Original subtitles

Ever since my evil stepmother turned my vagina into a monster,

I felt like people were disgusted by me and my octopussois.

Oh, god!

I had to give up my dream of being crowned miss toddler beauty queen

After they added the thong competition.

Hi, mom!

Even the time I visited the circus was a total disaster.

Step right up and see the fantastic never vomit guy.

Ooh, I got to see this.

Gosh darn.

Why, oh, why can't I have a normal temple of chastity?

[sighs]

[rumbling]

What the--

Princess clara, you have been selected

To receive an extreme vaginal makeover!

This is wonderful.

Hey, it's that douche bag, ty pennington.

Ooh, check it out.

I just got this new wind-up ducky.

Its feet actually paddles through the water.

Ooh, let's try it out in the bathtub.

[both laughing]

Huh?

[gasps]

Why are you killing yourself this time, toot?

It's my birthday, and nobody remembered.

I'm old and fat and ugly, and everybody hates me.

Hmm. Maybe people hate you because you won't get out of their bathtub

So they can play with their duckies.

Aah!

Eww!

I actually felt awful we forgot toot's birthday.

We had to do something to cheer her up.

Oh, hey, hero, I was thinking

Maybe we should throw toot a surprise birthday party.

If we're all gonna shout out what we're thinking,

I've been thinking about paying a prostitute to shove bowling pins up my ass.

Announcer: to fix clara's vagina,

We brought in the esteemed dr. Wooldoor sockbat

Who specializes in weird vaginas and armenian noses.

Clara, this com-pu-ter

Will help us choose the right type of vagina for you.

Clara: mmm. Mmm.

No. No. No. No. No.

No thanks

Uh-uhh. I don't think so.

No. No definitely not.

Hmm. Oh. I'll take that one.

Let's begin by anesthetizing the patient.

Announcer: to restore princess clara's vagina to human form,

Clara was to undergo several procedures:

Vaginal laser resurfacing,

Labial botox,

Quadruple pie-pass,

Fallopial suction,

A poon-tang-ectomy,

Vulva veneers,

A frontal lay-botomy,

Collagen lip-plants,

A queef muffler,

A fresh coat of taint,

A hot beef injection,

And quite frankly, a shave wouldn't hurt...

When extreme vaginal makeover returns.

Surprise!

Duh. What did you guys do? What's going on in here?

She doesn't seem to know what's going on

When it's clear this is a surprise party.

Maybe her age is finally catching up to her.

Well, she is from the '20s,

Which would make her...

Uh...Um...

Uh...

Um...

Uh...

Uh...

Um...

This is from all of us.

Oh, my god. What is it?

She don't even know what presents are.

Oh! A picture of a vase.

That is obviously a picture of 2 people's faces.

What is wrong with her?

Toot wasn't herself. She was confused.

She was disoriented. It can only mean one thing.

Toot has the alzheimer's.

Oh!

Glove.

Light.

Scalpel.

And now for the first incision.

Clara's surgery went well

With a few minor complications.

Aah!

Aah!

Ohhh!

Aah!

[groaning]

Gun.

Announcer: when we return,

We'll reveal clara's brand-new thing-a-ma-gigi.

Old age had caught up to toot,

And her brain was going fast.

We didn't know what to do.

Mrs. Braunstein,

Maybe this party is a bit much for you right now!

Perhaps you should go to bed!

Why? It's only 6:00.

She's a terrible, terrible burden on us all.

We discussed the situation at length

Until we all agreed we had to do the right thing.

Later!

[groans]

Seriously, I don't belong here.

I don't have alzheimer's. Ouch!

Don't worry. You'll forget that.

Here's the rec room

Where you'll forget the last days of your miserable life.

[cackling]

[muttering] [groaning]

[gargling]

[farting]

Please. Please don't leave me with these crazies.

All clear.

What the h-e-double fried mozzarella sticks is going on here?

Announcer: and now that we've returned, this happens.

Oh, my goodness.

My whites-only drinking fountain is just beautiful.

Sorry, fellas. We can't show you clara's pink sink.

Don't blame us. Blame the fcc,

Which stands for faggoty, cock blocking, clam fuckers.

Whee!

I thought you were all alzheimer's old farts.

Ah, no. Our brains are fine and dandy.

Alzheimer's disease doesn't really exist.

We old folks just made it up

So our families would put us in these here nursing homes.

The fools.

You guys are faking alzheimer's just so you can live here?

Why the fuck would you wanna do that?

¶ you'll get a fun-filled dose of meds ¶

¶ I'm the lizard king ¶ you certainly are.

¶ a colored nurse will sponge your rear ¶

¶ I'm a goddamn mess down there ¶

¶ be as mean as you want to the underpaid help ¶

If you don't like it, go to college, paco.

¶ I'll really love being abandoned here ¶

¶ eat in bed ¶

¶ get spoon-fed ¶

¶ each and every meal ¶

¶ jell-o cubes, feeding tubes ¶

¶ is this place for real? ¶

¶ no need to deal with snotty grandkids ¶

Yeah! I hate those little bastards!

¶ all your responsibilities will disappear ¶

Later, tampons!

¶ if you like free drugs and cake ¶

¶ the alzheimer's is great ¶

¶ you'll really love being abandoned here ¶

¶ alzheimer's ¶

¶ it's fake ¶

So, you see, mrs. Toot,

You must never reveal our secret,

Or we'll have to leave this place and contribute to society.

You mean, if I fake the alzheimer's,

I can even crap anywhere I want?

That's right, toot.

It's just like living on a japanese schoolgirl.

I was overjoyed with my beautiful new faith flower.

And then I noticed that it looked a little...Well, plump.

Just to be sure I asked for some other opinions.

[speaking japanese]

[gasps] it's adorable! What is it?

Now, you gots a fine lookin' flesh sangwich.

I didn't care what the choriental, the sodomite, or the ethiopite had to say.

I knew my church door was too fat and I had to fix it.

But, clara, there's nothing wrong with your giggi.

You fix my crotch stigmata right now, or I'll sue.

Go ahead. I'll just countersue.

Well, I'll hire the smartest jew in jewtown.

Well, I'll hire the smartest jew in the jew s.A.

Well, I'll hire the smartest jew in the jew-niverse.

[gasps] you'd really hire a. Goldblatt from space shuttle 34?

[sighs] I guess I'd better do the operation.

[groaning]

[laughing]

[munching]

[slurping]

[belches]

All clear.

Wow. You're good at this.

You seemed crazier than all of us while that orderly was in here.

What orderly?

[ringing]

Hello.

Hey, toot, it's for you.

He sounds queer.

What do you want?

Hi, toot.

We just wanted to make sure

They're taking good care of you.

They're taking better care of me than you assholes.

Asshole? No, no, no. It's xandir.

Remember me?

You must be confused because of the alzheimer's.

You gay-tard. Alzheimer's isn't even a real disease.

So screw you!

She has revealed the alzheimer's secret

And has broken the gray code.

She must be eliminated.

Are you sure?

Gary broke the gray code and we just made him sit in the corner.

I said eliminated!

Dr. Wooldoor did a great job fixing my husband hole.

Oh! I just adore it.

It's so much slimmer now.

Wait. What's that?

That's just a freckle.

Sweet jesus. Get rid of it. Now.

Relax, clara. Lots of pussies have freckles.

Like ron howard.

Fix it. Fix it. Fix it!

[sighs]

So I performed yet another surgery

On clara's wormhole to the crab nebula.

It's just gorgeous.

Wait? Are those crow's feet?

Fix it!

I spent weeks working on clara's hairy homentashen,

But she kept finding new problems.

Now it's too pink.

Too squinty. Too wide.

Too shiny. Too hairy.

Too slimy. Too upside down.

Too tight. Too pimply.

Too country kitchen. Too invisible.

Too dimensional. Too pock.

Too cavernous.

[echoing] cavernous. Cavernous.

Cavernous.

Finally, I've done all the plastic surgery that was humanly possible.

This is it, clara.

Your vagina can't handle any more surgery.

I hope you like the results.

Aah! It looks like joan rivers!

Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing?

Who are you wearing?

Life at the old-age home was pretty sweet.

I was wiping away my miserable past,

Which was the only thing I had to wipe by myself.

My new senior friends even got me a birthday present.

Oh, my god! What is it?

Ooh! A brand-new, shiny walker.

Vroom! Vroom!

¶ de, na, da, da, da, ne ¶

¶ ba na na na ba na na na ¶

Uh-oh.

My brakes have been cut. Help!

Please help!

You should've kept your mouth shut, mister.

Eeh! Eeh! Waah!

Eeh! Eeh!

Eeh! Eeh! Waah!

Eeh! Eeh!

Aah!

Waah! Eeh!

Aah!

Well, that's the last we'll see of her.

No one could ever survive a 10-foot fall into the trampoline garden.

[grunting]

Nice try, geezers,

But toot don't die that easy!

Waggh!

[grunting]

So long, suckers!

She's getting away.

Don't worry. We'll find her,

Even if we have to check every five and dime,

Speakeasy, vaudeville theater,

Lead paint store, and negro baseball park

In all 42 states.

I have an even better idea.

[line ringing]

Hello. Bobo fett?

The problem with clara's lox box was very common.

Too much plastic surgery often results in joan rivers.

Honey, can we talk?

Fix it!

I'm sorry, clara, but I wouldn't dare attempt more surgery.

You wouldn't want it to look like kevin spacey's vagina.

Look, can't you just put my original one back in?

Well, I could do that.

But your old octopussois is sort of...Gone.

What do you mean, "gone"? What happened to it?

Well, he's moved on, clara.

Here's all the information we have.

Leap...

Frog.

Leap...

Frog.

Toot.

Those old farts cut the brakes on my walker.

They're trying to kill me!

Whoa. Wow. Her alzheimer's must be getting really bad.

You'd think she'd forget to eat a couple of meals.

Am I right?

Don't worry, miss braunstein!

We'll take good care of you.

[wheels screeching]

Later!

Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing?

Can we talk? No. My daughter doesn't wanna play fetch.

My new vagina was insufferable.

So I went to the address wooldoor gave me

To track down my old octopussois.

Clara?

Please, I need you back.

My new vagina is too much to bear.

Oh, I'm sorry, clara, but I don't wanna go back.

That surgery was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

I found a new confidence.

I went back to college.

I got my real estate license.

I married a beautiful woman.

Turns out a 38-year-old jewish woman will marry anything.

Someday I may even have children.

Now, how many vaginas can say that?

Why couldn't my experience with plastic surgery have been as good as yours?

Because you didn't know when to stop.

2 pieces of advice princess,

1, you won't want to change your body if you learn to love it.

And 2, when you wipe, it's front to back.

(coughs)

An important lesson was learned that day on winsteria lane.

Even the slimiest cunt can get a job in real estate.

We came back from the nursing home,

Knowing they were taking good care of what's-her-name.

Oh, toot left her old fogey-slash-lazy- fat-white-trash-person

And wal-mart scooter.

Oh! Look at me. I'm old.

I don't know what dvds are.

Huh. That's odd.

Oh, wait, spanky. Aah!

The fat pig has been eliminated.

Aah!

Toot was telling the truth.

The old people are trying to kill her.

Oh, this is all our fault.

We gots to save her.

No living thing can survive

In a nursing home pool.

[cackling]

Help!

I'm gonna die!

¶ da da da ¶

I couldn't believe it. I was about to die.

My life flashed before my eyes.

Nothing can possibly save me now.

[engine roaring]

All: yee-ha!

We're here to rescue you, miss braunstein!

We believe you now!

You don't care about me.

You were the ones who put me in here,

And then you made a fat joke.

That's not true. That's the fat talking.

We are so sorry, toot. We believe you now.

But I guess it's too late.

We can't let them live.

Let's shuffleboard 'em all into the pool.

Move! Move! Move!

In you go!

No!

Hey! Is you crazy?

Talking vaginas might be perfect for some people, like eskimos

But my vagina had become a horrible burden.

I realized I had no other choice.

Your annoying vagina will be very happy here.

Ow! What the fuck.

What the--

Help! Help! Clara, save us!

Oh, what's this? A casting call for dawn of the dead?

I haven't seen this much gray hair

Since I diddled joan collins.

That gal is a hoot and a holler.

I love references to dead celebrities

Nobody cares about anymore.

[coughing]

So you're so old, the last time you got laid,

You wore a dinosaur-skin condom.

Oh, my god.

Clara's vagina is killing off them old bastards.

You people are so old,

You're wasting our nation's health care resources.

Come on, guys. This is our chance.

Let's go.

Ah, guys, thanks for being there

For an old broad like me.

Oh, don't thank us.

Thank clara's house at poo corner.

Glad I could help.

You know, I think I'm beginning to like her.

I just wish I could get her to shut up once in a while.

Just do what the foxxy do

And stick this up in your ketchup dispenser.

Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing?

Who are you--[gasps]

Ah, thanks, foxxy.

But how do you know when to take it out?

Take it out?

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--