Robbie.

Oh, I'll tell him you called.

All right, dear. Bye-bye.

- Hi, Marie. Who was that?

- That's for Robbie.

So how was your night?

- Oh, it was just a great lecture.

I learned so much about the Amazon.

Linda's cousin wrote this book,

and he's a terrific speaker.

How were the kids?

- Oh, they're fine.

They don't know.

- Know what?

- About you and Raymond going your separate ways tonight.

- Oh, no, Marie, it's no big deal.

Ray didn't want to come to the bookstore,

- oh, I guess that's what they call an "open marriage."

I mean, you go out without frank once in a while.

- That's not open marriage. That's escape.

- No, no, I mean, come on. How do you get a rash there?

- Well...

- Hey, we're back.

- Thank god he came back.

- Hi, Mrs. b. Hi, Deb.

- Hey, you guys have a good time?

You beat how many people in a row at air hockey?

- 11. - 11.

Way to go, cubby, huh?

- Debra had a good time tonight too.

- Oh. Oh, yeah, that's right.

How was it? How'd your thing go?

- Oh, I loved it. He signed my book.

- He.

- Yeah, that's right, Dr. Everett munce.

- A doctor.

- Hey, ma, you got any food over at the house?

- Why?

- I've been thinking of you in an apron all night, Mrs. b.

- Well, I do have food, but don't you need me here?

- I don't think so.

- Oh, all right.

I'm right across the street if you need to talk, Raymond.

And remember... I love you.

- You're on my foot.

- Oh.

- What's that? What's with my mother?

'Cause we didn't go out together tonight.

- Why? You having an affair with the bookstore guy?

- Yeah, he's 60 years old,

has one eye, and smells of the jungle.

- Yeah, that's how you like it.

- Yeah.

That's right.

And next week is the second part of the lecture.

- What do you mean? You gonna go again?

- Yeah. That's not a problem, is it?

- No, no, it's no problem. It's just--what am I gonna do?

- Oh, I thought you could go out with the guys again.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, great.

Great.

- What's the matter, ray?

- Oh, nothing. Nothing.

- Ray, what is it?

- Nothing. It's... I don't know.

Going out with the guys-- I mean, it was great.

It was fun. Really, really fun.

- But?

- It wasn't so much fun.

I don't know. I mean...

Something about it-- something was missing.

- What do you mean?

You mean me?

- No.

No.

No, I was...I mean,

we did the same stuff we always do.

You know, Gianni was doing his thing.

He drops ice cubes in front of him,

"hey, look, an eskimo peeing."

And, you know, I mean, it was funny,

and I used to laugh at it, but...

- It's lost its magic?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

We had the buffalo wings I'd like,

and we did the air hockey.

But I don't know, something about it--

it's not the-- it's not the same as it was.

- Oh, my god.

You're growing up.

- No.

No. I probably got a flu or something.

- No. No, that's why you don't like doing

all those stupid things you used to do.

You're changing.

You're maturing.

No, it's a good thing, ray.

You've become a man.

You know why you just said you had a bad time

doing all those things?

Because you've outgrown them.

You know I'm right, don't you?

- Well, crap, maybe you are.

Oh, my god. I have been waiting for this.

Oh.

Listen, listen, listen.

Come to the lecture with me on Saturday.

- No. What? - Oh, no, wait, listen.

That's what adults do.

They use their head, and they think.

Oh, you're gonna like this.

You're ready for this.

You are a mature adult.

- Okay.

It would be kind of cool to see a guy with one eye.

- Hey, Debra. - Hi.

- Hi. Ray, you came.

- Yep, I'm here.

- You look so nice.

- Doesn't he?

- Yes, I've never seen you like this.

- Hello, everybody.

Raymond, look at you.

What are you doing here?

- I just came to get a little culture.

- Oh, a little culture.

- Folks, if you could take your seats.

- Boy, this is fun.

It's high school, only now,

I've had sex with the girl who sits next to me.

- Oh, shh.

- Let's please all welcome back to sidewalk books

Dr. Everett munce.

- Thank you, Brian.

- Well, it's nice to see some familiar faces

I believe I left you on the banks of the Amazon

about 250 kilometers east of manaus.

If you can imagine, it's dusk,

and it's still 104 degrees.

The humidity is around 99%, and yet it is not raining.

If you listen closely,

you can hear the macaws and the capybaras

and perhaps even the low growl of a Jaguar...

Never seen an outsider, so one's dilemma becomes,

"how do I record this amazing discovery

without corrupting the purity of their existence?"

Well, as a matter of fact,

they faced this same dilemma more than 30 years ago

in the Philippines.

I believe it was 30 years ago.

Yes, it was in the Philippines where they come upon a tribe

that was called the tasaday.

Even though they took great--

- ow! Ow! God!

What did you do?

- Shh! Wake up.

- All right, I'm awake.

But you caught me right in the eye.

- Would you shut up?

You got me right in the socket hole.

- Be quiet.

- All right. God.

You could've poked my eye out.

Not that I still wouldn't be a great guy.

- Hi, dear. How was your night?

- It was fine.

- Ray, what's the matter?

- Nothing. Nothing, nothing.

I got poked in the eye.

You know how wild it can get in a bookstore.

- It's not funny, ray.

- I fell asleep.

The guy was droning on and on,

and I fell asleep.

- So he hit you?

- No.

She did.

- I had to wake you up.

- When I wanted to wake Raymond up,

I would stroke his hair...

And gently kiss his forehead.

- That's how you do it.

- You were sleeping on me in public.

I had to get you off of me.

I had hoped that after your little separation last week

that maybe tonight would go better.

- Everything is fine, Marie.

- No, it's not. Everything is not fine.

- Stop rubbing it, already. You're making it worse.

- I'm not talking about my eye.

Everything is not right with me, the whole me.

- What?

- I went to that lecture, and I tried, Debra.

God help me, I tried to like it.

The elbow in the eye was the best part of the night.

- Well, I'm sorry.

I thought you were an adult.

I made a mistake.

- Who the hell am I?

- What are you talking about?

- don't you see? Last week, the same thing.

I went out with the guys, the same thing happened.

I didn't belong there, either.

So now I got this thing in my head, like, "who am I?

What do I do now?"

"Where the hell do I belong?"

- Right here.

- You're on my foot again, ma.

- Come on.

Trust me.

You're gonna thank me for this.

Hurry up. You're letting the steam out.

- Hey, Ray's here. Ha-ha-ha.

- It's the sportswriter.

- Welcome to the inner sanctum.

- Yeah. Hi, guys.

But I don't want you dropping those towels.

- Hey, put that in your column, sportswriter.

- Ray's been going through a rough patch,

so I brought him here to sweat that puss off his face.

- Let me turn up the steam for you, ray.

- No, don't get up.

don't get up. No, please.

Nobody move, okay?

Just pretend that I'm not here, okay,

'cause that's what I'm doing.

- Says the funny sportswriter.

- Sit down, ray. Take a load off.

- Hey, sit right here, ray.

That's O'neal's place.

But you can sit there.

He's dead.

- Ah, I love the lodge.

We play some cards, we get something to eat,

we come in here and relax.

- What more could you ask for?

- Hair.

- Yeah, I could ask for hair.

Oy.

- Oh, man.

How long can you guys stay in here?

- Well, the record is 4 hours and 10 minutes.

- Yeah ,by who?

- O'neal.

- This is the life.

- Yeah, like oil in the joints.

- You still stiff?

- In my knee.

- Yeah. I got that.

- My back's still acting up.

- Oh, the twinge?

- On good days, it's a twinge.

- Yeah. I got that.

- I got, like, a shoulder thing.

- Yeah?

- It's nothing. It's just--

you know, sometimes when I lift things up,

you know, it hurts.

- You mean up here between the neck and the shoulder blade?

- Yeah, yeah, it's, like, a knot.

- I know.

I got that.

- What are you doing lifting things, ray?

- Ah, you know, Debra--

she's got me doing this and doing that.

- Oh, the wives.

- That's a pain we can't get rid of.

- Until you're O'neal.

- Put that in your column.

- I should. I should.

I should put it in.

I got up twice last night to pee.

Oh...Yeah. Oh.

- At least you got up.

- Debra, I'm gonna put Raymond's cannolis

in your refrigerator.

- Ma, why can't I just grab one of those?

I made it especially for Raymond to cheer him up.

- So he gets ten cannolis, and I get none?

- He's having a life crisis.

Life crisis...

When I got divorced, I had to beg you

for a piece of raisin toast.

- Oh, there he is.

How was it, dear? Did you have a nice time?

- You know, I did. I really did.

- Was I right, or was I right?

The lodge is heaven on earth.

- I've got to tell you, that steam room--

that was exactly what I needed.

- Aw, that's great, honey.

I'm glad you were able to relax.

- Yes, the steam room must have been nice.

I've never been invited to the lodge.

But that's okay; I can always work up a sweat

by chasing a psychopath down the subway track.

- You know, ray, you fit right in.

I was worried you were gonna say something stupid...

Or liberal.

- I actually liked talking to those guys.

- Well, that's terrific. Have ten cannolis.

- Oh, I forgot.

I made you a special treat. Raymond.

Sit down.

- So what do you say, ray?

You gonna join the brotherhood?

The guys say you'd be a shoo-in.

- You know what?

Yeah, I think I would like that.

- Wait a minute.

You want to join the lodge?

- It'll be great.

I'll be your father, but I'll also be your brother.

- All right, that's it!

- No! Robbie, Robbie! Robbie! Robbie!

Robbie, give it to me. Oh, Robbie.

Oh, Robbie.

Oh, Robbie.

Oh, stop that.

I mean, I know you had a good time there today,

but you don't want to join.

- Why wouldn't he?

Because he's not 100...

Percent sure he wants to join.

- No, I know what you're saying, Debra,

but I don't know.

You know, when I was in that steam room,

it just felt right.

I mean, I--I think it's what I've been looking for.

- Sweaty man-boobs?

- I don't like that, Robert.

- I mean, I was comfortable.

You know, I was relaxed.

- Plus, I've got say, everyone told me you were,

like, the best-looking guy in there.

He's the "before" in a room full of "afters."

It just made you feel young to be around those guys?

- No, I actually felt like I belonged.

- Oh, this is ridiculous.

- Well, I mean, you're the one who told me to grow up.

- I didn't say grow all the way up.

I mean, what is the appeal, just sitting in a steam room?

- Oh, we also play cards.

And don't forget the naked swimming.

- I haven't even been, and I can't forget.

- No, no. Let me tell you.

After that steam, a couple of nude laps...

Whoo.

You really feel the pool.

- Come on, ray. You don't want to do this.

You don't want to join the lodge.

- Well, look, I tried everything else, right?

I went out with my friends.

I didn't like the bookstore thing.

I mean, this is all I have left.

- No, it isn't.

I mean, we do things together.

We go to dinner. We go to the movies.

Some of those movies we see, they're all kind of stupid.

- The last movie I saw was patton.

- All right, frank.

- And you know when I'll go back to the movies?

"Son of patton."

- And then everybody is always talking in them,

and it's always freezing.

- In fact, is there, like, a draft in here?

- There's a blanket in the living room.

Maybe you'd be more comfortable in there.

- Well, I am a little tired.

Ohh, gosh.

Oh, my shoulder's on the Fritz again.

- Just sit down and put your feet up.

- Yes, Raymond. Can I get you anything?

Some melba toast?

A catheter?

- I'm all locked up, you know. It's like a big knot.

- Is it in here?

- You need more time in that steam room.

I'll pick you up tomorrow morning at 9:00.

We don't come out until everything's soft.

- I may throw up.

- We got--do we have, like, a heating pad?

- Well, this is great, ray.

This is just great.

You went from an immature teenager

to a tired old geezer with no stops in between.

And what did I get?

I got ripped off. That's what I got.

I never got to be married to a man,

a regular, grown-up man.

- Do you have to yell?

- Could everybody please leave now?

- What do you mean? - I just need everyone to go.

- Yeah, but-- - Marie, please go.

- Debra, you should probably turn him every half hour

so he doesn't get bedsores.

- Are you gonna be all right--

- Marie, he'll be fine.

- What are you doing?

- I'm just checking to see how old you really are.

Well?

- I'm a little tired.

- Oh, my god.

- But not too tired.

- I thought your shoulder hurt.

- I'm not gonna use my shoulder.

- Thanks for giving me a shot here, dad.

- Yeah, yeah. Take it easy.

All right, here's the big one.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Robert.

- You're in pretty good shape, Robert.

I guess you don't eat too many doughnuts.

- 'Cause cops eat doughnuts.

- Okay.

- So your wife is gonna let you join?

- Actually, I'm not married.

- Oh, that's right, guys, red alert.

- We're sitting naked with a confirmed bachelor.

- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

- Listen, you don't have to worry about me.

I can tell you that right now.

- Hey, Robert, it's hot in here.

Why don't you take your sweater off?

- Good one. Good one.

Why don't you take your wig off?

- Now, what the hell is that supposed to mean?

- N-nothing. I was just kidding around.

- You're just a wise guy, I see.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Take it easy, take it easy.

- Just keep moving. - But I didn't do anything.

- Frank, get him out of here, frank.

- Come on. Come on. Get him out of here.

- Bring back the funny one.