Original subtitles

[Heather grunts]

- [yelling] No, no, no, no. No. Hey! - [Heather grunting]

- [grunts] No, no, no, no, no! [yelps] - [grunting]

[both grunting, struggling]

I have a buyer! I'm telling you, I have a fucking buyer!

Well, the luggage in the hallway tells a different story.

[stutters] Can I... Can I be honest?

- [Bob grunts] - Please.

Two things can be true.

I can want to disappear,

- and I can have a buyer. [groaning] - [Heather struggles]

Here's what's true.

- [grunts, straining] - I lead a stressful life,

there's a lot of moving parts.

And La Pastorale, well, it relieved some of that.

[grunts]

[Arman] Those naked ladies reclining in a field,

it brought me joy because I was connected to a fucking genius.

Oh, yeah. No, I get that.

- Totally. [grunts] - [Arman] Here's another truth:

- I was connecting to a knockoff... - [Heather pants]

...painted by your wife in her crafts room.

You robbed him of joy, you fucker! [breathes heavily]

- [groans, pants] - [Arman] You humiliated me, Bob.

I showed that picture to people. They're laughing at me now.

- I am so sorry. A-And I am fixing it. - [Heather breathing heavily]

[grunts] No! No, no, not the nipple!

- No! No! - [Arman] Okay, hold on. H-Hold on.

- Where's this buyer? - [stutters] Uh, Florence.

- No, please! Don't take the... [cries] - Heather, honey. Heather.

His name is Kachel. James Kachel. [breathes heavily]

And how did you come to find Mr. Kachel?

I... He's an associate of Peggy's.

- Peggy? - [Bob groans]

Who's Peggy?

Aah. [sighs] I'm late.

- I'm sorry, business. [sighs] - [cell phone buzzing]

Well, he passed. So it's over.

He can't pass. We have a contract.

No, we don't.

Look, I was talking with your mother about my play,

it all came about very naturally.

I just arranged this meeting so that you would feel involved.

[inhales sharply] You talked to my mother?

[breathing heavily, sighs]

[whispers] Hey. Psst.

Ta-da.

Is that a lady's finger?

Yeah, 'cause we're looking for a missing lady.

We're also looking for 70K in reward money, and this is it.

Okay. Don't point it at me. Where did you get that?

Oh, Jesus. Peggy.

Judy chucked it up. [breathing heavily]

Well, Judy might wanna go see a doctor.

Judy's a dog.

So, that's a dead lady's finger in dog vomit?

[sighs] Fuck. This little mix of bone and knuckle and fat...

Okay. Let's not describe it. Just put it in there.

It's gonna change our fucking lives.

It better.

["True Love Part 2" playing]

Turns out that I'm a natural. [chuckles] And an academic.

I'm top of my class at PI school.

- Really? - [sighs]

Well, Dirk says you're always late, and by the end of class, you're slurring.

It's my Bell's palsy, kicks in around noonish.

- [cell phone buzzing] - Ah, look. See?

Hey. I'm on a date. I can't talk right now.

And yes, we will be having sex, so don't call again till tomorrow.

No, no, no. No, no, no, wait!

[sighs]

[sighs]

Anyway, the point is, I got ya a contract at Pioneertown.

And I found the fucking finger of Dona fucking Scarborough.

- O-Okay. You're right. - [sighs]

But let's hold off on going to the cops with the finger

because they'll grab credit or bungle it.

Our next move is we're gonna get the finger tested

for DNA, you understand?

- How long does that take? - [stutters] Two, three days.

The tricky part is getting DNA from the family,

but I know somebody at Ancestry, so...

Let's back up a minute here, okay? Do you wanna thank me for any of this?

All right, look, I gotta say,

at the beginning I really didn't expect much from you,

but the scope of this thing could put us on the map. I mean, it's... [wheezing]

[sighs] Is this a medical condition?

[whimpers]

Okay. I'm being a friend right now. It's a turnoff.

[sniffs]

I can confirm it's her finger in the morning.

How?

Don't worry about it. I just need the nail.

And don't contaminate the finger.

I'm not separating the nail from a dead, disgusting finger.

[people in nail salon chattering]

Where'd you get this?

I found it in my boyfriend's sheets.

I suspect there's a third person in that bed.

Who's your boyfriend?

Let's just say he's a guru.

Who's my competition?

His wife. She was a regular.

He said she was out of the picture.

She is. She disappeared a year ago.

Were they in trouble?

She sat here for hours, no?

She must've told you all kinds of weird shit.

I don't paint and tell.

Hey, I'm the victim here. My boyfriend may be cheating.

I need to know if these bumps on my leg are razor burns or scabies.

If he hasn't changed his sheets in a year, mama...

[door chimes]

When bitches on Twitter say I can't do makeup, I say,

"Um, then what's this art?" Okay? All right.

So now we're gonna do the other eye,

- nice and... Oh, God. - [client 1] Oh, no.

- [entertainer 1] Oh, no. - Nick, what's-her-name's here!

- [Lionel Richie] Oh, no. - [Nick] Two minutes.

Do you have a bathroom I can use that won't kill me

or get me pregnant?

You can still get pregnant?

[sighs]

Gross.

[groans, grunts]

[sighing]

[people moaning, grunting]

- [entertainer 1] Oh, yeah. [moaning] - [groans] Oh, hey, what's up?

Jimmy Hoffa's family just signed on to the book. [gasps]

Oh, okay.

[Peggy] They're breaking their silence after 50 years.

So now Random House wants to publish for Christmas.

All right.

[chuckles] So the word on the street is this will be a major stocking-stuffer,

which will lead to more TV appearances and more money,

and most importantly, get our loved ones back.

Unless they're dead, which Hoffa definitely is.

[chuckles] So, what do you want from me?

Oh, I'm just sharing the good news and handing out lollipops

to participating families.

[chuckles] Thank you. [chuckles]

We could talk about spa tie-ins if you want. [chuckles]

Oh, we don't advertise. We're word of mouth.

- Understood. [sighs] - [Lionel Richie squawking]

So you like edibles, huh? [chuckles]

- What? [smacks lips] No, no, I... - [Lionel Richie chirps]

Oh, sorry. Wrong one. So sorry. Here.

[Lionel Richie] Oy vey.

[sighs] I'll be back when the contracts are ready.

[Lionel Richie chirping, squawking]

- Can I have one? - [door chimes]

- Okay. - [Lionel Richie] Okay.

So, the finger's getting tested.

I have a guy who doesn't ask questions.

If someone gave me a finger, I'd ask questions, but he doesn't, so...

[stutters] Ca... Can you put those down? Those are military grade.

Please. Peggy, can you put 'em down?

[stutters] So he's backlogged, which means it's gonna take a week.

No. Get a rush on it. Come on. Can't we pay to get a rush?

The DNA on the lollipop is gonna match what's left of the finger.

[sighs] By the way, I think she died for her art.

- Whose art? - Dona.

She painted stolen masterpieces. Fabulous, by the way.

Dona Scarborough?

You didn't need to know until now,

but the guru sold a fake to this father-daughter hit team,

and now Daddy and his bruiser want their money back.

What bruiser?

Well, the daughter's like a linebacker.

[stutters] Is the bald bird part of this?

In a way, yes.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna lose my business.

Would you stop?

You're getting your business back. Like, soon. Like, next week.

More like Friday if you order this rush.

[cell phone buzzing]

Oh, for fuck's sakes.

[knocking]

[through door] It's me. Open the door.

Ugh, we need a plan, and I need a bathroom.

Think on that. [sighs]

[Cooper] Yo! Guys, come on.

[friend chuckles]

[both friends grunting, giggling]

[friend 2 chuckling] Come on.

[Carol] The plan is habeas fucking corpus.

The corpus is being tested.

It was gonna take a week, but... [sighs] ...I got a rush on it, 48 hours.

[Carol] Okay, fine. We'll avoid the guru till we got a positive ID,

then go straight to the Gattchis and claim the reward.

Ugh, it's gonna be a pain in the ass avoiding this guy.

He calls me every second.

Hmm.

Hold on. Surveillance pictures.

- Ooh. - [Carol] Mmm.

Ooh. Guilty.

[Carol] Coop got some real cute shots. And the kid's good with an iPhone, huh?

[Peggy] Mmm, she may have a knack.

Okay. You're aces, thanks. [sighs]

[grunts] I gotta go. I love you.

[panting]

[sighs]

Ooh. [sighs]

[pants]

[groans, winces]

[line ringing]

[treatment center worker] High Desert Treatment Center.

Hi, is Mary there? [sighs]

[treatment center worker] Uh, no, I-I think it's Mary's day off.

[exhales sharply, sighs] I'll be right there.

- [Denny exhales sharply] - [Chunky] Uh, good. Good.

Is it in slo-mo?

- Oh. [through phone] Yeah. - Make sure we're filming it in slo-mo.

What the fuck is this? What's he doing here?

- He gave me a ride. - [dog barks]

- I'm actually a good guy. - [Peggy sighs]

Oh, what's up, Judy?

[sighs] Get him outta here.

[Denny] Peg, he's helping me

- build my business. - [sighs]

I've got clientele already, okay? And they're demanding content.

I've got an email list of men who are looking for a safe place

to practice Qigong and shit.

What do you say?

- Is it cool if we use the dojo out back? - No.

- Just to build a following. - No.

- Maybe raise a little seed money. - No.

- And crash there once in a while. - No.

- I can't get an apartment. - Nope.

Nobody allows dogs.

[sighs] Okay, fine.

Ah, that's great.

[Peggy] But no Chunky.

And you're not allowed in the kitchen.

- [Denny] Of course not. - Or the bathroom.

Really?

Okay, yeah. There's a gas station about ten minutes away. I can walk.

- This is great, babe. I mean, Peg. - [scoffs] Ugh.

- So generous. - [engine revving]

Thanks, Peg!

[sighing] Hi. Peggy Newman. What's your name?

Erin. I'm new. Bear with me.

Erin. I like that, that's Celtic.

Yeah, well, I get three milligrams and I work my way up to a week take home.

[sighs] We did the piss test last week.

That was a big step. It's been a journey. [sighs]

Oh, well, congratulations.

- Thanks. [inhales sharply] - I don't see that in the system, so...

Oh, yeah, yeah. System always goes down.

- Hold up there. - Mary. I thought it was your day off.

I'm doing a little paperwork.

You ready to take your urine test? You're almost at your goal.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, shit. You know what?

I... I just ate a poppy seed bagel.

I ate five, actually.

- I should've stopped at three... - Oh.

...but since my mother died, I've been using food.

I'm gonna get a false positive.

Peggy. We're not gonna deny you, but we can't give you the week's supply.

God.

You gotta take, you know, fucking monsoon season into account.

My fibromyalgia is going nuts.

It's Palm Springs. There is no monsoon season.

Well, there's barometric pressure.

And there's pressure pressure. I'm writing a play.

Plus, my new job, it's really fucking dangerous.

[sighs] Sorry.

[exhales sharply] Fuck it.

[Peggy] You seen Gill?

You seen Gill?

Gill got arrested.

Anyone taking over his business interests?

His business interests.

The pills. You know, the ones that make you crabby as fuck

if you can't get them.

- [cell phone buzzing] - Fuck.

I got some steaks if you want 'em.

No, I already got a deal with Jesse over at Ruth's Chris.

[breathes deeply]

How about that joint? [chuckles]

I'm trying to get the door and the safe, but it's not very secure.

- [echoing] It's a little wobbly. - Don't worry, it's fine.

[Brenda grunts]

Hello, Brenda.

[chuckles] I'm trying to be nice, Brenda.

- What did I do? - [Bruce] How do you freshen it up?

[sighs] A nod is not a hello. It's a "fuck you" with your face.

- Is this about Roger? - No, my worth isn't tied to a man.

I'm a private investigator now.

[Peggy breathes deeply, sighs]

[Bruce] What are you doing?

I got a play to put on, plus eight million other things.

That guru bastard keeps calling me every five minutes.

My living situation is dicey, plus I'm juggling, like, five suitors.

[sighs] It never ends.

I meant what are you doing with the K-Cups?

Oh. The coffee sucks, but I need the caffeine.

Yeah, well, I've been tasked with stuff like this.

- Shit like disappearing K-Cups. - Oh, good. People abuse it.

The cheating spouse... [sighs]

...she's cheating with a girlfriend, by the way.

You owe me 13.95. I printed that at Staples.

- I lost the receipt. - [cell phone buzzing]

[groans] For fuck's sakes.

Can't we get a super-express on that finger?

[machinery whirring]

[machine powers down]

Peggy.

Looks like you got a lot on that beautiful mind of yours.

Ha. You say the same thing to Brenda?

We mostly just talk about Star Wars. [sighs]

And owls.

[grunts]

It's your mind I want.

N-Not in a mind control-y kind of way.

Speaking of which, how's your boyfriend, the guru?

- I'm not going out with the guru, Roger. - [cell phone buzzing]

[Peggy groans]

Well, I hope you're happy, Peggy. [chuckles]

[Peggy] Happiness is a process. It's a practice.

I'm on my path. That's all I'm gonna say.

What's with the heavy artillery?

What's w-with it? [chuckles] This is what you promised my mother.

You told her something about somebody being shot out of a cannon

for the President's Day Weekend show?

Uh, first of all, your mother might not understand metaphors.

I said my play would be shooting us out of a cannon.

And number two, I don't think we'll be opening this week...

[stammering] No... [chuckles] You will open by Friday.

- You will open by the 18th. - What's with the 18th?

You're getting shot out of this cannon, either way.

Not happening.

Wait a minute... [scoffs]

The 18th is your mother's birthday. That's what this is all about, isn't it?

No, this is about the President's Day Weekend show.

Which happens to coincide with your mother's birthday.

No, it's about patriotism.

And stealing business from car lot sales events.

The cannon, the fanfare, the glitz. It's all about winning your mother's love.

- [Owen scoffs, sighs] - You have to read Electra, Owen.

It doesn't end well.

A cannon is going off this weekend, Peggy! And you are gonna be the cannonball.

There's no cannons in my play. Plus, I have fibromyalgia.

Well, it's a part of the play now!

Ginger and I already wrote the cannon into the play!

I beg your fucking pardon.

"'Twas my brother, Rutherford, my own blood, who taught me how to fight.

He was a saber..."

Oh, Owen came up with a Civil War story.

I think it's very strong. Listen to this.

So, Colonel Fanshawe turns to me on the verandah and he says,

"Golly, Molly Perkins, I believe the cannon is about to chime midnight."

It's rough.

Can I offer some constructive criticism?

I hate it.

[sighs] That is not constructive, and it's heavy on the criticism.

We open in two days. Someone has to right this ship.

And I'll tell you this, no one sits through two hours

of somebody working out their mommy issues.

[chuckles] Tell that to William Shakespeare.

Tell it to Neil Simon.

[chewing] Oh, and by the way, I'm recasting you with a woman of color.

To play your mother?

It has to be more like "Hamilton."

[Ginger] This is just like you, to quit things.

[echoing] Remember you quit the Girl Scouts

the week they had the cookie sale?

They had to buy back all your boxes. You left them in the red.

Or the ice skating? You went once.

That tutu ended up right in the garbage.

You never cared that I quit things.

You said that the Girl Scouts was a racket and a Ponzi scheme.

[chuckles]

You were my best friend.

But you're not her.

You're the lady on the bus.

Take that bus home.

Because I changed the lines? It... It was a pitch!

You know what a pitch is.

[exhales]

[sighs] What do you want already?

[Bob] Uh, hey, it's me. It's Bob.

Seems like you're super busy.

I'm actually calling because the hospital gave me a 60 count of Oxy.

And since it's clearly your thing, I thought you might want them.

So, I'll just leave them on my porch till tomorrow.

[sighs]

- [screams, struggles] - [Heather struggles]

[grunts] Okay, Brunhilda! Can we take it down a notch?

I've got fibromyalgia! I find violence very triggering.

Hey. Can't we just talk without the bondage?

[Arman] Heather, get in here. You gotta try this.

- [Arman] Come and taste this saffron. - [breathes deeply]

Uh, I just added a pinch. I used almost no butter. Almost. [blows]

- [Peggy sighs] - You are so full of shit!

I reverse Google-image-searched that buyer you sent over.

He is a known criminal! So are you!

Of course, he's a criminal!

Who do you think buys stolen paintings?

- Nuns? - Ha.

And I did zero jail time 'cause that was his crime.

Well, there's still a hell of a lot of criminality surrounding you.

I do not like it one bit.

[Peggy scoffs]

[chuckles] You need me to acknowledge the knife?

Okay, I see your knife.

Hey, I'm not a good candidate. I have hemophilia.

You don't have hemophilia.

Yeah, actually, I do.

Fibromyalgia, hemophilia. I got a lot of problems.

Yeah, no shit.

Really?

- Bobby here owes... - Bob or Robert. It... [stammering]

Or whatever. It's fine.

Bobsie here owes me a lot of money.

- And he says that you can help me get it. - She can.

- You can. - [scoffs] How are you to find a buyer

- for one of Bobsie here's fake paintings? - [Bob stammers]

- I already have. - Uh, she's already got one.

How do you know anyone that has over a million?

I used to work for James Kachel in New York.

- He's a very big collector. - Huge.

Well, big collectors know forgeries.

- Well, some do, some don't. - [chuckles]

Uh, lesser works have taken in better collectors.

Kachel sees a profit margin here.

You think I'm a fucking philistine?

N-No, she does not.

No, I think you're Arman Landau. A pretty decent collector.

You live in Rancho Mirage, 5537 Cabernet.

[Heather breathes deeply]

- [laughing] Is this your parlor trick? - [chuckles]

- You think you know me? - No, I don't think I know you.

Okay, Heather is living with you for now,

which I get, 'cause I lived with my mom until the end.

Family is important.

But I think all this meshuggaas

might be a violation of her parole. [chuckles]

How the fuck...

Uh, this cop I broke up with, he ran the plates.

Don't ask. Highway patrol.

He also put a GPS tracking device in my car 'cause he's kind of a stalker.

So, this guy that you got... This, um, Kachel?

He told you he wants to buy this painting?

- Oh, he wants it. - He wants it.

And he knows exactly what it is. And I can get you the money.

- She will. [chuckles] - [Peggy] But if you stab me,

or you cut my nipple off, I don't see how that helps you.

[breathes deeply]

It helps me. [inhales]

- It's okay, honey. It's okay. It's okay. - [Heather breathes heavily]

- [Peggy screams, groans] - You're lying.

No, no, no. I said there was competition. He said he was gonna wire over a deposit.

But I guess you'll never know. So, A, you get no money,

and two, Trooper Carl is about to do a drive-by in about 20 minutes,

judging from his past behavior.

I don't know, some girls find it flattering. [scoffs]

We can find that GPS.

Oh, good. Because I can't.

I don't know. It's a chip, like, the size of an eyelash or something.

- What kind of deposit? - [groans]

250K. Okay?

Two days. When he gets back from Florence.

Very shitty Internet service. Maybe three if he's running late.

[grunting] Hey, you think I could get that bag that I came for?

[inhales sharply]

[hammer banging]

[Denny sighing]

[Denny] Oh, hey.

- That finger turn up anything? - Nah, it's probably just another finger.

Of course it turned up something. I'm not telling you, though.

[chuckling] You're still marching around in that thing? Who are you kidding?

- I did a semester. - You did three weeks of a summer session.

Yeah, well, you know, it's highly regarded.

And it's good for my business and it's good for my new clientele, okay?

[Peggy chuckles]

Can I get that catalog Bob sent of Dona's artwork?

Hey, did you know she did Monet's "Waterloo Bridge"?

Do you believe that?

I looked it up. The ones in this series,

they're all pulling in, like, eight figures.

Look at that freaking fog he did.

Look at that freaking fog she did.

Anyway, this is the reason we all need to meditate.

[inhales] Why do you want these?

Is it for Kachel? Don't tell me he's coming.

[stammers] What is this? A press conference?

Come on, get back to the decorating.

- That's my blanket. - It's cold out here.

You're not supposed to go in the house, Denny.

You're helping yourself to the linens now?

Judy was shaking like a leaf. Okay?

Okay. Later, Judy.

[inhales deeply]

[message sent whooshing]

[sighs, inhales]

[cell phone buzzing]

- [Peggy] Well, look who it is. [sighs] - And look who that is.

Little Peggy Newman, from Syosset, Long Island.

What took you so long?

Did you see the collection?

Look.

[laughing] Ah, holy shit.

Jimmy, we both know, the real one's never coming back.

Why? As far as I'm concerned, that is the real one.

[Ethan] Okay, that is a good boy.

- Easy. That's a good boy. - [chuckles] Is that Ethan?

[breathing heavily] Ethan?

[Kachel stammers, sighs]

[chuckles] So he's got a man bun now?

[sighs] Yeah.

- [sighs] - I have to negotiate this in person.

Well, hurry the fuck up. People are getting chippy.

- I'll send you my itinerary. - [line beeps]

- [through TV] With only two yards... - Wait.

- [television powers off] - You got what?

Blonde lady. Yea high. I did it custom for your sister.

So, when she says she found it in her boyfriend's bed,

I'm thinking, the fuck you talking about?

Real fucking pale?

[people at tanning spa moaning]

- [chuckles] Sylvia Plath? - I don't think that's her name.

["She Drives Me Crazy" playing]

- [entertainer moaning] Fuck. - [Lionel Richie] Fuck, fuck, fuck.

- [sighs] Fuck. - [client 2] Fucking occupied.

- [entertainer 2] Get the fuck outta here. - [client 2] Right.

[groans]

- [pants unzip] - [sighs]

[urine splashing]

- [door slamming] - Leo?

Hey, listen.

I want you to go find this Sylvia fucking Plath,

or don't come back.

[song continues]