Original subtitles

- I can't believe you.

Somebody just drops by,

And you've got homemade cookies.

You're amazing.

- Oh, yeah, amy, I'm amazing.

I can turn on the oven and cut up a log of dough.

- I never get that far.

I just peel back the plastic and eat it like a banana.

- So, amy, what's new with you, hmm?

- No, no, past that. Past that.

Get to the good stuff, the dating scene.

- Oh, you don't want to go back there, deb.

I feel like I'm one of those things

On the salad bar that nobody touches

'cause it's been sitting out there too long.

- No.

Come on; all you need is a little spritz of water.

And you should be more assertive.

- Nah, that's not me.

Maybe I'll just wait for one of you guys.

- Hey. - Hi, robert.

- Hello.

- Oh, robert, this is my friend amy.

We used to work at the p.R. Firm together.

This is robert, ray's brother.

- Ray's brother? - Mm.

- Listen, debra, once again it's that time of year

Where I have to ask you

To look deep into your hearts and pockets

To pledge your continued support

For those of us who risk our lives for you.

- Yeah, sure, robert. How much--

- Let me finish.

Your $20 pledge enables us to upgrade our equipment,

Fund our community outreach program,

And provide our canine division with crunchy treats.

Thank you.

- Oh, I've got $20.

- Thank you, ma'am, for your generosity.

Your contribution entitles you to a reflective decal.

- Thank you.

How long have you been a police officer?

- 15 years.

- Robert's a sergeant.

- Oh, you don't have to tell her that.

Oh, you made cookies, huh? - Uh-huh.

- I love it when you bake.

- So you're a police sergeant.

Your wife must get worried sick about you.

- Well, not as sick as she used to.

We're divorced.

- Oh. I'm sorry.

- No, no.

It's all for the best.

I'm much happier now than I used to be.

- I just have so much respect

For people in your line of work.

- Ah, it's just hours of boredom

Interrupted by moments of unbelievable horror.

- Hey, oh, I'm glad you're here.

I got a light out on the ceiling,

And I don't have a ladder.

- Sure.

- Uh, no, no. Robert, you stay here.

I'll help you change it.

- You? You're a shrimp.

How many times am I going to have to throw you up there?

- Just come here, ray, all right?

- Why? What's going on? - What do you mean?

Can't you see there's chemistry happening in there?

- Chemistry?

Oh, look, robert's not ready for chemistry, okay?

He could blow up, now.

He's still gun-shy from his divorce.

- But it's been a year since his wife left him.

- She didn't just leave him.

She left him for a guy he arrested, okay?

You don't get over that fast.

No, no, no. This isn't going to happen.

- Well, you know, maybe we can make it happen.

- No, no, no, no. I'm not doing that.

- See, now, that's sad. She's laughing at him.

- - Okay, amy, I guess I'll give you a call.

- That'd be great.

I look forward to it.

- Yeah.

- Thanks again for the decal.

- Yeah.

- You okay, robert?

- Yeah.

- I've never seen him that happy.

- Hey, squirt.

- Hey, how you-- oh, her.

- Hey, debra. - Hi, robert.

- I talked to your friend this evening,

And it looks like we're going out.

- oh, robert, that's great!

Good for you!

- I got to get out of this.

- Oh, come on.

You're just nervous 'cause you haven't dated for a while.

- Nah, I'm not nervous. I just want out.

- Oh!

- Well, come on, you've got plenty of good excuses.

You're a cop.

Hey, here's one. Tell her you got shot.

- Would you sit down? - Hey, no, what?

- He should go out with her.

- No, not if he doesn't like her, right?

You don't even know if he likes her.

- Do you like her, robert?

- I felt a stirring.

- That's terrific. You should.

Amy's a wonderful girl.

What is it that you're worried about?

- All right, it's just-- just that I've been

Out of the loop for a while, you know,

And, well, most of the women I talk to are in handcuffs.

And then half of them turn out to be men.

- Listen, you'll be fine. Just relax.

- That's not possible.

- Oh, listen, I got advice for you.

When you pick her up,

You got to remember that you're off duty.

You know, so, like, when you--

When open up the car door for her,

Don't push her head down like this.

You don't want to do that.

- All right, thanks.

That's great, raymond. I appreciate it.

- Robert, you have a fascinating job,

So just talk about that,

'cause amy's obviously interested.

- No, no, no, no, no. Listen, listen.

On the first date,

It doesn't matter what you do on the date.

It all comes down to saying good night.

Are you going to kiss her good night,

Or is it going to be a handshake?

You know, you can't assume that she wants a kiss.

So--so-- well, this is what I do.

When the moment arrives,

You kind of lean in a little, you know?

Yeah, you got to see if she's going to respond to it.

Don't go too far, though,

Because you reach, like, a certain point,

And you got to go in; you're committed.

And then if she's not expecting a kiss,

Then you got to whisper something in her ear.

"boy, it's humid."

- Okay, I appreciate all the advice.

That's great.

It's still not going to help me with my biggest problem.

- What is it, robert?

- Well, amy's a lovely girl, you know.

She's feminine, delicate, attractive,

And, um, look at me.

- Oh! - Well--

You really can't change that, robert.

- Oh. Ray!

What are you talking about, robert?

You're a very good-looking guy.

- Ah, I'm the hulk.

- Oh, come on. Come on, robert.

You're not...Green.

- I'm just not comfortable with my appearance,

Never have been.

- You are being silly.

I mean, you're very attractive.

You're tall, dark, and handsome.

That's what every woman wants.

- Oh, debra, you're just saying that.

- No, listen. I've always felt that way.

- Yeah, see? There you go, robert.

- Yes, in fact, of all the barones,

I'd say that you are the most--

- What?

- The m-most tallest and the most d-darkest.

- What--what were you going to say there?

- Nothing. I'm just telling robert how attractive he is.

- Thank you, debra.

If you'll excuse me, I have a date with miss amy.

- Boy, it's humid.

- Would you two like to be alone?

- I got an ingrown thing.

I can't, uh-- - yeah.

Ray, is this because of what I said downstairs

About robert?

- Downstairs? About robert?

Something about how handsome he is?

How if you could do it all over again, you'd marry him?

- Now, come on.

I never said anything like that.

- Well, you were about to, but you stopped

When you saw the warthog you're stuck with for life

Sitting next to you.

- You don't think I think you're attractive?

I do.

I never knew that you thought robert was more attractive.

- Oh!

- Let me tell you something. I grew up with robert, okay.

I've seen parts of him that aren't so pretty.

I've been in the tub with this guy.

- Honey. Listen, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you were so sensitive about your looks.

- Who said that? I never said that.

It's the teeth, right?

- What? - Yeah, not all the teeth.

The top teeth are okay, but the bottom teeth--

Look.

Ugly, right?

- Well, that.

- Yeah, see? I knew it.

- Oh, ray.

- You know, I'm a lot better looking

With a suntan.

- I don't believe this.

- You shouldn't look at my face when it's relaxed,

'cause I'm a lot better looking

When it's flexed.

Just, you know, it's hard to talk like this.

- Please keep it flexed, then.

Look, ray, I'm really sorry.

You know, I just misspoke.

You're the more attractive one.

I mean that. I really do.

So can we just, you know,

Forget this whole thing, all right?

Just go to sleep, okay?

Good night.

- It's the pores on my nose, right?

- The pores on your nose?

- Yeah. I got these pores.

They're large.

They're large pores.

- They're regular pores, ray.

You just think they're large because you--

- Because?

Because?

Because they're on my large nose.

- No, no, no.

No, honey. Come on.

Come here, baby.

- No, no, no, no. It's okay, okay?

I don't want your pity.

- Raymond. Hello, dear.

- Hi, ma. Here.

Thanks for the thing here.

- You're welcome, sweetheart.

You hungry?

- No, no, no. - No?

You want some toast? - No, no, no, no.

- I got raisin bread.

- No, ma, I'm not hungry.

Listen, ma. - Yeah.

- Can I ask you something?

- Anything, dear.

- How do I look to you?

- Why? Are you sick?

- No. - Oh, you don't look so good.

- Ma.

- Oh, no, no. You don't look good.

Ooh, you're pale, and your eyes are sunken in.

What's the matter? - Nothing!

- Oh, don't lie to me, raymond.

You look awful.

Oh, have some raisin toast.

- Ma, stop it. I'm not sick, okay?

This is how I always look.

But thank you.

- So then what is it?

- I was just-- I was wondering,

Between robert and me--

- Ooh, where is robert?

He called last night,

And he said he wasn't coming home.

- Yeah. He had a date.

- He did? - Yeah.

- Robert had a date?

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Who is she?

Oh, I would have ironed his shirt for him.

I mean, they could have eaten here.

I would have made something special.

Why didn't he tell me he had a date?

- Because of this!

- I'm glad he had a date, at least.

I mean, he's been moping around here

Ever since the divorce.

I mean, such a waste.

Oh, he's such a good-looking boy.

- So you think so too?

- Of course. Who doesn't?

Oh, everybody used to say

What a beautiful boy your brother was.

- What about me?

- Well, you're adorable.

- Adorable? Like a hamster?

- No, like a person.

But, oh, your brother used to turn heads.

Whoo!

He always had that sort of old-fashioned movie-star look

Like, uh, valentino.

- Oh, so I see.

So he's valentino, and I'm fievel.

- Oh, sweetheart.

No, both of my boys are gorgeous...

In their own way.

But I think that robert sort of takes after me a bit more,

Whereas you favor your father.

- Marie. - Yeah.

- Marie.

What's the difference between a bunion and a corn?

- Oh.

Do you know that your son here

Doesn't think he's good-looking?

- Oh, just stop it.

- What do you mean, you're not good-looking?

You look like me.

- There you go.

Do you know that robert is still out on his date

From last night?

- Hey, great.

Back in the saddle, huh?

I want to turn his room into a study.

- A study? What are you going to study, your feet?

- All right, I'm going, okay?

Thanks, mom. - Ray.

You shouldn't be jealous of your brother.

I mean, consider all the wonderful things you have.

- I know. I know. I know.

That you have a brother who's so classically handsome.

- Robert's classically handsome?

Oh, what world are we in?

- Come on, ray.

Everybody knows robert's the looker in the family.

- Everybody knows this?

Robert didn't know.

- Well, we didn't want to tell him, dear,

Because we didn't want him to get a big head.

- We didn't want to screw him up.

- Well, that worked out well.

- Robert!

- Any one of you happen to catch the sunrise this morning?

Beautiful.

- You had a date. I didn't know.

- Good for you.

It's about time.

It's like riding a bike, huh?

- No, no, there was no cycling.

Amy is 100% lady.

We spent the evening enjoying fine food,

Conversation,

And we split a clip at the shooting range.

- Well, good, I'm glad it worked out for you.

- Well, how was your night, cubby?

You don't look so good.

- Yeah, I know.

- What's with him?

- He's just sensitive.

- Yeah, but he's such a great kid.

- Oh, raymond is the kindest, sweetest boy

In the world,

The kind of son that every mother hopes for.

- Right.

- Oh, man.

- Hello. - Hi.

I'm glad you're here. Look at this.

Chocolate pudding, spaghetti sauce,

And grape juice.

God, it was like a prison riot in here.

Thank god they're all aslee--

Honey, what did you do?

- Nothing, nothing. What?

- Well, I mean, what did you do to your hair?

- It's my normal hair. Don't touch it.

- And you have a tan, don't you?

- No, no.

- You do! - No!

- You went to one of those places.

- For-- for health reasons.

What? I look good, though, right?

- Well, you know, it's nice, but it's--

I mean, what is this whole-- what was that?

- No, it's nothing. They're nothing.

They're nothing. - Let me see.

- They're personal-- they're personal products.

- Oh, my god.

What is this?

Hair gel.

Hair mousse.

Hair volumizer?

- Hair volumizer.

It makes my hair...Louder.

- What is all this stuff?

Deep pore cleanser.

Clarifying lotion?

Do you even know what this stuff is for?

- Well, that's why I got the clarifier.

- God, they saw you coming, honey.

- No, they didn't. I--they're experts in there.

They all had lab coats on.

I thought all this stuff was for women,

But they got a whole line of crap for men.

- Ray, you are completely out of your mind.

I say one thing about your brother,

And you turn into george hamilton.

- Yeah, okay, but I look better now, right?

Yeah, see?

Still not as good as robert, right?

- As good as robert?

- You said that he was the handsome one.

- Well, yes, robert's handsome,

But he's not who I'm attracted to.

- Well, then who is it?

- It used to be you, ray.

I mean, come on.

What, do you think all of this stuff makes you sexy?

This stuff is not you, ray, you know?

And that's not what I want.

I want my regular ray.

That's the ray I've always wanted.

- Are you saying, then, that I'm sexy?

I think I might need a little more convincing.

- Okay.

Oh, my god.

Who did your hair, jiffy lube?

- That's the deluxe finisher model.

- You know what I feel like doing right now?

- Yeah?

Hey, I got something for that too.

- I found our song the other day.

- Song? - Mm-hmm.

- What? Oh, no.

No, no. No dancing.

- Come on, ray.

Whoo!

Come on, baby. Move it.

- I thought you wanted me to feel better about myself.

you know what?

I hear robert is a very good dancer.

Oh, yeah.

- You know, in my day,

Dancing used to lead to something.

- Oh, well, we'll see.

Hey, come on. Give me your move.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- All right, give me room. Stand back.

- Ow!

Ooh.

Aw! Yeah, baby.

Whoo!

Oh, and to think you doubted yourself.

- So you put this on your face, huh?

- Yeah, yeah.

You just--you kind of dab it under your eyes.

- Let me ask you, what do you think?

How do you like that, huh?

- Oh, wow.

That's got a little giddyap to it.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, you know what?

Don't--don't spray it on your wrist.

What you do is, you spray it in the air,

And then you just kind of walk through it.

- You know, I've got this dry patch here.

Do you have anything that could help me with that?

You know, like, a little flakiness.

- Exfoliant.

- Exfoliant. Yeah, yeah.