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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,657 [Man] 1, 2, 3... 2 00:00:31,740 --> 00:00:34,493 [� Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama] 3 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,211 [Children laughing and shouting] 4 00:00:48,841 --> 00:00:50,926 [Kids] Hi, Grandpa! 5 00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:52,302 Hey! 6 00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:58,600 - Ahh! - [Girl] Grandpa, over here! 7 00:00:58,642 --> 00:00:59,685 Oh! 8 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,730 - Hey, hey, hey! - [Kids] Grandpa! 9 00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:06,441 Everybody now, happy Fourth of July! 10 00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:07,734 Thanks, Grandpa! 11 00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:09,695 That's it, go ahead, kids. 12 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,822 Dig in. I made 'em myself. 13 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,115 - Bleh! - Blech! 14 00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:15,868 [Grandpa] Pretty good. How's that taste there, Timmy? 15 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,911 Uh, I'm not really hungry right now. 16 00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:19,746 Why don't you tell us a story? 17 00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:23,041 - Yeah! One of your great stories! - Yeah, one of your stories! 18 00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:25,752 All right, how about the one that you kids always love? 19 00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:28,797 - The, uh... the story of Scrooge. - Scrooge?! 20 00:01:28,881 --> 00:01:31,633 - The guy who hated Christmas? - That's dumb. 21 00:01:31,717 --> 00:01:35,554 Well, uh, sort of, but this Scrooge hated the Fourth of July. 22 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,347 Why does he hate the Fourth of July? 23 00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:41,476 Well, uh, the story begins high on a mountaintop, 24 00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:44,396 far away in Afghanistan. 25 00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:51,278 [Arabic music playing] 26 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:55,032 - Mohammed? - [All] Yes, sir? 27 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,116 Quiet! Calm down! 28 00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:00,287 - They're all named Mohammed, sir. - Yes, of course. 29 00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:02,206 I must remember to use last names. 30 00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:04,500 - Hussein! - [All] Yes, sir? 31 00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:07,878 For God's sake, you! 32 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,801 - [Aziz] Is that your brother? - Hussein? 33 00:02:14,885 --> 00:02:16,178 Why is he voting? 34 00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:18,805 It's not his fault. He is the campaign manager. 35 00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:21,350 - What? For who? - Mohammed Hussein. 36 00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:24,686 - [All] Yes, sir! - Quiet! 37 00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:26,021 All right, everyone. 38 00:02:27,439 --> 00:02:29,149 Well, who's going to be the first? 39 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:31,485 I am. 40 00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:34,947 Ah, very good. Very good. And what is your name, young man? 41 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,907 - Mu... - Forget it. Mount up. 42 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:40,536 - Allahu Akbar. - What exactly did I volunteer for? 43 00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:43,413 Messenger duty. Excellent pay. 44 00:02:43,455 --> 00:02:45,916 But, sir, this bicycle... 45 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,377 - What's wrong? - Well, it's kind of rickety. 46 00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:50,462 I don't know if it can get back up the hill. 47 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,673 I wouldn't worry about that. 48 00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:55,092 - Maybe if I take some bombs off... - No, no, no. 49 00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:58,470 - It is a part of the uniform. - Ah. 50 00:02:58,554 --> 00:02:59,930 [Brake handles squeaking] 51 00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:02,391 And it doesn't seem to have any brakes. 52 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:05,769 It's OK. Allah will stop you. 53 00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,980 Of course. 54 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,946 Oh, yeah, Allah will stop me. 55 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,782 Aah! 56 00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:23,036 Aah! 57 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,455 Oh! 58 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,456 Jesus! 59 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:29,001 You! Go get him. 60 00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:35,007 - [Moaning] - I found the problem, sir! 61 00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:37,718 This idiot forgot to pull the firing... 62 00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:44,850 [Ahmed] Don't you see? 63 00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:47,436 We have at least destroyed an infidel's car. 64 00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:49,938 That was my car. 65 00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,659 [Aziz] What's going on here? 66 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,953 Huh? What are you people doing? 67 00:04:05,037 --> 00:04:07,247 Why are you voting in this infidel election? 68 00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:09,166 Because we want democracy, 69 00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:11,960 freedom, elect a president who will be accountable. 70 00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:14,171 Enough! Mohammed, take care of him! 71 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,882 Mohammed, what in the name of Allah are you doing? 72 00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:20,886 I'm not voting for president. But I feel strongly about Proposition 12. 73 00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:23,305 A marriage should be between a man and a woman. 74 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,142 Or between a man and a really good-looking man. 75 00:04:27,226 --> 00:04:31,146 - Shut up. - This is what you vote for? 76 00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:34,024 That and immigration. We need a guest worker program 77 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:36,818 so that the Mexicans can do the job the Taliban won't. 78 00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,946 [Mariachi music blaring on radio] 79 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,578 These Western ideas are dangerous. 80 00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:48,413 We must resist them at every turn. 81 00:04:48,497 --> 00:04:50,833 Leader, we're not strong anymore. 82 00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:53,210 Since the Americans came, people have hope. 83 00:04:53,252 --> 00:04:56,880 - They are voting, woman own businesses. - Yes, it is getting harder 84 00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:59,758 to find suicide bombers, and all the good ones are gone. 85 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:03,178 Sir, I think we might need a new recruitment video. 86 00:05:03,262 --> 00:05:04,972 Look, ours... 87 00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,599 it looks, you know, cheap. 88 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:12,396 [Announcer] This video will teach you. 89 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:14,439 Here are Ahmed and Ahman. 90 00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:17,401 They may be brothers, but they couldn't be more different. 91 00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,987 Ahmed knows punctuality is important. 92 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:22,865 He's sure to leave plenty of time to get to his bombing site. 93 00:05:22,948 --> 00:05:24,533 [Ahmed screaming, indistinct] 94 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:29,371 [Announcer] Ahman leaves everything to the last minute. 95 00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:31,373 [Ahman] Oh, shit! 96 00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:34,126 [Announcer] Ahmed double checks the address of the site 97 00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:35,460 so there are no mistakes. 98 00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:36,962 Ahman doesn't. 99 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,714 2518, 2519... 100 00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:40,424 Shit! 101 00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:42,634 [Announcer] Ahmed dresses properly, 102 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:45,888 wearing clothing that is loose enough to hide his explosives. 103 00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:48,557 Ahman dresses inappropriately. 104 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:53,729 Oh. You are right. It is awful. 105 00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:55,439 If I may suggest, sir, 106 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:59,276 what we need is a real Hollywood director to help us. 107 00:05:59,318 --> 00:06:02,863 But he must hate America. 108 00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:05,866 This won't be hard to find in Hollywood. They all hate America. 109 00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:10,078 Yes, but your average, girly-man Hollywood director won't be enough. 110 00:06:10,162 --> 00:06:14,958 What we need is someone who really, really hates America. 111 00:06:16,835 --> 00:06:19,796 [Man] Is the camera on? OK, action. Ahem. 112 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,757 I am on the island paradise, Cuba, 113 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,800 where there's a hospital on every block. 114 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:27,179 As we can see, Cubans have the very best health care in the world. 115 00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:29,264 Not like America, where it can kill you. 116 00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:31,975 I've got two Americans here, Bob and Joan Friedman, 117 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:35,020 injured during Hurricane Katrina, caused by you know who. 118 00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:37,439 But haven't been able to get an American doctor 119 00:06:37,523 --> 00:06:40,609 to pay a house call to their gated community in Shaker Heights. 120 00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:43,654 - [Man] Another mojito! - Why? Because we're spending money 121 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,323 on military buildup for this phony war on terror. 122 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:50,077 Doctor, we just want the same care you give your own people. 123 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,495 OK, then get in line. 124 00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:52,538 Oh, oh! Comrades! 125 00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:55,290 - [Man] End of the line, gringo! - [Man 2] No skipping! 126 00:06:55,374 --> 00:06:57,876 Cuba is famous for its free prescription drug plan. 127 00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,086 What do you have for me? 128 00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:00,629 - Take these. - OK. 129 00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:02,005 These are breath mints. 130 00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:05,634 - S�, se�or. Take two. - [Exhaling] Huh? 131 00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:07,511 OK, pal, there ya go. 132 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,513 Free. That'll make you feel better. 133 00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,056 - There you go. - Huh? 134 00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:13,976 Free. You know, in America, that'd cost an arm and a leg. 135 00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:16,979 - Aw, jeez. Dude. - Sorry. 136 00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:19,565 That's OK, Paco, you'll be back on your feet in no time. 137 00:07:19,648 --> 00:07:20,899 - Cuba. More... - Ready... 138 00:07:20,983 --> 00:07:21,984 - than the jewel... - Aim... 139 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:23,151 - of the Caribbean. - Fire! 140 00:07:23,235 --> 00:07:26,488 - A country that cares for its citizens. - [Woman] Finally, we can move up! 141 00:07:26,530 --> 00:07:28,073 God! This is paradise! 142 00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:31,451 I gotta get back, but I can be assured that my American friends 143 00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:34,371 are in good hands in the Cuban health care system. 144 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,540 [Malone on bullhorn] It's time for me to leave 145 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:40,127 and say goodbye to all my little brown friends. 146 00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:41,378 And it's off to America. 147 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,588 [Woman] America! 148 00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:43,922 [Man] He's going to America! 149 00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,215 [Man 2] He said America! 150 00:07:45,257 --> 00:07:46,675 [People shouting] 151 00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,969 - Take me! - Take me! 152 00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:51,388 I do want to say... 153 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:54,224 Whoa! Get out! Get out! 154 00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:55,684 [Screaming] 155 00:07:55,767 --> 00:08:00,022 [Malone] So many people wanted to thank me, they rushed the boat. 156 00:08:00,105 --> 00:08:03,192 These people know how bad it's gotten in America. 157 00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:13,137 Well, I guess they wanted me to spread the word about what a paradise Cuba is. 158 00:08:13,921 --> 00:08:17,174 - [Screaming] - Aah! Off my boat! 159 00:08:17,257 --> 00:08:18,175 Yeah! 160 00:08:18,258 --> 00:08:20,594 [Grandpa] He thought everybody loved his movies. 161 00:08:20,636 --> 00:08:22,054 - [girl] Did they? - No! 162 00:08:22,095 --> 00:08:25,182 Nobody loves documentaries. But people do find them restful. 163 00:08:25,265 --> 00:08:27,226 [Yawning] 164 00:08:27,309 --> 00:08:28,852 [Malone] Thank you! Thank you! 165 00:08:28,936 --> 00:08:30,020 Thank you! 166 00:08:30,062 --> 00:08:33,190 Thank you for that great New York reception. 167 00:08:33,273 --> 00:08:35,400 But as important as this movie is, 168 00:08:35,484 --> 00:08:39,113 even more important is the largest peace demonstration 169 00:08:39,196 --> 00:08:40,823 the world has ever known. 170 00:08:40,864 --> 00:08:44,159 This Sunday, we're gonna abolish July 4th. 171 00:08:44,201 --> 00:08:45,244 [Cheering] 172 00:08:45,285 --> 00:08:46,912 [Girl] Why did he hate Fourth of July? 173 00:08:46,995 --> 00:08:50,249 [Boy] It was America's birthday party and he wasn't invited. 174 00:08:50,332 --> 00:08:52,668 [Kids] Grandpa, get back to the story! 175 00:08:52,751 --> 00:08:55,754 We're sending packages to soldiers for the Fourth of July. 176 00:08:55,838 --> 00:08:58,799 They're far from their home, away from their families. 177 00:08:58,882 --> 00:09:02,344 They shouldn't be. Shouldn't you be in a tent somewhere, tyin' knots? 178 00:09:03,846 --> 00:09:07,015 Oh, ho, now, this is more like it! There ya go. 179 00:09:07,057 --> 00:09:11,353 I'll take three chocolate mints, three fudge... 180 00:09:11,437 --> 00:09:13,647 Oh, merit badges. What are those for? 181 00:09:13,730 --> 00:09:16,608 Oh. Well, this is for making a safety display. 182 00:09:16,650 --> 00:09:20,154 This one's for camping, and this is a good manners badge. 183 00:09:20,237 --> 00:09:21,447 Oh! 184 00:09:21,530 --> 00:09:23,740 For being respectful to a fat, ignorant, 185 00:09:23,824 --> 00:09:25,075 traitorous sack of shit. 186 00:09:26,743 --> 00:09:28,036 [Girl] Grandpa! 187 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,538 - Grandpa! - [Boy] I heard you! 188 00:09:29,621 --> 00:09:31,331 Oh, what? I didn't say that. 189 00:09:31,373 --> 00:09:32,416 I said, uh... 190 00:09:32,499 --> 00:09:35,043 Fat, ignorant, America-hating traitor. 191 00:09:35,127 --> 00:09:37,045 - You did say that. - No, I didn't. 192 00:09:37,129 --> 00:09:39,006 [Malone] Ha ha! The spirit is back. 193 00:09:39,089 --> 00:09:42,593 We are on a roll, people. This rally will be historic. 194 00:09:42,676 --> 00:09:45,637 - Most important since Nixon. - Nixon? 195 00:09:45,721 --> 00:09:48,223 Total dork president from around the Civil War. 196 00:09:48,307 --> 00:09:50,517 All the most important progressive organizations 197 00:09:50,601 --> 00:09:51,894 will be represented. Jane? 198 00:09:51,977 --> 00:09:55,397 So far, People For The Anti-American Way, 199 00:09:55,481 --> 00:09:59,026 Vegans Against Fur, Man-boy Love Boat, 200 00:09:59,067 --> 00:10:01,987 Potawamie Casino, Church of Entitlement, 201 00:10:02,070 --> 00:10:03,363 - and, um... - And? 202 00:10:03,447 --> 00:10:06,200 And... it's still early. 203 00:10:06,241 --> 00:10:07,242 The rally's Sunday! 204 00:10:07,326 --> 00:10:08,994 Don't worry, we'll get more. 205 00:10:09,077 --> 00:10:11,580 We're not shaving till they bring the troops home. 206 00:10:11,663 --> 00:10:14,208 - Thank you, boys. - They're women. 207 00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:17,836 [Malone] Right. 208 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:18,962 Like all of us. 209 00:10:19,046 --> 00:10:24,134 We have to ban military recruiters from college campuses. They interfere... 210 00:10:24,218 --> 00:10:25,385 Excuse me. 211 00:10:25,469 --> 00:10:28,180 Oh. Are you here to join Sailors Against War? 212 00:10:28,263 --> 00:10:30,974 No, uh, I think all sailors are against war, 213 00:10:31,058 --> 00:10:32,559 but sometimes we have to fight. 214 00:10:32,643 --> 00:10:33,894 Soldiers Against Guns? 215 00:10:33,977 --> 00:10:36,855 No. Those guns come in handy when we do fight. 216 00:10:36,939 --> 00:10:39,233 The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Brigade? 217 00:10:39,316 --> 00:10:41,568 No, uh, please. 218 00:10:41,610 --> 00:10:44,404 I'm just here looking for my uncle. His name is... Oh. 219 00:10:44,488 --> 00:10:49,284 - Uncle Michael, hey. - Huh? Josh? 220 00:10:51,203 --> 00:10:54,498 Hey. This is my... nephew. 221 00:10:54,581 --> 00:10:58,127 Josh. He's, uh... 222 00:10:58,210 --> 00:10:59,753 What are you doin' here? 223 00:10:59,795 --> 00:11:03,006 I came here to invite you to our Fourth of July barbecue, 224 00:11:03,048 --> 00:11:04,299 like I do every year. 225 00:11:04,341 --> 00:11:07,970 Well, that's very nice of you... again, but I'm a little busy here. 226 00:11:08,011 --> 00:11:10,514 "Abolish July 4th." Are you kidding? 227 00:11:10,556 --> 00:11:13,600 This is no joke. Why should I celebrate a country 228 00:11:13,684 --> 00:11:17,062 that's caused oppression and terror all over the world? 229 00:11:17,146 --> 00:11:18,230 Is that how he felt? 230 00:11:18,272 --> 00:11:20,691 He was a war hero. P. T. 109. 231 00:11:20,774 --> 00:11:23,318 He would've come around. If he were alive today, 232 00:11:23,402 --> 00:11:26,113 this Sunday, he'd be marchin' with us in solidarity. 233 00:11:26,196 --> 00:11:28,949 Uncle Michael, I realize how strongly you feel, 234 00:11:28,991 --> 00:11:32,077 - but Lily and I just... - [mice squeaking] 235 00:11:32,119 --> 00:11:34,371 We won't be going too late. 236 00:11:34,413 --> 00:11:37,416 A lot of our guests are going to the Trace Adkins concert. 237 00:11:38,792 --> 00:11:41,628 - Who's Trace Adkins? - I'm good. 238 00:11:41,712 --> 00:11:43,630 He's a big country music star. 239 00:11:43,714 --> 00:11:46,258 Maybe not in New York, but in the rest of the country. 240 00:11:46,341 --> 00:11:48,177 Country music doesn't speak to me. 241 00:11:48,260 --> 00:11:51,263 Not just because the music's awful or the lyrics are stupid, 242 00:11:51,346 --> 00:11:54,641 or everybody dresses like that cowboy from the Village People. 243 00:11:54,725 --> 00:11:57,811 - How's little Billy? - Timmy. 244 00:11:57,895 --> 00:12:00,773 Not very well, I'm afraid, but he's got great spirit. 245 00:12:00,814 --> 00:12:03,859 - He'd love to see you. - Well, maybe I'll stop by next week. 246 00:12:03,942 --> 00:12:05,903 It'll probably be too late. 247 00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:09,406 - Oh, little Jimmy. - Timmy. 248 00:12:09,490 --> 00:12:12,910 No. He'll probably still be around, but... 249 00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:15,496 I'm shipping out to the Persian Gulf Sunday night. 250 00:12:15,537 --> 00:12:17,831 Well, can't you get out of it? 251 00:12:17,915 --> 00:12:20,793 I want to go. It's my duty. 252 00:12:20,876 --> 00:12:23,295 I don't get it. How can you be related to me? 253 00:12:23,378 --> 00:12:27,007 Mr. Malone, your 1:00 is here with people from Abolish The Military. 254 00:12:29,510 --> 00:12:31,595 Well, I guess I got some work to do. 255 00:12:31,678 --> 00:12:34,556 Well, you're invited in case you change your mind. 256 00:12:34,598 --> 00:12:35,641 Right. Sure. 257 00:12:35,682 --> 00:12:37,893 Uncle Michael, I came here in good spirits, 258 00:12:37,935 --> 00:12:40,312 and I don't want to let anything change that. 259 00:12:40,354 --> 00:12:43,524 Happy Fourth of July, everyone, and God bless America! 260 00:12:43,524 --> 00:12:46,693 [Josh] � My country, 'tis of thee 261 00:12:46,735 --> 00:12:47,778 � Sweet land of... 262 00:12:47,861 --> 00:12:49,404 � Liberty 263 00:12:49,446 --> 00:12:52,366 � Lighted up by the rockets in the air... 264 00:12:52,449 --> 00:12:54,827 - [kids shouting] - Grandpa, get back to the story! 265 00:12:54,910 --> 00:12:56,411 I've never left it. 266 00:12:58,205 --> 00:13:01,917 [Jazz music playing] 267 00:13:07,589 --> 00:13:10,050 I'm meeting my agent, Todd Grosslight. 268 00:13:10,092 --> 00:13:11,385 Oh, yes. 269 00:13:11,468 --> 00:13:14,555 I'm sorry, sir, but gentlemen are required to wear a jacket. 270 00:13:14,638 --> 00:13:16,223 Look, don't you know who I am? 271 00:13:16,306 --> 00:13:17,724 I'm Michael Malone. 272 00:13:17,766 --> 00:13:20,978 Well, then perhaps a shower as well. 273 00:13:22,855 --> 00:13:25,941 What the hell? I didn't make the top 10? That's impossible! 274 00:13:26,024 --> 00:13:29,653 Apparently, the people who like your movies don't actually go to movies. 275 00:13:29,736 --> 00:13:33,073 No one wants to see Americans screwed by foreigners, except in porn. 276 00:13:33,157 --> 00:13:34,783 I haven't done porn in years! 277 00:13:34,867 --> 00:13:37,911 - [Music stops] - [Nervous chuckle] 278 00:13:37,953 --> 00:13:42,875 - Anyway, I'm an Oscar-winning director. - For a documentary. Come on. 279 00:13:42,958 --> 00:13:44,626 I know that. 280 00:13:44,710 --> 00:13:46,879 I gotta do a feature like John Ford. 281 00:13:46,962 --> 00:13:49,590 That man was a true filmmaker. 282 00:13:49,673 --> 00:13:53,385 The sweeping vision, the amazing panoramas of Monument Valley. 283 00:13:53,469 --> 00:13:54,970 And soldiers were good guys. 284 00:13:55,053 --> 00:13:58,223 But you're leading a demonstration against our troops. 285 00:13:58,265 --> 00:14:00,309 Oh, right, on the Fourth of July. 286 00:14:00,350 --> 00:14:03,520 - It's not against the troops. - Oh, save it for your crazies. 287 00:14:03,604 --> 00:14:06,023 Look, Mikey, 288 00:14:06,899 --> 00:14:09,735 this is a fickle town. 289 00:14:09,777 --> 00:14:11,820 See the maitre d' over there, huh? 290 00:14:11,862 --> 00:14:13,947 Used to be recurring on Seinfeld. 291 00:14:15,115 --> 00:14:17,659 Hey, call me. [laughs] 292 00:14:17,743 --> 00:14:19,745 Now, what is this feature you have in mind? 293 00:14:19,828 --> 00:14:23,707 It's a powerful drama about oppressed people adrift in a world gone mad. 294 00:14:23,791 --> 00:14:24,792 Hmm! 295 00:14:24,833 --> 00:14:28,837 It's anti-everything-America-stands-for without being anti-American. 296 00:14:28,921 --> 00:14:30,255 Hmm... 297 00:14:31,131 --> 00:14:34,468 Fascist America? Comedy, right? 298 00:14:34,551 --> 00:14:36,386 Wow. [sniffs] Did you bathe today? 299 00:14:36,470 --> 00:14:38,263 No. 300 00:14:38,347 --> 00:14:41,141 [Orchestra playing] 301 00:14:41,225 --> 00:14:44,311 [Announcer] And now, live from New York City, 302 00:14:44,353 --> 00:14:46,647 it's the MooveAlong. Org Film Awards, 303 00:14:46,730 --> 00:14:49,733 hosted by Paris Hilton and Simon Rex. 304 00:14:49,775 --> 00:14:51,527 And now, here are your hosts, 305 00:14:51,610 --> 00:14:53,529 Paris Hilton and Simon Rex. 306 00:14:53,612 --> 00:14:56,949 We are gathered here tonight because we all share the same goals: 307 00:14:57,032 --> 00:15:00,494 Redistribution of wealth, freedom from the chains of materialism, 308 00:15:00,577 --> 00:15:02,871 and, of course, ending world hunger. 309 00:15:02,913 --> 00:15:05,582 - [Applause] - Finally. I'm starving. 310 00:15:06,583 --> 00:15:10,045 It's our pleasure to present the most prestigious honor 311 00:15:10,129 --> 00:15:12,631 in documentary film, the Leni Riefenstahl Award. 312 00:15:12,714 --> 00:15:14,466 [Applause, music] 313 00:15:14,550 --> 00:15:17,261 [Rex] As Germany's most famous documentary filmmaker, 314 00:15:17,344 --> 00:15:20,013 Leni Riefenstahl celebrated the incredible rise 315 00:15:20,055 --> 00:15:21,974 of Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler, 316 00:15:22,015 --> 00:15:25,185 becoming a tireless promoter of his campaign for change. 317 00:15:25,269 --> 00:15:27,855 Her pioneering use of the wide-angle lens 318 00:15:27,896 --> 00:15:30,524 to capture the scope of massive formations 319 00:15:30,607 --> 00:15:33,110 paved the way for generations of filmmakers. 320 00:15:33,152 --> 00:15:35,737 Through the creative manipulation of truth, 321 00:15:35,779 --> 00:15:40,117 she was able to influence history, demonstrating the power of film. 322 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:44,163 [Hilton] Although resulting in the death of over 60 million people, 323 00:15:44,246 --> 00:15:46,790 her place in any cinematic hall of fame is secure. 324 00:15:46,874 --> 00:15:51,128 And this year's award for best documentary director goes to... 325 00:15:51,211 --> 00:15:54,756 Michael Malone for Die, You American Pigs. 326 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:58,385 [Announcer] This is Michael Malone's third Moove Along award. 327 00:15:58,427 --> 00:16:01,930 He previously won for his documentaries Shame On You, America, 328 00:16:01,972 --> 00:16:04,725 - and America Sucks A Big One. - Oh, OK. 329 00:16:04,808 --> 00:16:08,520 Hey. I try to tell the truth in my films, and I get attacked... 330 00:16:08,604 --> 00:16:11,064 - [orchestra playing] - But I'm gonna continue... 331 00:16:11,148 --> 00:16:12,149 Oh. Ha. 332 00:16:12,191 --> 00:16:13,442 Oh. What is that? 333 00:16:15,778 --> 00:16:16,904 Ooh! Ooh! 334 00:16:21,784 --> 00:16:23,368 Get my good side. 335 00:16:23,452 --> 00:16:26,246 That concludes the non-televised portion of the show. 336 00:16:26,288 --> 00:16:27,539 - [Drum roll] - Huh? 337 00:16:27,581 --> 00:16:29,541 And now the highlight of the evening: 338 00:16:29,666 --> 00:16:31,668 Best Feature Film Director. 339 00:16:31,710 --> 00:16:33,462 And the award goes to... 340 00:16:34,546 --> 00:16:36,173 [both] George Mulrooney! 341 00:16:36,256 --> 00:16:38,383 For That McCarthy Sure Was Bad. 342 00:16:38,467 --> 00:16:40,636 [Announcer] The heroic story of newscaster 343 00:16:40,719 --> 00:16:44,807 Edward R. Murrow, who half a century ago took on a drunken U.S. Senator 344 00:16:44,890 --> 00:16:47,059 who accused people of being communists. 345 00:16:47,142 --> 00:16:49,478 This is Mulrooney's 19th Moove Along Award 346 00:16:49,561 --> 00:16:52,815 to go with his 11 Oscars, 9 Emmys, and two Super Bowl rings. 347 00:16:52,856 --> 00:16:55,734 Thank you. I... I dedicate this award 348 00:16:55,818 --> 00:16:58,070 to all the courageous filmmakers 349 00:16:58,153 --> 00:16:59,863 who take on tough issues 350 00:16:59,905 --> 00:17:02,449 like McCarthyism, even though it no longer exists, 351 00:17:02,533 --> 00:17:05,661 or like slavery or Nazism, even though they ended, too. 352 00:17:05,744 --> 00:17:09,123 But you know, evil exists today. Like, well, Islamic terrorism. 353 00:17:09,164 --> 00:17:12,126 [Laughing] But like I'm gonna make that movie, right? 354 00:17:12,209 --> 00:17:15,379 Like I want to get beheaded. [choking] 355 00:17:15,420 --> 00:17:18,632 - [Orchestra playing] - [Mulrooney laughing] 356 00:17:18,715 --> 00:17:21,218 - Thank you! - [Woman] George! Over here! 357 00:17:21,301 --> 00:17:23,387 Aah! 358 00:17:23,429 --> 00:17:25,431 Ooh! Mom? 359 00:17:38,777 --> 00:17:39,862 Huh! 360 00:17:40,863 --> 00:17:42,656 Oh! [chuckling] 361 00:17:43,657 --> 00:17:46,368 Wow. Mulrooney's so hot. 362 00:17:48,078 --> 00:17:49,580 Huh? Huh? 363 00:17:49,663 --> 00:17:51,540 Excuse us, Director Michael Malone. 364 00:17:51,623 --> 00:17:53,959 I am Ahmed, and this is my comrade Mohammed. 365 00:17:54,042 --> 00:17:55,002 Nice to meet you. 366 00:17:55,085 --> 00:17:59,047 Wait, no. We want you to direct a movie to inspire the final jihad. 367 00:17:59,131 --> 00:18:03,594 Oh, thanks, fellas, great idea, but I'm only doin' big-budget features. 368 00:18:03,677 --> 00:18:05,554 How big of a budget would you need? 369 00:18:05,637 --> 00:18:07,598 A feature? 10 million minimum. 370 00:18:07,681 --> 00:18:09,600 Call me when you sold enough falafel. 371 00:18:12,936 --> 00:18:15,230 Ahmed, Mohammed. 372 00:18:15,230 --> 00:18:16,315 [Both] Who are you? 373 00:18:16,356 --> 00:18:17,608 It's me. 374 00:18:20,194 --> 00:18:21,487 - Aziz! - Shh! 375 00:18:22,946 --> 00:18:25,783 - What are you doing here? - We have a more important mission. 376 00:18:25,824 --> 00:18:27,910 - But the movie. - It can wait. 377 00:18:27,951 --> 00:18:31,455 This will be the most spectacular attack on the infidels ever. 378 00:18:31,538 --> 00:18:34,833 But we need to find someone important with the right connections. 379 00:18:34,917 --> 00:18:37,336 [Malone] I'm directing Mulrooney's next picture. 380 00:18:37,419 --> 00:18:39,546 - Someone like that. - Director Akbar? 381 00:18:39,588 --> 00:18:41,965 Yes. What will it take to get him to cooperate? 382 00:18:42,049 --> 00:18:43,383 [Both] $10 million. 383 00:18:43,425 --> 00:18:46,220 Well, the opium crop is very good this year. 384 00:18:46,303 --> 00:18:48,097 Money will be no problem. 385 00:18:48,180 --> 00:18:49,598 Allahu Akbar. 386 00:18:51,141 --> 00:18:53,185 So I said to Spielberg, Steve, you can't... 387 00:18:53,268 --> 00:18:54,686 Ooh, crab cakes. 388 00:18:54,770 --> 00:18:56,688 Say, want to go to Clint's party with me? 389 00:18:56,772 --> 00:18:57,773 Director Akbar! 390 00:18:57,856 --> 00:19:01,485 - We have glorious news for you... - George! George! 391 00:19:01,568 --> 00:19:02,569 We have 10 million. 392 00:19:02,653 --> 00:19:05,781 Must have been a good opium crop this year. George, over here. 393 00:19:05,864 --> 00:19:09,368 - 10 million U.S. Dollars, cash. - Cash? Right! 394 00:19:09,451 --> 00:19:11,829 - Good! So you'll do it. - Yeah, right. 395 00:19:11,912 --> 00:19:14,790 Have your people contact my people. 396 00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:17,918 I bet she would look great in a burka. 397 00:19:19,545 --> 00:19:21,839 [Entertainment Tonight theme music playing] 398 00:19:21,922 --> 00:19:25,259 [Humming along] 399 00:19:25,342 --> 00:19:27,261 [Mary Hart] Now, Entertainment Tonight 400 00:19:27,344 --> 00:19:30,889 takes you behind the scenes to discover where are they now? 401 00:19:30,973 --> 00:19:34,476 We're going to find out whatever happened to Michael Malone, 402 00:19:34,518 --> 00:19:36,478 the beefy filmmaker who's trying to get 403 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,314 a new movie off the ground, a feature. [laughs] 404 00:19:39,398 --> 00:19:41,733 After the news that his latest movie tanked... 405 00:19:41,817 --> 00:19:44,778 - What?! - Who is gonna bankroll that? 406 00:19:44,862 --> 00:19:47,531 This past Tuesday, we finally tracked down 407 00:19:47,573 --> 00:19:49,491 Clyde the orangutan... 408 00:19:49,575 --> 00:19:50,117 [Seinfeld-like music playing] 409 00:19:50,117 --> 00:19:52,995 [Seinfeld-like music playing] 410 00:19:53,078 --> 00:19:55,956 - Are you sure you have $10 million? - Absolutely. 411 00:19:56,039 --> 00:19:57,749 Then why'd you come to me? 412 00:19:57,833 --> 00:20:00,919 We heard you're a big, fat liar. Aah! 413 00:20:01,003 --> 00:20:03,589 Sorry. My friend is not detonating on all cylinders. 414 00:20:03,672 --> 00:20:06,467 He meant, your movies are filled with big, fat lies. 415 00:20:06,550 --> 00:20:09,470 It's OK. They're documentaries. They don't have to be true. 416 00:20:09,553 --> 00:20:11,555 Look, I love America. 417 00:20:11,597 --> 00:20:14,683 That's why it needs to be destroyed, so it'll come to its senses. 418 00:20:14,767 --> 00:20:17,227 Right. Well, anyway, we need your help. 419 00:20:17,311 --> 00:20:19,229 No matter how many people we kill, 420 00:20:19,313 --> 00:20:21,023 we cannot get rid of the Americans. 421 00:20:21,106 --> 00:20:23,108 We need a movie that shows we are winning. 422 00:20:23,192 --> 00:20:24,485 Even though we're not. Aah! 423 00:20:24,526 --> 00:20:26,612 Director Akbar, we already have an idea. 424 00:20:26,695 --> 00:20:29,156 It's a traditional Taliban love story. 425 00:20:29,239 --> 00:20:32,576 Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy cuts girl's head off. 426 00:20:32,659 --> 00:20:33,911 What? 427 00:20:33,994 --> 00:20:36,497 Happy ending. He preserves his honor. 428 00:20:36,580 --> 00:20:39,917 Look, guys, I'm not gonna do a movie about homicidal psychopaths 429 00:20:39,958 --> 00:20:41,335 who cut people's heads off. 430 00:20:41,418 --> 00:20:44,171 I'll do it, but it's gonna be my script. 431 00:20:44,213 --> 00:20:46,757 Dramatic story about how one courageous man 432 00:20:46,799 --> 00:20:49,176 took on the system and exposed America's evil. 433 00:20:49,218 --> 00:20:51,845 Like Hannah Montana. Wait! 434 00:20:51,887 --> 00:20:55,933 - Thank you. Oh! - [Seinfeld-like music playing] 435 00:20:56,016 --> 00:20:57,935 You gonna finish that? 436 00:20:58,018 --> 00:21:00,270 Wait. He's going to work for terrorists? 437 00:21:00,354 --> 00:21:03,857 - It's looking that way, isn't it? - Doesn't that make him a terrorist? 438 00:21:03,899 --> 00:21:06,485 [Girl] No, silly. That just makes him a total idiot. 439 00:21:08,445 --> 00:21:10,197 [Announcer]... first-place tie. 440 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:11,406 [Changing channels] 441 00:21:11,490 --> 00:21:14,827 [Announcer] John F. Kennedy, 35th president of the United States, 442 00:21:14,910 --> 00:21:17,412 cut down by an assassin's bullet. 443 00:21:17,496 --> 00:21:21,416 The tears were not only for a president, but for what he stood for, 444 00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:23,752 the causes he held dear. 445 00:21:23,836 --> 00:21:27,297 [Kennedy] Let us never negotiate out of fear, 446 00:21:27,381 --> 00:21:32,219 - but let us never fear to negotiate. - My hero. A man of peace. 447 00:21:32,302 --> 00:21:34,221 If only you were president now. 448 00:21:36,473 --> 00:21:37,433 Wait. 449 00:21:41,437 --> 00:21:43,981 If I were president, what? 450 00:21:45,149 --> 00:21:46,608 [Malone gasping] 451 00:21:46,650 --> 00:21:49,987 You said that I was a hero, a true peacemaker. 452 00:21:53,198 --> 00:21:54,575 [Malone] You can't be here! 453 00:21:54,616 --> 00:21:56,160 You're dead! 454 00:21:56,243 --> 00:21:59,997 - You must redeem yourself. - How'd you do that? 455 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:02,458 This is the greatest country in history, 456 00:22:02,541 --> 00:22:04,918 and you have slandered it all over the globe. 457 00:22:05,002 --> 00:22:08,130 I was tryin' to be like you. You wouldn't have gone into Vietnam. 458 00:22:08,213 --> 00:22:10,716 - Who told you that? - Oliver Stone. In his movie. 459 00:22:10,799 --> 00:22:13,677 Oh, brother! Did you ever read my inaugural address? 460 00:22:13,761 --> 00:22:17,222 Of course! "Ask not what your country can do for you. 461 00:22:17,306 --> 00:22:18,766 Ask what..." Aah! 462 00:22:18,849 --> 00:22:21,769 Not that part. The part about going to war. 463 00:22:21,852 --> 00:22:24,021 - There was a war part? - Oh, brother. 464 00:22:28,484 --> 00:22:30,110 Let every nation know, 465 00:22:30,194 --> 00:22:32,571 whether they wish us well or ill, 466 00:22:32,613 --> 00:22:34,907 that we shall pay any price, 467 00:22:34,948 --> 00:22:36,825 bear any burden... 468 00:22:36,867 --> 00:22:37,826 [tapping screen] 469 00:22:37,910 --> 00:22:41,163 Meet any hardship, support any friend, 470 00:22:41,205 --> 00:22:45,959 oppose any foe, to assure the survival 471 00:22:46,043 --> 00:22:47,544 and the success of liberty. 472 00:22:47,628 --> 00:22:50,088 Uh, thanks, folks. 473 00:22:50,172 --> 00:22:53,300 Oh! I didn't know about the war part. 474 00:22:53,383 --> 00:22:56,470 What do you think that meant? Draft another 8 U.N. Resolutions? 475 00:22:56,553 --> 00:22:57,930 You sound like Reagan. 476 00:22:58,013 --> 00:23:00,307 Thank you. You're not gonna eat that, are you? 477 00:23:00,390 --> 00:23:03,936 OK, look, you will be visited by three spirits. 478 00:23:04,019 --> 00:23:05,145 Listen to them. 479 00:23:05,229 --> 00:23:06,188 Learn from them. 480 00:23:06,271 --> 00:23:07,397 Oh, yeah. 481 00:23:07,439 --> 00:23:11,693 The spirits are gonna come scare me, and I'm gonna be born again, right? 482 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:14,696 What a douchebag. 483 00:23:16,990 --> 00:23:17,950 Hey, wait! 484 00:23:18,033 --> 00:23:20,786 Hey, when are these spirits gonna... Aah! 485 00:23:26,208 --> 00:23:29,086 [Alarm clock beeping] 486 00:23:31,380 --> 00:23:32,506 Oh! 487 00:23:34,341 --> 00:23:35,676 What a nightmare. 488 00:23:36,885 --> 00:23:38,095 I'm gonna be late! 489 00:23:39,972 --> 00:23:40,973 Ooh! 490 00:23:41,056 --> 00:23:43,225 [Grandpa] He rushed to Columbia University 491 00:23:43,308 --> 00:23:45,727 to lead a demonstration against the troops. 492 00:23:45,811 --> 00:23:48,730 - [girl] What's a demonstration? - Well, in this case, 493 00:23:48,814 --> 00:23:52,568 it's when students show how much they don't know by repeating it loudly. 494 00:23:52,651 --> 00:23:55,779 [Protesters chanting] Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! 495 00:23:55,821 --> 00:23:58,740 Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! 496 00:23:58,782 --> 00:24:00,617 Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! 497 00:24:00,659 --> 00:24:02,369 Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! 498 00:24:02,453 --> 00:24:03,912 Peace, yes, recruiters, no! 499 00:24:03,996 --> 00:24:07,082 [Malone] There is nothing more important than stopping war! 500 00:24:07,166 --> 00:24:09,585 No more wars! No more wars! 501 00:24:09,668 --> 00:24:13,130 Because instead of fighting, we should talk to our enemies! 502 00:24:13,213 --> 00:24:15,007 Talk, don't fight! Talk, don't fight! 503 00:24:15,090 --> 00:24:19,470 Right! Right! Don't believe the government lies! 504 00:24:19,553 --> 00:24:21,930 Don't believe lies! Don't believe lies! 505 00:24:22,014 --> 00:24:25,142 Good... good. That's good chanting. Good. 506 00:24:25,184 --> 00:24:28,896 There is no terrorist threat! The government just wants to... 507 00:24:28,979 --> 00:24:31,482 The government just wants! The government just wants! 508 00:24:31,565 --> 00:24:35,152 That doesn't make any sense. Please hang on a second. Please, OK? 509 00:24:35,235 --> 00:24:36,361 [Chanting stops] 510 00:24:36,403 --> 00:24:38,947 The government is exaggerating the terrorist threat 511 00:24:39,031 --> 00:24:40,783 for its own nefarious purposes! 512 00:24:40,824 --> 00:24:44,328 What does nefarious mean? What does nefarious mean? 513 00:24:44,411 --> 00:24:47,664 Well, you know, it means... just hang on a second. 514 00:24:47,748 --> 00:24:50,459 Can we just stop chanting, please? 515 00:24:50,542 --> 00:24:53,504 - Stop, don't chant! Stop, don't... - Will you shut up?! 516 00:24:53,587 --> 00:24:55,631 Just shut up for a second! 517 00:24:55,714 --> 00:25:00,260 OK, uh... can we just try to listen for a minute 518 00:25:00,344 --> 00:25:01,720 without the chanting? 519 00:25:01,804 --> 00:25:03,972 OK, we have to stop... 520 00:25:04,056 --> 00:25:06,391 Hey! Free history term papers! 521 00:25:06,475 --> 00:25:07,726 - [Shouting] - Whoa! 522 00:25:07,768 --> 00:25:09,311 Oh! 523 00:25:12,564 --> 00:25:13,899 Ooh! 524 00:25:17,986 --> 00:25:19,321 Ooh, thanks a lot. 525 00:25:19,404 --> 00:25:20,739 That got a little wild. 526 00:25:22,866 --> 00:25:26,703 Hey, who are you? Army recruitin' senior citizens? 527 00:25:26,787 --> 00:25:28,163 Aah! Hey! 528 00:25:28,247 --> 00:25:33,335 That's "Hey, sir", maggot. I am General George S. Patton. 529 00:25:33,377 --> 00:25:34,920 That explains the slapping. 530 00:25:35,003 --> 00:25:37,548 You're General George Patton, from the movie? 531 00:25:37,631 --> 00:25:43,262 No. From the United States Army, back when this country was winning wars. 532 00:25:43,303 --> 00:25:46,181 Oh, my God, JFK. 533 00:25:46,265 --> 00:25:50,853 "You will be visited by three..." Aah! Hey! What's with all the slapping? 534 00:25:50,936 --> 00:25:53,230 It's my trademark. 535 00:25:53,313 --> 00:25:56,150 Well, maybe you ought to try a baseball cap. 536 00:25:56,233 --> 00:25:57,734 [Protesters] No more war! 537 00:25:57,818 --> 00:25:59,319 No more war! 538 00:25:59,403 --> 00:26:00,654 No more war! 539 00:26:00,737 --> 00:26:03,282 - Hey, where am I? - No more war! 540 00:26:03,365 --> 00:26:05,451 We pledge ourselves! 541 00:26:05,534 --> 00:26:09,621 We will not support the United States in any war! 542 00:26:09,705 --> 00:26:11,582 Right on, sister. 543 00:26:11,665 --> 00:26:14,835 - So, what's goin' on here? - Damn peace demonstration. 544 00:26:14,918 --> 00:26:18,422 Just like yours, only this is 1940. They don't want us to fight Hitler. 545 00:26:18,505 --> 00:26:21,049 - So they can't see us. - Right. 546 00:26:21,133 --> 00:26:22,551 Hmm. Aah! 547 00:26:22,634 --> 00:26:24,553 This is gonna be harder than I thought. 548 00:26:24,636 --> 00:26:26,680 I'm startin' to notice a pattern here. 549 00:26:26,764 --> 00:26:29,975 - Anyway, this never happened! - This absolutely happened. 550 00:26:30,017 --> 00:26:34,104 Well, they're pacifists. They understand war doesn't solve problems. 551 00:26:34,188 --> 00:26:37,191 The only way is to sign agreements like civilized people, 552 00:26:37,232 --> 00:26:40,986 - not like sadistic movie generals. - That general you saw was an actor! 553 00:26:41,069 --> 00:26:43,447 I'll show you what the real Patton was up against! 554 00:26:46,658 --> 00:26:49,661 OK, where are we now? Who's the guy dressed as a butler? 555 00:26:49,745 --> 00:26:51,663 Germany, September, 1938. 556 00:26:51,747 --> 00:26:55,167 That's Neville Chamberlain, weak-assed prime minister of England. 557 00:26:55,250 --> 00:26:57,920 Shh. He's gettin' a signed agreement. 558 00:26:58,003 --> 00:27:01,173 [Chamberlain] Right. This gives you all the Sudetenland, 559 00:27:01,215 --> 00:27:04,009 Austria, and a couple countries I can't pronounce. 560 00:27:04,093 --> 00:27:05,886 And we'll throw in Czechoslovakia. 561 00:27:05,969 --> 00:27:09,181 So that's C A, no. T... Oh! 562 00:27:09,264 --> 00:27:10,641 Let's make it Poland. 563 00:27:10,724 --> 00:27:13,435 The important thing is we now have hope. 564 00:27:13,477 --> 00:27:16,188 See? He stands for what's important. 565 00:27:16,271 --> 00:27:18,315 Does that look like standing to you? 566 00:27:19,316 --> 00:27:22,152 - There. How's that? - You missed a spot. 567 00:27:22,194 --> 00:27:25,572 [Patton] Hey! Don't you see these guys are playin' you for a fool? 568 00:27:25,656 --> 00:27:26,615 [Whistling] 569 00:27:29,998 --> 00:27:33,502 - War is not the answer. - [Patton] You wimpy little bastard! 570 00:27:33,585 --> 00:27:36,296 You're givin' this Nazi everything and gettin' nothin' in return! 571 00:27:36,338 --> 00:27:38,632 Not nothing. We get peace. 572 00:27:38,715 --> 00:27:41,927 � Kumbaya, my lord 573 00:27:42,010 --> 00:27:45,305 - � Kumbaya - And a damn fine cup of tea. 574 00:27:45,889 --> 00:27:48,559 Und we'll name a concentration camp after you. 575 00:27:48,642 --> 00:27:51,478 Think of it... Camp Auschwitz Chamberlain. 576 00:27:51,562 --> 00:27:52,563 Lovely. 577 00:27:56,581 --> 00:27:57,999 Hang on. I'm good at this. 578 00:27:58,041 --> 00:27:59,917 Mr. Herr President, 579 00:28:00,001 --> 00:28:03,046 obviously America's done something wrong to make you 580 00:28:03,129 --> 00:28:05,465 want to invade these countries and kill innocent people. 581 00:28:05,506 --> 00:28:09,218 - I'm just as frustrated as you. - Excuse me, Fuhrer... 582 00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:12,887 - � You're a grand old flag... - May I have a word? 583 00:28:12,971 --> 00:28:16,683 Hang on. America keeps doing things to piss off the rest of the world. 584 00:28:16,766 --> 00:28:18,017 We bring it on ourselves. 585 00:28:18,059 --> 00:28:21,187 What do we do to address your understandable grievances? 586 00:28:21,271 --> 00:28:23,064 How about carbon emission credits? 587 00:28:23,147 --> 00:28:25,483 That'll offset your need to invade France... 588 00:28:25,567 --> 00:28:26,818 Aah! 589 00:28:26,860 --> 00:28:28,862 [Soldiers] I don't know, but I been told, 590 00:28:28,945 --> 00:28:30,780 kill some Jews and take their gold. 591 00:28:30,864 --> 00:28:34,617 Third floor. Right. Sorry. 592 00:28:34,701 --> 00:28:37,662 They really should add flying to the things we can do. 593 00:28:37,745 --> 00:28:41,416 My point is talking to evil dictators gets you nothing. 594 00:28:41,499 --> 00:28:43,334 You know one thing they understand? 595 00:28:43,418 --> 00:28:45,837 I'm guessing some sort of physical violence. 596 00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:49,048 - Strength. That's the only thing. - Right. I'll remember that. 597 00:28:49,132 --> 00:28:51,676 Is there anything you think is worth fighting for? 598 00:28:51,759 --> 00:28:55,430 Well, I'd kill to do a feature. Now, can we please just go home? 599 00:28:55,513 --> 00:28:58,808 Sure thing. Right home. Cigar? 600 00:28:58,892 --> 00:29:02,395 And support the imperialist big business tobacco lobby? Never. 601 00:29:02,478 --> 00:29:03,438 It's Cuban. 602 00:29:03,521 --> 00:29:07,358 Hmm... I guess I can make an exception. 603 00:29:07,442 --> 00:29:11,029 Ah! Takes me back. 604 00:29:11,112 --> 00:29:12,280 What the hell is this? 605 00:29:12,363 --> 00:29:15,867 - Your home. Maloneville, Alabama. - I live in Alabama? 606 00:29:15,950 --> 00:29:19,454 Didn't you hear? Around 1860, all the good jobs started to move south. 607 00:29:19,496 --> 00:29:21,539 - After the Civil War? - There was no war. 608 00:29:21,581 --> 00:29:24,000 Lincoln agreed with you. War was not the answer. 609 00:29:24,083 --> 00:29:26,753 - Saved 600,000 American lives. - Well, that's good. 610 00:29:26,836 --> 00:29:29,047 Good move for the economy here, too. 611 00:29:29,088 --> 00:29:31,466 - What? Why? - Cheap labor. 612 00:29:31,508 --> 00:29:34,177 Mass'a Malone! Mass'a Malone! 613 00:29:34,219 --> 00:29:36,763 I had the boys polish your trophies like you told us. 614 00:29:36,846 --> 00:29:38,223 Polish my trophies? 615 00:29:38,306 --> 00:29:40,433 I ain't know they gave awards for a documentary. 616 00:29:40,517 --> 00:29:43,811 You know, for your information... Wait! Who are these people? 617 00:29:43,895 --> 00:29:46,272 You're the biggest slave owner in the state. 618 00:29:46,356 --> 00:29:48,399 Mass'a Malone, you ain't recognized me? 619 00:29:48,483 --> 00:29:49,567 I's Rastus. 620 00:29:49,609 --> 00:29:52,278 What? Oh, this can't be happening. 621 00:29:53,321 --> 00:29:54,864 Hey, isn't that... 622 00:29:56,157 --> 00:29:58,117 Yeah, that's him, all right. 623 00:29:58,201 --> 00:30:00,203 Don't you worry, mass'a Malone. 624 00:30:00,286 --> 00:30:02,831 We got them bacon stains out of the upholstery. 625 00:30:05,472 --> 00:30:08,517 It's a good thing ol' Mr. Lincoln never fought no wars. 626 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:13,355 Oh... look, uh, Rastus, you know this isn't real, right? 627 00:30:13,439 --> 00:30:16,650 Whatever you say, mass'a. Whatever you say, I guess this old ni... 628 00:30:16,733 --> 00:30:18,485 No! Don't! Stop! Don't say that. 629 00:30:18,569 --> 00:30:20,863 Mass'a Malone! Mass'a Malone! Good news! 630 00:30:20,946 --> 00:30:24,450 Productivity is through the roof since you sold Daddy and the old folks! 631 00:30:24,491 --> 00:30:26,493 Now we can buy us about 20 new bucks 632 00:30:26,577 --> 00:30:28,328 and start pickin' some cotton! 633 00:30:28,412 --> 00:30:31,039 [Men, singing in harmony] � The trouble I've seen... 634 00:30:32,923 --> 00:30:36,176 Rastus, tell me, how does old mass'a Malone treat his slaves? 635 00:30:36,218 --> 00:30:38,637 Mass'a Malone is the bestest, 636 00:30:38,679 --> 00:30:41,723 most kindliest mass'a a slave could have. 637 00:30:41,807 --> 00:30:44,351 Oh, he don't beat us unless we awful bad. 638 00:30:44,434 --> 00:30:47,396 And he don't sell the li'I children until they 6 months old. 639 00:30:47,479 --> 00:30:49,398 No, no, no! I... 640 00:30:49,481 --> 00:30:53,986 Mass'a, don't beat me! I ain't healed from the beatin' you gave me yesterday! 641 00:30:54,069 --> 00:30:56,780 No, I wasn't gonna be... Can you make them stop? 642 00:30:56,863 --> 00:30:58,031 Look, here, y'all! 643 00:30:58,115 --> 00:31:01,451 Mass'a don't want to hear slave shit! Kick somethin' into 4l4! 644 00:31:01,793 --> 00:31:02,794 [Man] 1, 2, 3, 4. 645 00:31:02,878 --> 00:31:05,463 � Hava nagila, hava nagila 646 00:31:05,547 --> 00:31:08,842 � Hava nagila ve nis'mecha 647 00:31:08,884 --> 00:31:12,137 � Hava nagila, we are so happy 648 00:31:12,220 --> 00:31:14,890 � That mass'a owns us He is the best, yeah! 649 00:31:14,931 --> 00:31:16,683 I gotta get out of here! 650 00:31:16,766 --> 00:31:19,728 All right, mass'a leavin'. Everybody wave goodbye. 651 00:31:19,811 --> 00:31:23,064 - Hope you can buy some more of us. - We sure could use a baritone. 652 00:31:23,148 --> 00:31:24,608 - Huh? - [Girl] Bye, Daddy. 653 00:31:24,691 --> 00:31:26,735 - [Malone screams] - [Boy] Bye, Daddy! 654 00:31:26,776 --> 00:31:29,070 - [Girl 2] Bye, Daddy! - [Girl 3] Bye, Daddy! 655 00:31:29,154 --> 00:31:30,238 [Screaming] 656 00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:33,533 - Aw, that was sick. - Not as sick as slavery. 657 00:31:35,577 --> 00:31:39,164 Lincoln is revered now for fighting that war. 658 00:31:40,457 --> 00:31:41,625 Hey, you would know. 659 00:31:41,666 --> 00:31:44,794 - Those rumors about Lincoln bein' gay. - [Cell phone ringing] 660 00:31:44,878 --> 00:31:46,421 Why don't I just shoot you now? 661 00:31:46,463 --> 00:31:48,340 Well, maybe he just had a wide stance. 662 00:31:48,381 --> 00:31:50,133 Hang on. I gotta take this. Hello! 663 00:31:50,217 --> 00:31:51,760 Michael? Where are you? 664 00:31:51,843 --> 00:31:55,388 - Oh, I'm in, uh, D.C. - Yeah, right. Wherever you are, 665 00:31:55,472 --> 00:31:57,974 you're supposed to be at Columbia in the morning. 666 00:31:58,058 --> 00:31:59,392 I know. Of course. 667 00:31:59,434 --> 00:32:01,603 - [Phone beeps] - Jane... Hello? Hello? Jane? 668 00:32:01,686 --> 00:32:04,022 [Off-the-hook signal] 669 00:32:04,064 --> 00:32:07,317 - Damn cell phones. - Here. Use mine. 670 00:32:09,027 --> 00:32:09,110 But do your minutes roll over to the next month? 671 00:32:09,110 --> 00:32:11,363 But do your minutes roll over to the next month? 672 00:32:11,404 --> 00:32:12,364 Course they do. 673 00:32:12,447 --> 00:32:15,700 - But do you get unlimited texting? - You think I was born yesterday? 674 00:32:15,784 --> 00:32:17,160 [Students conversing] 675 00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:18,453 [Door opens] 676 00:32:18,537 --> 00:32:19,704 Your people. 677 00:32:19,746 --> 00:32:21,248 Yep, the students love me. 678 00:32:21,331 --> 00:32:23,124 Love you? They don't even know you. 679 00:32:23,208 --> 00:32:24,417 You're unique. 680 00:32:24,501 --> 00:32:26,628 A liberal director who can't even get laid 681 00:32:26,711 --> 00:32:29,256 at the University Peace Studies Department. 682 00:32:29,339 --> 00:32:32,300 - They flock to my movies. - They flock to slasher movies. 683 00:32:32,384 --> 00:32:34,886 They go to your movies 'cause professors tell them to. 684 00:32:34,970 --> 00:32:38,265 This is where they get information to support the peace movement. 685 00:32:38,306 --> 00:32:41,351 - It's called education. - It's called indoctrination. 686 00:32:41,434 --> 00:32:45,105 The American flag is a symbol of oppression all over the world. 687 00:32:45,188 --> 00:32:47,232 July 4th is a despicable celebration. 688 00:32:47,274 --> 00:32:50,068 I know that look. You're gonna try to teach me somethin'. 689 00:32:50,151 --> 00:32:52,362 Where we gonna go now, back in time? 690 00:32:52,404 --> 00:32:54,781 We don't have to. We're at a university. 691 00:32:54,865 --> 00:32:56,241 [Pitch pipe plays note] 692 00:32:56,283 --> 00:32:58,910 � Nothing has changed 693 00:32:58,994 --> 00:33:02,289 � We still think the same way 694 00:33:02,372 --> 00:33:05,458 � And if you think the way we do 695 00:33:05,542 --> 00:33:08,420 � We'll give you an A 696 00:33:08,503 --> 00:33:11,131 � And you get extra credit 697 00:33:11,214 --> 00:33:14,676 � If you're poor, black, or gay 698 00:33:14,759 --> 00:33:18,763 � Just be sure not to pray 699 00:33:18,805 --> 00:33:22,017 � Yes, everything's the same 700 00:33:22,100 --> 00:33:23,018 Mmm! 701 00:33:23,101 --> 00:33:24,227 - [Slap] - Aah! 702 00:33:24,311 --> 00:33:26,021 [Man] Two, three, four. 703 00:33:26,104 --> 00:33:28,565 � The president's stupid, our soldiers are thugs 704 00:33:28,607 --> 00:33:30,442 � The government's dirty 705 00:33:30,483 --> 00:33:31,902 � Our cops are on drugs 706 00:33:31,943 --> 00:33:34,905 � But we still like our co-eds with blond hair and jugs 707 00:33:34,946 --> 00:33:38,325 � And America's to blame 708 00:33:38,366 --> 00:33:41,620 � Just like in 1968 709 00:33:41,703 --> 00:33:43,830 - Are you kidding? A musical number? - � 1968 710 00:33:43,914 --> 00:33:45,290 A little entertainment. 711 00:33:45,373 --> 00:33:47,626 � We were smart when we had something to part 712 00:33:47,709 --> 00:33:49,377 What kind of a soldier are you? 713 00:33:49,461 --> 00:33:51,713 Startin' to understand the boots and the whip. 714 00:33:51,796 --> 00:33:54,925 � 1968, things were really great 715 00:33:54,966 --> 00:33:56,676 � I used to ovulate 716 00:33:56,760 --> 00:33:59,971 � You gotta love 1968 717 00:34:00,055 --> 00:34:02,307 Hey, what are you doin' with our kids? 718 00:34:02,390 --> 00:34:03,350 � ... in the moon 719 00:34:03,433 --> 00:34:06,353 � And so what if there are facts That we forget to include? 720 00:34:06,436 --> 00:34:09,272 � We've already got tenure So your children are screwed 721 00:34:09,356 --> 00:34:12,609 � To a college with half a brain Nothin's changed 722 00:34:12,692 --> 00:34:14,945 What do your parents think you're doin' here? 723 00:34:15,028 --> 00:34:17,322 They're just happy to have us out of the house. 724 00:34:17,405 --> 00:34:20,283 Wanna hear what you're spending your life savings on? 725 00:34:20,367 --> 00:34:23,119 - I gave up an ass lift for this? - Take a look! 726 00:34:23,203 --> 00:34:25,789 � America's evil, it's a fascist regime 727 00:34:25,872 --> 00:34:29,084 � Take over the world It's the American dream 728 00:34:29,167 --> 00:34:31,711 � And pay no attention to the being supreme 729 00:34:31,795 --> 00:34:37,133 [Malone] � He doesn't matter Anymore 730 00:34:39,886 --> 00:34:40,845 Oh. 731 00:34:40,929 --> 00:34:43,848 � Just like in 1968 732 00:34:45,183 --> 00:34:46,810 � 1968 733 00:34:48,019 --> 00:34:50,856 � 1968 734 00:34:50,939 --> 00:34:52,732 � 1968 735 00:34:52,816 --> 00:34:53,984 � Come on to 19 736 00:34:54,067 --> 00:34:55,694 � 1968 737 00:34:55,735 --> 00:34:56,987 � Let's keep singin' it 738 00:34:57,070 --> 00:34:58,989 � 1968 739 00:34:59,072 --> 00:35:02,158 - So, what do you think now? - I'm still against torture. 740 00:35:02,242 --> 00:35:04,494 OK, so they're a little behind the times. 741 00:35:04,536 --> 00:35:07,873 It doesn't make it OK for you to embarrass those great professors. 742 00:35:07,956 --> 00:35:09,833 Doin' a good job of that themselves. 743 00:35:09,916 --> 00:35:11,710 They're only tryin' to bring peace. 744 00:35:11,751 --> 00:35:15,255 By indoctrinating an entire generation to hate its own country. 745 00:35:15,255 --> 00:35:16,840 Well, they teach math, too. 746 00:35:18,049 --> 00:35:21,344 When was it in your life that you went so completely wrong? 747 00:35:21,386 --> 00:35:22,888 Was it in college? 748 00:35:22,971 --> 00:35:23,972 Before that? 749 00:35:24,055 --> 00:35:25,056 Was it a girl? 750 00:35:27,225 --> 00:35:29,269 [Doorbell rings] 751 00:35:29,352 --> 00:35:31,897 - Michael! - Molly! 752 00:35:34,733 --> 00:35:38,570 Molly, I'm off to save the world, but I'll be back. 753 00:35:38,653 --> 00:35:41,615 Oh, Michael, war is such a terrible thing. 754 00:35:41,656 --> 00:35:42,699 I know, Molly. 755 00:35:42,782 --> 00:35:44,826 That's why I'm going off to film school. 756 00:35:44,910 --> 00:35:46,703 Film school? 757 00:35:46,786 --> 00:35:49,456 Yes. No sacrifice too great. 758 00:35:49,497 --> 00:35:51,082 You'll wait for me of course? 759 00:35:51,124 --> 00:35:53,043 Sure. Or course. 760 00:35:53,126 --> 00:35:54,628 Take your time. 761 00:36:00,383 --> 00:36:01,968 But she didn't wait, did she? 762 00:36:02,052 --> 00:36:05,180 She tried, but I was gone so long. 763 00:36:05,180 --> 00:36:08,099 Long? You were kicked out in the first semester. 764 00:36:08,183 --> 00:36:09,309 [Doorbell rings] 765 00:36:09,351 --> 00:36:10,435 [Molly] Coming! 766 00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:17,692 - Molly. - Marty! 767 00:36:23,573 --> 00:36:24,908 Oh, my God! 768 00:36:24,991 --> 00:36:27,410 This can't be happening! 769 00:36:27,494 --> 00:36:28,662 My best friend? 770 00:36:28,745 --> 00:36:31,790 We fell in love while you were gone. 771 00:36:31,873 --> 00:36:34,251 No! I mean, he's in the army! 772 00:36:34,334 --> 00:36:36,711 How terrible! You got drafted! 773 00:36:36,795 --> 00:36:38,338 No, Michael. I enlisted. 774 00:36:38,421 --> 00:36:39,923 I want to serve my country. 775 00:36:40,006 --> 00:36:43,134 How could you want to serve the corrupt American war machine? 776 00:36:43,218 --> 00:36:45,554 - Molly. - Marty. 777 00:36:45,637 --> 00:36:48,848 I just love men in uniform. 778 00:36:48,932 --> 00:36:51,184 Oh, shoot. 779 00:36:54,563 --> 00:36:57,315 You know, that uniform always worked for me, too. 780 00:36:57,357 --> 00:36:58,483 [Chuckles] 781 00:36:58,567 --> 00:37:00,610 So, you remember what happened next. 782 00:37:00,694 --> 00:37:03,572 Yeah, my first film. A daring expose on something... 783 00:37:03,655 --> 00:37:05,031 She did the astronaut, too? 784 00:37:05,115 --> 00:37:06,825 And the entire crew of the shuttle. 785 00:37:08,535 --> 00:37:10,579 [� The Army Goes Rolling Along playing] 786 00:37:16,558 --> 00:37:18,435 [Sound of record needle scratching] 787 00:37:20,270 --> 00:37:23,607 Well, general, enjoyed this cruel little side trip, thank you, 788 00:37:23,691 --> 00:37:25,734 but I have an interview in 20 minutes. 789 00:37:25,818 --> 00:37:27,611 Don't worry, kid. 790 00:37:27,695 --> 00:37:29,571 Things are gonna get a lot worse. 791 00:37:36,501 --> 00:37:41,422 The demonstration is outside the Madison Square Garden. 792 00:37:41,506 --> 00:37:45,384 We need to get into artists' entrance where there are no metal detectors. 793 00:37:45,468 --> 00:37:48,346 Well, for that, we will need all-access media passes. 794 00:37:48,429 --> 00:37:49,347 Exactly. 795 00:37:49,430 --> 00:37:51,891 You must get these from director Malone. 796 00:37:51,974 --> 00:37:54,519 He can get them. He's a documentary filmmaker. 797 00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:58,815 Wait. You got us a documentary filmmaker? 798 00:37:58,898 --> 00:38:01,901 Yes, but, leader, he gets to go everywhere 799 00:38:01,984 --> 00:38:03,903 so he can document his hate of America. 800 00:38:03,986 --> 00:38:06,989 Where would they give all-access passes to someone like that? 801 00:38:07,073 --> 00:38:08,491 - America! - America! 802 00:38:08,574 --> 00:38:09,700 [Both laughing] 803 00:38:11,410 --> 00:38:14,664 - Ahmed? Mohammed? - Oh, uh, director Akbar. 804 00:38:14,705 --> 00:38:18,584 - What are you doin' here? - We are here to watch your interview. 805 00:38:18,668 --> 00:38:21,712 - [Mohammed] And talk about the movie. - [Malone] Oh, yeah. 806 00:38:21,796 --> 00:38:23,464 Who's Mister Happy? 807 00:38:23,506 --> 00:38:26,467 Oh, him? Aziz is an actor. 808 00:38:27,677 --> 00:38:30,680 Well, he's also our contact to the foreign investors. 809 00:38:30,763 --> 00:38:34,183 Oh... [laughs] Aziz, my man. Wonderful to meet you. 810 00:38:34,267 --> 00:38:38,479 You know, for financing a movie, you can get an associate producer credit. Huh? 811 00:38:38,563 --> 00:38:42,024 Oh, holdin' out for executive producer. Too clever for me. 812 00:38:42,108 --> 00:38:44,110 You must have been killer sellin' rugs. 813 00:38:44,193 --> 00:38:45,570 OK, we'll negotiate. 814 00:38:45,611 --> 00:38:47,697 How about joinin' me for the interview? 815 00:38:47,780 --> 00:38:51,784 - No, no, no, he can't be on TV. - I am here illegally. 816 00:38:51,868 --> 00:38:54,454 Mohammed and Ahmed have visas, but I could not. 817 00:38:54,495 --> 00:38:56,164 Yes, he was on some kind of list. 818 00:38:58,583 --> 00:39:01,878 [Aziz] I came through Mexico... with some friends. 819 00:39:01,919 --> 00:39:03,004 Great, great. 820 00:39:03,045 --> 00:39:04,839 Good thing that fence isn't up yet. 821 00:39:04,922 --> 00:39:07,008 This country was built by immigrants. 822 00:39:07,091 --> 00:39:10,136 No matter. We'll get you a nice cameo in the movie. 823 00:39:10,219 --> 00:39:13,181 Have to shave, though. You look like a terrorist. 824 00:39:13,264 --> 00:39:14,640 [Malone laughing] 825 00:39:14,724 --> 00:39:16,058 [Laughing] 826 00:39:17,935 --> 00:39:19,771 [Screams, imitates explosion] 827 00:39:19,854 --> 00:39:21,522 Aah! Help me! I'm on fire! 828 00:39:21,606 --> 00:39:23,107 Aah! Bam! 829 00:39:23,191 --> 00:39:24,358 Hey, a bomb went off! 830 00:39:24,442 --> 00:39:25,777 [Laughing] 831 00:39:27,111 --> 00:39:30,281 So what's the next step? Financing in place? 832 00:39:30,364 --> 00:39:31,282 Yes. 833 00:39:31,365 --> 00:39:33,326 But before the money is committed, 834 00:39:33,409 --> 00:39:35,620 I'll need media passes to your demonstration. 835 00:39:35,703 --> 00:39:36,704 Media passes? 836 00:39:36,788 --> 00:39:40,041 Well, uh, he wants to hear the great director speak. 837 00:39:40,166 --> 00:39:43,795 Oh, yes, all right. We can arrange that. 838 00:39:43,878 --> 00:39:47,256 Be good to have you there, show that everybody's against violence. 839 00:39:47,298 --> 00:39:50,301 - Especially jihadists. - [Elevator bell rings] 840 00:39:52,386 --> 00:39:53,346 What? 841 00:39:53,429 --> 00:39:55,640 We need to treat all cultures equally. 842 00:39:55,723 --> 00:39:58,226 Everyone is equal. 843 00:39:58,309 --> 00:40:01,687 Oh, damn. A thread. Right before the interview. 844 00:40:01,771 --> 00:40:02,980 Allow me. 845 00:40:07,026 --> 00:40:08,861 Oh, thanks there, Ali Baba. 846 00:40:11,114 --> 00:40:13,533 Hi. I'm Bill O'Reilly. Thanks for watching. 847 00:40:13,616 --> 00:40:16,369 Tonight's special segment is July 4th. 848 00:40:16,452 --> 00:40:19,705 Now, most folks will be celebrating by going to a barbecue, 849 00:40:19,789 --> 00:40:21,707 a parade, or here in New York City, 850 00:40:21,791 --> 00:40:25,878 to a Madison Square Garden country music concert for the troops. 851 00:40:25,920 --> 00:40:28,631 But my guests tonight have different plans. 852 00:40:28,714 --> 00:40:31,134 Michael Malone is planning a demonstration 853 00:40:31,217 --> 00:40:34,345 - to abolish the Fourth of July. - Hi, Bill. 854 00:40:34,387 --> 00:40:38,433 And there are always fireworks with TV personality Rosie O'Connell. 855 00:40:38,516 --> 00:40:39,642 Good to be here, Bill. 856 00:40:39,684 --> 00:40:43,312 Rosie's gonna show us a clip from her documentary, but first, Mr. Malone, 857 00:40:43,354 --> 00:40:46,774 you're demonstrating against the troops on Independence Day? 858 00:40:46,858 --> 00:40:47,859 Come on. 859 00:40:47,942 --> 00:40:50,194 It's not against the troops. It's against... 860 00:40:50,278 --> 00:40:53,823 Look, we support the troops. We just don't want them to kill anyone. 861 00:40:53,906 --> 00:40:56,492 What? Don't you realize that these troops 862 00:40:56,576 --> 00:41:00,121 are the only ones standing between radical Islam and innocent people? 863 00:41:00,163 --> 00:41:01,414 Bill, there you go. 864 00:41:01,497 --> 00:41:03,958 You think all terrorists are radical Islamists. 865 00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:05,209 That's profiling. 866 00:41:05,293 --> 00:41:08,421 Radical Christianity is as threatening as radical Islam. 867 00:41:08,504 --> 00:41:11,090 - I don't think she means... - It's exactly what I mean! 868 00:41:11,174 --> 00:41:12,258 You can't be serious. 869 00:41:12,341 --> 00:41:15,595 I'm serious and Michael agrees with me. Let's roll the clip. 870 00:41:15,678 --> 00:41:17,472 All right, roll it. 871 00:41:17,555 --> 00:41:20,266 [Announcer] The civilized world braces itself 872 00:41:20,349 --> 00:41:22,935 for an onslaught of death and destruction 873 00:41:23,019 --> 00:41:25,188 brought on by radical Christians 874 00:41:25,271 --> 00:41:29,317 as they attempt to spread their ideology through terror throughout the world. 875 00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:38,534 Praise Jesus! 876 00:41:40,495 --> 00:41:42,121 Hail Mary full of grace! 877 00:41:42,205 --> 00:41:44,916 Look out! It's those Christians! 878 00:41:44,957 --> 00:41:47,627 72 virgins, here I come! 879 00:41:47,668 --> 00:41:49,253 [Announcer] We all pay the price 880 00:41:49,337 --> 00:41:52,548 for the increased security needs caused by the actions 881 00:41:52,632 --> 00:41:53,925 of radical Christians. 882 00:41:54,008 --> 00:41:56,427 I hate having to take these off every time. 883 00:41:56,469 --> 00:41:59,013 Yeah. Ever since that Christian hid explosives 884 00:41:59,055 --> 00:42:00,348 in the bottom of his shoes. 885 00:42:00,431 --> 00:42:03,059 You can't take this on. I'll have to confiscate it. 886 00:42:03,142 --> 00:42:04,102 Toothpaste? 887 00:42:04,185 --> 00:42:06,854 No liquids since the Christians tried to bomb that plane 888 00:42:06,938 --> 00:42:09,899 with smuggled nitroglycerine and let me take this as well. 889 00:42:09,941 --> 00:42:10,900 [Baby crying] 890 00:42:10,983 --> 00:42:14,487 - [Man] Please remove all underclothing. - Oh, brother. 891 00:42:14,570 --> 00:42:17,990 - Ever since the underwear bomber. - The Christian underwear bomber. 892 00:42:18,032 --> 00:42:21,285 [Man on PA] All items of underclothing must be placed in the trays. 893 00:42:21,369 --> 00:42:22,537 Damn those Christians. 894 00:42:22,620 --> 00:42:24,831 - Yipes! - My God! 895 00:42:24,914 --> 00:42:28,084 If you add extra bleach, you might get those stains out. 896 00:42:28,167 --> 00:42:30,294 - Hey! - Have you considered a change in diet? 897 00:42:30,378 --> 00:42:32,588 - What? - Honey? Wouldn't hurt. 898 00:42:32,672 --> 00:42:34,006 [Man grunting and moaning] 899 00:42:35,258 --> 00:42:37,218 Ever since the suppository bomber... 900 00:42:37,301 --> 00:42:39,387 The Episcopal suppository bomber. 901 00:42:41,973 --> 00:42:45,059 That's not a documentary. That's The Flintstones. 902 00:42:45,143 --> 00:42:48,771 Bill, using reenactments to prove points is a sign of a great documentary. 903 00:42:48,813 --> 00:42:50,523 That's what we do. Right, Michael? 904 00:42:50,606 --> 00:42:53,943 Bill, you wouldn't get that, because you're a close-minded bigot! 905 00:42:53,985 --> 00:42:57,572 Actually, Rosie, I'm thinkin' your masterpiece may win some awards. 906 00:42:57,613 --> 00:43:00,908 Let's start it off with enshrining you in the Pinhead Hall of Fame. 907 00:43:00,992 --> 00:43:02,034 Keep it up, Bill. 908 00:43:02,118 --> 00:43:04,704 We wouldn't be at war at all if we didn't overreact 909 00:43:04,787 --> 00:43:06,164 to that phony 9l11 attack. 910 00:43:06,247 --> 00:43:08,916 [O'Reilly] You can't be serious. I rest my case. 911 00:43:08,958 --> 00:43:11,461 Can we talk about the Anti-War demonstration? 912 00:43:11,544 --> 00:43:14,714 You think those towers were brought down by planes? No, explosives. 913 00:43:14,714 --> 00:43:17,717 - Malone. - That's simply idiotic. No sane... 914 00:43:17,759 --> 00:43:20,094 It's the first time fire ever melted steel! 915 00:43:20,178 --> 00:43:23,473 Rosie, I've heard that claim. It's only made by complete morons. 916 00:43:23,556 --> 00:43:25,349 Now, Bill, our demonstration... 917 00:43:25,433 --> 00:43:28,311 Don't call me names. We weren't even invaded by a nation! 918 00:43:28,394 --> 00:43:29,729 She's a little far out. 919 00:43:29,812 --> 00:43:31,773 Here's a news flash for you, Malone. 920 00:43:31,856 --> 00:43:34,317 Your movies may not be as crazy as Rosie's, 921 00:43:34,358 --> 00:43:38,279 but yours are more dangerous because some idiots believe what you say. 922 00:43:38,362 --> 00:43:39,655 Because I tell the truth! 923 00:43:39,739 --> 00:43:42,325 Because you tell the audience what it wants to hear. 924 00:43:42,408 --> 00:43:43,993 At least nobody believes Rosie. 925 00:43:44,076 --> 00:43:46,704 You didn't even believe that Elvis is still alive. 926 00:43:46,788 --> 00:43:48,748 Or that we never landed on the Moon. 927 00:43:48,831 --> 00:43:52,126 I'm gonna take both and put 'em into my next documentary. 928 00:43:52,168 --> 00:43:55,671 Well, that concludes this look at the moderate left. 929 00:43:55,755 --> 00:43:59,258 Next week, we'll be looking at the crazies who populate the fringe. 930 00:44:03,012 --> 00:44:04,055 [Woman] Mr. Malone? 931 00:44:04,138 --> 00:44:06,307 Mr. Malone? 932 00:44:06,390 --> 00:44:07,517 Mr. Malone? 933 00:44:07,558 --> 00:44:09,143 [Boy] Grandpa? Grandpa! 934 00:44:09,227 --> 00:44:10,228 What? 935 00:44:14,811 --> 00:44:16,146 A Mr. Mohammed called. 936 00:44:16,229 --> 00:44:18,481 Something about not being late for rehearsal? 937 00:44:18,565 --> 00:44:20,317 Heather, I still have plenty of... 938 00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:21,401 A rehearsal?! 939 00:44:21,484 --> 00:44:23,820 How could you be part of the evil military 940 00:44:23,862 --> 00:44:26,990 and kill my brothers and sisters who are defending their country? 941 00:44:27,073 --> 00:44:31,202 Yusef, there are no straight men left. Girls like me have to join the army. 942 00:44:31,286 --> 00:44:32,996 Yes, that's why I joined. 943 00:44:33,079 --> 00:44:35,415 She reads the lines with such conviction. 944 00:44:35,498 --> 00:44:38,793 Yes. This is so much better than building pipe bombs. 945 00:44:38,877 --> 00:44:40,045 What are you doing? 946 00:44:40,128 --> 00:44:42,631 W had to start rehearsals. We have no time to waste. 947 00:44:42,714 --> 00:44:44,299 - But we haven't even... - Shh! 948 00:44:44,382 --> 00:44:47,761 Say no to the army, run away to France where they have real men. 949 00:44:47,844 --> 00:44:50,138 No. The recruiters kidnap us off the street, 950 00:44:50,221 --> 00:44:53,058 talk to us for hours until we finally agree to sign up. 951 00:44:53,141 --> 00:44:54,225 Like Scientology. 952 00:44:54,267 --> 00:44:57,145 I'll ask the great leader Osama for us to stay together. 953 00:44:57,228 --> 00:44:58,730 - I didn't write that. - Shh! 954 00:44:58,813 --> 00:45:01,399 - [Man] To stay together. - Please. Director Akbar! 955 00:45:01,483 --> 00:45:03,443 - Huh? - For us to stay together... 956 00:45:05,226 --> 00:45:07,095 [man] Is this a real sword? 957 00:45:07,179 --> 00:45:08,305 [Man 2] Yes. Be careful. 958 00:45:08,388 --> 00:45:10,223 - [Man screams] - [Malone] Oh, my God. 959 00:45:10,265 --> 00:45:12,309 I will ask the great leader Osama. 960 00:45:12,392 --> 00:45:14,811 She's an infidel. Cut off her head. 961 00:45:14,895 --> 00:45:17,856 - Aah! - And cut off her balls, too! 962 00:45:17,939 --> 00:45:20,442 - Yaah! Come back here! - No! Not me! Kill her! 963 00:45:20,484 --> 00:45:22,611 - Death to the uncircumcised! - Asshole! 964 00:45:22,694 --> 00:45:24,905 - This sword is heavy! - Just one second. 965 00:45:24,946 --> 00:45:26,114 Give him more lines. 966 00:45:26,198 --> 00:45:28,825 - Hey, isn't that? - Yes, actor Akbar. 967 00:45:28,909 --> 00:45:30,494 Revered by all Americans. 968 00:45:30,577 --> 00:45:34,915 This isn't that kind of movie. This is serious, for adults. Not entertainment. 969 00:45:34,998 --> 00:45:37,709 - He will be hard to replace. - There is no replacing! 970 00:45:37,751 --> 00:45:41,254 This is about militants being held at Guantanamo without a lawyer! 971 00:45:41,296 --> 00:45:43,548 Meryl Streep already did that! 972 00:45:43,732 --> 00:45:46,651 What about the Marine who rapes and murders an Iraqi family? 973 00:45:46,735 --> 00:45:48,487 Brian De Palma, straight to video. 974 00:45:48,528 --> 00:45:50,864 - [Clanging] - Lawyer who fights wiretapping. 975 00:45:50,947 --> 00:45:51,865 Robert Redford. 976 00:45:51,948 --> 00:45:53,867 Soldier who's forced to go back to Iraq! 977 00:45:53,909 --> 00:45:56,036 - Has an Oscar buzz. - I want to see that! 978 00:45:56,119 --> 00:45:58,288 - We'll see it Friday. - It's a date. 979 00:45:58,330 --> 00:45:59,581 [Groaning] 980 00:45:59,623 --> 00:46:03,043 I know. All the really great anti-American films have been done. 981 00:46:03,126 --> 00:46:05,504 No way we can compete with Hollywood studios. 982 00:46:05,587 --> 00:46:07,923 [Man] Michael Malone? What are you doing here? 983 00:46:08,006 --> 00:46:12,094 - I'm directing this picture. - What? I don't do documentaries. 984 00:46:12,177 --> 00:46:15,472 - Malone! We're under attack! - [Malone] Now what? 985 00:46:18,391 --> 00:46:20,852 [People screaming, horns honking] 986 00:46:21,728 --> 00:46:23,814 - Come on! - Aah! 987 00:46:24,856 --> 00:46:26,358 I don't see an attack. 988 00:46:26,441 --> 00:46:29,194 - A gun? I don't... - Fine. I know. Talk, don't shoot. 989 00:46:29,277 --> 00:46:31,863 Think of that as a talkin' stick. Let's go, men! 990 00:46:31,947 --> 00:46:35,075 - [Malone] Where are we going?! - [Patton] Don't step in that! 991 00:46:38,203 --> 00:46:39,871 [Malone] What's going on?! 992 00:46:39,955 --> 00:46:42,541 Sons of bitches! Get the hell out of this courtroom! 993 00:46:42,624 --> 00:46:46,211 - Stop! You can't just shoot people! - They're not people! They're the ACLU! 994 00:46:46,294 --> 00:46:48,088 What?! You still can't... 995 00:46:48,130 --> 00:46:49,339 Oh! Aah! 996 00:46:49,381 --> 00:46:51,133 Aah! Aah! 997 00:46:54,719 --> 00:46:57,931 - Fire at will, boys! - [Malone screaming] 998 00:46:58,682 --> 00:47:00,934 - [People screaming] - What's goin' on here? 999 00:47:01,017 --> 00:47:03,603 ACLU. They come around every now and then. 1000 00:47:03,645 --> 00:47:05,772 No listenin' in on terrorists' calls. 1001 00:47:05,814 --> 00:47:08,191 Be nice to Al Qaeda. Read 'em their rights. 1002 00:47:08,275 --> 00:47:09,568 [Lawyers grunting] 1003 00:47:09,651 --> 00:47:11,611 [Judge] Separation of church and state. 1004 00:47:11,653 --> 00:47:12,821 Aah! 1005 00:47:12,904 --> 00:47:16,575 I'll tell you one thing about the undead. They are relentless. 1006 00:47:16,575 --> 00:47:17,826 Aah! 1007 00:47:17,868 --> 00:47:20,787 Gun control. That gets 'em a little riled up, too. 1008 00:47:20,871 --> 00:47:22,289 - [Gunshot] - Aah! 1009 00:47:22,372 --> 00:47:24,958 I think we could use gun control right about now! 1010 00:47:25,041 --> 00:47:26,418 Tell it to them. 1011 00:47:26,501 --> 00:47:27,461 Aah! 1012 00:47:28,587 --> 00:47:29,588 Aah! 1013 00:47:29,671 --> 00:47:31,089 Try it. It's fun. 1014 00:47:31,173 --> 00:47:32,841 - [Gunshot] - Whoa! 1015 00:47:32,924 --> 00:47:35,385 Try not to lead 'em so much next time. 1016 00:47:35,469 --> 00:47:36,553 Aah! 1017 00:47:36,595 --> 00:47:37,679 - Aah! - Aah! 1018 00:47:38,305 --> 00:47:42,851 What we're tryin' to do here, son, is protect the Ten Commandments. 1019 00:47:42,934 --> 00:47:44,144 There's still five left. 1020 00:47:44,227 --> 00:47:47,856 Hey, judge! Is the "not killing" still up there? 1021 00:47:47,898 --> 00:47:49,065 Aw, screw it! 1022 00:47:50,025 --> 00:47:50,942 Aah! 1023 00:47:51,026 --> 00:47:53,612 - Guns are not the answer! - [Gunshot] 1024 00:47:53,695 --> 00:47:56,448 - Aah! - Nice shot. 1025 00:47:56,531 --> 00:47:58,158 Oh, my God, what have I done? 1026 00:47:58,200 --> 00:48:00,577 The first one's always the best. 1027 00:48:02,621 --> 00:48:04,414 [Both grunting] 1028 00:48:07,459 --> 00:48:09,252 OK, OK, give me that thing. 1029 00:48:09,336 --> 00:48:10,295 Aah! 1030 00:48:11,338 --> 00:48:12,380 Ooh! 1031 00:48:12,464 --> 00:48:13,965 I bet they heard that. 1032 00:48:14,049 --> 00:48:17,052 Come on! They're on the subway! 1033 00:48:17,135 --> 00:48:18,637 Godspeed, General! 1034 00:48:27,646 --> 00:48:29,439 I'll need to see your bag, please. 1035 00:48:33,443 --> 00:48:34,945 [Grunting] 1036 00:48:36,613 --> 00:48:38,615 This says we can't search their bags. 1037 00:48:38,698 --> 00:48:40,784 [Grunting] 1038 00:48:43,703 --> 00:48:45,622 Thank Allah for the ACLU. 1039 00:48:45,664 --> 00:48:48,750 Now you are going to see the glory of jihad. 1040 00:48:48,834 --> 00:48:51,461 They're going to fly a subway into a building? 1041 00:48:53,797 --> 00:48:54,965 [Gunshots] 1042 00:48:55,006 --> 00:48:58,343 Subway into a building... hmm. 1043 00:48:58,343 --> 00:49:01,888 Well, now you've gone too far! You're against privacy rights, too? 1044 00:49:01,972 --> 00:49:04,391 Only when they interfere with survival rights. 1045 00:49:10,439 --> 00:49:12,816 Enjoy your privacy rights in hell. 1046 00:49:15,986 --> 00:49:18,822 The Patriot Act is spoiling everything. 1047 00:49:18,864 --> 00:49:21,032 I can't believe I lent Fayed my backpack. 1048 00:49:21,116 --> 00:49:22,117 Aah! 1049 00:49:23,160 --> 00:49:24,744 - [Clanging] - [Screaming] 1050 00:49:24,786 --> 00:49:27,706 Sir, we are ready to do our duty. 1051 00:49:27,789 --> 00:49:30,584 Your job is to pick up the three all-access media passes 1052 00:49:30,625 --> 00:49:32,586 from the infidel director. 1053 00:49:32,669 --> 00:49:35,964 As America watches that concert on TV, 1054 00:49:36,047 --> 00:49:38,467 they will see the power of jihad. 1055 00:49:38,508 --> 00:49:41,011 You are going to blow up Madison Square Garden? 1056 00:49:41,094 --> 00:49:42,387 When that roof collapses 1057 00:49:42,471 --> 00:49:45,098 on 20,000 American soldiers and their families, 1058 00:49:45,182 --> 00:49:48,393 we will be held as martyrs throughout the Arab world. 1059 00:49:48,477 --> 00:49:50,771 But we will be dead. 1060 00:49:52,522 --> 00:49:53,774 Yes. 1061 00:49:53,857 --> 00:49:57,861 Isn't there like a remote control or a button or something? 1062 00:49:57,903 --> 00:50:01,239 Leader, we get the passes for it from the director Akbar. 1063 00:50:01,323 --> 00:50:02,324 Very good. 1064 00:50:02,407 --> 00:50:04,576 I'm gonna grab a knish. 1065 00:50:04,659 --> 00:50:06,328 Your families will be proud. 1066 00:50:09,748 --> 00:50:11,416 Is there nothing we can do? 1067 00:50:11,500 --> 00:50:14,419 Nothing. The plan is foolproof. 1068 00:50:40,870 --> 00:50:45,792 Enough already. It's not as if I'm against Santa Claus or the Boy Scouts. 1069 00:50:45,834 --> 00:50:46,918 Little tip for you. 1070 00:50:47,002 --> 00:50:48,586 Fascist uniforms, not cool. 1071 00:50:48,670 --> 00:50:50,922 - Or religion. - Or the Fourth of July? 1072 00:50:51,006 --> 00:50:54,092 Fourth of July? That reminds me. I got a demonstration. See ya. 1073 00:50:54,175 --> 00:50:55,427 [Lawyers grunting] 1074 00:50:55,510 --> 00:50:56,511 You're leavin'? 1075 00:50:56,594 --> 00:50:59,055 Yep. End of the line for me, so conjure up some fog 1076 00:50:59,139 --> 00:51:02,434 - and get me the hell out of here. - Just go. This is real. 1077 00:51:02,475 --> 00:51:03,518 Are you sure? 1078 00:51:03,601 --> 00:51:05,311 That subway station was too clean. 1079 00:51:05,395 --> 00:51:06,730 Oh... unh! 1080 00:51:06,771 --> 00:51:09,774 [Country music playing, people conversing] 1081 00:51:16,698 --> 00:51:18,116 That's the real America. 1082 00:51:18,158 --> 00:51:21,661 Proud to celebrate the Fourth of July, just like your own family. 1083 00:51:21,745 --> 00:51:25,165 - This is my own family. - Huh? 1084 00:51:25,248 --> 00:51:26,833 Oh, right. So it is. 1085 00:51:26,916 --> 00:51:28,335 Hey, do I smell burgers? 1086 00:51:30,045 --> 00:51:31,963 I made your favorite, sweet potatoes. 1087 00:51:32,047 --> 00:51:33,298 Aw, honey, you know, 1088 00:51:33,381 --> 00:51:35,842 what I think I'm gonna miss most is your cooking. 1089 00:51:35,925 --> 00:51:38,345 - Not my kisses? - [Both laughing] 1090 00:51:39,137 --> 00:51:41,056 Should I set a place for Uncle Michael? 1091 00:51:41,097 --> 00:51:44,225 Oh, no, honey. Uncle Michael's still very busy. 1092 00:51:44,309 --> 00:51:46,353 I feel bad he keeps disappointing you. 1093 00:51:46,436 --> 00:51:48,980 [Josh] Well, he'll come around. 1094 00:51:49,022 --> 00:51:52,817 - [Timmy] God bless us, everyone. - There he is, my gentle little Timmy. 1095 00:51:52,901 --> 00:51:55,570 What a beautiful day for a family picnic. 1096 00:51:55,612 --> 00:51:57,614 Hey, Timmy, ready for dessert? 1097 00:51:57,656 --> 00:52:01,076 Daddy, is your asshole uncle coming tonight? 1098 00:52:01,159 --> 00:52:02,285 Uh, well... 1099 00:52:02,327 --> 00:52:05,038 Uh, Timmy, you know Uncle Michael loves you. 1100 00:52:05,121 --> 00:52:07,332 That lard ass only loves himself. 1101 00:52:07,415 --> 00:52:09,459 Did he come up with money for my operation? 1102 00:52:09,542 --> 00:52:11,044 Uh, well, uh... 1103 00:52:11,127 --> 00:52:14,047 Documentaries don't actually pay enough to, uh... 1104 00:52:14,130 --> 00:52:17,592 - [girl] Daddy! - Beckah. Hi, sweetheart. 1105 00:52:17,676 --> 00:52:21,680 I see that Michael "I'm gonna get you a cornea transplant" Malone 1106 00:52:21,763 --> 00:52:23,056 stiffed you again. 1107 00:52:23,139 --> 00:52:25,809 Uh, honey, he's doin' everything he can. 1108 00:52:25,850 --> 00:52:29,688 I bet he spent time in the cornea market at the Cannes Film Festival. 1109 00:52:29,771 --> 00:52:30,772 [Josh] Oh, good! 1110 00:52:30,855 --> 00:52:33,024 The boys have brought out Tiny Tina. 1111 00:52:33,108 --> 00:52:35,986 She's doing so much better on that new dialysis machine. 1112 00:52:36,069 --> 00:52:36,987 [Josh] Hey, kids! 1113 00:52:37,070 --> 00:52:40,615 I don't suppose Uncle Jerkwad has showed up with the kidney. 1114 00:52:40,699 --> 00:52:42,993 I'm running a little short on time here. 1115 00:52:44,953 --> 00:52:45,954 - Ow! - Aah! 1116 00:52:46,037 --> 00:52:47,580 - [Kids screaming] - Oh! Come on! 1117 00:52:47,664 --> 00:52:49,124 Now, can't we go on to some other awful place? 1118 00:52:49,124 --> 00:52:50,291 Now, can't we go on to some other awful place? 1119 00:52:50,375 --> 00:52:52,711 - Where the hell are we? - Kandahar, Afghanistan. 1120 00:52:52,794 --> 00:52:54,587 But there's a war going on here! 1121 00:52:54,671 --> 00:52:56,089 - [Patton] Since 9l11! - Down! 1122 00:52:57,972 --> 00:53:00,016 - Down! - They shouldn't be blindfolded. 1123 00:53:00,099 --> 00:53:02,811 - It's against the Geneva Convention. - They're the enemy. 1124 00:53:02,894 --> 00:53:06,314 - They're innocent till proven guilty. - Let me tell you something. 1125 00:53:06,397 --> 00:53:09,901 If they're on the battlefield and shooting at you, they're guilty! 1126 00:53:09,943 --> 00:53:11,653 [Malone] That's not the point. 1127 00:53:11,736 --> 00:53:13,905 There's no reason to blindfold prisoners. 1128 00:53:13,988 --> 00:53:16,741 Fine. Take 'em off. 1129 00:53:19,369 --> 00:53:21,871 [All] Michael Malone! Michael Malone! 1130 00:53:21,955 --> 00:53:24,082 [Prisoner] Die You American Pigs! 1131 00:53:24,124 --> 00:53:25,583 He's much fatter in person. 1132 00:53:25,667 --> 00:53:26,668 OK, OK. 1133 00:53:26,751 --> 00:53:30,046 Let's see how fat I look with one of these blindfolds back on. 1134 00:53:30,130 --> 00:53:31,089 - [Explosion] - Oh! 1135 00:53:31,172 --> 00:53:32,423 Aah aah aah! 1136 00:53:32,423 --> 00:53:35,176 [Soldiers]... for my God is with me wherever I go. 1137 00:53:35,260 --> 00:53:37,053 Have mercy upon me, O God, 1138 00:53:37,137 --> 00:53:39,389 for it is an unfailing love. 1139 00:53:39,472 --> 00:53:41,432 Praise be to the Lord, my rock, 1140 00:53:41,516 --> 00:53:44,352 who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle. 1141 00:53:44,435 --> 00:53:45,979 We're taking fire! 1142 00:53:54,446 --> 00:53:57,198 Aah! They're using real bullets! 1143 00:53:58,199 --> 00:54:00,201 Aah! Oh! 1144 00:54:00,285 --> 00:54:01,578 Oh! 1145 00:54:01,661 --> 00:54:03,288 [Groaning] 1146 00:54:07,667 --> 00:54:10,128 [Patton] Honestly, I've tried to show him, 1147 00:54:10,211 --> 00:54:12,881 but this one is just too bullheaded. 1148 00:54:12,964 --> 00:54:14,757 Father, please forgive me. 1149 00:54:14,799 --> 00:54:16,342 I have done my best. 1150 00:54:16,426 --> 00:54:19,179 This challenge was just too much. 1151 00:54:19,262 --> 00:54:22,223 I fear this battle is lost. 1152 00:54:24,309 --> 00:54:26,686 Oh, so now you're telling God? 1153 00:54:28,021 --> 00:54:29,439 Not that father. 1154 00:54:30,523 --> 00:54:33,485 You know, JFK was right. You are hopeless. 1155 00:54:34,486 --> 00:54:36,196 [Slap] 1156 00:54:38,907 --> 00:54:41,743 What?! Oh, George Washington. 1157 00:54:41,826 --> 00:54:45,371 Been dead for 200 years, not that that matters anymore. 1158 00:54:45,413 --> 00:54:48,166 It does matter, citizen Malone. 1159 00:54:48,249 --> 00:54:52,045 Nice costume. You here for the Halloween parade? 1160 00:54:53,713 --> 00:54:56,049 I'm here to talk to you about freedom. 1161 00:54:56,090 --> 00:54:59,385 - The greatest gift man has. - Freedom? 1162 00:54:59,469 --> 00:55:02,222 Very precarious gift, easily misused. 1163 00:55:02,305 --> 00:55:05,767 And when it is misused, easily lost. 1164 00:55:07,185 --> 00:55:09,354 Like freedom from pompous spirits. 1165 00:55:09,395 --> 00:55:11,773 Like freedom of speech, which you abuse. 1166 00:55:11,815 --> 00:55:13,191 Like freedom of religion. 1167 00:55:13,233 --> 00:55:16,402 This is St. Paul's Chapel, where I worshipped every Sunday... 1168 00:55:16,444 --> 00:55:19,239 - [yawning] ...when New York was the capital. 1169 00:55:19,906 --> 00:55:22,742 I sat right here on the morning of my inaugural 1170 00:55:22,826 --> 00:55:25,078 to pray for guidance in leading this nation. 1171 00:55:27,080 --> 00:55:30,250 If this place is so important, why don't they clean it? 1172 00:55:31,626 --> 00:55:34,295 - [Malone] It's full of... - Dust. 1173 00:55:36,422 --> 00:55:37,841 From across the street. 1174 00:55:41,052 --> 00:55:42,345 [Church bell tolling] 1175 00:55:42,387 --> 00:55:43,596 Oh, my God. 1176 00:55:43,638 --> 00:55:45,849 It was the World Trade Center, 1177 00:55:45,890 --> 00:55:49,894 and this is the dust of 3,000 innocent human beings 1178 00:55:49,978 --> 00:55:53,148 and the great heroes who perished trying to save them. 1179 00:55:53,231 --> 00:55:54,399 Why'd you bring me here? 1180 00:55:54,482 --> 00:55:56,109 I'm not responsible for this. 1181 00:55:56,151 --> 00:55:57,777 It was our foreign policy. 1182 00:55:57,861 --> 00:55:59,821 It's our military bases overseas. 1183 00:55:59,904 --> 00:56:02,031 It's globalization. It's the CIA! 1184 00:56:02,115 --> 00:56:04,409 Is that what you're gonna say on judgment day? 1185 00:56:04,451 --> 00:56:07,412 Well, I've already been judged, and I won an Oscar. 1186 00:56:07,495 --> 00:56:09,873 For a documentary. 1187 00:56:12,292 --> 00:56:17,172 When you meet the Almighty, Michael, I'm afraid that won't do. 1188 00:56:18,673 --> 00:56:22,177 Only the truth will do. 1189 00:56:22,218 --> 00:56:23,386 I gotta get out of here. 1190 00:56:24,846 --> 00:56:26,473 - [Clang] - Ooh! 1191 00:56:26,514 --> 00:56:28,266 Ow! 1192 00:56:28,349 --> 00:56:29,309 Ooh! 1193 00:56:29,392 --> 00:56:31,561 - [Clanging] - [Grunting] 1194 00:56:37,609 --> 00:56:39,486 No! No! 1195 00:56:39,569 --> 00:56:41,404 No! No! 1196 00:56:44,073 --> 00:56:45,033 Aah! 1197 00:56:45,116 --> 00:56:47,577 Don't hurt me! I've always stood up for gay rights. 1198 00:56:49,287 --> 00:56:51,831 I'm the Angel of freakin' Death, you turdhead. 1199 00:56:51,915 --> 00:56:56,294 Boy, you do not wanna mess with the Angel of Death. 1200 00:56:56,377 --> 00:56:59,923 Listen, punk, there are consequences for what you do. 1201 00:56:59,964 --> 00:57:01,508 Let's go. 1202 00:57:02,425 --> 00:57:04,093 Oh, good, another field trip. 1203 00:57:04,135 --> 00:57:07,430 Can we go someplace cool this time, like Paris or Hollywood? 1204 00:57:07,514 --> 00:57:09,015 Now, that's a good idea. 1205 00:57:09,098 --> 00:57:10,725 [Arabic music playing] 1206 00:57:10,809 --> 00:57:13,102 What's goin' on here? Where are we? 1207 00:57:13,186 --> 00:57:17,232 Hollywood, just like you wanted, only now it's called Bin Laden City. 1208 00:57:17,273 --> 00:57:18,483 Oh, my God. 1209 00:57:18,525 --> 00:57:20,860 They kept the buildings. Just changed the signs. 1210 00:57:20,944 --> 00:57:23,363 [Malone] Oh, no! This isn't happening! 1211 00:57:23,446 --> 00:57:25,907 We lost the war on terror. Nice work. 1212 00:57:25,990 --> 00:57:28,493 Great bunch of movies you made for the other side. 1213 00:57:29,536 --> 00:57:31,204 Oh, shit. 1214 00:57:31,246 --> 00:57:33,832 Yeah. Terrorists really appreciated your work. 1215 00:57:33,915 --> 00:57:38,169 Oh! Take me home. 1216 00:57:38,253 --> 00:57:39,754 My real home. 1217 00:57:39,838 --> 00:57:42,632 That's where we're goin'. Back to Michigan. 1218 00:57:44,592 --> 00:57:47,053 [Siren] 1219 00:57:47,137 --> 00:57:48,179 Ah, home. 1220 00:57:48,263 --> 00:57:49,472 [Distant gunfire] 1221 00:57:49,556 --> 00:57:50,557 Detroit! 1222 00:57:55,186 --> 00:57:56,646 [Man] This is all that's left? 1223 00:57:56,729 --> 00:57:59,774 Not much to work with, but if we put our heads together... 1224 00:57:59,816 --> 00:58:02,193 We'll never be able to identify this victim. 1225 00:58:02,235 --> 00:58:03,486 Why even bother? 1226 00:58:03,486 --> 00:58:04,904 I mean, it's one of 100,000. 1227 00:58:04,946 --> 00:58:07,407 What happened here? 100,000 people dead? 1228 00:58:07,449 --> 00:58:08,450 Listen. 1229 00:58:08,533 --> 00:58:11,828 The strange thing is the blast only killed a few hundred. 1230 00:58:11,911 --> 00:58:13,288 Radiation got the rest. 1231 00:58:13,371 --> 00:58:16,416 Nuclear attack on Detroit? 1232 00:58:16,499 --> 00:58:17,750 Oh, my God. 1233 00:58:17,834 --> 00:58:21,337 We found this in the wreckage of a television interview show. 1234 00:58:21,421 --> 00:58:22,964 Some big-ass celebrity. 1235 00:58:23,047 --> 00:58:24,591 [Woman] You got that right. 1236 00:58:24,632 --> 00:58:26,384 This was near it. 1237 00:58:28,511 --> 00:58:30,638 Hey, that's Michael Malone's cap. 1238 00:58:30,722 --> 00:58:32,223 That explains the fat ass. 1239 00:58:32,265 --> 00:58:33,266 Check this out. 1240 00:58:33,349 --> 00:58:35,768 There is no terrorist threat. 1241 00:58:35,810 --> 00:58:37,020 [Laughter] 1242 00:58:37,061 --> 00:58:38,938 Uh, yeah, yeah. I just forgot to sign 1243 00:58:38,980 --> 00:58:41,149 the please don't shoot my ass off agreement. 1244 00:58:41,232 --> 00:58:43,443 [Laughter] 1245 00:58:43,526 --> 00:58:45,487 Do I look more like Michael Malone now? 1246 00:58:45,570 --> 00:58:47,322 Hey, spank my know-it-all ass. 1247 00:58:49,824 --> 00:58:50,992 [Man 2] I know! 1248 00:58:51,075 --> 00:58:54,162 Least everyone will be happy now that I've been nuked! 1249 00:58:54,204 --> 00:58:55,705 [All laugh] 1250 00:58:56,122 --> 00:58:58,291 Don't let me die! And all those people! 1251 00:58:58,333 --> 00:59:00,418 I don't wanna die! Please, I don't wanna die! 1252 00:59:00,460 --> 00:59:02,337 [All] � Yankee doodle went to town 1253 00:59:02,420 --> 00:59:03,880 � Riding on a big ass 1254 00:59:03,963 --> 00:59:06,424 I don't wanna die! Please! I don't wanna die! 1255 00:59:06,508 --> 00:59:08,092 Please! I don't wanna die. 1256 00:59:08,134 --> 00:59:09,886 I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. 1257 00:59:09,928 --> 00:59:10,011 [Crying] I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. 1258 00:59:10,011 --> 00:59:13,014 [Crying] I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. 1259 00:59:15,642 --> 00:59:17,435 I didn't die. I'm alive! 1260 00:59:17,519 --> 00:59:19,145 I'm here at Madison Square Garden 1261 00:59:19,187 --> 00:59:22,732 where Moovealong. Org is holding their Anti-Fourth-of-July rally. 1262 00:59:22,774 --> 00:59:24,317 I didn't miss it! 1263 00:59:24,400 --> 00:59:26,194 It wasn't a nightmare! 1264 00:59:26,236 --> 00:59:28,988 Except for that creepy George Washington guy. 1265 00:59:29,072 --> 00:59:30,782 It's a beautiful day! 1266 00:59:30,824 --> 00:59:33,618 They're all waiting for their leader, Michael Malone. 1267 00:59:35,328 --> 00:59:37,539 That's right, Michael Malone. 1268 00:59:37,580 --> 00:59:38,957 I'm so f... 1269 00:59:39,040 --> 00:59:40,708 [knock on door] 1270 00:59:43,545 --> 00:59:44,879 Time to go. 1271 00:59:48,063 --> 00:59:49,439 I can't. I'm... sick. 1272 00:59:49,522 --> 00:59:51,274 Oh. You look terrible. 1273 00:59:51,316 --> 00:59:52,943 But you always look terrible. 1274 00:59:52,984 --> 00:59:55,737 Now come on. Millions of people are counting on you. 1275 00:59:55,820 --> 00:59:57,739 [Chanting] We love Michael Malone! 1276 00:59:57,781 --> 00:59:58,949 We love Michael Malone! 1277 00:59:59,032 --> 01:00:00,492 You gotta do the right thing. 1278 01:00:02,077 --> 01:00:03,703 Huh? 1279 01:00:03,787 --> 01:00:06,873 [Protesters] We don't care how! Leave now! We don't care how! 1280 01:00:06,957 --> 01:00:08,750 Leave now! We don't care how! 1281 01:00:08,833 --> 01:00:10,835 [Chant continues] 1282 01:00:16,967 --> 01:00:18,301 [Ahmed] Director Akbar! 1283 01:00:19,553 --> 01:00:22,639 Director Akbar, our all-access media passes, 1284 01:00:22,681 --> 01:00:24,057 you have them? 1285 01:00:24,140 --> 01:00:26,434 Oh, yeah, uh, enjoy the, uh, demonstration. 1286 01:00:26,476 --> 01:00:28,603 - Thank you. - Mr. Malone, Mr. Malone! 1287 01:00:28,645 --> 01:00:30,397 What is your message to the troops 1288 01:00:30,438 --> 01:00:32,691 who have come for the Fourth of July concert? 1289 01:00:32,774 --> 01:00:34,442 Uh... uh... uh... 1290 01:00:34,526 --> 01:00:35,944 [Heather] Give me that! 1291 01:00:36,027 --> 01:00:39,239 We're not gonna celebrate a country that sends soldiers to fight. 1292 01:00:39,322 --> 01:00:42,576 That's what Michael is here to say. Come on. Everyone's waiting. 1293 01:00:42,659 --> 01:00:44,661 Introduce Jimmy Carter and make a speech. 1294 01:00:44,744 --> 01:00:47,956 - [Chanting] Bring troops home! - Michael Malone will be here soon! 1295 01:00:48,039 --> 01:00:50,250 Feel free to just wander on up here. 1296 01:00:50,333 --> 01:00:52,502 And here's former President Jimmy Carter! 1297 01:00:52,586 --> 01:00:54,254 Israel is an apartheid state. 1298 01:00:54,337 --> 01:00:57,549 Uh, high taxes are good for you. 1299 01:00:57,632 --> 01:01:00,260 [Woman] And after him, Michael Malone is gonna be here! 1300 01:01:00,343 --> 01:01:02,178 Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom. 1301 01:01:09,352 --> 01:01:11,062 Aah! 1302 01:01:11,146 --> 01:01:13,857 What am I gonna do? They're gonna kill me! 1303 01:01:13,940 --> 01:01:15,317 - [Slap] - Aah! 1304 01:01:15,400 --> 01:01:17,569 You spineless bastard, act like a man. 1305 01:01:17,611 --> 01:01:20,071 Why'd you do that? I was gonna do something. 1306 01:01:20,155 --> 01:01:22,365 I just don't know what. Aah! 1307 01:01:22,407 --> 01:01:25,785 You can't sit here on the sidelines. It's time to take action. 1308 01:01:25,869 --> 01:01:28,163 I'm considering getting another hero. 1309 01:01:28,163 --> 01:01:29,164 Aah! 1310 01:01:29,247 --> 01:01:32,834 [Malone] Hey! What are you doin' here? You're not a spirit. 1311 01:01:32,876 --> 01:01:35,378 I know. I just enjoy slapping you. 1312 01:01:35,462 --> 01:01:36,922 - Aah! - Listen to yourself! 1313 01:01:37,005 --> 01:01:40,508 The time has come to forget about the consequences and show courage! 1314 01:01:40,592 --> 01:01:42,052 You know what courage is? 1315 01:01:42,135 --> 01:01:44,387 You mean, like the lion in The Wizard Of Oz? 1316 01:01:45,263 --> 01:01:47,098 I had a more heroic reference in mind, 1317 01:01:47,182 --> 01:01:49,601 but if The Wizard Of Oz works for you, well, OK. 1318 01:01:49,684 --> 01:01:53,521 You know, is it possible for me to get a little privacy in here? 1319 01:01:53,605 --> 01:01:56,191 We are facing the greatest evil since Nazism. 1320 01:01:56,233 --> 01:01:58,318 [Patton] What are you talking about? 1321 01:01:58,401 --> 01:02:01,154 To assure there will be no more war, I've taken the liberty 1322 01:02:01,196 --> 01:02:05,700 of arranging a formal surrender ceremony on the U.S.S. Missouri. 1323 01:02:17,587 --> 01:02:20,006 OK, stop! I'll do it. 1324 01:02:22,509 --> 01:02:23,927 Thank you, thank you. 1325 01:02:23,969 --> 01:02:26,972 [Carter] Oh, look, here he is now, 1326 01:02:27,055 --> 01:02:28,848 a true heavyweight of the movement, 1327 01:02:28,932 --> 01:02:31,560 our brother, Michael Malone! 1328 01:02:31,643 --> 01:02:33,937 Ah... whoo. 1329 01:02:33,979 --> 01:02:36,189 Ah, thank you. Thank you. 1330 01:02:36,273 --> 01:02:38,400 Uh, I know what you all think is important. 1331 01:02:39,901 --> 01:02:41,945 Government-run health care. 1332 01:02:42,904 --> 01:02:44,281 Global warming. 1333 01:02:45,782 --> 01:02:47,951 No handguns allowed in your home. 1334 01:02:50,161 --> 01:02:52,664 And these things are all vital. 1335 01:02:55,000 --> 01:02:58,128 But they all come second to the most important thing of all. 1336 01:02:58,169 --> 01:03:00,046 We're in a real war, people. 1337 01:03:00,088 --> 01:03:02,007 These terrorists want to kill us all, 1338 01:03:02,090 --> 01:03:04,342 and you're acting like it's September 10th. 1339 01:03:08,013 --> 01:03:09,139 Traitor! 1340 01:03:09,222 --> 01:03:10,640 [Crowd booing] 1341 01:03:18,148 --> 01:03:19,524 Where'd you get that?! 1342 01:03:19,566 --> 01:03:21,234 Aah! 1343 01:03:24,738 --> 01:03:26,072 Aah! 1344 01:03:26,114 --> 01:03:30,327 Hang on a second! Thanks, guys. Aah! 1345 01:03:30,410 --> 01:03:33,580 Oh, please! I don't blame you for wantin' to water-board me 1346 01:03:33,663 --> 01:03:35,624 in a secret CIA prison, but I've changed! 1347 01:03:35,707 --> 01:03:38,835 - We're trying to protect you. - Well, thank you for bein' here. 1348 01:03:38,919 --> 01:03:42,130 Don't thank us. Thank the recruiter that came to our campus. 1349 01:03:42,172 --> 01:03:44,090 What? You guys went to college? 1350 01:03:45,342 --> 01:03:50,972 [Announcer] And now, folks, give a big New York City welcome to... 1351 01:03:51,056 --> 01:03:52,974 ... Whiskey Falls! 1352 01:03:53,016 --> 01:03:55,101 [Fireworks exploding] 1353 01:03:55,185 --> 01:03:57,604 [� Whiskey Falls: Hellbilly] 1354 01:03:57,687 --> 01:03:58,897 Poor Aziz. 1355 01:03:58,939 --> 01:04:01,650 He was supposed to wait to detonate his bombs. 1356 01:04:01,691 --> 01:04:02,943 What a wanker. 1357 01:04:03,026 --> 01:04:05,403 Hey, let's get hot dogs and go see the show. 1358 01:04:07,405 --> 01:04:09,658 After we blow ourselves up. 1359 01:04:09,658 --> 01:04:12,994 After the bombs go off, I will personally kill you. 1360 01:04:13,036 --> 01:04:15,330 I can live with that. 1361 01:04:15,413 --> 01:04:17,290 [Song continues] 1362 01:04:24,047 --> 01:04:26,007 Hey! Hey, it's that Michael Malone! 1363 01:04:26,091 --> 01:04:27,509 Oh, hey! 1364 01:04:27,592 --> 01:04:29,928 This is for people who support our troops. 1365 01:04:29,970 --> 01:04:32,722 You hate country music. What are you doin' here? 1366 01:04:32,806 --> 01:04:34,099 I had no choice. 1367 01:04:34,182 --> 01:04:36,810 I was about to be beaten by peace marchers! 1368 01:04:38,061 --> 01:04:40,855 [Announcer] And now, on the birthday of our nation, 1369 01:04:40,939 --> 01:04:42,524 we're proud to introduce a man 1370 01:04:42,607 --> 01:04:45,485 who has entertained troops all over the world. 1371 01:04:45,569 --> 01:04:50,282 Please welcome country music superstar Trace Adkins! 1372 01:04:50,365 --> 01:04:51,825 [Cheering and applause] 1373 01:04:52,951 --> 01:04:55,078 The Angel of Death is headlining? 1374 01:04:55,161 --> 01:04:56,830 Hello, New York City! 1375 01:04:56,871 --> 01:04:58,874 [Ahmed and Mohammed] Director Akbar! 1376 01:04:58,957 --> 01:05:00,834 Director Akbar! Back here! 1377 01:05:00,917 --> 01:05:02,836 Shh! I'm gonna get killed. 1378 01:05:02,919 --> 01:05:04,212 I know. We all are. 1379 01:05:10,596 --> 01:05:13,974 We have to tell you something. Aziz is not an actor. 1380 01:05:14,057 --> 01:05:16,310 - He's not? - He's something else. 1381 01:05:16,393 --> 01:05:17,603 Think back. 1382 01:05:20,647 --> 01:05:23,483 You look like a terrorist. [Laughing] 1383 01:05:24,610 --> 01:05:26,862 You are going to blow up Madison Square Garden? 1384 01:05:26,945 --> 01:05:29,448 - [The Chicken Dance playing] - Bawk, bawk, bawk! 1385 01:05:29,531 --> 01:05:30,449 Bawk, bawk, bawk! 1386 01:05:32,826 --> 01:05:33,827 Bawk, bawk, bawk! 1387 01:05:34,328 --> 01:05:38,415 Wait! So you're saying he's a terrorist? 1388 01:05:39,791 --> 01:05:42,502 - And that would make you... - [both] Filmmakers. 1389 01:05:42,586 --> 01:05:43,837 Right! 1390 01:05:43,921 --> 01:05:46,965 The "film" is set to go off at 7:00. 1391 01:05:52,930 --> 01:05:54,139 We have to stop him. 1392 01:05:54,181 --> 01:05:56,141 We'll never find him in this crowd. 1393 01:05:57,267 --> 01:06:01,104 There's only one place I can see everything. The stage. 1394 01:06:01,188 --> 01:06:02,231 They hate you. 1395 01:06:02,314 --> 01:06:04,191 They hated Stalin, too. 1396 01:06:04,274 --> 01:06:05,901 Look for him out in the house. 1397 01:06:05,984 --> 01:06:08,111 - Stalin? - The mentor of Oprah. 1398 01:06:08,195 --> 01:06:09,988 [Adkins] I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. 1399 01:06:10,405 --> 01:06:12,658 So come on, let's not waste any more time. 1400 01:06:12,741 --> 01:06:13,742 Let me hear you. 1401 01:06:13,825 --> 01:06:15,869 [Man] Hey, Malone, get off the stage! 1402 01:06:15,953 --> 01:06:19,039 - [Booing] - [Man 2] Get off the stage! 1403 01:06:19,122 --> 01:06:21,583 - [Man 3] What's he doin' here! - Well, uh... 1404 01:06:21,667 --> 01:06:24,711 - [man] What are you doin' here?! - [Malone] Damn it, where is he? 1405 01:06:24,753 --> 01:06:28,048 Uh, you probably all hate me, and I don't blame you. 1406 01:06:28,131 --> 01:06:29,675 I said a lot of bad things. 1407 01:06:29,758 --> 01:06:32,886 Uh, over the last few days, I learned a lot of lessons. 1408 01:06:32,928 --> 01:06:35,764 And now I know that terrorism is not our fault! 1409 01:06:35,806 --> 01:06:37,057 [Crowd cheering] 1410 01:06:37,140 --> 01:06:39,393 [Malone] He's got to be out there somewhere. 1411 01:06:39,476 --> 01:06:43,981 And that, uh, we may not be perfect, but we're the good guys! 1412 01:06:44,064 --> 01:06:45,065 [Crowd] Yeah! 1413 01:06:45,148 --> 01:06:48,902 I'm sorry about what I said about country music, NASCAR, and Americans. 1414 01:06:48,986 --> 01:06:51,780 - If you want to listen to dumb songs - [crowd booing] 1415 01:06:51,822 --> 01:06:53,448 About cowboys and trucks 1416 01:06:53,490 --> 01:06:55,993 and watch cars endlessly go around in circles. 1417 01:06:56,076 --> 01:06:58,704 Hey, what... Hey, this is the United States of America! 1418 01:06:58,787 --> 01:07:00,914 We're free to do what we want! 1419 01:07:00,956 --> 01:07:04,251 So if those of you who agree with me 1420 01:07:04,334 --> 01:07:07,004 that America should be destroyed, stand up now! 1421 01:07:08,881 --> 01:07:11,800 Yes! Die, you American pigs! 1422 01:07:11,884 --> 01:07:13,218 [Crowd] What?! 1423 01:07:13,260 --> 01:07:15,345 There he is! The terrorist! Get him! 1424 01:07:17,598 --> 01:07:19,099 We'll get him, director Akbar! 1425 01:07:21,018 --> 01:07:22,686 [Malone] Get him! Get him! 1426 01:07:37,713 --> 01:07:40,048 - Aziz, don't do it! - Allahu Akbar. 1427 01:07:40,132 --> 01:07:41,174 - Wait! - Wait! 1428 01:07:41,216 --> 01:07:43,260 [Timer beeping] 1429 01:07:43,343 --> 01:07:44,303 - Oh! - Oh! 1430 01:07:44,386 --> 01:07:46,263 OK, now we must disarm the bomb. 1431 01:07:46,346 --> 01:07:48,473 Then it's a good thing we're alert. 1432 01:07:51,184 --> 01:07:53,645 - The red one! - Which one's red? I'm color blind. 1433 01:07:53,687 --> 01:07:55,147 [Ahmed] We don't have time. 1434 01:07:55,230 --> 01:07:57,649 [Mohammed] I've never done this in a restroom. 1435 01:07:57,733 --> 01:08:00,777 Don't worry about it. Just relax and pull it gently. 1436 01:08:00,861 --> 01:08:01,945 - Like that? - Ooh! 1437 01:08:02,029 --> 01:08:02,988 Ooh! 1438 01:08:03,071 --> 01:08:04,156 Sailors. 1439 01:08:07,284 --> 01:08:10,370 [Mohammed] Not that one! Don't pull that one! 1440 01:08:10,454 --> 01:08:12,664 [Ahmed] Push harder! Put it in here. 1441 01:08:12,748 --> 01:08:13,707 Oh! 1442 01:08:13,790 --> 01:08:15,459 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! He's waking up! 1443 01:08:15,542 --> 01:08:16,877 Do something! 1444 01:08:17,961 --> 01:08:18,920 - Huh? - Look! 1445 01:08:19,004 --> 01:08:20,547 Aah ha ha ha! 1446 01:08:20,631 --> 01:08:23,717 - [Ahmed] That was amazing. - [Mohammed] You're incredible. 1447 01:08:23,759 --> 01:08:24,760 Marines. 1448 01:08:37,272 --> 01:08:39,358 [Ahmed] Director Akbar! Director Akbar! 1449 01:08:39,399 --> 01:08:41,610 - Look! Look! - [Timer resumes beeping] 1450 01:08:41,693 --> 01:08:42,986 - Ooh! - [Timer stops] 1451 01:08:43,070 --> 01:08:45,238 [Crowd cheering] 1452 01:08:47,616 --> 01:08:49,493 Got anything else to say, son? 1453 01:08:49,618 --> 01:08:53,497 Yeah! How about you rednecks Play some of that awful country music! 1454 01:08:53,580 --> 01:08:56,041 [Band playing] 1455 01:08:57,751 --> 01:08:59,670 Welcome to the real America. 1456 01:09:00,921 --> 01:09:03,715 You know, you look much slimmer in person. 1457 01:09:06,677 --> 01:09:10,013 � This is the greatest country in the whole wide world 1458 01:09:10,097 --> 01:09:12,933 � The fastest horses The prettiest girls 1459 01:09:13,016 --> 01:09:16,269 � We got the Army, the Navy, Air Force, and Marines 1460 01:09:16,311 --> 01:09:19,231 � The finest fightin' force the world's ever seen 1461 01:09:19,314 --> 01:09:22,442 � We're the kind of people that get things done 1462 01:09:22,484 --> 01:09:24,111 � No doubt about it, folks 1463 01:09:24,194 --> 01:09:25,696 � We're still number one 1464 01:09:25,779 --> 01:09:26,780 � We got the nerve 1465 01:09:26,822 --> 01:09:27,781 � We got the nerve 1466 01:09:27,864 --> 01:09:28,824 � We got the will 1467 01:09:28,907 --> 01:09:29,825 � We got the will 1468 01:09:29,908 --> 01:09:30,909 � We are all together 1469 01:09:30,993 --> 01:09:34,663 � And you know that we are still America 1470 01:09:34,746 --> 01:09:38,208 � Yeah, I know the sun is risin' on a better day 1471 01:09:38,292 --> 01:09:39,751 � America, America 1472 01:09:39,793 --> 01:09:42,879 [music fades to fifes playing] 1473 01:09:51,263 --> 01:09:53,390 � America, America 1474 01:09:53,473 --> 01:09:58,186 � Yeah, I believe in you 1475 01:09:58,228 --> 01:10:01,064 New York City! 1476 01:10:01,148 --> 01:10:02,232 Whoo! 1477 01:10:02,316 --> 01:10:03,317 There is mosh pit? 1478 01:10:03,400 --> 01:10:05,235 Not in country music. 1479 01:10:05,277 --> 01:10:06,570 Aah! Oh! 1480 01:10:07,529 --> 01:10:09,406 Oh! 1481 01:10:09,489 --> 01:10:12,284 � America, America 1482 01:10:12,326 --> 01:10:14,828 � Ooh, ooh... � 1483 01:10:14,911 --> 01:10:16,038 Josh. 1484 01:10:31,928 --> 01:10:32,971 Josh! Josh! 1485 01:10:33,055 --> 01:10:34,222 Huh? 1486 01:10:36,224 --> 01:10:37,309 Josh, Josh! 1487 01:10:38,810 --> 01:10:39,978 Josh, Josh! 1488 01:10:40,062 --> 01:10:41,021 Carry on. 1489 01:10:41,104 --> 01:10:43,315 [Timmy] Daddy, look who's here. 1490 01:10:43,357 --> 01:10:46,234 - Uncle Asshole! - Josh! 1491 01:10:46,318 --> 01:10:47,611 Josh! 1492 01:10:55,827 --> 01:10:58,705 Can you forgive your stupid uncle for being too blind to see 1493 01:10:58,789 --> 01:11:01,208 what's been right in front of him this whole time? 1494 01:11:01,249 --> 01:11:03,251 Oh, nice! Blind jokes! 1495 01:11:03,293 --> 01:11:05,712 Uncle Michael, it's OK. 1496 01:11:05,796 --> 01:11:09,341 Well, I just want you to know that I care about you, and... 1497 01:11:09,383 --> 01:11:11,009 ...l'm proud of what you're doin'. 1498 01:11:11,051 --> 01:11:15,806 I always knew that, Uncle Michael. I always knew it. 1499 01:11:16,765 --> 01:11:18,684 Well, now you take care of yourself, 1500 01:11:18,767 --> 01:11:21,561 'cause there's a lot of bad people out there. 1501 01:11:21,645 --> 01:11:25,565 It's OK. As long as there's a lot of good people here. 1502 01:11:27,943 --> 01:11:29,736 If there's anything I can do... 1503 01:11:30,779 --> 01:11:32,656 Maybe I can send some DVDs of my movies. 1504 01:11:32,739 --> 01:11:34,032 That's all right. 1505 01:11:34,116 --> 01:11:36,952 We captured a lot of them when we took Saddam's palace. 1506 01:11:38,203 --> 01:11:40,831 Besides, I think most of the guys prefer features. 1507 01:11:42,374 --> 01:11:44,293 But I'd really appreciate it 1508 01:11:44,334 --> 01:11:47,254 if you could check in on Lily and the kids while I'm gone. 1509 01:11:47,337 --> 01:11:49,131 Yeah, I will. No problem. 1510 01:11:50,507 --> 01:11:52,175 You've made Josh so happy. 1511 01:11:52,259 --> 01:11:54,553 - Thanks, Jilly. - Lily. 1512 01:11:57,723 --> 01:11:59,599 Welcome to the fight, Uncle Michael. 1513 01:11:59,641 --> 01:12:01,560 This time I know our side will win. 1514 01:12:32,924 --> 01:12:34,801 - Ow! - Ow! 1515 01:12:34,843 --> 01:12:37,554 Aah! 1516 01:12:37,596 --> 01:12:38,639 Aah! 1517 01:12:38,680 --> 01:12:39,640 Aah! 1518 01:12:39,723 --> 01:12:41,016 [Muffled screams] 1519 01:12:41,099 --> 01:12:42,768 Ow! 1520 01:12:42,851 --> 01:12:44,853 - [Boy] Help! - [Gasps] 1521 01:12:44,936 --> 01:12:46,521 Aah! 1522 01:12:46,563 --> 01:12:48,357 Aah! 1523 01:12:48,440 --> 01:12:49,399 Don't worry, Josh! 1524 01:12:49,483 --> 01:12:51,610 - [Screams] - I'll take care of the family! 1525 01:13:00,077 --> 01:13:01,453 Thought I'd find you here. 1526 01:13:02,829 --> 01:13:06,625 He's a good kid. Persian Gulf, volunteered. 1527 01:13:06,708 --> 01:13:09,461 I feel so useless. What can I do? 1528 01:13:09,503 --> 01:13:11,171 Well, you could start by being 1529 01:13:11,254 --> 01:13:14,257 as big a pain in the ass to the terrorists as you've been to us. 1530 01:13:14,341 --> 01:13:16,969 Like makin' a movie of the good things about America. 1531 01:13:17,052 --> 01:13:19,096 In Hollywood? Fat chance. 1532 01:13:19,179 --> 01:13:20,681 Sorry for bein' such a jerk. 1533 01:13:20,764 --> 01:13:22,808 Sorry I made you listen to country music. 1534 01:13:22,849 --> 01:13:23,850 Ah, forget it. 1535 01:13:23,934 --> 01:13:25,477 Hey, you want to grab a sandwich? 1536 01:13:25,560 --> 01:13:28,188 I'd love to. Used to get a good pastrami in Manhattan. 1537 01:13:28,272 --> 01:13:31,525 Before you got t-boned by that car. It was a spinal injury, right? 1538 01:13:31,608 --> 01:13:33,902 [Patton] Tough day. Didn't see that comin'. 1539 01:13:33,944 --> 01:13:36,488 [Malone] What do you think about stem cell research? 1540 01:13:36,571 --> 01:13:39,283 [Patton] Let's not go there. A broken neck is a broken neck... 1541 01:13:39,324 --> 01:13:42,244 [Grandpa] From then on, he always remembered to celebrate 1542 01:13:42,327 --> 01:13:43,704 the Fourth of July, 1543 01:13:43,787 --> 01:13:46,123 and he did what he could to help out the soldiers. 1544 01:13:46,206 --> 01:13:48,458 But most important, he devoted himself 1545 01:13:48,542 --> 01:13:50,669 to spreading a message of his hero. 1546 01:13:51,386 --> 01:13:52,838 My fellow Americans, 1547 01:13:52,921 --> 01:13:55,882 ask not what your country can do for you, 1548 01:13:55,966 --> 01:13:59,469 but rather, ask, uh... Uh... line! 1549 01:13:59,553 --> 01:14:02,472 You know, I don't think JFK would say this like that. 1550 01:14:02,514 --> 01:14:06,143 - It's become such a... - "What you can do for your country!" 1551 01:14:06,226 --> 01:14:09,521 Oh, cut! What are we gonna do? 1552 01:14:09,605 --> 01:14:12,107 Fire his ass. 1553 01:14:12,149 --> 01:14:13,775 That's my boy. 1554 01:14:13,859 --> 01:14:15,110 God bless us, everyone. 1555 01:14:15,152 --> 01:14:17,404 [Malone and Timmy] And God bless America! 1556 01:14:17,446 --> 01:14:20,490 [Grandpa] And it turned out people actually wanted to see movies 1557 01:14:20,574 --> 01:14:22,576 that showed good things about America. 1558 01:14:22,659 --> 01:14:25,162 - [girl] Grandpa! - Oh, Grandpa, come on. 1559 01:14:25,245 --> 01:14:28,582 Hey. It's just a story. 1560 01:14:29,708 --> 01:14:31,335 [Kennedy] My fellow Americans, 1561 01:14:31,418 --> 01:14:33,712 ask not what your country can do for you, 1562 01:14:33,754 --> 01:14:36,882 but rather ask what you can do for your country. 1563 01:14:37,633 --> 01:14:39,009 [Malone] Cut! Print! 1564 01:14:39,092 --> 01:14:41,345 [� Trace Adkins: America I Believe In You] 1565 01:15:55,961 --> 01:15:57,838 [� Whiskey Falls: Hellbilly] 121027