Original subtitles

Excuse me.

Oi!

Yes? Was that you?

Oh, hi, yeah. Err, look, if you don't mind,

could you hold this, while I crank it all up?

Um, which way up does it go?

Well, like that. Just hold it tight. There we go.

- Alright, ready? - For what?

There you go, lovely.

Thank you, you can put it down now.

Right. Is that it?

Oh, no. That's just priming the engine.

This is the fun bit.

I've been waiting for this since, um...

well, always.

Um. Hello.

- I'm Aziraphale. - Nice meeting you.

Okay, here goes.

Let there be matter, let there be gravity, let there be everything from pages

11 to 3,000,602 inclusive.

- Is something meant to happen? - Oh, right, sorry, yes, yes.

I knew I'd missed one.

Let there be light.

Oh, good lord.

Look at you, you're gorgeous.

Oh. You made it all yourself?

Ah, well, I mean, more or less. I wasn't... I wasn't, um...

I wasn't the original concept designer,

but I worked very closely with upstairs on it.

- Well it's very pretty. - Oh, thank you.

And I think you've done an excellent job.

- So, what's it for? - How do you mean?

Well, what exactly does it all do?

Oh, right. Well, what doesn't this beauty do?

Basically, it's a star factory.

All the dust and gas you can see, it's actually building

about 5,000 young stars and protoplanets.

Most of the universe of stars will come pre-aged, but these ones

are only starting out.

A few million years to bake, and then

boom, stars everywhere!

Oh, that's nice.

You know, the current word from upstairs

is that we'll be shutting this all down again

in about 6,000 years.

But that's nothing!

Oh.

What's the point in creating an infinite universe with trillions of star systems

if you're only gonna let it run for a few thousand years?

The engine won't have properly warmed up by then.

Ah, the point. Ah, well,

you've heard of Earth?

Yeah, not as such.

Ah. Blue-green planet.

It'll be over there somewhere when they roll out that quadrant.

Now that's where the people

that we're currently designing

are going to be.

I've seen the plans.

We're going to start out with a breeding pair,

and then pretty soon there'll be oodles of them

They'll breed like um...

Well, they'll breed like people.

The impression I get

is that the stars and your um...

- Err, call it a nebula. - Right.

Well, they exist

just so that the people

can look up into the night sky

and marvel at the illimitable vastness

of The Almighty's creation.

But that's idiocy!

It's the universe, it's not just some fancy wallpaper!

Millions of galaxies, trillions of stars, oodles of...

everything! It's not just put here to twinkle!

Most of it won't even be visible from Earth.

Why don't you put Earth in the middle of the universe so the view's better?

It's not our job to advise The Almighty on the details of creation.

Well, then whose job is it? I mean,

someone has to say, "Look, boss, this is a really, really terrible idea."

Well, I suspect that would be considered

inappropriate.

Well, I don't suppose anyone could object to me

putting a note into the suggestion box.

I don't believe The Almighty has actually created a suggestion box.

And furthermore,

I don't think it's our place to start suggesting

that there should be a suggestion box.

Well, if I was the one running it all,

I'd like it if someone asked questions. Fresh point of view.

You can't just create a universe, run it for a few thousand years, and then stop.

I like the pinky-blue bit in the corner of the,

the nebula. Yes, it's very um, ah!

Um, but look, word to the wise,

I'd hate to see you getting into any trouble.

Mm, thanks for your help.

And thanks for your advice. I wouldn't worry though.

How much trouble can I get into just for asking a few questions?

"Dear Mr. Fell."

"There is something about which I need to speak with you

on a matter of some... ugrency?" Urgency.

"Yours very faithfully, Maggie."

Hello, Maggie.

I got your note.

I thought you, well,

it's been such a rough couple of years,

between the lockdowns and the Internet orders not coming and...

I can be out of here in two weeks.

Out of here?

Why?

Don't you like it anymore?

Oh, Mr. Fell, I love this shop!

I've loved it since I was a baby. But...

I know how behind I am on rent.

Well then that's entirely my fault for not collecting the rent.

There.

Now, I believe you said

you were getting in some Shostakovich records for me.

I can't pay the rent.

I'm so sorry. I can be out of here next week.

I just have to pack it all up.

Maggie, if you were out of here,

where would I get my records?

Finding the 78s is much harder than the long players,

and frankly I wouldn't know where to start.

I don't have the money.

Maggie,

what if I were to just

take these Shostakovich records

without paying for them?

And we'll call it even.

I owe you thousands of pounds in rent!

Those records would cost you eight pounds.

Eight pounds and 75 pennies.

You can't just forgive me eight months' rent.

Oh, I can. I'm very good at forgiveness.

It's one of my favorite things.

Now, you have paid your rent,

I have my music,

and I know exactly what I'll be doing for the next 21 minutes.

The clarinet

can make beautiful music.

You what?

The clarinet.

It can make beautiful music.

Wrong bench.

You want the Azerbaijani Sector Chief. He's over there.

I brought your mail.

Anything interesting?

Bills, mostly.

I don't understand why they won't just deliver them to your car.

- Send the bills to Hell's finance office. - I did.

They say they can't accept my signature as your replacement.

Don't give them bread, you idiot.

- Ducks shouldn't eat bread. - What are you meant to give them then?

- Do they know? - The ducks?

Downstairs.

Do they know you're checking in with me?

Crowley,

I'm now Hell's representative in London.

- And Hell doesn't care how jobs get done. - Yeah, I remember.

They just care that somebody does them.

Pfft.

- Do you ever just think what's the point? - How do you mean?

What's the point of it all?

Heaven, Hell, Demons, Angels.

That it's all...

well, pointless?

- Was it always this easy? - Easy?

I keep planning complicated strategic strikes

to spread misery and panic among the humans,

and just as I'm about to put one into motion,

they come up with something themselves

which is so much worse than anything I could have thought of.

Yeah. Always this easy.

Anything going on I should know about?

You're still persona non grata.

Beelzebub put some of the lesser demons on half-rations.

And something's up.

Up where?

Up... up...

- Something big? - Don't know.

We just got a rumor that something's going down in the Up.

If you get wind of anything

through your contact in the bookshop, let me know?

Nah, they don't talk to him anymore.

If I learn anything that you might find useful,

I'll tell you, and in return, you'll tell me what I need.

Got anything for me?

Frozen peas.

- What? - That's what you feed ducks. Frozen peas.

They love them,

and it's good for them too.

Hello.

- See anything you fancy? - Oh. Yes. Coffee.

The usual then. Don't tell me, it's in here.

- You're a skinny latte. - You remembered.

A lot of people in this head, and a lot of coffees,

but I only remember the regulars.

Oh, right, yes. I'm that.

You work in the record shop, don't you?

Dunno who buys records in this day and age.

Holy shit!

- What? - Look.

Holy shit.

Ugh.

Hey you.

- What... - What am I doing here?

Yes.

Well? What are you doing here?

I don't know. That's why I asked.

- You don't know? - No, but I would love to find out.

Oh, it would also be great to know where here is,

and also who you are, and also who I am.

And also, why you're naked.

Who told you I was naked?

- Who, I can see you're naked! - Oh! Well,

what do you know?

- Can I come in? - No!

Oh.

Okay.

Alright! Just...

Just get in!

- That's not something you see every day. - No.

Probably a new delivery service.

A stripper Deliveroo-gram.

- You just made that up. - Yeah.

Um, I'm Maggie. I actually run the record shop.

I know who you are. You're the skinny latte.

I'm Nina.

I'm not saying Hell is complicit in this.

I'm not saying anyone is complicit.

I'm just saying if anyone is found helping him,

we are prepared to use extreme sanctions.

- Extreme sanctions? - Yes.

- Book of life. - I'm on it.

I appreciate it.

It's called hot chocolate. You drink it.

So,

you don't know who you are?

Oh, yes.

Ah.

I'm me.

I just don't know who me is.

I see.

But you know me.

- You recognize me. - Well, I err...

know someone

who looks like you.

That's probably me then.

I think that's one of the main ways you can tell.

But you

don't recognize me?

No. Sorry.

Then

why did you come to my shop?

I don't know. I just thought I should.

You know what it's like when you don't know anything at all, and yet you're

totally certain that everything would be better

if you were just near one particular person?

No. Certainly not. I have no idea what that feels like.

What makes you say that?

Oh, I think it's my brain, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, that's how I felt that so long as I came here

the something terrible might not happen to me.

The something terrible?

Mm.

Whoa, this is... this is amazing.

What something terrible?

It's doing, like, one thing here

and another thing here, and they're both totally different things,

but they're both so good!

Please, tell me about the something terrible.

What? I don't know.

I just know that it's incredibly awful

and that that's why I had to come here and give you the thing.

- Oh! - What? What?!

Now it's doing something down here!

Oh man, this is the best one yet.

- What thing? - Huh?

What thing do you have to give me?

Ah...

I don't seem to have anything on me.

- Do you think it's important? - Well, you...

you just said

that it was the only way to prevent something terrible happening.

- Really? What? - I don't know!

Well then, I expect it will be fine.

Most things are fine in the end.

Like this one time,

I started to get cold.

Now I have this neat blanket.

Oh, and this other time,

my arms were aching 'cause I had to carry that box for so long.

Now they're fine.

The box.

Junk.

Junk. Junk.

- Yeah? - Something else I thought you should know.

Okay. Basic demon on Earth stuff.

Either call on the phone and talk,

or appear mysteriously. Don't do both.

- Why not? - Trust me.

Righto.

A little more information has emerged

about the business in the upper floors.

Whatever's going on concerns Gabriel.

His royal smugness is in trouble? That's so sad.

Is it? Why?

Sarcasm. We'll work on it next time.

Is that all? Oh.

There's nothing in here!

What were you bringing me?

You're funny.

I love you.

Oh.

Thank you.

I...

Mm.

You said you were bringing something.

Did I?

- Then I was. - Gabriel, look, please.

Try to pay attention.

Why did you bring the box here?

What's Gabriel?

You are!

At least I think you are.

Gabriel? Cool. I love it.

Gabriel.

Although, ah, actually, no, no.

If anyone asks, you're not Gabriel.

Oh. Okay.

Then what am I?

Well, you're...

Err...

- Jim. - Jim? Cool. I love it.

Jim. Short for Gabriel.

No, no. Short for James.

James, cool. I love it.

James. Long for Jim, short for Gabriel.

No, just forget about Gabriel!

I'll try.

But I find it kind of hard to forget things.

Do you indeed? Well then,

please, tell me

what was in the box.

What box?

Hello, it's me. Don't say anything.

- Are you there? - Should I say something now?

No. Meet me over the road from the bookshop.

I'll be in Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death.

- Over the road. - Two minutes.

Right, what's the problem?

Problem? Who said there was a problem?

Tone of voice.

You have three reasons for calling me: you're bored,

you need to tell someone about something clever you did before you pop,

or something's wrong.

This was your "something's wrong" voice.

It's nice to tell someone about the good things you've done,

now that I'm not reporting to Heaven.

Hello. Can I get you anything?

Take a big cup, put six shots of espresso into it, nothing else.

- That sounds fun. Does it calm you down? - Not really.

Nina, what do you sell that calms people down?

Eccles cakes?

Some Eccles cakes, please.

How's your naked man friend?

He's not, he's not my...

Well, he's certainly not naked anymore.

You're a dark horse, Mr. Fell.

- Are you a bookseller too? - Not even at gunpoint.

This is Crowley.

He and I

go back a long time.

Charmed.

Listen, something big is going on in Heaven. Do you know anything about it?

Possibly a little.

Why don't we go into your shop and discuss it there?

- Because there's a naked man there? - Not technically.

Has this got anything to do with why we aren't in your bookshop right now?

Is it something I can help you with?

Ah!

Oh, Mr. Fell, about the rent. I just want to say, you're an angel.

Oh, nothing of the sort.

Eccles cake?

- Doing good again, angel? - Oh, it hardly counts.

A purely selfish action.

Back again?

Just thought I'd get a final something. End of the day.

Pity. I thought it was my charming personality.

Actually, I brought you

something, because...

Nina Simone.

And your name is Nina.

I don't

have anything to play it on.

Right.

- Of course. - Skinny latte?

Oh no, I'd be up all night. Just a herbal tea.

Mint tea. Although the chamomile looks nice.

We're getting older. Remember when we used to party and stay up all night?

Now we're all in bed by ten.

- I didn't go to parties. - Well, you were a teenager, weren't you?

Yeah but not that sort of teenager.

Sorry, I shouldn't have brought over the LP without asking.

Been a long day. I need to finish closing the shop. My partner's expecting me home.

Oh you,

you have a partner?

Who really doesn't like it when I'm late, so,

hard choices, mint tea or chamomile?

I wasn't gonna say this out there, but it sounds like

something a bit weird is going in with your old lot.

You'll never guess who Shax was asking me about.

Yes, I think perhaps I will.

Oh. Go on then, guess.

Jim?

Jim?

Do we know a Jim?

- Hi there. - Argh, Gabriel!

See, I told you I looked like a Gabriel.

- What's he doing here? - I don't know.

- What's happened to him? - I don't know.

- Well, ask him! - I have! He doesn't know either.

Ask him properly!

What... are you... doing...

in... this bookshop?!

I... am... dusting.

So, okay,

he's gonna be okay.

We can just take him somewhere and leave him there.

Take him where?

Anywhere.

The crucial part of the plan isn't the taking him somewhere.

It's not bringing him back again.

We'll bundle him into the Bentley, I'll drive to...

Dartmoor and dump him.

- Why Dartmoor? - Because!

Dartmoor is a long way away and it isn't here!

Crowley, he's in trouble.

Then we should get as far from him as we can, as quickly as possible.

He said something terrible was going to happen to him.

All the more reason for him to be nowhere near us when it does!

- I just... - Angel,

this is the supreme archangel of all Heaven, your former boss,

who tried very hard to cast you into hellfire and destroy you.

He is not our friend.

- I don't think he really has any friends. - Exactly.

Yes, exactly.

What does your exactly mean exactly?

I feel like your exactly and my exactly are different exactlys.

Well, he doesn't have any friends, so he needs us.

What I need is for him to be nowhere near me,

and the precious,

peaceful, fragile existence

that I have carved out for myself here.

- I thought we carved it out for ourselves. - So did I!

Very well.

If you refuse to help me, then of course...

you're at liberty to go.

To go?

Oh, right, this is how you wanna do it?

No, I would love you to help me.

I'm asking you to help me take care of him.

But if you won't,

you won't.

Yeah, I won't.

You're on your own with this one.

Just breathe, that's what humans do...

then they count to ten before they do anything stupid!

That's weird.

See that bloke? Six shots of espresso. He's smoking.

There's no law against it.

You can smoke in the street.

I mean, look at him. He's smoking.

I can't do this I'm just so angry!

Ten!

I think that man was just struck by lightning!

- No, this is not happening. - What's wrong?

In case of a power cut, the security system kicks in.

This door's just auto locked.

We're gonna be in here for a while.

I'm sure we can just call and they'll let us out.

- My phone's dead. - So is mine.

You misunderstand me, Uriel, no doubt accidentally.

I think I understand you rather well, Michael.

You're saying that someone needs to give the orders, and that's going to be you.

There is, of course,

no question

of replacing the supreme archangel.

I am the Archangel Michael,

you are the Archangel Uriel.

We aren't in charge.

Right now, as of this moment,

Heaven does not have a supreme archangel.

There is always a supreme archangel.

Oh yes? And who's that?

My point

is that during Gabriel's absence,

his duties must still be carried out.

Someone's gotta give the orders.

And that's you?

- It's all of us. - Ah.

- Led by me. - Mm.

I am duty officer.

Your beatitudes?

Yes.

I think you should hear this.

Muriel!

Oh.

- Hello. - And you are?

Oh, no one. I mean,

technically, Muriel,

37th order scrivener, but, you know, no one.

Well?

Um.

Well, I...

I found something. By the lift to Down,

on the floor.

A material object?

In Heaven?

That's impossible.

Yes, I know.

That's definitely an earthly object.

I can see that.

I think he's gone to Earth.

Oh!

Oh!

Really?

Come on! In my car? Really?

- Hello traitor. - Oh.

Lord Beelzebub!

I suppose you're wondering why I called you here.

You came to me!

Oh, come on!

Oh,

I thought we had a

generalized understanding.

We don't.

You're still a traitor. I could put a price on your head any time I wanted to.

Is that a new face?

What, this old thing?

I've had it for ages.

Such a pity that Hell never really appreciated your talents, Crowley.

It is? It is, yeah.

What if I said Hell was willing to forget everything you did,

that we were willing to accept you back, no questions asked with a hefty promotion?

Doesn't actually sound like the sort of thing you're likely to say.

Might be.

The Archangel Gabriel has vanished.

We know he isn't in Heaven. What we don't know is where he is.

Oh, how mysterious.

We think someone must be hiding him from us.

- Not very likely. - If you found Gabriel

and handed him over to us, you could name your price

I've got all the hosts of Hell hunting for him, and we will find him,

but you, Crowley, you know Earth better than anyone.

Well, I...

it's a big universe, lots of places that an archangel on the lam

could have a wonderful time and never be seen again.

Well, wherever he is, you find Gabriel for me

and you can have whatever your nasty little heart desires.

You could be a Duke of Hell.

According to what I'm hearing, on a grapevine that obviously doesn't exist,

upstairs is seriously troubled about Gabriel's disappearance.

I'm hearing that anybody they find involved in this affair

will be dealt with.

How?

Extreme...

sanctions.

That isn't actually a thing.

That's just something we used to joke about to frighten the cherubs.

No, it exists.

Extreme sanctions.

Anyone found involved in Gabriel's disappearance

will be erased from the Book of Life.

They won't just be gone,

they will never have existed.

Well, that will teach them a lesson, alright.

So, if you hear anything, come to me first, yeah?

I don't know anything about this, but I'll absolutely let you know.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Aziraphale, what have you done?

Someone's coming. Hold up your sign.

Oh, come on!

Somebody could just walk right into my shop and just take records.

They could empty the till. I could see them from here, I couldn't stop them.

If I owned a record shop, I'd be more worried about people breaking in

and leaving more records behind.

Want some wine? I've got a bottle in the back for emergencies.

- This qualifies. - I don't drink.

Why not?

I just never wanted to.

I don't like the taste.

Well, I need a drink.

No judgement.

Good.

I have enough judgement in my life already.

When my phone goes back on, there's gonna be about 100 worried texts from Lindsay.

Must be nice,

to have someone at home who cares where you are.

Yeah, well,

Lindsay likes it if I text when I'm gonna be more than ten minutes late.

It's funny, I was sort of hoping we'd have a chance to talk. And now...

here we are,

locked in.

Here we both are.

♪ Hey, boy, where did you go? ♪

♪ I learned my passion In the good old-fashioned ♪

♪ School of loverboys ♪

Get out of the way!

There's only room for one of us in this lane, and it's not you.

No, don't even think about it.

That's better.

Why sell records? Nobody buys records anymore.

You see, the record shop was opened by my great grandmother in the 1920s.

Originally, our shop was in a corner of Mr. Fell's bookshop.

I think that's why he lets me stay on. Old time's sake.

Because what, his grandfather knew your great grandmother?

Yeah.

- Oh, someone's coming this way! Signs! - It's him!

The one who was struck by lightning, the six shots of espresso.

Oh, really?

My bad.

Oh! That's a coincidence. It went out when he went that way, and...

That's Lindsay.

I'm back.

Yes. I can see that.

You want a big, "I think I said the wrong thing," sort of apology,

or can we take that as said?

I'd like the apology, actually.

You were right.

Not good enough.

- I want a proper apology. - No.

- With the little dance. - I don't do the dance.

I did the "I was wrong" dance in 1650,

- in 1793, 1941... - Fine!

You were right, you were right, I was wrong, you were right.

Okay?

Very nice.

Now, we need to keep him here and hide him.

- From who? - Everybody. Heaven, Hell, humanity.

We do it together. We make it so nobody notices he's here,

until we've sorted all this out.

- Together? - Yes. We do a...

little miracle

so nobody can spot him even if they're looking for him.

No, I mean, especially if they're looking for him.

I think Heaven would notice if I was to perform even a very minor miracle.

I don't want Hell taking an interest either.

Hello.

Where did you come back from?

Outside.

Outside?

Hmm.

Is it big? Can I see the outside?

No, no, no, no. You need to stay here, inside the bookshop.

We can look after you in here. Just stay here.

Crowley, what if we each did half a miracle?

I could hide him from your former people, and you could hide him from mine.

It would barely move the dials.

Yes.

Yeah, that could work. Yes, okay. Okay.

- You... - Jim.

- It's short for James, but... - Jim.

Right.

Sit in this chair.

You take his right hand, I'll take his left.

We need to make this the tiniest,

most insubstantial, fractional half a miracle we have ever performed.

No traces of anything miraculous left behind.

- No alarm bells ringing in Heaven. - Right.

Count of three.

One, two, three,

now.

Do you think it worked?

I don't know. Probably.

Good news, Jim.

Nobody's going to notice you. You're safe here.

For now.

While we figure out what's actually going on.

I think I know what's going on.

What?

I don't go to the outside,

and now

- I have two friends. - I am not your friend.

I think it took.

That was a class-A surreptitious half a miracle.

No one will have noticed a thing.

Excuse me, Michael.

I think this one's for you to deal with.

- What's happening? - You're the duty officer.

- I know I'm the duty officer! - It's Earth.

You better come over here.

- Have you spotted Gabriel? - Not as such, but check it out.

- Stop that noise! - Can you turn off the alarm, please?

I see.

We may not know where Gabriel is, but I'll tell you what we do know.

There's a former angel in this, up to his bookshop-owning neck.