Original subtitles

MALCOLM: Help me get her in the car, Ray!

RAY: Okay, but this bitch heavy as hell, cuz!

MALCOLM: Nigga, get your hands off her ass!

RAY: Let me finger gangbang her at least, homie!

MALCOLM: Just help me get her to the hospital !

RAY: Okay, one finger then ! MALCOLM: Ray!

(ENGlNE STARTS)

RAY: All right, but we ain't goin' inside, homie.

We gonna go around the emergency loop,

roll her ass out like we do all the homies

that get shot in the hood, homie.

Why you snuff her fine ass anyway, homie? l wanted to bone, cuz.

She was possessed, Ray! Possessed?

Possessed like head spinnin' around

vomitin' everywhere, possessed?

Or like possessed like Kanye

when you take a picture of him?

Just drive like you got warrants, please!

Nigga, l do got warrants!

Look! These right here! Jaywalkin'!

For eating grapes in the grocery store without payin' for 'em !

Shavin' my dog's balls in public.

Drivin' with my hands off the wheel, cuz.

l be ghost-ridin' my whip, cuz.

l like doin' that shit, homie.

An altercation with my moms, homie, but she provoked me, cuz!

Ray-Ray, l think she's waking. All right, here! Take this

and pistol-whip her with the butt of the gun.

l'm not pistol-whippin' my girlfriend !

All right, nigga, well, you drive and l'll pistol-whip that bitch !

(GROWLS) (GROANlNG)

Kisha, resist!

(lN DEMONlC VOlCE) But you didn't!

l've seen you for the bitch that you are, Malcolm. (SHUSHlNG)

What's she talkin' about, homie? Booty pirates!

Nothing, she's possessed, man. That's right, you fucker!

He's a Ghostbuster!

That sound real suspect back there, homie.

Was you in juvie, cuz?

lf you don't cry, you ain't no bitch in there, homie.

l didn't cry. Doodles on they dick. Joke's on them, cuz.

By the powers vested to me,

that somebody gave me while I was locked up...

Who are you? lt's Father Williams, homie.

She do a mean impression of that nigga, cuz.

l do a mean impression of The Butler. Check it.

"l'm here for the boss. l'm here to serve the boss."

Who are you? l'm Forest Whitaker, homie.

From the movie that's like The Help,

but he didn't doo-doo in the pie, homie.

Ray, l'm not talkin' to you ! l'm talkin' to Kisha.

(GROANS) Ray!

Are you gonna let that bitch choke you out, cuz?

You a bitch, homie. . . (GROWLlNG)

Get the fuck off me!

(PANTlNG) Kisha! Kisha!

Oh, shit, she breathed in my face, homie.

l'll get the bird flu, it's contagious. . .

She blacked out, Ray.

Hurry, we don't have much time!

Get us to the hospital. Hurry! (SEATBELT WARNlNG BEEPlNG)

Ray? Ray? (ACCELERATlNG)

(HORN BLARlNG) Oh, shit!

(SCREAMlNG) (CRASHlNG)

Oh, my God ! Kisha? Kisha!

Ray?

(SOBBlNG) Ray!

(SCREAMS)

lt's a good thing l drank that Hennessy earlier.

l can't feel shit, homie!

l think Kisha's dead.

Good ! Let's get the fuck outta here, homie!

Listen. We were never here.

l'm with you, cuz. All right. Deuces!

We ghost hunters!

(ELECTRlClTY CRACKLlNG)

MALCOLM: l don't know about this place, baby.

MEGAN: You've said that about every house we looked at.

There's just something creepy about this place, like. . .

Give me the heebie-jeebies. . .

Like somethin' bad happened in here.

Well, l love it. And l love you.

There you go, bribin' me with vagina. Whatever works.

Know when l'm weak.

Disgusting.

Oh, it's disgusting when we do it,

but when you kissing the whole entire sophomore class,

it's cool, huh?

Give me that damn camera, you little gnat!

Oh, finger. Real creative. Wow.

MEGAN: Cut her some slack.

She's just goin' through a phase.

MALCOLM: Yeah, a phase. lt's called "whore."

Look at that. Last a lifetime. Malcolm, stop!

MALCOLM: No, see, that's a phase.

MEGAN: Looks like he met an imaginary friend.

lt's normal.

What you doin' there, buddy?

Want to help me load some boxes?

Cool ! All right. My man !

(GRUNTlNG) Sorry, Malcolm. l can't.

MALCOLM: Why not?

Tony says, "Aw, hell no! l ain't yo' slave!"

ls it me or does his imaginary friend sound black?

Pretty progressive.

MEGAN: Why don't you and your friend go play?

Okay.

That game sounds like fun !

(GROANS) MALCOLM: Oh !

l don't like the tripping game, Tony.

Look at all that sexy. Come here. Give me a kiss.

Let's piss off your forefathers.

(CHUCKLES)

Malcolm, it's 201 3. lnterracial relationships are not a big deal anymore.

Yeah, you tell that to the sistas.

(BOTH CHUCKLlNG)

You know, they be like, "l know he didn't!"

"He did not kiss that pasty ass white bitch !" Pasty?

"Yes! Not with them old thin ass lips.

"Look at them, look like baloney slices!"

"Uh-uh. See he straight scrippin'

"and it don't make no damn sense."

(DOG BARKlNG) Come here, Shiloh Junior.

There's my baby boy.

MEGAN: (CHUCKLES) l still can't believe

you named our dog Shiloh Junior.

Well, l was gonna name him Shiloh Two or Shiloh the Sequel,

but he wouldn't answer to those, so, Shiloh Junior it is.

C'mon ! Hey, come on, Shiloh Junior.

Hey, babe, are you gettin' this?

MEGAN: l really don't understand

your obsession with all these cameras.

Hey, you can never have too many cameras, okay?

Hey, Shiloh ! Come on, baby. (DOG WHlMPERlNG)

You ready to go see your new house, Shiloh Junior?

Come on, Shiloh Junior. Shiloh Junior! Hey, get inside.

Don't make me put bass in my voice.

Hey! Shiloh ! (BARKlNG)

God, l don't know what's wrong with him.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, fucking. . .

Oh, shit! Oh, breathe!

Come on, Shiloh ! Don't go towards the light!

Call 9-1 -1 .

Tell 'em the dog is white! Tell 'em the dog is white!

Oh, God. l got a pulse.

Breathe! Shiloh, like this. (PANTlNG)

(STRAlNlNG)

(BACK CRACKS)

Fuck! Oh, my back! Oh, my fuckin' back!

Please, help me!

(STRAlNlNG)

(SCREAMlNG)

My fuckin' dog is a pancake!

(BLOWlNG)

Get me a goddamn pump!

(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)

lt's working ! Come on !

(CHUCKLlNG)

(SCREAMlNG)

Meet me at the hospital !

The hospital's that way!

MALCOLM: So young, never had a chance to lick his balls.

l'm okay. l'm fine. l'm good.

You know, l'm just so happy l got to spend time with. . .

lt's just every time l try and say the name. . . (SOBS)

(PANTlNG)

(BREATHlNG DEEPLY)

(SOBBlNG) Shiloh !

Oh, God, it hurts! Oh, God !

lt's tingly in. . .

(SCREAMlNG) Oh, God !

l'm goin' with you ! Oh, God ! lt's time to go bye-bye.

(SCREAMlNG) Shiloh !

Junior. (SPlTS)

Hey.

l bet you could put a whole lot of birth control in that.

l really hate you.

That's what your daddy said. That's why the nigga gone.

What've you got there?

Just an old box that l found in the basement.

Don't you think we should return it to the prior owners?

lf they wanted it, they would've taken it

in the first place. Ooh. (SlGHS)

Okay, look, Becky, l'm not your dad.

l'm just the guy that's like. . . Your mom.

So l'll make you a deal. l'll let you keep the box

if you promise to try and make this work between me and you, okay?

lt's for your mom. Fine.

l think we're gettin' somewhere.

(LAWNMOWER WHlRRlNG) (SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

l'm just messin' with you, bro.

Oh, shit! (BOTH LAUGHlNG)

l just do that when l'm talkin' to negritos. lt's all good.

Did he just call me a nigger? What's goin' on, bro?

l just moved in with my girl right here

and we was just wonderin' MEGAN: Hi.

maybe if you want to add us to your route?

Are you serious? Dude, l live here, puto! lt's my house!

Oh, shit! l'm sorry. MEGAN: Oh, my God.

l just assumed. . . You got the gloves and the hat,

and the lawnmower and the truck.

Oh, 'cause l'm Mexican l must be Jose! Are you?

No, fool ! My name is Miguel !

ls that your truck?

Yeah, that's my truck! MALCOLM: Then who's Jose?

That's my middle name. You wanna guess my last name?

No, no, no. Oh, come on.

You guys are here, you might as well.

l don't know. Rodriguez?

That's racist, bro.

You asked. . . Did he ask me or what?

(LAUGHlNG) l'm just fuckin' with you !

For the record, my name is Miguel Jose Jesus Gonzalez. . .

Smith.

Wait, wait, wait. MEGAN: What?

Your last name is Smith?

Yeah, l'm Mexican on my mom's side.

So, why is there Gonzalez on your truck?

Shit, would you trust your garden to a guy named Smith?

True. True. Huh?

Hey, my name is Malcolm, bro. (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

l bet your last name is Johnson.

See, that's some racist shit!

Am l right? But you're right!

Nice to meet you, man. Yeah, it's a pleasure meeting you !

MEGAN: Nice to meet you. Tuesdays. l can cut your grass on Tuesdays.

What can l say, l'm a gardener by ethnic default.

(LAUGHlNG)

Be good, negrito!

(MACHlNE STARTS) Watch out, güera! (LAUGHlNG)

MALCOLM: Hey. What?

You gon' try and tease a brother?

That's an invite?

Come here, let's do the quickie.

One, two, (GRUNTS) l'm done.

What's that? What?

Oh ! That's Abigail. Ew.

l found her in the wardrobe that was left here.

Yeah, well, put it back.

Hey, stop! She's creepy!

We look alike. Yeah, same eyes and pigtails.

Wait, no, no, don't put it on the bed !

(PANTlNG)

Hey.

How you doin'?

You ain't gonna say nothin', huh?

(CHUCKLES) Girl, you stupid.

You don't want none of this? Come here.

Oh, l can't play with it but you can.

You gonna bite my lip? Take that!

You fuckin' like this!

Uh-huh. lt was gonna come.

(CHUCKLlNG) lt was gonna come!

(MOANlNG)

Just wanna put the tip in. l'm gonna put the tip in. . .

Ah ! Ahh ! Ahh !

(GROANlNG)

Look at that. Mmm. Uh-huh.

Mmm, yeah.

You got that goody. Bite the pillow, bite that fuckin' pillow.

(MOANlNG)

(SLURPlNG)

You gonna eat my butt now. Oh, shit!

(LAUGHlNG) Nigga, she. . . She lickin' that.

You taste like doo-doo. But l love it!

You on the pill? l don't want to get you pregnant.

You wanna make little doll babies?

They gonna have my eyes with your eyes. . .

Oh, you gonna give me splinters!

(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)

(GRUNTlNG)

Fuck this shit. l wanna cry! lt feels so. . .

(SCREAMlNG)

(GASPlNG)

Don't look. Don't look. Hold on a second.

This side is wet with soap, this one is dry.

l'll clean you up, baby.

l mighta leaked in you. l don't know if l came, l leaked a little bit.

That's all right. You ain't even ovulatin'.

Why you trippin'? Come on, stop worrying.

(SNORlNG)

MEGAN: Honey, we're home! Oh, shit! You gotta go!

Shit! No! MEGAN: Malcolm !

Hi, honey! Um. . .

MEGAN: Hey, where are you? (PANTlNG)

You gotta go! We. . . l'm just upstairs!

You gotta get outta here.

(BlRDS CHlRPlNG)

Fuck!

Ah ! Shit!

(ELECTRlClTY CRACKLES) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHlNG)

Mmm.

"Hanging out."

Sounds a little soft for my taste, but. . . Fuck it.

Yeah, l don't think this is right.

Maybe l should download the manual.

(lNAUDlBLE)

(GRUNTS)

What the...

(GROWLlNG)

Great. Get up here.

(STRAlNlNG)

(EXCLAlMS lN PAlN)

(GROANS)

Can't breathe. Can't breathe.

Cut the camera. Turn the camera off.

(GASPS) Wow.

l seen some shit, but that was. . . That was crazy!

A demonic figure tried to hang a family in the backyard.

I gotta keep this from Megan and the kids.

Is it weird that I was aroused by this?

Why is my dick bending in my Jeans?

(TELEPHONE RlNGlNG)

Hello? Hello? (GlRL SlNGlNG FAlNTLY)

Twinkle, twinkle little star

Who is this? Hello!

It's a nigger.

MALCOLM: Oh, that's a ugly motherfucker.

ls that Steven Tyler?

(SlGHS)

What the hell? Same tree!

(GROWLS) (SCREAMS)

Shit! Kisha?

(BOTH SCREAMlNG)

Megan, what you doing? l almost dumped the fuck out you !

You got to holler at me! You can't just be walkin' up.

You gotta give me like a "whoop-ti-whoo," a "kakow!" or a "tsh-tsh"!

Just make your own up. Please announce yourself!

Honey, you look like you've seen a ghost.

l think l did.

Wait. So now l look like a ghost.

Excuse me, where you goin' with this?

So now l'm too pasty for you?

Malcolm, l can't do anything about that! What do you mean?

Unless you want me to get skin cancer from the sun.

And deep nasty wrinkles, and then they'll have to give me chemo

and l'll lose all my hair, and then l'll look like a nasty bald raisin !

ls that what you want? ls that what you want?

No! l don't want you to look like a raisin !

l don't like the raisin ! l don't like to date raisins!

l don't like the raisins on Morgan Freeman's face!

l just don't like raisins.

l don't like the new ones that Obama got,

the young raisins on his face!

l don't like raisins.

So please, don't look like a raisin.

l need to go meditate and get my chi back in alignment.

What chi? You were just. . .

(SlGHS)

Ah ! Ahh !

Walk to the light! lt's bedtime.

What you all dressed up for?

We goin' to a club? Mmm-mmm.

Foam party? No.

We goin' to a pajama jammy jam? Just bed.

Come on, Megan.

You gotta be more comfortable with this relationship. . .

You're right. Put on some sweat pants and some. . .

Oh, my Jesus Lord ! Um, you're naked !

l am. Oh, wow.

l like being naked, though. l could be naked all day.

All day? But come on, that's not practical, hon.

You got a job.

You don't wanna be on the bus naked or in Starbucks naked.

Why not? 'Cause that coffee spill on you, it's hot!

lt's gonna leave a scar.

Melt one of your nipples off or somethin'.

Hey, hey, hey.

The camera's on, baby.

Good. Just make sure you film my good side.

What the fuck? Are you serious?

We gonna get all angles on that. . . Oh, shit.

Baby, your creepy doll is makin' my dick scared.

Just let her watch.

You just said the right type of nasty shit!

(TAPE FASTFORWARDlNG)

(PANTlNG) Oh, God ! l gotta replenish my fluids.

After round two.

(TAPE FASTFORWARDlNG)

(PANTlNG) Whoo! Ah ! Whoo!

That was wild. MEGAN: Come on, Malcolm.

(PANTlNG) What, aren't you done yet?

(MEGAN MOANlNG)

l am now. Ready for round three? Seriously. . .

(TAPE FASTFORWARDlNG)

(PANTlNG)

(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

Oh, my God !

Baby, you gotta train for some shit like this!

Come on, Malcolm, bell's ringing.

Time for round four.

No, no, baby. My ding-ding is knocked out cold.

l can't do it.

Corner's throwin' in the towel !

Let's go, Malcolm.

l gotta get some Enswell if we keep goin'!

Malcolm. Wait, no, baby!

(SCREAMlNG)

Right now she is tearin' me up!

(MEGAN MOANlNG) Oh, my God !

Aw!

Want me to choke you? (CHOKlNG)

ls that what you like? Huh? Huh?

Stop being a bitch ! (GROANS)

Yeah ! Come on !

Oh ! You want some of this? (LAUGHlNG EVlLLY)

You like that? lt's kind of like a blindfold

except you can't fuckin' breathe! Huh? Are you crying?

That thing just moved !

MEGAN: Except you can't fuckin' breathe!

Thing was watching !

You little. . . Who was watching?

Oh, baby, come here. Check this out!

Oh, my God !

Did you see it?

How could l not? l thought l was trippin'!

l am so fat! Look at me!

l look like a huge blubber ass!

l'm like Miss Piggy in there!

What're you talking about?

You said you were gonna shoot my good side.

l did shoot your good side.

Look, l got all that ass up in. . .

Look at all that ass, girl.

l'm black, brothers like an ass.

You know l do mean that as a compliment, right?

l see what's going on.

You hate my vagina! You think it's too loose!

lt's not! lt's only on the outside,

but once you choose a wall, it's pretty damn tight.

You know what, Malcolm, l have had two kids!

l mean, do you think the stork just dropped 'em off

on the doorstep?

No! You're knocked up for nine months

and then your lady parts are stretched to limits

you cannot even fathom !

Okay, baby. l think your vagina's cute.

Erase the tape or we are never having sex again.

Well, since you put it that way. Erase the tape!

Okay, l'm erasin' the tape! l want to see you do it.

l'm erasing the tape. l'm erasing it. Erase it right now! Do it!

lt's erasing. Baby, l like the way it sounds. Erase the tape!

lt's not loose! l like the way it sounds!

Sound like a blown speaker. Just. . .

(BLOWlNG RASPBERRY)

You know, it's kinda like Doug E. Fresh's beatbox.

When l'm hittin' it. lt's just. . . (BEAT BOXlNG)

Mmm. . . (MESSAGE DlNGS)

Who the hell's hittin' me? Abigail? (GASPS)

You got a page?

"ln a relationship with Malcolm Johnson"?

l only hit it once! 27,000 views? (CELL PHONE BUZZlNG)

What in the hell?

(GASPS)

l think l might've fucked the wrong bitch.

Now she's blowin' up my cell phone? Look at that.

Straight up stalker! She's crazy!

Listen, it's time to turn my camera game up a level.

l'm talkin' bathrooms, countertops, computers,

stuffed animals, mouths and asses!

lt's goin' down everywhere! l'm gonna live.

Kitchen? Oh, yeah, l see you.

Uh-huh. Perfect. Yeah, and l got the ass, too.

All inconspicuous.

(CHUCKLES)

Told you, cameras everywhere.

Hey, Becky, wanna play Hide and Clap?

BECKY: Fuck off!

That's, "No, thank you."

Let's do this. Oh, lady's blindfold.

You got this out your momma's room, right?

Oh, boy. Things me and your momma do with this!

Sometimes she ties my hands and flip me over and toss that. . . Salad.

Tony likes salad. Anyway.

l'll put this on. Let's do it!

One, two, three. First clap!

(CLAPPlNG)

Come on. Give me a clap.

Okay.

Yeah, l'm gettin' close. l smell you. l smell you.

You smell like kids, like worms, coins and doo-doo. Like. . .

(SCREAMlNG) Shit!

(COUGHlNG)

Can we just play Tag next time? l just wanna play Tag.

Wyatt? Wyatt?

Where you at, you little shit?

(CREAKlNG)

Third clap.

A-ha!

(LAUGHS)

l got you, Wyatt.

(WYATT CHUCKLlNG)

l win ! You took your blindfold off.

You're right, Tony. Malcolm is an idiot.

Take your camera, loser.

Yeah, l wanna learn how to start a fire.

What the hell was that?

l coulda swore. . .

Shit!

Fucked you up!

Fuck, are you crazy? You know who the fuck l is?

MEGAN: Malcolm ! Baby?

Oh, my God !

You can't be jumpin' out on brothers like that.

You'll get knocked the fuck out every time.

lt was supposed to be a joke! You okay?

'Cause l fucked you up!

Like, l hit you with the force, like with the follow-through.

l wanna instant replay that shit. Damn !

'Cause you got froze. You went. . .

"Please help me."

God, l hope this works.

What is that thing?

That is not human.

That was weird.

(WHlSTLlNG)

A-ha!

l caught your ass!

No, you didn't.

Oh, shit!

MALE VOlCE: Becky... It's your box.

What?

I want you to touch me.

Mmm.

Okay.

Not that box.

You know l love you and those kids, right? Yeah.

And l'm gonna do everything in my power to keep you guys protected.

Yeah.

What was that? What?

(CREAKlNG)

That! The wind?

Nigga, the windows are closed ! Okay?

l'm tellin' you, that was either a ghost or a demon.

Or maybe it was a demon pregnant with a ghost.

Oh, this is cute!

l will so wear this, all day, every day.

(GASPS) What if it's a burglar?

Why the fuck are you excited? lt's a burglar!

Either way it goes, it's some scary shit!

Okay, not all burglars are scary.

lt is a burglar or a ghost! lf you talk to him, he'll leave.

You shoot it in the face! lf you talk to him, he'll leave.

And if the motherfucker's foot do this, you shoot him in the face again !

That is way too harsh. What're you gonna do?

l know what l'm gonna do. What're you gonna do?

Shoot him.

You are not allowed to shoot anyone in the face, mister!

Becky?

What in the. . . Becky! Oh, God !

Becky! Becky!

Megan ! Oh, my God !

Get me somethin', Megan ! Becky!

(VACUUM WHlRRlNG)

(SLURPlNG SOUND)

That shit's gross. That fuckin' sound, it bothers me.

Gimme!

(GRUNTlNG)

Oh !

That's all l got! Okay, gimme!

Get that thing outta here! l got an idea!

Come on ! Bitch, why ain't you movin'? Fuck!

See, now this is a good idea.

All right. Goodnight, Becky.

MEGAN: Night, sweetheart. (ELECTRlClTY CRACKLES)

MALCOLM: Hey, buddy, what you doin'?

Havin' a tea party. Oh.

You wanna go outside and do somethin' a little bit more masculine?

Like play some football? No, not really.

Hey, don't sit there! That's Tony's seat!

MALCOLM: Oh, sorry.

My bad, Tony.

Tony says, "No problem, bee-yotch." Want some tea?

Uh. . . Yeah. Sure.

Um, you know, Wyatt, about your little buddy, Tony.

l don't think he's such a good influence on you, know what l mean?

What the. . . That's straight vodka! Tony calls it tea.

He drinks a lot of tea.

l really think you guys need to stop this friendship.

Tony doesn't think that's such a good idea.

You know what, you tell Tony

that l said you and him ain't gonna be friends no more, and that's final !

(SHRlEKS)

On second thought, you and Tony have a beautiful friendship.

Okay, l'll be downstairs doin' somethin' with less spooky shit. (SCREAMS)

This isn't good. lt's happening again.

lt's really fuckin' happening.

(POUNDlNG ON DOOR)

MALCOLM: What the fuck?

Who is it?

(POUNDlNG ON DOOR) (SCREAMS)

Hello?

That's a spooky knock.

Oh, you better run !

Knock on my door, come out there and slap you. . . (POUNDlNG ON DOOR)

(SCREAMS)

What the fuck!

l got a knife!

(YELLS)

What the. . .

"Miss me?" Abigail !

Oh, hell no! Look, we gotta talk.

This is a mistake, okay? This shit gotta stop. lt's gone too far.

You see this? "Miss me?" ln the house with Megan, are you fuckin' crazy?

l take full responsibility, all right? This is my bad.

l don't mean to sound cliched. lt's not you, it's me.

Don't play fuckin' innocent with me,

you knew l had a girl !

l'm just being selfish right now.

l would love to have you and Megan and. . .

To be honest with you, my stuffed animals.

l'd like to bring them in the mix.

l'm tryin' to make this work.

You're just not makin' it easy.

l swear to. . . Ah ! Fuck!

(SCREAMlNG)

You see what you made me do? Only you do this to me!

Fuckin' crazy! Oh, you lucky my momma told me don't hit bitches!

Fuckin' yeah, bitch.

(SOBBlNG)

True enough. (LAUGHlNG)

Fuck, you scare my. . . l didn't touch you ! l didn't touch you !

You get outta my life, l'll get outta yours. l'm done.

(SCREAMlNG)

Make no mistake.

After this, it's over.

You ready to go again? Yeah.

Hello, Malcolm?

Hey, hey, Professor Wilde, how you doing?

Malcolm, l'm glad you reached out.

What exactly am l dealing with here?

Well, the being you described to me

is a demon.

MALCOLM: Fuck, l knew it!

A rare and obscure one

from Babylonian times named Aghoul.

And he's a trickster!

And chances are this is not your first encounter with this demon.

Have you had paranormal experiences in your past?

Actually, yeah. About a year ago.

This is way worse than l had thought. . .

(LOUD FARTlNG) (TOlLET FLUSHES)

Oh, shit! Oh, fuck!

(FARTlNG) Ah !

Nigga, l thought somebody was shootin'! Thai food !

lt's spicy going in, but it's twice as spicy going out!

That's scientifically impossible!

l smell you in here! What in the hell?

Ah, excuse me. (TOlLET FLUSHES)

(GRUNTS)

l hire based on skill level.

Are those titties?

Ladies, remember,

we're making meth, not baby aspirin.

All the stories revolve around Aghoul's attempts

to trick people into bringing him into our world

and it can come through the form of a possession,

a spirit that only a child can see

or an ancient object that lures in the impressionable.

So what you're saying is, something is coming after me and my family.

Malcolm, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Damn it, Jessica, you've got your tit in the pseudoephedrine!

Sorry, Malcolm. l wish you good luck.

Gotta get my Breaking Bad on.

AGHOUL: (LAUGHS) Tonight you drown.

(LAUGHS)

Not again.

Sink. Sink. Sink.

(EXHALES)

Ruined a perfectly good leather jacket!

That's it. (LAUGHlNG) Now we drown. Drown !

Drown !

(LAUGHlNG)

Prepare to meet Hell. (GRUNTS)

Ow! God, that hurt!

Ow! Oh !

My balls. This isn't over!

MALCOLM: Is Aghoul the same demon

that possessed Kisha?

(EXHALES)

When are the Republicans gonna slip

and caII Obama the N-word?

When are they gonna stop makin' Scary Movies without the Wayans?

They fuckin' suck! (CLATTER)

MALCOLM: What the hell?

(MALCOLM GASPS)

What the heck. . .

(SCREAMlNG)

Steroids, bitch !

(GRUNTlNG AGGRESSlVELY)

(SCREAMlNG)

(WHlRRlNG) (SCREAMlNG)

You messed with the wrong nigga today!

(ALL SCREAMlNG) MEGAN: Oh, my God !

Baby, put it down ! What are you doing?

l come in the hallway, this fuckin' creepy box

with some weird fuckin' lighting on it!

And l knew that it was death in the box! So l killed it!

Baby, it was a gift!

But it ain't Christmas.

MEGAN: Baby, no. Kwanzaa?

You were so upset when Shiloh Junior died

that the kids and l thought we would get you. . .

(GROANS)

BECKY: Don't look. Don't look.

Oh, my God ! Wyatt, go upstairs. Go to your room !

l killed a baby.

(SNlFFLES) Oh, God, l think it's still breathing.

You're so fucking crazy.

He's still breathing.

l gotta take him out of his misery.

l gotta kill him ! MEGAN: Oh, my God !

No! Malcolm ! (BECKY SCREAMlNG)

(BlRDS CHlRPlNG)

Becky?

Yoo-hoo.

All right, let's see what's in this box now.

Yeah.

(SNlFFS) Oh, God ! Whoo!

Wow! That is rancid.

What the hell are you doing? Nothing. Just, uh. . .

You know your pillows have blue faces on 'em?

Stay away from my box!

Calm down ! Would you calm down?

l don't wanna calm down, l want you to stay away from my box!

Do you have to say "box" so loud? What is going on in here?

Nothing. We just, uh, playin'.

Dolls 'n stuff. (lNHALES)

Malcolm came into my room and touched my box.

Malcolm, is this true?

Yes, but l only touched it for like two seconds.

lt was stinking ! Like, it was rancid !

Here, smell this. l don't know how she play with that!

He had two fingers in my tight little box, Mom.

Stop lyin'. lt is. . . (SCOFFS)

Baby, there's nothin' tight about her box.

lt's fuckin' huge! l could put my whole fist in it.

Like, l almost was up to here for a second. lt's crazy big.

You said, "No means no!" And that is exactly what l said. l said, "No!"

l did. Whoa.

Time the fuck out. Hold up. (SOBBlNG)

She's trying to Dateline Special a nigga!

Where's Chris Hansen? Chris! Chris!

Chris, come on, l know you out here somewhere!

l know he's in here somewhere. You tryin' to set a nigga up!

Can l talk to you for a second? Right now.

There's something really strange

goin' on in this house.

Wyatt? Wyatt, see, Wyatt used to be my boy.

Like that was my lil' nigga, like we was like, boom, boom.

When my dog died, that lil' nigga held me down !

But lately, he hasn't even talked to me! Like, he won't even play with me!

His little imaginary friend, Tony?

l don't think he's really. . .

(WYATT LAUGHlNG)

WYATT: You're crazy, Tony. . . .imaginary.

Did you see that shit?

Look! You missed it!

Okay, look, forget him. Becky.

There's something in that old box she carries around that's making her go crazy!

She sleeps with it, she eats with it,

she even goes to the bathroom with it!

Who takes a shit with a box in their hand? lt's fuckin' weird !

And by "weird" you mean l'm a terrible mother.

What? No. Wait. Where did you go? Hold on. Hold on a minute.

lf you were just a little bit less judgmental,

she wouldn't feel like she needs to carry her pain around in a "box"!

This is not about me! lt is always about you, Malcolm !

"You're too fat, you're a terrible parent,

"you like black guys 'cause they have bigger cocks!"

That sounds like you ! Do you see this?

That's not fuckin' normal ! Okay, she is just trying to get attention !

When she was a baby, she would cry and cry and cry all damn day in her crib

until finally she realized l wasn't gonna come and pick her up!

lf you were a parent you'd know it's called the "cry it out method," Malcolm !

Just pick the little bitch up!

She needs to learn to self-soothe. See what l'm saying?

That is called parenting. Wow! Mother of the year.

MEGAN: Thank you.

MALCOLM: (PANTlNG) That crazy doll keyed my car!

(LAUGHlNG) Whoo! Bro, somebody fucked your car up!

Yeah. You wouldn't know anybody with an auto body shop, would you?

Are you serious, bro?

Why, contrary to popular belief, all Mexicans don't have body shops, man.

What, you think we all have low riders

with a bunch of primer all over it

with a frickin' Mexican horn?

You think l have like six kids

and all my relatives livin' there, huh?

Probably chase Chihuahuas and make burritos,

is that what you think? Dude. . .

Look at the neighborhood, man !

l didn't think any of that!

l just want my fuckin' car fixed !

(LAUGHlNG) l'm just fuckin' with you, bro!

You're so easy, man. Oh, shit.

Man, l got a cousin, his name is Chucho, he can hook all that shit up.

Stop fuckin' with the crazy bitches, man.

l gotta go, l got the family waiting. All right? Be good, man !

MALCOLM: (GASPS) Where did she go?

(HORN HONKlNG)

Take it easy, vato! MALCOLM: Where you goin'?

Goin' to the swap meet. We're gonna get some Chihuahuas.

MALCOLM: Wow. Now that's racist!

MEGAN: So l moved into the house across the street

and l just love it.

The streets are so quiet. lt's perfect for a haunting.

(BOTH CHUCKLlNG)

You know something, l never got your name.

Kisha? What in the fuck!

You two know each other? Oh. Well, yeah.

You know the boyfriend that l told you abandoned me and left me in a ditch to die?

That's him. (MALCOLM LAUGHlNG NERVOUSLY)

Awkward ! Yeah !

l think l'll let you two have at it.

And thank you so much, Megan, for the coffee, really.

And, Malcolm, it was great seeing you.

(MALCOLM GASPS)

See you around, Malcolm.

Um. . .

(DOOR CLOSES) Really?

How come you never told me about her?

Well, it was just a time in my life l just wanted to forget.

Okay, well you need to start remembering. She was fucking beautiful !

She was aight. "Aight"?

l mean, she got nice legs. Legs.

Little ass, but. . . Ass. How 'bout all this?

lt's fuckable. Okay? But that's the. . . lt's all this. . .

She's crazy! She was crazy, baby, like she was possessed !

You mean she was possessive. No, the bitch was possessed.

What? Yes!

First of all, she was verbally abusive.

MALCOLM: Hey, baby, what's for dinner?

(lN DEMONlC VOlCE) Eat your mother's pussy you fucking fuck!

(GROWLS) MALCOLM: Okay.

(SlGHS)

l don't know. lt was like she gave up.

Eventually l was able to drag her to couples' therapy.

Well, Dr. Rousch, me and my girlfriend,

we're kinda goin' through a little rough patch.

l mean, she won't communicate with me.

No matter what l do, she just sits there.

(GROWLlNG)

Okay, and she'll growl a little bit. Yes, l can hear that.

And the smallest things just set her off. Like crucifixes, or questions.

ls that right, Kisha?

(GROWLS) (SCREAMS)

You got a prescription for "crazy bitch"?

Malcolm, l'm so sorry.

lt sounds horrible. Well, it wasn't all bad.

Wait, l'm gonna come. Shut up, you sound like a bitch!

Oh ! (GROWLlNG)

l think you just knocked out a tooth !

(GROWLlNG)

Whose ass is this, huh? Whose ass is this?

The DeviI's! (LAUGHS)

See, now you just made it weird.

Look at me, God damn it!

(GROANlNG)

Oh, my God, that was awesome!

Baby, you're makin' my toes do this.

You're makin' my toes do this.

Really, Malcolm?

You know what they say about the crazy ones.

What? Too soon? (SlGHS)

There's something goin' on with this box.

l'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

What the heck is this little pervert doing?

(SNlFFS) MALCOLM: Ah !

Oh, dude, that is just weird !

(FARTlNG)

Oh, really? (CHUCKLES)

Oh, wow.

What kind of sweet tooth fairy is this?

This nigga need a daddy. WYATT: "Dear Diary.

"l lost my virginity to Joey today.

"Actually, that's not totally true.

"l mean, l've only had sex with 1 7 guys

"but only in the butt, so it doesn't count.

(VOCALlZlNG)

"l mean, l've sucked a lot of dicks, Diary.

"l stopped counting after the blowjob party at Ashley's house.

"There must've been 30 or 40 guys there."

She ain't got no bone in her neck. She got that Plastic Man.

"PS: Diary, l'll never stop sucking dicks. Ever!"

Wow.

MALCOLM: Oh, would you look there?

A mood ring. So, what mood is that?

lt's called, "You're not my father."

Oh, yeah, that's bitchy lil' white teenager.

See, that'll get you slapped in most black neighborhoods.

(RETCHlNG)

Are you okay?

Becky? Hey.

MALCOLM: Ouch !

(GAGGlNG)

(SPlTS) Ugh.

That is some serious meat-mouth you got goin' on there.

lt's easier going down than it is coming up. Yeah, it's weird.

Breath smell like sirloin.

l hope that hole cold ain't contagious.

(RETCHlNG)

PROFESSOR: Malcolm!

Professor, it's kinda loud there. Um. . .

Did l catch you at a bad time?

(COUGHlNG)

lndica? l'm a sativa man. l got important shit to do!

Hold on ! l'm at a party.

I need some of my medicine.

(SNlFFS)

(LAUGHlNG)

Professor! How do l get rid of the demon?

(MUFFLED LAUGHlNG)

Professor! Professor!

Malcolm, that demon's tryin' to get to you

through your family and he's not gonna stop!

You've got the paranormal equivalent of

a perfect storm, my friend !

(SlREN WAlLlNG)

Oh, shit! The po-po!

Professor, please! What's goin' on?

l got 1 2 ounces of crystal meth

jammed up my anus. l gotta get outta here!

Police! Oh, fuck!

Professor! Professor, please!

Hands up now! l can't go back in !

Professor! How do l get rid of the demon?

(SlREN WAlLlNG) (STRAlNlNG)

Oh, fuck.

You're under arrest! You on the screen, freeze!

MALCOLM: Hey, knothead !

Oh, no, not my favorite shirt. That bitch.

What the. . .

Oh, my God ! Are you fucking kidding me?

No, no, no! Not my clothes! No!

Phew.

(SCREAMlNG)

Oh ! Shit!

This crazy wooden bitch ! She's burning my clothes!

Oh, my God ! It's Fatal Attraction.

She's gonna boil a rabbit! She's gonna boil a rabbit!

(SlGHlNG)

Can l get you something to drink? Sure, man.

Tequila? Really, bro?

What, you bring the Mexican into your house

and, "He must want tequila, we should give him tequila.

"l'm glad he parked his burro so now l can offer him some of his beverage."

l bet you this shit has a worm in it, too, huh?

l should've walked in here with a serape and a sombrero for you, too, huh?

That's what you wanted really, wasn't it?

You get me all worked up, man !

Look, l could use a drink now.

What kind of tequila is it? ls it silver?

'Cause l can't drink that gold shit. That's for cholos.

Thank you, man. lt's nice, man. We're becomin' friends, right?

Uh, now we are. (BOTH LAUGHlNG)

l could trust you with things, right?

l mean, l can keep a secret, man.

l'm good at that shit. The neighbors next door to me

don't even know there's a black guy living here yet.

So, what do you wanna talk about? Um. . .

Okay, you know the people that lived in this house before me?

Mmm-hmm.

Was there anything strange goin' on, like were they actin' weird or anything?

You saw something a little. . .

Spooky or supernatural? l seen some shit.

Come on, man, you don't believe in that, do you?

'Cause if you did, you know, you'd have been like,

"Nigger, l'm out! The deuces."

You mean to tell me you don't believe in the paranormal?

Of course l believe in that shit! l'm half Mexican, bro!

l believe in all that shit people don't believe in.

Freakin' La Llorona, EI Cucuy, Chupacabra, Bigfoot, Obamacare.

lnterracial dating. Nuclear war.

You name it, l'm all for it. Me personally, l wouldn't stay one night in this house.

Shit! Look, l'm gonna be honest with you, bro.

When l first found out that there was a black guy movin' in the neighborhood,

l was like, (lNHALES)

"There goes the property value.

"l'm gonna have to keep the kids inside, there's gonna be gangs,

"l'm gonna have to cover up graffiti," but you turned out to be okay.

You're really cool ! You're very accommodating. l think l can help you.

Really?

(CLUCKlNG)

l need you to cut the chicken's neck.

Oh, hell fuckin' no! You wanna get rid of the demon or not?

l know, but can't we just go down to the store and just like, buy a chicken?

No, man ! You need a blood sacrifice.

Right. Come here. Let's do it.

Hold on ! Hold up, wait a second ! Let me get my shit together.

You gonna shit in my baby's cereal, chicken?

You wanna piss on my momma? ln her face?

(GRUNTlNG)

(SCREAMS)

MALCOLM: l'll fuck. . . Don't you. . .

(CLUCKlNG)

Where did you get this chicken? Your uncle's farm?

No! A cock fighting ring.

That's a dead motherfucker.

(CLUCKlNG)

(GRUNTlNG)

(SCREAMlNG)

Whassup, chicken? You scared? Whassup?

You don't want none of this, motherfucker!

(CLUCKlNG)

MlGUEL: Oh, shit! (SCREAMlNG)

MlGUEL: Bite him back, Malcolm ! Bite him back!

(SCREAMlNG) (CLUCKlNG)

Drown, bitch ! l'm gonna kill you.

Watch what l do to your fuckin' baby! (SCREAMlNG)

(PANTlNG) (LOUD THUDDlNG)

MlGUEL: What you doin', man? What'd you do?

(BEEPS) (GASPlNG)

This pollo is loco!

(SCREAMlNG)

MlGUEL: (LAUGHS) You got him, Malcolm ! That's right!

(SPlTS)

Yeah, you fucked that chicken. (LAUGHS)

Malcolm. . .

(CLUCKlNG)

(SCREAMlNG) (CLUCKlNG)

Yeah !

You about to go to that great bucket in the sky!

Tell the Colonel l said hi !

(CROWlNG)

MlGUEL: Oh, shit!

That was like an intense-ass game of Angry Birds, man !

Fuck, bro, you did it! l think this house is clean !

Well, maybe not clean, but the demon's gone for sure.

What the hell are we gonna do with all this chicken, Malcolm?

Oh, yeah, ask the black guy.

(BOTH MUMBLlNG)

Mmm-hmm. Mmm. Hey.

Cheers. Right on !

(PANTlNG)

What in the fuck?

(GASPS)

You ! This ends now!

You hear me, you googly-eyed wooden bitch ! Come on !

You're making me bury your fuckin' ass!

(PANTlNG)

(GRUNTS)

Get in there! (GRUNTS)

Die, you stink bitch !

B-l-T. . .

Fuckin' bitch ! (FARTS)

You want some of this?

(PANTlNG)

(SCREAMlNG)

All right, prepare to meet your maker!

That's right, l'm sending you back to Taiwan !

You smell like piss and shit!

Come on ! You make me sick!

(DOORBELL RlNGS)

You know what brown can do for me? Take this!

You sign ! Get the fuck outta here!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, see, l tried to do it the easy way.

Now you're gonna make me violent.

Come on, you. . . Get the fuck over here! Shut up!

(LAUGHlNG EVlLLY)

How you like that, bitch? l want you to watch.

Let's see you write it now! (LAUGHlNG EVlLLY)

Miss me? This is fun.

Oh, we about to have a barbecue. Get in there.

Yeah ! Hey, how you doin'? (HORN HONKlNG)

You gonna fuckin' burn today, baby!

(LAUGHlNG EVlLLY)

That's what fucking hell feels like!

(LAUGHlNG EVlLLY)

(CHEERlNG)

(SOBBlNG)

(MUTTERlNG lNCOHERENTLY)

(SOBBlNG)

(POUNDlNG ON DOOR)

(SCREAMlNG)

You fuckin'. . . Fucking die!

l will watch your life come out of you. Just die, you little. . .

l'll fuckin' cut your goddamn eye out, you bitch !

Malcolm ! (SCREAMlNG)

Malcolm ! What did you do to our room? (WHlSPERS) Say fucking nothing.

Honey, it's not what it looks like, okay? Really?

lt's not what it looks like. Really?

Listen, listen to me. She's crazy! lt's not me, she's crazy!

You're crazy. No, honey! Megan !

You're crazy. lt's not what it looks like!

Get away from me. l'm not done with you,

you fuckin' home-wrecker!

God !

See, nobody will listen to the black guy till everybody dead !

l see how you lookin' at me. Let me tell you something.

This house. . . This house is haunted.

You know that little doll that you like so much? Abigail?

Yeah, well, let me tell you something about Abigail. She's alive!

That's right, she's alive!

Not like "alive" alive, but alive as in "is possessed."

You know how l know? 'Cause it made me have sex with it! Repeatedly!

Upstairs, downstairs, in the kitchen, in the yard !

While you were sleepin' next to us!

Right there where you're sitting, twice!

And that's why, when you came upstairs and you caught me

and l was killing the doll, because l was just like,

"You're fuckin' up my relationship!"

And that box? lt's cursed !

That box and that box. That's haunted with a demon.

That box, cursed with dudes. But that's a whole other story.

And your son, his little imaginary friend that teaches him curse words

and gets him crunk off vodka!

Yeah, yeah, l'm blowing your spot, little man.

Well, he's not so imaginary! He's cray!

No, no, no. You cray! You cray-cray!

You and your whole lot of other ethnic words that's going out of style.

You ain't funky fresh or dope. So, how about that, cray-cray?

Mom, he's scaring me.

(LAUGHlNG) ls this the nigga whose room exploded?

l'm scaring you ! Opie, you something else!

You know what, that's it. l've had enough of this whole haunted house craziness!

lt's bad enough that you think it's real,

but now you're scaring the kids!

l'm scaring the kids! Yes!

Ain't that the pot callin' the kettle a nigga!

No, no, no, baby! Your kids are scaring me! (CHUCKLES) Okay?

Look at this one! She's Marilyn Manson in the skin

and Charlie Manson in the eyes! Her eyes look crazy, okay?

That's a crazy woman carrying around a box

like fuckin' Lionel from the Peanuts,

and he's hangin' out with dead niggas

and l'm crazy? Oh ! So, what am l supposed to do with all this?

Maybe you weren't ready! Maybe we moved in too soon.

Maybe you're not ready for a family!

But we come as a package deal, okay?

This ain't about you or them, okay? You. . .

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

Oh, shit. No! Hey! Don't touch that shit!

Don't touch it! That's a demon ring.

Don't you answer that, you hear?

That's the devil callin' right there.

That is an evil ring ! You hear that?

Yeah, l said it, a demon ring !

And you can insta-tweet that on your gram-o-vine!

(RlNGlNG CONTlNUES) Nobody touch it!

Stop ringing !

(RlNGlNG CONTlNUES)

Stop ringing ! Stop!

(SCREAMlNG)

Oh, that's a demon callin'. (PHONE RlNGlNG)

BECKY: Uh, Malcolm? Your pocket.

(RlNGlNG CONTlNUES) Huh. Oh.

We gotta change my ringer.

Why do we even have home phones anymore? l mean. . .

(POUNDlNG ON DOOR)

Yeah? Who is it?

What the hell? Hey, how you doin', officer? Come on in.

We got a call about a domestic dispute.

Are you Malcolm Johnson?

Uh, yeah, that's me, but there's no dispute.

l mean, l threw the phone, but. . .

You're under arrest. Hey! For what?

Oh, my God ! Just raised my voice a little bit!

Malcolm, our phone is broken. l know what. . .

lt's the doll ! lt's the doll ! lt was the doll, brother, listen !

This is all a misunderstanding.

lt was this doll. l was fuckin' this doll, right?

He's on PCP. Let's take him. No, l'm not on PCP!

MALCOLM: You fuckin' bitch ! (MEGAN SCREAMlNG)

You fuckin' bitch !

You fuckin' bitch ! (SlREN WAlLlNG)

Malcolm, maybe this is for the best.

(MALCOLM SHOUTlNG)

(SCREAMlNG)

(AGHOUL LAUGHlNG)

Can't escape my wrath, for l am death.

Now you burn. Fire.

(EXCLAlMlNG lN ALARM)

Help!

(SlGHS)

(SCREAMlNG)

(YELLlNG)

What is. . .

Malcolm?

Malcolm? Mmm. . .

(GROANS)

Damn, son, you look fucked up!

Don't look at me. Don't look at me!

Mom, your man's in here pukin' like a little bitch !

See that shit, Tony?

(CHURCH BELLS RlNGlNG)

Sometimes the victim may be tormented by more than one demon.

These cases lead to transference.

Trans-who? What the fuck is that, dog?

Father Williams! Mind your tongue.

You are a man of the cloth !

Damn, man, ain't like l'm rapin' motherfuckers no more,

you know what l'm sayin'?

Shit. Keep on wit' your little lesson, brother.

Victims have also been known to break

their own bones during the possession.

WlLLlAMS: True. That happened to me.

l was first in prison, l was tryin' to give myself head, right?

'Cause l ain't know nobody.

lf l woulda knew somebody, l wouldn't have had to do it to myself.

And it wasn't no gay shit. First get that out your head.

That's enough ! l've had enough of your insolence!

My what? My insolence?

Dog, you going to bring up my condition right now?

You gonna bring up my diabetes, dog?

Talkin' about my insolence.

'Cause l like cake? Yeah, l like cake, guys.

l like cake, birthday cake, all kinds of cake.

l'm talking about, cake, cake, cake!

Man, you know what?

l'm sick of your shit!

(GROANlNG)

Get outta here! Everybody break out. Take your boy with you.

Yeah. l mean really, man.

Ooh.

Malcolm?

Hey, Father Williams!

Fuck, nigga, what'd l tell you about callin' me that?

l'm sorry. Hey, Doug !

Roll down, man !

l'm sorry you caught that, man. l'm so stressed out, man.

l had to shank a muthafucka. You saw that, right?

l didn't see nothin'.

That's a good answer. That's a good answer.

lf you saw it. . . 'Cause l was gonna say

if you woulda said yes, l woulda. . .

(SCREAMS) Oh, shit!

That's all right, l don't have nothin'. That's the only one l had.

l used to have two shanks, but l don't keep that anymore.

l stopped doin' two shanks

'cause it just was a thang, and

everybody was like, "Two shanks."

Yeah, so, how you doin'?

l, uh. . . l need your help.

lt's happenin', Doug.

Hell no!

You know l'm not comin' over there

and fuckin' with you and your creepy lil' bitch again !

l ain't even with that bitch no more!

l'm beggin' you, man, l just need your help.

l just don't know who else to go to.

Let me just explain to you why l became a priest.

Now, obvious one is for the little boys. Yes.

What're you talkin' about?

lt's a joke, Malcolm !

Oh, God, no, it was a joke. l did that, you know,

for the other priests and we laugh, that's all.

But l don't know if l can help you with your demon situation

because l haven't been stayin' steady

on my demon fightin' skills, is what l'm tryin' to tell you.

So Malcolm, day after day,

when you know you can't win, you're just prolonging the inevitable!

All you gotta do is let them in.

Are you talkin' about the Devil?

Worse. The Kardashians.

(GASPS) Yeah.

Yeah, did you see 'em? lt's the crazy mama,

it's Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, crazy, the two little ones. . .

They gonna be freaks. They got Lamar, they got Scott. . .

Rob, fat as a motherfucker,

Bruce with the acne. Oh, Bruce. . .

What the fuck is wrong with Bruce Jenner face?

He look like a monster!

He scares me at night! And he on in daytime.

He don't look like the nigga that was on the Wheaties box!

And Kanye! And Kanye! And Julianne Hough !

l love it and l hate it. They took Kanye and they changed him.

Doug, you know. . . Doug. . . (POUNDlNG ON WlNDOWS)

You have to let go of me, Doug.

You can't. . .

Doug, you gotta let go of me!

There's no place you can hide. He has a plan for you.

Doug, get off of me. He will get you !

Doug, get your hands off me!

What the fuck is wrong with you?

(POUNDlNG ON WlNDOWS)

Ow!

Oh, you're the one that got us out here in the hot heat!

Making me bang all on the windows with my good church hat!

Hon, l could be at home watchin' that new Madea movie!

What's the name of that Madea movie

with the little girl from The Fresh Prince?

You know the one, she played the head of NASA! With the aliens!

Madea Goes To Mars!

Boom ! Madea Goes To Mars, that's it!

(MUMBLlNG) Hold up, ain't you that brother

that just moved into old Burton place?

Yeah, it's just. . . With a white woman !

Well, she's not all the way white.

She's a white woman, damn near clear!

Come on now, it's 201 3. lnterracial relationships is not a big deal.

What? You need to tell that to the lonely sista.

Look at this one right here. Right here!

Honey, show him how you drop it like it's hot!

Whoo! Hold up, Bertha, hold up. Hold up. We ain't got no defibrillator.

Oh, you know what it is with the white girl?

They do that cungalingus, the finga-ligga-linga.

What is it, the fellatio? MALCOLM: Uh. . .

That's what it is, they go deep.

You know they ain't got no insides.

l think that's my cue to go.

Excuse me, sistas. Have a good sermon.

Where you goin'?

MALCOLM: Love is love. You're so bitter.

See? MALCOLM: You angry.

Brothers be trippin'. That's why l got me a white man at home.

Yeah, girl. WOMAN: Vanilla my flavor.

PROFESSOR: Hello, Malcolm.

Oh, Professor Wilde, thank God.

l've been tryin' to reach you !

I'm sorry, Malcolm, I've been a bit tied up.

l haven't been able to find any more on Aghoul,

though my resources are a bit limited.

Uh, Professor? Where the hell are you?

Ooh, doin' a stretch of five to 1 0.

Apparently, the authorities frown on sellin' meth

to college students.

Yeah, apparently.

You need to hang up

that computer call,

come over here and kiss me on my hot mouth.

l'm feelin' romantical.

Well, Malcolm, l suppose l should get going.

But l will be e-mailing you the contacts

of associates who'll be able to help.

l don't mean to be pushy, but any way

you could do that before you get raped?

What part of mandingo party

do you not understand?

lt's time to power the white rabbit.

You know. Dirty the snow.

Oh, l'm screwed.

PROFESSOR: Don't! That's not that bad.

Lights, please. Thank you.

So after several exhausting days of the exorcism,

l threw some holy water on her, read an incantation

and the demon left the woman's body.

(CHUCKLlNG) l suppose l just sat back and watched.

l mean, l'm just the medium who puts her life in danger

every time she reaches out to demonic forces.

But you've got a Bible and a bottle of holy water,

so you make the world a safer place!

The fact is, people, is that God is real,

the Devil is real, and monsters exist.

Well. . . They're vicious, terrifying entities!

But the good news is, Santa Claus doesn't exist

so you don't have to worry about some creepy old guy

coming down your chimney. (ALL SOBBlNG)

Okay. . . Got your nose!

So, what exactly are you guys? And who the fuck hired you?

You can call us Ned and Noreen.

See? This is why you don't hire from Craigslist.

(SCHOOL BELL RlNGlNG) Asshole!

l don't understand why you always have to take the credit!

l mean, even your name comes first on our book cover,

and l am the one with a gift! lt's not my fault

that Ned comes before Noreen in alphabetical order!

ls that why Ned comes before Noreen in the bedroom?

Just once l'd like you to do that thing

with your thumb and your forefinger.

l think they call it the shocker?

Yeah, well, l would like you to do that thing with my balls and the. . .

Hi ! Hi ! Can we help you?

Yes. Um, there's something horrible happening in my house.

My family doesn't realize what's going on, but l do!

l'm sure that there's a rational explanation. . .

Please! They're white!

Oh, my God ! Why didn't you say that?

Yeah, you should lead with that!

l mean, if you're black we just assume that your hauntings are

bill collectors or racist police officers.

But 99% of all hauntings

happen to white people, that's a fact.

What he means to say is, of course we'll help you.

Thank you so much.

So we're here to help you people.

And before you get worked up, l mean "you people" as a couple.

lt wasn't racist till you explained it.

Yeah.

The bad news is you have a demon in your house.

Here we go again.

Okay, wait. So the house really is haunted?

Megan, it's not the house that's haunted.

A-ha! l knew it! l knew it! lt's always the little white girl.

Think about it. The Exorcist, The Last Exorcism,

The Exorcism of Emily Rose. All white girls.

'Cause there ain't no black parents gonna have

no little white girl talkin' like that.

"Bitch, who are you? Who're you cursin' at?

"And turn the fuckin' air down in here!"

Malcolm, Malcolm, just listen for a second. Yes.

When we first met you, there was something attached to you.

Oh, that was a hemorrhoid. That was. . . lt's good now.

This dark entity has attached itself to him

and now it's feeding off of all of you.

So what you're saying is that this is all Malcolm's fault.

That's right. Your family could've left here at

any time, but now you're stuck.

Like a piece of toilet paper

stuck on your shoe when you leave the bathroom.

And your wife knew the whole time, but she didn't tell you

because she wanted you to walk around and look like an idiot.

Oh, get over it! l'm not the one who had an affair

with some low-rent palm reader from Akron !

And you never would've known if you weren't a psychic!

But l am psychic, Ned !

BOTH: Oh ! Ow.

Shit! What is that for?

What you'll be thinking about doing to Megan in two seconds.

"Thinking about doing to Megan?" One, two, see?

Uh, guys, we came on short notice.

We may need an extra pair of hands.

Anyone you trust to help?

l know a guy. He's Mexican.

Megan, let's go to your contacts.

Hey, nice camera. Right?

l take it your third cousin owns electronics shops.

Eh, somethin' like that. He sells them out of the back of his truck.

lt's a mobile operation. Let me know if you want one.

Hey, Ned, something weird.

All these clocks stop at 3:27 when the hauntings happen.

Normally, it's 3:07. Nope, we're on CP time.

The demon will manifest itself in many ways.

To your son, it's his imaginary friend.

To your daughter it's the voice inside the box.

For Malcolm it's that sexy little doll Abigail.

See? lt's a manifestation ! You think l'd bang a doll for no reason?

Malcolm ! Shut up. What we're about to do

is the first step in banishing the demon to the netherworld.

Oh, what is that?

This helps me communicate with the demon.

Organic, hydroponically grown OG Kush.

Very strong.

This is some good shit.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, pass the mask, shit.

NOREEN: We grow it ourselves.

NED: High water bill. (COUGHlNG)

That's that shit right there!

Let me get another hit. l'm goin' to the Further.

Tony, where are you?

(CREAKlNG)

Smells like that OG Kush.

WYATT: Mom !

What. . . Becky!

Cool ! Wyatt, get upstairs!

MALCOLM: Wyatt, come on ! DEMON: Fuck you, you bitch!

Why are you tying my baby to a chair?

Because the bitch got a demon in her!

BECKY: Make it stop! (GROWLS)

This is some scary Cucuy shit right here, man.

l don't know who Cucuy is.

A Cucuy is a ghetto Mexican bogeyman.

Oh, like George Lopez.

(CHUCKLES) l know, huh?

l agree, it is scary as fuck.

(GROWLlNG) This spirit is more powerful than l thought.

We're gonna need to get a priest and perform a real exorcism.

l know a guy! He's a little unconventional.

l don't know, Malcolm. (SCREAMlNG)

l know, that bitch don't look right.

No, why you gotta call her a bitch?

You disrespecting the little ho.

Nigga, did you just sell me out?

There's certain words that trigger white folk.

l mean, bitch, ho, slut. No offense.

You can't say those words. That's like our. . .

Hey!

What the hell are you talking about?

Are you out your damn mind?

We would never say that.

Oh, we would behind closed doors.

l mean, l wouldn't say it in a bus or a waffle house.

At the Atlanta Airport

Hey, l ain't your boy. . . l got your back.

This is a lovely scarf you're wearing.

lt's a sash, you know what l'm sayin'?

l'm selling these. This a part of my new clothing line,

"Jesus Pieces," and l got, like,

the shoe that the Pope be wearin'.

ln leather, suede, in green, brown, and the Pope hats!

l can't keep that shit, you know niggers love big hats.

Okay, you know what, that's enough. Thank you so much.

That's right. Can we help my daughter, please?

Hell, she went really white girl on me.

"Oh, my God !" l was like, "Whoa."

Speaking of white. . . Are you doin' cocaine again?

Cocaine? No, man, this stuff's molly!

ALL: Oh ! Can l try?

lt's all good. NOREEN: Oh, wow.

(TEETH CHATTERlNG)

l'm gonna take a little pinch for later.

He's just bringing drugs?

lt's molly. Wrap it up!

Yeah, l'm sorry. l told you he was unconventional.

(GROWLlNG)

All right.

(ALL SCREAMlNG)

Hey, chill. Calm down, man.

Doug ! Doug ! Doug ! Whoa.

Y'all some crazy ass motherfuckers.

Y'all thought l was gonna shoot this bitch?

l'm just gonna pistol-whip her until she weakens.

You're not pistol-whipping my daughter!

l am not pistol-whipping my daughter.

He know's what he's doing. The man is a genius.

(GROWLlNG)

ln the name of the Father and the Holy Ghost. . . (GROWLlNG)

l need three other white people.

Peyton Manning !

Peyton Manning, Kristen Stewart.

Paula Deen ! (GROWLlNG)

Where's Doug? l can't find his black ass in this dark!

MlGUEL: Where the hell is he?

Look for eyes!

Like a forest creature in a cartoon. Father Doug !

He's over here! He's over here! (WHlMPERlNG)

Doug ! Nigga, please, don't.

MEGAN: Father, please don't!

No, wait! lt's better if he points the gun at himself and not at us.

Just talk to him, Malcolm.

Listen to my voice, okay, Doug? Listen to my voice.

This is not what niggas do! We don't do suicide!

Murder, yes! Suicide? That's what they do.

Yeah, we do that. l've tried at least 20 times.

Motherfucker got me acting all crazy, actin' the fool !

You know damn well l wouldn't peel my own cap!

(CHOKlNG)

l can't stop it! l can't stop it! Man, it keeps. . .

There's somethin' in my head that's tellin' me to blow off my head.

ls it in here? ls it in there?

No, no, no! Yeah, up there! (ALL TALKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY)

Demon break. Who wants a mojito?

Oh, the black guy's still got a gun.

Oh, God ! This demon is a son of a bitch, man !

Father, why have you abandoned me?

ls it because l cuss a lot, even during prayer?

"Amen, motherfucker," sounds dope.

ls it because. . . (CHOKlNG)

l don't get Ryan Seacrest. l don't get him.

l know what it is, 'cause l dressed up as a foreclosure sign

when people was getting kicked out of their house.

On Halloween l just stood in the yard.

l knew it was wrong, but it was funny to me.

Out of all of the people on the Brady Bunch,

it was Alice that l wanted to fuck.

ln the station wagon, on top of Mr. Brady's architect desk.

Just used it for protractors and rulers.

ls it because l actually kinda thought

that it was okay that Chris Brown hit Rihanna?

l know that bitch hit him first, man ! She talk too much shit!

She an lsland Girl. "What you doin', Chris?

"Where you goin'? Who's this bitch talkin' "about Chris?"

Shut the fuck up, bitch !

Somebody help me.

MALCOLM: Doug ! Fight it, Doug !

No! Nigga, that's a bigass gun ! That's gonna hurt, nigga.

Malcolm, he has a message for you.

He says. . .

"Hi, bitch."

(SCREAMlNG)

MEGAN: Oh, my God ! No!

(BECKY GROWLlNG)

We're gonna need another priest! lt's too late.

l have to perform the exorcism.

lt's true.

Although Ned's only formal training was at

Ghostbusters summer camp back in 1 988.

Never cross the streams. Never cross them.

And he is dumb!

l mean, dumb, dumb, dumb!

The point is, you can do this!

Do you remember what you said to me on our wedding night?

"l have whiskey dick and l'll make it up to you in the morning."

No! You said God brought us together for a reason.

That doesn't sound like me. Must've been really drunk.

Just fucking do it, dummy! Okay.

(CHANTlNG FAKE LATlN)

(GROWLS)

Becky! Did it work?

BECKY: Please help me. l'm sorry for everything !

MlGUEL: l think you did it!

(LOUD THUD) (ALL SCREAMlNG)

(GROWLlNG)

NED: Full inversion. We got a full inversion.

Oh, fuck!

MEGAN: Oh, my God !

Time to die!

lt was him ! lt was him !

No, don't do me like that!

lt actually was him.

MlGUEL: Better him than me.

NOREEN: That looked like it hurt, shit.

(SHRlEKlNG)

Whoo! Now, that's what you call a blowjob.

A leaf blower?

Don't judge me. MEGAN: Malcolm !

Demon, you leave our daughter alone!

(GROWLS) (DOOR SLAMS)

That's not your daughter anymore!

l didn't mean like a daughter-daughter. . .

l was just saying that. . . Seriously? Malcolm, help her!

Okay. God damn it!

Go get 'em, buddy.

Wyatt, are you okay?

Yeah, but Becky?

She looks pretty fucked up.

(ROARS)

Demon, l'll make you a deal.

How about you leave, and we'll pretend none of this ever happened?

The bitch is mine!

You heard the man, the bitch is his. l tried.

Seriously?

She said the bitch is his. That's pretty emphatic.

Malcolm, please help me. l'm so sorry.

Becky will rot in hell!

Okay, which one is it? Go rot in hell or you want me to help you?

Malcolm, help her!

The bitch is confusing me!

Okay. Demon, you leave her alone! You take me instead !

DeaI.

Wait, no, no, no. Here, take him instead !

l haven't heard a demon scream for a while.

l think it's safe to go back up there.

l still have a bad feeling.

For God's sake, come on, guys!

Come on ! All right.

Oh, my God ! Wyatt, get upstairs right now!

NED: They're cuddling ! The demon's gone!

l did it! This house is clean !

Look at his eyes! They're rolling to the back of his head !

l think he's possessed.

That's the face that he makes when he has an orgasm.

l think he's okay, you guys.

This is not over.

NED: Are you guys watching this?

Yes, we're watching it, dummy!

l'm so intrigued by this.

MlGUEL: Oh, man ! He's all twisted up like a chocolate pretzel !

Such flexibility and the dexterity!

Oh, my God. This is making me queasy!

lt's like he could suck his own dick.

l don't wanna suck my. . . Please help me!

lf l could do that, l don't think l'd ever talk to you again.

Stop it, you unholy demon !

Oh ! Oh ! That is greasy shit! Probably Murray's.

The power of Christ compels you ! (SlZZLlNG)

(SCREAMS) lt burn like bum piss!

That means it's working !

Pour the whole thing, like l just won the Super Bowl !

Go! Oh, my God.

MEGAN: Are you crazy?

(SCREAMlNG)

(GROWLS)

Is that all you got, bitch?

Oh !

(SCREAMlNG)

(ALL GRUNTlNG)

Wait, guys! Stop! Everybody, stop!

Malcolm, are you okay?

No, l think l'm gonna be sick.

What? Hold up.

NOREEN: Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, my God, l can't. . .

Oh.

Puking like a runway model.

l'm good. l'm good. MEGAN: Are you done?

You're gonna want to Febreze all of this.

You're gonna wanna just clean this.

l feel so much better now.

Whoo!

ALL: Oh !

(PANTlNG) (GLASS SHATTERS)

Can't be too sure. Oh, shit.

l gotta get the hell outta here.

Once they see a black guy in a pool of blood,

you know who they're gonna come after next.

l gotta go. Hey, watch out!

Now this place is clean.

lt sounded better when l said it.

Get the box.

Thank you guys so much.

No need to thank us. We're happy to help.

Come on, Ned.

And we'll just take Abigail with us as well, for safekeeping.

Yeah, l know what you plan on doing with that doll.

What? No, l'm a professional. She's a freak bitch.

Stop it. Trust me.

Hey. How come Noreen ain't pickin' up on the vibes?

You know how when you're trying to last longer,

you think about baseball? Mmm-hmm.

lt's kind of like that. Throws a haze in their head.

lt's the only way to survive when you're married to a psychic.

Come on, Ned. l know you're thinking about fucking that doll.

Hey, hey, hey.

You've had enough. Bye, doll.

(TELEVlSlON PLAYlNG)

lt's so nice being able to just relax on the couch

and watch The Bachelorette. Yeah.

(RUMBLlNG)

Huh?

(STAMMERS) You didn't hear that?

What? (HlNGES CREAKS)

My nigga senses is tinglin'. lt's like my Spidey senses.

Oh, would you hush? lt is fine!

My white senses say we're fine. (LAUGHS)

Everything's okay. lt's over.

Okay? lt's over.

Okay, okay. l'm trippin'. That's right.

(SCREAMS) . . .dead white bitch !

You already know how it's going down, motherfuckers, all right?

l looked on my Dora the Explorer app,

this the motherfuckin' correct address.

This ain't a drive-by, homie, okay? This a walk-in, homie.

So ain't no escape plan ! My cousin is in here, cuz!

Y'all ready?

Hey, yo, Malcolm ! Whassup, my niggie? l'm here, cuz!

RAY: Oh, shit!

(SHRlLL VOlCE) What the fuck are you doin', man? l gotta run for it!

This is bullshit! Oh, my God ! l'm scared as fuck!

(SOBBlNG)

(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)

l'm good, dog. Let me get my motherfuckin' bearings together, homie.

(HUFFlNG)

(WHlSPERS) All right, let's go up in there, cuz.

lt smell like dead ass,

baloney and sweat socks up in there, homie.

lt smell like Honey Boo Boo's boo-boo, homie!

Malcolm?

Where you at, cuz?

Ain't nobody in here, cuz.

Oh, shit! Megan got fucked up!

Head twisted all backwards, niggie.

Now, upon further examination, my niggie,

this white bitch smell like she been dead about a week, maybe two.

l watch Dexter, niggie, CSl: New York, Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta.

Don't nobody get killed on there, but they need to, my nigga.

Stevie J. , you know what l'm sayin'?

This bitch smell like poverty, cuz!

Yah ! Taekwondo! Oh, shit!

They done killed the little mini white bitch, too, cuz!

Fuck happened down here, cuz?

Hello?

Oh, shit! There's another dead body, cuz.

Who the fuck is it, though, huh? Who the fuck is it?

Oh, God, it's Malcolm !

(SOBBlNG) They done kill my cuz, cuz!

lt's like Boyz n the Hood, he's supposed to go to college!

Why the fuck they let Doughboy live and Ricky dead?

Doughboy was the evil nigga, cuz!

Oh !

l can't believe this!

See if the nigga got some money, though.

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

What you hit me for, brah?

You know better than to be poppin' up on me like that, cuz!

You get knocked out every motherfuckin' time, homie.

World star! World star!

MALCOLM: (GROANS) You hit me with a brick!

Where's my family? Are they okay?

Nigga, they dead as fuck!

All of them? Even the little boy?

He's on the back of a motherfuckin' milk carton, niggie!

Good. He may have lived.

(HOUSE CREAKlNG) Where's Kisha?

Nigga, l don't know where the fuck Kisha is at, cuz!

Shh ! Shh ! She did this shit!

Kisha did this shit?

The white girl's neck, snapped it back.

Kisha did that shit?

Nigga, that bitch is gangsta, cuz!

l need to jump her in my shit, cuz!

Shh ! l came down to the basement on some creep shit, like. . .

l was just sittin' here waitin' for this bitch, like, "Nigga, what?"

"Bitch, you want some of this?"

So l'm gonna sit here incog-negro

up under this blanket like, nigga, like what.

Let my sneakers be all, so she be like, "That nigga dead."

The throat, like, "Bitch, you want some of this?"

You can't kill me! l'm like a roach ! l don't die, l multiply!

l got God on my side, bitch !

(SlNGlNG) Twinkle, twinkle little star

She's right behind me, isn't she?

How I wonder... (ALL SCREAMlNG)