Original subtitles

- So, girls, you're out there.

You're selling cookies.

Someone approaches you.

What do you say?

- "would you like to buy some cookies?"

- No.

Again, we say,

"how many cookies would you like to buy?"

See, a frontier girl never gives 'em

The chance to say no.

You must always remember--

- If your mother tells me not to buy it,

Then I can't buy it.

Hi. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

My wife had to take the twins to the doctor, yeah.

I told her, "just bring one of em,

And we'll double the medicine."

Yeah.

- Have a seat. - I'll have a seat.

Excuse me. I'll sit over there.

Sorry. Excuse me.

- Ow! - Oh, god! I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Are you okay?

Oh, boy. Really sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, really sorry.

Oh, excuse me. Sorry. All right.

I'm sorry. Ay-yi-yi.

I stepped on a child.

- Oh, goodness.

- Sorry.

I'm sorry, real sorry.

- All right, where was I?

Okay, I was about to remind you

Of the most important rule of sales.

"always be closing."

Girls?

"always be closing."

- Do you want to sell cookies?

Again.

Always be closing!

Very good.

Okay.

Now, this year's prizes.

Top seller on the board

Gets this beautiful beach chair and umbrella set.

Ooh.

- Second prize is a uniform patch.

Oh.

- And the third prize--

- You're out of the troop.

I was only--I'm kidding. It's not true. It's not true.

I was just joking.

I'm sorry.

- The third prize

Is this sheet of wildlife stickers.

- Oh!

That's-- no, I like that.

That's got monkeys on it, right?

Yeah. I like monkeys.

- Okay, girls,

It's time to go with mrs. Manning.

She's going to teach you how to make a pinhole camera

Out of an orange juice container.

Everybody brought their orange juice containers?

- You know what, ally?

I got a real camera in the car.

Great pictures, no pulp.

- And, moms, in addition to your door-to-door sales,

I'll be assigning locations for your cookie-selling booths.

There's coffee and snacks here if you want them.

- Boy, she takes this stuff seriously, huh?

- Peggy? Oh, yeah.

And you can forget about getting that beach chair--

She's a killer.

- What do you mean?

I thought the girls sell the cookies.

- Yeah, right.

- Hello, ally's dad. I'm molly's mom.

- Hi. Hi, I'm ray.

- I'm giving you lickety-split cleaners.

That's where debra and ally can set up on the sidewalk

And sell cookies.

- Okay, well, and it might not be debra.

I mean, I could be out there with ally.

I'm one of those very involved dads.

- Good for you.

Here you go.

- Oh, listen, sorry about the joke before, you know?

I didn't mean to--

oh, no, I enjoyed it immensely.

It was very, very funny.

- Damn! I got peetie's.

- What--the muffler place? Peetie's?

- Peetie's.

I can't do anything with this deadbeat spot.

No foot traffic.

She gives herself marco's pizza every year.

That's why she wins.

- Man, that's totally bogus.

- Peetie's.

- Excuse me.

- Uh, peggy, ah, I'm sorry,

But peetie's is kind of out of the way for me.

- Oh. Okay. Well, you know what?

I'm sure that ally's dad

Wouldn't mind switching with you.

- Wha--huh? Me? Peetie's?

- Yeah, switch your card with sarah.

You don't mind, do you?

- Well, actually, peetie's, we're--

- What was that?

- Nothing.

- Thanks, ally's dad.

- Hey, good luck.

Maybe you'll get those monkey stickers.

- Hi, mommy.

- Hey, honey. How was your meeting?

- Could you come next time?

- Sure.

- Hey, don't ever do that to me again, okay?

- What?

- Send me to one of those meetings.

I was the only guy in that henhouse.

Really, really. I shouldn't have to do that.

- What, spend time with your daughter?

- Oh, don't put your twist on it, okay?

And what's with that troop leader?

- Peggy? She's all right.

- Oh, I should have known. You're best friends.

- I hardly know her,

But I appreciate all the organization she does.

She's a great troop leader.

- Yeah, so was hitler.

Similar uniform too.

Look at this. Huh?

Peetie's. Can you believe that?

That's the worst cookie spot!

Peetie's!

- How do you know?

- Everybody knows! Come on.

I had lickety-split,

But she forced me to trade it for peetie's muffler place,

And then she gets marco's, the best spot!

- How did she force you?

- How?

She ripped it out of my hand.

I'm lucky I have a hand still!

Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something.

This lady doesn't know who she's dealing with, okay?

I'm gonna take this cookie sign-up sheet to work.

I'll hang it up at madison square garden.

Yeah.

Little miss peggy won't know what hit her.

I'll be bringing home that sweet, sweet beach chair.

- Ray, ally should sell her own cookies.

That's how we've always done it in the past.

- Yeah, and that's why every time we go to the beach,

We got to sit in the freaking sand, okay?

No, uh-uh.

No more.

No more, baby.

Let peggy clean the sand out of her behind!

- Give me the sheet.

- No, no, this is for madison square garden.

- Give me the sheet.

- Come on!

- Ray.

All right, fine.

Don't come crying to me

When you're out there this summer

In the hot sand, going like this...

- How about this, huh?

Sitting around, having cookies and milk.

This is nice.

- Hey. - Was nice.

- Hello, raymond.

Oh, I'm so happy you're here.

- You hungry? - No, not really.

- You'll have some cookies and milk.

Here.

- He said he didn't want any.

- He doesn't know what he wants.

- Well, he's not getting any of these.

- You know, I'm glad you're buying these cookies.

Debra wouldn't let me take ally's sign-up sheet to work.

We could have been the cookie champions of the world.

- We didn't buy these from ally.

- What do you mean?

- Well, a lady and her daughter

Just came to our door.

- What lady?

- I don't know. A very nice lady.

I think her name was, uh...Peggy.

- Peggy!

"let raymond have some cookies."

- How could you do that?

How could you buy cookies from peggy?

- We were hungry.

- Don't you know that ally is selling

The very same cookies?

- I liked that peg and her little girl.

Cute as a button.

Didn't say a word, but simply precious.

- She was darling.

- More darling than your granddaughter?

- Of course not! We love ally.

Ally is delightful.

You are gonna do something about her teeth, though,

Aren't you?

- Her teeth?

- We've always felt bad

That we didn't have yours fixed.

- Maybe you did.

I used the 400 bucks to buy a belt sander.

- Wait a minute. What-- what's wrong with my teeth?

- Have you ever looked in your mouth?

It's like a prison riot.

- And that little girl's hair, with those lovely braids.

- Yeah, yeah, like heidi in the mountains.

- Ally has nice hair.

- Ally's hair.

- What?

- She's got beautiful hair,

But someone has to groom it properly.

How many times have I offered to take her to my beauty salon?

- So she can have this look?

- Better this look than...

- Look, ally's hair is fine!

Even if she looked like an iguana,

You should have bought cookies from her instead of a stranger,

A stranger who happens to be my archenemy!

- Oh... You have an archenemy.

What are you, a superhero now?

- Captain big nose.

- "I'm gonna blow you away!"

- Hey, ray, you got to--

- Ah, ah, ah, ah-- look at this.

Look at this. You see this? You happy now?

- Oh, where'd these come from?

- Not from us!

- Don't worry, raymond.

We'll buy a box from ally too.

- A box? One box?

- No! No more cookies!

We're not the rockefellers!

- One box for me.

I'll get the apple cinnamon, because it's low-fat.

- Not after you butter 'em.

- You know who they got these from?

Your friend peggy hitler.

- You have a friend named hitler?

- She's not my friend.

- But her last name is hitler?

- She's not a hitler.

- She invaded our territory.

- See, now I feel bad for ally.

We'll buy more than one box from her.

- No, we're not!

Braid her hair, fix her teeth,

And come back next year!

- Okay, you know, everybody, don't worry.

You don't have to buy any more cookies.

All the money goes to the same troop.

- That's not the point!

This woman poached our own family!

- What is it with you and "this woman"?

I don't like her!

- And, uh, why don't you like her?

- What do you mean?

She's pushy and annoying and--and--

- And she's a woman?

- What? I never said that.

- Oh, come on, ray.

You wouldn't act like this if a man did this.

- A man wouldn't do this.

- Okay.

Did you hear that?

You don't like women.

- Who likes women?

- I like women.

- Don't lie, raymond.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, I always felt you had a problem with women.

- A problem with women? Like who?

- Well, me, for instance.

- What?

You're my mother. You're not a woman.

- Dr. Freud on line one for you, raymond.

- You had this problem your whole life,

Ever since you could talk.

- What? What was the problem?

- You didn't want to talk.

- To you. He didn't want to talk to you.

- Exactly.

He doesn't understand women,

Because women need to talk things out,

And you've never wanted to do that.

- She's right. - Oh, here we go.

- No, you don't want a woman who talks

Or needs anything or wants anything,

And the moment a woman expresses herself,

She belongs in the henhouse.

- Amen.

- You should hear how he talks about this peggy.

- Calls her hitler. - Oh, will you stop it?

- I don't have to stop. I have no problem with women.

- You have no women.

- He's worried about peggy-- or any woman--

Beating him out of a beach chair.

- No, no, no, look.

It's not about a beach chair anymore, okay?

This woman-- this person is mean.

This person is a bully

Who bullies people in a mean way!

- And because she wants the beach chair

As much as he does, he calls her names.

He has a problem with women.

- I don't know how you got that way.

- I hate that peggy.

- Just wondering, this hitler woman--

She's not a single mom, is she?

- Uh, why are we setting up here?

I thought we were going to peetie's.

- Yeah, well, little change of plan, sweetie.

There we go.

It's nice here at marco's, isn't it?

Let's fix your hair a little.

- Ow! - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

"eye appeal is buy appeal."

Oh, customers. Come on. Come on.

Stand up. Stand up straight.

- How many cookies would you like to buy?

- How about zero?

- You could be a little louder, you know?

Just a little more forceful. Like this. Watch.

Cookies! Cookies! Cookies! - Oh, no, thank you.

- Creamy! Chocolate fudgy! - That's okay.

- Delicious cookies! - Cookies, mommy!

- I'm sorry, sweetie, but we haven't had our lunch yet.

- I want cookies! - No, sweetie. Come on.

- Double chocolate chip. - I want cookies!

- All right.

Just one box for after lunch.

- Okay, sure. Well, thank you.

And the frontier girls thank you.

- Yeah, he's gonna be bouncing off the walls now,

You jerk.

- See? That's how we do it.

Now, we'll use this box here.

We'll put money in this box.

We'll put that right here.

We'll get everything set.

Oh. Hello.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm watching my daughter sell cookies.

- But this is my spot.

- Is that so?

- I think you know that.

- I think you know where my parents live.

- Molly, why don't you go inside for a few minutes

And get some ice cream?

- Yeah, ally, why don't you go with molly

And get some ice cream?

Her mom's treating.

- Thanks, dad. - Thanks, mom.

Come on!

- I had you pegged the minute you walked in the door.

If you're going to be part of the frontier organization,

There's one thing you need to understand.

- What's that? "always be cranky"?

- Look, I want you to get out of here.

- Why? This is a great spot. I'm selling tons of cookies.

- In our organization,

There are some rules that everyone must follow.

- Yeah. Your rules.

- That's right. Read the sash.

- Listen, lady.

When you came out to my street and sold to my family,

You crossed a line.

- Your family happens to live in my neighborhood,

So, yeah, I sold to them.

And you know what?

I enjoyed it.

- You are despicable!

- They were good customers.

Peanut clouds,

Cinnamon swirls...

- All right!

- Ding-a-longs, chocolate waves...

- Stop it. - They were loving it.

You should have seen the looks on their faces,

Especially the giant and the bald one.

- Yeah, well, you didn't even scratch the surface, okay?

You have no idea what those two are capable of putting away.

- Are you gonna move?

- I don't think so, peggy.

- Last chance.

- I'm right here.

- All right.

Are you gonna get off my spot?

- Never!

- Hey, what are you doing?

- I got it under control, deb.

- He took my spot.

- I don't care what he did.

Nobody...

Beats up my husband.

- She didn't beat me up!

- You got a problem, you take it up with me.

- I can handle this, deb.

- You know what I think, peggy?

You are a bully.

I don't like bullies.

You come near my husband again,

You're gonna have a real problem.

- Hi, mommy. - Hi, mommy.

- Hi, kids! How you doing?

How's that ice cream, huh?

- What happened?

- Uh, daddy tripped.

- And I was helping him up.

- Well, it was good to see you again, peg.

- Good to see you, deb.

So, mol, let's go set up in front of the laundromat.

- You know what's a good spot? Peetie's!

See? No problem with women.

You thought I had a problem, but you said she's a bully.

- Clean this up. - Yes, ma'am.