Original subtitles

[sobbing]

Child, what is up with captain hero?

Lately he's been an emotional wreck.

[sobbing]

[trumpets]

[sobbing]

Hold me.

I can't.

[sobbing]

[whistling]

Maybe he ran out of his super power potion, if you know what I mean.

Housemates, report to the living room!

The producers told us that we must start a business of our choosing.

I wanted to have a bake sale,

But the stereotypes had other ideas.

Let's open a hair salon!

We could shine shoes.

Let's eat potato salad!

Princess: finally we all agreed.

[together] a suicide hotline!

Suicide hotline?

Now how the hell did we come up with that?

Goddamn white producers

With their goddamn white flashes.

They can edit us to make us say whatever they want.

My...Tail...Is...Made... Out...Of...Bacon.

Stop it!

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah.

My tail, 100% pure bacon.

A suicide hotline.

This is gonna be so much fun!

No, it ain't.

Remember how you got bored

With them pit bulls you adopted,

And then I had to find 'em a new home

With them muppet babies?

Aah! Aah!

And I don't wants to be responsible for

No stupid ass suicide hotline.

Oh come on foxy. This time it'll be different.

We'll stick with it!

All: yea! Come on! Please?

I lit a homeless girl on fire.

What the... That's horrible!

Who said that?

All: I don't know. Wasn't me.

Fire's happy now.

Well, be that as it may, I will not be a part of no suicide hotline.

Nuh-uh, no way, no how, no sir.

Ok, let's do it.

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!

I'm just so sad all the time,

And I don't know how to get better.

I have nowhere to turn.

I mean, whose job is it to save a super hero

When he's in trouble?

Batman? Oh, no.

You get tipsy at one cocktail party

And do one little impression of his parents being murdered

And suddenly he won't return your phone calls.

[deep voice] now, see, are you ready to die, batman's parents?

[imitates woman] oh, don't shoot!

We're batman's mommy and daddy!

[gunshot]

You should talk to a professional.

You're right, gay friend,

But I'm embarrassed about getting therapy.

Don't worry, girlfriend.

I won't tell anyone.

Oh, I know you won't, xandir.

I know you won't.

What-- [muffled talking]

[moans]

And now to erase your memory of this entire conversation.

We set up our suicide hotline,

And I put myself in charge

Of producing a little commercial.

Hey, stud, are you longing to swallow

A handful of pills?

Or do you think about putting a hole

In your head?

Then call our sultry suicide hotline.

We'll do anything to keep you alive.

[breathing heavy] anything.

There's so much to live for.

Call now! Our hot and horny operators

Are standing by. Live!

Announcer: results may vary.

There may not be much to live for. Toot is fat.

And now, we wait.

[rings]

[rings]

Ohh! Phone.

[together] oh.

Yup, yup.

[together] yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing! Brrriiing!

Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing!

Well, doc, I guess five for fighting put it best

In their heart-wrenching power ballad.

¶ I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane ¶

¶ I'm more than some pretty face ¶

¶ beside a train-- ¶

[sobbing] it's like he wrote it for me.

As a fake psychiatrist,

I believe that all dysfunction

Is a result of childhood trauma.

The best treatment for this is to simulate the womb

Of the patient's mother using blankets

Or a whale's vagina.

[whales bellows]

Now tell me about your parents.

Well, according to lore,

Seconds before my home planet zebulon crashed into the sun,

My parents, they sent me to earth.

But my parents, they died.

It should have been me.

[whispers] it should have been me.

It's not your fault.

[sobbing]

[whale bellows]

He was right. It wasn't my fault.

Thank you, unborn baby whale.

You were as helpful as you were delicious.

[chattering]

Well, what do you know?

They was taking responsibility for the hotline.

I guess sometimes foxxy's wrong about her housemates.

Like when I first moved in,

I thought toot was a giant penguin with face cancer.

I'm cured! Oh, I'm cured!

My therapist made me realize

That it's not my fault my parents are dead.

I couldn't have stopped zebulon

From crashing into the sun.

You mean the planet zebulon?

Zebulon didn't crash into no sun, captain 'tardo.

What you talkin' about, foxxy?

Zebulon is a thriving planet with a booming economy.

[scoffs] yeah, right.

As if.

We order zuebulini's takeout all the time.

You love the deep fried zebulonads.

I never put the 2 together.

Don't you remember?

We went to zebulon for spring break.

Dude, I was so wasted the whole time.

Plus we're stealing our cable from zebulon.

Captain hero: ok, ok, I get it!

How else could we watch everybody loves zorgablack?

Man, I hate that patricia heatonglab.

What a klexblunt.

Well then, if zebulon didn't blow up,

That would mean...

My parents are still alive.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

[dramatic music plays]

[telephone rings] guys!

Where the hell are you?

Just when I started to trust those fools.

There is only 2 excuses for walking away

From suicidal people in need,

And I don't see no nuclear holocaust.

And I don't hear no free bell biv devoe concert in a swap meet parking lot.

[all ringing]

[sighs]

Suicide hotline.

"my name is laine. How can I help you?

Remember to sound like you care."

Man: I'm a quadruple amputee.

My life is a living hell.

Shit, you think you got it bad?

You should try living with some roommates.

Now if I write my name on a bag of funions,

Them ain't your funions!

Those foxxy funions!

You don't understand me. Nobody understands me!

I might as well kill myself right now!

No, wait! Hello?

Those goddamn cunt, shit

Dumb ass piss fuck meatball dick cock mother fuckers!

After I learned that zebulon never plummeted into the sun,

I realized I would never be complete

Without meeting my parents.

I needed to phone home.

[theme fre.T. The extra-terrestrial plays]

And that's exactly what I would do

As soon as I was done playing

With my new sex robot.

Oh, yeah, baby.

[slobbering]

Ooh!

[mechanical voice] n-o means n-o.

Why doesn't he just remove the chip

That makes me feel pain?

So, I sent out a signal to my home planet zebulon

And waited for a response.

Could it be?

Could it be?

[thump]

[gases hissing]

Mommy? Pop-pop?

Son? Look at you.

[whimpers]

[whimpers]

[gags]

Pop-pop!

Nice to meet you, mr. Hero.

I couldn't believe it.

After all this time, I was with my parents.

Seems like all my wishes are coming true.

Come on, big boy hair!

[choir singing]

What the hell are y'all doing?!

You are supposed to be on the suicide phones.

Doo-hoo! We found something much more fun.

A dead, bloated frog in the storm drain.

At first, we had a tea party with it.

But now we're worshipping it as a god.

Some poor fool with no arms and legs called,

And now he's gonna off himself

If we don't stop him.

What are you, deaf?

We're playing with frog god.

Fine. Once again foxxy gonna have to clean up y'all's mess.

Frog god. Idiots.

Everybody know that salamander jesus is the only true god.

Finally my dreams of being with my parents had come true.

We had to make up for so much lost time.

¶ soft music ¶ [burps]

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Owie! Owie!

Ohh.

You are not going out looking like that.

And take out that piercing!

I hate you! I hate you!

[crying]

[loud dance music plays]

Ohh! Ohh!

[drunken babbling]

Huh? Leave me alone!

Leave me alone!

¶ will you hold me if I cry?... ¶

Mommy...

I'm home.

¶ sometimes I still miss my first love. ¶

I used all my mystery-solving know how

To find that suicidal no arms and legs guy.

Here, suicidal no arms and legs guy!

Here, suicidal no arms and legs guy!

But it wasn't working.

I was just about to give up when...

Toot: looks like you could use some help.

What are you guys doing here?

We realized that it wasn't right

To make you clean up our mess.

Plus frog god dried up in the sun

And the neighbor's dog ate him.

We want to help you find the suicidal guy,

And we know just how to do it.

[up-tempo music plays]

[music ends]

Hey, I know this guy. Me, too.

I can take you to him.

I am so proud of you guys.

Now let's go find this four-stump chump.

Since you've been here,

I've enjoyed the best montage of my life.

I--I love you, eema.

Oh, son, I love you, too.

Too much to keep lying to you.

And you deserve to know the truth

About how you came to be on planet earth.

Eema?

Hero comics?

Planet zebulon?

[chuckles] that's a good one, pops.

Eema, you had me aborted?

Ugh! [cat yowls]

I hate you, mommy. I hate you, pop-pop.

I wish I were never born!

Oh, baby. I know the feeling.

[door slams]

Come on, captain hero,

You're not the lamest superhero ever.

Come out of the dumpster.

No. This is where my mommy wanted me to be anyways.

Well, hey, what would five for fighting do?

[hums superman]

You're right.

Five for fighting wouldn't sit in this dumpster

Feeling sorry for themselves.

No! They would get out of this dumpster

And prove to their eemahote and their pop-pops

That they aren't lame!

That's the spirit.

The five for fighting spirit.

And I've got just the plan,

But I'll need your gay help.

[tongue slurping]

Foxxy: so we all met our suicidal quadraphaligic jeff.

We tried to show jeff live was worth living

By playing some fun games.

My name is clara, and the animal

That best describes my personality is a dove

Because they sing and they're white.

Now it's your turn, jeff.

My life is an endless hell.

I spend all day laying in bed soiling myself

While my home care nurse burns me with cigarettes.

[sighs] a squirrel, I guess.

At that point, it became obvious to all of us.

If somebody's life is that terrible,

That pathetic,

Then maybe death is the only answer.

Jeff, listen,

If you want to end your pain,

We ain't gonna stand in your way.

Oh, bless you. Bless you all.

Now, of course, I can't move,

So you must pull the plug for me.

[rope creaks]

[wind howls]

Ohh.

Uhh!

What the...?

Don't fight me.

If I can light a homeless girl on fire,

I can certainly stab you.

Help! Help!

We meet again, two-hands.

You're too late, captain hero.

You won't be able to stop me and my 2 hands this time!

Ha! That's what you think.

Uhh! Oh, no!

My hands! Both of them!

I've got a new name for you, two-hands.

Aah! Semicolon.

Jesus, hero!

Now that I've captured you,

Lets find out who you really are.

Xandir, you're--

Oh, yeah. I forgot it was you.

We set this whole thing up.

Mother fucker!

You said you wouldn't really hurt me!

Captain leslie hero,

You thought this would prove you're not a lame superhero?

Mom, don't call me leslie in front of two-hands.

The doctor was right. You are so lame!

I'm not lame!

[crying] yes. Yes, you are!

Please, mom! Please don't do that!

Don't be mean to me!

I'm not being mean to you.

You're just too lame to see it.

You don't know what I can do!

What I'm gonna do! You don't know!

You don't know what I'm gonna be!

I have good things and you don't know it,

And I'm gonna be somebody and don't tell me I'm not!

[sobbing]

I'll show my eema.

I'll show her what I can do.

She told me zebulon crashed into the sun,

Well, zebulon, you think you're so teeming with life?

We'll see how teeming with life you are now!

Uhh! Uhh!

Oh, yeah!

[people screaming]

Captain hero, one.

Millions of innocent zebulonian civilians--

Uh...Oh. Dead.

Whoopsie-daisy.

[footsteps squeaking]

Can we do this?

We can agonize over this decision for hours.

Foxxy: but ultimately we realized we had no choice.

All right, let's do it.

Together now, on the count of three.

[together] 1, 2--

Freeze, deuce bags!

Uhh! Uhh!

Jeff, what you doin'?

My name isn't jeff. My real name is jeffrey,

And I'm part of an undercover sting unit

Called the special tactical operations unit

To catch people who set up suicide hotlines

Because of a reality show challenge,

And then didn't follow through on them,

So they caused the people who needed them

To take their own lives,

And then they changed their minds

When they realized not all people should be forced to live,

So they try to assist someone in euthanasia

Or as we call it for short,

The s-t-o-u-t-c-p-w-

S-u-s-h-b-o-a-r-s-c-a-

T-d-f-t-o-t-s-t-c-t-p-w-

N-t-t-t-m-w-r-t-n-a-p-s-

B-f-t-l-s-t-t-t- a-s-I-e team.

Goddamn hotline.

I can't go back to jail.

[hysterical] I won't go back!

No!

Foxxy, take my gun and handcuffs

Out of the drawer and cuff these murderers.

Hold up, jeffrey.

Now you ain't got no back up?

Are you kidding? This place is surrounded.

Art's got my back.

Don't move, assholes!

Matt's guarding the back door.

Yo!

And bob's covering the harbor.

Huh? Huh? Oh.

Ow!

This is so stupid.

It's like some retarded third grader wrote this.

Now come on. Put the handcuffs on.

I'm not joking.

All right, we just gonna leave now.

You mean leave to walk

To the police station, right?

Tell 'em it was me!

Yeah, I'll get a promotion.

Bob: ow! Ow! Ow!

Ohh! Uhh!

What a stupid move destroying zebulon.

Xandir, my eema was right. I am lame.

I don't deserve any of these medals and awards.

[clanking]

They're all dead!

Everyone I've ever known is dead!

Eema,pop-pop, I guess I should tell you--

Some asshole destroyed all of zebulon.

Who would do such a terrible thing?

Who? Who?!

Yes, well, it's actually a funny story about that.

Son, can we stay here with you?

You know, till we find an apartment?

Oh, of course.

You'd do that after what we did to you?

Mommy, you're my eema.

Nothing will ever change that.

Not even you aborting me.

Oh, son, I was wrong about you.

There are so many definitions of a hero,

But for me,

Someone who lifts you up and gives you hope

When some dickhead throws your planet into the sun,

That is a hero.

A super hero like captain hero.

Capt. Hero: I had finally gained my parents approval.

Oh, guys, this is gonna be great.

The three of us living together like a real family.

Oh, but don't tell my roommates

You're staying here rent free.

Sure. We won't tell anybody.

Oh, I know you won't.

[deep voice] I know you won't.

[groans] [groans]

And now to erase your memories

Of this entire conversation.

Foxxy: hi, captain hero.

Aah! Oh, my god!

You got your big boy hair!

More jews.

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

[telephone rings]

Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing!

Brrriiing!

[together] yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing! Brrriiing!

[together] yup, yup, yup, yup yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing! Brrriiing!

Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

[together] yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing! Brrriiing!

[together] yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing!

Brrriiing!

Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

[together] yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Brrriiing! Brrriiing!

[together] yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.