Original subtitles

Ahh! Doh!

What was that for?

To help me remember something.

Oh, yes. I need to ask you a favor.

My friend, tim thomasen, is making his first trip to the big city,

And I was hoping you could hang out with him.

Every time captain hero asks me to do him a favor,

It turns into something like totally insane,

And I usually get hurt.

Like when he asked me to help him train for the olympics.

Pull!

Waah!

There is no way I'm doing another favor for you.

Ooh. The captain hero signal. I must away.

[doorbell rings]

Did you come back to hit me again, hero?

What? I'm not captain hero.

I'm his friend,

The mild-mannered small-town reporter, tim thomasen.

How funny that you think I'm hero,

Since I have dark skin and blond hair

That flows like a river of sexy wheat.

I am supposed to meet a person by the name of "xan-dir."

Tell me. Do you know him, ma'am?

Oh, fuck me.

Announcer: hey, join us next week, kids,

For a whole nother adventure. Bye-bye.

Goddamn it, that was real terrible.

Hey, you know what I thought of that show?

[farting]

Ooh!

[farting continues]

[farting continues]

Ooh!

[farting continues]

Ohh! Ahh!

[farting continues]

Yeah.

[farting]

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah. You know what I thought of that show?

Didn't care for it.

Me neither.

There must be some way to know ahead of time which shows we should watch.

Huh?

Entertainment weekly!

"like a homosexual with amnesia, we come out every week."

Oh, my god. Our prayers have been answered.

¶ hallelujah ¶

Wow. Look at this. Cool.

Whose room is this?

That's the bathroom.

You'd know that even if you weren't captain--

Oh, never mind.

Oh, you crazy big-city folk.

Oh, and I bet this is captain hero's room.

You can tell 'cause it smells like dirty socks

And small-minded hatred.

[chuckling]

And super spunk.

[thinking] I had no idea what that lunatic was up to,

But when hero wears those glasses and calls himself tim,

He isn't nearly the asshole he usually is.

Xandir, you know what's fun?

Grapes. Grapes are fun.

Really? I think grapes are fun.

Grapes are fun.

Oh, hey, we should hit the farmers market.

Isn't that a "vine" idea?

We are so there.

All: ooh!

Ooh!

Entertainment weekly.

It's so beautiful.

And look. It tells us what music to listen to.

[speaking japanese]

And which books to burn.

And these cool little numbers tell you what page you're on.

Oh, my god. There's a review of drawn together.

That's us. That's our show.

Read it out loud.

Ahem.

"taking offensiveness to new levels,

"drawn together is so bad,

"it's bad for you

"and more appropriately belongs

"in 'what not to watch.'

Letter grade: f"?

All: aah!

Oh, tim, you're such a stitch.

You're so much more fun than captain hero.

"oh, look at me.

"I'm a big, dumb superhero who's big and dumb.

Now I'm fondling a girl. Oopsy. She's dead."

Ohh!

You did not just do that.

It unsnaps in the front.

Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name...

Spanky: everyone was taking our "f" in entertainment weekly

Way too hard.

But I knew just how to cheer 'em up.

Well, you know what I think of the review.

Pull my finger.

[farting]

Ooh!

[farting continues]

Ohh!

Goddamn it, spanky!

It's low-brow farts like that that mae-w give us a fucking f!

[farts] oopsy.

What? That was a crease,

And I only laughed 'cause it tickled.

Toot is right. Spanky ruined everything.

Spanky, you suck.

Guys, guys, guys.

I'm sue-w makes mistakes.

Let's see.

The growing pains reunion got a c-.

It was slightly below average.

My god.

Entertainment weekly is all knowing,

Like allah herself,

Which means my farts aren't funny.

No!

Shh.

Captain hero would kill us if he knew we were out all night.

He can't know, ok?

He can't know what?

Oh. Ok, I guess you're captain hero now.

Where the hell have you been all night

With my mild-mannered friend tim thomasen?

You know exactly where we were. We were at the pond having drinks.

You gave tim alcoholic beverages?

I'll fucking kill you!

It started to make sense.

Captain hero had created tim

As a way to explore his homosexual side.

It was a little like when he created el choco

To explore his gangbanger side.

What you sayin' to me now, homes?

Don't you know I'm loco?

[gasps]

If you so much as think about tim again,

I'll do this.

Ooh!

Only I won't do this to me.

I'll do it to...

I'll do it to you, bub.

Spanky, where are you going?

I'm holding the show back, kid.

Without my lame potty humor,

E-w can give you guys a "c" or maybe even a solid "b."

"m." oh! Look. I can't stop.

See you, wooldoor.

Spanky wait!

Waah! Ohh!

Oh! Ooh!

Ooh! Oh! Ooh!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you like that, don't you, bitch? Oh!

Ooh.

Oh, tim, go away.

I can't. I miss you.

I miss us.

If captain hero happens to show up,

He's gonna kill me.

Oh, come on, xandir. We have a real connection.

I know you feel it, too.

I wish I could quit you.

Didn't we have a "grape" time?

Oh! Oh! I guess we did.

But I think you and hero need to figure out your differences first.

Oh, how I wish we could,

But captain hero is not ready to accept who I am.

Not yet. If anyone, you can understand that.

Can't you?

Ahh. All too well.

Sometimes it's just easier to stay in the closet.

Isn't it, craig?

Ahh. Ok, but we have to be discreet.

Understand?

Oh, I do. I do. I shall find you at dawn.

Good night, my sweet xan-dir.

Hmm. [gasps]

Spanky: so I left tdrawn together house

And returned to my old fart-free existence

With the wife and kid.

Oh, honey, welcome home. I'm so glad you're back.

Yeah. Great. Good to see you, todd.

Randy. Randy.

Spanky: I had to put food on the table,

So I got the only boring job a high-school dropout can find these days.

Hostage negotiator.

See you later, sweetheart. See you, randy.

It's todd.

Todd.

¶ my baby takes the morning train ¶

Put the gun down!

He's the only fucking dog who's good enough to wear fucking pants?

Well, I wanna wear the fucking pants for once.

[gunshot] [groans]

¶ waiting for him ¶

¶ my baby takes the morning train ¶

¶ he works from 9 till 5 and then ¶

¶ he takes another home again ¶

Spanky: billy, mommy says god will decide

Who should pay for the sins of the world.

Mommy will live inside me forever.

[gunshot]

¶ only when he's with me ¶

¶ I catch life ¶

¶ only when he gives me ¶

¶ makes me feel all right ¶

¶ ohhhh ¶

So tim and I continued our forbidden romance,

But danger was lurking around every corner.

[gasps]

Xandir, you haven't seen tim, have you?

Uh...Uh, no. No. Of course not.

Whee! Higher!

Higher!

The only thing that scared me more than hero

Were the feelings I was having for tim.

Oh, and bees. I hate bees.

Maybe we should go somewhere a little more private.

Perhaps a dark, secluded bedroom

Where nothing can find us.

Nothing...

But passion.

[both giggling]

Mmm! Mmm!

Ahh!

I just know xandir and tim are up to something.

I can feel it in my gut.

[grunting]

Aah! Aah!

[yawns]

What do we got?

Yeah. Some nut job in the arcade.

He's threatening to whack 'em all.

Wack a mole?

Isn't that a game?

Not to us it's not. We're gonna take him out.

I don't have a hostage. I'm just playing wack a mole.

Jesus! He's got a heavily-padded novelty mallet!

Don't shoot! Please!

You're not safe here, sir. Standard swat procedure requires us

To pull the negotiator out of harm's way by his finger.

[farts]

Excuse me.

That's awesome!

Hey, aren't you spanky ham from drawn together?

I was...Once.

I loved you on that show.

You were the best part.

You fart when the rest of us are afraid to fart.

Really? You guys like that?

Well, check this out. Huh!

[farting]

He farted!

[farting continues]

At that moment, I realized my farts wefunny.

They made all these people feel joy in their hearts.

Whoever smelt it, felt it.

That's it. I quit.

I'm going back to the drawn togethhouse.

Yeah!

Oh! Fire!

Aah!

Captain hero: something was amiss.

Xandir was acting strange,

Tim thomasen was awfully quiet,

And I noticed that I was getting fucked in the ass more than usual.

So I decided to put on a disguise and get to the bottom of it.

Oh, hello, xandir. It is I, tom thomasen.

I am enjoying glasses wearing.

And you are?

Oh, tim, last night was so special.

I mean, I've had a lot of gay sex in my life...

A lot of gay se--

I mean, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of gay se--

I had a lot...Lots of gay sex.

Huge, huge amounts of...

Lots.

Right, craig?

But last night was the first time

I've ever...Made love.

You what?

Why, I should kill you where you stand.

Oh, goddamn it.

[groans]

You will never see tim again.

Ever!

Unless you catch him in his room packing.

Ever since we got that f things seemed to fall apart.

Now, some would say we's a bit over sensitive to

The honest criticism of a professional tv reviewer.

But in our defense... Fuck you e-w!

[hissing]

Sucker.

Guys, spanky's back,

And he brought a friend.

[farts]

Yeah. I was once like you guys.

I, too, lost my way. We aren't failures.

E-w is the failure.

All over the world people laugh at us.

People laugh at farts.

People laugh at violence.

People laugh at--

Fat jokes.

And stereotypes.

[speaking japanese]

And stereotypes.

And stimulant tassels.

We've got to do something, people.

Hell, if one bad review can do this to us,

Imagine what entertainment weekly can do to other shows.

Man: but other shows don't suck!

Yeah, but still...

I say we confront this reviewer

And make sure she never gives her insightful, unbiased opinions ever again.

Now, who's with me?

[cheering]

Charge!

Tim, what are you doing?

Captain hero is sending me away.

So this is good-bye, xandir.

Forever.

Tim, wait.

You have to tell captain hero

That you want to explore these feelings.

Yes, but...But I'm scared.

It's ok to be scared.

But it's not ok to deny who you really are.

You get it now, craig?

I'll do it, xandir. I'll do it for you.

I'll do it for us.

Sensors indicate that the tv reviewer

Is at the end of the hall.

Ok, guys, show no mercy.

Remember, these people work in cubicles.

So they're already dead inside.

Let's move.

[all shouting]

Why are you stabbing yourself? Why are you stabbing yourself?

Yay!

Wahhhh!

We have a 9:15 to see the tv reviewer.

We're a little early.

Oh, you're tdrawn together gang.

Of course. She's been expecting you. Can I get you some coffee?

Yeah. Sure.

Oh, my god. They're dead. They're all dead.

What should I do?

Whee!

Whee!

Oh, my god. Did you tell him? How did it go?

You tell me.

[gasps] oh, baby.

What kind of a jerk would hit himself wearing glasses?

I tried to fight back, xan-dir.

I think I broke his nose.

[sniffs] ooh!

Don't look. I'm hideous.

Oh, god. Is there anything I can do?

Actually, there is.

[gasps]

Xandir: this whole thing was crazy,

But it also kind of made sense.

Obviously, a superhero is impervious to bullets.

But tim needed me to shoot captain hero

And symbolically kill the homophobic side of himself.

Captain hero?

I'm doing this for your own good.

What are you-- [grunting]

Aah! [grunts]

Tim.

I thought you were captain hero.

Yeah. I get that a lot.

But don't feel bad, dear xan-dir.

I've been living for 30-something years.

But only since I met you have I truly felt...

Alive.

[coughing]

Tim, before you go,

I just need to know one thing.

Yes, sweet xan-dir?

Are we done?

Like, are you gonna cut the shit now?

Yeah, I guess so.

Good. Now, leave me alone.

Xandir, I just wanted to see if I was.

And, you know, it turns out I wasn't.

It's captain hero, not captain homo.

Whatever.

And promise to keep this between us, buddy.

I don't want anyone to think I'm cuckoo, cuckoo.

Well, guys, if any of you are gonna chicken out,

Now's the time.

All: aah!

Aah!

All right.

All right, tv reviewer, you've gone too far.

And who are you to tell us--what the hell!

No wonder you hate the show.

You're everything we make fun of.

You're jewish, conservative, pro-life, born-again,

Overweight, asian, homophobic lesbian broad who cuts herself.

So?

So maybe someone who doesn't happen to be

A jewish, conservative, pro-life, born-again,

Overweight, indian homophobic lesbian broad who cuts herself

Might not be offended by the show.

I have every right to tell people what I think of your show.

Yes! But people should know

You're not our audience, asshole!

Listen, mr. Ham.

The fact is, we're both right.

I'm not exactly your target audience.

And your show is a steamy pile of shit.

Well, that's fair.

Now, if you do want some constructive criticism,

The biggest problem with your show

Is you never know how to end it.

That is so not true.

Where to, mr. Ham?

To the rodeo, bumpers.

The rodeo.

Of course, sir. Cheerio.

Announcer: hey, join us next week, kids,

For a whole nother adventure.

Bye-bye. Huh-huh-huh.

Goddamn it, that was real terrible.

Hey, you know what I thought of that show?

[farting]

Ooh!

[farting continues]

[farting continues]

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--