Original subtitles

So he'll be here at eleven.

That's great. Am I excited?

Of course I'm excited.

When I get off the phone, I may even click my heels.

God, I hate that I saw that.

Yeah, that's just something I can't do. All right, listen up, everybody.

Everybody big announcement. Listen up.

Chuck Ferguson is coming here today. Chuck Ferguson.

Everybody,

can you all hear me?

Hockey legend Chuck Ferguson six times scoring leader, 1980 MVP.

And my personal hero is coming here today

to talk about joining the Sunshine Centers.

Very own San Diego Destroyers as head coach and co owner.

How many of you actually know that we own a hockey team?

You know what this place is?

It's a well oiled machine.

Don't you have another announcement you have to make?

Oh, yes.

For those of you who don't know, Gerard Depardieu passed away.

I'm talking, of course, of Crystal's Dog,

not the French actor who everyone thought was sexy.

In 1991. I fell for it myself briefly.

But in retrospect, that's just a fat French man.

Anyway, Crystal is very upset.

So do yourself a favor and avoid her more than you usually do.

But don't you have even another announcement you have to make?

Oh, yes. Commercial will be shooting

at the Sunshine Center for the next two days meeting insurance.

It's Alonzo.

He's starring in his own commercial.

You are looking at the new face of Ocean City Auto Mall.

Come on. They do not want to hear me say:

Where you'll think you're in heaven, but you're actually in El Cajon.

I love your voice.

It's like warm milk in my ears.

Alonzo.

A word of caution.

People get confused when they see a person on TV, they feel close to them.

Write them letters, knit dolls.

And they're like this with human hair.

If those feelings are reciprocated,

they can get angry.

Thank you again for bringing her into the workplace.

I have a question about Alonso getting a commercial.

Why did Alonso get a commercial?

He missed a shot that lost the playoffs and then cost San Diego or NBA franchise.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe because he's a former basketball star.

He's a pillar of the community.

He's handsome, he's charismatic.

And look at that Tushy. No, I just looked at it.

I just looked at it. Hello, everyone.

Glad to see we're all moving back into the light after shutting ourselves

in our rooms and screaming at God in the darkness.

Yes, we were all just saying that I'm still a little fragile.

So I'd appreciate everyone refraining from using the term hair of the dog.

Wag the dog. Or don't leave your dog in a hot car.

Is one of those dead?

Yes, this one is stuffed.

No, this one

know this one.

Well, it's one of them.

Today I'm holding an optional,

totally optional Memorial service for Gerrard dip are due.

And tomorrow, in the spirit of moving on,

I'm taking a new family photo because after all.

I have a new member of my family.

Everyone, please meet Javier Bardem.

Oh, I'm sorry, son.

I met my dog family, right? Of course.

Your dog family. That one's on me.

What was I thinking?

I'm a presumptuous little boy.

I don't want to embarrass you, Mr. Ferguson.

But the only thing that will embarrass me is if you call me Mr.

Ferguson, call me Chuck Ferguson. The whole thing.

Chuck Ferguson. That'd be great.

Okay, well, Chuck Ferguson.

I was in Chicago and 77 the night you

scored the hat trick against the Blackhawks heck of a night.

We were on the road. I had just found out my wife had been

rushed to the hospital back home to give birth.

Scored three goals, one for each of my new baby.

Triplets Chaz, Chuck Jr.

And Charlene.

That was a very big night for me, too.

One of your slap shots went into the crowd.

Hit a little boy in the head.

That little boy was me.

It never really healed, right?

I'd like you to feel it.

Oh, got a nice hole in your noggin. Here.

Feel this one here.

Don't be shy. Get on in there.

Hey, look at me. I got my finger in Chuck Ferguson's head.

Ever since Crystal Cohen brought

the Destroyers to the Sunshine Center, they've been near and dear to my heart.

Here's why I think you'd be perfect for the team.

You're a winner.

And they're winners.

You lost 56 games last year.

Yes, but we won four, so technically, I'm not lying.

Look, Ben, I like you. I like you, too.

Chuck Ferguson. Here's the thing.

The name Chuck Ferguson means something to people.

It's a brand brand.

That means honesty, hard work.

Saving a little baby in a well with some duct tape and a hockey stick.

Good story. I'll tell it to you sometime.

I think you just did. But you could tell me again.

My point is,

Chuck Ferguson is synonymous with family values.

Why kids want my autograph and why my Jersey still sells.

Not to mention the signature line of barbecue myths.

People love me bad.

What can I say.

I want to partner with an organization

that values family as much as I do.

Well, this is just spooky because we're all about family.

Crystal Cohen just recently brought in her son to work at the arena in an undefined.

I did say I just said it.

You know what?

I think my family could be very happy.

That is so great.

But before we get the lawyers involved, I want to meet the cones first.

They are lovely people.

Look at that.

That's one of the many garbage cans we have here at the Sunshine Center.

We keep them around so the garbage doesn't pile up on the floor.

Are the cows here?

No, they are not.

And that is certainly not them having a dog funeral.

Crystal, I need to bring you up to speed on the Chuck Ferguson deal.

Not now.

I'm consumed with guilt about Gerard, although I don't know why.

He's the one that rolled out the window.

He's ready to come aboard.

He just wants to make sure we're the kind of people he approves of.

He wants to meet the family behind the Sunshine Center.

Those people in that creepy van.

I was wrong to not be clear. My fault.

I'm talking about you and Roman.

He wants to see you and Roman together as a family.

Oh, I don't know.

You saw what happened with Roman and me this morning.

It was very uncomfortable.

It's been like that since he was a boy.

I got preoccupied running this place.

And then he went off to school.

At least I think it was school.

He didn't come back any smarter.

Maybe it was just a building.

The point is, we barely know each other.

Chuck Ferguson is my friend.

This finger has been inside his head,

and he is willing to put up a lot of money to be a part of your hockey team.

A team that's won 14 games in five years.

And all you have to do to make that happen

is to get to know your son really quickly, though.

Like, now you'd have to get to know him right now.

Well, how much money are we talking about?

This much?

This much? That much?

That's very impressive.

Give me my son.

My human son.

I wonder what it would have been like if we dated when you were in the NBA.

No, it was actually kind of boring for the ladies.

You'd find me lots of bling.

And I'd sit in the stands with the other girlfriends, like astronaut wife.

But prettier.

And every time you'd make a three, you'd make a little sign like you'd point

to your heart and then up at the sky like you're pointing to God.

But I know it's me, right?

You start cheating

and I leave you for a rock star and we live on the bus and have a kick ass life.

But then, after all the drugs, booze and casual sex...

ready, though?

Thank God. Yes.

Have you seen Roman Shh.

The director is talking to his star.

I mean, the guy in the fishing desk is talking to Alonso.

So here's my vision.

You got the ball.

You shoot the ball, you miss the shot.

You talk, boy talks. You talk.

Wait. Lance is going to miss the shot.

That's so humiliating.

I probably shouldn't say this,

but this may be the happiest I've been since we stopped sleeping together.

Okay,

let's use this as an opportunity

to show Chuck that we have a real family business.

Now, I know there hasn't been a lot

of communication between the two of you for these past ten years.

I lost my phone. I moved.

I lost my phone again.

I moved back to the place I moved from.

All very strong excuses.

But Chuck Ferguson needs to know that we have a loving and connected family.

So let's talk about a happier time

when you actually used to be in each other's lives.

I'm frightened,

but I'm ready.

Roman likes

television.

I do like television.

Fantastic.

Maybe there's something more specific, though, to the two of you.

Perhaps a memory you both shared.

I remember one Christmas.

Perfect.

Andno, that's it.

I remember one Christmas.

Okay, why don't I thank you. Get the ball rolling.

And I'll tell you a story about my childhood as an example of the kind

of thing I'm talking about, maybe it'll spark something.

When I was twelve, my dad took me camping, and I caught my first fish.

That's scary.

We cooked it up over a fire, and we ate it.

Oh, yeah.

And then after dinner, he told me that he and my mom were getting a divorce.

And then he went into my tent and drank all my allergy medicine.

What a sad night.

So your father's single. -my turn.

When I was little, I had a huge mole on my shoulder.

Turns out, I was initially twins, and it was an underdeveloped head.

My body ate my twin's body.

So far, the mole sister is the one to beat.

Where can we find a normal person?

And just like Papa promised.

When I woke up, the snowstorm was over, my fever was gone.

The pond was frozen.

And we were able to skate again.

And five minutes later, the pony just stood up.

Her breath was steaming out her sticky little adorable nose.

Right then I knew my brother Buck was

a hero, and I didn't even want to be prom Queen.

And the next thing I knew, Duran Duran was singing to me.

I think we have our heartwarming stories, people,

you are a beautiful flower.

Pond, Buck Duran.

I got it. Okay.

One more time. Who made the best Apple pie in the family?

Grandma fella. And where was she from?

Beaver Dam.

And how did she die in her sleep with no regrets.

Very nice.

And Congratulations to both of you for not laughing at Beaver.

That time,

I thought our presentation could use a visual aid.

So I had Heather Photoshop, a picture of you and Roman at the Grand Canyon.

I remember this trip.

No, you don't.

Benjamin, I want to thank you.

I haven't wanted to delve into my past

with Roman because it was too uncomfortable.

But now we don't have to.

So much easier to forget everything and make new stuff up.

You're welcome.

This was quite an adventure.

I wrote a borough named El Diablo.

No, you didn't.

I don't see you in this picture. Hey, Ben.

We should get a beer sometime. Shock.

I would love it.

You know, beer was originally fermented by monks.

Hang out.

Do you have a SEC? Yeah. What's going on?

Well, I have had a lot of fun pretending to be myself.

Well, only someone else.

But listen, Roman, for the last time.

I don't think Chuck's going to make you do the bird calls.

No, I've discovered I'm extraordinary bird calls.

Well, then what could possibly be the problem?

Well,

isn't that weird that none of the memories were using ours?

Yes, a little.

But you wanted to get closer to your mom, and you are sure none of it's real.

But that's part of the fun.

I guess.

I've been trying to find my own memory, and I can't think of one.

Well, look, Roman, if this makes you uncomfortable, we can.

Chuck Ferguson. I see Chuck Ferguson.

Chuck,

what are you doing here?

I thought of that story you told me

earlier today, and I couldn't wait to give this to you.

You didn't have to come all the way down here for that.

I didn't. But that's what Chuck Ferguson does.

You know what it is?

I think it's a hockey stick.

Yes,

but there's more.

Is that the stick that slapped the puck that hit my head?

The one and only straight from my garage.

I was using it to kill Weasels.

So much history.

It's nice that Ben likes the big old hockey man.

He does, doesn't he? I'm not going to let him down.

I love you, Chuck Ferguson.

I just fell in love with you.

You don't have to say it back.

I'm not going through.

This is so exciting.

I haven't had a boyfriend who wore makeup

since that poetry major I dated in College.

He was into the cure.

And ultimately, guys, baby.

Sometimes a little mystery is nice in the relationship.

Maybe we can go over my life.

I can run lines with you.

What's my motivation?

I'd like to play it sexy.

He's a twelve year old boy named Timmy.

I'm a sexy twelve year old boy named Timmy Goo.

Okay, so I take the court, shoot the ball. I miss.

And you say boo.

I may have missed a shot, but don't you miss a shot at savings?

Buying a car anywhere else would be a career killer.

Wait, you really have to say that.

Well, after a couple of takes, if Timmy and I are groove.

I'll probably try a little improv.

But that's the gist.

You have an amazing career. Honey, don't you think this is a little demeaning?

No. They want to make fun of me.

I can take it. I know who I am.

And it'll be fun to be on TV again.

Besides that guest spot I did on Silk Stockings.

I guess it would be nice to have something to show my family

that's not sexy.

And I don't know the fact that Roman and I

milked those cows ourselves or that there was a rainbow in the sky that day.

But we had never churned such sweet butter

that really happened.

See, right there.

That's what's important to Chuck Ferguson.

Butter and rainbows. I like rainbows.

I like butter.

Ben, I think we're going to have a winning season this year.

That is so great.

I love you so much.

Okay, well, I'll send the paperwork over tomorrow.

Wait,

this just reminded me of something.

A memory, like a real memory.

Bob, do you remember that night in Omaha?

So many nights in Omaha? How can you pick just one? Let's stop talking now.

No, there was a straw thing just like this at a diner.

It was when we were hitchhiking across the country

and you had just divorced your third husband.

Remember that we couldn't pay because we

had spent the last of our money at the motel on sodas

and that Bert Reynolds movie with him and that kid.

And they were big city detectives.

Cop and a half.

That's right.

He was half a cop because he was a child.

Third husband.

I thought you married your high school sweetheart.

Yes, she did. Three times.

They love love and family and little cops.

Let's go.

And we let all those napkins on fire

at that diner. Did you strap that top heavy waitress with a cheap highlight?

Hey, we ran out without paying.

It's called dining and dashing, sweetheart.

Then somehow she got us a free ride with a trucker.

Clarence, listen to this.

These two guys,

they disappear into the gas station bathroom for, like, 20 minutes.

They come out free ride to California. Never stop once.

That was our deal time.

And it all began to unravel.

What's going on?

You've been lying to me the whole time.

I like rainbows.

And I did milk a cow.

Well, I thought it was a cow.

How was I milking?

Sorry, Ben.

I don't think this is going to work out, okay?

Yes,

we lied.

And it was my idea.

But they came together in this moment to help me.

They are loyal and real.

And what more can you ask for in a partner?

Ben, let's cut through all this.

I've gotten to know you, and I like you. I like you.

Let me finish. You want real?

I'll tell you real. The triplets.

They hate me. I haven't seen them in ten years.

And I love hookers like a lot.

And that hockey stick I gave you just a weasel stick.

Weasel stick.

This isn't about real. It's about image.

These people are not good

for the Chuck Ferguson brand, so they're not good for Chuck Ferguson.

Well, let me tell you something.

The day that puck hit me was not the greatest day in my life.

I can't see Green, and I laugh out of context.

I'll see you, Ben. Ever want to go?

Horring, give me a call.

You see that's puck damage right there?

I'm sorry we couldn't show my boyhood hero.

Ben, it's okay.

I was being a selfish moron. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry,

but the good news is, you guys have a real memory now, and that is just great.

Damn it.

All right.

Before we do this. I had a brilliant idea.

After you missed the shot.

Timmy here is going to say it's so easy.

Even a kid can do it.

Then Timmy's going to make the shot. That fantastic.

Or what? You're a man with a headphone

now it's one done.

We're back in our cars.

Okay,

let's roll.

All right. Ready?

Wait. Sorry.

Got lucky on that one.

Not a problem.

And action

again. I'm Rusty.

I guess I got this.

What's the deal, though?

Went too late. Did I miss the miss?

Not yet.

He's making it. Why is he making it?

Because he's awesome and he can't miss.

Ho, that was for me.

that was for me, or he suddenly weigh into gods.

Okay, so he's really good at basketball.

But other than that, what does he have that I don't have

me. You're killing me, though.

Close your mouth.

Unbelievable.

I hear you are taking a new family photo.

I think things are going better with Roman.

Roman and I have entered a new phase.

I'll do my best to spend a little more time with him and treat him like my son.

I am happy to hear that.

I'm actually very proud of you. You should be.

I'm a special lady.

There's peanut butter in here. How do I get it?