Original subtitles

- Hey, ma. - Hello, dear.

- Whatcha doin' there?

- Oh, this?

This is called "polishing silver."

- Yeah, I know that.

It's just that we don't often see your silver.

- Please, stop hinting, debra.

The silver's going to robbie.

It's already in the will. - Okay.

- What's this, for lee and stan's anniversary party?

- Their 45th.

They're our dearest friends, but I have to tell you,

I never thought they'd last this long.

- Where you goin', robert?

- What's goin' on in there?

- Oh, robbie's helping your father

Write a funny speech for lee and stan.

- Get back here! We're not done!

- Oh, we're done, old man!

- Fine, fine!

I don't need your help anymore!

Marie, I'm not doing the stupid speech.

- It's the one thing you have to do for the party!

- Well, now the one thing I have to do is eat shrimp.

- You have to write something.

They're our dearest friends.

- To hell with them.

- Oh, you're impossible!

Would you talk to him?

He has to write something. Otherwise--

Raymond...

- Ma, don't even think of it.

- Raymond...

- Back! Back! Back!

- Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Read the will.

- You can do it, raymond.

You can do lee and stan's tribute!

no, I can't!

- They'll be so thrilled!

- Ma, please, I hardly know 'em.

- Raymond, they're our dearest friends.

- No! No! No!

- We're practically related. You lived at their house!

- What?

- When your father and I went to atlantic city.

- That was a weekend.

- It was a long weekend.

- You said it.

- Oh, raymond, you'll be wonderful.

- Ma, ma, I spend all day trying to write my column.

I don't have time to come up with an anniversary speech.

- It's not a speech.

It was a speech when your father was doing it,

'cause that's all he could handle.

But you... You can do anything!

- Not anything. In fact, nothing.

- Maybe you could do, like,

An interpretive dance or something.

- You could do a thing where you shut it!

- Hey, listen, ray, whatever you do,

Try to mention that my name is debra.

Lee keeps calling me donna.

- Are you helping me?

- This has to be special,

'cause it's the evening's entertainment.

So I want you to feel free to get creative.

- I'd like to feel free to not do this!

I'm not good at this stuff!

- Oh...

You're a witty and charming boy.

Why don't you do a funny poem?

- A poem? No! No way, no!

- You don't want to disappoint everyone, raymond.

- Yeah! You can't help out?

- Oh...

Your mother thinks I am a moron.

I agree to help her

And heat up some things for the party tomorrow.

Listen to her directions for me:

"debra, these are mini quiches,"

Then in parentheses, "french cheese pies."

"put in the oven tomorrow at 6:00 p.M."

"p.M." is underlined.

- So what? It's not that bad.

- Oh, no? Listen to this:

"caution--oven gets hot."

- Hey, deb. - Hey, robert.

- What's up, shakespeare?

- Shut up!

- How goeth it?

- I don't know. Here, look at this.

- "it's no wonder stan was attracted to lee.

He's an accountant, so he appreciates good figures."

What are you saying?

That lee has a good figure?

Have you seen lee?

- Stop it! I know, all right?

It's not funny.

These people are not funny.

They play cards and walk around the mall for exercise.

They're boring people.

- Yeah, too bad it's not ma and dad's anniversary.

Then you'd have material! - Oh!

You know what I was thinkin' of the other day?

Remember the time mom sewed his fly shut?

- What? When was this?

- Yeah, we were in high school,

And she was sick of him sittin' on the couch

All open and unzipped.

- Yeah, it didn't work, though.

He'd just come home, whip off his pants,

And hang 'em on the front doorknob.

- Then he'd come in the house.

- Hey, you know what?

That's what you should do, stuff about your parents.

- It's lee and stan's thing.

- I know, but you could do, like, a marriage comparison,

You know, where lee and stan

Are a classic, successful marriage,

And your parents are...

Less classical.

- That's true.

I would love to be able to bring up the time

They drove a car through the living room wall.

- Yeah, as opposed to lee and stan,

Who prefer to ring the doorbell.

That's good. - Yeah.

- Yeah.

Or...Or how 'bout the time my father

Accidentally gave out condoms for Halloween?

- How 'bout the time that they fought for a week

Because they were literally comparing apples and oranges?

- Right...Right!

I remember that. I had to vote!

- Yeah.

That's good.

- Hey, this is pretty good stuff.

Maybe we should do it.

You and me, we could do, like, a skit.

- Yeah, sure, I'll do it with you.

- Whoa, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You cannot do that.

- What? Yeah, sure we can.

You can be lee and my mom,

And I'll be stan and my dad.

- Oh, that would be hilarious. - Yeah.

What else we got on 'em, like the pants thing?

- Oh, no, no, no.

Look, when I said that, I wasn't serious.

Count me out.

- All right, you're out. So how should we do it?

- Now--now, look. Look.

Really--let me tell you something, ray.

This stuff is not funny.

- What? You were just laughin'.

- Yeah, but that was behind their backs.

This would be in front of their faces

With all their friends watching.

- Yeah, see, that's right, their friends,

So everybody would know we were just kiddin' around.

- Yeah. - No.

I'm telling you, you shouldn't do this.

It would just humiliate them,

And your children will be watching!

- The kids are gonna be at a sleepover,

And mom and dad are unhumiliatable.

- I'm telling you, this is very risky.

- No...It's funny.

I think it's funny. Isn't it funny?

I thought it was funny.

- Ah, maybe we shouldn't do it.

- Hey, you know what I always like?

A good song parody.

- A song parody? Like what?

- How 'bout something like...

Lee and stan have been married 45 years

Lee and stan have been married 45 years

Oh, they like to play canasta

And take walks around the malls

And why not? It's marvelous exercise

- I think the skit is funny.

- We're gonna do a skit. We're gonna do a skit.

- So okay, I'll be your mom...

- Okay, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. - And finally...

This is how lee and stan might visit someone's home.

Ding-dong!

Hello! Thank you for inviting us.

- Oh, stan, isn't this a lovely house?

- It certainly is, and you are lovely too, lee.

- Oh, thank you, stan. I love you.

- And I love you, lee.

Now...

Let's take a look at how frank and marie

Might visit someone's home, shall we?

- Do you think raymond is home?

- Let's find out.

Ba-boom!

- Hello, dears.

- Make me somethin' to eat!

- Don't mind me.

I'll just be going through your mail.

- And I'll just be watching your television.

- Oh, frank, zip up your pants!

- Zip up your mouth!

- Oh, my god, look what they leave lying around,

The "sports illustrated" swimsuit issue.

- Holy crap! Give me that!

- Frank, you know that's not what real women look like.

- No kidding.

- And just what magazine are you in, frank,

"bald and gassy"?

- Hey, my problem is,

I got a lifetime subscription to you!

- And I can cancel it at any time!

- Make me somethin' to eat!

- Make it yourself!

- If I could make it myself, you'd be out on the curb!

- You'd love that, wouldn't you?

- I think we'd both love it.

And you know what else we both love?

Lee and stan! Happy anniversary!

- Oh, that's great.

That was so funny.

Thank you so much!

I was crying, laughing.

Have you ever seen anything like that?

- It's better than broadway.

- I didn't like it. Too much lee and stan.

- That was wonderful!

I liked when you called him "bald and gassy."

- I knew him when he was just gassy.

- Look who's talking!

- I said to frank, "that's you to a 't'!"

- You had this one down perfectly.

I was petrified!

- Well, we're glad you could enjoy it.

- Better than broadway.

- Thank you. - Thanks.

- All right. - Let's get a drink.

- All right. Now we can enjoy ourselves.

- Well, raymond, it's official:

They love you no matter what you do.

- No matter what I do?

You mean like provide crowd-pleasing entertainment?

- It just should be noted that everybody was drunk.

- Drunk with laughter.

- Oh, my, my, my.

You know, I expect that from raymond

But not from you, debra.

I'm very disappointed.

- no one's going to listen to robert anymore

No one's going to listen to robert anymore

- All right!

- you were wrong and we were funny

And you can't stand it, honey

Did I mention that you're due back at the zoo?

- Oh, we should have done the song.

- We could have done the song.

Couldn't have been that song.

- Good-bye, max.

- Thank you, dear. Very nice.

- Thanks for coming, garvin.

- Great party! First-class entertainment.

Hey, ray, debra...

- Hey, thank you, garvin. Thank you.

- Hey, robert, I want to see you in there next time.

You could be, like, a-- a big indian

Or a--or a--a big, funny, galumph-y waiter.

- Bye! - Bye.

- Never liked that guy.

- Marie, this was terrific.

- Absolutely. Garvin was right.

Your show was top-notch.

- Thanks. Thank you.

- Just remember who got raymond to do it.

- Well, couldn't have done it without debra.

- Well, we had great inspiration.

- She's right. Without us, no show.

- That's true.

- You two were so good.

- You know, you and frank better get ready,

Because you might have to do something like that

For their anniversary.

- Oh, that, I'd love to see.

- We wouldn't know what to do.

- Are you kiddin'? It'd be a piece of cake!

- Oh, yeah? - Give us a little, frank.

- No, no, no. You two just do us some more.

- No, no. Go ahead.

"no, no. Go ahead."

- That's him! With the nasal voice.

- Yeah, nasal voice, all right.

oh, I hurt my pinkie

When I was typing!

The keys were so hard!

I can't do this anymore!

oh, stop, ray.

I'm trying to heat up soup from a can...

And it's very tricky.

- That's you, donna!

it's debra.

- Who cares? Pay more attention to me!

I'm a needy, whiny baby!

My pinkie!

Oh!

- Stop! Stop!

- Ray, you never help me with anything around here.

Idiot.

- You're so mean to me!

I want my mommy!

- Then go over there, because I'm too busy

To be nice to you.

- That's perfect,

'cause she's so mean to him, always!

- And he's such a baby!

- I am not!

- See?

- Stop! My stomach! You're killing me!

- More!

Do some more!

- Yeah, you know what? It's gettin' kind of late.

- Yeah, yeah, it is. It really is.

- Hey, hey, dad, do how he has no ass!

- I'm sorry, but that is messed up!

I mean, that is just not funny!

- Why would they do that?

- Why? Because they have no class.

No class!

- Raymond, you left without saying good-bye to lee and stan.

That was rude.

- Yeah, where are your manners?

- Me, manners? You, manners!

You were right. You were right, man.

They have no sense of humor.

- I think they're the feel-good hit of the season.

- What are you talking about, raymond?

- Oh, come on, ma, you didn't like our skit,

So you went out of your way to embarrass us.

- We loved your skit. Didn't we, frank?

- Yeah, for those five minutes,

I didn't mind everybody drinkin' my booze.

- Okay, you know, let's just be honest, all right?

We're sorry we made fun of you.

We're sorry we hurt your feelings.

- Hurt our feelings? We were laughing.

Everybody was laughing.

- Well, then why'd you lash out at us?

- What the hell are you talkin' about?

We were bein' funny, just like you.

- Bein' funny, just like us.

Let me explain something about humor to you people.

Yeah, see? Right there.

That's a perfect example of something that is not funny.

And also ugly.

I think that you need to learn

That usually what makes something funny is its tone,

A light, comic feeling.

That's why people were laughing during our skit:

We had the spirit of fun about us.

Therefore, the audience was free

To feel comfortable and amused.

- Will this lecture be available on audiocassette?

- I'm telling you, ray,

I heard people laughing at our stuff too.

- Yeah, okay fine, if you want that kind of laugh.

Those were cheap laughs.

- They were? - Of course they were.

Oh, granny said "idiot."

What's clever about that?

- Yeah, and when did I ever do this?

- All right, so let me get this straight:

It's okay to poke fun at mom and dad,

But you guys are strictly off-limits?

- No, no...

No.

- I mean, come on, robert!

There is a huge difference here!

We had to think up what we were gonna say.

They were so ready with their attack!

- Yeah, that's right,

Like you practice it in your basement.

- Yeah.

- Ah...You know, I think what we're seeing here

Is that humor, while so often a tonic,

Can be a poison to those unprepared to take it.

Ah.

- Yeah, yeah, great.

Why don't you ba-doo-dee-do out of here?

- Okay...

Now, see, a line like that

Just rolls off my back,

Whereas if I call you a name like "nosy nosenstein"...

You get your big honker all out of whack.

Beep! Beep!

- Look, our skit was all in fun.

We were even worried about offending you.

- Why would you be offending us?

- Yeah, you think you're telling us stuff we don't know?

Marie knows she's a big pain in the ass.

- And frank knows he's a pig with shoes.

- Hey, yeah, I tell you what would have been funny--

If you had talked about the time

We drove the car through your house.

- Now, that was hysterical!

- Okay, but--

You know, I really did hurt my pinkie that time.

- Oh, raymond...

Raymond...

You have to believe me:

We didn't mean to hurt your feelings

With our little imitations.

But now that I know you both are so sensitive,

We will never make those kinds of jokes again.

All right?

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I mean, you're implying that we can't take a joke.

And of course we can.

- Of course we can. I love to take a joke.

- Yes, now that we know that you were just kidding around,

We are fine.

We laugh at ourselves all the time.

- All the time. We're laughin'.

We're jokin' all the time.

- I mean, everybody knows that he's kind of a whiny baby

Who needs his mommy

And never does anything around the house.

- That's right. That's right.

And you're like an uptight, cranky yell machine.

With stick-out-y ears.

- Yeah, so you see,

We have a perfectly good sense of humor.

- So everybody's okay, then?

Yeah, sure.

- Absolutely. - Are you kidding?

We're fun people!

- Okay, good. - Okay.

- Oh, I'm so relieved.

- Yeah, me too,

'cause there was no way I was gonna stop with the jokes.

- We don't want you to.

- No way. That's what families are all about.

- Good night. - All right, good night.

- That was fun.

- Well, you know, I got to tell you,

I really misjudged you guys.

You're much better sports than I gave you credit for.

And your skit was funny too.

- Thanks, robert. - Thanks, man.

- You know, like I always say:

"live, love, laugh."

I'll see you.

- "cranky, uptight yell machine"?

- Hey, whoa! What about you? "whiny baby, needy mommy!"

- I only say that because it's true!

- Oh, look out.

Don't want to turn on the yell machine,

'cause there's no off switch!

- "mommy! Mommy! Mommy! My wife is being mean to me."

- Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh!

- Oh, yeah. That's a good comeback.

- "that's a good comeback."

- Oh, there's another one. - "oh, there's another one."

- You're an idiot. - Meh, meh, meh!

- 10.

11.

Wait a minute.

There's a teaspoon missing.

There's supposed to be 12 teaspoons.

There's only 11. Ma, what the hell?

- What are you yappin' about?

- There's supposed to be 12 teaspoons.

This is an incomplete set!

- What party are you gonna give with 12 guests?

- A big party, 'cause it'll be the reading of your will!

Maybe it got scraped into the trash can.

Maybe it's in the trash.

That is not funny!