subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Bloodsucking.Bastards.2015.720p.BluRay.x264.DTS-EPiC

Afrikaans

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic Download

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bengali

Bosnian

Bulgarian

Catalan

Cebuano

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch Download

English

Esperanto

Estonian

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew Download

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Khmer

Korean

Kurdish (Kurmanji)

Kyrgyz

Lao

Latin

Latvian

Lithuanian

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Nepali

Norwegian

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese

Punjabi

Romanian

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Sesotho

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhala

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Telugu

Thai

Turkish

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Odia (Oriya)

Kinyarwanda

Turkmen

Tatar

Uyghur

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:02:24,646 --> 00:02:28,149 Well, this is pretty much the grossest thing I've seen. 2 00:02:31,778 --> 00:02:33,738 No, ma'am. It's actually a lot better than that. 3 00:02:33,738 --> 00:02:37,075 Let me, let me pull something up on my computer really fast. 4 00:02:37,075 --> 00:02:38,409 Oh, there it is. 5 00:02:38,409 --> 00:02:41,829 Um, did you know that nine out of ten doctors 6 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:45,333 recommend this as the only way to quit smoking? 7 00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,669 Can you hold on a second? Fuck you! Fuck! 8 00:02:47,669 --> 00:02:50,129 Fuck you. Fuck you, fucker. 9 00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:51,923 - Hey, Tim. 'oh, hey, Evan. 10 00:02:51,923 --> 00:02:53,341 Have you guys put together the numbers 11 00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:54,759 for Friday's presentation yet? 12 00:02:54,759 --> 00:02:56,219 What presentation? 13 00:02:56,219 --> 00:02:58,513 Phallusite. Phallusite presentation. 14 00:02:58,513 --> 00:03:00,807 Oh, is that the bigger dick thing pill-- 15 00:03:00,807 --> 00:03:03,851 - Natural male enhancement, yeah. -Right. 16 00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,478 - Does that thing even work? -It totally works. 17 00:03:05,645 --> 00:03:08,189 - Heard it turns your junk green. -It still works. 18 00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:10,400 Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it works. 19 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,152 All that matters is that we land the account, all right? 20 00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:16,823 And then I can remove "acting" from acting sales manager. 21 00:03:16,823 --> 00:03:18,491 Hmm, well, I'm on it, man. 22 00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:20,159 - You can count on me. -Thank you. 23 00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:24,622 Pick it up. Pick up the gun. 24 00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:28,376 - They never... -Tim. 25 00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:30,503 - Tim. -I'm on a sales call. 26 00:03:30,670 --> 00:03:33,423 Ma'am, listen, if you're not gonna buy this-- 27 00:03:33,423 --> 00:03:35,341 - You're gonna die. -Shit! 28 00:03:35,341 --> 00:03:37,343 Boo! Tagged your ass, pussy. 29 00:03:37,343 --> 00:03:39,345 You, too? Mike, get to work. 30 00:03:39,345 --> 00:03:41,973 - You owe me 50 bucks. -Shit! 31 00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:46,227 Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks? 32 00:03:49,731 --> 00:03:52,692 Hey, Evan. Sorry to be a nudge, but you wouldn't happen to have 33 00:03:52,692 --> 00:03:55,570 that $20 you owe me for the NCAA tournament pool, would you? 34 00:03:55,570 --> 00:03:57,280 Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry. 35 00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,615 It's been such a bear collecting from people. 36 00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:01,075 Kinda short on cash this month. 37 00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:03,619 My cat has a cleft palate he needs surgery for. 38 00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:06,247 He's constantly lapping milk into his eyes. 39 00:04:06,247 --> 00:04:07,582 It's really tragic. 40 00:04:11,461 --> 00:04:14,213 Okay, bada-bada-bada... 41 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,798 That's baseball, dumb ass. 42 00:04:15,798 --> 00:04:18,134 Oh, I'm sorry. Did I fuck up the rules 43 00:04:18,134 --> 00:04:20,011 of this incredibly well-defined and professional sport 44 00:04:20,011 --> 00:04:21,095 that we just came up with? 45 00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:25,224 Yeah, I'm just saying that this is clearly a basketball throw. 46 00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:27,518 Okay, but I'm sure someone has thrown a baseball-- 47 00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:28,978 Yeah, nobody has ever thrown a baseball. 48 00:04:29,145 --> 00:04:30,855 - In the history of baseball-- -No adult male has. 49 00:04:30,855 --> 00:04:32,565 In the history of baseball, major league baseball... 50 00:04:34,192 --> 00:04:37,069 - Uh, can I help you? -Yes, thank you, actually. 51 00:04:37,069 --> 00:04:40,782 I'm supposed to be working with Evan Sanders today. 52 00:04:40,782 --> 00:04:43,201 - Yeah, he comes in at 9:30. -It's 10:45. 53 00:04:43,201 --> 00:04:44,994 Look, look, you can actually see it vibrate. 54 00:04:44,994 --> 00:04:46,579 Of course, because there's more than one element. 55 00:04:46,746 --> 00:04:48,956 So is Evan here or should I grab a cubicle-- 56 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,666 You'll know when he gets here, okay? 57 00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:52,001 He'll start bugging you for shit. 58 00:04:52,001 --> 00:04:54,253 Now, if you need something to do, you can get me coffee. 59 00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:57,256 - Aren't you already drinking-- -Hey, sport. 60 00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:58,549 You see that garbage over there? 61 00:04:58,549 --> 00:05:01,636 Grab it and throw it in the dumpster in the garage. 62 00:05:02,512 --> 00:05:04,222 Don't we have a good janitor who can do that? 63 00:05:04,388 --> 00:05:07,934 Yeah, well, his time's valuable. Goodbye! 64 00:05:07,934 --> 00:05:10,770 - All right. -Byeee! 65 00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:14,023 Don't waste those. 66 00:05:15,024 --> 00:05:17,068 Five-five. This is it. 67 00:05:17,068 --> 00:05:18,569 - That's the one. -This is the one. 68 00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:20,029 - I can feel it. -All right. 69 00:05:23,908 --> 00:05:25,076 Yes! 70 00:05:52,854 --> 00:05:54,522 Identify yourself, soldier. 71 00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:58,067 Oh, uh, I'm Jack, the new intern. 72 00:05:58,901 --> 00:06:00,403 I'm just taking out the trash. 73 00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:01,863 - Don't we have a janitor? -You do. 74 00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:05,324 - Jerry. -Frank. 75 00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:08,369 Follow protocol. 76 00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,665 It's my first day. 77 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,086 Thanks for pitching in. 78 00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:50,912 - Screws up his equilibrium. -What's up, dildos? 79 00:06:50,912 --> 00:06:53,664 Hey there, Andrew. Sorry to be a Pokety Paul, 80 00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:54,957 but you wouldn't happen to have 81 00:06:54,957 --> 00:06:57,376 that money you owe me for the NCAA pool, do you? 82 00:06:57,376 --> 00:06:59,337 - Didn't I lose that thing? -It's not about that. 83 00:06:59,337 --> 00:07:01,756 It's about office fun. 84 00:07:01,756 --> 00:07:05,259 My cat's got a cleft palate, is allergic to some types of air. 85 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:06,719 - Hey, Mike. -Fuck off! 86 00:07:06,719 --> 00:07:09,138 All right. A little early for that kind of language, 87 00:07:09,138 --> 00:07:11,474 but tomorrow works for me too, buddy. 88 00:07:11,474 --> 00:07:13,184 - All right, well, see you. -See you, Dave. 89 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,353 Real nice, guys. 90 00:07:15,937 --> 00:07:17,980 No one pays Dave, he's gonna stop running the pools. 91 00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:22,026 No, he's not. It's the only way anyone ever talks to the guy. 92 00:07:22,026 --> 00:07:23,361 Tim! 93 00:07:23,361 --> 00:07:26,113 I thought you were working on the Phallusite presentation. 94 00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:27,448 What's Phallusite? 95 00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:31,202 You kidding me? Have you guys done any work today? 96 00:07:31,202 --> 00:07:32,328 No. 97 00:07:33,663 --> 00:07:34,622 AMANDA: Hey, boys. 98 00:07:34,789 --> 00:07:36,332 ALL: Hey! 99 00:07:36,332 --> 00:07:40,002 Damn! For head of HR, you look fucking sexy. 100 00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:42,213 Too kind, too kind. 101 00:07:42,213 --> 00:07:45,424 - Mandy, can we please talk? -Don't call me Mandy. 102 00:07:48,803 --> 00:07:50,763 Andrew, how was your weekend? 103 00:07:50,930 --> 00:07:53,516 Uh, it was good. I banged my neighbor. 104 00:07:53,683 --> 00:07:55,309 Finally. All right! 105 00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:57,144 You're talking about the hot Ukrainian chick? 106 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,604 Uh, it was actually her mom. 107 00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:00,606 - That's decent. Proud of you. -Mandy. 108 00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:04,777 Please, can we talk privately? Just somewhere else. 109 00:08:04,944 --> 00:08:08,239 Why? This is a corporate break room. 110 00:08:08,239 --> 00:08:10,783 Since we just have a business relationship, 111 00:08:10,783 --> 00:08:13,953 then, whatever it is that you need to say to me, 112 00:08:13,953 --> 00:08:17,623 you can say in front of all of our business associates. 113 00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:18,833 Right? 114 00:08:19,709 --> 00:08:22,712 Okay, fine. All right. Look, what happened... What I... 115 00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:26,424 I should have said, okay, is that-- 116 00:08:26,424 --> 00:08:29,385 Hey, congratulations on that NCAA pool. 117 00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,888 Yeah, thanks. You know, I actually hate Duke, 118 00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:34,306 but they win, so... 119 00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:41,105 Well, uh... 120 00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:44,233 You guys have a great day. 121 00:08:45,443 --> 00:08:48,779 Except for you. Hope yours is a horrible piece of shit. 122 00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:52,158 - Well, not if yours isn't first. -Right. 123 00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:55,995 Hey, I don't want to overstep my bounds, 124 00:08:55,995 --> 00:08:58,164 but what the fuck! Jesus! 125 00:08:58,622 --> 00:08:59,915 I don't want to talk about it. 126 00:08:59,915 --> 00:09:03,169 Okay, that was just really uncomfortable, that was like-- 127 00:09:03,169 --> 00:09:05,421 I will. I know the story. I'll totally talk about it. 128 00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:12,053 So, they're together. Just the two of them, right? 129 00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:17,016 Evan. 130 00:09:18,809 --> 00:09:20,227 I love you. 131 00:09:22,438 --> 00:09:23,856 No. 132 00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:32,281 MIKE: How could you just say no? 133 00:09:32,281 --> 00:09:34,325 You could have said anything else, 134 00:09:34,325 --> 00:09:35,826 like literally anything. 135 00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:38,329 I can't even wrap my brain 136 00:09:38,329 --> 00:09:41,499 around the way, like, you would say no. 137 00:09:41,499 --> 00:09:43,459 Fire! This could have been the one time 138 00:09:43,459 --> 00:09:45,336 -you could have said fire. -No. 139 00:09:45,336 --> 00:09:47,338 Could've called her a bitch, that would have been better. 140 00:09:47,338 --> 00:09:49,298 - Just silence, just... -No. 141 00:09:49,298 --> 00:09:51,300 You could have spoken in tongues. 142 00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:54,386 You could have 143 00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:56,764 - Not even English. German! -Nein. 144 00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:59,642 I get it, okay. I get it. I understand. 145 00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:02,853 Yes, I screwed up. I understand that, okay? 146 00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:05,940 It just kind of came out, guys. I don't know what happened. 147 00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:08,359 I just screwed up. 148 00:10:08,359 --> 00:10:09,652 You did screw up, man. 149 00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:12,613 She is the coolest girl ever. 150 00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:16,117 I mean, remember when she kicked all of our asses at paintball? 151 00:10:16,117 --> 00:10:19,662 Why did she have all that camo on her face? Unreal. 152 00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:21,872 Honestly, I bet dating her is like dating a guy. 153 00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:26,460 Who is like a hot chick that has a, you know, like a penis. 154 00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:29,755 So, not a girl? 155 00:10:30,965 --> 00:10:33,634 No, still a girl. Did you not listen to what I just said? 156 00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:36,095 - All right. -No, it's a hot girl 157 00:10:36,095 --> 00:10:38,389 with a beautiful penis but she's still... 158 00:10:38,389 --> 00:10:39,640 She's still a chick. 159 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,225 She just has guy parts. 160 00:10:41,225 --> 00:10:43,644 - I-I get where you're going. -It's a feminine penis. 161 00:10:44,562 --> 00:10:46,730 What if it was a guy with a vagina? 162 00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:48,440 He makes a good point. 163 00:10:51,110 --> 00:10:52,778 - I'm an idiot. -Yeah. 164 00:10:52,778 --> 00:10:53,988 Yeah. 165 00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:59,326 You know, you and me, a couple of margaritas. 166 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,371 That is so offensive. 167 00:11:02,371 --> 00:11:03,914 Why? That isn't racist. 168 00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:06,041 I know it's not racist. I like margaritas. 169 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:08,586 I'm just offended that you think I would date you. 170 00:11:10,254 --> 00:11:13,215 Has anyone seen Andrew? Andrew! 171 00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:15,676 Hey, Andrew, could you please get your phone? 172 00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,011 It's ringing off the hook, man. 173 00:11:17,011 --> 00:11:19,638 Oh, probably one of my 174 00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:23,225 man-like 15 female suitors. 175 00:11:23,225 --> 00:11:25,269 Your suitors are man-like? 176 00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:27,438 No, no, no. I mean, man-like man! 177 00:11:27,438 --> 00:11:31,775 Not man like man-like. You know, man like man-- 178 00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,611 Stop saying "man-like." 179 00:11:33,611 --> 00:11:36,572 Could you get your phone? It's probably a sales call. 180 00:11:36,572 --> 00:11:38,949 Probably a business-related sales call. 181 00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:42,369 I'll give you the business-related later. 182 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,372 I'll talk to him, okay? 183 00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:49,210 Uh, I heard what happened with you and Amanda breaking up. 184 00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:52,296 Oh, you heard about that? 185 00:11:52,296 --> 00:11:54,173 Yeah, well, she's the head of HR, 186 00:11:54,173 --> 00:11:56,258 and she put out a memo. 187 00:12:01,013 --> 00:12:02,765 - Um, I-I-- -All right. 188 00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:04,975 Andrew, get the phone! 189 00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:09,021 - Evan. Can I bend your ear? -Yeah. Hey. 190 00:12:09,188 --> 00:12:10,731 How's the presentation coming? 191 00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,107 You're gonna be ready by Friday? 192 00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:15,444 Yeah, Friday. Yeah, sure, Ted. Yeah. 193 00:12:15,444 --> 00:12:17,279 Yeah, we need this account, Evan. 194 00:12:17,279 --> 00:12:18,739 Sales have been bad, 195 00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:22,701 but if we land this fish, you'll save all our asses. 196 00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:23,786 Yeah. 197 00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:24,995 I know male enhancement 198 00:12:24,995 --> 00:12:27,706 isn't the most glamorous product in the world but... 199 00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:31,418 No. My sources tell me it works actually. 200 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,962 Tell me if you need anything, 201 00:12:32,962 --> 00:12:35,005 'cause it's all hands on deck on this one. 202 00:12:35,005 --> 00:12:36,548 Yeah. 203 00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:39,051 I'm making a pretty big announcement today 204 00:12:39,218 --> 00:12:41,720 about the next phase of our company's future. 205 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,265 I need to know you're gonna be a team player, 206 00:12:44,265 --> 00:12:45,683 no matter what. 207 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:50,229 Yeah. Yeah, Ted. You can count on me. 208 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,148 My office, 10 minutes. 209 00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:54,233 All right. 210 00:13:10,249 --> 00:13:11,959 Hey, guys. Guys, guess what? 211 00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:13,544 I think Ted's gonna make me sales manager. 212 00:13:13,544 --> 00:13:15,546 ALL: Oh! 213 00:13:15,546 --> 00:13:17,506 Bam! Snap! 214 00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:19,300 What? 215 00:13:21,135 --> 00:13:24,596 Bam, snap. It's like, a new catchphrase I'm trying. 216 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,683 - Yeah, it's not really working. -It's a work in progress. 217 00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:30,394 - I love it. -Thank you, Mike. 218 00:13:30,394 --> 00:13:31,729 Yeah, yeah, yeah! 219 00:13:31,729 --> 00:13:33,355 I'm still working on the inflection but... 220 00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:35,107 - Ted's office in 10. -It's a catchphrase. 221 00:13:35,274 --> 00:13:36,859 I feel like everyone needs one in the office. 222 00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:38,569 - That's why... -Yeah, it's good though. 223 00:13:38,569 --> 00:13:42,031 Yeah. We really need to start bringing fruit into this. 224 00:13:42,031 --> 00:13:43,532 - We can eat it. -I'm not ready for fruit. 225 00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:52,207 Hey, Amanda. Mandy. Amanda. 226 00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:54,376 Uh, sorry. Sorry to bother you, 227 00:13:54,376 --> 00:13:56,545 but Ted wants everyone in his office. 228 00:13:57,421 --> 00:14:00,716 He's got an announcement to make, I guess. 229 00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:02,468 - Okay, got it. -Okay. 230 00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:08,015 I think he's gonna make me sales manager. 231 00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,850 - Is that so? -Yeah. 232 00:14:10,476 --> 00:14:12,019 Finally get that promotion. 233 00:14:13,479 --> 00:14:15,731 It's kinda crazy. I can't believe it. 234 00:14:15,731 --> 00:14:18,567 It is so adult. Manager, you know? 235 00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:20,986 I feel like it was just, you know, 236 00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:24,615 yesterday when we were kids, just laughing 237 00:14:24,615 --> 00:14:27,534 and just saying stupid stuff. 238 00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:32,414 And now, we're looking after the kids. 239 00:14:33,457 --> 00:14:36,710 Right? You know, I was listening to NPR this morning. 240 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,879 They were talking about the monogamy of gibbons, 241 00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:42,800 and it's just the cutest thing I've ever seen. 242 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:45,177 Or heard. It was on the radio, 243 00:14:45,344 --> 00:14:47,846 but they had these sound bites, you know? They're 244 00:14:48,472 --> 00:14:52,184 a little chirping, you know. These sweet monkey nothings-- 245 00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:53,977 Evan. I have some things to do. 246 00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:56,855 - So if you'll excuse me. -Yeah, I'm gonna... Okay. 247 00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:59,608 - Uh, check in five. -Right. 248 00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:09,493 So, I'm sorry to say without major improvements, 249 00:15:09,493 --> 00:15:11,203 we're gonna have to start laying some people off. 250 00:15:11,370 --> 00:15:12,538 Mike! 251 00:15:13,789 --> 00:15:15,332 It's time for a change. 252 00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:21,004 Corporate thinks we need an official sales manager again. 253 00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:24,007 And I couldn't agree more. 254 00:15:24,007 --> 00:15:27,928 So I'm proud to announce our new manager of sales, 255 00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:29,346 Max Phillips. 256 00:15:31,807 --> 00:15:34,893 - No, no, no. Not Max. -Who the hell is Max? 257 00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:36,145 What the hell is going on right now? 258 00:15:36,145 --> 00:15:38,147 Max, Evan and I went to college together. 259 00:15:38,147 --> 00:15:39,148 It's kind of a long story. 260 00:15:39,523 --> 00:15:41,233 - Hey, Evan. - Sup? 261 00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:43,652 - That wasn't a long story. -No. 262 00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:47,322 Oh, did I mention that Max slept with Evan's girlfriend, 263 00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:49,616 so Evan had Max kicked out of school for cheating, 264 00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,368 so Max punched Evan in the face? 265 00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:53,871 No. You skipped all that. 266 00:15:53,871 --> 00:15:55,372 Question. 267 00:15:56,415 --> 00:15:58,000 - What do we sell here? -Shake weights. 268 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,043 - Power mustaches. -The Abinatrix. 269 00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:02,754 No, Michael. We sell dreams. 270 00:16:02,754 --> 00:16:03,839 He knows my name. 271 00:16:03,839 --> 00:16:07,009 Sales is... seduction. 272 00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,679 And when you seduce, 273 00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:13,098 do you say, "I have a 401k"? 274 00:16:13,098 --> 00:16:15,142 Or "I floss"? No. 275 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:17,436 You say... 276 00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,064 "I love you." 277 00:16:25,319 --> 00:16:27,738 Because people make decisions from the heart. 278 00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:29,865 If you wanna sell a bunch of useless crap 279 00:16:29,865 --> 00:16:31,992 to fat losers in Alabama 280 00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,703 and bored housewives in Iowa, 281 00:16:34,703 --> 00:16:36,955 feed their dreams. 282 00:16:37,623 --> 00:16:38,957 Convince them. 283 00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:43,420 Their lives can transcend the pointless slog of being human. 284 00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:47,549 Give them hope, open their eyes 285 00:16:47,549 --> 00:16:51,637 to something... bigger. 286 00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:57,309 Sink your teeth into their poor pathetic lives. 287 00:16:58,602 --> 00:17:00,604 And give them life. 288 00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:04,107 And better abs. 289 00:17:04,942 --> 00:17:08,779 Our goal for this month is... 290 00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:12,491 one million dollars in sales. 291 00:17:12,908 --> 00:17:15,077 It's aggressive, yes, 292 00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:17,204 but I'm confident we can hit it. 293 00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:22,334 And if we don't, Ted and I have already agreed... 294 00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:26,046 we'll be forced to kill all of you. 295 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,383 So you better do what he says. 296 00:17:31,927 --> 00:17:34,805 So, come on, let's get out there and get selling. 297 00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:38,934 - What the hell, Ted? -Now, hold on a minute. 298 00:17:39,393 --> 00:17:41,061 No one ever promised you that job. 299 00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:44,856 Oh, yeah, I-I know, but Max Phillips? 300 00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:47,609 He's got an MBA. He's got a great track record. 301 00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:49,069 He comes highly recommended. 302 00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:52,155 He has some very interesting ideas for new hires. 303 00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:54,616 Honestly, we're lucky to have him. 304 00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:59,371 How did you... Of all... 305 00:17:59,538 --> 00:18:01,665 Now, this isn't gonna be a problem, now, is it? 306 00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:05,627 - You working for Max? -No. No! 307 00:18:05,627 --> 00:18:07,087 Of course not, I just... 308 00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:09,673 I would have liked a legitimate crack at the job 309 00:18:09,673 --> 00:18:12,342 before you brought in someone else. 310 00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:18,599 Look. I like you, Evan. I really do. 311 00:18:18,599 --> 00:18:21,143 I mean, you show up for work on time. 312 00:18:21,310 --> 00:18:22,728 You work hard. 313 00:18:22,728 --> 00:18:24,688 You legitimately give a shit. 314 00:18:24,688 --> 00:18:26,732 Thank you. I do! 315 00:18:26,732 --> 00:18:28,358 It's like I used to tell the bench players 316 00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:29,651 back when I coached football, 317 00:18:29,651 --> 00:18:31,445 "The most important people in the team 318 00:18:31,445 --> 00:18:33,655 "are the ones who make the starters try." 319 00:18:34,406 --> 00:18:36,658 Now, you get out there. There you go. 320 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,463 Thank you, Jerry. 321 00:18:51,048 --> 00:18:53,050 Those are the employee files I requested? 322 00:18:53,050 --> 00:18:55,844 Oh, yes, I think so. 323 00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:58,013 It might be helpful if you were a little more specific 324 00:18:58,013 --> 00:18:59,931 about exactly what it is you're looking for. 325 00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:04,603 Listen, Amanda, I know you and Evan have a history, 326 00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:06,813 and I know that you care about him. 327 00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:11,360 Uh... I'm the head of HR. 328 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:14,821 So, it's highly inappropriate for me to discuss this-- 329 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,490 Sure, sure, sure. I'll tell you what. 330 00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:21,953 After I settle in, you and I can 331 00:19:21,953 --> 00:19:24,456 schedule some one-on-one and get to know each other. 332 00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:26,875 Yeah, that sounds nice. 333 00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:30,462 - Hey, buddy. -Um... 334 00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:32,923 Just a little HR talk. Thanks, Mandy. 335 00:19:32,923 --> 00:19:34,966 - We'll circle... -Hey, that's my... 336 00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:36,677 Where are you taking Fuzz Aldrin? 337 00:19:40,389 --> 00:19:42,724 Fuzz Aldrin, the janitor has... Why? 338 00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:44,393 Long time no see. Am I right? 339 00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:53,110 Listen, Evan. I know you and I had a little falling out. 340 00:19:53,110 --> 00:19:55,779 But as far as I'm concerned, 341 00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:57,364 water under the bridge. 342 00:19:58,323 --> 00:19:59,991 - Ancient history. -Okay, good-- 343 00:19:59,991 --> 00:20:01,493 It's all about the company now, right? 344 00:20:01,660 --> 00:20:03,453 - Wait-- -I knew I could count on you. 345 00:20:04,663 --> 00:20:05,747 This is mine- 346 00:20:05,747 --> 00:20:08,583 MIKE: Boom shaka laka. Who's the noob now, bitch? 347 00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:10,877 Oh, now you wanna be a little kid. 348 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,171 Okay. Well, you can cry all night long 349 00:20:13,171 --> 00:20:15,590 'cause you just got your ass whupped by a grownup 350 00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:17,008 with a big-ass dick. 351 00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:21,054 I'm gonna kill you. 352 00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:38,155 Yeah. 353 00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:41,950 Yeah. No, I'mma fuck you up. I'm gonna fuck... 354 00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:44,244 you up. 355 00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:47,456 Yeah, I see you. Fuckin' eat that shit. 356 00:20:48,457 --> 00:20:49,916 Hey. 357 00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:55,422 Jesus, man! You gotta fucking warn someone before you do that. 358 00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:56,798 Office hours are over. 359 00:20:57,048 --> 00:20:59,760 Yeah, well, high-speed internet's free, 360 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,845 and Elaine left her Souplantation in the fridge. 361 00:21:01,845 --> 00:21:05,056 So, velvet rope off this motherfucker right here 362 00:21:05,223 --> 00:21:07,851 because this is gonna be my own personal club tonight. 363 00:21:07,851 --> 00:21:09,561 - Okay. -Oh. 364 00:21:09,728 --> 00:21:11,396 And I'm gonna be dialing up some Youjizz 365 00:21:11,396 --> 00:21:13,565 and busting out some knuckle children in a couple of minutes 366 00:21:13,565 --> 00:21:16,401 so unless you wanna mop me up here and here 367 00:21:16,401 --> 00:21:18,570 and here and a little bit here 368 00:21:18,737 --> 00:21:20,489 -and some over here-- -I'll go take a smoke break. 369 00:21:24,826 --> 00:21:27,078 Oh, yeah, I'm back. Oh, are the tears back? 370 00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:29,998 Good. Yeah, take that. 371 00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:33,460 Oh. Oh-ho. I hear the tears already coming. 372 00:21:41,092 --> 00:21:42,344 What the shit? 373 00:21:44,262 --> 00:21:45,972 I'm gonna go take a dump now. 374 00:21:47,599 --> 00:21:49,810 If anyone wanna steal something from this company, 375 00:21:49,810 --> 00:21:52,521 I'd be gone way too long to do anything about it. 376 00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:24,469 Ha. 377 00:22:24,886 --> 00:22:27,013 Hilarious, man. 378 00:22:27,973 --> 00:22:30,809 Turning the lights out on the guy in the shitter, man. 379 00:22:32,185 --> 00:22:34,646 You must be some kind of a prank savant, right? 380 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:46,157 All right, man. Whoever's doing this better knock it off. 381 00:23:21,026 --> 00:23:22,277 Colonel Sanders. 382 00:23:22,444 --> 00:23:24,946 Still hilarious. Hey, is Mike here already? 383 00:23:24,946 --> 00:23:27,407 - His car is in the garage. -That's a negative, sir. 384 00:23:27,407 --> 00:23:29,409 - Do you know who Mike is? -That's a negative, sir. 385 00:23:29,409 --> 00:23:30,660 How do you know he's not here? 386 00:23:30,660 --> 00:23:32,203 I unlocked the doors myself at 0600, 387 00:23:32,203 --> 00:23:34,456 and no unfamiliars have penetrated my perimeter, 388 00:23:34,456 --> 00:23:35,624 I've been on full alert. 389 00:23:38,919 --> 00:23:41,046 So, full alert, huh? 390 00:23:44,466 --> 00:23:46,384 I believe I know this cat, sir. 391 00:23:51,348 --> 00:23:55,852 Okay, uh, at ease or carry on. 392 00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:07,072 Nah, I must be dreaming. 393 00:24:08,198 --> 00:24:11,159 Max called me at 6 a.m. this morning to come in early. 394 00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:15,747 I haven't been up before dawn since straight is great camp 395 00:24:16,289 --> 00:24:17,248 What? 396 00:24:17,415 --> 00:24:19,793 I wasn't gay. They just had a really good archery program. 397 00:24:20,210 --> 00:24:21,836 All right. So you've told me. 398 00:24:21,836 --> 00:24:23,755 This situation sucks, dude. 399 00:24:24,255 --> 00:24:26,132 I mean, we gotta do something about this, right? 400 00:24:26,132 --> 00:24:28,218 I mean, can you believe how much they've screwed us here? 401 00:24:28,218 --> 00:24:29,386 Us? 402 00:24:29,386 --> 00:24:32,555 Yeah. I mean, I was all ready for you to become sales manager. 403 00:24:32,931 --> 00:24:34,307 I wanted that for you, man. 404 00:24:34,307 --> 00:24:37,143 'Cause what's better than having your best friend as your boss? 405 00:24:37,143 --> 00:24:38,520 - Yeah. -Now then... 406 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,355 I mean, I would have gotten away with everything. 407 00:24:41,064 --> 00:24:42,315 But now... 408 00:24:44,275 --> 00:24:45,777 I mean, you get me, man. 409 00:24:46,319 --> 00:24:50,198 You know? You allow me to be me in the workplace. 410 00:24:50,198 --> 00:24:51,866 - Useless slacker. -Exactly. 411 00:24:51,866 --> 00:24:53,660 - Worthless. -Yeah. 412 00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:55,954 - Gotta have one. -I mean, look at me, man. 413 00:24:56,955 --> 00:24:57,956 Look at me. 414 00:25:00,500 --> 00:25:03,670 My perfect routine is broken. 415 00:25:05,171 --> 00:25:07,966 Yeah, you, you are the real victim here. 416 00:25:09,342 --> 00:25:10,343 I know. 417 00:25:11,136 --> 00:25:14,514 But hey, man. You got hosed too, kinda. 418 00:25:15,473 --> 00:25:16,558 Oh. 419 00:25:17,225 --> 00:25:18,560 By the way... 420 00:25:24,524 --> 00:25:25,775 No. 421 00:25:25,775 --> 00:25:30,238 No. You gotta be fucking kidding me. This is my desk now? 422 00:25:30,238 --> 00:25:33,867 Well, officially, it's still a photoprinter's desk. 423 00:25:35,326 --> 00:25:36,870 But you can share it. 424 00:25:40,165 --> 00:25:41,499 Do I get a chair? 425 00:25:53,094 --> 00:25:56,056 Holy fucking shit! 426 00:25:59,184 --> 00:26:01,561 We're gonna get this place lean and mean, Theodore. 427 00:26:01,561 --> 00:26:03,521 We are gonna separate the meat from the tallow. 428 00:26:03,688 --> 00:26:05,273 We're going- 429 00:26:05,273 --> 00:26:06,483 Mike is dead. 430 00:26:07,233 --> 00:26:09,694 - Mike is fucking dead! -What? 431 00:26:09,861 --> 00:26:11,654 Mike is dead in the fucking bathroom. 432 00:26:11,654 --> 00:26:13,740 I went in there, and someone ate his... 433 00:26:13,740 --> 00:26:16,493 I don't know. I just had to go. I just needed to go. 434 00:26:16,493 --> 00:26:19,037 Jesus Christ, I'll never take a shit again. 435 00:26:19,204 --> 00:26:22,123 Evan, Evan, slow down. What's up now? 436 00:26:23,124 --> 00:26:24,125 Mike... 437 00:26:25,335 --> 00:26:27,879 Eaten... Dead... 438 00:26:27,879 --> 00:26:29,339 The bathroom. 439 00:26:30,090 --> 00:26:31,382 Ted, call security. 440 00:26:32,592 --> 00:26:34,260 I still have to go. 441 00:26:36,596 --> 00:26:38,640 - Hey, Frank , we have to have-- -Code one emergency. 442 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:42,227 The forty dollars you owe me for the NCAA tournament pool. 443 00:26:43,103 --> 00:26:46,314 I'd join ya, but I gotta get these papers. 444 00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:47,982 Wait! Wait, wait, wait. 445 00:26:47,982 --> 00:26:49,651 Don't open the door. 446 00:26:49,651 --> 00:26:53,279 I'm-I'm sorry. I just, I need to warn you. 447 00:26:53,279 --> 00:26:56,407 I hope you all have strong stomachs. 448 00:26:56,991 --> 00:26:58,576 Oh, boy. 449 00:26:58,576 --> 00:27:01,162 That's disgusting. I'll clean it again. It's-- 450 00:27:02,497 --> 00:27:04,165 What? No . 451 00:27:05,125 --> 00:27:08,670 No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I_IIII 452 00:27:09,420 --> 00:27:13,883 I am telling you, this stall was a fucking horror show. 453 00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:15,885 Evan, this isn't some way 454 00:27:15,885 --> 00:27:18,346 of stalling on the Phallusite presentation, is it? 455 00:27:18,346 --> 00:27:22,392 - The what? What? -The Phallusite presentation. 456 00:27:22,392 --> 00:27:24,102 It's tomorrow. If you're not ready-- 457 00:27:24,102 --> 00:27:25,854 No, no. I just... I-I... 458 00:27:25,854 --> 00:27:28,398 I'm not, I'm not ready yet, all right? I'm not... 459 00:27:28,565 --> 00:27:30,650 It will be ready, okay? It will... 460 00:27:32,026 --> 00:27:34,237 - Mike! -I'll deal with Mike 461 00:27:34,237 --> 00:27:36,573 whenever he decides to roll in to work today. 462 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,200 You just keep your eye on the ball, huh? 463 00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:40,618 We're counting on you, slugger. 464 00:27:47,834 --> 00:27:52,130 No. No. What the fuck! 465 00:27:58,761 --> 00:27:59,971 Permission to speak freely. 466 00:27:59,971 --> 00:28:03,349 Jesus Christ, Frank. Can we drop the whole chain of command bit? 467 00:28:03,349 --> 00:28:05,977 I'm just not in the mood. 468 00:28:06,561 --> 00:28:09,480 You were right. Someone drew first blood. 469 00:28:19,908 --> 00:28:21,910 I need to talk to you. 470 00:28:21,910 --> 00:28:24,913 Evan, if this is about us, I just can't at work. I have-- 471 00:28:24,913 --> 00:28:26,623 Mike is dead. 472 00:28:26,623 --> 00:28:27,624 What? 473 00:28:28,249 --> 00:28:30,877 I found him in the men's room. He was propped up in the stall 474 00:28:30,877 --> 00:28:33,254 like some fucked up marionette. 475 00:28:33,254 --> 00:28:36,174 There was blood everywhere. And then I went to get help, 476 00:28:36,174 --> 00:28:37,634 and he was gone. 477 00:28:39,469 --> 00:28:42,305 Oh, my God. I can't believe you're doing this right now. 478 00:28:42,305 --> 00:28:45,892 Doing what? Mike was dead in the bathroom. 479 00:28:45,892 --> 00:28:47,435 Did anyone else see the body? 480 00:28:47,435 --> 00:28:50,355 Well, no. I-I-I went to get help 481 00:28:50,355 --> 00:28:51,856 and then when I came back, he was gone. 482 00:28:51,856 --> 00:28:55,193 Jesus! Evan, he's fucking with you. It's Mike. 483 00:28:55,193 --> 00:28:56,819 He's probably doing it as a joke. 484 00:28:56,819 --> 00:28:58,947 Let's not forget he's a complete asshole, okay? 485 00:29:00,406 --> 00:29:04,077 Yeah, he is kind of an asshole, but I-I-I don't know. 486 00:29:04,077 --> 00:29:06,871 - This looked pretty real. -Okay. 487 00:29:06,871 --> 00:29:10,458 All right, let's, uh, let's consider the possibilities then. 488 00:29:10,458 --> 00:29:13,378 Option one, somebody murdered Mike, 489 00:29:13,378 --> 00:29:15,046 left him in the bathroom and then moved 490 00:29:15,213 --> 00:29:16,965 the body when you went to get help. 491 00:29:16,965 --> 00:29:18,591 Well, when you put it that way-- 492 00:29:18,591 --> 00:29:22,720 Or option two is that the most obnoxious prick in the office 493 00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:26,015 who would rather do anything other than actually work, 494 00:29:26,015 --> 00:29:27,433 played a practical joke on you. 495 00:29:28,643 --> 00:29:30,144 Okay, now I'm gonna kill him. 496 00:29:30,144 --> 00:29:32,021 Yeah, well, you've got bigger fish to fry. 497 00:29:33,231 --> 00:29:35,149 Okay, Max is cleaning house. 498 00:29:35,149 --> 00:29:37,443 Mike was probably getting fired even before the first stunt. 499 00:29:41,155 --> 00:29:43,533 I have to nail that presentation. 500 00:29:43,533 --> 00:29:44,575 Yeah. 501 00:29:48,621 --> 00:29:50,915 Thank you. Thank you. 502 00:29:51,416 --> 00:29:52,959 - Hup, hup, hup, hup. -Hup, hup, hup, hup. 503 00:29:52,959 --> 00:29:54,377 Don't you two have some work to do? 504 00:29:54,377 --> 00:29:55,545 - Not really. -Not really. 505 00:29:55,545 --> 00:29:57,630 - Hup, hup, hup, hup. -Hup, hup, hup, hup. 506 00:30:00,383 --> 00:30:01,968 - Dave, right? -Yeah. 507 00:30:01,968 --> 00:30:04,178 I hear you're the guy to talk to about office pools. 508 00:30:04,178 --> 00:30:06,097 - Yeah. -Company sports czar. 509 00:30:06,097 --> 00:30:07,932 It's so weird. I have to try to get people 510 00:30:07,932 --> 00:30:09,309 -to call me that around here. -Oh, yeah? 511 00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:12,061 I should probably quit though. My cat, Puddles, he 512 00:30:12,270 --> 00:30:14,105 gets really jealous when I spend too much time on, 513 00:30:14,272 --> 00:30:15,523 his diabetes is acting up. 514 00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:17,025 Oh, nonsense. 515 00:30:17,025 --> 00:30:19,152 Morale is vital to the health of any company. 516 00:30:20,194 --> 00:30:22,113 And you make an important contribution. 517 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,532 Let's pop into my man-cave, and you can give me the Vegas tips 518 00:30:24,532 --> 00:30:27,452 on the NBA playoffs and dirt on upcoming events, you know? 519 00:30:27,452 --> 00:30:28,494 Don't hit me. 520 00:30:29,329 --> 00:30:30,413 Man stuff, all right. 521 00:30:30,413 --> 00:30:31,539 - All right. -Come on. 522 00:30:31,539 --> 00:30:33,750 I got all sorts of ideas for other office pools. 523 00:30:33,750 --> 00:30:37,128 Competitive curling, fantasy fishing, ant bite... 524 00:30:37,128 --> 00:30:43,593 - Hup, hup, hup, hup. -Hup, hup, hup, hup. 525 00:30:43,593 --> 00:30:44,719 Dude, the record. 526 00:30:45,553 --> 00:30:46,596 What's up, man. You all right? 527 00:30:48,139 --> 00:30:49,182 I... 528 00:30:49,932 --> 00:30:51,684 I don't know. I don't know. 529 00:30:52,977 --> 00:30:56,272 Right now, I'm just trying to avoid getting fired. 530 00:30:57,106 --> 00:30:59,150 That's smart. That's a good plan. 531 00:30:59,317 --> 00:31:01,194 - Welcome to the club, right? -Right. 532 00:31:01,194 --> 00:31:03,529 - Hup, hup, hup, hup. -Hup, hup, hup, hup. 533 00:31:03,529 --> 00:31:04,655 - Hup, hup, I'll-ID" -Hup, hup, I'll-ID" 534 00:31:10,036 --> 00:31:13,164 I want my $20 for the NCAA tournament pool. 535 00:31:13,164 --> 00:31:15,958 - I told you, man. I... -No excuses! 536 00:31:15,958 --> 00:31:17,543 You gambled, you lost. 537 00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:19,587 Now pay for your failures. 538 00:31:20,088 --> 00:31:21,547 You need to chill out, Brian. 539 00:31:21,547 --> 00:31:25,551 I will chill when I have your $20 as well, Tim. 540 00:31:25,551 --> 00:31:28,805 You have until 5 o'clock. Don't make me come find you. 541 00:31:29,347 --> 00:31:33,017 Evan, thank you for your thoughtful and prompt payment. 542 00:31:33,017 --> 00:31:34,560 It shall not be forgotten. 543 00:31:36,437 --> 00:31:37,480 I... 544 00:31:40,733 --> 00:31:42,443 What the fuck was that? 545 00:31:42,443 --> 00:31:44,195 I didn't even enter that pool. 546 00:31:44,195 --> 00:31:48,282 Ah, shit. Mike's computer's password protected. 547 00:31:48,282 --> 00:31:49,492 That's probably a good thing. 548 00:31:49,492 --> 00:31:51,160 There's an insane amount of porn on that. 549 00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:52,161 Uh... 550 00:31:52,995 --> 00:31:55,039 How the hell am I gonna get those sales figures? 551 00:31:55,039 --> 00:31:57,834 You mean, you want all the numbers, like... 552 00:31:57,834 --> 00:32:00,211 Yeah, yeah. The spreadsheets are on Mike's computer 553 00:32:00,378 --> 00:32:01,879 and that's locked, so- 554 00:32:01,879 --> 00:32:03,089 Oh, you don't have the password? 555 00:32:03,089 --> 00:32:05,842 No, no. You know, I don't wanna know the password, 556 00:32:05,842 --> 00:32:08,678 so I'm gonna have to rebuild the excel files from scratch. 557 00:32:08,678 --> 00:32:11,139 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can totally help, you know. 558 00:32:11,139 --> 00:32:12,932 Especially after what Ted did to you. 559 00:32:12,932 --> 00:32:14,475 That was just so horrible. 560 00:32:14,475 --> 00:32:16,602 I know. Right? Yeah. 561 00:32:16,602 --> 00:32:18,062 You must be having such a horrible day. 562 00:32:18,229 --> 00:32:19,564 So you think you can help me out? 563 00:32:19,564 --> 00:32:21,107 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 564 00:32:21,107 --> 00:32:24,402 I could totally go down to the basement, and, um... 565 00:32:24,402 --> 00:32:26,612 -grab the files for you. -That's great. 566 00:32:26,612 --> 00:32:30,032 You're a lifesaver, Zabs. Go-go do that, and then we'll talk. 567 00:32:30,032 --> 00:32:31,909 - Okay - Okay. Bye-DYE- 568 00:32:31,909 --> 00:32:33,453 Bye. Run along. 569 00:32:33,453 --> 00:32:34,954 - Hup, hup, hup, hup. -Hup, hup, hup, hup. 570 00:32:34,954 --> 00:32:36,414 - Hup, hup, hUP- -Hup, hup, hUP- 571 00:32:37,582 --> 00:32:39,041 - God. -MAN: Little help. 572 00:32:43,421 --> 00:32:44,797 Really? Uh... 573 00:32:45,798 --> 00:32:46,966 Oh! 574 00:32:57,268 --> 00:32:58,561 Ev- Evan? 575 00:33:01,439 --> 00:33:03,232 Okay. 576 00:33:06,027 --> 00:33:07,487 Oh, shit. 577 00:33:07,487 --> 00:33:09,280 I just got this skirt. 578 00:33:10,072 --> 00:33:11,199 Come on. 579 00:33:16,078 --> 00:33:18,331 Please, it's not the world. It's just one night. 580 00:33:18,331 --> 00:33:19,457 I have kick ball. 581 00:33:19,457 --> 00:33:20,750 And you're starting pitcher tonight. 582 00:33:20,750 --> 00:33:22,585 I'm on that team. I never get to go. 583 00:33:22,585 --> 00:33:24,587 - He's terrible. -God damn, Tim! 584 00:33:24,587 --> 00:33:26,214 All right. Wh-what do I get if I stay? 585 00:33:26,214 --> 00:33:27,673 My undying gratitude. 586 00:33:27,673 --> 00:33:29,675 The respect and admiration of your peers. 587 00:33:29,675 --> 00:33:31,344 - It's not me. - Come on, man. 588 00:33:31,344 --> 00:33:33,471 - Something valuable. - Precious gems. 589 00:33:34,013 --> 00:33:35,181 Straight-up cash. 590 00:33:35,181 --> 00:33:36,933 If we land the account, all the Phallusite 591 00:33:36,933 --> 00:33:38,184 you'll ever need, free. 592 00:33:38,726 --> 00:33:41,562 - No. - Yes. 593 00:33:41,562 --> 00:33:43,022 - You should be in sales. - Yes! 594 00:33:44,607 --> 00:33:45,733 Why do you care? I... 595 00:33:46,275 --> 00:33:48,736 I don't suppose I should even bother to ask you. 596 00:33:49,529 --> 00:33:52,490 Oh, I can't tonight. I've got Kelly Clarkson tickets. 597 00:33:52,490 --> 00:33:53,991 Oh, you had been talking about that. 598 00:33:53,991 --> 00:33:55,117 - Yeah. - All right. 599 00:33:55,117 --> 00:33:57,286 I like that Walk Away song, though, I do. 600 00:33:58,037 --> 00:33:59,205 Boom! 601 00:33:59,372 --> 00:34:01,707 Nuh! Aww, man! 602 00:34:02,792 --> 00:34:04,377 There goes all the burritos. 603 00:34:04,919 --> 00:34:06,796 This is a conventional oven, right? 604 00:34:07,213 --> 00:34:08,673 Well, you know, 605 00:34:08,673 --> 00:34:11,926 microwaving is a pretty inexact science, Tim, so... 606 00:34:13,177 --> 00:34:16,055 You know what? Can I be blunt? 607 00:34:17,014 --> 00:34:18,349 As opposed to how you normally are? 608 00:34:18,516 --> 00:34:20,476 So how long are you planning on punishing Evan? 609 00:34:22,186 --> 00:34:25,356 Jesus, Tim. I am not talking to you about this right now. 610 00:34:25,356 --> 00:34:27,149 Yes, you are, Mandy. Damn it. 611 00:34:27,149 --> 00:34:29,318 We are gonna have this conversation right now. 612 00:34:29,318 --> 00:34:31,862 Because, you know what? Evan is a good guy. 613 00:34:31,862 --> 00:34:34,323 You know it. I know it. All right. 614 00:34:34,323 --> 00:34:36,534 So he made one mistake. 615 00:34:36,534 --> 00:34:38,411 - He's human. - Yeah, well... 616 00:34:38,411 --> 00:34:39,954 It was a pretty big mistake, Tim. 617 00:34:40,788 --> 00:34:42,331 What do you want me to say? 618 00:34:43,249 --> 00:34:46,586 Okay, yeah. Evan hurt my feelings. 619 00:34:47,420 --> 00:34:48,546 A lot. 620 00:34:50,172 --> 00:34:53,593 Yeah, I guess that's exactly what I wanted you to say. 621 00:34:54,552 --> 00:34:55,553 You said it. 622 00:34:55,803 --> 00:34:56,971 Well, yeah. 623 00:34:56,971 --> 00:35:00,808 Look, I'm not trying to pile on to you emotionally, 624 00:35:00,808 --> 00:35:01,934 Right. 625 00:35:01,934 --> 00:35:03,269 But look, we all think you're awesome. 626 00:35:03,269 --> 00:35:06,022 Yup, yup. Awesome Amanda. 627 00:35:06,022 --> 00:35:07,940 Dating me is like dating a dude. 628 00:35:07,940 --> 00:35:10,276 - It's really great. - Never heard anyone say that. 629 00:35:13,404 --> 00:35:17,408 It's not like I was expecting a fucking proposal, okay? 630 00:35:18,117 --> 00:35:21,203 And this may not have occurred to you, but it was actually 631 00:35:21,203 --> 00:35:23,539 really difficult for me to even say 632 00:35:24,874 --> 00:35:26,375 the "L" word, 633 00:35:26,375 --> 00:35:29,962 and please, do not make a lesbian joke right now. 634 00:35:29,962 --> 00:35:31,797 That seems inappropriate. I wouldn't have done that. 635 00:35:31,797 --> 00:35:33,507 You always make lesbian jokes. 636 00:35:33,507 --> 00:35:35,176 Not in front of lesbians. 637 00:35:36,260 --> 00:35:39,597 Or women, you know, with lesbian haircuts. 638 00:35:39,597 --> 00:35:40,556 Look. 639 00:35:41,682 --> 00:35:44,435 I wasn't even expecting him to say it back right away. 640 00:35:44,602 --> 00:35:47,355 But Jesus, Tim. "No?" 641 00:35:48,189 --> 00:35:49,440 Oh, yeah. 642 00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:54,028 He said no. Like what kind of a response is that? 643 00:35:54,028 --> 00:35:56,280 - Not a positive one. -Yeah. 644 00:35:57,448 --> 00:35:58,449 It would have... 645 00:35:59,492 --> 00:36:02,411 It would have honestly hurt less if he just would have said 646 00:36:02,620 --> 00:36:03,913 nothing at all. 647 00:36:06,666 --> 00:36:07,917 Hey, Evan. 648 00:36:09,669 --> 00:36:11,796 TIM: Hmm, shit. 649 00:36:12,380 --> 00:36:15,633 Mandy is upset because I was using the microwave, 650 00:36:15,633 --> 00:36:18,219 and I just didn't understand how the buttons work, 651 00:36:18,219 --> 00:36:21,597 and I blew up my burrito, and it was, like, the fourth one. 652 00:36:22,473 --> 00:36:25,017 She wanted to microwave her salad, I think and... 653 00:36:26,185 --> 00:36:27,937 - We were talking about you. -Clearly. 654 00:36:28,479 --> 00:36:30,398 Amanda Baron. 655 00:36:30,398 --> 00:36:34,735 Your friends call you Mandy, but Amanda is better, stronger. 656 00:36:34,735 --> 00:36:39,365 A name with fingernails I can dig into a man's back. 657 00:36:40,032 --> 00:36:41,367 Um... 658 00:36:41,867 --> 00:36:44,453 interesting observation. 659 00:36:47,123 --> 00:36:49,667 You smell lust. 660 00:36:51,168 --> 00:36:53,671 I can hear your heart all broken. 661 00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:56,006 And wet. 662 00:36:56,674 --> 00:36:58,467 That's really weird, okay? 663 00:36:59,176 --> 00:37:00,845 Evan doesn't deserve you. 664 00:37:02,221 --> 00:37:04,432 Perhaps you just need a woman's touch. 665 00:37:06,475 --> 00:37:08,144 Shouldn't you be answering the phones? 666 00:37:11,313 --> 00:37:12,648 I like your dress. 667 00:37:19,739 --> 00:37:21,699 No money was ever transferred. 668 00:37:21,699 --> 00:37:24,243 You can't just give yourself a checkmark. 669 00:37:24,243 --> 00:37:26,746 I put a checkmark on the board. That's a sale, man. 670 00:37:34,378 --> 00:37:36,005 Tick-tack, motherfucker. 671 00:37:44,221 --> 00:37:47,224 Yes. Yes, you can borrow 20 bucks. 672 00:37:47,391 --> 00:37:48,434 Quick. 673 00:37:49,477 --> 00:37:52,897 So please, just give me your address and your e-mail 674 00:37:52,897 --> 00:37:55,941 and your Social Security, and I'll send it out. 675 00:37:57,735 --> 00:37:58,778 Go ahead. 676 00:38:00,237 --> 00:38:02,364 One... 677 00:38:03,115 --> 00:38:06,327 Five o'clock. See you fuckers tomorrow. 678 00:38:07,411 --> 00:38:10,247 Oh, did anybody see which way Dave went? 679 00:38:17,838 --> 00:38:19,590 Hey, but I gave you 20 bucks. 680 00:38:32,478 --> 00:38:33,604 - Evan? -Oh. 681 00:38:34,438 --> 00:38:35,898 Oh. Hi, Elaine, hi. 682 00:38:37,399 --> 00:38:39,944 Sorry. Sorry you lost your job. 683 00:38:41,237 --> 00:38:42,321 Oh. 684 00:38:51,205 --> 00:38:52,498 Oh, thank you, Elaine. 685 00:38:55,376 --> 00:38:57,127 All right, man. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. 686 00:38:57,127 --> 00:38:58,420 Phallusite. 687 00:39:00,297 --> 00:39:01,841 Well, it was worth a shot. 688 00:39:06,011 --> 00:39:10,599 And you can call me Ward Cleaver 'cause I just banged out June. 689 00:39:10,599 --> 00:39:11,642 Nice. 690 00:39:12,059 --> 00:39:16,689 You can call me Uncle Ben because I just nailed May. 691 00:39:16,856 --> 00:39:17,940 Nice. 692 00:39:18,315 --> 00:39:21,652 Hey, we keep this up, we might not have to sleep here. 693 00:39:21,652 --> 00:39:23,112 Oh, Amen, brother. 694 00:39:26,115 --> 00:39:28,534 Oh shit. 695 00:39:29,118 --> 00:39:31,745 Zabeth only brought up the hard copies through July. 696 00:39:31,745 --> 00:39:33,998 Can you run downstairs and get August? 697 00:39:33,998 --> 00:39:35,291 In the basement? 698 00:39:35,291 --> 00:39:36,876 - Yeah. -Oh, man. 699 00:39:36,876 --> 00:39:39,420 That place has freaked me out ever since they found that 700 00:39:39,420 --> 00:39:40,880 whimsical gimp mask. 701 00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:42,715 You know, Elaine walked off with that. 702 00:39:43,716 --> 00:39:47,219 Come on, man. Please. Just go. Think of it as a field trip. 703 00:39:47,219 --> 00:39:49,138 You don't have to work for one minute. 704 00:39:49,138 --> 00:39:50,848 Actually, that's pretty good argument. 705 00:39:51,932 --> 00:39:53,392 There you go. 706 00:40:02,359 --> 00:40:06,488 Ooh, no, no, no, no, no. Don't do it, Evan. 707 00:40:08,866 --> 00:40:09,825 Bad idea. 708 00:40:10,910 --> 00:40:13,537 Ah, fuck that. It was my office longer than it was his. 709 00:40:20,794 --> 00:40:24,298 Oh, Jesus Christ, Zabeth. You scared the shit out of me. 710 00:40:25,716 --> 00:40:27,843 What the hell were you even doing down here? 711 00:40:32,556 --> 00:40:35,184 Oh, shit. Of course. 712 00:40:37,686 --> 00:40:39,438 Um, ass-hat? 713 00:40:42,316 --> 00:40:46,528 I thought perhaps it was Evan coming down, but now I see. 714 00:40:47,112 --> 00:40:49,740 Why send a boy to do a man's job? 715 00:40:49,740 --> 00:40:51,617 Well, I couldn't agree more. 716 00:40:51,992 --> 00:40:53,744 The douche-nozzle. 717 00:40:54,995 --> 00:40:56,956 Yeah, I should stop doing that. 718 00:40:57,414 --> 00:40:59,792 You know, I always had a thing for you, right? 719 00:41:00,709 --> 00:41:02,127 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 720 00:41:02,127 --> 00:41:06,006 'Cause I always thought you wanted me to die in a car fire. 721 00:41:06,173 --> 00:41:09,718 Oh, no, no, no, no. Why would my baby think of me like that? 722 00:41:09,718 --> 00:41:14,014 Because you said, "Andrew, I hope you die in a car fire." 723 00:41:16,642 --> 00:41:18,686 Got some new hires, huh? 724 00:41:21,105 --> 00:41:22,523 Well, that's not a surprise. 725 00:41:22,523 --> 00:41:26,944 You were very specific to the make, the model, the mileage. 726 00:41:26,944 --> 00:41:29,405 Oh, no] no] no, no, non. 727 00:41:29,405 --> 00:41:32,116 I was just wasting my time pining on Evan. 728 00:41:32,116 --> 00:41:34,910 And Evan is just that. 729 00:41:35,327 --> 00:41:36,412 A waste. 730 00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:44,503 Oh, Max. You sick fuck. 731 00:41:44,503 --> 00:41:47,297 Okay, come on. Evan's my friend, 732 00:41:47,297 --> 00:41:49,591 and he's the only person in this office who... 733 00:41:49,591 --> 00:41:51,677 - Aah! - You're right. Fuck that guy. 734 00:41:52,219 --> 00:41:53,595 Well, Tim. I mean... 735 00:41:54,596 --> 00:41:55,973 What? Really? 736 00:41:57,349 --> 00:41:58,976 Oh, what are you doing, pilates? How do... 737 00:42:01,145 --> 00:42:02,187 Well... 738 00:42:03,355 --> 00:42:06,859 What? I'm the one person in the office 739 00:42:06,859 --> 00:42:08,736 you haven't made a decision on. 740 00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:11,739 Okay, full disclaimer. 741 00:42:11,739 --> 00:42:14,116 There might be some slight discoloration issues down there, 742 00:42:14,116 --> 00:42:16,118 but if it helps, you can pretend you're boning the Hulk. 743 00:42:16,326 --> 00:42:17,661 Actually, I don't want to over promise that. 744 00:42:17,661 --> 00:42:18,787 Let's go with Kermit. 745 00:42:19,121 --> 00:42:20,581 Ho-ha! 746 00:42:20,914 --> 00:42:23,542 Huh! Well, well, well. 747 00:42:24,752 --> 00:42:28,797 My buddy Ted will be very interested in this. 748 00:42:29,673 --> 00:42:32,301 I have severely underestimated the versatility 749 00:42:32,301 --> 00:42:33,969 of Anne Taylor Loft. 750 00:42:36,305 --> 00:42:38,766 Oh, God! You bit my lip. 751 00:42:38,766 --> 00:42:41,101 Do we need a safe word? Oh! 752 00:42:41,101 --> 00:42:42,186 Scream for me. 753 00:42:42,186 --> 00:42:45,105 Okay. You know what? I'm as kinky as the next guy. 754 00:42:49,026 --> 00:42:50,569 Well, you have Zabeth. 755 00:42:51,820 --> 00:42:53,113 Oh, God! 756 00:42:53,113 --> 00:42:55,240 Okay, I took a self-defense class for women 757 00:42:55,240 --> 00:42:57,493 to pick up chicks, and the shit they teach you there is nasty. 758 00:42:58,285 --> 00:43:01,038 Dave? What the hell does he do? 759 00:43:01,038 --> 00:43:04,458 No! Foot stomp, eye gouge, crotch kick. 760 00:43:04,458 --> 00:43:06,168 - Excellent suggestion. - Ah! 761 00:43:12,132 --> 00:43:13,300 Well, that's different. 762 00:43:21,934 --> 00:43:23,310 Oh, God! 763 00:43:23,310 --> 00:43:25,604 I will still fuck you if you scream. 764 00:43:25,979 --> 00:43:27,314 What the hell does that mean? 765 00:43:27,564 --> 00:43:29,817 Oh, God! 766 00:43:30,567 --> 00:43:32,111 I just didn't say when. 767 00:43:36,865 --> 00:43:38,325 All right, Max. 768 00:43:39,660 --> 00:43:43,038 We'll see what Ted has to say about this. 769 00:43:46,875 --> 00:43:51,338 Oh, man, you would not believe what I... 770 00:43:51,338 --> 00:43:55,509 Are you... Son of a bitch! If you bailed on me... 771 00:44:00,681 --> 00:44:02,141 Andrew? 772 00:44:04,518 --> 00:44:08,063 Dude, if this is another fucking bit like Mike's... 773 00:44:08,772 --> 00:44:11,400 - Run. -Whoa, whoa, whoa! 774 00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:14,736 Oh, shit! Andrew, you all right? 775 00:44:14,736 --> 00:44:17,072 Okay, okay, hold on. I'm gonna get help. 776 00:44:59,198 --> 00:45:01,491 What the fuck is happening? 777 00:45:04,661 --> 00:45:06,830 Somebody here went to Harvard? 778 00:45:20,344 --> 00:45:22,721 Who the fuck would do this? 779 00:45:27,893 --> 00:45:28,936 Max. 780 00:45:32,105 --> 00:45:37,194 Max. You fucking asshole. 781 00:46:11,937 --> 00:46:13,188 Oh fuck! 782 00:46:17,693 --> 00:46:19,194 Oh, come on 783 00:46:22,614 --> 00:46:24,825 Amanda. Amanda, it's me. I'm at the office. 784 00:46:24,825 --> 00:46:26,451 I just saw Andrew get killed. 785 00:46:26,451 --> 00:46:29,329 And now they're after me, and I think it's Max. 786 00:46:29,329 --> 00:46:31,331 MAX: Oh, gosh, buddy. That hurts my feelings. 787 00:46:31,999 --> 00:46:35,085 I'm sure Amanda is great in a crisis, 788 00:46:35,252 --> 00:46:38,088 but don't you think this call is more suited to 911? 789 00:46:38,255 --> 00:46:39,715 What have you done with Amanda? 790 00:46:39,715 --> 00:46:44,094 I just devoured her fabulous Ossobuco 791 00:46:44,261 --> 00:46:47,347 Who knew Mandy was such a demon in the kitchen? 792 00:46:47,347 --> 00:46:50,934 Absolutely open another bottle as long as it's red. 793 00:46:51,893 --> 00:46:52,978 What? 794 00:46:55,856 --> 00:46:58,900 Max, you son of a bitch. You listen to me, right now! 795 00:47:00,027 --> 00:47:02,112 - Oh, fuck! -Do I hear banging? 796 00:47:03,030 --> 00:47:05,991 On your end. I mean, there's no banging happening here, yet. 797 00:47:08,118 --> 00:47:10,454 Wait, are you on my phone? 798 00:47:10,454 --> 00:47:11,913 It's Evan calling to tell us 799 00:47:11,913 --> 00:47:15,334 he's absolutely crushing the presentation tomorrow. 800 00:47:15,500 --> 00:47:16,585 Do you want to talk to him? 801 00:47:18,295 --> 00:47:22,174 Uh, no. No, it's okay. 802 00:47:23,300 --> 00:47:24,384 Amanda! 803 00:47:24,384 --> 00:47:25,635 Sorry, buddy. You're stuck with me. 804 00:47:27,679 --> 00:47:29,931 God damn it, Max. I swear to God 805 00:47:29,931 --> 00:47:31,850 if you lay one finger on her... 806 00:47:33,310 --> 00:47:36,229 I think you better focus on your own problems, bro. 807 00:47:36,229 --> 00:47:37,522 But I'll give Amanda your best. 808 00:47:39,358 --> 00:47:41,860 Actually, I'll give her mine. 809 00:47:41,860 --> 00:47:44,321 - Max, no. -It's better. 810 00:47:45,989 --> 00:47:48,784 Max! Fuck! 811 00:47:48,784 --> 00:47:52,037 Fuck! Fuck-ety fuck! Fuck! 812 00:47:55,332 --> 00:47:57,542 Situation is suited for 911, huh? 813 00:48:01,963 --> 00:48:03,799 Fuck it. That was stupid. 814 00:48:06,176 --> 00:48:08,178 All right. Where were we? 815 00:48:08,345 --> 00:48:10,514 "Where are we?" 816 00:48:11,807 --> 00:48:13,683 Is the more pertinent question. 817 00:48:15,227 --> 00:48:17,145 - What? -You... 818 00:48:18,855 --> 00:48:20,524 have beautiful eyes. 819 00:48:26,363 --> 00:48:28,198 Uh, we should get started. 820 00:48:29,116 --> 00:48:31,535 We have the whole company to get through, so... 821 00:48:34,704 --> 00:48:36,331 Don't I know it. 822 00:48:48,593 --> 00:48:50,595 Ah! 823 00:48:50,595 --> 00:48:53,515 Hey, Ted. Oww. 824 00:48:54,182 --> 00:48:56,184 Mind explaining yourself? 825 00:48:56,184 --> 00:48:57,519 Ted's here. 826 00:48:57,519 --> 00:49:00,772 I, uh, I don't know. I don't know. 827 00:49:00,772 --> 00:49:04,192 I, uh, was working on the presentation. 828 00:49:04,192 --> 00:49:06,987 And uh... Oh, my God! Andrew! 829 00:49:06,987 --> 00:49:08,572 "Oh, my God, Andrew," is right. 830 00:49:08,572 --> 00:49:10,532 Without him, today would have been a total disaster. 831 00:49:10,532 --> 00:49:13,118 What? No, no. Andrew is dead. 832 00:49:13,118 --> 00:49:14,995 Dead tired after that all-nighter. 833 00:49:16,163 --> 00:49:19,416 The presentation. Signed, sealed, and delivered. 834 00:49:20,250 --> 00:49:23,420 Andrew, you start prepping my office for the Phallusite. 835 00:49:24,296 --> 00:49:26,590 I want you to run this presentation today. 836 00:49:26,590 --> 00:49:27,841 You got it, boss. 837 00:49:28,008 --> 00:49:29,426 Bounce. 838 00:49:30,427 --> 00:49:33,096 Evan, what the hell happened to you? 839 00:49:33,096 --> 00:49:36,016 You've always been a model employee, but I... 840 00:49:36,016 --> 00:49:39,603 I can't overlook a pooch-screwing this monumental. 841 00:49:39,603 --> 00:49:41,771 Ted. Ted, Ted. 842 00:49:42,814 --> 00:49:44,357 Let's not be hasty. 843 00:49:44,357 --> 00:49:47,652 Andrew finished the job but Evan laid down the groundwork. 844 00:49:48,361 --> 00:49:49,571 Look at this poor fellow. 845 00:49:50,155 --> 00:49:52,240 He was just passed over for a promotion. 846 00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:53,783 He slept in the supply closet, 847 00:49:53,783 --> 00:49:55,827 and he smells like a dead wharf hooker. 848 00:49:55,827 --> 00:49:58,830 - You smell it now? -He's just having a rough patch. 849 00:49:58,830 --> 00:50:00,540 Let's give him a pass on this one, okay? 850 00:50:03,126 --> 00:50:04,544 I... 851 00:50:10,550 --> 00:50:12,093 Max brought doughnuts. 852 00:50:18,016 --> 00:50:20,310 I would love to tell you about our exceptional product, 853 00:50:20,477 --> 00:50:24,105 Abinatrix. Abinatrix is 100% natural. 854 00:50:24,105 --> 00:50:26,733 Abinatrix is for everyone of all ages. 855 00:50:27,651 --> 00:50:30,278 Dude, that sucked man. 856 00:50:31,905 --> 00:50:34,533 Abinatrix is recommended by most doctors. 857 00:50:34,533 --> 00:50:37,327 No, I don't understand what the hell is going on. 858 00:50:37,494 --> 00:50:40,914 I did not imagine all that stuff last night, Tim. 859 00:50:40,914 --> 00:50:43,124 And why the hell did Max save my job? 860 00:50:43,583 --> 00:50:45,418 You know what, man? I thought that was weird too, 861 00:50:45,418 --> 00:50:47,295 but on the plus side, 862 00:50:47,295 --> 00:50:49,839 at least he didn't turn you into a vampire like everyone else. 863 00:50:51,091 --> 00:50:52,717 Mom, look, just buy Abinatrix all right? 864 00:50:52,717 --> 00:50:53,885 What? 865 00:50:53,885 --> 00:50:56,555 I haven't had a sale all month and I'm going to get fired. 866 00:50:56,555 --> 00:50:58,682 Dude, what are you doing? That was going to be my first sale. 867 00:50:58,682 --> 00:51:01,726 Tim! Vampires? 868 00:51:01,726 --> 00:51:03,770 Oh, okay. Well, 869 00:51:04,271 --> 00:51:06,815 it's just a few things I've been noticing here and there. 870 00:51:12,737 --> 00:51:14,114 A shoe? 871 00:51:16,032 --> 00:51:18,785 - That was your evidence? -Well, I'm not done yet. 872 00:51:28,920 --> 00:51:31,590 Okay, that is significantly weirder 873 00:51:31,590 --> 00:51:33,883 and Zabeth has been acting strangely. 874 00:51:33,883 --> 00:51:36,803 Agreed, but what really convinced me... 875 00:51:36,803 --> 00:51:39,389 Poor, poor, Elaine. 876 00:51:39,848 --> 00:51:42,934 All ginger and no joy. 877 00:51:43,602 --> 00:51:46,855 - I don't-I don't mind. -Yes, you do. 878 00:51:46,855 --> 00:51:49,983 - Oh, that's... -I want you so bad. 879 00:51:49,983 --> 00:51:52,402 Oh, I am so busy. 880 00:51:52,402 --> 00:51:53,987 I can't. I can't. 881 00:51:55,071 --> 00:51:57,907 Uh, I'm, I'm a virgin. 882 00:51:59,117 --> 00:52:00,452 You all are. 883 00:52:12,714 --> 00:52:17,010 So basically, I saw Max turn Elaine into a vampire, ergo... 884 00:52:17,010 --> 00:52:20,972 - Max is a vampire. -The head vampire, presumably. 885 00:52:20,972 --> 00:52:23,892 Right. This all started after he got here. 886 00:52:23,892 --> 00:52:26,394 - It's only logical. -AMANDA: Logical? 887 00:52:27,145 --> 00:52:29,773 Oh, there's a part of this story that you guys think is logical? 888 00:52:29,773 --> 00:52:31,858 Well, maybe not logical, but true. 889 00:52:32,651 --> 00:52:34,944 I don't know what kind of a game you're trying to play here, Evan 890 00:52:34,944 --> 00:52:38,323 but it is not funny or endearing or working. 891 00:52:38,323 --> 00:52:40,408 And you, you let him drag you into this too? 892 00:52:40,617 --> 00:52:42,202 I thought you were smarter than that. 893 00:52:42,202 --> 00:52:43,703 - Really? -Really? 894 00:52:43,703 --> 00:52:46,206 - And today of all days. -What day is it? 895 00:52:46,206 --> 00:52:48,291 I knew that you were selfish and immature, Evan, 896 00:52:48,291 --> 00:52:50,835 but I did not think that you would commit career suicide 897 00:52:50,835 --> 00:52:52,379 to impress me, it's, It's pretty lame. 898 00:52:52,379 --> 00:52:55,799 Damn it, Amanda! I'm not trying to commit career suicide. 899 00:52:55,799 --> 00:52:59,052 I'm trying to prevent career homicide! 900 00:52:59,052 --> 00:53:00,345 Oh, good one. 901 00:53:00,345 --> 00:53:03,139 Oh, well, yeah, it just came out. 902 00:53:04,099 --> 00:53:05,433 We have to get out of here. 903 00:53:05,433 --> 00:53:08,311 The only thing I have to do is that Phallusite presentation 904 00:53:08,311 --> 00:53:11,272 because I actually give a shit about my job, so... 905 00:53:11,272 --> 00:53:12,941 - Touche. -Wait, wait, wait. Wait. 906 00:53:12,941 --> 00:53:15,735 - How do you explain Andrew? -What about Andrew? 907 00:53:15,735 --> 00:53:18,071 He stayed here all night working. He looks amazing. 908 00:53:18,071 --> 00:53:19,989 - Yeah, he does. -Exactly! 909 00:53:19,989 --> 00:53:22,200 You don't think that proves supernatural forces 910 00:53:22,200 --> 00:53:23,326 are at work here? 911 00:53:23,326 --> 00:53:24,911 All right, Evan, I'm done. I'm clone with-- 912 00:53:24,911 --> 00:53:27,372 What? Amanda! Amanda, wait, wait, wait. Wait. 913 00:53:27,372 --> 00:53:31,710 Please, wait. I know this all sounds crazy. I know. 914 00:53:31,710 --> 00:53:33,962 But please, you have to believe me. 915 00:53:35,547 --> 00:53:36,756 I love you. 916 00:53:40,051 --> 00:53:41,428 No. 917 00:53:43,930 --> 00:53:46,099 So that's what it sounded like. 918 00:53:47,142 --> 00:53:49,519 Fuck it. I don't care if she hates me forever, 919 00:53:49,519 --> 00:53:51,312 I am not letting the woman I love 920 00:53:51,312 --> 00:53:53,606 get turned into a blood-sucking vampire. 921 00:53:53,606 --> 00:53:55,275 Bam-snap! 922 00:53:58,695 --> 00:53:59,779 What? 923 00:54:02,615 --> 00:54:06,077 Is it just me or is this office getting darker? 924 00:54:06,077 --> 00:54:09,956 - And colder too. Look. -Oh. 925 00:54:11,833 --> 00:54:14,419 Okay, it's time we alert the authorities. 926 00:54:14,419 --> 00:54:15,920 - You mean call the cops? -Yes. 927 00:54:15,920 --> 00:54:17,172 And tell them what? 928 00:54:17,172 --> 00:54:20,091 I mean, everybody that we want to report is dead, is here... 929 00:54:20,842 --> 00:54:22,886 - And working. -Shit. 930 00:54:24,179 --> 00:54:25,889 Or turned to food. 931 00:54:25,889 --> 00:54:29,017 Oh, god! That was Mike's real body. 932 00:54:29,434 --> 00:54:30,602 Grody. 933 00:54:31,811 --> 00:54:33,813 Oh, poor Andrew. 934 00:54:34,898 --> 00:54:37,442 Hey, we did get a bell. Bitchin'. 935 00:54:37,901 --> 00:54:39,027 It's a great idea. 936 00:54:39,027 --> 00:54:41,029 I think Max really listens to what I have to say. 937 00:54:42,113 --> 00:54:43,156 Dave. 938 00:54:45,909 --> 00:54:50,747 Andrew has 14 sales today? Fuck! 939 00:54:51,539 --> 00:54:54,167 He's totally going to win that Chili's gift certificate. 940 00:54:54,167 --> 00:54:55,460 Look, we need to get Amanda 941 00:54:55,460 --> 00:54:57,003 and we need to get the fuck out of here. 942 00:54:57,003 --> 00:54:58,630 Everyone in this office has been turned-- 943 00:54:58,630 --> 00:55:01,341 Well, not everyone. 944 00:55:02,550 --> 00:55:03,510 Come on. 945 00:55:06,888 --> 00:55:10,809 Anybody need anything from the... break room. 946 00:55:18,149 --> 00:55:20,235 - Colonel Sanders. -At ease, Soldier. 947 00:55:20,235 --> 00:55:22,362 No, no, no, not at ease. It's war time. 948 00:55:22,862 --> 00:55:25,448 Right, right, right. Yeah. I, uh... 949 00:55:25,448 --> 00:55:26,783 - Attention. -Attention. 950 00:55:27,575 --> 00:55:30,578 Frank, we need your help, okay? 951 00:55:30,578 --> 00:55:33,122 This is going to sound insane, 952 00:55:33,122 --> 00:55:35,583 but the entire office has been turned into-- 953 00:55:35,583 --> 00:55:37,335 Vampires. Affirmative, sir. 954 00:55:39,295 --> 00:55:41,464 What? What, you know? 955 00:56:05,113 --> 00:56:07,365 Oh! Did I not mention that Frank was there? 956 00:56:07,365 --> 00:56:10,118 No, Tim. God damn it. No, you didn't. 957 00:56:10,118 --> 00:56:11,703 Sorry, my bad. 958 00:56:11,703 --> 00:56:13,037 We hang out a lot actually. 959 00:56:13,037 --> 00:56:14,330 By the way, how amazing was that 960 00:56:14,330 --> 00:56:15,707 Kelly Clarkson concert last night? 961 00:56:15,707 --> 00:56:18,167 American Idol? More like American Treasure. 962 00:56:18,167 --> 00:56:19,335 Her voice literally sings. 963 00:56:19,335 --> 00:56:20,753 - It does sing. -Her singing sings. 964 00:56:20,753 --> 00:56:22,505 Oh, how did you get home? I blacked out. 965 00:56:22,505 --> 00:56:24,883 This is not what we're here to talk about. 966 00:56:24,883 --> 00:56:27,135 We need to get upstairs, Frank, we need your help. 967 00:56:27,135 --> 00:56:29,596 We need to get Amanda and we need to get the hell out of dodge. 968 00:56:29,596 --> 00:56:30,930 No, no, no, we can't just go up there. 969 00:56:30,930 --> 00:56:33,224 The place is a den of the undead right now. 970 00:56:33,224 --> 00:56:36,019 We need to arm ourselves. We need weapons and shit. 971 00:56:36,019 --> 00:56:37,645 I was waiting for you to say that. 972 00:56:38,855 --> 00:56:40,064 I've got just the thing. 973 00:56:44,485 --> 00:56:46,404 'Weapons! 'okay! Okay. 974 00:56:51,284 --> 00:56:54,495 When she came after that second encore, I was like, "whaaat!" 975 00:56:55,538 --> 00:56:56,706 Almost fainted. 976 00:56:56,873 --> 00:56:58,875 What kills vampires? 977 00:56:58,875 --> 00:56:59,959 - Stakes. -Yeah. 978 00:56:59,959 --> 00:57:01,711 Anything wooden you can jam into their heart. 979 00:57:01,711 --> 00:57:04,505 Or a sharp blade. Decapitations work too. 980 00:57:06,549 --> 00:57:08,259 Did you think this was my first vamp hunt? 981 00:57:08,259 --> 00:57:10,345 I'm a licensed security guard. 982 00:57:10,345 --> 00:57:12,847 You don't get this patch without dusting a few puncture monkeys. 983 00:57:18,603 --> 00:57:20,563 I looked some stuff up on Wikipedia. 984 00:57:20,813 --> 00:57:22,482 Oh. 985 00:57:22,482 --> 00:57:24,901 All right, what else? Holy water, garlic? 986 00:57:24,901 --> 00:57:27,487 Ooh, I make a really good 40-clove chicken. 987 00:57:29,072 --> 00:57:31,658 But we probably don't have time for that right now, guys. 988 00:57:31,658 --> 00:57:33,159 Sunlight. That burns them up. 989 00:57:33,159 --> 00:57:34,994 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Does it? 990 00:57:34,994 --> 00:57:36,704 Because, I mean, it's daytime right now 991 00:57:36,704 --> 00:57:38,539 and they don't seem to be too bothered by it. 992 00:57:38,539 --> 00:57:41,542 Correct, but that's because this facility has a limited number 993 00:57:41,542 --> 00:57:43,586 of windows to minimize visual distractions 994 00:57:43,586 --> 00:57:45,463 and maximize climate control and security. 995 00:57:45,463 --> 00:57:48,007 You're telling me sunlight does kill vampires, 996 00:57:48,007 --> 00:57:50,927 but we get so little of it in this fluorescent shithole, 997 00:57:50,927 --> 00:57:52,720 that they're just fine? 998 00:57:54,472 --> 00:57:57,809 - Good god, that's depressing. -Yes, sir, it is. 999 00:58:02,146 --> 00:58:05,817 Sir, I swear to god there was an arsenal 1000 00:58:05,817 --> 00:58:09,195 of immense proportions in this van this morning. 1001 00:58:10,613 --> 00:58:12,824 Someone has violated 1002 00:58:12,824 --> 00:58:15,660 the sovereignty of my vehicular transport. 1003 00:58:15,660 --> 00:58:17,453 They got your stereo, too. 1004 00:58:18,037 --> 00:58:19,747 - Oh, son of a bitch. -Hey! 1005 00:58:21,165 --> 00:58:25,420 Oh, my god! Man, hey, hey. You can't just... Okay, okay. 1006 00:58:25,420 --> 00:58:26,879 Listen, we need your help. 1007 00:58:26,879 --> 00:58:29,090 All right, this is going to sound insane, 1008 00:58:29,090 --> 00:58:31,592 but the entire office has been turned into-- 1009 00:58:31,592 --> 00:58:33,094 Vampires, yeah. 1010 00:58:33,094 --> 00:58:36,097 - Did everybody know but me? -Yeah, it seems that way. 1011 00:58:36,097 --> 00:58:37,640 Oh, fuck! 1012 00:58:37,640 --> 00:58:40,184 Oh, my god, you're a vampire! Holy shit! 1013 00:58:40,184 --> 00:58:42,061 Max turned the fucking janitor. 1014 00:58:42,061 --> 00:58:44,272 Well, that one actually makes sense if you think about it. 1015 00:58:44,272 --> 00:58:45,773 You're creating a lot of dead bodies-- 1016 00:58:45,773 --> 00:58:47,025 Yeah, you got blood. 1017 00:58:47,025 --> 00:58:48,317 It's smeared all over the walls, man. 1018 00:58:48,317 --> 00:58:50,194 People are struggling, they're breaking things. 1019 00:58:50,194 --> 00:58:52,113 You got vans coming in full of weapons. 1020 00:58:52,113 --> 00:58:54,741 - You got to clear that out. -Okay, okay, I get it. 1021 00:58:54,741 --> 00:58:56,826 I get it. All right, yeah. Great idea. 1022 00:58:56,993 --> 00:59:00,121 - He's still a fucking asshole. -Did you guys really not notice? 1023 00:59:00,121 --> 00:59:02,665 He turned me day one. I've been a vampire this whole... 1024 00:59:02,665 --> 00:59:05,126 I-I chased you through the cubicles. 1025 00:59:05,126 --> 00:59:07,670 Last night? That was you? Um... 1026 00:59:08,504 --> 00:59:10,882 It was really dark. I mean, I was scared. 1027 00:59:10,882 --> 00:59:13,176 Look, it's not personal. We just don't know you that well. 1028 00:59:13,176 --> 00:59:14,844 Yeah. No, no, no. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1029 00:59:14,844 --> 00:59:18,014 You know? I mean, we work upstairs, we're busy and you... 1030 00:59:18,014 --> 00:59:19,724 Well, how about his? 1031 00:59:21,809 --> 00:59:24,854 That's, that's scary, yeah. 1032 00:59:25,021 --> 00:59:28,274 - The teeth-- -Don't patronize me! God! 1033 00:59:28,274 --> 00:59:29,859 Do you even know my name? 1034 00:59:31,110 --> 00:59:32,320 - Janitor? -Janitor. 1035 00:59:34,072 --> 00:59:36,783 Always keep a provisional weapon on your person. 1036 00:59:41,454 --> 00:59:42,747 Wait, where? 1037 00:59:44,749 --> 00:59:46,209 In my-- 1038 00:59:52,799 --> 00:59:54,550 Wikipedia did not mention that. 1039 01:00:02,266 --> 01:00:04,811 No, no, no. Okay, okay, wait, wait. 1040 01:00:04,811 --> 01:00:06,896 This means that they can die, all right? 1041 01:00:07,063 --> 01:00:09,398 You just need to find weapons. 1042 01:00:09,398 --> 01:00:11,776 Oh, hey, maybe the janitor put Frank's weapons in... 1043 01:00:13,945 --> 01:00:16,864 Oh, god, how have they not dumped the bodies yet? 1044 01:00:16,864 --> 01:00:18,741 Trash pick up is on Saturdays 1045 01:00:18,741 --> 01:00:20,493 unless you make a special request, 1046 01:00:20,493 --> 01:00:22,036 but that's like 60 bucks. 1047 01:00:22,870 --> 01:00:24,080 Seriously? 1048 01:00:25,665 --> 01:00:27,834 God, this fucking company sucks. 1049 01:00:29,085 --> 01:00:30,586 I've got towels in my car. 1050 01:00:38,344 --> 01:00:41,139 Hi, we're the Phallusite Corporation. 1051 01:00:41,139 --> 01:00:42,557 We have a 4 o'clock meeting? 1052 01:00:44,016 --> 01:00:45,434 Meeting's canceled. 1053 01:00:50,648 --> 01:00:52,608 Go. Go. Go, go, go, 90- 1054 01:00:55,945 --> 01:00:57,405 Say what you want about Elaine, 1055 01:00:57,405 --> 01:01:00,741 she always did stock the shit out of the supply closet. 1056 01:01:00,741 --> 01:01:02,243 Bam-snap! 1057 01:01:03,411 --> 01:01:04,954 That's growing on me. 1058 01:01:21,429 --> 01:01:22,555 What? 1059 01:01:34,734 --> 01:01:38,237 - Bam-snap! -Yeah! 1060 01:01:40,489 --> 01:01:42,950 Today, we become men. 1061 01:01:43,910 --> 01:01:46,746 - Or vampires. -Or dead. 1062 01:01:53,711 --> 01:01:55,421 God, Frank, what's wrong with you? 1063 01:01:56,172 --> 01:01:57,715 It's bull piss. 1064 01:02:00,927 --> 01:02:02,261 Let's be jazzed. 1065 01:02:03,179 --> 01:02:04,972 How many of those do you drink a day? 1066 01:02:05,973 --> 01:02:07,558 As many as it takes. 1067 01:02:11,520 --> 01:02:13,856 Jeez, the vampire that probably takes a bite out of you 1068 01:02:13,856 --> 01:02:15,441 is going to be up for a week. 1069 01:02:40,258 --> 01:02:42,093 Okay, there's a lot of them. 1070 01:02:43,094 --> 01:02:44,845 Let's focus. 1071 01:02:44,845 --> 01:02:47,223 We get into Ted's office, we grab Mandy, 1072 01:02:47,223 --> 01:02:50,184 -we get out of here. -We got your back, Colonel. 1073 01:02:50,977 --> 01:02:54,313 Colonel Sanders. 1074 01:02:56,732 --> 01:02:58,192 Like the chicken guy. 1075 01:03:00,152 --> 01:03:01,570 I just got that. 1076 01:03:03,406 --> 01:03:07,326 All right, vam time. Focus. 1077 01:03:14,333 --> 01:03:16,544 Okay, okay, okay. No sudden movements, all right? 1078 01:03:16,544 --> 01:03:19,380 Just calm careful motions. Like you're playing Jenga. 1079 01:03:22,967 --> 01:03:25,344 So, you know, generally it's got to be some kind of pass. 1080 01:03:25,344 --> 01:03:27,513 - People call yet? -No, not yet. 1081 01:03:27,513 --> 01:03:29,265 Maybe they're stuck in traffic. 1082 01:03:31,267 --> 01:03:33,102 I don't recognize a lot of these people. 1083 01:03:33,602 --> 01:03:36,397 That, that's the IT guy. There's Marketing. 1084 01:03:36,397 --> 01:03:38,649 There's the Customer Service Call center. 1085 01:03:38,649 --> 01:03:41,569 - I hired everyone in there. -That is ironic. 1086 01:03:42,403 --> 01:03:43,612 Only if they eat us. 1087 01:03:44,697 --> 01:03:45,656 Tim. 1088 01:03:46,407 --> 01:03:50,161 What? Oh, did I jinx us? My bad. 1089 01:03:54,165 --> 01:03:56,500 Sanders, what the hell are you doing? 1090 01:03:56,500 --> 01:03:58,419 Have, have you lost your mind? 1091 01:03:58,419 --> 01:04:02,131 Amanda, I love you, but you have no idea whats going on here. 1092 01:04:02,298 --> 01:04:07,595 - Now you're saying way too much. -Tim... Ted, we have a problem. 1093 01:04:07,595 --> 01:04:12,641 Max, in addition to being a douchebag, is also a vampire 1094 01:04:12,808 --> 01:04:14,727 and he's turning every one of your employees 1095 01:04:14,727 --> 01:04:16,604 from the janitor on up. 1096 01:04:16,604 --> 01:04:19,940 By the way, your neck-biting custodial buddy 1097 01:04:19,940 --> 01:04:23,110 is doing his best impression of a Jackson Pollock painting 1098 01:04:23,110 --> 01:04:24,528 in the parking garage. 1099 01:04:24,528 --> 01:04:26,489 - Bam-snap! -AMANDA: Jesus Christ. 1100 01:04:26,489 --> 01:04:28,074 Evan, what the fuck have you done? 1101 01:04:28,074 --> 01:04:32,036 Do you have any idea how hard it is to find good custodial help? 1102 01:04:32,036 --> 01:04:33,496 You popped Jerry? 1103 01:04:33,496 --> 01:04:34,914 - Jerry. -Jerry. 1104 01:04:34,914 --> 01:04:36,832 - That sounds familiar. -That was... Yeah. Yeah. 1105 01:04:36,832 --> 01:04:38,751 - That was so embarrassing. -I was like... 1106 01:04:38,751 --> 01:04:40,711 Did you just miss the whole un-dead thing, sir? 1107 01:04:40,711 --> 01:04:41,796 Yeah. 1108 01:04:41,796 --> 01:04:44,590 God damn it, I know they're vampires. 1109 01:04:44,590 --> 01:04:47,134 Uh, wait. What? 1110 01:04:47,134 --> 01:04:49,428 I track how many paperclips we use per quarter, 1111 01:04:49,428 --> 01:04:52,181 you think I wouldn't notice a vampire company take-over? 1112 01:04:52,348 --> 01:04:54,016 How many paperclips do we use per quarter? 1113 01:04:54,016 --> 01:04:57,395 - Tim! -Uh, last quarter, 22415. 1114 01:04:57,395 --> 01:05:00,940 See? Look at him. He's a model employee now. 1115 01:05:00,940 --> 01:05:04,026 Wait, you did this intentionally? 1116 01:05:04,026 --> 01:05:06,612 Corporate was threatening to shut down the entire branch, 1117 01:05:06,612 --> 01:05:09,240 I simply presented Ted with an alternative. 1118 01:05:09,240 --> 01:05:11,742 His methods may seem a little unorthodox, 1119 01:05:11,742 --> 01:05:14,036 but you can't argue with the results. 1120 01:05:14,036 --> 01:05:17,832 After your little stunt in college! 1121 01:05:19,917 --> 01:05:21,752 The only school that would take me 1122 01:05:21,752 --> 01:05:25,089 was this university in Romania. 1123 01:05:26,298 --> 01:05:29,885 But it turns out, it had a very unique MBA program, 1124 01:05:30,719 --> 01:05:34,515 a whole new paradigm in business management 1125 01:05:34,515 --> 01:05:39,478 What? Turning your employees into vampires? That's sick! 1126 01:05:39,478 --> 01:05:41,605 Evan, this company was sick. 1127 01:05:41,605 --> 01:05:44,150 Employees calling in with fake, dead grandmothers 1128 01:05:44,150 --> 01:05:45,860 so that they could go out to the ballpark. 1129 01:05:45,860 --> 01:05:48,237 Video game tournaments during office hours, 1130 01:05:48,404 --> 01:05:51,115 and look at your browser histories. 1131 01:05:51,115 --> 01:05:54,618 - I know you watch porn all clay. -That was mainly Mike. 1132 01:05:54,618 --> 01:05:56,537 At least now we have a future. 1133 01:05:56,537 --> 01:06:00,624 Yeah, funny your usage of the word "we" there. 1134 01:06:01,542 --> 01:06:02,835 What's that supposed to mean? 1135 01:06:02,835 --> 01:06:04,962 Max was gonna fucking eat you. 1136 01:06:04,962 --> 01:06:06,672 I saw it in his files. 1137 01:06:06,672 --> 01:06:08,549 Why do you think he hasn't turned you yet, Ted? 1138 01:06:08,549 --> 01:06:12,803 He was going to turn me last. Make it special with candles. 1139 01:06:12,803 --> 01:06:14,889 - Oh. -That makes sense. 1140 01:06:20,102 --> 01:06:21,770 You were going to force me out? 1141 01:06:22,188 --> 01:06:24,982 Hey, quick, while you still have time, Ted. Fire this-- 1142 01:06:25,191 --> 01:06:27,109 Oh god! 1143 01:06:27,109 --> 01:06:29,445 It actually works. He really did that. 1144 01:06:29,445 --> 01:06:34,825 That is the worst part of this job. Firing people. 1145 01:06:34,825 --> 01:06:37,495 Oh, shit. Jeez. He just... 1146 01:06:37,495 --> 01:06:39,371 - Hey, Mandy. -His neck-- 1147 01:06:39,371 --> 01:06:42,333 Have you not been listening this entire time? 1148 01:06:42,333 --> 01:06:44,877 We are vampires. That's what we do. 1149 01:06:44,877 --> 01:06:47,713 We get... Still sounds so weird saying vampires. 1150 01:06:47,713 --> 01:06:49,673 So you just do it? 1151 01:06:49,673 --> 01:06:51,884 It's true. Amanda you got to start working 1152 01:06:51,884 --> 01:06:54,303 on your stubbornness if you want to be a part of the team. 1153 01:06:54,470 --> 01:06:57,014 Oh! Fuck your team, Max! 1154 01:06:57,014 --> 01:07:01,393 I'm taking Amanda and we're walking out of here un-undead. 1155 01:07:01,393 --> 01:07:02,770 Is that so? 1156 01:07:03,229 --> 01:07:05,731 Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do that. 1157 01:07:05,731 --> 01:07:06,690 Oh. 1158 01:07:08,776 --> 01:07:10,778 - Okay -Okay? 1159 01:07:10,778 --> 01:07:12,279 Well, show yourselves out. 1160 01:07:13,322 --> 01:07:16,450 Can I have a thing, maybe a... This will do. 1161 01:07:17,409 --> 01:07:19,995 - Bye, gang. -Okay, yeah. 1162 01:07:19,995 --> 01:07:21,705 - See you guys. -See you, man. 1163 01:07:21,705 --> 01:07:24,166 You got that? You got the door? 1164 01:07:24,166 --> 01:07:25,668 Back up. Back up! 1165 01:07:27,253 --> 01:07:28,462 Holy shit! 1166 01:07:29,547 --> 01:07:32,258 - Are all these people vampires? -Yes, ma'am. 1167 01:07:32,258 --> 01:07:33,509 Mandy, I don't want to die 1168 01:07:33,509 --> 01:07:35,010 without telling you how I really feel. 1169 01:07:35,010 --> 01:07:36,262 Well, then shut the fuck up, 1170 01:07:36,262 --> 01:07:37,763 so you have a reason to survive this shit. 1171 01:07:37,763 --> 01:07:40,808 - So what now, Colonel? -Honestly, I have no idea. 1172 01:07:40,808 --> 01:07:42,309 I never thought we'd live this long. 1173 01:07:42,518 --> 01:07:45,563 To think you came to rescue me and you didn't plan an escape? 1174 01:07:45,563 --> 01:07:47,982 Oh, don't Princess Leah me. I'm thinking. 1175 01:07:49,858 --> 01:07:51,360 - Okay, I've got it. -Oh, hey, Dave. 1176 01:07:52,444 --> 01:07:54,321 Good luck getting your 20 bucks now, bitch. 1177 01:07:54,321 --> 01:07:56,198 - God damn it, Tim. -Oops. 1178 01:08:03,956 --> 01:08:06,333 God damn it. Now I'm definitely gonna have to wash this shirt. 1179 01:08:06,333 --> 01:08:08,752 Do you want me to, uh, dive in? 1180 01:08:08,752 --> 01:08:11,880 Oh, no, no, no, no. I need you to learn how to delegate. 1181 01:08:22,641 --> 01:08:25,227 Hey, decapitate. You gotta take it off. 1182 01:08:27,187 --> 01:08:28,439 Hair pulling?! 1183 01:08:28,939 --> 01:08:33,110 Yipee-Taekwondo-rogue- a-motherfucker. Oh, shit! 1184 01:08:34,486 --> 01:08:37,406 Oh, God! Your breath smells like cat-food. 1185 01:08:45,581 --> 01:08:47,082 Oh, I don't like this 1186 01:08:58,218 --> 01:09:00,262 And I defended your hire. 1187 01:09:09,855 --> 01:09:13,484 - Does this happen every time? -Yeah. Yeah, basically. 1188 01:09:16,487 --> 01:09:18,572 Not if you kill them first, people. 1189 01:09:19,615 --> 01:09:21,617 Learn how to take the initiative 1190 01:09:21,617 --> 01:09:23,661 if you don't want me to micro-manage. 1191 01:09:30,250 --> 01:09:32,044 This is about the story as far as I-- 1192 01:09:32,795 --> 01:09:35,506 Well, now it's time to go to work. 1193 01:09:38,550 --> 01:09:39,843 AMANDA: Oh, Shit. 1194 01:09:43,430 --> 01:09:46,141 Jesus, those walls are thin. 1195 01:09:48,268 --> 01:09:49,978 So, my question is, 1196 01:09:50,729 --> 01:09:52,898 "When do you let your people make their own mistakes 1197 01:09:52,898 --> 01:09:53,982 so that they can learn?" 1198 01:09:53,982 --> 01:09:56,902 and "when do you just jump in and do the job yourself 1199 01:09:56,902 --> 01:09:58,112 because you're more efficient?" 1200 01:09:58,112 --> 01:10:00,489 - It's a balance to be sure. -Yeah. 1201 01:10:00,656 --> 01:10:02,282 I'm going to need a minute, Dave. 1202 01:10:02,282 --> 01:10:04,368 I think I've re-injured my back. 1203 01:10:09,790 --> 01:10:13,460 God damn it, Amanda! I finally started boning her. 1204 01:10:14,586 --> 01:10:15,671 Sorry. 1205 01:10:15,671 --> 01:10:18,048 Whoa-ho-ho! 1206 01:10:18,048 --> 01:10:19,758 You know what? That almost felt like-- 1207 01:10:19,758 --> 01:10:23,178 Oh, come on. Whoa! Did it just get dark? 1208 01:10:23,178 --> 01:10:24,930 Should we be intervening here? 1209 01:10:24,930 --> 01:10:27,558 I mean, we are losing a lot of employees. 1210 01:10:27,558 --> 01:10:29,518 Oh, don't worry about it. It's mostly marketing. 1211 01:10:29,518 --> 01:10:31,186 Oh, okay, I'll just run an ad. 1212 01:10:31,186 --> 01:10:34,606 You fucker. Take that. 1213 01:10:34,606 --> 01:10:37,526 Are you trying to repel me with a cross made of pencils? 1214 01:10:39,069 --> 01:10:40,320 Still, a good manager knows 1215 01:10:40,320 --> 01:10:41,822 when his staff is getting overextended. 1216 01:10:41,822 --> 01:10:45,033 Be a dear and call downstairs for me, would you? 1217 01:10:45,033 --> 01:10:46,493 Can I use your office? This is just, 1218 01:10:46,493 --> 01:10:47,703 kind of flat out here. 1219 01:10:47,703 --> 01:10:49,204 Yeah, feel free. Make yourself at home. 1220 01:10:49,204 --> 01:10:50,539 I know you rigged the raffle 1221 01:10:50,706 --> 01:10:52,875 to win the office trip to Cabo this year. 1222 01:10:52,875 --> 01:10:54,293 That trip was mine! 1223 01:10:57,087 --> 01:10:59,006 You do not want to know where that came from. 1224 01:11:04,595 --> 01:11:07,097 Who am I gonna get to stock the supply closet now? 1225 01:11:07,723 --> 01:11:10,893 I'm not a vampire expert, asshole. 1226 01:11:10,893 --> 01:11:15,230 Enough. I want my $20, and then you die. 1227 01:11:16,023 --> 01:11:18,901 I'm saving it for something else. 1228 01:11:28,952 --> 01:11:30,704 Why don't we ever go dancing? 1229 01:11:31,413 --> 01:11:33,791 Monday night is salsa night at Vida Loca. 1230 01:11:38,754 --> 01:11:40,589 I hope you and your dickhead pals 1231 01:11:40,756 --> 01:11:45,511 enjoyed picking on poor Dave, because now my veins surge 1232 01:11:45,511 --> 01:11:48,138 with a thousand generations of death. 1233 01:11:48,138 --> 01:11:53,435 My claws are like hammers, my teeth are like swords! 1234 01:11:53,435 --> 01:11:56,814 I am vengeance! And I am immortal! 1235 01:12:03,821 --> 01:12:04,822 Eww. 1236 01:12:05,447 --> 01:12:07,491 I knew you were a good vampire. 1237 01:12:07,491 --> 01:12:10,577 I'm not a good vampire. I just always hated Dave. 1238 01:12:13,997 --> 01:12:16,083 Well, what now, asshole? 1239 01:12:16,625 --> 01:12:19,503 Yeah, it looks like you're fresh out of friends. 1240 01:12:19,503 --> 01:12:21,129 Nah, I'll make more. 1241 01:12:21,797 --> 01:12:24,299 Oh, that's a lot of blood! 1242 01:12:24,299 --> 01:12:25,384 - Yeah. -Yeah. 1243 01:12:25,384 --> 01:12:28,262 - Area secure? -Not in the slightest. 1244 01:12:29,137 --> 01:12:30,222 Huh? 1245 01:12:30,222 --> 01:12:31,515 ANDREW: Fuck that NCAA pool. 1246 01:12:31,515 --> 01:12:34,142 That was a bullshit foul at the end of the UNC game. 1247 01:12:34,142 --> 01:12:35,644 Fucking Duke. 1248 01:12:35,644 --> 01:12:36,979 - You hungry? -Yeah. 1249 01:12:36,979 --> 01:12:39,314 I can punch right into this thing. It's hilarious. 1250 01:12:39,314 --> 01:12:41,149 Yeah! 1251 01:12:41,149 --> 01:12:43,151 Oh, honestly, guys, 1252 01:12:44,570 --> 01:12:46,488 did you really think it was going to be that easy? 1253 01:12:47,155 --> 01:12:49,658 No, not at first, but then it... 1254 01:12:49,658 --> 01:12:52,202 - Once we got going, it was... -MAX: Oh, come on! 1255 01:12:52,202 --> 01:12:54,246 You think I would attempt to take over this entire company 1256 01:12:54,246 --> 01:12:55,998 without consulting legal first? 1257 01:12:59,001 --> 01:13:00,878 Oh, lawyers? 1258 01:13:06,258 --> 01:13:10,470 Amanda, a private word with you in my office please. 1259 01:13:15,851 --> 01:13:18,979 Um, Amanda, where are you going? 1260 01:13:18,979 --> 01:13:23,025 Uh, I don't really know actually. 1261 01:13:23,233 --> 01:13:25,360 Hey, remember when I did this to your girlfriend in college 1262 01:13:25,360 --> 01:13:27,487 without using supernatural powers? 1263 01:13:28,071 --> 01:13:29,531 Hey, I'm just saying why go pro 1264 01:13:29,531 --> 01:13:31,450 when your school has a chance at the Championships? 1265 01:13:31,450 --> 01:13:32,993 Run the risk of injury? No way man. 1266 01:13:32,993 --> 01:13:34,578 You got to take the money and run. 1267 01:13:36,079 --> 01:13:38,248 Evan, you can go home for the clay. 1268 01:13:38,248 --> 01:13:40,125 Frank, you can die. 1269 01:13:45,130 --> 01:13:46,423 It has been an honor and a pleasure 1270 01:13:46,423 --> 01:13:47,925 to serve with you, Colonel... 1271 01:13:48,467 --> 01:13:50,385 But it's time we parted ways. 1272 01:13:50,969 --> 01:13:53,347 Any-who, I'm going to turn you now. 1273 01:13:53,347 --> 01:13:54,640 I hope that's cool. 1274 01:13:54,640 --> 01:13:56,600 No, I don't want to be a vampire. 1275 01:13:57,351 --> 01:14:00,145 No, no, no, Frank. They will, they will eat you alive. 1276 01:14:00,145 --> 01:14:02,481 Literally. Literally, literally. 1277 01:14:02,481 --> 01:14:04,524 Not the bullshit way most people use it. 1278 01:14:05,525 --> 01:14:06,985 You never know if you're the kind of guy 1279 01:14:06,985 --> 01:14:10,030 who'll jump on a grenade, till it lands at your feet. 1280 01:14:10,030 --> 01:14:11,531 Man, that's intense. 1281 01:14:11,531 --> 01:14:12,908 Being a vampire is amazing. 1282 01:14:12,908 --> 01:14:14,743 We had a crazy vampire orgy last night 1283 01:14:14,910 --> 01:14:16,620 It was mind-blowing. 1284 01:14:16,620 --> 01:14:18,288 Yeah, but I just got some new golf clubs... 1285 01:14:18,622 --> 01:14:21,291 Thanks, Frank. I'm going to recommend you 1286 01:14:21,291 --> 01:14:24,461 for a meritorious service medal when all this is over. 1287 01:14:24,461 --> 01:14:26,713 I'm not going to let you stake me so... 1288 01:14:29,675 --> 01:14:31,009 Some pickle, huh? 1289 01:14:31,718 --> 01:14:34,888 Much obliged, sir. Now go in there and kill our boss. 1290 01:14:41,478 --> 01:14:46,191 Come on! Come on, get him! 1291 01:14:47,985 --> 01:14:50,612 Oh, hey, pal! I was just about to turn your girl 1292 01:14:50,612 --> 01:14:52,239 and fuck her on Ted's desk. 1293 01:14:53,323 --> 01:14:56,326 Sorry. My desk. 1294 01:14:56,326 --> 01:14:57,911 You fucking dick. 1295 01:14:58,704 --> 01:15:01,498 Amanda, you need to focus on your job. 1296 01:15:01,957 --> 01:15:04,459 HR is going to be swamped with all the new hires 1297 01:15:04,459 --> 01:15:05,585 we're going to need. 1298 01:15:06,253 --> 01:15:08,213 Oh, let's just get this over with. 1299 01:15:08,213 --> 01:15:09,798 I'd rather die than listen 1300 01:15:09,798 --> 01:15:12,050 to your lame management style any longer. 1301 01:15:12,217 --> 01:15:16,596 My management style is effective. And refreshing. 1302 01:15:16,972 --> 01:15:21,018 Okay, option seven, you just eat like raccoons and stuff. 1303 01:15:21,018 --> 01:15:22,728 That is disgusting. No. 1304 01:15:24,896 --> 01:15:28,608 Evan, do you remember what I said we sell here? 1305 01:15:29,609 --> 01:15:32,029 - Dreams? -Yeah, that was bullshit. 1306 01:15:32,904 --> 01:15:34,281 We sell fear. 1307 01:15:34,281 --> 01:15:38,827 Option eight, I don't turn you, I just kill you. 1308 01:15:38,994 --> 01:15:41,163 No, that doesn't work for me, 'cause then I'm just dead. 1309 01:15:41,163 --> 01:15:43,832 Our customers are afraid. 1310 01:15:43,832 --> 01:15:46,626 Afraid that life is passing them by, 1311 01:15:46,626 --> 01:15:48,587 which to be fair, it is. 1312 01:15:49,629 --> 01:15:54,468 And that is why you are perfect for this place. 1313 01:15:54,468 --> 01:15:58,013 Because you are a coward. 1314 01:16:00,932 --> 01:16:02,059 I'm sorry? 1315 01:16:02,601 --> 01:16:04,936 Okay, option nine, I let you go 1316 01:16:04,936 --> 01:16:06,730 but you have to promise not to kill anyone. 1317 01:16:06,730 --> 01:16:08,440 No way, man. A vamp's got to eat. 1318 01:16:08,440 --> 01:16:11,276 You were afraid to tell Amanda you love her because of why? 1319 01:16:12,152 --> 01:16:13,987 Because you work together? 1320 01:16:14,529 --> 01:16:16,364 Because she earns more than you? 1321 01:16:16,740 --> 01:16:19,409 Roshambo? Winner chooses our fate? 1322 01:16:22,120 --> 01:16:25,499 One, two, three, yes! Sorry. 1323 01:16:26,166 --> 01:16:28,168 You didn't even have the balls to quit 1324 01:16:28,168 --> 01:16:31,755 when this incompetent turd passed you over 1325 01:16:31,755 --> 01:16:35,801 for the guy you hate most on the face of the Earth. 1326 01:16:36,259 --> 01:16:38,720 You are so afraid of life. 1327 01:16:39,930 --> 01:16:43,767 And you actually want to be sales manager 1328 01:16:43,767 --> 01:16:45,060 in this shithole. 1329 01:16:45,060 --> 01:16:46,478 Mandy! 1330 01:16:46,478 --> 01:16:48,772 We are trying to have a conversation. 1331 01:16:48,772 --> 01:16:51,024 No! 1332 01:16:53,902 --> 01:16:56,321 - Well, two out of three? -Yeah. 1333 01:16:57,197 --> 01:16:58,782 One, two, three. 1334 01:17:00,742 --> 01:17:03,870 I am not going to change you. That's right. 1335 01:17:03,870 --> 01:17:09,292 I'll leave you alive and stuck in this pathetic pointless job 1336 01:17:09,543 --> 01:17:12,546 now, until the day you die. 1337 01:17:13,880 --> 01:17:15,090 This suit is bespoke. 1338 01:17:16,967 --> 01:17:18,343 One, two, three. 1339 01:17:19,553 --> 01:17:21,888 Sharing the desk with the photo printer, 1340 01:17:21,888 --> 01:17:26,726 while I stay young with the woman you love, 1341 01:17:27,227 --> 01:17:29,229 immortal at my side. 1342 01:17:33,233 --> 01:17:35,110 I'd rather fucking die first. 1343 01:17:36,903 --> 01:17:40,073 Yeah, yeah, that's the way it works. 1344 01:17:52,127 --> 01:17:53,753 Holy shit! 1345 01:17:54,462 --> 01:17:56,548 I think I'm ready to turn in my resignation. 1346 01:17:56,548 --> 01:17:57,507 Yeah. 1347 01:18:18,778 --> 01:18:21,948 You want this job? Then take it. 1348 01:18:23,617 --> 01:18:27,412 Die, you bloodsucking bastard! 1349 01:18:36,379 --> 01:18:37,881 Oh, shit. 1350 01:18:48,808 --> 01:18:52,395 Well, this is pretty much the grossest thing I've ever seen. 1351 01:18:59,236 --> 01:19:03,156 I stand corrected. Yuk. 1352 01:19:07,953 --> 01:19:09,079 Hey. 1353 01:19:11,289 --> 01:19:13,208 Is all this Max's blood? 1354 01:19:14,918 --> 01:19:19,547 Uh, some of it's mine, some of it's Evans. 1355 01:19:19,547 --> 01:19:20,507 Yeah. 1356 01:19:21,883 --> 01:19:22,884 Gross. 1357 01:19:24,010 --> 01:19:24,970 Yeah. 1358 01:19:26,513 --> 01:19:28,265 Hey, Frank? 1359 01:19:29,307 --> 01:19:30,976 Lost in the line of duty. 1360 01:19:32,560 --> 01:19:34,396 I really liked that guy. 1361 01:19:34,396 --> 01:19:37,065 Well, on the plus side, no more vamps. 1362 01:19:37,065 --> 01:19:38,024 Yeah. 1363 01:19:40,860 --> 01:19:43,738 Oh, hey, another work day. 1364 01:19:43,738 --> 01:19:44,948 Bitchin' 1365 01:20:47,761 --> 01:20:49,763 EVAN: Is it weird that I'm hungry? 1366 01:20:49,763 --> 01:20:50,889 TIM: Oh, I could eat. 1367 01:20:51,639 --> 01:20:53,141 AMANDA: Where do you guys wanna go? 1368 01:20:53,141 --> 01:20:55,894 EVAN: Well, somewhere without blood on it. 1369 01:20:55,894 --> 01:20:57,062 TIM: That rules out Denny's. 1370 01:20:59,147 --> 01:21:00,523 AMANDA: Have a pizza. 1371 01:21:01,608 --> 01:21:02,776 Oh shit. 1372 01:21:04,361 --> 01:21:06,279 Sorry, Mom. Are you still there? 1373 01:21:06,613 --> 01:21:08,907 Hey! Yeah. 1374 01:21:08,907 --> 01:21:11,159 No, you'll never guess what happened at work. 1375 01:21:12,327 --> 01:21:13,870 Oh, you could hear it the whole time? 1376 01:21:32,806 --> 01:21:34,099 Bastardo! 1377 01:21:38,019 --> 01:21:41,773 Welcome to the team. 1378 01:21:41,773 --> 01:21:43,149 My office in 10. 102683