Original subtitles

♪ It's that time of year ♪

♪ When the world falls in love ♪

♪ Every song you hear... ♪

Ah. What about this one?

No.

God, you're 15, not 50.

I like this.

You can't have a Christmas party without a bit of glitter.

It'll show off your figure, which the boys'll love.

Mum!

Can you remember where we parked?

- No. - Serves us right for coming up to London.

Look.

Thank you. Merry Christmas.

Oh my God, it's Princess Diana.

Thank you. Merry Christmas.

Know what? Here, can we have some more of yours? We're selling out.

- Diana, can I have one, please? - Thank you very much.

Here's a pound.

No, more than that.

There you go.

- Merry Christmas. - Here you go.

- Oh, sorry. - Yeah.

Selling like hotcakes.

- Uh, here. - Ooh, that's very generous.

- What's your name? - Catherine.

Uh, Kate's fine.

- Say thank you to Kate. - Uh...

Thank you.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

Come on. Please.

Someone obviously made an impression.

He seems kind.

Has a nice face.

His mother's face is what he's got.

He has nice eyes too.

Well,

you never know.

Mummy, he's a royal prince.

So?

When I first met your father, he was way out of my reach.

You know, I was just a lowly stewardess.

Trolley dolly.

While his grandmother had been friendly with the Queen's aunt.

His father was an RAF pilot who'd flown with Prince Philip.

I felt like the luckiest woman in the world.

And then I started the family business

and became so successful that your dad was able to leave his job

and come and work full-time for something I'd created.

Then I realized that maybe it was the other way around.

That he'd been lucky to have me.

Never underestimate yourself.

Never think there's anything in this world you're not good enough for.

♪ Happy birthday, dear William ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Fuckers. Every one of them.

Scum of the earth.

Yeah.

Don't worry, bro.

I've got your back.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Until now, there's been an agreement

that the press won't intrude on your private life.

Now you're 18 and of age, are you worried that will change?

I hope not.

Hello! Cup of tea?

Love one.

...press and the public, which hasn't been easy.

But by giving this interview

and allowing people in here to film me now before I go to university,

I hope I'll be given the same kind of freedom there too.

- Have you enjoyed your time at Eton? - I have. Thank you.

- What will you miss most? - Me.

- Will you miss Harry? - Of course.

He's my brother.

- And now it's off to university. - Hopefully, yes.

Made your choice? There have been reports you're considering Edinburgh.

I am.

That's assuming I pass my exams first.

He will. He's such a swot.

How do you think you might get along with the other students?

Particularly those who might be, uh, anti-monarchists.

He'll have their heads cut off.

I just want to go to university and have fun.

And girls?

How will you handle the attention?

I'll have enough to be getting on with

without worrying too much about girls.

From your father, the Prince of Wales. To wish you good luck with your exams.

A-level geographers, that is the end of your time.

Finish the sentence you're writing and then pens down.

Please place your exam script on the left-hand side of your desk

to be collected.

Now Granny's here.

We can start.

Whatever they are, just know we're already immensely proud.

What rot!

Only straight As will do.

Philip!

- Right. - Well, come on.

Well?

Is that a... good frown?

Don't keep us in suspense.

C in biology.

- Oh, well... - C in what?

Biology, Mummy.

- Oh. - A in geography.

Oh, very good.

- Aren't you clever? - A in what?

- Oh, someone tell her. - Geography, Granny.

That must be the only A ever in this family.

- And B in history of art. - Bravo!

- B in what? - Oh, somebody shoot her.

- History of art. - What?

History of fart.

- Well done, William. You're in. - Yeah.

- Well done. - Well done. Here.

Since you'll be flying the nest soon. And because accidents do happen.

- You'll all be thanking me later. - Oh, what is it?

Oh, for God's sake, Harry, don't let...

What are they? Sweeties?

- Condom. - Putting them in your mouth is optional.

- I'll have that. - Just a bit of advice.

- What? - Hmm? What?

Prince William is due to hold a press conference shortly.

We're expecting him to be announcing his plans for university life after Eton.

Okay. Yeah.

If you have any issues...

Yeah, okay, good.

Congratulations. How's the proud father feeling today?

Oh, couldn't be happier.

Have you decided where you're going yet, William?

Well, um, I was lucky enough

to meet the conditions of my first choice. So it's going to be St. Andrews.

Not Edinburgh?

No. I considered it,

but St. Andrews is closer to Balmoral.

And the academic course there sounds excellent.

Are you looking forward to Freshers' Week?

Uh, well, after thinking it all through,

and after a long discussion with my father,

uh, we've decided that I'm going to be taking a gap year.

It'll be character building.

And, of course, St. Andrews will still be waiting for him when he gets home.

Do you know how you'll be spending it yet?

Well, there's a survival course I want to go on in Belize,

then Chile with the Raleigh International Expedition

where I'll be helping out at a school.

Then Botswana,

then Kenya, where I'll be staying in a rhino sanctuary.

And then after that, St. Andrews.

Yes, good boy.

No, no, no! No!

Yeah!

Lovely to meet you. Thank you very much.

Lovely to meet you. Sorry about the noise.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Hello. Are you students?

Right. I think it's time for parents to disappear

and the wild parties to begin.

Not too much chance of wild parties with him watching my every move.

Oh, I'm sure he can be persuaded to look away sometimes.

I didn't say that.

Good luck.

A bit of housekeeping before we begin.

You should all now be able to access information

through the student web portal.

In this, your first semester,

we'll be covering medieval and Renaissance art up to 1600.

If you need to share books or other material,

we've provided a list of all your fellow students' names

with email addresses and telephone numbers.

40% of your assessment will be based on a midterm visual analysis...

Hi, lovely to meet you.

- Could you sign the picture? - Yeah, of course.

Sorry, can you take that off? Thank you.

There you go. Yeah, I do really need to get to...

Uh, thank you. Thank you.

There you go. Okay, lovely to meet you.

Have a nice day, okay? Okay.

Any idea what this is?

The Ognissanti Madonna.

That's right. The Madonna Enthroned.

Which is considered by many

to be the first significant painting of the Renaissance.

It encourages an emotional connection with the viewer.

How do you think Giotto achieves this?

Is it by painting people as quite lifelike and realistic?

Exactly. Giotto was one of the first artists

to create three-dimensional figures in Western European art.

Plan tonight?

- Pint, golf? - Yeah.

- Ooh... - Both at the same time.

- Go! Go, go. - Wish me luck.

Absolutely.

- Very down for it. - I would love...

Excuse me, Your Royal Highness...

- Oh, please don't call me that. - Sorry.

Could you sign this, please? It's for my grandma.

She's a huge fan of the royal family.

- Sure. - Thank you.

Thanks.

At least you're a hit with the grannies, Will.

Honestly, what I wouldn't give...

I'm gonna literally get all my...

- Hey! - Oh, hi!

- These books on the list? - I've got her phone number.

Already?

I salute you. Respect.

We're on the same course, which means I automatically get it.

That's a bit lazy.

We've already crowned her the fittest girl in Sallies.

Yeah, but not literally crowned, of course.

- That's, you know, your thing. - Ha-ha.

What's her name?

- Kate. - Beautiful Kate.

- Puts the Kate in intoxic-Kate-ing. - Oh, that was good.

Yeah. Yeah.

Mother runs some kind of party business and used to be,

wait for it, an air hostess.

So, how is university life?

- Still getting used to it all. - Do you know anyone there?

Fergus Boyd, Oli Chadwyck-Healey, Charlie Nelson.

Anyone not from Eton?

What about girls?

Well, obviously, there are girls.

Any, you know,

woof?

- Are you for real? - Are you for real, more like?

You frigid weirdo.

University is just sex.

With books.

Get stuck in.

Sire some... illegitimate bastards and alter the lines of succession.

Or

swallow some hallucinogenic mushrooms and have a fist fight with the local oiks.

Anything, just... promise me you'll try not to be quite so...

- What? - Uptight.

Repressed.

Responsible and boring.

If you want to be treated like everyone else,

you've got to act like everyone else.

What are you so scared of?

Go mad.

All right, I've gotta go, but...

speak to you later.

♪ Love might bring us back together ♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ I feel right The music sounds better with you ♪

♪ Love might bring us back together ♪

♪ I feel so good... ♪

Come on. Let's go.

- Was that a smile? - What?

- Did she smile when she went past? - Didn't see.

You're useless. You're supposed to see everything.

I'm on the lookout for assassins and kidnappers.

Maybe this is more important. Keep up.

Jesus.

- William, is this your new girlfriend? - Oh my God.

- On your way. - Piss off. What's it to you, you pervert?

Come on. Come on!

- Is that your girlfriend? - Come on, let's go!

Shit!

- Take your menu. Thank you very much. - Thank you.

Come on!

Lola Airdale-Cavendish-Kincaid.

What?

From a family so posh they had to name it thrice.

When it comes to bagging a prince, only genuine blue bloods need apply.

Hi. I've got an apple, cheese and pickle sandwich, and a water.

- Uh, it's three pounds fifteen. - Okay.

There you go.

- Hey. - Hi.

Sorry, could you help me look for some books?

For an assignment?

Uh, yes. Uh, history of art.

Uh, we are looking at the...

Reading list.

Oh, there.

Right.

Essays in the Study of Sienese Painting.

On loan.

The Frescoes in Siena's Palazzo Pubblico.

Volume 1.

Nope.

Sienese Quattrocento Painting, definitely not.

Sorry, all out of luck here.

Miss Middleton beat you to it.

Thanks.

Psst.

So that's where all the material went.

- Hi. - Hello.

Actually, I'm done with it now.

- Great. - But I've promised it to someone else.

- I think she promised it to someone else. - Yeah.

But you're welcome to the notes I made. And the essay I've written if it'll help.

It's no masterpiece, but I put the research in there.

Thanks, that...

- When you're done, text and let me know. - Yeah.

Or cut a hole in your ceiling and give it back.

I'm in the room directly above you.

Oh, so it's you that's been keeping me up at night.

Oh, my roommate. If it's any consolation, her noise keeps me up too.

Yeah.

I only know it's you in the room below because they came to sweep us for bugs.

I told them if I was out to get you, I could have just done that in Chile.

On the gap year Raleigh International Expedition.

- Did you do that too? - I did, yeah.

We missed each other by a week.

Really? Um...

It was...

- It was tough, wasn't it? - It was, yeah.

Yeah, but hacking through rainforest...

Yeah.

Uh, how did you do?

All right, I think. With my trusty machete.

Yeah.

I bet you excelled.

You seem like the type who excels at everything.

There are people with high expectations of me.

I don't want to let them down.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you what that's like.

- Yeah. - Hi.

Oh.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Sorry, Lola, Kate.

- Hi. - Hi.

We were just discussing...

How Kate excels at everything she does. I overheard.

Well, Lola is an exceptional person too.

In which area? Apart from her hearing, that is.

Oh, drama. She's done a bit of acting.

You're speaking for me now? "This is Lola, my ventriloquist puppet."

And what is your area of exceptionalism, Kate?

We were just discussing an expedition we both did in South America.

You're speaking for her now too?

Which involved weeks of long-distance hiking

and living off those ration packs.

Bathing in ice-cold buckets of water each morning.

Bracing and outdoorsy.

Such fun.

I'm learning that about you.

We haven't been dating very long.

How much you like outdoorsy.

- Well, I do, actually. - Sneaky.

After telling me you were interested in cinema and politics.

I, uh...

Don't outdoorsy, cinema, and politics go together?

Only as oxymorons, yeah.

And you also like flirting as soon as my back is turned.

- And hitting on other people. - What?

We're on the same course.

- We were just talking about an essay. - And how exceptional Kate is.

- Would you mind signing this? - Yes, as it happens, I would.

We're talking.

Just go away.

Please.

Oh, okay.

Wow.

What?

- That was... - Weirdly rage-aholic.

They were only being friendly.

Interrupting someone when they're talking is the opposite of friendly. It's rude.

- Okay. I really should go. - Me too.

No, I don't think you understand. I get that all the time.

You have no idea what it's like to live with that day-in, day-out.

Don't we?

What, being ogled?

Looked at and judged constantly?

Try being a girl.

A fit girl.

No, try being any girl.

Failing that, you could at least try to be a human being,

while not reducing every woman to whether she's fit.

Oh f...

Can I just...

Today, we'll be moving on to another topic. Patronage.

The system under which the arts flourished in city states like Florence and Venice,

and the circumstances under which the system came to exist.

To begin with, we'll discuss

some of the greatest patrons in 15th century Florence.

Page two.

The Medici family,

who also ruled the city.

Now, one of the painters they employed...

- I'm not coming. - What do you mean?

I've been given a cottage at Balmoral. Invited some friends.

Oh, some real friends. What are we, chopped liver?

You can't not go. Raisin Weekend is a first-year rite of passage.

- Everyone goes. - Twenty-four hours of drinking.

The largest outdoor shaving cream fight on the planet.

You've got your whole life to slaughter animals or peasants.

- You know, whatever you do up there. - With your real friends.

When you going to get another opportunity to do something like this?

Is this about Lola?

No. God no, that's over.

Or Kate?

Ollie said you made an arse of yourself with her in the library.

- Thanks. - Been kicking yourself since.

Can we just change the subject, please?

Okay.

Just check that's empty.

Willie, remember when Badger, like, buzzed my hair and came straight for me?

He came straight for me.

- Thank you. - Enjoy your day.

♪ I'm so tired of playing ♪

♪ Playing with this bow and arrow ♪

♪ For I've been a temptress too long ♪

♪ Just give me a reason to love you... ♪

Are you okay?

- What? - Are you okay? Do you want some food?

- No. I'm not... - It will help.

- I'm all right, I'm fine. - Have some water.

I'm fine.

- I'm not thirsty. Why the fu...? - Okay.

How's it going?

I hate to say it, mate. You are missing out.

Not least because with your back turned, Kate is getting a lot of attention.

Well, that's helpful.

Thanks, mate.

You'll just have to woo her when you get back.

But you better make it quick. The boat is sailing, my friend.

Anyway, how's Balmoral?

It's... Uh, it's good. Um...

Yes, it's not bad. We went... We went shooting earlier.

And, uh, now we're just back in the cottage, and...

- Listen, I... - Chad, come on!

I have to go.

I'll talk to you later, yeah? Bye.

It's been a long slog

for the celebrity inmates of the Big Brother house this week.

And tonight, we've finally found our winner, making Jack Dee

officially the most popular celebrity in all of the land.

- Will! Will! Save us! - Will! Help me out!

Wales, help me out.

Hi.

No.

Did you?

Sorry, Kate?

- From the drinking? - Kate. Uh, have you got a second?

Excuse me. Um...

I... I just wanted to apologize

for, um, how I was.

In the library?

It was an awkward situation.

Even more awkward than this.

Sorry. Sorry, uh...

- Rupert, William. - Hi. Finchie.

Hi. Um...

Yeah, I was out of my depth. And I behaved like a real idiot.

Thanks.

- And I hope you patch things up with Lola. - God no.

That was dead the minute she found out I was outdoorsy.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Shall we?

Yeah, anyway, I'll, um... I'll see you in lectures, I guess.

Uh, nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too.

Bye.

♪ O little town of Bethlehem... ♪

So tell us all about university. Mm?

Lots of lovely parties?

Uh...

A few parties. But, um, nothing especially exciting.

You must have made new friends?

A couple.

But, um, St. Andrews can feel quite small and... remote.

And the course.

I used to enjoy history of art at school. But now I struggle to see the point in it.

- Oh, that's sad. - Yeah.

The girl he likes has found herself a real man.

I think that's why he's feeling sorry for himself.

- Oh... - Oh, what a shame.

- Thank you. - Poor William, darling...

Really!

You'll stick it out. You're not actually thinking of leaving?

Maybe changing subjects would help.

What was your other favorite subject at school?

Geography.

Well, then, what better when you're feeling a little lost?

- Yes. - It is all orienteering.

The important thing is these chocolates.

Knock, knock.

Granny.

- Oh God, sorry about the mess. - I came to see if you were all right.

University hasn't been easy, by the sounds of it.

No.

If what Harry said is true,

and your dissatisfaction has more to do with

affairs of the heart...

Well, what else would one call it?

Um...

- Dating. - Oh, yes.

I don't know that word because we didn't do that.

We met someone, then married them and got on with it.

There's certainly no danger of marriage in this case.

There's no danger of dating either. I've made a mess of it.

And you don't want to hear anything about other fish in the sea?

Or encouragement to make another go of it?

Well, if I did that, it would be another word you don't know.

Stalking.

- Actually, I do know that word. - Oh.

Don't lose faith.

I'm a firm believer

that what is meant for you won't pass you by.

He makes sure of that.

Oh...

Are you all right?

- You okay? - Yeah, looking forward to it.

Hello!

- Hello, sweetheart! - Hi, Dad, how are you?

- Lovely to see you. Come on in. - Good to see you. Hey, James.

- Rupert. - Rupert, very nice to meet you. Come in.

- Hey, man. Rupert. Nice to meet you. - I'm good.

- Hello, darling. - Hi. Rupert. Nice to meet you.

- Merry Christmas. - Happy Christmas, darling.

Mum, Dad, this is Rupert.

- Rupert. Nice to meet you. - Rupert.

Covered in slime and God knows what,

and about a pint and a half of rancid river water in my stomach.

God. Still got man of the match though, right?

I mean, is there a name for a hat trick of own goals?

- I don't know. - Idiocy?

Thank you. Thank you.

- James is gonna be our little star. - I can tell.

- He had a very good season. - Really?

Yeah, he got four wickets. Four for 20.

♪ It's the time of year ♪

♪ When the world falls in love ♪

♪ Every song you hear ♪

♪ Seems to say ♪

♪ Merry Christmas... ♪

- Come on! - What's that you're playing?

You've just walked in on a very competitive game of Jenga.

- I'm gonna go and grab a cigarette. - I'll come and join you in a second.

Harry? Where are you going?

- Uh, I'm just going outside. - No, look, stay here.

What's the problem?

I want you to stay with the family.

What's the problem?

I'm your father, so don't argue.

Sure you are. When it suits you.

- Harry. - ♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ May all your dreams come true... ♪

- Your whole family is so sweet. - You had a good evening?

Yeah, so much fun.

My dad loves the cricket talk.

Bye.

He seems nice.

You think so?

Very.

What's not to like?

He's polite. And handsome.

Is it serious?

Why does everyone keep asking me that?

Catherine?

Is it serious?

Quite.

If that's okay with you.

Course.

Why wouldn't it be?

'Cause you've always had your sights on someone else for me.

Come on.

You've always loved the idea of me and William together.

I was all set to go to Edinburgh University

straight after school with all my friends.

Then you suggested I change it to St. Andrews

after a gap year.

With none of my friends.

- That was no coincidence. - Yes, it was.

Was it a coincidence you encouraged me to sign up to the art course in Florence

where William was expected to go?

And then to the expedition in Chile as well. Where he went.

I thought you'd thank me.

You said you liked him.

Yes, well, then I grew up.

Once you had the idea fixed in your head, you never stopped.

Yes, but not for any sinister reason.

- Really? - Do you know what I think?

I think you're special.

I also happen to think that poor boy needs a nice, normal girl.

You don't know him.

Well, I mean, what if William isn't right for me?

What about what I want?

If what you really want is Finchie, then that's fine.

I just don't want you to be seeing Finchie 'cause you're making a point to me.

Come on.

Especially since I've heard on the grapevine that

William is miserable.

And wants to leave university.

All right?

Hello.

Thanks.

You're not really gonna do it.

What?

Leave uni.

Haven't decided.

Stop muscling in on my territory.

I know my job, to be the fuck-up in this family. Don't you start too.

Go back to St. Andrews.

If not for your sake, then for mine. I need a...

purpose in life.

Screw up and make you look

good.

What's going on with you and Pa?

He found out about the weed, didn't he?

Went ballistic. Said I could have got myself expelled.

Now he wants me to go to a treatment center

to spend the day with some addicts.

What?

"Bit of an overreaction," I said.

"Remorse and responsibility," he said.

Thanks.

'Cause it'll be in all the papers.

And make me look like a lost cause. Again.

People will say, "Poor boy, ever since his mother died..."

But I guess it's all working out perfectly.

'Cause there's no need for a number two in this family.

Except as entertainment.

I can't be normal or a success, can I? And eclipse you in any way.

That would make a mockery of the whole show.

So it's Willy Gold Star, Harry Black Sheep.

Willy Saint, Harry Sinner.

Willy Solid, Harry Lost.

A fucking treatment center.

Can you imagine how people would freak out if

you were the one who was going to a treatment center?

It would be like the temple was falling down.

With me, it's just what people want.

Fucking up.

"Ah, that's Harry Wales' job."