Original subtitles

All right, I'll call her!

Hey, lady, watch it!

Trying to get yourself killed?!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, lady, look out!

Excuse me, ma'am.

Hey, you may want to take your head

out of that book once in a while.

What if you knew, beyond a doubt,

what was going to happen tomorrow?

What would you do?

There's no easy answer

for a guy who gets tomorrow's news today.

* *

Come say hello to Aunt Estelle.

Seth?

Say hi!

Hurry up, Justin.

You're gonna miss it.

Why do I have to do the video?

Why can't Grandpa Jerry?

'Cause Grandpa Jerry's the sandek.

The what? The sandek.

He gets to hold the baby while the mohel does the procedure.

Lucky him.

Hey, Justin, who's your favorite uncle?

You are, Uncle Chuck.

That's right. And don't you forget it.

You need a haircut.

Join the army, son.

I can't believe I'm related to that guy.

Couldn't they have done this in the hospital?

It's tradition.

Besides, they say it's totally painless.

The baby doesn't feel a thing.

Mom, go over there.

Will somebody please get the door?!

Gary...

Whoa, Chuck, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here? These are my people.

That's my third cousin about to get it...

What are you doing here?

Th-th-that's why I'm here.

The whole thing will be over in a matter of seconds.

Oh, my God. The poor kid.

Hey, you gotta help me, huh?

Oh, my God.

I can't even pronounce that word.

Stop the mohel!

Stop! Hey, watch the camera!

How dare you interrupt this ceremony?!

Look, this man's sick. He needs medical attention.

Are you a doctor? I'm not sick; I resent that!

Look at this guy! He's an accident waiting to happen.

I appreciate the advice, Chuck, but you know what?

I am a doctor. I'm board certified in cardiology-

Here we go.

Every function I gotta hear about Arnie the doctor.

"Chuck, why can't you be a doctor, like Arnie?"

Oh! I'm sorry! I'm sick of it, Arnie!

You know, I- you know, actually I don't...

Sit down. I don't feel so good.

No, I'll be all right. Somebody call a paramedic.

Look, there's one outside. So soon?

How can that be?

He was in the neighborhood.

I'm gonna be all right, doctor.

Oh, my God.

If that had happened during the bris...

Fishman, you know what you did?

You saved my son's, uh... Future.

Exactly. Thank you.

Yeah, don't mention it.

Is, uh, is he gonna be okay?

You were terrific.

Oh, it was nothing.

Do I know you?

Uh, my name is, uh, Chuck, Chuck Fishman.

I'm Arnie's cousin.

Ellen Goodman.

Ellen.

Ellen, and how do you know, uh, Arnie and Ilene?

I'm their rabbi.

I should be going to temple more often.

Music's a little loud, don't you think?

What?

The music, it's a little loud, don't you think?

It's not my music.

Tony!

Ah, Mr. Hobson.

Just the man I wanted to see.

The music?

It's good, yes?

It's loud.

Love song.

You have to play it loud.

Yeah, well, Tony, the neighbors are complaining.

Oh, yes.

The walls, they are thin.

Everything you hear.

Yeah, but, Tony, they're calling in from Skokie.

Skokie?

Now you make a tease.

But for you, Mr. Hobson, I turn the music down.

And, uh, maybe you do me a favor.

What is that?

Hamburger patties.

I call it heart-burger.

Why?

It is obvious, no?

It is shaped like a heart.

That's not what I mean, Tony.

What I'm asking you is,

why are you making hamburger hearts?

Because my own heart is bursting with happiness.

Which brings me to the favor.

Today is the day, Mr. Hobson.

After today, nothing will be the same.

Why is that?

Because, today, I am a man.

I'm going to ask Miss Abby, the woman of my dreams,

if she will go out with me.

Oh, that's very nice.

That's wonderful. Yes.

What's the favor?

Ah, I need the afternoon off.

You need the whole afternoon off to ask a girl out?

Well, I need time to prepare.

Mario-

Hey, Mario?

Hey, where's Mario?

Where'd he go?

Now, look... I beg you.

I never ask you for another favor in my entire life.

Look, get up off your feet.

Would you just be back by dinner, huh?

Molto grazie.

You are a God among men.

Hey, Tony, how you doing?

How else could I be?

I am in love.

I drip with happiness.

Dripped all over me.

Me, too.

Listen, I got to talk to you.

I got trouble.

What kind of trouble?

Big trouble.

It's the rabbi.

What rabbi?

From yesterday.

Oh, the nice rabbi from yesterday?

Nice? Gare, she's more than nice.

That is one hot rabbi.

I mean, you expect that kind of look from a nun.

You know, like Julie Andrews or Sally Field,

but a rabbi?

I can't get her out of my head.

So what's your problem?

"Problem"?

She's a rabbi.

Oh. Well, rabbis can date.

Can't they?

She talks to God.

Chuck, phone call.

Who is it?

Rabbi Ellen.

* *

There you go.

Tony!

Hello, Miss Abby.

I'm glad to see you.

You are?

I'm always glad to see you.

You're my big success story.

I am?

I've turned you into a lover.

Yes. Yes!

A book lover.

Yes... books.

And I love to see that.

Someone who loves books as much as I do.

Yes.

Well, um, I... I wanted to, uh, ask you...

You have Great Expectations.

Yes! How, how, how do you know?

You checked it out last week.

Ah, Dickens.

Yes.

That little Pip, he has such spunk.

Is there anything I can help you with?

Yes.

I- I wanted to ask you, uh...

I- I wanted to ask you...

Yes?

What I mean to say is...

Do you have any more recommendations?

Don't make a mess of it, huh?

Buddy, I am floating.

Got a date with the rabbi, huh?

She could be the one.

A chance encounter of biblical proportions.

Two lonely people meet at a bris,

and it's all because of you.

Me? Yeah.

If you hadn't crashed that party,

none of this would've happened.

I could kiss you.

No, you don't have to do that.

Come here, you little cutie.

Stop that. What's wrong with you?

I got things to do, I tell you.

"Woman impaled by sword.

Juggler's act proves deadly. "

Hey, you! Park's closed.

Shooting a commercial.

Hold it right there.

Where are my extras?

Where are my extras? Where are they?

Camera's ready!

Makeup!

Look at that man over there.

Hey!

Hey! Come back here!

Hey, you!

Stop!

Stop right there!

* *

Abby...

Abby!

You all right? Oh, my God, I almost...

You... Abby!

Abby, are you all right?

Uh-huh. You're Abby?

Uh-huh.

Your Abby?

You... saved my life.

I just want you to know, Mr. Hobson,

I had everything under control.

You know, I-I could have saved her.

Well, I know you could have, Tony.

Abby was never in any danger.

I- I-I was ready. And I realize that now.

I just happened to be there, and I just... I could have run like that.

I am very fast.

Tony, uh, just to make one thing clear, though, you know,

I'm not trying to move in on your... territory.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, I'm talking about Abby.

You know, it was, it was the right place, right time kind of thing.

But of course.

Abby is, she is not my property.

I mean, if you were to try and uh, woo her,

impress her with your horseback riding bravado, I couldn't.

No, no, wait.

No, but I'm not trying to do that, okay?

Sure, sure, sure. Okay. Oh, yeah.

Hey, how you doin'?

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What, what's with all that?

You ever read the Talmud?

No, I can't say I have.

Oh, there's no way I'm gonna

get through this thing before tonight.

Oh, I was hoping to find out how it ended.

I can't even read Hebrew.

Well, why this?

Gotta cram.

I gotta figure out how

I'm gonna fill two hours of conversation with a rabbi.

Why don't you try talking to her?

I'm making a horrible mistake, aren't I?

I mean, who are we kidding here?

Me and a rabbi?

I skipped out on my own bar mitzvah.

I ended up going to a movie-

Any Which Way But Loose.

I loved that monkey.

Hey, Chuck, can I ask you something?

Two hours ago, you were floating.

Now all of a sudden...

It's a disaster. It's Chernobyl. I'm doomed.

It's all your fault. My fault?

If it weren't for you, I would have never met that rabbi.

Now, wait a second. You're not shoving

this responsibility off on me, pal.

Yeah, you. You and that stupid paper of yours.

I gotta go.

Sure, leave me now-

now that I'm pouring my guts out to you.

What do you want me to do for you?

I want your advice. Now tell me,

what would you do if you were in my situation?

Well, I wouldn't tell her about the bar mitzvah.

Gary?

Abby? Hi.

Oh, you, you, you must be looking for Tony.

I came here to see you.

To thank you.

Well, you already did.

Not for this morning, I didn't.

Excuse me?

You saw me on the street.

You told me to take my head out of my book.

I knew I had seen you before.

You may not believe me,

but I've seen you many times before.

Oh, well, that, that's because I get around town, Abby.

Look, I'm kind of busy right now. Not in the flesh.

Hmm?

In my dreams, Gary.

That's where I've seen you.

I read a lot. I'm, I'm a librarian.

Oh, of course, you know that already, don't you?

Could I have a drink?

Uh, maybe some coffee, or water?

We're out.

But of course, there's a... there's a coffee shop

on the way to the library, and they have fantastic espresso.

Bastardo. Tony.

No speak.

It is not important what you say.

You are a snake in the grass.

Miss Abby, I... I...

Tony, this isn't what it looks like.

Tony, Tony. Oh.

Poor Tony.

He's such a sweet man.

I could hardly believe he'd get so angry about anything.

You know, Abby, you shouldn't underestimate Tony,

'cause Tony, he's very passionate. He's...

So am I, Gary. Can, can I admit something?

Huh?

I read... romance novels.

Does that shock you?

Does that shock me?

Well, no, it doesn't, but...

Pretty silly, huh?

I mean, I did my doctoral thesis on Russian poets.

Yeah, well, right now, I've got a crisis in the kitchen.

I- I speak four languages.

I spend my days surrounded by the classics:

Dante, Dostoyevsky, Dickens.

Great, great books, every one of them.

But not the kind of books you'd want to take to bed.

It is hot in here.

You don't want to take your coat off, because it's cold outside.

Did I tell you we're closing early today? Do you believe in fate, Gary?

Fate? Que sera sera.

What will be will be. That nothing can change it?

No.

But Tony does. And Tony's right...

Do you believe that if two people

were meant to find each other, they will.

Yes, I believe in that.

Oh! Shh, say no more.

Abby, listen to me.

Je dois retourner � la biblioth�que.

Oh, my God, I'm speaking French.

I- I do that when I get excited.

Yeah, Abby, you, you...

Au revoir, mon ami.

I did it again.

I did it. I...

Good-bye, Gary.

Bye.

Who was that?

Th-That was a woman that I helped today.

Twice.

She thinks it's fate.

She thinks we're supposed to be together.

Maybe she's right. Maybe it is fate.

No, it's not fate.

She's accident-prone.

Oh. Sorry.

She's in love.

She's in love with the wrong guy.

She's supposed to be in love with Tony.

So what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna fix it.

* I wanna be around *

* To pick up the pieces... *

Hey, can you turn it down a little bit?

* When somebody breaks your heart... * No. Please, what are you doing?

Look, Tony, I didn't know she was gonna come by the bar.

This morning, I didn't even know

that was the woman you were talking about.

Well, how could I?

Do you see the way she looks at you?

No, I hadn't noticed.

It is like once upon a time,

someone asked her the most important question in the world

and when she looks at you, she sees the answer.

Well, no, I bet you're wrong there.

Not about this.

I go to the library.

Twice a week, I see her.

She recommends books.

Some are good, and some I do not understand.

But I read them all.

Not for the stories, but, uh...

to see what she sees when she reads them.

So when I read the books, it's like she's in the room with me.

Tony, have you told Abby this?

I try.

But the words, they... they get stuck,

right here, I know.

I- I'm not like you, Mr. Hobson.

I don't ride stallions,

and I don't rescue women from falling swords.

How do you do that?

Look, Tony, uh,

words- everyone, their words, they get stuck.

Well, if you don't tell Abby,

you're, you're never gonna know how Abby really feels.

You are right.

I will try.

Well, no, Tony, don't try- do it.

I will do it. Good.

I will tell her how I feel.

Good.

Salud.

WOMAN Attention, library patrons.

The library is now closed.

Tony, we're closing.

Miss Abby, I need to ask you something.

Oh, sure. More recommendations?

You have changed my life, Abby.

Tony... No, no, no, no, no, wait.

It's hard for me to get these words out.

And if I don't do it now, I may never do it,

and then I will be lost.

So, please, let me finish.

Abby, ever since the time I first saw you,

I have been living a lie.

I tell myself it is just an infatuation, Tony.

It, it will pass.

But I know it is not true.

I tell myself it is okay

not to know if she shares my feelings.

That it is better not to know.

To hope that she does is enough.

More lies.

It is not enough, Abby.

And I have to know.

Probably you feel you do not know me very well,

but I love you,

Abby, and I have to know.

How do you feel?

* *

So you want to tell me what happened?

"Feelings are not negotiable. "

What's that?

It is what Abby said when I told her how I felt.

She said that she was sorry.

She wished she could return my feelings, but she could not.

"Are you sure," I asked her.

"Have you looked inside your heart?"

She shook her head.

"Feelings are not negotiable. "

Tony, maybe you should give her some more time.

You are not listening, Mr. Hobson.

She told me she is not in love with me.

She's in love with you.

I was better off before

when at least I still had hope.

Well, now wait a second, Tony.

Now, listen...

If it's all right with you, Mr. Hobson,

I wish to be alone with my misery.

Please.

All right.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Biggest idiot in the world? Fishman.

Runner-up? That'd be Fishman, too.

What's wrong with him?

Bad date.

Spill it.

I blew it.

I completely blew it.

It was like I left part of my brain at home.

Oh, come on, it couldn't have been that bad.

Gary, I told the truth.

You told the, the... the truth about what?

About everything.

So uh, did you have a good day?

Oh, yeah. It was busy.

Uh, I had a funeral this morning.

And then a board meeting.

And then I helped three students back-to-back

on their bar mitzvah speeches.

I skipped mine.

What?

My bar mitzvah. I skipped it.

I thought you should know.

That, that's okay, Chuck.

I'm not a religious cop. I'm just a rabbi.

I don't speak Greek either.

Greek?

I didn't assume that you did.

I'm just telling you that because the last time I was here

in this restaurant, I was on a date

with this gorgeous model.

Anyway, I tried to impress her by ordering in Greek.

Before she arrived, I had a little chat with the waiter.

He told me what to say.

You, you didn't tell her about your brother

and the candy at Halloween?

Oh, yeah. That came out before the appetizers.

When I was a kid,

I stole my little brother's Halloween candy.

He was on crutches; broken leg.

You know how hard that little guy had to work

to get that candy?

Why?

I don't know.

There I was, sitting across from a rabbi,

and it was like God himself was listening in.

I- I-I... that was it.

I was just compelled to tell the truth.

She's never gonna want to see me again.

It was like fate brought us together,

and the truth tore us apart.

Hey, Chuck?

Phone.

I'm so ashamed.

Gary Hobson.

Huh? Yeah. Oh, that's...

What's that?

A rump roast. What's it look like?

It's your lucky night, lover boy.

Hey, sign here.

Who from?

Guess.

Thanks.

Excusa. I go home now.

Oh, are you feeling better, Tony?

My heart is like a tenderloin on a spit.

Well, I-I'm I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning.

I do not think so.

But thank you for saying that.

Gare, you're not gonna believe this.

She wants to see me again.

The rabbi. Ooh, those are beautiful.

No.

Who are they from, Abby?

Tony...

Now look, Tony, I...

Hey, don't worry about him.

Listen, back to me. The rabbi called.

She told me that I was one

of the most interesting guys she's ever met.

We got another date.

Great. You know what?

This truth thing,

I, I think there might be something to it.

Now what am I gonna do about Abby?

My advice? Try the truth.

Now look, Abby, I don't want to hurt you,

but here it is...

I don't share your feelings.

You're trying to protect me.

No, I'm not trying to protect you.

What I'm saying is...

You're married, aren't you?

Huh?

You've got a wife, and you don't love her anymore.

Maybe you never did, but she's sick.

That's it! She's-she's dying!

And even, even if she wasn't,

you would never leave her

because you made a commitment to her.

And in a world of broken promises and shattered dreams,

you are the kind of man that stands by his commitment!

Yeah, but, Abby, listen. No, I'm not married.

I, I was married.

Oh!

What?

She died!

She left you alone

with a lifetime of memories.

No!

I know. You have suffered.

But life has given you a second chance,

and you must grab it, Gary!

Grab it with both hands!

Chuck.

Ellen, hi.

I'm sorry I'm early, but I was in the neighborhood and I...

No, that's not true.

Uh, actually, I, I just couldn't wait to see you.

I'm glad.

Well, come in.

Okay.

Uh, these are for you.

Oh, Chuck, they're beautiful.

Well, let me go put them in some water.

Okay.

Do you want something to drink?

No, I'll wait until we, uh, we have dinner.

Okay.

Well, why don't you take off your jacket

and make yourself comfortable?

Oh, they're really beautiful.

I've always loved roses.

Chuck...

who's Abby?

What?

This card, it says, "To Gary, From Abby".

Let me see that.

Oh, the stupid florist.

They must have changed the orders...

And I had roses, too. Huh.

No, that's not true.

Actually, uh, these were sent to my partner,

and it didn't seem like he wanted 'em, so I took 'em.

Oh.

I mean, I figured why waste the 50 bucks?

Not that you're not worth 50 bucks.

Gosh, you're worth much more than 50 bucks.

You're worth a million billion zillion dollars.

Chuck, it's okay.

I like a man who's practical...

who's honest.

I like you.

You do?

Just, um, get rid of the card next time.

Right.

Mr. Hines, my name is Chuck Fishman,

and, uh, I'm the guy that dinged

your blue Mercedes last weekend.

Well, uh, actually, it was more than dinged.

I, I imagine you need a whole new door.

Anyway, I can be reached at McGinty's Bar.

And, uh, we're listed in the phone book. Thank you.

What was that all about?

The truth, Gare.

The whole truth, and nothing but.

I'm telling you, it's... it's gonna be my new motto.

So, you're clicking with the rabbi, huh?

Oh, yeah. The truth- what a concept.

How's it going with Abby?

Oh, I told her the, the truth.

It didn't work.

Yeah, well, the truth's not for everyone.

Oh, I'm in a real mess.

Abby thinks you're a hero, right?

Yeah. It's not me, it's the paper.

What if the paper made someone else a hero for a change?

If the paper thought someone else was a hero...

You mean Tony?

And down comes the duck.

Wait a second. Now, the paper comes to me.

I'm not supposed to loan out the paper.

What? It comes with instructions? I don't think so.

Well, no, it doesn't, but...

Look, the paper got you into this mess,

let it help you get out of it.

Well, how do you suppose it's gonna do that?

Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl.

Boy gets paper.

Paper helps boy get girl back.

Gary loses girl. End credit.

Well, I-I suppose, yeah, I- if it was a small story.

Something, uh, something minor.

Something harmless.

Something, uh, like this.

I don't understand.

Wh-What do you want me to do?

I just want you to watch after her.

It's a dangerous park,

and I don't want anything to happen to her.

What is going to happen?

Well, nothing's gonna happen to her, Tony,

because you're gonna be watching her.

I'll be right back.

Oh, eshpet! Una momente.

Thanks, Tony.

What? What, Mister?

I don't understand.

Abby?

Oh, Gary.

I am sorry I'm late.

Would you like to take a stroll?

Lead on, MacDuff.

Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

Here, pretty baby.

Come on, pretty baby.

Come on. Here's the corn.

Come on. Come on.

There's 500 benches in this park,

and you've got to pick mine.

I told you,

all the pigeons are here.

What are you doing, Gloria?

I told you, don't feed the pigeons at my bench.

Oh, leave me alone, Herb.

You don't own the bench.

Give me the pigeon food.

Hey! Hey, what are you doing?! That's my purse!

Yeah, I knew you'd call.

Call it fate, call it intuition.

I was looking at the phone,

and I got one of those tingly feelings.

You ever get one of those?

Look, Abby, I-I don't think you heard

what I was trying to say in the library.

Oh, my God, look!

That man's trying to steal that woman's purse, Abby.

Aren't you gonna stop him?

Me? No, I'm not gonna get involved.

I'm not the hero type.

Why, look, look,

that, that looks like Tony.

That is Tony.

Now that's a brave man.

Unhand that purse, you scoundrel!

What are you...

Uh-oh.

That's the wrong purse snatcher.

I'm trying to help you!

Oh!

What are you doing?!

Oh, girls, take a look at a real hero.

So I, uh, take it your experiment

of turning Tony into a hero didn't go too well, huh?

Train wreck.

Yeah, that's what I figured.

Thought you had a date with a rabbi.

Oh, yeah. She invited me to her service; her gig.

I left early.

Isn't that kind of, uh, frowned upon?

I couldn't take it anymore.

You should have heard her sermon.

We all know the story of Daniel; thrown into the lion pit,

kept alive by the virtue of his honesty.

Tonight I want to talk about the Daniels among us;

people who can teach us something about the truth.

And I want to talk about one man in particular.

This is a man who is not afraid

to admit that he cries regularly.

And this is a man who has no need to create a fake persona,

a shield.

This is a man who, who's proud to show the world his flaws.

Yes, um, he can be shallow, but honestly shallow.

And yes, like the rest of us, he can be superficial, vain,

but honest about it. Always honest.

Like this time he took his date to a Greek restaurant...

Obviously, she likes you.

I mean, the guy she's describing, it's you.

That's just it.

I couldn't stand the guy she was describing.

Who could?

I'd like to track that guy down

and beat the living snot out of him.

That guy is ruining it

for everyone else.

He's raising the bar to a level of impossible heights.

He's a wimp, a loser and a jerk.

And worst of all, Gare,

the guy she was talking about was me.

Fishman. I'm looking for Chuck Fishman.

What do you need?

I'm looking for Chuck Fishman.

Who are you?

Hines.

Chester Hines.

Fishman trashed my Mercedes.

Which one is he?

Him.

Hey.

Here.

Put this on.

What's that?

It's my heart.

Ah.

Believe me, couple of weeks, no one will notice.

That guy was pretty fast for his size, huh?

What happened to the new Chuck?

You know, the truth, the whole truth,

nothing but the truth Chuck.

It got old.

Tony.

No!

You do not say a word to me!

Chuck, someone's looking for you up front.

Tell you what, I'm gonna let you two have your privacy.

Tony...

Look, Tony, what-what happened today at the park,

it was all a mistake.

It was my mistake.

No.

The only mistake was me thinking that a woman like Abby

would ever be interested in a man like me.

Congratulations, Mr. Hobson.

You've won.

But I beg you, take good care of Abby.

Wait.

Where you going?

To Palermo, where I will sit and wait

for word that you have died.

Because until you do,

no man stands a chance with Abby!

I'll finish packing in the morning.

"Fatal accident at library, woman crushed.

"A woman was crushed to death yesterday morning

"at the Chicago Public Library, when a hanging mobile

"fell from the ceiling.

"The victim was attending a weekly meeting

of the Bronte reading society. "

Abby...

Gary! Hi.

The-the Nelson Reading Room,

the-the Bronte reading society, they're meeting today?

Yeah.

Where are they doing that?

At the end of that hall.

"... were so angry, they flung me out onto the heath

on top of Wuthering Heights. "

Whoa!

Gary...

Not now, Abby.

Ladies!

Get out of the way!

Hey!

"I am... "

Hey, lady, get out of the way, would you?

No!

Uh...

You, you'll just save anyone, won't you?

Abby...

You're just an indiscriminate saver.

Excuse me?

No, no, don't try that puppy dog look on me.

Save it for the Bronte society women

or the, or the Jane Austin group; they'll be here at 3:00.

Maybe you'll get lucky, one of them will have a coronary.

Abby...

Look, Abby...

I thought what we had was special.

We don't have anything.

That's what I've been trying to tell you, but you don't listen!

Well, I'm listening now.

Oh, no...

Look, Abby, you're a very smart woman.

I- you've memorized more books than-than I'll ever read,

but-but for such a smart woman, sometimes you can be very dense.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, it means, open up your eyes.

You blew it.

Look, there's a guy out there who-who's in love with you.

A real guy, not-not a romance novel guy, but-but a guy who,

a guy who would give up his life for you.

And-and I think, if you just lift your eyes up

out of your book and-and look around,

I think you might feel the same way for him.

I got to go.

I like you, Ellen.

I really do.

It's just...

I'm gonna get right to the point here.

You and me, it's not gonna work out.

What?

I can't do it anymore.

The problem-

the problem is that the truth-

and I mean this literally-

the truth hurts.

Oh, God, how did that happen?!

Ever since I met you,

my life has taken a turn for the weird.

The weird?

You've had a tremendous impact on me, Ellen.

You've changed my life.

And I don't like it.

Oh.

Last week, I dented a guy's blue Mercedes.

And, uh, like an idiot, I gave him my name.

He came to see me yesterday.

And he hit you in the face?

No, not me.

He popped my best friend Gary.

It was the guy who came in after him.

The cable guy,

the former cable guy.

I gave him 50 bucks to get free HBO two years ago.

So I called the cable company because,

you know, total honesty,

and I told them exactly what happened.

He lost his job, and, uh, he wanted to talk things over.

So, you're-you're breaking up with me

because when you're with me, you're...

Honest.

Compulsively honest.

Truthful.

Nice.

I see.

That-that's certainly a new one.

Well...

I'm sorry, Chuck.

Well, I'll be seeing you around.

You mean that?

No.

Maybe on the high holidays.

Buy a ticket.

Right.

"Dear Miss Abby,

"I am finally through with Great Expectations.

"I apologize for its lateness.

"Attached, please find my overdue fine of $1.24.

"Thank you for all your book recommendations.

"You're a kind and patient woman.

"I am returning to Sicily,

"but I will think of you fondly.

"My feelings remain unnegotiated. Antonio. "

Thank you.

Ah, that's cold.

So it's all over for Tony, huh?

That's too bad.

Love is tough.

Oh, you got that right, Robin.

You know, there are some mysteries

that-that will never be solved.

Here comes one of them right now.

Excuse me.

Gary.

Abby.

Uh, we're kind of busy right now, so...

Actually, I was here to see Tony.

Tony?

Uh, Tony's back in the kitchen.

But...

he's cleaning out his stuff.

Tony.

Abby.

What are you...?

I made a mistake.

I thought I had fallen in love with a hero.

But I had no idea

what a hero really was.

Anyone can run around and save princesses from burning castles.

That doesn't take a hero, it just takes good timing.

But two days ago, I met a real hero,

a man who had the courage to stand in front

of the woman he loved and show her his heart.

Can you forgive me?

Well, somebody pack my bags.

I'm going straight to hell.

I did it, I dumped the rabbi.

You got socked in the eye by a rabbi?

Well, not quite.

It's a, it's a long, complicated story, Gary.

Ice?

Thanks. Mm.

I'll get you another one.

You know, Gare, this love stuff-

it's-it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Right now, I am inclined to agree with you.

Gary.

You do nice work.

Yeah.

Hey, Gare,

you have a visitor.

Gary Hobson?

Can I help you?

I just wanted to thank you for saving my life.

Cheers.

Uh, I, uh...