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1
00:00:11,544 --> 00:00:14,013
(whirring)
2
00:00:14,114 --> 00:00:16,515
(music playing)
3
00:00:17,384 --> 00:00:19,351
(computer alert beeping)
4
00:00:19,452 --> 00:00:22,388
Ab, Ab, Ab-- No joke, today is the day
5
00:00:22,489 --> 00:00:24,189
we become Abbi and Ilana, the boss bitches
6
00:00:24,290 --> 00:00:25,691
we are in our minds.
7
00:00:25,792 --> 00:00:26,825
Are you with me?
8
00:00:26,926 --> 00:00:29,094
Yeah, I'm with
you, awesome.
9
00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:32,831
Are you--
Is that the whole thing?
10
00:00:32,932 --> 00:00:34,333
Obviously I have a plan.
11
00:00:34,434 --> 00:00:38,303
Tonight we are going to see a
secret pop-up Lil Wayne concert
12
00:00:38,405 --> 00:00:39,471
at Bowery Ballroom.
13
00:00:39,572 --> 00:00:41,707
I can't, I'm so broke.
No excuses, girl.
14
00:00:41,808 --> 00:00:43,575
I'm getting big ol' balls of mozzarella today.
15
00:00:43,676 --> 00:00:44,576
Chea-- Get it!
16
00:00:44,677 --> 00:00:46,311
Chea-- Harder.
17
00:00:46,413 --> 00:00:48,280
You're gonna have to speak
in English for me.
18
00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:50,649
I am getting my paycheck today and I can spot you, bitch!
19
00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:51,917
I wish that I could,
20
00:00:52,018 --> 00:00:54,720
but I am so close to finishing
season one of "Damages,"
21
00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:57,689
and I made, this,
like, amazing cashew stir-fry
22
00:00:57,791 --> 00:00:59,925
for the week, so I'm
actually pretty booked.
23
00:01:00,026 --> 00:01:01,860
Stir-fry?
24
00:01:01,961 --> 00:01:04,096
Can I talk to the Abbi who stole a van?
25
00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:06,765
Ab, you're so stuck in your little routine.
26
00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:08,367
I bet you schedule when you jack off.
27
00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:12,237
Schedule when I ja--
(exhales deeply)
28
00:01:12,338 --> 00:01:14,106
Oh, my God.
29
00:01:14,207 --> 00:01:15,307
Is that Lincoln?
30
00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:16,408
Yep.
31
00:01:16,509 --> 00:01:17,609
Is he insideof you?
32
00:01:17,710 --> 00:01:18,710
Yep.
33
00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:19,878
I'm just keeping him warm.
34
00:01:19,979 --> 00:01:21,580
All right-- Let's just set
some ground rules here
35
00:01:21,681 --> 00:01:23,115
for everybody involved.
36
00:01:23,216 --> 00:01:25,184
I don't want tosee you have sex.
37
00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:26,785
Let's try andavoid that.
38
00:01:26,886 --> 00:01:28,987
Lincoln, you seem well.
39
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,956
Thank you-- I've been
doing this no-bread diet
40
00:01:31,057 --> 00:01:32,591
and it's pretty good.
41
00:01:32,692 --> 00:01:33,659
It's been working.
42
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,294
All right--
I'm gonna head out, then.
43
00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:36,762
Peace, bye.
44
00:01:36,863 --> 00:01:37,763
That was hot--
That was cool.
45
00:01:37,864 --> 00:01:39,698
That was like a threesome,
in a way.
46
00:01:39,799 --> 00:01:41,633
Uh, Ilana,
what are we doing?
47
00:01:41,734 --> 00:01:43,335
Are we just having sex,
hooking up?
48
00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:44,570
Are we dating?
49
00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:45,671
What is this?
50
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:48,907
This is purely
physical.
51
00:01:49,008 --> 00:01:50,943
Why does this
always happen to me?
52
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:53,412
¶ Four and three and two
and one-one ¶
53
00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:03,322
(Abbi)
Climb--
Push it!
54
00:02:03,423 --> 00:02:04,523
Come on!
55
00:02:04,624 --> 00:02:05,657
Let's make some
magic here.
56
00:02:05,758 --> 00:02:06,892
Let's climb it.
57
00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:08,927
Turn up that resistance--
Come on.
58
00:02:09,028 --> 00:02:10,162
Let's do this.
59
00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:12,898
Yes, climb.
60
00:02:12,999 --> 00:02:14,466
Yo, Abbi.
Hey.
61
00:02:14,567 --> 00:02:16,335
Got something
for you.
Okay.
62
00:02:16,436 --> 00:02:17,836
Big ol' clogged toilet
in the girls' room.
63
00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:19,338
It's pretty bad.
64
00:02:19,439 --> 00:02:20,672
You'll know it
when you see it.
65
00:02:20,773 --> 00:02:21,707
Thanks for
the heads-up, Tre.
66
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:22,908
No problem--
Just do me a favor.
67
00:02:23,009 --> 00:02:24,276
Try not to make eye contact
with any members
68
00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:25,544
when you're
holding the plunger.
69
00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:26,745
Really bums 'em out.
70
00:02:26,846 --> 00:02:28,814
Well, I mean, what if
someone just, like, walks--
71
00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:37,689
(man)
Underwater massage?
72
00:02:37,790 --> 00:02:40,125
Yes-- Yes, that
sounds intense.
73
00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:41,326
Great job, killing it.
74
00:02:41,427 --> 00:02:43,562
Who's got more
deals?
75
00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:45,097
Who else
has a deal for me?
76
00:02:45,198 --> 00:02:46,865
Ooh, Nicole, what's
your deal.
77
00:02:46,966 --> 00:02:49,735
I'm kind of obsessed with
these D-I-Y vajazzling seminars
78
00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:52,204
and I feel like they'd be a
really great fit for us.
79
00:02:52,305 --> 00:02:54,239
That is what
I'm talking about.
80
00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:55,574
Do you guys smell that?
81
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:56,675
Come on, sniff
the air.
82
00:02:56,776 --> 00:02:57,776
Oh, what's that odor?
83
00:02:57,877 --> 00:02:59,244
I think it's the scent
of a deal.
84
00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:00,245
Who's got
more deals for me?
85
00:03:00,346 --> 00:03:01,813
Ooh, in the back,
Ilana.
86
00:03:01,915 --> 00:03:04,249
Dope sweatshirt--
What is your deal?
87
00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:07,419
I've been kind of obsessed
with getting paid
88
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,221
and I was wondering
if that's happening today
89
00:03:09,322 --> 00:03:11,957
so we could all
be paid.
90
00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:14,993
Checks, unfortunately,
delayed 'til Friday.
91
00:03:15,094 --> 00:03:16,395
Bummer.
92
00:03:16,496 --> 00:03:17,930
F-M-L, right?
93
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:19,965
Speaking of F-M-L,
went on a third date
94
00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:21,466
with that girl from
Match.com,
95
00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:22,801
to keep you guys updated,
96
00:03:22,902 --> 00:03:24,770
third time, went for the kiss,
third time rejected,
97
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:26,471
but I'll try--
I'll get it.
98
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,209
Let's get
back to our desks.
99
00:03:30,310 --> 00:03:33,011
Deals don't make
themselves.
100
00:03:33,112 --> 00:03:35,714
(Ilana)
Bonjour, petit Wayne.
101
00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:39,017
I am a genius.
102
00:03:39,118 --> 00:03:40,719
(man)
Not so much--
Right, buddy?
103
00:03:40,820 --> 00:03:42,454
That's the look of a
dealer right there.
104
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:43,989
If I was in Las Vegas,
I'd assume you could
105
00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:45,157
move the table limit.
106
00:03:45,258 --> 00:03:46,892
That's how much of a
dealer you are.
107
00:03:50,496 --> 00:03:51,697
Ilana.
Ooh.
108
00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:54,366
Come on,
this is not work.
109
00:03:54,467 --> 00:03:56,201
Oh... Okay,
I'll take lunch.
110
00:03:56,302 --> 00:03:57,469
Please...
111
00:03:57,570 --> 00:03:58,770
Come back today.
112
00:04:04,611 --> 00:04:05,544
Oh!
113
00:04:05,645 --> 00:04:06,678
Ilana.
114
00:04:06,779 --> 00:04:10,015
Don't Black Swan me
like that, dude.
115
00:04:10,116 --> 00:04:11,750
Okay, what are
you even doing here?
116
00:04:11,851 --> 00:04:13,418
Nothing-- Just strolling
through the neighborhood
117
00:04:13,519 --> 00:04:14,453
and wanted to
see my number one.
118
00:04:14,554 --> 00:04:15,821
Oh, really?
119
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:18,390
Okay, listen-- I really
think that you deserve--
Hey.
120
00:04:18,491 --> 00:04:20,359
Sorry, I forgot
about the line.
121
00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:22,194
I'll see you in the
second-class citizen area.
122
00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:24,396
It's called the non-member
pen and you know that.
123
00:04:24,497 --> 00:04:25,998
Ew--
Listen to yourself.
124
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:29,201
I think you deserve like an
Abbi Bueller's day off.
125
00:04:29,302 --> 00:04:30,936
I can't just leave work
in the middle of the day.
126
00:04:31,037 --> 00:04:32,938
Yes, you can--
You just lie and leave.
127
00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:34,973
All they let you do is
fold towels, anyway.
128
00:04:35,074 --> 00:04:36,141
No, they don't.
129
00:04:36,242 --> 00:04:37,909
They let me do a
lot more than that.
130
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:40,979
I wash the towels and then
I dry the towels.
131
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,382
Great... to see you.
132
00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:45,484
Good friend?
Uh-huh, yeah,
she's great.
133
00:04:45,585 --> 00:04:47,753
Also, any day now, a
trainer's gonna be absent
134
00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:52,491
and guess who they're gonna
invite to instruct a class.
135
00:04:52,592 --> 00:04:54,559
I would love for that to
happen, but it's just not.
136
00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:55,661
They don't respect you.
137
00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:56,762
Oh, thank God, Abbi,
there you are.
138
00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:57,963
Tre.
139
00:04:58,064 --> 00:04:59,498
Thank God.
We really need
you, buddy.
140
00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:01,133
Yes, I'm prepared.
141
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:03,302
So...
142
00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:05,404
We got another pube situation
in the women's locker room.
143
00:05:05,505 --> 00:05:07,039
Yeah-- Somebody
really went to town
144
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,173
in the second shower
stall.
145
00:05:08,274 --> 00:05:09,341
And if you
need the snake,
146
00:05:09,442 --> 00:05:10,609
it's probably wherever
you last left it.
147
00:05:10,710 --> 00:05:11,843
I know
where it is, so.
148
00:05:11,944 --> 00:05:13,211
You know, you should just
label it "Abbi's snake,"
149
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,147
you're so good with it.
I don't know if
I wanna...
150
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:17,149
Seriously.
151
00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:19,651
Okay, Abbi,
come on.
152
00:05:19,752 --> 00:05:20,986
Can I get a little more
positivity from you, please?
153
00:05:21,087 --> 00:05:22,020
I'll clean it.
154
00:05:22,121 --> 00:05:23,088
You can be positive,
right?
155
00:05:23,189 --> 00:05:24,890
I know you
can be positive.
156
00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:28,493
Yeah, you know
what?
157
00:05:28,594 --> 00:05:29,695
You know,
I can be positive,
158
00:05:29,796 --> 00:05:31,563
because I actually
might be positive.
159
00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:33,265
I'm dealing with some
pretty scary test results
160
00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:34,866
that are at a clinic
right now
161
00:05:34,967 --> 00:05:36,768
and I have to get
'em, but I'm at work.
162
00:05:36,869 --> 00:05:39,738
I mean, I might be positive in
a blood situation, so...
163
00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:40,939
Is it herpes?
164
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,341
No, it's not.
165
00:05:42,442 --> 00:05:45,911
Genital warts.
No.
166
00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:46,945
Oh, my God.
167
00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:48,280
Abbi.
168
00:05:48,381 --> 00:05:49,614
Is it the big one?
169
00:05:49,716 --> 00:05:51,149
It could be
the big one.
170
00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:52,317
Abbi, you gotta get
those results?
171
00:05:52,418 --> 00:05:53,518
I gotta get
the pubes.
172
00:05:53,619 --> 00:05:55,053
Don't worry
about the pubes, Abbi.
173
00:05:55,154 --> 00:05:56,655
Get your results.
174
00:05:56,756 --> 00:05:59,057
Blaise, there you are--
Would you get to class?
175
00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:01,693
Abbi.
176
00:06:01,794 --> 00:06:02,894
Let me know
if you have AIDS.
177
00:06:02,995 --> 00:06:05,097
You'll be the first one
that I tell.
178
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,832
When I find out.
179
00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:19,177
Okay, so tickets
are 50 each.
180
00:06:19,278 --> 00:06:21,213
Obviously, we
need an eighth.
Ok.
181
00:06:21,314 --> 00:06:24,015
Plus drinks, that's like
200 bucks total.
182
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:26,351
And since Todd wouldn't
give me my paycheck.
183
00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:28,653
Girl!
184
00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:31,289
You took all of
his office supplies.
185
00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,592
Listen, what I do
at my place of work
186
00:06:33,693 --> 00:06:35,594
is none of your godamn
business, okay?
187
00:06:35,695 --> 00:06:38,663
Okay, I think you really
need to be fired really soon.
I know.
188
00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:42,601
("What a Wonderful World"
playing)
189
00:06:42,702 --> 00:06:43,902
Oh, I love this song.
190
00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:46,204
Ugh--
This is a slave song.
191
00:06:46,305 --> 00:06:47,773
It's not
a slave song.
192
00:06:47,874 --> 00:06:49,040
Yes, it is.
193
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:50,342
It's widely known
by the black community
194
00:06:50,443 --> 00:06:52,711
that "What a Wonderful World"
is, like, a slave song.
195
00:06:52,812 --> 00:06:54,246
Right, right, right, I
totally forgot that you're,
196
00:06:54,347 --> 00:06:56,281
like, the voice of the whole
black community.
197
00:06:56,382 --> 00:06:57,983
It's a thing--
Google it.
198
00:06:58,084 --> 00:06:59,284
It's in
a Fugees song.
199
00:06:59,385 --> 00:07:01,753
Wyclef's like, "And I think
to myself."
200
00:07:01,854 --> 00:07:03,088
He's like
angry about it.
201
00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:05,257
I feel like all we ever talk
about is black people
202
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:07,859
and slaver...y...
203
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:08,860
Hi.
204
00:07:08,961 --> 00:07:10,829
I would like to
return these items.
205
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,330
I once owned them
personally,
206
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,566
but I have no
use for them now, so.
207
00:07:16,068 --> 00:07:19,304
Your total comes
to $135.67.
208
00:07:19,405 --> 00:07:20,639
Yes!
Shit-- Yes!
209
00:07:22,141 --> 00:07:23,742
Oh.
210
00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:27,746
You know, we'd love
to get that in liquid cash.
Yeah.
211
00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:32,451
Okay.
212
00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:33,885
Okay, what about
my fishbowl of change?
213
00:07:33,986 --> 00:07:35,887
There's got to be, like, 30
or 40 bucks in there?
214
00:07:35,988 --> 00:07:37,289
Can you leave?
215
00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:39,491
Yeah, we're gonna--
We're ending
the convo.
216
00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:43,795
¶¶
217
00:07:46,365 --> 00:07:48,667
(man)
Justin, Justin, there's
a sniper there-- Oh!
218
00:07:48,768 --> 00:07:50,368
I just
told you that!
219
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,270
Oh, my God.
220
00:07:52,371 --> 00:07:53,705
Hey, guys.
221
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:54,873
Hey.
Yo.
222
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:56,608
What gun are
you using?
223
00:07:56,709 --> 00:07:59,544
Ah, you got
the variable zoom on that.
224
00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:01,446
Oh, I'll have to check
that out.
225
00:08:01,547 --> 00:08:03,849
Sorry, Ilana, all that
cheese you wanted is gone.
226
00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:07,052
It looks like somebody
ate it all.
227
00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,086
That sucks.
228
00:08:08,187 --> 00:08:09,321
Cheese is dope.
229
00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:12,324
Uh-oh, UAV inbound
courtesy of yours truly.
230
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:14,326
(with funny voice)
You're welcome.
231
00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:15,760
Hey, Bevers.
232
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:19,698
So I noticed that you
ate all of my cheese again.
233
00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:20,832
Could you not
do that?
234
00:08:20,933 --> 00:08:21,900
Or maybe
get more?
235
00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:23,068
I'm sorry.
236
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,769
I actually didn't realize
it was your cheese.
237
00:08:24,871 --> 00:08:26,905
I labeled
it pretty clearly.
238
00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:28,473
Mm-hmm, I see.
239
00:08:28,574 --> 00:08:31,343
Maybe in the future if you do
that, put it on, like--
240
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:34,746
Like, all six sides
of the cheese brick.
241
00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:36,214
Yeah.
242
00:08:36,315 --> 00:08:37,849
Well, maybe you can
just restock it, then?
243
00:08:37,950 --> 00:08:39,551
I can put on some sweats and
run out if you want me to.
244
00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:40,685
Yeah, okay.
Or, you know...
245
00:08:40,786 --> 00:08:41,786
(laughing)
246
00:08:41,888 --> 00:08:42,821
I'm not talking
to you!
247
00:08:42,922 --> 00:08:44,089
I'm talking
to my roommate!
248
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:45,257
You're not my
roommate.
249
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,192
You're my
roommate's boyfriend.
What?
250
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:49,461
Oh, also,
the toilet's clogged.
251
00:08:49,562 --> 00:08:51,096
My bad.
252
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,964
You know, I think I'm
lactose intolerant.
253
00:08:53,065 --> 00:08:54,966
Good thing you ate
all that cheese.
254
00:08:55,067 --> 00:08:57,102
You know that there's a
plunger in the bathroom.
255
00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:58,336
It's right next
to the toilet.
256
00:08:58,437 --> 00:08:59,638
It's like,
right within...
257
00:08:59,739 --> 00:09:01,339
I do know that, but I
also know that you told me
258
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:03,275
not to touch your stuff
in the bathroom.
259
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:04,342
Right.
260
00:09:04,443 --> 00:09:05,343
That's
my mistake.
261
00:09:05,444 --> 00:09:06,878
Yeah.
You disgust me.
262
00:09:06,979 --> 00:09:08,380
What?
263
00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:11,049
Oh-- Sergeant
first class!
264
00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:13,118
I just
ranked up, Abbi!
265
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:15,820
Yes, I placed
the Jewess ad.
266
00:09:15,922 --> 00:09:18,023
Both of us are
over 18, yeah.
267
00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:19,991
Under 18, I said.
268
00:09:20,092 --> 00:09:21,726
We're both under 18,
we're young teens--
269
00:09:21,827 --> 00:09:24,496
Hello?
270
00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:25,931
Goddammit.
271
00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:30,602
Okay.
272
00:09:32,104 --> 00:09:38,109
¶ At the bottom of
the ocean ¶¶
273
00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:39,578
Hey, somebody
left a dank turd--
274
00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:42,581
Oh, my God.
275
00:09:42,682 --> 00:09:44,049
You still have your
performance bib, right?
276
00:09:44,150 --> 00:09:45,350
Yeah, duh.
277
00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:47,953
This is gonna make a dent
in the Weezy fund, dude.
278
00:09:48,054 --> 00:09:49,120
Huge dent.
279
00:09:49,221 --> 00:09:50,188
(man)
Did you call me?
280
00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:51,990
No, Matt, I didn't
call you!
281
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:53,491
It's like, why
would we call you?
282
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,094
It's like he's constantly
in my face.
283
00:09:56,195 --> 00:09:57,796
It kills me that he lives
here and doesn't pay a cent.
284
00:09:57,897 --> 00:10:02,167
I feel dirtier when I leave
the shower because his hair--
285
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,536
his hair is, like,
all over my body.
286
00:10:04,637 --> 00:10:06,738
It's like I have to see
your dick in your shorts.
God!
287
00:10:10,142 --> 00:10:12,110
You know, one side is
always gonna be hamstrung
288
00:10:12,211 --> 00:10:13,845
by the other side's
Congress, you know?
289
00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:15,647
It just doesn't matter--
We're done.
290
00:10:15,748 --> 00:10:17,215
We're done
as a country.
291
00:10:17,316 --> 00:10:18,950
Matt, did you just
call me?
292
00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:25,790
(clattering)
293
00:10:32,264 --> 00:10:34,599
(in slow motion)
Jeremy.
294
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:37,335
¶¶
295
00:10:38,771 --> 00:10:40,505
¶ The sun ¶
296
00:10:40,606 --> 00:10:42,874
¶ The sun blows
over the sea ¶
297
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:44,142
(normal time)
Hey, Abbi.
298
00:10:44,243 --> 00:10:46,144
(still in slow motion)
Hey...
299
00:10:46,245 --> 00:10:47,679
Making up a batch of
my famous peppercorn
300
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:49,047
and cardamom cider
beer.
301
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:51,349
I'm not gonna
finish it all myself.
302
00:10:51,450 --> 00:10:55,620
You need someone
else.
303
00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:58,890
We're making
eye contact.
304
00:10:58,991 --> 00:11:01,359
You'll let me
know, then?
305
00:11:01,460 --> 00:11:05,864
Your arms...
306
00:11:05,965 --> 00:11:07,632
(man in slow motion)
Abbi...
307
00:11:07,733 --> 00:11:10,435
Abbi...
308
00:11:10,536 --> 00:11:11,936
Abbi!
309
00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:13,104
Thank God
I caught you.
310
00:11:13,205 --> 00:11:14,372
And that
you're in gym shorts.
311
00:11:14,473 --> 00:11:15,707
Mm-hmm.
312
00:11:15,808 --> 00:11:18,810
Anyway, just so you know,
we need toilet paper.
313
00:11:18,911 --> 00:11:21,012
Oh, we need it--
We do?
314
00:11:21,113 --> 00:11:22,213
Well, if
you don't mind,
315
00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:24,149
I mean, since you're
going out anyway.
316
00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:25,383
Is there anything
else that I can get you,
317
00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:26,418
maybe, when I'm out?
318
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:27,886
Well, I
wasn't gonna ask
319
00:11:27,987 --> 00:11:31,556
but I have been hankering
for something sweet.
320
00:11:31,657 --> 00:11:33,324
Like a hot cookie?
321
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:35,193
Soft but
not moist.
322
00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:38,196
Or, surprise me!
323
00:11:38,297 --> 00:11:40,765
Kill you in your sleep,
how's that for a surprise?
324
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:46,071
Yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes.
325
00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:48,006
I got a special delivery
for you, Ilana.
326
00:11:48,107 --> 00:11:49,174
Thank you
so much, I--
327
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:50,208
I brought your
beautiful thing, too.
328
00:11:50,309 --> 00:11:51,643
Oh.
329
00:11:51,744 --> 00:11:54,612
Jaime, you are the best roommate
and best friend I've ever had.
330
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,481
When you're ready
to become a citizen,
331
00:11:56,582 --> 00:11:58,049
my legs are
wide open.
332
00:11:58,150 --> 00:12:00,819
I don't think that's how
it works, but thank you.
333
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:03,021
Jaime, Himmels, Hymes--
How are you?
334
00:12:03,122 --> 00:12:06,424
Good.
Are you stoned
right now?
335
00:12:06,525 --> 00:12:08,326
Yeah.
Good, so regarding the pot...
336
00:12:08,427 --> 00:12:11,029
Mmm-hmm.
we can get you
that 60 bucks ASAP.
337
00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:13,431
Okay.
Or...
338
00:12:13,532 --> 00:12:17,702
this office warehouse
giftcard has $135 on it.
339
00:12:17,803 --> 00:12:20,605
Whoa.
I know, it's like, what
do they even have there?
340
00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:22,507
Only any office supply
known to man.
341
00:12:22,608 --> 00:12:24,242
I mean, I think
they even have food now.
342
00:12:24,343 --> 00:12:25,543
Oh, yeah--
No, I'll take it.
343
00:12:25,644 --> 00:12:26,678
There's like,
lamps.
344
00:12:26,779 --> 00:12:27,912
Please--
Tons of stuff.
345
00:12:28,013 --> 00:12:29,114
Give it to me.
346
00:12:29,215 --> 00:12:30,315
Yeah--
That's good...
347
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,617
Trade?
I'll take it.
348
00:12:32,718 --> 00:12:34,486
Yes.
Yes.
349
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,087
(warming up voice)
Bah, bah,
black sheep.
350
00:12:36,188 --> 00:12:38,056
Dude, the card worked.
Yes.
351
00:12:38,157 --> 00:12:40,058
Now we only
need 140.
352
00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:41,626
Easy, we're done.
We're doing it, dude,
353
00:12:41,727 --> 00:12:42,961
we're getting there.
354
00:12:43,062 --> 00:12:43,962
Is that Lincoln?
355
00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:46,064
(straw squeaks)
356
00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:48,700
Why is he doing this
to me before curtain?
357
00:12:50,336 --> 00:12:52,737
(warming up voice)
Bah, bah,
black sheep.
358
00:12:52,838 --> 00:12:54,105
Lincoln, why are
you here?
359
00:12:54,206 --> 00:12:55,140
No offense.
360
00:12:55,241 --> 00:12:56,674
I saw your tweet,
so I wanted to stop by,
361
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,243
but I wanted to respect
your space.
362
00:12:58,344 --> 00:12:59,544
That's why
I'm hanging back.
363
00:12:59,645 --> 00:13:00,578
That's cool.
364
00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:02,914
I respect you
respecting me.
365
00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:04,048
Yeah?
366
00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:06,117
I'm gonna respect
your dick later.
367
00:13:08,654 --> 00:13:10,421
(tapping)
368
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:12,557
Yeah!
369
00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:15,326
Weekdays
are tough.
370
00:13:15,427 --> 00:13:18,496
It's early
for lunch.
371
00:13:18,597 --> 00:13:21,432
They just need time to find
the audience, you know?
372
00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:22,700
The first
season of "Seinfeld,"
373
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,502
not that many people
saw that show,
374
00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:27,038
but it got
time to grow.
375
00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:29,240
Yeah.
376
00:13:29,341 --> 00:13:31,442
Oh, we got
a fan.
377
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:33,344
We got a fan,
hey, hey, hey.
378
00:13:34,947 --> 00:13:37,715
Me and Ilana, we really
don't like to use labels.
379
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,184
We try to be more
progressive.
380
00:13:39,285 --> 00:13:41,119
We have a
real connection.
381
00:13:44,256 --> 00:13:46,758
Oh, she's break dancing,
that's cool.
382
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,495
All right,
let's pick it up.
383
00:13:52,198 --> 00:13:53,665
Who teaches
the bucket drummers?
384
00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:58,369
I never seen a bucket drummer
class listed anywhere.
385
00:13:58,470 --> 00:14:00,805
(clapping, cheering)
386
00:14:02,708 --> 00:14:04,375
She should be
giving us, like, 25%.
387
00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:06,678
We can't do this
anymore.
388
00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:07,679
This is insane.
389
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:09,247
We're like--
Where'd the music go?
390
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:10,682
(crowd)
Boo!
391
00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:12,217
Are you
kidding me?
392
00:14:12,318 --> 00:14:14,319
No-- She wouldn't even have
anything to dance to
393
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:15,587
if it wasn't for us!
394
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:16,955
(man)
You suck!
395
00:14:17,056 --> 00:14:18,857
What--
Shut up!
396
00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:21,426
All right.
397
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:24,062
You come out and
you try to do some good.
398
00:14:24,163 --> 00:14:25,864
Stop!
399
00:14:25,965 --> 00:14:27,065
Grow up!
400
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:31,035
I just don't understand why
she took the fishbowl.
401
00:14:31,136 --> 00:14:33,538
I would have
given it to her.
402
00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:36,274
Homeless people need supplies,
I don't know.
I know.
403
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:38,843
And we need 90 bucks
in two hours
404
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:41,045
and you need to
get stoned, I need your...
90 bucks-- Okay.
405
00:14:41,146 --> 00:14:42,780
crazy brain, man.
406
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,115
(phone vibrating)
You know what, Ilana,
I rag on you all the time,
407
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,617
but you're right,
like, I needed to
408
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,118
get out of my
element today.
Hello?
409
00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:48,653
I needed it.
410
00:14:50,756 --> 00:14:52,323
It was nice of
you to have my back--
411
00:14:52,424 --> 00:14:53,691
Jesus.
412
00:14:53,792 --> 00:14:54,859
Thank you for
this opportunity.
413
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,895
We'll see you in
30 minutes or less.
414
00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:58,196
Bye-bye, sir.
415
00:14:58,297 --> 00:14:59,530
What?
416
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:00,932
Okay, I had a backup plan
on the low this whole time
417
00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:02,767
and it's coming up,
it's happening.
418
00:15:02,868 --> 00:15:03,801
We are gonna
make this money
419
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,403
and I'll buy you a
new piggy bank,
420
00:15:05,504 --> 00:15:07,872
a legit piggy bank.
421
00:15:07,973 --> 00:15:10,041
What is it?
Come on.
422
00:15:10,142 --> 00:15:11,509
Ilana, this is
really good pot.
423
00:15:11,610 --> 00:15:12,510
It's PCP.
424
00:15:12,611 --> 00:15:13,511
What?
425
00:15:13,612 --> 00:15:16,614
¶¶
426
00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:19,751
(knocking)
427
00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:28,593
Okay.
428
00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:30,261
I'm gonna start
taking my clothes off now.
429
00:15:30,362 --> 00:15:31,496
Wait, what?
430
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:32,497
Yeah.
431
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:33,798
This is all part
of the deal.
432
00:15:33,899 --> 00:15:35,333
What the (bleep), Ilana...
433
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:39,270
We're just two gals, cleaning
in our underwear for an hour.
434
00:15:39,371 --> 00:15:41,272
What "gals"?
435
00:15:41,373 --> 00:15:43,007
We?
Us gals.
436
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:44,175
I'm not doing
that, dude.
437
00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:45,410
Shh, shh, shhh...
What?
438
00:15:45,511 --> 00:15:46,744
Why are you
shushing me?
439
00:15:48,547 --> 00:15:51,015
¶¶
440
00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:52,283
No.
441
00:15:52,384 --> 00:15:54,786
¶ Our treasure
pleasure leisure, leisure ¶
442
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:56,154
¶ It's all in your eyes ¶¶
443
00:15:58,924 --> 00:16:01,826
Ilana, I'm not gonna clean
this man's apartment,
444
00:16:01,927 --> 00:16:03,962
touch his things,
in my underwear.
445
00:16:04,063 --> 00:16:06,264
This is the last
thing, we are so close.
446
00:16:06,365 --> 00:16:08,900
We are gonna be
friends with Weezy.
447
00:16:09,001 --> 00:16:11,302
I'm gonna (bleep) him, dude.
448
00:16:11,403 --> 00:16:14,238
Who's Weezy?
Lil Wayne!
449
00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:15,840
This is
the whole thing!
450
00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:21,045
Listen, it is for one hour
and he's giving us $200.
451
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:22,747
No, I can't--
This is gross.
452
00:16:22,848 --> 00:16:24,382
What would you be
doing instead?
453
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:26,551
Watching "Breaking Bad"
and eating a Smart Ones?
454
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,319
Okay, it's a
cashew stir-fry
455
00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:30,355
and I was, like, really
looking forward to it.
456
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:32,523
I don't want
to hear it, okay.
457
00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:35,893
You're losing your edge and
I wasn't gonna say anything,
458
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,730
but you're not as fun
as you used to be.
459
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:41,666
Guess I'll clean this
dude's apartment on my own.
460
00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:46,671
(Lil Wayne's
"A Milli" playing)
461
00:16:49,541 --> 00:16:50,475
¶ Yeah ¶
462
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:52,977
¶ Mack I'm gonna ¶
463
00:16:53,078 --> 00:16:54,312
¶ A millionaire ¶
464
00:16:54,413 --> 00:16:56,314
¶ I'm a Young Money
millionaire ¶
465
00:16:56,415 --> 00:16:58,716
¶ Tougher
than Nigerian hair ¶
466
00:16:58,817 --> 00:17:01,886
¶ My criteria compared to your
career just isn't fair ¶
467
00:17:01,987 --> 00:17:05,056
¶ I'm a venereal disease
like a menstrual bleed ¶
468
00:17:05,157 --> 00:17:07,492
¶ Through the pencil
I leak on the sheet ¶
469
00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:08,926
¶ Of the tablet in my mind ¶
470
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,329
¶ 'Cause I don't write shit
'cause I ain't got time ¶
471
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:12,930
¶ 'Cause my
seconds minutes hours ¶
472
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,465
¶ Go to the almighty dollar ¶
473
00:17:14,566 --> 00:17:15,700
¶ And the almighty-- ¶¶
474
00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:17,001
Okay,
hour's up, man.
475
00:17:17,102 --> 00:17:18,202
(Ilana)
Party's over, dude.
476
00:17:18,303 --> 00:17:19,237
Money, please.
477
00:17:19,338 --> 00:17:20,538
I'm sowwy.
478
00:17:20,639 --> 00:17:21,539
I don't have any.
479
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:22,540
Are you joking
right now?
480
00:17:22,641 --> 00:17:24,409
I'm a wittle baby.
481
00:17:24,510 --> 00:17:27,211
Uh... No, you're a
full grown man.
482
00:17:27,312 --> 00:17:29,147
I'm a baby,
I have no money!
483
00:17:29,248 --> 00:17:30,882
You owe
us $200.
484
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:32,250
We just cleaned
for an hour.
485
00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:33,518
I don't do
that at my house.
486
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:34,585
Thank you
for cleaning.
487
00:17:34,686 --> 00:17:35,853
No, no, no.
What?
488
00:17:35,954 --> 00:17:37,221
No thank you.
No, no.
489
00:17:37,322 --> 00:17:39,724
I just degraded
my friend for you
490
00:17:39,825 --> 00:17:41,192
and I thought we were
gonna be paid.
491
00:17:41,293 --> 00:17:42,660
I can pay
you in blocks?
492
00:17:42,761 --> 00:17:44,429
You're not a baby,
you're a man!
493
00:17:44,530 --> 00:17:46,330
No.
494
00:17:46,432 --> 00:17:47,598
I'm a baby.
495
00:17:47,699 --> 00:17:48,800
Oh, yeah...
You're a baby?
496
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,635
Does baby like
this, huh?
497
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:53,404
¶¶
498
00:17:53,505 --> 00:17:57,208
Babies do not
read books yet!
499
00:17:57,309 --> 00:17:59,410
Are you a baby if
you wear a hat?
500
00:17:59,511 --> 00:18:01,279
Full coat
with fur?
501
00:18:01,380 --> 00:18:03,214
Babies don't have
little... babies!
502
00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:04,649
You want tissues
to wipe your ass(bleep)?
503
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,284
'Cause you're a baby?
504
00:18:06,385 --> 00:18:08,186
(groaning)
505
00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:12,423
Coat racks aren't
for babies.
506
00:18:12,524 --> 00:18:13,691
Marbles.
507
00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:16,461
Uh-oh.
508
00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:18,896
(laughing)
509
00:18:18,997 --> 00:18:20,098
What?
510
00:18:20,199 --> 00:18:21,232
Look.
511
00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:23,167
I'm looking.
Yeah, we saw, dude.
512
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:24,936
I hope I never see
this again.
513
00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:26,370
I don't
even know.
514
00:18:26,472 --> 00:18:27,772
All right, all right, careful
of the marbles.
515
00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:32,110
So I'm gonna grab this,
'cause babies don't like fur.
516
00:18:32,211 --> 00:18:33,144
Are you my fwends?
517
00:18:33,245 --> 00:18:34,745
No.
518
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,814
(phone ringing
and vibrating)
519
00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:41,085
This is David.
520
00:18:43,889 --> 00:18:46,858
Is the flight delayed?
521
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,126
Was
the flight delayed?
522
00:18:48,227 --> 00:18:51,362
¶ Yeah, yeah, yeah ¶
523
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,097
¶ Yeah, yeah, yeah ¶¶
524
00:18:53,198 --> 00:18:54,332
Lil Wayne's so short, though,
525
00:18:54,433 --> 00:18:56,067
that we weren't even gonna
be able to see him
526
00:18:56,168 --> 00:18:57,969
from where
we would have sat.
527
00:18:58,070 --> 00:18:59,470
I don't think I even would
have recognized him.
528
00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:01,172
I don't know
who this guy is.
529
00:19:01,273 --> 00:19:04,275
You know, I read that he's
actually better pre-recorded.
530
00:19:04,376 --> 00:19:05,977
I just didn't want to say
anything 'cause I wanted to go.
531
00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:07,278
These spaces
are so small,
532
00:19:07,379 --> 00:19:10,014
like, we would be so close
to so many strangers
533
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:11,115
we don't know.
534
00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:13,551
Drinks are, like, so
expensive and tiny, like--
535
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:15,286
Oh, my God,
double...
Crap.
536
00:19:15,387 --> 00:19:17,455
Do you know me, how I have
to pee, like, constantly?
537
00:19:17,556 --> 00:19:19,157
We would be standing
in line the whole concert.
538
00:19:19,258 --> 00:19:22,093
The whole time, we would
be standing in a line.
539
00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:23,828
Ugh.
540
00:19:23,929 --> 00:19:26,497
Tomorrow's gonna be
the day, like, I know it,
541
00:19:26,598 --> 00:19:30,034
that we're gonna look back and
be like, that was the day!
542
00:19:30,135 --> 00:19:34,138
I know that tomorrow...
tomorrow's totally the day.
543
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:35,673
Like, I'm so confident
in myself,
544
00:19:35,774 --> 00:19:37,308
I feel it
in my heart.
545
00:19:37,409 --> 00:19:39,410
I'm confident myself
in the day.
546
00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:41,379
Yes...
Yeah!
547
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:42,580
I believe
in us.
548
00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:44,115
Hyah--
Yeah!
549
00:19:44,216 --> 00:19:47,952
Yes, dude!
Dude, I would follow you
into hell, brother.
550
00:19:48,053 --> 00:19:51,155
I would take you on
my shoulders, like,
551
00:19:51,256 --> 00:19:57,428
I'd strap you up and I'd be
like, let's go through hell.
552
00:19:57,529 --> 00:20:00,164
Should we go to...
Mm-hmm.
553
00:20:00,265 --> 00:20:01,532
the subway.
554
00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:04,802
We'll give you
some privacy.
555
00:20:04,903 --> 00:20:06,037
(knocking)
556
00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:10,007
Enjoy your office supplies,
my friend.
557
00:20:10,108 --> 00:20:11,309
They even
have food now.
558
00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:12,443
Crazy, right?
559
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,245
Okay...
Okay, cha-cha.
560
00:20:16,915 --> 00:20:18,282
Good.
561
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:19,617
Ah.
562
00:20:22,154 --> 00:20:23,421
Please.
563
00:20:23,522 --> 00:20:24,622
Help me.
564
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:26,457
Ay, mi amor,
what happened to you?
565
00:20:28,660 --> 00:20:30,728
(computer alert beeping)
566
00:20:30,829 --> 00:20:31,729
Oh, yeah.
567
00:20:31,830 --> 00:20:32,964
What the hell--
What is this?
568
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,799
Oh,
it's happening.
569
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:36,067
(coughing)
570
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:37,802
Why are we doing
this right now?
571
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:39,103
Hymes, you can go.
572
00:20:39,204 --> 00:20:40,271
She got me.
573
00:20:40,372 --> 00:20:42,473
I don't got her--I'm not there with you.
574
00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:44,909
Leave me one,
leave me one.
575
00:20:45,010 --> 00:20:46,911
Okay.
576
00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:50,514
Ilana, we drankthe same amount.
577
00:20:50,616 --> 00:20:52,350
I'm so sorry.
578
00:20:52,451 --> 00:20:53,584
I always do this.
579
00:20:53,685 --> 00:20:56,220
It's fine, everyone
has nights like this.
580
00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:57,321
Just, if you feel like
you're gonna throw up,
581
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:58,589
just give
me a heads up.
582
00:21:02,361 --> 00:21:03,494
You wanna come over
and hang out?
583
00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:05,363
We just got pizza.
584
00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:06,564
What kind?
48511
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