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1
00:00:34,035 --> 00:00:35,701
So, Brian's checkup
went very well.
2
00:00:35,928 --> 00:00:38,686
He only bit me eight times
while I tried to brush his teeth.
3
00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:41,856
Wonderful. And does he have
the red, hairless undercarriage
4
00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:43,600
- of an older dog?
- He sure does.
5
00:00:43,619 --> 00:00:46,045
He's the Jason
Alexander of hairless scroti.
6
00:00:46,196 --> 00:00:47,621
And you know, if
you're interested,
7
00:00:47,773 --> 00:00:49,381
we're doing a 50% off promotion
8
00:00:49,458 --> 00:00:51,366
on our new,
state-of-the-art tracking chip.
9
00:00:51,443 --> 00:00:54,278
It connects to an app that
will monitor Brian's vitals
10
00:00:54,296 --> 00:00:55,796
and even has a Bluetooth speaker
11
00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:57,281
so you can play
songs through him.
12
00:00:57,283 --> 00:00:58,799
Awesome! I'm gonna
blast Ed Sheeran
13
00:00:58,951 --> 00:01:00,133
right through his stomach.
14
00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:03,062
That'll really showcase
my milquetoast personality
15
00:01:03,213 --> 00:01:04,879
and lack of masculine vigor.
16
00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:06,214
Great. I'll introduce
you to our nurse
17
00:01:06,292 --> 00:01:07,048
who handles the procedure.
18
00:01:07,068 --> 00:01:08,567
Hi, I'm Emma.
19
00:01:08,718 --> 00:01:10,644
And don't worry, I'm wearing
scrubs that hide my tattoos
20
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:11,978
to give you confidence.
21
00:01:12,073 --> 00:01:14,815
Terrific. And now, like in
every hospital situation,
22
00:01:14,967 --> 00:01:17,242
I'll depart and a woman
will do the actual work.
23
00:01:19,563 --> 00:01:21,205
Okay, we're almost done.
24
00:01:22,566 --> 00:01:24,065
And you're all set.
25
00:01:25,569 --> 00:01:27,811
Yeah! Playin' Ed
Sheeran through my dog!
26
00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:29,146
I'm like a cool dentist!
27
00:01:29,164 --> 00:01:31,481
Wow, I barely felt
that. You're very gentle.
28
00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:33,483
Thanks.
I love animals.
29
00:01:33,577 --> 00:01:35,001
It's why I do this.
30
00:01:35,154 --> 00:01:38,155
I even pride myself on being
able to find every dog's spot,
31
00:01:38,248 --> 00:01:39,431
right behind the ears.
32
00:01:39,583 --> 00:01:41,825
Well, maybe you can
find mine sometime.
33
00:01:41,844 --> 00:01:43,418
I'd be tempted to
ask you to coffee,
34
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,679
but I'm sure a girl like you
is already seeing someone.
35
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,848
I wish. Guys don't
want a girlfriend
36
00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:49,775
who comes home
smelling like dog pee.
37
00:01:49,926 --> 00:01:51,276
I'm practically a fire hydrant.
38
00:01:51,428 --> 00:01:53,612
Is-is, is, is that right?
39
00:01:53,763 --> 00:01:56,173
Yeah, and my car's so filthy.
40
00:01:56,266 --> 00:01:57,946
I need someone to stick
their head out the window
41
00:01:58,026 --> 00:01:59,100
to help navigate.
42
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,320
H-Head... head out the window?
43
00:02:00,512 --> 00:02:03,029
To be honest, all I
like to do is play tennis,
44
00:02:03,182 --> 00:02:04,456
but I'm not even that good.
45
00:02:04,533 --> 00:02:06,291
I keep hitting the
balls over the fence
46
00:02:06,443 --> 00:02:07,868
and have no one
to retrieve them...
47
00:02:08,020 --> 00:02:10,278
Hey, hey, babe? Babe? I'm in.
48
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:13,023
Well, I'm going to a
concert this Friday.
49
00:02:13,041 --> 00:02:15,025
Want to come? It's
at Quahog Church.
50
00:02:15,043 --> 00:02:18,028
Church? So, is it,
Christian rock?
51
00:02:18,046 --> 00:02:20,121
Yeah. I'm an
evangelical Christian.
52
00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:21,365
Is that a problem?
53
00:02:21,383 --> 00:02:23,124
Well, I-I'm not
really a big fan of...
54
00:02:23,144 --> 00:02:24,125
There's your spot.
55
00:02:24,145 --> 00:02:29,690
¡Gol!
56
00:02:33,970 --> 00:02:36,655
Sorry, I interrupted
you. You were saying?
57
00:02:36,806 --> 00:02:40,659
I-I... why, just that I'm not a
big fan of anything, but Jesus!
58
00:02:40,810 --> 00:02:42,161
He's the best!
59
00:02:42,312 --> 00:02:44,496
Well, him and whoever
fired Bob Barker.
60
00:02:44,648 --> 00:02:45,813
Neuter yourself, dick.
61
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,391
I know, what a jerk.
62
00:02:47,409 --> 00:02:49,726
Wasn't he also accused
of sexual harassment?
63
00:02:49,745 --> 00:02:50,818
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
64
00:02:50,913 --> 00:02:53,505
The dog stuff though,
you know, come on.
65
00:02:56,568 --> 00:02:59,403
We now return
to The Italian Tony Awards.
66
00:02:59,496 --> 00:03:01,922
Hey, I'm Tony, and for
the 30th year in a row,
67
00:03:01,998 --> 00:03:05,184
the best musical is the
only one that I've seen, Cats.
68
00:03:05,260 --> 00:03:06,167
Hey, you hear that?
69
00:03:06,187 --> 00:03:07,761
Tony likes a musical.
70
00:03:07,913 --> 00:03:09,504
Pipe down, boombots.
71
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,690
Everybody knows in high
school you had an earring.
72
00:03:11,767 --> 00:03:13,841
All right, I'm going out.
I'll see you guys later.
73
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:16,528
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
W-What's that around your neck?
74
00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:21,867
Well, I, I may have a
date with a Christian girl.
75
00:03:22,018 --> 00:03:24,110
Must be hard for you not to bite
76
00:03:24,205 --> 00:03:25,946
what's essentially
two crossed sticks.
77
00:03:26,114 --> 00:03:27,114
My God, it's so hard.
78
00:03:27,266 --> 00:03:28,520
It's literally all I
can think about.
79
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,434
But I-I really like
this girl, you know?
80
00:03:30,527 --> 00:03:32,044
She's perfect in
every other way.
81
00:03:32,195 --> 00:03:33,437
I don't know, Bri.
You really think
82
00:03:33,455 --> 00:03:35,547
you can convince
her you're Christian?
83
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:38,884
You're good.
84
00:03:43,632 --> 00:03:47,893
Hello, evangelicals!
Who out there is boring?
85
00:03:48,044 --> 00:03:49,210
We are!
86
00:03:49,230 --> 00:03:51,379
That's right! And
before we start,
87
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:52,973
I'd like to say a special hello
88
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,125
to our only Black
audience member,
89
00:03:55,218 --> 00:03:56,384
who's in the front row,
90
00:03:56,478 --> 00:03:59,529
so he's caught on
all the camera shots.
91
00:04:01,391 --> 00:04:03,633
Wow. Look at all our diversity.
92
00:04:03,652 --> 00:04:06,319
Can you believe most
people think us evangelicals
93
00:04:06,472 --> 00:04:07,913
are a bunch of nerdy losers?
94
00:04:08,064 --> 00:04:09,581
No. Come on.
95
00:04:09,733 --> 00:04:11,065
Seriously, it's true.
96
00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:13,643
Hey, I-I don't normally do this,
97
00:04:13,662 --> 00:04:16,813
but what do you say we
go back to my place after this
98
00:04:16,906 --> 00:04:18,740
and get a little crazy?
99
00:04:18,834 --> 00:04:20,333
- Really?
- Yeah.
100
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:23,837
We'll eat sherbet and watch
funny State Farm commercials.
101
00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,914
Okay, and, and
then we'll have sex?
102
00:04:27,009 --> 00:04:29,175
Sex? Brian, I'm Christian.
103
00:04:29,328 --> 00:04:31,753
And no good Christian
believes in sex before marriage,
104
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:34,172
except for every minister or
politician you've ever heard of.
105
00:04:34,257 --> 00:04:37,517
But-but you scratched my
spot. Y-You have tattoos.
106
00:04:37,669 --> 00:04:39,987
Yeah. Of Bible verses.
107
00:04:42,098 --> 00:04:43,949
Brian, I think you should leave.
108
00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:45,117
Well, fine. And frankly,
109
00:04:45,268 --> 00:04:47,119
I've been wanting
to do this all night.
110
00:04:48,013 --> 00:04:49,513
My Jesus! Mine!
111
00:04:49,531 --> 00:04:52,182
Hey, you can't do
that to our savior.
112
00:04:52,275 --> 00:04:55,711
Okay, okay,
your savior. Your savior.
113
00:04:58,540 --> 00:05:00,966
We now
return to a show about incest.
114
00:05:01,193 --> 00:05:03,043
- Gross. - Set 500 years ago.
115
00:05:03,119 --> 00:05:05,712
Ooh, sexy. I feel
so sophisticated.
116
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,047
Christianity sucks.
117
00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:09,141
It's stupid, arbitrary nonsense.
118
00:05:09,292 --> 00:05:11,047
You're horny and she
wouldn't have sex with you.
119
00:05:11,127 --> 00:05:12,644
No. And I did everything right.
120
00:05:12,871 --> 00:05:13,961
I even researched
abortion clinics
121
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,129
in case the condom broke.
122
00:05:15,298 --> 00:05:17,357
Yeah, no, I know.
It's in your Twitter bio.
123
00:05:21,137 --> 00:05:22,470
Fine, but look around.
124
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,881
So much of the division
and hatred in today's society
125
00:05:24,974 --> 00:05:27,567
comes from Christianity.
And it's so hypocritical.
126
00:05:27,719 --> 00:05:29,808
I mean, they all vote for Trump,
even though he's divorced.
127
00:05:29,888 --> 00:05:31,128
That's all you've got on Trump?
128
00:05:31,223 --> 00:05:34,240
Christianity is also
anti-science, anti-freedom...
129
00:05:34,393 --> 00:05:35,742
Come on, it's not all bad.
130
00:05:35,878 --> 00:05:39,171
I mean, I have a Swarthy Men
of Nazareth advent calendar
131
00:05:39,398 --> 00:05:41,898
with doors opening
for all 25 days.
132
00:05:41,991 --> 00:05:44,676
Talk about the "stars"
of Bethlehem, hey, Bri?
133
00:05:44,828 --> 00:05:46,586
Whatever. Christianity
is the worst thing
134
00:05:46,738 --> 00:05:48,996
that ever happened to
this country. Or the world.
135
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:51,183
Well, perhaps. But it's
been around for 2,000 years,
136
00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:53,518
so it's not like there's
anything you can do about it.
137
00:05:53,745 --> 00:05:54,745
Well, I'm going to bed.
138
00:05:54,838 --> 00:05:56,092
I'll leave you to
watch John Oliver
139
00:05:56,172 --> 00:05:57,522
and agree with yourself.
140
00:05:57,749 --> 00:06:00,675
Good. Love John Oliver.
He's a louder Jon Stewart.
141
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:04,754
Blimey, guv'na.
Republicans are bollocks.
142
00:06:04,756 --> 00:06:06,198
God, the British are smart.
143
00:06:06,425 --> 00:06:09,259
But, man, if only I could
get rid of Christianity.
144
00:06:09,277 --> 00:06:10,427
If only I could go back in time
145
00:06:10,445 --> 00:06:12,612
and stop it from
ever taking root.
146
00:06:12,764 --> 00:06:14,598
Wait a minute, I can.
147
00:06:16,025 --> 00:06:17,450
Sounds like Brian is fixin'
148
00:06:17,603 --> 00:06:19,360
to use Stewie's time machine.
149
00:06:19,454 --> 00:06:21,195
I'm Mayor West,
and my voice was sped up
150
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:22,964
because the show ran too long.
151
00:06:36,788 --> 00:06:38,968
This time
machine is password-protected.
152
00:06:39,048 --> 00:06:40,715
To enter, state name.
153
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,734
Stewie Griffin.
154
00:06:42,961 --> 00:06:44,794
To prove you're Stewie Griffin,
155
00:06:44,813 --> 00:06:46,646
what is your
favorite Lizzo song?
156
00:06:46,723 --> 00:06:49,816
The one about pride and,
157
00:06:49,968 --> 00:06:52,135
being a... a-a big girl?
158
00:06:52,228 --> 00:06:53,495
Correct.
159
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,083
Perfect. Ancient Israel.
160
00:07:18,180 --> 00:07:19,496
What the hell?
161
00:07:19,589 --> 00:07:20,680
Has anyone seen Brian?
162
00:07:20,832 --> 00:07:22,256
I want to shred it to Lizzo.
163
00:07:22,350 --> 00:07:24,000
Yeah, I'm that bitch.
164
00:07:35,530 --> 00:07:38,181
Excuse me? I-I'm
looking for a rail-thin guy
165
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:39,975
with long hair and sandals.
166
00:07:39,977 --> 00:07:42,443
Buddy, you're gonna
have to be more specific.
167
00:07:42,463 --> 00:07:44,871
His name is
Jesus. Jesus Christ.
168
00:07:45,023 --> 00:07:48,041
You mean the guy who showed
his wiener on a dare at camp?
169
00:07:48,193 --> 00:07:50,117
Tha-That's-that's
what he's known for?
170
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,954
Yeah, he lives about
M-M-L-X-V-I paces that way.
171
00:07:53,031 --> 00:07:54,531
- What?
- Don't listen to him.
172
00:07:54,624 --> 00:07:57,550
He's Roman. I'm
Egyptian, and I can tell you,
173
00:07:57,703 --> 00:08:01,796
Jesus lives four cat heads and
three squiggly lines that way.
174
00:08:01,848 --> 00:08:03,389
No, no, no, these
guys are jokers.
175
00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:06,710
I'm Greek, and I can tell
you he's 30 thetas that way.
176
00:08:06,728 --> 00:08:08,320
You go 31 thetas, you stop,
177
00:08:08,471 --> 00:08:10,572
because that's too many thetas.
178
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,975
- Brian, there you are.
- Stewie?
179
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,077
- How the hell did you find me?
- You're chipped.
180
00:08:17,556 --> 00:08:18,888
Wow, that's a good chip.
181
00:08:18,907 --> 00:08:21,166
Look, I'm sorry I used the
time machine without asking,
182
00:08:21,393 --> 00:08:24,169
but I came here to stop
Jesus from starting Christianity.
183
00:08:24,396 --> 00:08:25,912
What? Come on,
you know the rules.
184
00:08:26,064 --> 00:08:27,339
You can't change the past.
185
00:08:27,566 --> 00:08:29,206
Even the smallest
interaction with someone
186
00:08:29,325 --> 00:08:30,825
from another time
period can alter...
187
00:08:30,902 --> 00:08:33,570
My God, that's December
8th from the calendar!
188
00:08:33,663 --> 00:08:34,829
I have to interact with him.
189
00:08:34,923 --> 00:08:36,589
I thought you said we
couldn't change the past.
190
00:08:36,666 --> 00:08:38,254
Yeah, just try to
keep it close, all right?
191
00:08:38,334 --> 00:08:40,243
Just keep it close,
Bri. You got this.
192
00:08:40,262 --> 00:08:42,062
You got this. I trust you, bro.
193
00:08:46,251 --> 00:08:48,935
"Spicy meatball
delights patron."
194
00:08:49,104 --> 00:08:51,988
No one reports
real news anymore.
195
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,941
All right, found you.
196
00:08:55,093 --> 00:08:57,452
Now it's time to take you down.
197
00:09:00,115 --> 00:09:02,282
Behold. As my wedding gift,
198
00:09:02,434 --> 00:09:05,377
I turn this water into wine.
199
00:09:07,105 --> 00:09:08,621
- All right!
- Amazing!
200
00:09:08,774 --> 00:09:11,216
And I brought hard
seltzer and a photo booth.
201
00:09:11,443 --> 00:09:13,034
Yeah, that's even better!
202
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,627
Hard seltzer has less calories.
203
00:09:14,704 --> 00:09:17,538
And now there's an activity for
people who don't like to dance.
204
00:09:17,632 --> 00:09:21,375
Then, I-I also
brought a guest book,
205
00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:23,728
so everyone can leave a fun note
206
00:09:23,838 --> 00:09:25,438
for the bride and groom.
207
00:09:26,975 --> 00:09:29,526
Okay, fine, a photo
booth is better.
208
00:09:35,725 --> 00:09:37,984
Blessed are the poor in spirit,
209
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,911
for theirs is the
kingdom of heaven...
210
00:09:40,063 --> 00:09:40,912
Hey, Jesus.
211
00:09:41,064 --> 00:09:42,581
Nice mount.
212
00:09:42,732 --> 00:09:45,308
He's on a higher hill, which
shows more confidence.
213
00:09:45,401 --> 00:09:47,977
You again? What the
hell is your problem?
214
00:09:47,996 --> 00:09:49,495
Me? What the hell
is your problem?
215
00:09:49,664 --> 00:09:51,906
You're always telling
everyone what to do and think.
216
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,407
You think I want
to do this stuff?
217
00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:55,985
I only do it because
my dad makes me.
218
00:09:56,004 --> 00:09:57,670
Wait, Joseph makes you do this?
219
00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,322
No, my real dad.
220
00:09:59,415 --> 00:10:02,158
When I was younger,
Joseph took a paternity test.
221
00:10:02,327 --> 00:10:05,586
We have the
results, and, Joseph,
222
00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:07,272
you are not the father.
223
00:10:07,423 --> 00:10:10,850
Yes! Yes! Yes! I
knew it! I knew it!
224
00:10:11,002 --> 00:10:14,279
Maury! Maury! Maury!
225
00:10:18,434 --> 00:10:22,120
So, anyway, yeah, all this
messiah stuff is my dad's thing.
226
00:10:22,271 --> 00:10:25,014
Hi, I have a hummus
plate for Jesus?
227
00:10:25,033 --> 00:10:26,516
Cool.
228
00:10:26,534 --> 00:10:29,127
Okay, I guess
it's for both of us.
229
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:32,021
Well, if you don't want to be a
messiah, what do you want to do?
230
00:10:32,023 --> 00:10:34,691
Honestly, I want to be
a stand-up comedian.
231
00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:37,502
- Really?
- Yeah. Like my friend Jackie the Mason
232
00:10:37,654 --> 00:10:40,621
or Lewis the Blacksmith
or Chris the Rock-Piler.
233
00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:43,475
You know, we can ask
for another menu if...
234
00:10:43,626 --> 00:10:44,976
Yeah, I'm not that hungry.
235
00:10:45,203 --> 00:10:47,145
So, why didn't you
do comedy, then?
236
00:10:47,296 --> 00:10:48,872
I guess I never
had the confidence.
237
00:10:48,890 --> 00:10:50,482
I couldn't even
come up with jokes.
238
00:10:50,709 --> 00:10:54,301
Yikes. Check
out Julius Sneezer over there.
239
00:10:54,396 --> 00:10:55,396
Ha! Totally.
240
00:10:55,547 --> 00:10:56,818
Hey, you know,
that's pretty funny.
241
00:10:56,898 --> 00:10:58,490
What was? That comment?
242
00:10:59,718 --> 00:11:01,475
Whoa. Who Sepharted?
243
00:11:01,569 --> 00:11:04,496
Ha! Hey, you know, I think you
should give comedy another shot.
244
00:11:04,723 --> 00:11:07,223
Come on, does anyone really
want to watch a Jewish guy
245
00:11:07,242 --> 00:11:09,167
make snarky observations?
246
00:11:09,394 --> 00:11:12,412
I-I think, that a lot of
people would enjoy that, yes.
247
00:11:12,564 --> 00:11:15,322
Then maybe I
should try comedy again.
248
00:11:15,491 --> 00:11:18,009
Only thing is, I'd
have to talk to my dad.
249
00:11:23,833 --> 00:11:26,576
Wow, I went to a party
in this city called Sodom.
250
00:11:26,636 --> 00:11:28,912
Have you heard of this place?
251
00:11:28,930 --> 00:11:30,096
So, how's your plan going?
252
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,839
Not great so far.
253
00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:33,082
A comedian?
254
00:11:33,101 --> 00:11:34,584
How could you do
this to your mother?
255
00:11:34,677 --> 00:11:35,843
What's next?
256
00:11:36,012 --> 00:11:37,937
You don't want to marry
your very close cousin?
257
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,014
Of course not.
In fact, right now
258
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,942
I'm weirdly seeing a prostitute
with the same name as Mom.
259
00:11:44,538 --> 00:11:47,021
Come on, Dad,
comedy is my dream.
260
00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:49,098
Well, why couldn't you have
told me about your dream
261
00:11:49,117 --> 00:11:50,934
before I paid for
ancient Brandeis?
262
00:11:50,936 --> 00:11:52,268
You made me go there.
263
00:11:52,287 --> 00:11:54,528
You know, nothing I do is
ever good enough for you.
264
00:11:54,622 --> 00:11:56,456
Why don't you just
say it? You hate me.
265
00:11:56,608 --> 00:11:58,699
And you wish I had
died in the Punic Wars
266
00:11:58,793 --> 00:12:00,343
instead of my brother Greg.
267
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,871
That's not true! I
love you both equally!
268
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:05,203
Then why won't
you touch his room?
269
00:12:05,283 --> 00:12:06,632
You stay out of Greg's room!
270
00:12:06,785 --> 00:12:08,209
I have to do something.
271
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,544
It's God. How could you
possibly change his mind?
272
00:12:10,564 --> 00:12:13,064
You will never do
stand-up comedy. I forbid it.
273
00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:16,568
Wait. What's that sound?
274
00:12:27,489 --> 00:12:29,305
That's really good
sound quality.
275
00:12:29,324 --> 00:12:31,416
- Yeah, it's the new iPhone.
- You got a new one?
276
00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:34,419
We agreed to update at the end
of the year, as Christmas gifts.
277
00:12:34,570 --> 00:12:36,646
Well, I was in the mall
and I saw a promotion.
278
00:12:36,739 --> 00:12:38,314
You didn't tell me
about this promotion.
279
00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:40,071
I-I'm sorry, I didn't
realize I had to tell you
280
00:12:40,151 --> 00:12:41,909
every thought
that comes into my head.
281
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:44,078
Okay, there we go,
Brian makes a mistake,
282
00:12:44,247 --> 00:12:46,990
so instead of apologizing,
he lashes out with hostility.
283
00:12:47,008 --> 00:12:49,416
And Stewie's a victim.
There's a big surprise.
284
00:12:49,511 --> 00:12:51,661
I'm a victim because you
constantly screw me over.
285
00:12:51,830 --> 00:12:54,163
You know what? Now I wish I
hadn't even played this song.
286
00:12:54,182 --> 00:12:55,832
I wish I hadn't even
come back in time.
287
00:12:56,001 --> 00:12:57,081
Because I can't do anything
288
00:12:57,168 --> 00:12:58,684
without you making
it about yourself.
289
00:12:58,853 --> 00:13:00,094
God, I regret our friendship.
290
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,521
You are a catastrophe
of a human.
291
00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:03,097
Hey, they made up.
292
00:13:21,617 --> 00:13:23,543
Well, it's great to be
here in Rome, folks.
293
00:13:23,695 --> 00:13:26,453
You know, I heard
that the, Roman Senate
294
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:29,048
just voted to build more
cobblestone streets.
295
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,701
Great. Do my balls get a vote?
296
00:13:33,371 --> 00:13:36,722
And how about that Caesar,
Gotta love Caesar.
297
00:13:36,875 --> 00:13:38,483
Great salad, great haircut,
298
00:13:38,710 --> 00:13:40,726
and loves cutting
women's bellies open.
299
00:13:42,063 --> 00:13:44,047
Look at him there, in
the Caesarian section.
300
00:13:44,140 --> 00:13:45,490
They're laughing their ass off.
301
00:13:45,641 --> 00:13:47,325
I do. I do love that.
302
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,552
And you know what they
say, "When in Rome."
303
00:13:49,571 --> 00:13:52,330
Well, based on my
one day here so far,
304
00:13:52,481 --> 00:13:55,908
I guess that means I should
be pooping in the street.
305
00:13:56,061 --> 00:13:58,670
He's right. That
is a problem here.
306
00:13:58,821 --> 00:14:01,914
But seriously, folks, Rome
sure beats anywhere else.
307
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,583
You guys follow politics?
308
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:06,327
'Cause it seems like they've
made a real mess of Potamia.
309
00:14:09,165 --> 00:14:12,183
But don't fret, folks, it's
not all bad news out there.
310
00:14:12,293 --> 00:14:14,561
You know how there are
seven wonders of the world?
311
00:14:14,670 --> 00:14:16,310
Well, turns out they
just found an eighth.
312
00:14:16,414 --> 00:14:19,415
A Galatian who paid his bar tab.
313
00:14:19,417 --> 00:14:21,025
Galatia is our rival.
314
00:14:21,177 --> 00:14:22,919
But enough about politics.
315
00:14:23,012 --> 00:14:24,937
Let me tell you a
little bit about me.
316
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:27,365
So, my dad's God.
317
00:14:28,351 --> 00:14:29,759
Thank you, thank you.
318
00:14:29,777 --> 00:14:32,945
And growing up, he taught
me all about carpentry. Yeah.
319
00:14:33,098 --> 00:14:34,873
I guess he thought teenage boys
320
00:14:35,024 --> 00:14:37,709
should spend more
time rubbing wood.
321
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,045
And my mom's a virgin.
322
00:14:41,272 --> 00:14:42,529
That's fun. Yeah,
323
00:14:42,607 --> 00:14:45,383
when I was a teenager,
I had to give her the talk.
324
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,465
Wow, he's killing it.
325
00:14:52,617 --> 00:14:54,392
Yeah, I bet he plays
everywhere now.
326
00:14:54,543 --> 00:14:55,602
He's gonna be huge.
327
00:14:59,457 --> 00:15:00,973
- What happened?
- He told a joke
328
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,067
about Assyrians on
a college campus.
329
00:15:03,219 --> 00:15:04,619
Yeah, you can't do that anymore.
330
00:15:04,796 --> 00:15:07,071
This first millennial
generation is very sensitive.
331
00:15:07,298 --> 00:15:09,054
- Clearly.
- All right, don't make it obvious,
332
00:15:09,134 --> 00:15:10,992
but get a picture
of me with him.
333
00:15:12,095 --> 00:15:13,653
- Do one more.
- Stewie, we're done.
334
00:15:13,805 --> 00:15:15,729
Mission accomplished and
Christianity never happened,
335
00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:18,750
so I'm pretty sure the present
will be just how I want it.
336
00:15:18,826 --> 00:15:20,192
Hi, Peter here.
337
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,253
If you've seen our time
travel episodes before,
338
00:15:22,405 --> 00:15:24,010
you know that can't
possibly be the case.
339
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:26,407
I can't tell you what's
going to happen, though,
340
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,073
because the network
needs you to stick around
341
00:15:28,153 --> 00:15:29,335
through the Del Taco ads.
342
00:15:29,487 --> 00:15:30,833
You know, if you
bought all the ingredients
343
00:15:30,913 --> 00:15:33,431
for tacos yourself, it
would cost like 40 bucks,
344
00:15:33,582 --> 00:15:36,309
but somehow, at Del Taco,
you can buy one for 80 cents.
345
00:15:53,861 --> 00:15:55,286
- Damn it.
- What? What's wrong?
346
00:15:55,513 --> 00:15:57,196
Every time I enter
into a new reality,
347
00:15:57,365 --> 00:15:59,348
I'm hoping my room
has wainscoting.
348
00:15:59,517 --> 00:16:01,108
But I guess it's more boring,
349
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,419
single-textured
walls for Stewie.
350
00:16:05,948 --> 00:16:08,024
Wow, so far,
without Christianity,
351
00:16:08,193 --> 00:16:09,375
everything looks the same.
352
00:16:10,378 --> 00:16:12,545
Morning, Brian. Hey,
where's your yarmulke?
353
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:13,863
What?
354
00:16:13,881 --> 00:16:15,122
Morning, Doctor Son.
355
00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:16,641
Morning, Doctor Dad.
356
00:16:16,868 --> 00:16:18,034
Morning, Doctor Wife.
357
00:16:18,052 --> 00:16:19,719
Morning, Doctor Husband.
358
00:16:19,871 --> 00:16:21,370
My God. They're all Jewish.
359
00:16:21,389 --> 00:16:24,040
Whoa. Listen to your tone.
360
00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:25,391
No, no, no. No tone at all.
361
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,409
Because Christianity
never happened,
362
00:16:27,411 --> 00:16:29,045
Judaism became
the dominant faith,
363
00:16:29,063 --> 00:16:30,880
and I have zero
problem with that.
364
00:16:30,898 --> 00:16:32,231
Why, do you have a problem?
365
00:16:32,383 --> 00:16:33,974
No, I don't have a
problem. Far from it.
366
00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:36,643
What the yidle-diddle-diddle-
didle-deuce?
367
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:40,406
Well, I'm off to school in
my regular-star necklace.
368
00:16:40,558 --> 00:16:41,332
I'm leaving, too.
369
00:16:41,484 --> 00:16:43,726
Mom, Dad, I need
some new clothes.
370
00:16:43,745 --> 00:16:44,894
Is it okay if I stop at
371
00:16:45,063 --> 00:16:46,983
Ross Dress for the Same
Price as Everywhere Else?
372
00:16:47,065 --> 00:16:48,914
Of course, honey.
Ooh, and maybe tonight
373
00:16:49,083 --> 00:16:51,083
we can all go see
that new movie starring
374
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:54,328
Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller
and half of Scarlett Johansson.
375
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,830
So, you think
everyone is Jewish now?
376
00:16:56,999 --> 00:16:59,166
Morning, Griffins.
It's me, your neighbor,
377
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:01,185
Sammy Davis Brown Jr.
378
00:17:01,412 --> 00:17:02,503
I suppose so.
379
00:17:02,597 --> 00:17:05,248
Wow, I guess a lot of
history has changed now.
380
00:17:05,266 --> 00:17:07,341
No World War II, no
conflict in the Middle East.
381
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,252
Hell, there was even
a Jewish Columbus.
382
00:17:09,345 --> 00:17:12,530
We did it. We discovered
New York, Miami,
383
00:17:12,757 --> 00:17:13,923
and Filene's Basement.
384
00:17:13,941 --> 00:17:15,033
Yay!
385
00:17:15,184 --> 00:17:17,493
Slacks, slacks, slacks, slacks!
386
00:17:21,599 --> 00:17:23,541
Lot more sweater
shops in this reality.
387
00:17:23,768 --> 00:17:26,693
Yeah, and there's a billboard
for The Normal Mrs. Maisel.
388
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,254
Here we are.
389
00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:34,293
Shalom, Brian.
390
00:17:34,370 --> 00:17:37,204
Boy, this town has
good medical care.
391
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:38,872
Are you sure I'm
allowed to be in here?
392
00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,283
Yeah, without Christianity,
393
00:17:40,301 --> 00:17:42,376
there are no arbitrary
rules about age limits.
394
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,062
Hey, you guys hear the new joke?
395
00:17:44,138 --> 00:17:46,880
A rabbi, a rabbi, and
a rabbi walk into a bar
396
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,549
and split a seltzer.
397
00:17:48,643 --> 00:17:50,459
It's free refills.
398
00:17:50,553 --> 00:17:52,812
Why pay for three?
399
00:17:53,815 --> 00:17:55,978
All right, what does everyone
want to hear on the jukebox?
400
00:17:56,058 --> 00:17:57,650
They've got "Sweet Caroline,"
401
00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:58,818
"Sweet Caroline Remix,"
402
00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:00,803
and "Sweet Caroline A Cappella."
403
00:18:00,822 --> 00:18:02,563
Shalom, boys.
404
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,490
Shalom. How are you?
405
00:18:04,567 --> 00:18:06,976
Not good. I'm
allergic to my horse.
406
00:18:06,994 --> 00:18:08,235
Hey, Bri, I got the remote.
407
00:18:08,329 --> 00:18:09,921
Let's see what
television is like.
408
00:18:10,148 --> 00:18:11,997
And now, the Channel Five News,
409
00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:14,575
brought to you by
Kentucky Boiled Chicken.
410
00:18:14,669 --> 00:18:16,319
Kentucky Boiled Chicken:
411
00:18:16,321 --> 00:18:19,263
all herbs, no spices 'cause
you already burp enough.
412
00:18:19,415 --> 00:18:20,840
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker
413
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:22,433
and welcome to Channel Five,
414
00:18:22,660 --> 00:18:25,586
where, as always, 80%
of our news is the weather.
415
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,088
But first, with sports,
here's my brother Lenny,
416
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:29,849
who my mom forced me to hire.
417
00:18:30,001 --> 00:18:31,167
I-I'm sorry, Tom,
418
00:18:31,185 --> 00:18:32,515
I didn't have time
to check the scores.
419
00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:35,279
Well, there's a
friggin' shocker, folks.
420
00:18:39,193 --> 00:18:40,601
Afternoon, Brian.
421
00:18:40,678 --> 00:18:43,121
Hey, Mort. Why
is your voice so deep?
422
00:18:43,272 --> 00:18:44,513
Why shouldn't it be?
423
00:18:44,532 --> 00:18:46,106
Millennia of not
running from people
424
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,868
has made me remarkably
confident and relaxed.
425
00:18:49,020 --> 00:18:50,962
You know, I like Jewish Quahog.
426
00:18:51,189 --> 00:18:52,460
Yeah, we did a
good thing, Stewie.
427
00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:54,799
A Jewish world is much
better than a Christian one.
428
00:18:54,984 --> 00:18:58,386
There are no absurd, stifling
rules driving everyone crazy.
429
00:18:59,364 --> 00:19:00,471
There you guys are.
430
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,457
It's almost sundown, so
let's turn off our devices
431
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,643
- and walk three miles to temple.
- What?
432
00:19:05,870 --> 00:19:07,770
Ha! You were saying, Brian?
433
00:19:08,556 --> 00:19:09,814
We have to go back in time
434
00:19:10,041 --> 00:19:12,633
and stop Moses from receiving
the Ten Commandments.
435
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:16,303
That way, neither Judaism
nor Christianity will ever exist.
436
00:19:16,397 --> 00:19:17,488
On it.
437
00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:20,900
- Done.
- How'd you do that so fast?
438
00:19:20,994 --> 00:19:22,994
I gave Moses 20
bucks to walk away.
439
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:24,387
And before you say anything,
440
00:19:24,405 --> 00:19:25,812
that was a lot of
money back then.
441
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,373
Anyone would have done it.
442
00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:33,078
Happy November 25th.
443
00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:35,898
Only 30 shopping
days till nothing.
444
00:19:35,917 --> 00:19:37,008
Brian, it worked.
445
00:19:37,159 --> 00:19:38,414
That's only half
the story, Stewie.
446
00:19:38,494 --> 00:19:39,660
Let's make sure.
447
00:19:40,571 --> 00:19:42,513
Hey, guys? Who
does Mel Gibson hate?
448
00:19:42,665 --> 00:19:45,424
All of his ex-wives,
but no generalized group.
449
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,501
It did work.
Finally, a world with
450
00:19:47,595 --> 00:19:51,022
no religion, no prejudices,
no irrationalities.
451
00:19:51,249 --> 00:19:53,524
Just science-based reason.
452
00:19:54,752 --> 00:19:55,935
Package for Brian and Stewie?
453
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,361
Yeah, that's us.
454
00:19:57,588 --> 00:19:59,438
What did you do,
you little twerps?
455
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:00,532
My God. God!
456
00:20:00,683 --> 00:20:01,757
Fix it. Fix it.
457
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:03,272
Fix it. Fix it. Fix it. Fix it.
458
00:20:03,352 --> 00:20:04,849
It was his idea! It's
not even my machine!
459
00:20:04,929 --> 00:20:07,446
You don't think Einstein and
Carl Sagan tried this crap?
460
00:20:07,598 --> 00:20:09,040
I had to send them
to Noogie City.
461
00:20:09,191 --> 00:20:10,296
Is that where you want to live?
462
00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:12,451
Noogie City?
'Cause I can take you there.
463
00:20:12,603 --> 00:20:13,694
I got the keys, hoss.
464
00:20:15,273 --> 00:20:16,805
Is this all religion is?
465
00:20:16,865 --> 00:20:18,049
Threatening to noogie people
466
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,530
if they dare to think
for themselves?
467
00:20:19,610 --> 00:20:21,961
Yes. I'm basically Biff
from Back to the Future,
468
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,370
and you're all George McFly.
469
00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:25,219
All right, I got to take a
picture of the package
470
00:20:25,299 --> 00:20:26,962
on your doorstep, or
they don't believe me.
471
00:20:27,042 --> 00:20:28,226
You're really a delivery man?
472
00:20:28,377 --> 00:20:29,969
Yeah. No collection plate.
473
00:20:30,121 --> 00:20:31,804
I got to pay for Dish
Network somehow.
474
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,898
Boy, we really
messed with this guy.
475
00:20:34,125 --> 00:20:35,716
I guess we should
go fix it, Brian.
476
00:20:35,810 --> 00:20:36,901
You know what? No.
477
00:20:37,128 --> 00:20:39,403
A world without religion
is a world that values
478
00:20:39,555 --> 00:20:42,298
reason and logic to better
the world for everyone.
479
00:20:42,316 --> 00:20:43,979
And I'm not gonna
let some two-bit boomer...
480
00:20:44,059 --> 00:20:45,892
Yeah, you heard me...
Tell us otherwise.
481
00:20:57,043 --> 00:20:59,043
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