Original subtitles

Thank you, motherfuckers, so much!

Fieldy and Head from the band Korn

whose album Issues hits stores today.

And the winner is...

Korn, "Freak On A Leash."

I'd like to thank this band right here,

the hardest workin' band in rock and roll.

The band is named Korn

and they are celebrating in New England.

I wanted to mention one thing

before we get too much farther into the show.

Korn rules.

I'm Kurt Loder with MTV News this hour with Chris Rock

on the late comic Phil Hartman.

First though, there's a baby boom of sorts

going on in the music world at the moment.

Korn has had to cancel this Saturday's Ozzfest date

in England in order to allow guitarist Brian Welch

to jet back to the States to be with his wife

who is due to give birth imminently.

And there's the inevitable...

The day Jennea was born

was, like, the most euphoric...

miraculous unconditional love,

like total...

purity in the room.

But...

I think deep down inside of me, I knew I was incapable...

of being what she needed and deserved.

"Man on Fire" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

♪ I'm a man on fire ♪

♪ Walking through your street ♪

♪ With one guitar ♪

♪ And two dancing feet ♪

♪ Only one desire ♪

♪ That's left in me ♪

♪ I want the whole damn world ♪

♪ To come dance with me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Come dance with me ♪

♪ Over murder and pain ♪

♪ Come and set you free ♪

♪ Over heartache and shame ♪

♪ I wanna see our bodies burning ♪

♪ Like the old big sun ♪

♪ I wanna know what we've been learning ♪

♪ And learning from ♪

♪ Everybody want safety ♪

♪ Safety love ♪

♪ Everybody want comfort ♪

♪ Comfort love ♪

♪ Everybody wants certain ♪

♪ Certain love ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ But me ♪♪

When you're a kid

and you're serious about playin' music

or serious about somethin' in your life,

you have these dreams about,

you know, wanting to do stuff in your life,

you know, whether to be a fireman or a policeman

or work with animals

or a rock star.

He was like a normal kid.

You know, if you see the picture of him in junior high,

you know, he had on Dockers and a button down shirt and he...

Short hair and...

Then high school came.

I don't think he thought he fit in.

He discovered fairly early that hard rock music.

Remember the Ozzy Osbourne and...

Yeah.

I don't know, Black Sabbath and...

Some of those posters he had

even when he was 10, 12 years old,

on-on his bedroom walls.

And I used to walk down the hallway at home

and poke my head in and say,

"Would you, please, play 'Ghost Riders In The Sky'

so I can recognize what you're playing?"

Oh, hey, dude.

There's no, there's no metal on this one.

Here we go.

We were just a normal family, you know.

My mom and dad worked pretty much at, you know,

8 to 4, 9 to 5 type of job and, you know, we, uh...

My school was at the end of the cul-de-sac, so that was cool.

♪ I'm hot ♪

♪ And when I'm not ♪

♪ I'm cold as ice ♪♪

To, like, be given that dream...

I mean, it couldn't have got bigger for us.

It was just like, "Are you serious?"

"Blind" by Korn

He's like, "I wanna start a band.

You know, I got a drummer."

He said, "I need a bass player."

He's like, "Bass is easy, you just kinda, just ride E."

I'm like, "Cool."

There's always been a, a back and forth

with our guitar playing.

I mean, both of us are playing guitar. It's like one person.

He had something that no one ever heard before.

When Korn came out, I was like, "What in the fuck is this?"

We hear all the time that he's a genius at what he does.

I couldn't recognize that, you know.

Well, partly because of the type of music they play.

♪ Are you ready? ♪

Big as Korn was,

I would still be callin' my dad.

"Dad, my album went number one."

He's like, "What? That's great."

Backstreet Boys number two, NSYNC three,

Britney Spears four, and I'm like, "How are we..."

I almost thought it was like, "Are we... Is this conspiracy?

Are we gettin' punked or somethin'?"

It was a blur because not only

were we partying every night...

A-and you know, we're at city, city, city, city.

So it just becomes like, "Do you remember that tour?"

Not even that night.

It's like the, the ultimate way

of everything you could ever want.

It was fuckin' amazing.

You don't have to wake up and go to work in the morning.

None of that shit. It's just having fun.

And plus, I had a life. I didn't, I wasn't...

I didn't party or do anything when I was growing up.

I was the outcast kid. Everyone thought I was a fag and shit.

So I didn't have... I didn't get to do any of that shit.

So once I got in the band, I was like, "Oh, shit, here we go."

♪ Go ♪♪

Fieldy, Jonathan and Head from the band Korn.

♪ Fight! Something on the dum na ema ♪

♪ Fight somethings they fight ♪

♪ Something takes a part of me ♪♪

And young hip music lovers

are eating up the Korn's newest album.

I had everything.

I had to make people believe that I was happy

when I had everything.

When on you're on TV every day,

when you have the checks rollin' in,

when you have sold out arena shows, it's like...

They're like, "Oh, man, you have it all."

"Man, you're like the..."

"You see Brian, he's doin' so good."

"See the Korn guys, they're doin' so good, they have..."

"Man."

I had to play that role.

That everyone thought I had everything,

so I had to act like...

I was happy and things were okay.

And my dad, I guess I wanted to show him

that I can make it on my own and, and be okay and...

My mom, I didn't want to worry, so...

So I just... It was just... I lived a lie.

I'm gonna get you, pancake.

I'm gonna get you, dirty bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

You and me, pancake, you and me. Yeah.

Hi. How's it goin'?

Check her out sideways.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Thought he was bigger than that.

He's gotta go through that, is it?

To me, I knew something was missing

because I was trying to fill an empty space

with somethin' that was hurtin' me.

Ice Cube Studio with a fucking ice chest full of crystal.

You know it.

Oh! You knocked over my beer. Yes, yes, yes!

Oh, fuck you.

The alcohol, like every day.

Not just a couple of drinks a couple of times a week

with some friends, like every day.

There goes, there goes...

Just self-medicating with drugs and...

Mainly drugs.

No, no, don't mix Xanax and beer.

Encore.

- You got some? - Encore.

- You got some? - Xanax?

- Smells good. - It does, doesn't it?

We should put it in a handkerchief and we'll huff it.

There was no sense of any responsibility, I think.

That's what it was and, uh, it just enables us

it enables you to just act however you want.

Let's start the set. Let's start the set.

You got the meth lined out,

you roll up your bill,

you lean down,

make sure the hair doesn't wipe it away like a broom,

snort it...

and then it's just like...

He was so mad.

I went down the hallway, I was goin'...

I was goin', "Man, she's in pain again."

Where's the epidural lady?

It was just beautiful to me, you know.

It's like, this little baby,

this, a miracle came into the world

and I was there when she came into the world.

I was there.

She is cute, huh?

I was totally just in love

with the whole experience and the, and the baby and everything

but when I got home, it was like...

There was like a fear that came on me, like,

"Oh, my gosh.

This is, this is a big deal.

There's like another person that lives here now

and I'm responsible for this person."

So I'm just like, I was frightened

and my wife came and she's like,

"Are you in there? What are you doin'? I need to use that."

or somethin' like that, and I was in the bathroom,

and I open the door and she just saw me, just bawling.

My wife just held me there for a little bit.

I was just scared that I was gonna screw up

the kid like I was screwin' up myself.

Make sure I don't suck.

I've only been playing a year, so all playing playing.

Like, actually...

You might have genetic advantage.

- I don't think so. - Really?

I don't, I don't think that's how it works.

I played that second one wrong. It's actually...

You told us in the car the other day

that you wanted, uh, to be a singer.

Yes.

Because you felt like...

it would give you a voice.

Yes.

What do you wanna say?

Um... what do I wanna say?

Um...

Hm.

It felt like forever, but I was at home for one month

after Jennea was born.

I'm a new person, I'm gonna be a great dad,

I didn't drink and I stopped smoking.

And I was kind of bragging to my guys.

I was like, "My life changed."

And the next thing you know, they're like,

"Hey, let's go watch Rage Against The Machine."

Let's get some beers." And I was like...

"Hm, I'll just have a couple of beers."

What I was afraid of...

I was just like...

I was just stepping right back into those same patterns.

We knew something was wrong with him,

but we weren't smart enough to figure it was drugs.

And he was a master at hiding it,

but I should have known when...

I mean, I feel guilty about that. When I...

Hindsight is always better, but I should've seen the signs.

I, I should have too.

But we, we didn't see him that often.

In our defense, we didn't see him that often

and when we did, he was flitting.

You know how he is. He's just...

And he would crash when he'd come home a lot.

And I think part of that was...

what he was ingesting.

Mm.

I wanna say that...

there is hope and...

that, like, life doesn't have to...

be just a drag.

No one is on Earth just because...

Like, there is, there is a purpose

for everyone being alive.

Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen.

It's Monday night. I'm just back from Woodstock and Korn Rules.

Am I right? Huh?

God bless you.

"Blind" by Korn

The day of the concert was great.

I was clean for a while. It felt good.

There was no drugs in my system. I was excited and everything.

"Blind" by Korn

We had an awesome slot.

We went on, like, right when it got dark.

So, we had the, like, the lights,

we had the, the sound, we had everything.

And, you know...

it just crushed.

"Blind" by Korn

Ended up drinkin', ended up snorting coke.

Me and my wife might have even took ecstasy.

Got on the chartered jet home with Ice Cube and Limp Bizkit

and Korn and people snorting Tylenol Pm

to try to get to sleep 'cause they couldn't sleep

the night before 'cause of the coke.

And I was just trying to take care of the baby and...

Yeah, Rebekah, she went off in the deep end

and drank more and more and got psychotic

and ended up attacking me

and I ended up punchin' her in the face and...

split her nose open.

Blood went everywhere and...

she ended up passing out on the marble floor.

My daughter in the next room sleepin',

my wife on the floor bloody and, and me, uh...

just bawled up, just... crying.

Just thinking and saying, like,

"Why does the American dream look like a nightmare?"

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ Dear Nea ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

We were down for Jennea's birthday...

and that's when Rebekah basically walked away.

I'd thought she'd just kind of flipped out.

I mean, it was, she came to her party late

with, with a couple of skinheads that she was...

What the hell's goin' on here, you know, with everyone?

I couldn't believe it was happening to me.

The punk rock gang of people that moved into my house

when I was on the road with Metallica and...

my wife sleepin' with another man

while my kid's runnin' around the house.

I was horrified at what she might've saw

with those skinheads at that house.

So he flies home...

gets her and takes her back on the road with him.

I had to take over and I, and I did.

I took her on the road and stopped messin' with cocaine.

Stopped takin' Xanax pills and...

did what I had to do.

"Nothing In This World" by The Kinks

♪ Met a girl fell in love glad as I can ♪

♪ Be-e-e-e ♪

♪ Met a girl fell in love ♪

♪ Glad as I can be ♪

Wait, baby bum.

♪ But I think all the time is she true ♪

♪ To me-e-e-e? ♪

♪ 'Cause there's nothin' in this world ♪

♪ To stop me worryin' 'bout that ♪

♪ Gi-i-i-irl ♪

♪ I found out I was wrong she was just ♪

♪ Two timin-n-n-n' ♪

♪ I found out I was wrong she just kept on ♪

♪ Lyi-i-i-in' ♪

♪ Now she tries to tell the truth and I just can't ♪

♪ Belie-e-e-eve ♪

♪ 'Cause there's nothin' in this world ♪

♪ To stop me worryin' 'bout that ♪

♪ Gi-i-i-irl ♪

♪ 'Cause there's nothin' in this world ♪

♪ To stop me worryin' ♪

♪ 'Bout that gi-i-i-irl ♪♪

It's funny.

I love you, daddy.

Aww. I love you too.

- Who's that? - Jennea.

I have plenty of memories

from when my dad was in Korn.

I-I was little, but I...

I don't know why, uh, they just stuck.

♪ rock music ♪

I mean, if we're gonna be, like, real here, like...

I mean, I saw, like...

I saw, like, naked chicks, like, walking around backstage.

Like, I saw, like,

girls making out, like, in the crowd.

Like, I...

I don't know, I've... Like, all of that.

Hey, Jennea, look in the camera.

- Jennea, look at him. - Jennea!

Jennea, peek-a-boo!

- Never, ever... Jennea-- - Say hi to the camera.

Jennea! Never talk to a guy that looks like this.

Go that way.

- Jennea. - Or a girl.

Jennea. Jennea.

It changed my perspective

on how I saw other people in the world.

How I saw a man and a woman together in their marriage.

I... That definitely...

It changed how I saw, like, love.

Whoo-whee, smoke 'em if you got 'em.

- Hey, Jennea-- - Jennea.

Are you confused? Are you confused?

She's tired.

But she'll be rockin' on stage, right?

Tough times for us.

A lot of people watched Jennea over the years.

A lot.

Oh, look, Jennea, there's...

When they moved to Bakersfield, we would watch her

and this other couple came with 'em

and they took care of Jennea.

- When he was out on the road. - Yeah.

When I think about home, I think about

the one in Bakersfield.

It was a big house.

Britney Spears!

We had, like, a crazy, like, a huge pool

with, like, a bridge over it

and I had a huge

Hello Kitty themed room

and I never slept in it.

I always s-slept on the couch o-or the guest room.

Hey, did I scare you guys?

To be honest, I didn't know what family was.

I just thought it was a word that meant

people who were related to each other.

I didn't think it meant anything else.

I'm still figuring it out.

Go, Jennea! Woohoo!

She's up on the blocks. Standin' on her blocks.

- Take your mark! - She took her mark.

There she goes.

Go, Nea, go! Go, go, go!

Go, Nea, go, go!

Well, my dad was gone.

I didn't think that was right.

I knew something was missing there.

Go! Go!

Sorry, I need a...

Daddy, I'm... I'mma got two medals.

Okay. B-blow your daddy a kiss.

All t-the other kids had

their mom and dad come to,

like, their graduation or whatever

or, like, Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Um...

Sometimes, my dad couldn't make it

or m-my mom was never there.

It was definitely hard and people would wonder, like,

"H-how come your mom's not here?"

I think I remember

just saying like, "Oh, my dad's a rock star.

He's, h-he's away. H's gone."

I think I was like,

I don't think I can change us, this is life.

But I knew that, like...

Sorry.

Everything in me wanted to do

the right things for her and...

But I just, I think deep down inside of me,

I-I knew I was incapable...

of...

being what she needed and deserved.

I get a gulp, like, in my throat

and, like, my heart skips a beat

when I come down this road...

because...

pure evil...

was...

in my life as I traveled these roads.

Had drug dealers come to the house,

bring me stuff and, uh, a lot of emotions

when I come...

when I come here, you know.

Brian would play shows and he'd leave me passes

at the, uh, at the box office.

Have an all-access pass, I'd show up

with a sack of dope and, and we'd use and get high.

I'd bring the meth to him.

Um... And that went on for a few years.

I'd pop in with a sack.

And then I didn't hear from him after that.

I couldn't stop bein'...

bad to my body.

I couldn't stop these addictions.

They would always come back.

The thing about meth, it just like...

It takes you down these roads where you can...

be someone that you're not.

One was awesome.

You know, I'd go off and just for hours

and work with music.

It wasn't defiled, it wasn't...

It just felt pure.

And the other was...

the sexual perversion.

It seemed like millions

of different videos, different categories

just turned on by the sickness of it.

It was, it was like I had become an animal.

Fifteen years.

You just decided to get clean.

- I stopped everything. - Cold turkey?

Mm-hmm.

I was crazy for a year, but nothing'.

No AA, no fucking God, no bullshit.

'Cause everybody's gotta replace it

and all I did was replace it with music.

So what was it like a few years later

when you're watchin' Munky and Regi and--

It was fuckin' entertaining as hell.

I mean, you gotta look at it. I'm in a rock band.

I'm gonna be around drugs and alcohol 24-7.

So you got either fuckin'... You could be a dry drunk,

you could be pissed, and be...

'Cause I've seen other guys that had done that

and they're just miserable, 'cause they can't drink

or you just gotta embrace it, so...

I was out there makin' their drinks, choppin' lines,

rolling joints, doin' everything.

It just... I think I was more addicted to the...

uh, ritual of doin' drugs and drinking

than I was actually partaking in it.

'Cause my hangovers would get so bad,

I couldn't even play sometimes, so...

Um, it was fun.

I'd wake up in the morning and they'd be all hungover

and I'd be... laughin', watchin' 'em do it again.

I was downstream in the gutter too.

I guess more and more every day

just hittin' more bottom even though we're a successful band.

You're just goin', what is this?

The balance starts to kind of tip the other way

where it's like, I feel like shit

because I-I did too much of this, we partied too hard

and then your dreams kind of startin' to fade away

in the distance.

I remember I was on a Korn tour.

I was on that two-year binge.

Yo, daddy.

Vegas right there.

All about money, money, money.

And greed, greed, greed, money, money, money, greed.

Jennea, she came to visit with some friends of ours

that had kids too.

And those people came into my room.

It's really hard to say, but like,

I remember one of the kids turn on the TV.

Now check out daddy's suite. No girls in there though.

The porno came on the TV that I was watching earlier.

All the kids, like, looked at the TV

and all the adults scrambled, "Give me the remote!

You guys, close your eyes, close your eyes!"

I felt the most intense shame.

I just wanted to die, like, right then.

I was just, like, mortified.

I was like, "Who have I become?"

That I would do this to myself,

to my body, to my home, to my daughter?

But I was stuck.

I'd sunk so low into my secrets.

I couldn't live with myself.

You know, that's when I would be on my back,

lookin' up sayin',

"What is the meaning of life?"

Like, "What, what is wrong with my life?

Why can't I have it together?"

- Oh, my God. What... - How's it goin', buddy?

- What's up, my guy? - Thank you guys for...

- Look at this guy. - Oh, my God. Oh.

Dude, I haven't seen you since, like, '05.

- Good to see you, bro. - You too.

- Keep missin' you. - I miss you too.

I never knew the day

you and I met at CoCo's and I gave you the Bible

and we prayed together and you're all...

Had your hoodie on, your glasses on.

I never knew until I read your book that you were high

as a kite that day.

Yeah, I was high every day.

It was like my, my Starbucks.

The coffee shop in Bakersfield

where I met Eric Powers to, uh...

I don't know. I just... He knew I was searching.

I remember he got me a Bible

and he put my name on it, you know.

Whatever they... At the store, they...

put my name on the Bible and so he said,

"If you have any questions about all this stuff,

let me know and we could talk."

And he didn't push. He never pushed.

And that was... I really,

really liked that about him, you know, and...

You know, I was like, "I can't pray and ask Jesus in my heart

when I'm on drugs.

I thought I had to like get off drugs

and then go to church."

You know, it's just, I was just out of my mind.

And I had no concept of what God was like, so...

This is it.

I walked in. I had my hood up.

Had a backpack with me with all the stuff

I could tweak on if I needed whatever.

Um...

I just, I remember feeling that peace.

I-it was weird, 'cause I went from, like,

just total gutter

up all night on meth

and not any sleep and just, you know, trying to hide

u-up here and just feelin' like...

Just a feeling I never felt before, you know. Just a...

There was a drawing of God to his heart.

And it would go away because obviously I was on drugs, but...

You know, but it was just God drawing me in.

And I just checked into a hotel

expecting to be there a week.

I checked out in a day or two.

Walking outside, lookin' at the trees

and the sun and just goin'...

"Why don't I feel horribly? Why am I not sleeping?

Why am I not barkin' someone's head off?

Why am I not in fits of rage?"

Somebody told me, "God wants you to go home

and clean out your house."

I found a first-aid kit.

I opened it

and the 8-ball of crystal meth fell out of it.

I dove into that...

like it was the ocean.

So I was like, "How do I know this is real?"

Like, I was just like...

I was so double-minded and just scattered

'cause of that last binge and everything.

And one of the last nights I was doing drugs, I...

I-I-I started grabbing my Bible.

I got my Bible out again.

I started reading it and flippin' the pages

and it was like the scriptures were, like, goin'

poppin' out at me, talkin' to things in my, in my life

and I was, like, I'd shut it

'cause it'd freak me out, then I'd do it again.

And I was just thinkin', I was like, "How do I know though?"

Like, it just seems too crazy, like...

How many people call Christians brainwashed?

What if I'm gettin' brainwashed and I'm imagining all this?

What if it's drugs that's makin' me think?

All of a sudden, just...

instant, like, eternal hug

and it was a feeling of unconditional love

and forgiveness and it was like God comin' in the room

sayin', "I am real

and I'm the father

of every person on Earth."

And I-I just looked up and I just said, "Father."

For the first time in my life,

I felt like I was home.

It was like a feeling of a spiritual beauty

and purity that was so beautiful

that words can't express it. I'm just trying my best.

The next day...

I threw away all my drugs...

I dropped to my knees and said...

"God...

did I pass the test? Am I too late?

I'm yours. This is it."

The music world is buzzing.

Brian Welch AKA Head

announced he was leaving Korn.

Brian's former bandmates from Korn

declined CNN's request for an interview.

But in a statement said that Korn respects Brian's wishes

and hopes he finds the happiness he's searching for.

One night, I get an e-mail, a long e-mail...

and I read through it and I was like,

"This is crazy. Is this, is this really happening?"

He's like, "Jennea, I'm quitting Korn.

I-I'm gonna stay home," and I'm like...

And I remember my six-year-old mind, I was like...

"Wait, is that even allowed?"

I'm gonna show through my actions

how much I love my fans.

I'm kickin' it off next Sunday a-at Valley Bible.

I'm gonna speak how I got to this place in my life.

You wanna leave the band, fine.

We gotta do this a way where you quietly leave

and don't do all this shit, but he's like,

"No, God's tellin' me to do this and God's tellin..."

I'm like, I'm gonna...

I fucking hate these motherfuckers, man.

"God's not telling, your fucking head's telling you.

Now chill the fuck out."

So he drove his ass down to the radio station

and just announced it right in the middle

of our negotiating the deal.

So I wanted to kill this motherfucker.

I was on drugs in this church even

couple of times, I was...

I had addiction to... meth.

Methamphetamine.

I think that was an act of love...

for himself and his daughter.

Mainly for his daughter.

I came to a point, I was like,

I didn't wanna live and I was just goin',

"Why don't I wanna live? I got, I got the car I want,

the house I want.

You know, I got everything I want, don't I?"

Then there's, that's how God talks to you.

He's like, "No."

But I got everything I want.

Look at, look at my bank account.

I can't even keep it all in there.

"No."

And then, um...

And here I am. I'm so happy.

You know, when he did, we're like it didn't matter.

We're like, "Let's press on. Let's...

We're gonna be even better, one guitar player, we're gonna..."

And just had this attitude t-to still do it and make it.

A long time, I hated his ass. I was like...

This is just not cool.

What the fuck happened to my fuckin' band?

"Bad Reputation" by Joan Jett

♪ I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation ♪

♪ You're living in the past it's a new generation ♪

♪ A girl can do what she wants to do ♪

♪ And that's what I'm gonna do ♪

♪ And I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation ♪

I'm on fire for the Lord

and everyone's gonna watch me burn.

Burn in a good way.

♪ And I don't really care if you think I'm strange ♪

♪ I ain't gonna change ♪

♪ And I'm never gonna care 'bout my bad reputation ♪

♪ Whoa no no no no no no ♪

♪ Not me me me me me me me ♪

♪ Whoa no no no no no no ♪

♪ Not me me me me me me me ♪

♪ Pedal boys ♪

♪ Whoa no no no no no no ♪

♪ Not me me me me me me me ♪♪

Sellin' all of them?

Since he played so good, um, he won those.

It was from MTV.

They're just awards.

That conversation with Jennea

when I told her that I was gonna,

that I quit my band

and I was gonna be home with her

was just like...

Her face just lit up and she was just, like,

takin' it all in, like...

Never in her life did she have a parent home.

One that wasn't gonna leave.

I didn't really r-remember my mom when I was younger.

I...

I knew she was out there, but I didn't really...

I, I don't know.

I pictured some...

I don't know, some, like, dirty blond-haired,

like, tall woman in, like, a cardigan

and like a skirt, like a long skirt.

I don't know why, like the ideal mom.

But she came in her, like, miniskirt

and, like, the tattoos and she's like, "Ah!"

I love you so much.

So...

So that was that.

You know, you think

you're makin' the, the best choices for...

for your daughter and everything and it's just like...

It's just hard, man. It's just...

'Cause I was, like, following God.

I was like, I wanted...

I wanted to go to where I needed to be

to get to my destiny in Him...

and I also wanted to be a good father.

But I immediately started makin' bad choices after I quit Korn.

I was like, I hired a nanny.

And I'm like, "Here, take care of my daughter,

I'm gonna go write music."

That guy was fucked up on speed and of course,

he's gonna naturally do that. It's...

He found his thing to make him stop.

So I'm sure he was gonna go 150 percent into it

because he's just so fucked up on the other thing.

And it's good. I-if you use religion

to get off somethin' harmful, then that's...

Go for it. Don't think, I just have...

My problem with Christians and Christianity

is their fuckin' assimilation tactics.

Everybody's out to assimilate you into their fold.

You know, "You're fuckin' goin' to hell

and you need Jesus and..."

It's just fucking irritating.

Nobody wants to hear that shit.

If they're lookin' for it, they'll go find it.

- I'm home. - Hi.

- Hey. - Good to see you again.

I told Phil, "You know what?

I need to go to church so that I understand

what's happening to him."

Because I don't understand how can anybody do this.

How can you change so suddenly?

I was really scared.

Brian, pour some chips in there

and we'll just put a bowl of chips on.

Eventually, uh, Phil started going to church with me.

And then... Because of the same reason.

He was bothered by the fact that Brian, um,

was so suddenly...

a Christian.

I spent most of my life until Brian's conversion...

as kind of an agnostic.

Maybe there is, maybe there isn't, I don't know.

God, our Father, who art in heaven,

we're so blessed to have our son here for a short visit.

Uh, we miss him, he's gone a lot.

We thank You for all of your blessings.

Please bless this food we're about to eat.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

- Amen. - Amen.

I feel better about myself.

I don't, I don't get his...

riled up and uptight...

kind of go with the flow, you know.

God's in control.

I woke up at, uh, at 5:20, went runnin'.

The watch that Fred Durst bought me.

From Limp Bizkit. I appreciate the gift,

but I'm not about diamonds or money or nothin' anymore.

Man, how do I pay a phone bill?

In other words, living in the Holy Land

will not make them holy.

Hey, Jennea, get down, please.

Alright, every time I listen to it, I cry.

He was there with me when I did it.

So no one can ever...

Can I, can I call a bunch of friends?

- No. - Please.

Jennea, just give me someone you wanna call right now.

Like, I said, when I was up there, I'm not afraid

of nothin', man. Today proved it again.

I used to be afraid!

I moved to Phoenix just to get away from everything.

I wanted to start over.

I was like, "Jesus, I want you to be my role model.

I want you to take me, do anything you want to my life."

When I moved from Bakersfield,

I had a few million dollars in the bank.

I was off on a mission, to help the world to use that money,

to change the world.

And so in 2009, I lost, I lost my Beamer.

I lost... It had 22-inch rims.

It was like I had to relearn everything

with this faith that I was living with.

I got cheated out of that Christian guy.

He was actually a gangster from New York.

And when he did business, he'd rip people off.

His family was like in the mafia type of stuff.

I lost everything. I lost my house.

Every company that I chose to get involved with

crashed and burned within like three or four years.

And I got to a point in 2009 where I was looking for quarters

in my drawers to buy my daughter lunch at school.

He had been physical, punching holes in walls

and like screaming and like...

saying like, "Eff you, God! Why did you do this to me?"

I was just irresponsible for Jennea.

You just give me somethin', just give me somethin'.

I open my bible and I land on the scripture,

like if you have food and clothing, be content with that.

I'm like, "Dang it!"

I wasn't scared.

I was more... sad.

And my spirit's fighting to live in faith.

So it was like a baby, you know.

You take away the bottle,

all of a sudden, the baby...

I guess I didn't understand why he did those things.

I end up puttin' down my first Christian record,

I start a label and I'm like,

"I'm gonna get a Christian band signed

and I'm gonna get the word out there.

Finally, God, after all that stuff."

The record company...

You know, it took a couple of years

to untangle the web of just knots

and it was just like a, a world of, like, negativity

that was just...

tryin' to hold on to you for dear life,

that was just tryin' to bring me down,

but I was in Nashville startin' a new life.

It was like a different planet.

It was almost like a fresh start.

I assumed things were gonna be different.

But I realized that it was...

it was hard letting go...

of friends and what-not,

so that made it harder to accept

that the change was good.

She just couldn't connect with anybody and...

and it just got worse from then on and...

she just became more withdrawn and...

Of course, a lot of things did affect me.

Like, my mom being gone

and my dad not being the most...

emotionally-dependable.

Her life was so unlike...

every other girl in this neighborhood

that it was hard for her to relate to those girls

and for those girls to relate to her.

So that brings about insecurities,

doubt, fear.

It's hard bein' a young girl.

I can only imagine how hard it is bein' a young girl

of a single dad

on the road on tour.

Things got worse for her.

So why don't I try takin' her on the road?

She would do her homework at like 3 a.m. some nights

and just we'd crash at, like, 4. We are in a van.

People offered her drugs a couple of times.

It was just like... I can't win.

Life was awful.

I didn't wanna feel this way,

but I did.

And so I tried other things

that I felt like would feel better and would help.

But it, like, made it worse.

It sunk back.

The truth was that I was hurting.

And that I didn't know why, and I wanted someone to help me.

He called me one day

and I remember his voice.

There was determination,

fear and love, all combined.

And basically, he was, he was asking for help and guidance,

uh, with his daughter.

I've made a mess out of my life.

Um, I'm reborn.

My daughter is...

is lost in this world that I've created for her.

Well, I think it was the shock value.

- I really do. - Right.

And she was trying to cover the pain

and the vulnerability

with the, the shock and the hardness

and the rock and roll and, you know...

I went from like one of the biggest rock stars to...

an out-of-work single dad.

I've always struggled with anger

even after I became a Christian

and I wasn't...

a perfect father by any means.

I almost mimicked my dad.

Like, I, I got physical.

I flipped tables.

I would have bursts of rage with her,

just with life, because I was stressed out

tryin' to hold on to faith.

I guess I kind of learned that he did to take off frustration,

I picked up too.

Because I didn't know of any other way.

We were home after a tour

and she was just like,

we were fighting and I was blowin' up.

I ransacked the house.

I screamed, "Eff you!"

"Eff you! I effin' hate you!"

She just started fallin'...

fallin' down a deeper hole

from then on to, uh,

you know, depression...

suicidal thoughts,

sayin' suggestive things that

no father wants their teenage daughter

to say online for everyone to read.

I told him we need to have a plan

and, and we need a nuclear button.

The nuclear option was to find a facility

that Jennea could go to

and live in and learn life skills

with loving people and peers around her.

One day she got so mad...

she says, "I cut myself because of you"

and starts bursting into tears.

Puberty,

social media experimentation,

discovering who she was

without having

any consistent friends her age around.

I mean, she was freefalling.

I just wanted someone to realize I'm hurting.

I'm here, I'm, I am aching. What do I do?

It's gonna be tough

because Jennea's still gonna be on tour with you.

We can do Skype sessions.

And we can do it once a week.

But basically, it's going to be like...

small cups of water

we're trying to get out of the sinking boat

when buckets of water are just being poured in.

I just got out of the shower and I looked at myself

and I just started crying and I was bawling.

And I said, "I effin' hate you. You're a whore."

I had heard if you drink enough soap, it would kill you.

And so I drink a bunch of soap and...

Sorry, I need a...

She's like, "I hate you. I hate you and I hate my life.

I wanna die."

And all of it was hitting the ground

with her at one time.

We had to stop it.

And I would just be like at the point,

I'm gonna just like, "Fuck you, God.

Who are you? Like, why didn't you let me die from the drugs?

Like, everything's goin' wrong. Like, I try all this stuff.

I follow you, I give, I give to the poor.

I, I...

I did, I gave up everything for you.

And now my daughter's cutting herself."

I have, like, I can't control my rage. I'm stressed out.

I have nobody that wants to come to the concerts.

I'm just like fuck it all.

♪ Stop in the name of love ♪

♪ Before you break my heart ♪

I love you so much, you know that?

I really, really, really do.

The camera? I'll tell the whole world.

I'll get on my knees and tell you

I love you, Jennea. I'll kiss your foot.

During Christmas 2012,

she cut her arms from here to all the way up to here.

Shoulder to wrist, both arms, while we were at my mom's

and it just, like, freaked me out.

That's when I set into motion

to take her to Awakening Youth

ran by Tiffany and Travis.

She just was broken.

Broken into pieces and she was just falling,

and it was like, "Give your dad a hug. Goodbye."

That was rough, man.

She's all he has.

She's all he has.

And so to, um...

to put all that you have somewhere else...

is really hard.

I cried.

When he said he was gonna take her to that school

and I knew, but it was the thing to do.

Yeah, exactly, he had to do that.

I was so sad that it had come to that point.

Because when he took her to that school,

it was basically an intervention.

And, uh..

she flipped out, of course.

It was weird

not getting my way, if that makes sense.

It was...

it was humbling, of course,

but it was like, "Well, she's not going to give in."

That's weird.

I challenge them.

Like I said with Brian,

you're inviting me into your life.

Like, you're not, this isn't a service. This isn't a...

You know, I'm not just gonna, this isn't a nanny.

This is, like, a life experience.

We're-we're joining in this together

for your daughter's benefit, for her life.

She needed a mother figure...

in her life, and not that Tiffany's her mother at all,

but, like, it's a female

who is speaking nothing

but strengthening stuff into her life.

And loving her with tough love...

and feminine love...

all at once that she needs, you know,

in order to make her a stronger person.

She was very confrontational in the beginning

that we would try to take her mother or her father's place.

There is a context, there is a mom.

Uh, there was a love story.

I don't think I-I can read it.

You don't think... Would you like me to read it?

It's okay.

"Mom, hi.

Dad told me that you have tried to contact me.

I feel that it's best that we aren't in contact right now.

There have been many situations in my life

where I have been disappointed by you.

And I think that it's best for both of us

to focus on ourselves

and what we have right in front of us.

I'm not mad at you and I do not have hard feelings against you.

I just think that this is the most beneficial option for me

and you.

Take care of Elanah and you

and focus on being her rock in her life.

Sincerely, Jennea."

I am, I'm truly at peace, like, with all that.

Like, I think, I think I communicated,

like, what I needed to be, so...

This is, uh, kind of a death-taking place

but like a new life is birthing, too, and it's...

If you think about birth, it's, it's always, uh,

messy and painful,

but then afterwards you get to hold a miracle.

Being away from my dad is definitely hard.

Like, you can't deny the fact that it is emotional.

And even right now I think I'm gonna cry

'cause I kind of miss him, I don't wanna be away from him.

But for this period of time,

I cannot be... successful

being with him 24-7.

We went through guitar players

and guitar players and guitar...

No one's ever gonna fill that role

until somebody can come

that can bring it like Head did

and have moves like a rock star like Head does,

and have the presence that he had.

All those things have to be better than what he was

before anybody comes out on that stage right there.

Never happened.

It was really hard.

When Brian left the band, it was...

all joking aside, I was devastated, I really was.

Really, it was like a three-legged dog

kind of hopping along the side of the freeway.

That's how it felt without him there.

He was just funny as Head, just...

When he'd walk in the room, he'd light it up

and he'd just walk across the room

and not, like, think things over

just like a cartoon character.

I mean, that's the most thing I missed about him.

Being without him on the road, I didn't have any of that.

It was just like, you know, normalcy.

I was on tour with Love And Death

opening for P.O.D.

They had some shows at a rock festival

and I was like, "Let me take Jennea

to the show with you guys."

Korn actually was the band headlining.

I didn't let that stop me.

All of a sudden, me and my dad

were walking towards Munky's bus.

Reggie goes, "We're putting you on Munk's bus right now."

And it was kind of funny, I was there witnessing

the whole thing and we're like, "Wow.

Hope they come out huggin' and not swingin', you know."

At this point, I've been sober for a couple years

and I was feeling like,

you know, like I could sit down and talk with him one-on-one

and have a... just a normal, catch up.

I didn't care about the band, I-I didn't...

Only thing I cared about is making sure I had

his phone number, so we could call each other, you know.

Just asking forgiveness for everything, you know,

just 'cause we've known each other so long.

Kind of emotional, you know, it was crazy.

I understood. The moment I saw his face,

I was like, "Wow, it all made sense."

Jennea was with him

reminding me that she's here with him

because that's why he had to leave

and-and then, that-that just stays in the back your mind

when you're sitting there havin' a conversation.

Then they come out laughing

and that was a huge ice breaker right there.

- Here we go, boys. - Does he know?

- No. - Can I hang out?

Dude, come on. I'm buying.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- You hear that? - Mm-hm.

Brian Head Welch getting up

to play "Blind" with us.

Over 30,000 peeps in North Cackalacky.

"Blind" by Korn

I wanna bring out one of my truest

and oldest and most beloved old friends.

My boy!

You guys ready to get crazy?

This is where it all began, people!

♪ Are you ready? ♪

"Blind" by Korn

♪ Oh ♪

♪ There's a place inside my brain ♪

♪ Another kind of pain ♪♪

It seemed it might set him high again,

'cause usually it's just Reggie there

and now he was up there.

It just felt really good, it felt right.

It felt like the band is like...

and everything was right.

And, uh, all I can do

was just fucking cry, man.

I don't know, just one of those things that just,

you just know, you know, like for some reason,

it was not right for, like, eight years

and then it just opened up.

God opened the doors up and it was just right.

God bless you. Goodnight, people, we love you!

I could tell that there was,

like he just felt... happy.

I went home, got a phone call from Munky.

He said, "Hey, we're going to start writing a record."

I... He was, "I don't want to make this about you coming back,

because I love to see you as my old friend

and I love to be reconnected with you, so...

But i-if you feel like you wanna do this,

door's open, let us know."

I was, like, "Well, are you gonna do it?"

I finally flew down there

to get together with them.

It was instantly, like, just...

a positive energy in the room.

We went and ate at my parents' house, all of us.

Like old friends just eating dinner together,

breaking bread, you know, and...

Wrote with them another month and just hung out

and wrote down and...

and it just got better, and better, and better.

It's just, it's amazing.

We hadn't hung out in a long time, so...

just being able to hang out with him,

I could see how he really was.

Then there is no problem.

He's not a preachy motherfucker at all.

All I can say is God has a plan

and it could be the simple thing

of grabbing these five guys together,

become best friends again.

Now it's, like, it's deeper.

We're stronger when we're all together, for sure.

And, um, I don't know what it is,

but this thing has become bigger than us.

Okay, my life as I knew it is changing,

and for a teenager, that's like catastrophic.

Whereas for you and I, it's like, "Okay,

this is only for a little while."

An adult kind of wait it out.

For them, it's like, "Oh, my goodness,

this is this huge life-changing event..."

I was not for him going back to Korn.

Like, if this isn't right for your daughter,

if we tell you that you need to leave, then you'll leave.

I'm not gonna get attached to this kid

and build this relationship and, and all of this

if you're gonna do something destructive

or you're gonna self-destruct or, you know...

And Brian very humbly said, "Absolutely, I left it once,

I'll leave it again."

"I left it once, I'll leave it again."

I know you're not a little girl,

but we'll do something fun.

- I just wanted to... - Thanks.

He has matured amazingly.

Him even managing his emotions

and him learning how to talk to me

and taking the time to...

That's really important for me, is that he...

No matter if he's in, I don't know...

Germany or some other place,

he will make time for me.

♪ T-shirt rolled up to his shoulders ♪

♪ Six-inch sideburns and a pompadour ♪

Old lady with a diaper...

♪ A two-pack habit ♪

♪ Pushing a baby stroller ♪

♪ My daddy was a rock and roller ♪

♪ My daddy was ♪

♪ A rock and roller ♪

Oh, my God!

♪ My daddy was ♪

♪ A rock and roller ♪

♪ Hoo ♪

♪ Hoo ♪

♪ Hoo ♪

♪ Hoo ♪♪

♪ Or probably driving down the street ♪

♪ I said we're driving ♪

♪ We're driving driving driving around the street ♪♪

Told us that he was gonna start working with Korn again.

I think we were both happy.

That that's where he needed to be.

There was some trepidation about...

can he do this?

So am I picking you up in my bus, right?

Sorry. You're gonna see people...

It wouldn't make sense if I was doing awful

and he was doing good or if he was doing awful

and I was doing good.

It's like, this, this works for now.

Like, I'm cool with this.

There's a time that you have to walk away

and you have to go...

and let God cleanse your soul.

It's like on Halloween,

when we get the, the pumpkins and we scoop out all the guts

and that stuff, and put the candle, that light in there.

He-he scooped out all that crap out of me for eight years

and, and he put that light inside of me, you know.

That's what needed to happen and now I'm going back.

By the leading of the Lord to my people

to hang out with them.

I'll tell you the truth, I didn't see it,

and I understand people that are concerned

and stuff like that, you know.

Some people are just hateful and they're like,

"Oh, I guess the dog's returning to his vomit."

I'm just being me.

Yeah!

♪ I'll never ♪

Oklahoma City, you all still with us?

♪ I'm never gonna love again ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Never never never ♪

Sing it!

♪ Aa-aa-aa-ah ♪

♪ I'll never love again ♪

♪ Never gonna have to try to pretend ♪

♪ Never never never ♪♪

You, too. Love you, man. Good seeing you.

You know how girls get when they're teenagers.

Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

Yeah, dude. Heck, yeah.

This is what happened three and a half years ago.

Lord, this is not a joke, this stuff right here.

You know, some people walk away, some people laugh at this stuff,

I know I was one of them, but you are so real

and I'm asking you right now in front of all these people

that you'd become real to these people,

'cause you are the best high ever.

And it's about, that we are jacked up, all of us,

and that we need you to forgive us,

so just, so just come in

and let them feel forgiven,

let them feel brand-new and give them wings to fly

the rest of their lives in Jesus' name.

Amen.

Love you, guys. Yeah.

It all seems to make sense in my mind.

God puts us through things

so we can be prepared for the next thing.

He's been fathering her over there

and he's gifting her

and she's blossoming

into this person that...

Yeah, he's teaching her that he's-he's her father.

God does a lot better than me as dad, you know.

But I'm her dad, too, you know.

I'm-I'm like little D.

We got the straps, okay?

Ally, dress is taken care of, it's too big.

Um, straps for Maddy G.

I have always wanted this

in my life.

Normal friends, normal... home,

normal times where I do things.

I finally have it.

Like, I finally got what I asked for.

So, Jennea, of everything

that's gonna happen tomorrow,

like, what's the one thing that you're, like,

most excited about?

Oh, my gosh.

Um...

I think what I'm most excited about

would have to be seeing my dad.

Um, but...

I'm really excited to dance.

Like any other young teenager,

I struggled with low self-esteem and peer pressure.

Those things really took a toll on me

and I found myself at a rock bottom.

And words cannot express

how grateful I am

and how much growth I have gone through

and how much transformation and healing I have gone through.

God has completely shown Himself to me

and it's been amazing.

You know, God allows things to come into your life

to feel like it's crushing you...

because it squeezes out all of the impurities.

That's how you get cleaned in your soul.

I see that now.

It is just like if you could just hang on there,

just hang to watch what I do...

I'm gonna restore all things.

You guys can go home now.

♪ Promises that I made ♪

♪ You should ignore ♪

♪ The future that I painted ♪

♪ I can't afford ♪

♪ I know that it seems ♪

♪ That I left you no choice ♪

♪ I fell down on my knees ♪

♪ And I begged your forgiveness ♪

♪ Consequences of a lie ♪

♪ Failed redemption though I tried ♪

♪ Maybe someday ♪

♪ I'll get it right ♪

♪ So I'm sorry to say ♪

♪ I didn't want it all ♪

♪ Sorry to wake you ♪

♪ I didn't need it all ♪

♪ I never wanted it ♪

♪ To hurt ♪

♪ No ♪♪

Korn! Korn! Korn! Korn! Korn! Korn!

Korn! Korn! Korn! Korn! Korn! Korn!

Korn! Korn! Korn! Korn!