Original subtitles

We'll get you down, Whiskers.

[MEWS]

Fire Marshall, Division Six.

We'll take it from here.

Who are these guys?

You never heard of us 'cause we're your best kept secret.

Dig?

That's an undocumented Macurdian sporting

non-department- issue-concealment.

Nothing is what it seems. I got it.

But this cat's mine.

Easy, Tiger.

You don't know what you're dealing with.

[SIGHS]

Plead all you want.[HISSING]

We're shippin' your mangy tail back to outer space.

[SCREAMING]

Ahhh!

[GROANS]

[ROARING]

Here.

Steee-rike.

KAY: Gentlemen, watch the birdy.

You've got a lot to learn, Slick.

Uh-huh.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

List the distinguishing characteristics of a Raynissian Skeezaloid.

No sweat.

Cheese-head dude with 17 digestive systems.

Wrong. That's a Noborian Skeezaloid.

Different moon.

Trick question.

You didn't do your reading, did you?

Hmm. Maybe.

KAY: You're not in the NYPD anymore, Junior.

If you're gonna tangle with a Skeezaloid,

you better know how to cuff him.

By the wrists?

Skeezaloids don't even have arms.

JAY: I know how to apprehend this alien.

With a rolled newspaper, and a short leash.

Stop, you're killing me.

I'm gonna choke on a biscuit, you're so funny.

Where'd you get such a wit for a partner, Kay?

Wrong again, sport.

This is not any newspaper.

This is the hot-sheets.

Nothin' is what is seems. Right, Frank?

I'm livin' proof, baby.

Read them.

Know them.

Okay, okay.

"Shellfish arrive from outer space."

A little far-fetched, don't you think?

Jumbo Martians with cocktail sauce. [LAUGHS]

Kay?

Hope you like the beach.

Shellfish thing is true?

The hot-sheets never lie.

Now what?

We're goin' in.

And we are wading in filth, why?

Remember the shellfish overpopulation a few years back?

It gummed up half the city's waterlines.

They weren't shellfish.

[DEVICE BEEPING]

They were aliens.

Human beings tend to label that which they don't understand.

Makes them feel like they've got a handle on things.

So, what was it we human beings

didn't have a handle on?

Skraaldians.

From the planet Skraal.

They thrive in moist, humid climates.

Such as this fragrant palace.

KAY: They also multiply like gangbusters and they're grouchy.

You don't want to cross one.

[GASPS]

[SCREAMING]

I told you not to cross one. Use this.

And you wonder why we don't want them on Earth.

Release the safety catch, Tex.

[GROANING]

You'll need to recalibrate.

Recalibrate?

Reject. Say hello to my oyster shooter.

No!

[SCREAMING]

Noisy cricket! Ha!

Shelled you like a peanut!

Ugh!

Just a couple of CPA's having a clam bake, folks.

Don't forget to file your tax returns.

Cleanup, aisle seven.

Bring a scooper.

It lobbed on me.

Never use a noisy cricket on a Skraaldian.

Why not?Blows 'em up.

That's a bad thing? Dude was gonna mess up your haircut.

No. The dude was only gonna sting me.

I would have swelled up and turned the color of rotten eggplant,

but only for a week.

My mistake.

One you'll never make again.

What? You gonna fire me for saving your...

You're marked, Jay.

MIB dry cleaning will handle it.

You don't understand.

Permanently marked.

This is the last suit you'll ever wear marked.

You're a dead man marked.

Skraaldians possess a hive mentality.

They're psychically linked.

They saw what you did, they know what you look like, and they know where you live.

All of them.

Well, it's not the first time bad dudes have been out to get me.

Listen, Slick, this is a whole planet of dudes dedicated to your demise.

Four billion assassins locked onto your DNA, thinking about you every three seconds.

You're a celebrity, son.

Why didn't you tell me any of this before?

It's all there in black and white.

Can't we just nuke their planet?

Out of the question.

MIB's jurisdiction extends only as far as earth's atmosphere.

What.. What am I gonna do?

You? Nothing.

Leave it to me.What are you gonna do?

Leave it to the Twins.

They always come up with something.

Never mind Battery Park.

They're in the Brooklyn Zoo Orangutan enclosure.

It seems Karnelians like to hurl their...

Jay.

Jay? Heard the news, kid.

Sorry about the Skraaldian thing,

but if anybody can get you through this, it's Kay.

Effie? Shake down Bobo the Squat.

I don't want him doing diddly.

Whoa. Zed? Chief?

What do you mean if?

He may not show it, but this is breaking his heart.

ZED: Bee, have the twins line up another rookie.

Huh?Standard procedure.

Kay, I hear you may be in the market for a new partner.

Consider me.

I'm itching to get out of the lab.

You told Elle?

Not me.

I told.

It's always sad when the new guy goes.

But I'm not dead yet.

Don't. They're upset enough as it is.

Look, this is ridiculous.

Even if I am marked, who knows when the Skraal guys'll strike?

Could be today, could be 40 years from now.

Probably today.

Well, we're gonna have to have a look in your trunk, sir.

Problem?Code 51.

Visitor trying to smuggle illicit goods.

Seems like sort of a exo-skeleton.

Oh boy.

[ROARING]

[JAY SCREAMING]

Kay!I've got just the thing.

What?

What thing? Shoot it!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[AGENTS SHOUTING]

[GROANS]

[SCREECHING]

[BEEPING]

No.

No.

No.

Kay! Shoot it!

No.

No.

No.

Kay!

Yes.

Icer. Good thinking.

You know about these?

I read the hot-sheets.

So keep me in mind, huh?

We'll do lunch.

This mean you're marked, too?

I iced it. I didn't blow it up.

Let's see if the twins have come up with anything.

Bob! What have we got?

[TWINS SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Cake?

Twins will always come up with something, huh?

Shh. You'll hurt their feelings.

Jay, you know I was kidding back there about being your replacement.

Well, you all seem to be taking my predicament a little lightly.

Only because you're not going anywhere.

Kay won't let that happen.

Yeah? Well, I can't afford to be so sure.

You got anything for me?

One of these?

Icer? Cool.

Anything else?

JAY: Heads up, everyone.

Slick is in the house.

Whoa!

Now why did you have to go and do that?

What's it matter? They're comin' to off me either way.

Yeah, but now they'll probably put you in the soup.

The soup?

ZED: Kay? Emergency.

Distress signal from the Arquillian Ambassador.

The signal came from a seafood restaurant.

JAY: Can I at least drive?

KAY: Not today.But I may not see tomorrow.

Maybe later.[TIRES SCREECHING]

[CHOKING]

Nothing's coming out.

KAY: Paramedics, Division Six. We'll take it from here.

[CHOKING]

Huh!

Alien projectile vomits twice in one day?

No, Skraaldians. The place is clean.

Hmm. I gagged on a prawn.

Must've gone up the wrong pipe.

Your attention, people.

Tonight's dessert menu features...

Idea. We take your neutralizer,

zap the next chowder head we see, and wipe all of their memories clean.

Hive mentality, see?

Nice try. Neutralizer's are designed to modify human memory cells.

Skraaldians possess a different genetic makeup.

This experience has made me realize how delicate life is.

We are all so vulnerable.

One moment we're eating seafood, the next we're eating dirt.

I owe you my life, Kay.

Could we please change the subject?

What's with him?

Blew up a Skraaldian.

Blew up a Skraaldian?

Why didn't he just jump off the Empire State Building?

[THUD]Ow! Watch the face.

[DEVICE BEEPING]

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

KAY: Okay, guys, keep me posted.

Twins are workin' double shift.

You know, this is the spot where I decided to join the MIB.

Regrets?

Well, you shouldn't have any.

Let's do something you always wanted to do.

Drive the LTD?

Nice try, Slick. Not gonna happen.

I usually watch what I eat,

but, what the heck.

Hot dog. With the works.

Those things'll kill you.

Told you those things'll will kill you.

Ah, you... You guys must have me confused with someone else.

You see, my... My name is...

Nice try, Slick, but they locked onto your DNA, remember?

Right!

Got one too. Parting gift from Elle.

I think she liked me.

You're not dead yet. Let's hit the road.

Ahhh!

You pushed the button, Slick!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

KAY: Never push the button.

We in the clear?

[RUMBLING]

Hold that thought.

What'd they say?

Something about soup.

[PHONE BEEPING]

That's me.

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

KAY: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm

I see.

You're sure now?

Okay.

Well?

Twins came up with something.

[SKRAALDIANS SCREECHING]

What was that?

The worst thing you can do to a Skraaldian.

Worse than blowin' them up?

Much worse.

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Yup. They're really upset.

Probably won't even wait to get me back to their planet before putting the soup on.

Wait, what do you mean, you?

You're off the hook, sport.

They're beef is with me now.

Wait a second. You can't go.

They marked me.

The DNA.

I just made them forget all about you.

You didn't show them your mucilage.

Kay?What?

Don't. We'll... We'll go together.

Both of us get whacked?

Explain that to Zed.

But what will I tell Zed?

Tell him to give you a grievance day.

Then take the LTD for a spin.

Goodbye, partner.

Thanks, Kay.

I appreciate the gesture.

Must be what, two, three thousand degrees?

I can hold my breath a long time, you know.

KAY: Whaddya say, sport?

No time to stand around blubbering.

We've got places to go.

Skeezaloids to apprehend.

[STAMMERING] That...That.

[STAMMERING] Was...

Was me.

A remarkable simulation, actually.

Let's just say a friend owed me a favor.

[LAUGHING]

But the switch.

When?Minutiae.

What's important right now is that with a little wax,

the Twins'll get the LTD looking like new.

Which means, scooter, I can't let you drive it.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]