Original subtitles

- And I know you weren't there today,

But wouldn't you agree that sometimes--

And I'm not saying all the time--

But sometimes marie can be critical of me?

Frank?

Come on!

- I feel I identify most with robert.

- When we got in a fight,

I would sit on him until he got tired,

Because I knew if I ever let him up,

He'd kill me.

- You know...

He was kind of a nerd.

So when he would--

When they would kind of say,

"well, do what your older brother does,"

I'd kind of in my mind go, "why? He's such a geek."

- Like--like show up to class?

- Yeah. That sort of stuff.

- When did he get this?

- Oh, that's an award your brother got

For his sports column.

- It never ends for raymond.

- Oh, poor robbie.

- Everybody loves raymond.

I go to work, people shoot at me.

Ray goes to work, people do the wave.

- Dude, you are so weird.

- Am I, raymond?

Am I?

- Hey, could you, uh...

Put a shirt on?

And some underpants?

- Excuse me.

I believe this is my bed.

- All right, but come on.

A guy gets in bed with you, you put some pants on.

- All right, timmy, now, let's behave ourself.

We're here to teach traffic school.

- Oh, yeah, right.

Okay, let's see. Who can answer this?

When you're behind another vehicle,

What is the proper following distance?

Frank?

- Well, if the guy's going real slow,

I like to be right on his butt.

So if he looks back, he can read my lips.

- No, dad, it is one car length per 10 miles of speed.

Heh-heh, yeah.

Remind me to never drive with you,

You crazy old bastard.

- Oh! Oh!

- What the hell's goin' on?

- Ohh...Ohh...

Ohh...Ohh...

Why, robbie, why?

How could you, in raymond's basement?

- Marie, it's not what you think!

- Uh-huh.

What are you doin'?

- Ah, nothin'.

Just here to help out ally

With her report on harriet tubman.

You know, it's "black history month."

- Uh, yeah, yeah. Thank you...

Superfly.

- What?

- Nothin', it's just, uh,

Never seen ya so...

Styling.

- Just some new clothes, that's all.

Got to get out more, mah brother.

All right. Now, let's move on, timmy.

Don't you have a question for ma?

Sure.

Marie, is it? - Yeah.

- Hi, marie. Okay.

Now, when you get into the car,

What are you supposed to do

Before you begin driving?

- Oh, I know that. You buckle your seat belt.

- Good.

- And you check your mirrors.

- Very good.

Anything else?

- No, I think that's it.

- Oh, that's it.

She thinks that's it.

Isn't--isn't that everything, timmy?

Oh, yeah, sure, that's everything.

But how 'bout makin' sure

Your first-born child is in the car

Before you pull out of a gas station in new mexico?

- Well, that's awfully specific.

- Robbie, that was 30 years ago.

- I don't have a problem with it.

- Uh-oh.

- Oh, thank you so much.

- And this fax came for you, sir.

- So as I was saying--

- Is this a joke?

- Excuse me?

- "dear fbi agent garfield,

"I'm writing to ask for your understanding.

"you have an interview this morning with my son,

Robert barone."

- What? What? What?

Oh! Robbie!

You scared me.

How did your interview go?

- Come here, let me tell you about it.

- My dad did the dishes. My dad dusted.

He was a-- he was good around the house.

My mom instructed him.

- My mother and father had--

Had the times of their lives yelling at each other.

It was my father who would say to my mother,

"jeanette, stifle yourself!"

- My father used to do--

Instead of, like, swearing at us,

He would, like, do it underneath his breath.

He'd say, "would you turn up the..."

- We like it when bald guys win.

- Yeah. - Just in general.

- When was the last time

That you said, "I love you" to...

Anybody?

- "I love you"?

- Yeah.

- What, do you live

In a freakin' fairyland or something?

Can't you ever just be quiet?

- Don't you tell me to be quiet!

I have a mind of my own, you know.

I can contribute.

I'm not just some... Trophy wife.

- You're a trophy wife?

What contest in hell did I win?

You were vacuuming?

- Yeah. What?

I help out around the house sometimes.

- That's nice. Do you dust too,

With a little feather duster...

Nancy?

- You know, dad...

Sometimes when you talk like that,

People could get offended.

- Offended by what?

- Nothin'. Nothin'. Forget about it.

- No. What?

- Nothin'. It's just--

When you say "nancy," what are you implying exactly?

- That your name should be nancy.

- And when you say "nancy,"

That's your word for "gay."

- Very well.

- And you mean that as an insult?

- Yes, I believe I do.

- Well, that--that's not nice.

- That's why it's a good insult.

- Why did you tell me it was only once a year?

- Because this whole topic is improper.

What we do in our bedroom is our own business,

And I prefer not to be known as the whore of lynbrook.

- We can move from lynbrook.

Is, uh, anybody eating this?

- No, frank.

You know what? You can have it.

At least someone appreciates it.

- Hey, I appreciate--

- Thank you for the flowers, frank.

- Anyone who can make braciole like this

Deserves a whole hillside

Full of heavenly scented marigolds and daffodils.

- Wasp.

- Aah! - Aah!

- That's gonna need another coat.

- It's between you and debra,

And you should go over there

And read that yourself

And let me out.

- We have no secrets in this family.

Keep reading, frank.

- With pleasure.

"just because we are family

"and happen also to be neighbors

"does not give you the right to constantly interfere

In every aspect of my life..."

"from raising my children

To my choice of liquid fabric softener."

- I want you guys to know right now

That debra has a drinking problem.

- Keep reading.

Keep reading.

- Stop it!

"I'm sure you don't even realize

"when you're being overbearing, critical,

And intrusive."

Is this a petition?

Where do I sign?

- Frank, you want your ice cream or not?

- He's not here, ma.

- Where'd he go?

I left my heart

In san francisco

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

My wife thinks I'm in the bathroom.

high on a hill...

- The one thing that my parents do that--they don't listen.

They do not listen.

They feel that even though

They've got this title,

This mom and dad,

They don't want to hear anything logic at all.

- Well, I identify totally with the mother on "raymond,"

Because I've been told by five or six people

At different occasions that I am her or she is me.

However you want to say it.

- If I blew up a bank

And wiped out every employee in the bank,

And they ran to my mother, she would say,

"maybe they made a mistake in his checking account."

- Your birthday gift to me

Finally came this morning.

And did you know you sent me a box of pears

From a place called fruit of the month?

- That's right. That's right. How are they?

- Oh, they're very nice pears.

But there's so many of them.

There are over a dozen pears.

What am I supposed to do with all those pears?

- Well, I think you're supposed to eat 'em, ma.

- Myself? - You--you and dad and robert.

- How many pears can robert eat?

Look, I appreciate the thought, raymond.

But please, don't ever send us any more fruit again, okay?

Thanks, darling.

- Well, another box is coming next month.

- What? More pears?

- No, no, it's a different fruit every month.

- Every month?

- Yes, yes, that's why they call it

Fruit of the month club.

- It's a club?

Oh, my, what are we gonna do with all this fruit?

- Most people like it, ma!

You share it--share it with all your friends.

- Which friends? - I don't know.

Lee and stan.

- Lee and stan buy their own fruit.

- Well, give it away.

- Why did you do this to me?

- Oh, my god. - I can't talk.

There's too much fruit in the house.

Ray, we told you you were a good writer

So that you would think you were a good writer.

See? Then somebody gave you a job.

That's what parents do.

They all lie to their kids for their own good.

- But other parents aren't lying, ma.

They believe in their children.

- No, they don't.

- Oh, man.

What a day.

I had this interview with ewing,

You know, and he's late.

He's three hours late, and I had to wait for him.

Oh, I am tired, sweetness.

Oh, yeah. Oh...

Oh, baby, does that feel good.

Oh.

Come here.

What are you doing?

- Trying to help you relax.

Did you say

That you like amy more than debra?

- I am not...

Saying that.

- What?

- I am not saying

That I like amy more than debra.

- I know. I know you're not saying it now.

But did you say it ever?

What if I told you

That we have a tape of you saying it, ma?

- Give me the tape.

- You should ask debra how she makes this.

- I should ask debra?

I should ask debra?

Give me that.

Raymond, do you see what they see?

- Um...

- Tell me the truth.

- Well...

Maybe if I squint a little.

- Oh, my god, I'm a lesbian.

- Sorry, debra, I just don't know what you want from me.

- Oh, here, honey, let me get that for you.

- You know what I want?

I want you to be a part of the family.

I want you to help,

Or I want you to at least want to help, okay?

I want you to be more like--

Like her!

- Like who?

- I do like the fact that debra is home with her kids.

- Well, the biggest fight I ever had with my husband

Had to be over my mother-in-law,

Because he would never tell her

To stop being nasty to me

And to have a little respect for me,

Because he's a mama's boy, but he doesn't think he is.

- Well, he just spent ten hours with 25 grown-ups,

And I've spoken to kids all day

And watched "pokemon" and stuff.

I need some adult conversation before I lose my mind.

- She considers me adult conversation.

- Yeah, sometimes.

- Oh, my god. - What? What?

- Oh, my god, the squash.

- What squash? - The squash.

The squash. I forgot the squash!

- All right, okay. So what? - So what? It's the squash--

Ray, it's my only yellow.

Where did I put it?

- I don't know. I don't know.

- Well, think, ray! Come on.

- I wasn't here.

I was out not getting baking powder.

- I need that squash.

- Are you as turned on as I am right now?

- Ray, I need the squash.

- Is that a "yes"? - Ray!

- All right! I don't know where it is.

Here, could this goopy thing be it?

oh, yes. Yes.

Good. That's it.

- Good. Calm down.

oh, no...

No...No.

Come on, relax. Stop.

I'm sorry.

- Stop, you're reacting to missing squash

Like the time we left ally at the mall.

- Ray, what is this?

- What?

- This bottle of basil that your mother gave me

Has another label underneath.

- Ta-rag-on.

- Tarragon.

- Oh, that's your weird taste.

- Uh-huh.

- That's not in a recipe, is it?

no!

- Oh, my god.

- Aha, okay, ray? Okay?

That's your mother! - I don't get it--

- Do you still think

She's trying to help me, hmm?

- Listen, why would she go to all that trouble?

Isn't it easier to leave out an ingredient?

- For an amateur!

My god! This even looks like basil!

Look at the label. It fits perfectly on here.

My god, you know, this is the work of an evil genius.

- I don't get it. I don't get it.

- You know what I don't get?

I don't get that you couldn't see my side of this.

You're so busy defending your saint of a mother

That you make me out

To be some kind of ungrateful nut case!

Well, who's the nutcase now, ray?

Who's the nutcase now?

- While I was out today, I got you somethin'.

I-I really...I want to help you feel better, you know?

And this should take care of all your symptoms.

- Except for "bitchy." right, ray?

- What do you mean?

- I mean there's nothing in here for bitchy.

- Probably need a prescription for bitchy.

- If I had p.M.S.-- And I'm not saying that I have--

Is that how you help me?

By taping me, by telling me I have p.M.S.?

That doesn't help me! That doesn't help me!

- Well, what do you want me to do?

I don't know what to do! Show me what to do!

Just draw it out for me!

- Have you ever thought about giving me a hug?

- A hug?

- Yes! A hug!

Did you ever think of hugging me, ya jerk?

- Well, it's pretty hard to hug someone

Who's trying to kill you!

- Yeah? Well, it never occurred to you!

You never even tried it before.

- Well, look! This is not huggable!

This--this is not debra!

This is the woman who shows up once a month

To rip into me like a monkey on a cupcake!

Nothing really seems to be loose here.

- Oh, sure seemed loose to me.

- You know what?

I can't even tighten these

Anymore really.

- Huh? I thought it was loose.

- Yeah.

- You know, it looks like I made too much food here,

If you're hungry.

- Oh. Yeah?

- Yeah, you want some?

- All right, yeah.

Wrap it up. I'll eat it in the truck.

- You could...

I mean, you could eat it here if you want.

- Oh.

Okay.

- You can sit.

- Sit--sit here?

- Yeah, that's great. - All right.

You need me to help with anything?

- No, I got it.

- Can I ask you something?

- Yeah, sure.

- Were you making all that food for someone

And they didn't show up?

- They showed up.

Here you go.

So your family seemed nice.

- Yeah.

Yeah, they seem nice.

I'm only living with them till, you know--

- Yeah. Yeah. Sure. - Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. This is great. This is--what is this?

- Oh, it's lemon chicken.

- Oh, man.

Wow. - Yeah?

You really like it, huh?

- Oh, I could eat this the rest of my life.

What?

- Nobody's ever really liked

My cooking before.

- Well, they're nuts. Are you kidding?

This is great. - Yeah?

- I'll probably-- can I have more?

- Yeah, sure. - Well, let me get it.

- No, I got it. I can get it.

Hey, you want something to drink?

- Yeah. Yeah. Well, let me get that.

- Okay, the glasses are right there.

- Okay. Ice? - Yeah, that'd be great.

- You listen.

If my parents lit an orphanage on fire

On christmas eve,

They wouldn't be as bad as your parents!

Huh? - Yeah.

Dropped the turkey. Dropped the turkey.

- I think that he is raymond sometimes.

And I said before that the reason

That we watch the show is so that I can say,

"look how dumb you look."

- I said, "honey, is there something wrong?"

And she said...She said, "I had a dream last night.

"we were at a party.

"and you spent the entire time at the party

Dancing with this other girl."

I said, "but it was a dream."

She said, "but it's just the kind of thing you'd do."

- Did I ever have a fight with my wife?

Oh, yes.

That one time I was late.

- Oh, see, I love this. Isn't this romantic?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Right.

- Oh, look who I get. - Oh.

Oh!

What, did you hit something?

- No. - Did you hit something?

- No, no. It's still going.

- Then why am I seeing football?

- I-I don't know.

- Where did our wedding go?

- In our presence, in the sight of god,

They will now share vows they each have written.

- What are you doing to me here?

Why? You're killing me.

- I just wanted to let you know how I was feeling.

- Well, you can't kiss me like that.

It's christmas. Ally's up.

My parents are coming over now. - Sorry. Sorry.

- You've activated the launch sequence now.

merry christmas!

- Hey. Hey.

- Nice.

We usually hang ours on the door.

- Go ahead. Go ahead. Keep laughing.

One of these days, you'll turn around,

And I won't be here.

Not today.

- You know what I think?

- If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

- That's not funny, all right?

That's gonna be funny when you're up there,

And you're the worst fairies of the play.

Is that gonna be funny?

Come on.

I've seen the other fairies, guys.

They put you away, all right?

Oh, this is unbelievable.

- A girl would have been great too.

But it's a boy!

- Okay, wait, wait, wait. Come here.

I got to tell you something else.

- I'm dizzy. - Come here. Look.

Come here.

Okay, there's his little something.

- Uh-huh. Oh, look at-- - I know, cute, right?

And then there is another little something.

- What does that mean?

ray, it's--it's twins, ray.

- What? - Just--two boys.

- What, right now?

- Mm.

- In here? - Yeah.

Are you happy?

Yeah?

- This is unbelievable. It's--oh.

I can't--this is-- it's fantastic.

I--somebody has to show me how to do a cartwheel right now.

- Don't look at me.

- But how does that happen?

Twins don't run in our family.

I bet it's cause I switched to boxers, huh?

Oh, did I kiss you already? - Yeah, but you can--

- Oh, show me again. - See?

There's a little something. - Uh-huh.

- And there's another little something.

- Am I a man, or what?

Ah!

Okay.

What a man and a woman do is-- - no.

I mean, I know that the man and the woman

Have to do something,

But why are we born?

Why does god put us here?

- Because...That's...

What?

- We all know why you didn't vote for me, ray,

Because you were afraid that if I win,

I might get out of this house,

And you might have to get off your butt

Once in a while and do something.

You want me locked in this house.

Your vote was a vote for slavery.

- I have always spoken out against slavery.

- Not in this house. Not in this marriage.

You don't even know what a marriage is.

A marriage is two people

Supporting each other no matter what,

Being there for each other for better or for worse,

Standing next to each other, standing up for each other

No matter what, but you don't get that.

And that's why, at that potluck,

I had to tell people I didn't even know you.

- What?

You told people you don't know me?

- Of course, you were acting like a goofball.

- I don't care what I was doing.

You denied knowing me at the potluck?

- You were stuffing your pants with food.

- I'm your husband.

You're supposed to support me

No matter what's in my pants.

Huh? Didn't you just say partners for better or worse?

Standing up for each other? - Oh, don't even.

It's not the same thing, and you know it.

You embarrassed me.

- I didn't do anything different

At that potluck thing

That I don't do at any other public place

You drag me to.

I have always liked beef.

And I have always tried to get as much of it as I could

At any function.

But even before that happened,

You made it very clear that I embarrass you.

Getting up on me about the shaving

And telling me to stand up straight and tuck in my shirt,

Like--like I wasn't good enough for you.

And now I find out you actually told people

That you don't know me?

I would never do that to you.

- I-I'm sorry.

- I-I'm sorry too.

I-I should have voted for you.

- And I should have told people I know you.

dominica, 'nica, 'nica

Hey.

hey sister, go sister

Soul sister, go sister

Hey sister, go sister

Soul sister, go sister

He met marmalade down in old moulin rouge

Struttin' her stuff on the street

She said, hello, hey joe

You wanna give it a go?

Getcha, getcha ya-ya, da-da...

- I think we're all a little crazy.

Everybody's crazy.

And I think everybody has to adjust

To everybody else's craziness.

And if you know that everybody's a little nuts,

You know, you get along a little better in the world.

- I think, in order to do comedy,

You have to have friction.

You got to have some kind of combatancy.

- I do have in-laws.

They don't live in this country, though.

That makes it easier.

- We've been married 39 years this year

And have spent 39 years

Not talking to each other.

- My parents fought about everything

From, like, money troubles to, uh...

The smallest thing you could imagine--

You know, I mean, over nothing,

Over, like, a chair, you know,

Or a deviled egg.

- Eileen...

You have no idea what I have to put up with.

When I got married, I didn't just get a husband.

I got a whole freak show that set up their tent

Right across the street.

But you can't blame him when you see who the mother is.

She has this kind of sick hold on the both of them.

And the father's about as disgusting a creature

As god has ever dropped on this planet.

So no wonder the kid writes stories!

I should be writing stories. My life is a gothic novel.

And until you have lived in that house

With all of them in there with you,

Day after day, week after week,

Year after friggin' year,

You are in no position to judge me!

Wait. Wait.

What jar of fat?

Aahh.

- I'll tell you what jar of fat.

It was beautiful.

It was fat from panchetta and golden brown sausage.

You'd have to be a cook to understand.

But it was months of carefully selecting

Only the best drippings,

To prepare meals for il duce.

- Yeah, you made all those meals just for me,

And then you went out jogging.

- That was my kitchen!

You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat!

- That jar was for my coins! I needed that!

- You're selfish! - Fat collector!

- Oh, you never appreciated me, ever.

You never, ever appreciated me!

I would work my fingers to the bone all day,

With the kids, with the cooking

And the cleaning and the laundry,

And then you'd waltz in with your list of demands,

And not even a "thank you."

- That's right.

- Debra understands.

- You wanted a thank you?

Where was my thank you?

I waltzed in, huh?

I dragged my ass home every day

After ten hours stuck in a suit,

Stuck in an office, stuck in a car,

And if I needed coins to pay the tolls

That got me to that job that paid for that meat

That made that fat,

Then I'll dump it out whenever I want,

And I don't care what you say!

- That's right. You don't care.

You have never cared about how hard I work

Just to serve you.

- Hey, I don't have to care. That's your job.

- Look, this is marriage.

You wake up in the morning, and she's there.

You--you--

You come home at night, and she's there.

You eat. She's there.

You go to sleep--there.

And I know that sounds like a bad thing...

But it's not.

It's not.

Not if it's the right person.

Then it's good. It's...Good.

It's really, really, good.

- I would like a minute for rebuttal.

- What are you doing?

- Everyone wants me to change? I can change.

I'm taking the covers off.

- Well, where we gonna sit?

- You can sit right here on the couch,

'cause I don't care about these things anymore.

I'm nothing if I'm not flexible.

- What are you saying, marie?

We can sit on the couch?

- Be my guest, frank.

Go ahead.

- You first. - No.

- Would you sit? It's a couch!

- You see, debra?

I can change. I can let go.

It's nice fabric, isn't it?

- It's very nice.

- I feel a little naughty.

- What are you doing?

- If need be, I'm delivering this baby.

- No! You're not a doctor!

- Raymond, I've had training in emergency child delivery.

- I don't care! I don't care!

- You don't talk anymore!

Move over! Come in here, robert!

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

- Holy moses!

- I take exception to that, debra.

- Well, I take exception to what you think, marie.

You think just because you were a good girl in the '50s--

- Good girl? Ha!

- Oh, frank, no!

- Oh, man!

- What the hell are you talkin' about?

- Is that true, marie?

- Go ahead, marie.

I won't tell anyone.

- Okay, yes!

Frank and I succumbed to temptation once...

Just once, before we were married.

I-I was weak,

And I fell for your father's boyish good looks.

That was a long time ago.

I knew it!

I knew we shouldn't do what we did,

But we were in love.

Right, frank?

- I wanted sex.

It was a long time ago.

- So it was just the once, and then you got married?

- It was just the once, and then we had to get married.

- Frank, no!

- Hold it. Whoa. Had to get married?

Wait--wait a minute.

So robert's...

- What?

Oh.

Hey. Leave a message.

Hello? Everything's fine now.

You can bring the cake back over.

Frank? Pick up.

Robert? Raymond?

Are you eating that cake?

You better not have started that cake!

That cake is for all of us!

Frank, I'm coming over.

- Save yourself.

It--it was raymond. I tried to stop him.

oh, my god, yes! Yes!

I love this song!

jungle love, it's driving me mad

It's making me crazy, crazy

Jungle love, it's driving me mad

It's making me crazy

You treat me like I was your ocean

You swim in my blood when it's warm

My cycles of circular motion

Protect you and keep you from harm

You live in a world of illusion

Where everything's peaches and cream

We all face a scarlet conclusion

But we spend our time in a dream

Jungle love, it's driving me mad

It's making me crazy, crazy

Jungle love, it's driving me mad

It's making me crazy, crazy