Original subtitles

I'm requisitioning some demons.

- Oh, yeah. - I have full authorization from Beelzebub.

I can launch a demonic invasion upon London.

Demons?

I want only the worst, I want the worst of the worst, I want killers.

Mm-hmm.

Right, so how many?

10,000 demons.

Sorry, I thought you said 10,000.

- Are you actually going through with this? - Indeed, I am.

Can I watch?

Oh, that's most appropriate.

I'll need you to bring that with you tonight.

- Mm-hmm? - Oh, it's very important.

'Cause I'll need musicians at the Whickber Street Traders and Shopkeepers Association

monthly meeting this evening.

I trust we'll see you there, with your harpsichord.

Erm... no, thank you.

There will be sandwiches.

I went to one meeting ten years ago,

they were wittering on about the Christmas lights

and passed a resolution condemning the improper use

of apostrophes on signs in windows.

There is literally nothing that would get me there tonight.

I see...

Very well.

You leave me with no alternative.

I have... at the back of my bookshop...

a 1965 Doctor Who Annual.

There was no 1965 Doctor Who Annual.

The first one was covered in 1966. Publish...

September 1965.

The 1965 Annual was indeed never printed,

due to problems at the BBC.

Mine...

is the only known proof copy.

You'll let me look at it?

If you are at the meeting this evening, with perhaps a quartet of musicians?

I'll let you have it.

You just did what I think you did?

I'm not prepared to talk about it.

- You gave away a book. - I had to.

Maggie and Nina are depending on me.

They just don't know it yet.

A thousand...

blood-thirsty demons.

We are in Hell.

I have authorization from Beelzebub.

You can have authorization from Satan himself love,

if I don't have them I can't send them over.

I'll give you a malignant and creeping sense of unease if you like.

Why would I want a creep?

Five hundred.

There must be 500 foot soldiers.

What they for?

Attacking a bookshop.

Don't tell anybody, but we may be battling angels.

I'll do you 100.

- What's... - It has just dropped to 70.

I'll take them.

Hello.

What can I do you gentleman for?

It's about the monthly shopkeepers meeting, tonight.

Under no circumstances can I there be for tonight.

It is my wedding anniversary

and I am taking my beloved spouse out to dinner.

I have a first edition

of S. W. Erdnase's Expert at the Card Table.

- You've got a first edition? - It was Erdnase's own copy.

He signed it with his real name.

And annotated it.

- How much? - It's not for sale.

However...

if you come to the meeting tonight,

I might be willing

to lend it to you.

I'll tell the spouse something came up

Bring them along too.

I can promise you, it will be quite a night.

Hello, Ms. Cheng.

There is a meeting tonight...

The Street Traders?

Yes, Mr. Cheng and I will be there. What time does it start?

6:30.

See you there! Have a good day!

Greetings.

Listen to me now.

Oh, legions of hell.

Our mission...

Excuse me?

What is it?

Erm...

A legion is like,

about 6,000 demons.

Yes, I know.

Tonight, we launch an attack,

unprecedented in its audacity,

unique in its...

Yes, what?

Technically, we're only about...

one seventy-fifth of a legion.

I know,

but what we lack in numbers,

we make up for in ferocity.

And...

- Scariness? - No.

Lost it now.

Ferocity and...

danger!

Ascertain,

for we are demons and they are but poultry humans.

So we're not going up against Angels, then?

Because he said we were going up against Angels.

- Who said that? - Fofo.

- Is it true? - We are going to Earth.

To London.

To storm a bookshop.

Mr. Phale, I speak fluent English.

I've been living here for 15 years.

Excellent.

Well... Erm...

Mr. Phale, if it's about the street traders meeting,

I can be there, but only until seven,

as we start to get really busy then.

Yes, 6:30. See you there.

So you can guarantee no Angels, then?

Some of those Angels are right dangerous bastards.

We could be permanently discorporated.

What I can guarantee you,

sunshine,

is, if you interrupt me one more time,

you will regret it forever.

Understood?

You speak every language in the world,

- we both do. - Yes.

- So what's with the French? - Oh, I learned that, pfft... the hard way.

I went to Monsieur Rossignol's night classes in 1760.

You don't have an aunt, she doesn't have a gardener, he doesn't have a pen.

But you understood me.

Only because for 250 years you've been wittering on about

the plume of your imaginary taunt.

Bravo. Just enjoying the show.

Ah. Erm...

Street Association meeting tonight at 6:30 in my shop,

perfectly ordinary invitation with no hidden agenda of any kind.

Are they going to talk about the Christmas lights? Because I have things to say.

- Yes. - I'll be there.

He's never hosted a meeting, ever. Why the change of heart?

He's unpredictable.

He's discovered his civic obligations.

You've been together long?

- Who? - You and your partner.

Oh, no, no, it's not... it's not like that.

It certainly looks like that from here.

Oh so you've just recently hooked up.

- No, we... - You got a husband?

Or a boyfriend? Is the book selling your bit on the side?

He's not my bit on the side.

I'm far too pure of heart to be anybody's bit on the side.

- He's just an angel, I know. - If you say so.

But then again, other people's love lives

always seem so much more straightforward than our own.

We leave at nightfall.

Masks will be provided for those who can't...

blend in.

We use the big transporter.

- Erm... - What? What is it?

The big transporter is out of service.

We'll have to use the little transporter, one at a time.

Or take the stairs.

We take the stairs.

Do you want a glass?

I'm at work and I have a meeting.

I need to prepare for... why don't you wait inside?

- You like waiting inside. - I don't think so.

You've got an amnesiac Archangel hiding out in your bookshop.

I spent last night worrying if he's going to wake up.

What if he remembers who he is, what if he's faking it?

He could smite me. When Gabriel smites you, you've been...

- Smited? Smut? - Smitten.

I believe. You're being silly.

It's perfectly safe. He's not...

you know who, any long... well, I mean, he is, but...

Have you thought of just talking to him?

Actually, I will.

Fuck!

Let there be light.

Hello, Gabriel.

Neat.

- But I'm... - Oh, yeah, yeah, no, no, no.

You're Jim now.

Got everything just the way you wanted?

Oh, yes, Mr. Phale's been very good to me.

Hasn't he just? Surprising, really,

given that the last time you two met

you tried to destroy him.

- I... I don't remember that. - No, Jim? Oh.

Well, Mr. Phale doesn't remember it either.

He wasn't there, you see.

- He wasn't there? - Long story, but...

I was there.

And I do remember,

oh, very clearly, the look on your face, Archangel Gabriel.

When you told my only friend to shut his stupid mouth and die.

And I...

did not...

care for it.

I don't think that was me,

but I'm very sorry.

I hope I'm not causing too much trouble now.

More bad news for you then, Jimmy boy.

You're making him risk his entire existence

- for you. - Oh, dear.

I really am sorry.

- Is there anything I can do? - Oh, yeah.

Now.

Jump out of that window.

All right.

Stop!

Ugh, get down.

Well, if you're really not him,

what are you?

I don't know, I feel...

like,

an empty...

- house. - A house?

Yes, a house someone lived for a very long time,

but now they're gone

and the house can sort of tell where the things used to be.

Like when I remembered how it all began.

When you first arrived, you said you were here

because they were planning to do something terrible to you.

So you remembered it then.

Remember it now.

It hurts to remember. My head isn't built for that.

I know, do it anyway.

- It's not, I don't have my memory. - Well, where is your memory, then?

In a matchbox.

No, I took it out, first.

- You took your memory out of a matchbox? - Yes, that's right.

I took it out and I put it in the box and I brought it here.

- And it's... - Yes?

- Everywhere. - Ah, what else do you remember?

If it happens again I can make it seem like it's an institutional problem.

- What? - I don't know, I'm just...

I know, looking at where the furniture isn't.

Do you...

want a hot chocolate?

So what have you learnt about the miracle?

I'm in the process of verifying it, but, of course,

you can only tell if people are in love by waiting a few days,

because humans are weird and that's how it works.

I knew that. Any leads on Gabriel?

Oh, right. Well...

he's definitely not in the shop.

Does that count as a lead? It is just Aziraphale.

- The traitor? - Yes.

He seemed very...

- Traitorous. - Hmm...

- And his grumpy friend, Mr. Crowley. - The demon.

Oh, I suppose that explains the grumpiness.

Oh, and, of course, his...

assistant?

- But I don't think I saw him. - His assistant?

- He doesn't have an assistant. - No.

Sorry, I don't know why I said that.

Does he? Does he?

Didn't we meet a someone, something...

- about... books? - No, no.

Aziraphale himself, he likes books.

Yes.

Of course.

Yes?

I don't know if it helps, but...

at one point Mr. Phale and Mr...

I mean, the traitor and the demon,

had a secret meeting about what to do next.

Ah.

And?

- What? - What did they say?

Oh, I didn't listen. They said it was private.

Thank you.

- You're really nice. - Don't thank me.

And I'm not.

Oh, nobody would believe you anyway.

- What are you doing? - Just making space for...

everything that needs to happen.

You're up to something, I can smell it. What are you planning?

Wait and see.

Wait and see? Do you have any idea how irritating that is?

Yes, now, if you're going to stand here and just carp,

perhaps you could check in on Nina or Maggie

and make sure they are on their way.

I don't know why you invited me, Mr. Phale.

Well, you are a Whickber Street trader, Mrs. Sandwich.

- And a pillar of the community. - That's as may be.

But it's the after work rush and the several regulars gonna need seeing to.

I'm sure you young ladies know what to do by now.

- Well, if you put it like that. - I've never asked,

what exactly is it that they do do?

They stand on their own two feet.

Like the government said.

Ah.

Just here to tell you the Street Traders Association meeting is starting now.

I never miss a meeting, I'll be there.

Not a problem.

Seats? Mr. Phale, where are the seats I dropped off for the meeting?

- No point. - No point?

We'd only have to move them away again when the dancing begins, wouldn't we?

Better to keep them for later.

Dancing?

"Give me coffee or give me death"

Funny name for a coffee shop.

Everything else was taken, what do you want?

- Just to remind you about the... - The meeting? I'm not coming.

- You have to. - No, I don't. My...

My partner, Lindsay, has texted

and it's now my former partner.

And I'm buggered if I'm gonna talk about the stupid Christmas lights tonight,

so I'm going home and gonna drink myself senseless and have a good cry.

- in an empty flat. - Don't do that.

- Why not? - It may not be safe. Something's going on.

Something's wrong.

Well, lots of things are wrong right now,

but right now it's coming in waves.

- Like a hangover. - I'm going home.

You'd be safer in there. My friend wouldn't let anything happen to you.

Jeez, for once in your life trust somebody.

- You're weird. - Arg, do it!

I'm going mad.

For my dear, it is Nina, purveyor of coffee for all our needs.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Ah, bonsoir. It is, how do you say, a fine night for dancing.

Justine, what's going on?

Why, our good mistress coffee seller.

Tonight is a meeting of the Whickber Street Traders

and shopkeepers Association.

We all are partaking of the hospitality of Mr. Phale.

Hello, would you like to try one of these tiny little dinners? They are free.

Ah, Nina!

Oh, I'm so glad you are here.

The dancing is about to begin.

I know I'm really upset, why don't I feel upset?

Ah, no long faces tonight.

I just want to see you young people enjoying yourselves.

Dancing?

Well, it wouldn't be a Shopkeepers Association meeting

without dancing, would it?

Look, I don't know what's going on but your friend said I was in danger

and now I'm in here and you're all acting...

- And I'm losing my fucking mind. - Well, now you're here,

that's the main thing. You're definitely safe

in here.

Excellent eventide to you, mistress Nina,

I trust we'll tread a measure together

before tonight's Shopkeepers Association meeting is over.

I just wanted to talk about the Christmas lights

Who are you?

Who sent you?

You're demons.

Junior bottom of the barrel demons,

practically the damp.

What are you doing here? What are any of you doing here?

You can't just manifest and cause trouble, there are rules.

- Give us the Angel. - We want Gabriel.

You are out of order!

What exactly is your profession?

I'm a seamstress.

Indeed a worthy craft.

No, I'm not a seamstress.

I'm a seamstress.

The devil take it.

- A seamstress. - What, in short?

- You are a seamstress. - No, I'm not a benighted seamstress.

I'm a God forsaken...

seamstress.

Why can I not say the word seamstress.

Perhaps if you were to describe the profession.

Nah, the very thing, I thank you.

Well, when a gentleman finds himself

in want of the tender attentions of a wife,

he may take himself to my establishment

and there have his pick of a fine stable of ladies

all able and willing to mend his shirt

or darn his socks

or even... sew on a button.

But that's extra, and all the girls do it.

Oh.

A seamstress.

- What are you doing? - I told you.

Jane Austen. We're having a Ball.

I've gotta talk to you, it's important.

I'm afraid I'm hosting a business meeting,

I'll be with you in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Have a vol-au-vent.

- This is something new. - This is something completely bonkers.

Why is everyone talking like they just came from Pride and Prejudice?

Just getting into the spirit of things, I suppose.

Spirit of what things?

This is meant to be the Shopkeepers Association monthly meeting.

Oh, yes.

Well, when you put it like that.

Are we dancing?

Yes.

Did you ever learn the steps to this dance?

It's just what we do, isn't it?

No. No, it isn't.

This is something mad.

This is their fault.

They are doing this.

I am an assistant book seller, these are not books.

They are good old pieces of food and I am not selling them,

I'm giving them away.

Then most certainly we must indulge ourselves.

Oh.

Oh, great...

We shall want another one presently.

It is seldom indeed that our little village has the fortune to welcome one so

amiable, so gentile and, if you'll allow me sir, so well made,

in form and feature.

This, it's neat,

isn't it? I'm still working out all the things it can do.

I discovered a new one in bed last night.

Would you like me to show you?

I must confess you interests us strangely.

Here, here, watch, watch, watch.

Making a blend is one thing, but a Ball with,

look there's something wrong. There is something really wrong.

Well, perhaps you could tell me

while we dance.

We don't dance.

Doors opening. Earth.

How sweet.

They're having a party.

- What do we do? - I'm not sure.

Not having a very good day. My partner, Lindsay,

has gone.

Was it my fault?

What? No.

Not really.

That night was the last straw of...

it's been coming for a long time.

I don't think Lindsay actually liked me very much.

- And, well, I know I'm hard work. - I...

I mean...

I'm not afraid of hard work.

Hell has sent demons.

They are milling around outside, they want Gabriel.

We're perfectly safe in here.

Technically, this bookshop still counts as an embassy.

I think you need to stop this charade

and we need to work out what to do.

I am not giving them Jim.

People will get hurt, angel.

I think you're overestimating how much trouble we're actually in.

Well...

Oh.

Oh, dear.

- "Surrender the Angle." - Yeah, erm...

Spelling not their strong point, they meant to say...

Surrender the Angel.

Send out Gabriel.

- Nobody gets too badly hurt. - Out of the question.

Might I remind you,

that this bookshop is technically an independent embassy.

Being a former outpost of Heaven,

- and as such... - You're an outlaw Aziraphale.

You have no protection.

I have a legion of demons

by my side.

And I have no intention of harming you,

only the humans here with you.

You have 60 seconds to hand over the Archangel Gabriel

before we begin to kill people.

Excuse me.

Fifty seconds.

What do you say?

This is all because of me, isn't it?

Those people want me,

don't they?

You came to me,

I said I would protect you,

and I will.

You don't need to.

I'm going out.

I'm here.

I'm who you want.

I think.

It's me.

I don't know what you're doing, but you're in my way.

Send out the Angel now, or everyone in the bookshop gets it.

- I mean it! - Hi.

Listen.

The Angel Gabriel is...

apparently, me.

But I'm also Jim, which is short for James, but also Gabriel.

Will you shut up?

Get back in there right now, this minute.

And you tell that ass Aziraphale

and that arch traitor Crowley

that unless they send out the Angel Gabriel now,

they are toast.

T-O-S-T

E.

Toast. Now.

What happened?

They told me to come back and tell you to send out the Angel.

Of course they did.

Ah. We needed a miracle to make sure nobody know it's him.

Now nobody knows it's him.

- Nice one, ass. - Excuse me, Mr. Phale.

Who are these people? What's happening?

Twenty seconds, Angel,

before we start hurting them.

You aren't allowed to harm humans directly,

- you know that Shacks. - Maybe not.

But I can harm them indirectly.

We can definitely hurt them whilst battling Angels.

There'll be civilian casualties.

Oh, oh, are you saying this is officially sanctioned.

that this attack is consistent with the rules of engagement.

Well, is it or isn't it? Were you given official permission to launch this attack?

I'm not stupid.

I have the permission.

Standard rules of engagement, clause 1.1.2, subsection 3.

Civilian non-competence must be given sufficient time

to evacuate the area of hostilities.

Aziraphale can put in a formal complaint

to the dark council of the dukes of Hell, if you want.

But you'll have to delay your attack until they reply.

That could take weeks, maybe. Erm...

You lot could all be in big trouble.

Get your...

humans out of there, then.

Sure.

Right, I just made up a rule that they're too stupid to check.

I'm gonna get the humans out of here and then I'm coming back.

- I won't leave you on your own. - I know, but I have a suggestion.

I've got this. Right, I'm gonna take you all out of here.

If you do exactly what I tell you, nobody is going to get hurt.

I don't know what's actually going on but I am going to deal with it.

- Excuse me. - Oh, that might get messy.

Oh...

Madam.

I don't know why you think it's appropriate to disrupt

a meeting of the Whickber Street Traders and Shopkeepers Association.

Dance.

Not a meeting.

You were dancing.

You had no right to interfere with these people.

Right.

I'm calling the Emergency Services.

Crowley, what's the boundary line of this place?

The door frame, you can't cross it.

- You can't do that. - We just did.

Civilian casualty.

Get the rest of them out now,

or we'll take them one at a time.

I still don't understand.

- What's happening? - Erm...

It's a bit complicated, but...

probably best if you forget all about it and do whatever Mr. Crowley suggests.

Are you trying to hypnotize me, is that what's happening here?

- You're doing something to us. - I'm trying to save your lives.

Right, everyone line up. Two by two.

I was Mrs. Sandwich out from the main. Nina, Maggie, you take the rear.

Maggie, come on.

I'm not leaving him to face them on his own.

When I say walk,

you know, walk. Don't make eye contact with them,

just follow me out. Nina, are you coming?

No.

You're saying behind to die bravely?

Good on you. Right, save lives.

Have you got your hand in?

- I've got more than that, love. - Oh, I bet you do.

Let's go.

Happy anniversary, love.

I brought him out.

- Why? - It stacks up by the front door.

Keep it for now, not a good time.

- They took him. - Is he all right?

Unlikely. Let's all get safely outside and see.

Right, I'm gonna formally declare this meeting of the Whickber Street

shopkeepers, thingy over.

I think it'd be best if you headed back to your shops as fast as possible

and, well, forget as much of this as you can.

You're a good lad.

I'm not actually, either.

But thank you.

- Why didn't you go? - I wanna know what's happening.

- You're in danger. - None of this makes sense.

You're in trouble and we're not leaving you on your own.

We aren't in danger.

Crowley will be back in a moment, he will have a plan.

Why don't you stand up for yourself? Make your own plans.

I am, but rescuing me makes him so happy.

Officer, I need to report a crime.

- Oh, err, I think I'm... the wrong... - You're a law enforcement officer?

Yes, I mean, well, probably...

As a law enforcement officer, you are able to arrest someone

- if a crime has been committed. - Well, yes, but...

- Good, then arrest me. - What?

Like I said, put on the cuffs, I'll go quietly.

This is very difficult, but I'm not actually

Inspector Constable, a human law enforcement officer.

You're an Angel, I know, that's why I'm surrendering to you.

I'm a demon, with knowledge of a crime against Heaven,

I demand that you arrest me, we don't have much time.

But, how would I...?

You say "I arrest you, anything you say blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

- Blah, blah, blah? - Good job, you're arresting me.

- What? - Yeah, you said "bla, bla, bla."

It's all right, officer, I'll come quietly.

Come where?

Heaven.

Right.

Doors opening.

You aren't trying to trick me, are you?

You're arresting me, why would I be trying to trick you?

Close the doors.

Doors closing.

Going up.