Original subtitles

Subtitle by kterydragon

Four days ago,

I was still a fortunate man.

Thanks to my careful planning, my life was comfortable, sastifying, and perfect.

Of course, I didn't look this pathetic.

Today, I was supposed to propose to my girfriend.

But instead...

things got turned upside down.

PEKING

My parents always said to me,

"If you don't plan to fail, then don't fail to plan."

And don't put off until tomorrow, what you can do today.

It's all for a greater purpose.

And remember that the details are important.

Because you never know when you will meet someone important to you.

So I workout three times a week. I eat right.

No matter if things are big or small, I treat them carefully

I have everything in my life under control.

There are no surprises. Well... almost none.

The car salesman's handbook says there are three steps to success:

Start early, stay focused and finish with a smile.

I know you probably think I'm boring, but I'm very happy with my life.

Especially because I have a great girlfriend.

With her, I have the most important plan of my life.

Hi, honey! What a coincidence. I was just thinking about you.

I wanted to chat with you too. I got a job in LA.

America?

I'm working as an assisstant at Wronald Wright Productions.

But I thought you wanted to be a lawyer?

Xiaoming, I think we should spend some time apart.

Break up?

Xiaoming, you're a great guy and I know had everything all planned out,

but I'm still figuring out my life.

I know this must be difficult. We can make plans, just not together.

- Bye. - But, I already made plans...

All my plans got messed up. There was only thing left to do...

Today we'll talk about the most popular reality TV show in America.

"Punch me". It's the #1 hit!

Punch me! Punch me! Punch me...

Oh, America...

Hi, I'm actor Gary Buesheimer. Saving endangered species...

This is Hollywood! We can do anything.

Can you get my girlfriend back?

Yan Yan?

Ready? Set...

Yan Yan needs me. I'm coming! Wait for me, Yan Yan! I'm coming!

I can't wait any longer! I'm going to America now!

Go!

Or maybe after I wake up.

Even in a daze, nothing was more in focus than my need,

to find a ticket to America.

Shit! Chinese New Year! I probably couldn't even get a ticket to the Great Wall!

Everthing is booked. Time is running out. I have to get to Yan Yan.

As long as I could get Yan Yan back, I would even go to hell and back!

But what idiot would by a ticket from such an ugly looking website?

This idiot...

Let me introduce myself. My name is Fang Dawei. You can just call me Dawei.

I'm Xiaoming.

Oh yes, of course.

Oh Do you know we're the only two in this tour departing from Beijing?

What a coincidence! Only two of us!

Looks like I'm not the only idiot.

Thank you.

No problem. Anytime you need help, just ask! We're on the same tour, we're best buddies!

I'm really exhausted now. I really want to go to sleep.

- Good night. - Sorry, goodnight.

Wow! The house Drew Barrymore lived in, in "E.T."!

We'll be touring that! Do you know that E.T.?

"E.T." "Phone home."

You know that extraterrestrial? Always pointing that finger?

E.T. is one of my top five favorite movies! What's your favorite movie?

I'm not part of the tour.

I'm going to LA to get my girlfriend back.

Getting your girlfriend back from LA?

If we were in a movie, I doubt your plan would go smoothly.

But it could be the two of us,

on the road, encountering all kinds of strange situations.

I'll be there supporting you all the way.

I can be your wisecracking sidekick!

We could name our movie "Hollywood Adventures"!

We're going to the Studios where "2 Broke Girls" is shot.

Did you know that? What's up, bitches?

My Kat Dennings! She's so hot!

Do you know that when "2 Broke Girls" premiered,

it was the highest-rated fall premiere in 10 years! Did you know that?

- I have to use the bathroom. - Go for it! It's bad for you to hold your pee.

That guy is so annoying! All he talked was movies.

If only life were a movie.

At least movies are all scripted and there are no accidents.

Open the door!

AIRPORT OF LOS ANGELES

I'm Harvey Milsap, your translator.

Oh thank God! This is all a misunderstanding.

I fell asleep in the plane's bathroom. I was so tired when I boarded the plane

This guy next to me kept talking in my ear, blah blah blah... I couldn't shut him up.

so I went to the bathroom to take a nap.

and then I woke up, and we landed.

If you ask me to shut up and lock me in the bathroom, I guarantee...

- you in jail! - What?

- Which flight did you take? - 1-3-1-4 to America.

- Death? - What did he say about America?

He just said, "Death to America."

Whatever surprise he has planned for our country,

- Yes! - Oh, I'll dig it out of him.

Hollywood Adventures! Hey, everyone please come closer! Do not be shy!

Welcome to Hollywood Adventures.

My name is Wei Wei. I'll be your guide.

- It looks like we're still missing... - We are in trouble now!

My travel buddy, Xiaoming, he ate something bad on the plane, and had to stay in the bathroom all night.

Then he got taken away by police.

Troublemaker!

I didn't know it yet, but a hurricane on two beautiful legs'd just walked into my life.

Long live His Majesty!

Please pardon me, Your Majesty!

Your Majesty! Please don't have me beheaded!

"Your Majesty"?

You do know whose ass you're about to stick your hand up?

- He is the next emperor of China. - Who are you?

Listen and listen well: His Majesty's asshole is sacred.

Are you out of your mind? Let's be clear, I don't know this woman.

Wait, China doesn't have an emperor. Do they?

What? Everybody knows China has an emperor.

Nod if you want to leave here soon.

See? Everybody knows.

Nod if you also want to leave.

Congratulations! You've just stepped into the middle of an international incident.

- Oh, no! - It's all good! It's all good!

Hey, I'm talking to you. What was that back there? I had everything under control!

- I'm talking to you! Who are you? - I just saved your miniscule life.

If it wasn't for me, you'd have been deported or worse.

- But you don't have to thank me. - Are you kidding me?

This is definitely a romantic comedy.

Our two leading actors don't like each other from the start. Cool!

- Shit down. - What did you say?

Please sit down.

- Hi! They sent us these as a gift. - This is my seat?

- Congratulation! A sweet couple! - Thank you.

Did you know the tickets are for the honeymoon package?

Hi, Leave a message.

Wow, It's just like in the movies. This place looks dangerous.

You call that a five star hotel? More like a fleabag motel.

Hey, theif!

Do you need help?

Thief! Thief! Theif!

- I should've gone after them. - It'd be a piece of cake for you to catch them.

- Yeah, I could've! - Chill out.

I brought a lot of clothes. You can borrow whatever you want.

Welcome to America. Ha! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

My motto is: "Top-notch accommodations for top-notch people."

Why does this guy look like HAN from "Fast and Furious"?

My name is Mr. Manny Love. I'm the manager of this wonderful establish...

- Taxi? - Where's the fire, bro?

There's no taxis in L.A.

Hey, look. We can't let people from the tour group start wandering around. Alright?

It's a matter of liability.

- I think he's saying you can't leave. - Yeah, I got that.

In fact, our insurance policy says that.

we gotta hold on to your valuables!

It's optional. It's up to you. But not really.

In exchange, you're gonna get a stack of this Manny Money voucher.

And you can use these at any of our Hollywood Adventures stops.

Manny Money! Even has my picture on it, so you know they're legit.

Am I right?

Xiaoming... Why were you calling for a taxi?

I'm going to look for my girlfriend.

What do you mean by that? Were you trying to ditch me?

I'm here to look for my girlfriend.

Do you really think I'm here for a honeymoon with you?

- Are you doing this on purpose? - No...

I didn't mean it earlier. Will you forgive me?

I can't forgive you. I'm asleep.

Come on down to Tommy's Golf Shop. We buy golf clubs! That's right! We buy...

Punch me! Punch me! Yeah!

A long-time collaboration between film Director, Wronald Wright

and the mega-popular international sensation actor Gary Buesheimer is over.

We know them as having collaborated on some of the top

box-office sensations for the last 10 years.

Rise from your slumber! Look alive!

Well, that's all over now.

Because just after filming their latest hit, "Another Man's Kiss",

Wright caught Buesheimer in bed with his wife,

up-and-coming starlet Kelly Ashley.

Wow! Seems that endangered animals are't the only wild things

that Buesheimer likes to unleash.

Oh, Kat Dennings, my goddess.

- Okay, smile. - Oscar statue!

Say cheese!

- It must be made of pure gold. - That's good.

Hi, leave a message.

Hi, Yan Yan. It's me. I have something really important to tell you.

This star has the most famous rodent in Hollywood.

- And you can take a picture. - Beauty.

I think that squirrel is staring at me. Is it because I'm too good-looking?

You're thinking too much.

Hi, leave a message.

Hi, it's me again. I'm not sure why the phone got cut off earlier.

I don't know if you got my last voicemail. Can you...

Damnit!

Okay, time to go!

Come on! We barely got to take any pictures! This isn't cool!

- Put down your phone. - Why?

Take it from a woman who knows, if she really misses you, she'll call you back.

Something is wrong here.

Indiana Jones is not left-handed. This looks like a fake.

You! You you you! I'm talking to you!

Stop! Theif!

- I got it! - Freeze! FBI!

- Hands in the air! - Drop the bag! Drop the bag!

For the first time I wished Dawei was right.

Why couldn't this just be a Hollywood movie, and not actually my life?

What a performance! So realistic!

- It's not a show! These are real guns! Stay down! - Real guns?!s

- Xiaoming, do you need my help? - No! Worry about yourself!

Yan Yan!

- I want my phone! - Do you want your life?

Captain America is back!

Yes!

Hurry up! Go go go!

I'm doomed, I missed her call!

- Then ask them to stop so you can answer the phone! - Yeah!

- Run! Real gun, real bullets! - Run fast!

Hi, I'm Dawei!

- Quick! Pass me that stick! - Xiaoming!

Another one! Hurry up!

Check if there's any other place we can escape!

Screw it!

"When it's time to jump, jump!"

- Come over here! - Hurry up, Xiaoming! Do you need help?

I have an idea. You're not the only one who watches movies!

Be careful!

The bad guy is almost out! Move!

Hurry up!

Be careful!

You're the worst tour guide ever!

This was your "great" idea?

Thanks for the soft landing, but I'm going to the police!

Oh brilliant! Remember the airport?

You think dealing with immigration was bad, wait untill you meet the LAPD

Give me the bag! I'll get you out of here!

- You think I'm stupid? - Just give me the bag!

"Come with me if you want to live!"

No way!

Throw at him!

Bigger!

Yes!

- Who are those people? What the hell did they want? - That bag.

Bag? Why don't we just give it to them?

How about you give me the bag?

And we'll go our separate ways.

Not a chance.

What is this? Are you trafficking drugs?!

Rhino horn? Don't they use this to make combs?

- Why risk your life for a stupid comb? - Actually buffalo horn is used for combs.

Crushed rhino horn is an aphrodisiac.

It costs a lot of money in America!

So the tour was a cover for you.

You sell horse-meat as beef-steak!

You're actually running a smuggling ring! So everyone else on the tour was also part of your operation?

- Yeah. Except the two of you.

The plot twists too fast! If this were a movie, it'd be the kind

that started shooting before the script was finished!

What kind of person are you? You're a criminal disguided as a tour guide, I should turn you and this bag over to the police!

- Hey, it's not like what you think! - I wish I had some Coca-Cola and popcorn.

If you'd let me go yesterday, I would be with Yan Yan now! None of this would've happened!

Hey! Hang on! You don't know the language or the city. But I do.

How about this: You give me the bag, and I'll take you to your girlfriend.

No! You take me to my girlfriend first, then I'll give you the bag.

Fine.

This is how we seal the deal in America. It's a deal now.

For Yan Yan.

Key! Let's go!

Oh, Agent Li, I don't think Interpol needs to be here. This is FBI jurisdiction.

Before I brought this smuggling ring to your attention,

they were operating with impunity, right under your furry nose.

If I were you, I would not choose this particular moment to start taking responsibility.

People, find me that Rhino horn! And then bring me the fools...

...who tried to take it!

Holy crap! The Terminator T-1000! Let's leave!

- He's just a security guard, okay? - No, he's the Terminator!

he must have come back from the future to destroy all human beings!

He's made of liquid metal, and can transform into anything! It's look like he's aging,

But on the inside he's killing machine! Let's leave quick.

- You've watched too many movies. They've rotted your brain. Calm down. - It's too dangerous to go there!

No matter who he is, I must get in there!

But that looks impossible.

- I have an idea. - Be careful!

This is really embarrassing.

I don't think she can fool the T-1000.

I messed up the tickets.

I thought maybe if they could see the studio lot,

I may not, you know, lose my job.

Look at me, in this silly uniform.

He's going to stab her eyes with his fingers!

Whoa! Say, nice shoes.

Just keep going! Make a right at the alien birthing facility!

It's a big building, Wronald Wright Productions. You can't miss it.

Did you get cream?

I'll be back with the cream.

Here we are. Nice doing business with you. Hopefully I'll see you next time!

Not until we find Yan Yan!

We had a deal. What if she's not here?

- I thought I could trust you. - Ha!

My Goddess! My goddess Kat Dennings!

I also want to have a time trip with you! Even if there's no electricity or internet,

or no movies and tv shows!

The car is flipping over her head and she's still able to reach up to touch the guy? That's completely impossible!

This is Hollywood, nothing is impossible here. Right, my goddess?

This next audition is Jimmy Wilson. Jimmy Wilson?

- Let's see if we can sneak in the back door. - I have an idea.

Oh, another great idea?

Hi!

I'm sorry, you can't be here.

You tell her Dawei is an actor, and he's here for the audition.

- Good idea. - We're here for the auditions.

This is Tong Dawei, my client.

Okay. But are you sure you are in the right place?

- Wronald Wrights office, please hold! - She doesn't believe you.

Uh, no no no. You can tell her...

I'm sorry you have to leave or I'll have to call security.

Oh, I see how it is. You're saying because my client is Chinese,

he can't audition for your movie?

No, I didn't...

I didn't know this was for white people only!

Now you're putting words into my mouth.

Do you know we have a black president,

and his number one pet peeve is the lack of diversity in Hollywood!

Please keep it down. I'll let the casting director know

- that Mr. Tang Dewei... - Please, Tong.

- Sorry. Sorry! - It's okay.

I'll let them know that Mr. Tong is here. Now please, have a seat,

- and if you need anything, water, coffee, just let me know. - Thank you.

- That was really impressive! - Just going with the flow.

I've never seen anyone as deceptive as you.

What are you trying to say?

You have talent, to be able to lie like that.

Are you calling me a liar?!

You don't know me! Don't ever call me a liar!

I didn't mean it that way. I meant you can "act"! Acting is one of your good qualities.

- Oh yeah? Let's talk about your good qualities! - What about me?

- Control freak! You think you can plan every second of your life? - What's wrong with that?

Tell me if I've got this right. You made big plans with your girlfriend back at home

without even asking her opinion. So she broke up with you. Then you desperately followed her to the US.

You think you can win her back by doing this?

At least I'm living my life the way I want! You pretend to be a tour guide, but you're just a criminal.

I wonder how much of your life is actually real!!

Get me to Yan Yan soon and we can go our separate ways. I never want to see you again.

- Alright, next is Tong Dawei. - That's me!

Okay, let's go.

Keep going, keep going. And you just, right on the mark, right there...

- "May the force be with you." - Okay.

"To infinity, and beyond!"

"I'm king of the world!"

Oh, my God! He's terrible. Sorry where did we find him? From YouTube?

Interesting... Okay. Can you give us a dramatic monologue, please?

A speech.

Should I call security?

One, two, three, action.

Whatever life holds in store for me, I'll never forget my uncle's last words:

"With great power comes great responsibility."

This is my gift from God. It is also my curse.

I didn't understand a word. I'm Asian, but not that Asian.

Who needs to understandwords when you can infuse a performance with such emotion and truth

that language becomes pointless.

No, I understood every word he said,

even though I didn't understand a single word he said.

Take notes, people. Because you've just witnessed the birth of a superstar!

I think we just found our Apocalyptic Traffic Cop #7.

Bravo, sir! Bravo!

I knew he was special the moment I walked him in.

- I was like, "there's the young Asian DeNiro." - Yeah!

He is one tasty dish!

- Ah, Wronald Wright! - This must be Yan Yan's desk.

- Are you sure this is her seat? - I'm sure.

There's no photo of me here.

- Did you find anything? - Not yet...

Aw man... I was two weeks away from a ponytail.

Yan Yan isn't here. Maybe she's on a movie set.

Hmm... Nice haircut

A deadly shooting took place earlier today at the Hollywood Exhibit.

The police have taken several suspects into custody,

including a local businessman named Bung Ho Lee, aka Manny Love.

I'm just an innocent Korean immigrant who is trying to live the American dream!

If you've got any information...

- We need to change our look. - Cheer up. What's wrong with you?

This hat is so cool! Do you like it?

How about this shirt? Oh my god! It looks great on you! You look amazing!

Ah, there's the smile! Smile...

God bless you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. 'Sup, dudes? Couple of movie stars!

The package in in my hand. I'm on my way. I'll deliver it.

You give me my passport and I'm done. See... What...

- Hey Beauty? Did you miss us? - You need a ride, miss?

This is Dougie. He'll take us to the set. That's is where Yan Yan is.

Oh, thank you.

Hey.

Oh, don't mind him. That's Free Range. Say hello, Free Range.

Sit back and relax. Time to get you guys to set.

- How long is the drive? - Two hours.

You understand Mandarin?

No, man. It doesn't matter what language, because the universe speaks to me in the moement.

- What did he say? - Äh...

- Where are my manners, anyone want a cookie? - No no no. Thank you.

I'm actually hungry.

- Hm, Delicious! - Hey, not bad for a newbie.

He knows the word Newbie (awesome)!

- He said I''m awesome! - Yeah, you're a newbie.

- I am awesome. I'm awesome. - Yeah, you're like a beginner. Newbie.

Well well well... Mr. Manny Love.

Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?

Bros, you have to trust me! I'm no law-breaker.

I love American laws. I love America.

She's the one that you want. Look, I didn't know her Hollywood Adventure tour

was a front for illegal activities.

I gave you permission to

search my motel and go through my records.

But you'll see she's using me.

I'll help you in any way I can to bring this fugitive to justice.

- Dougie! - Morning!

- Be careful, okay? - Awesome...

- Newbie. - Awesome...

This guy Manny must really mean something to you.

Manny? That's ridiculous! It's because of him that I ended up like this...

Smuggling, scamming all day long.

What kind of person I've become? I trusted someone I should've, and now I'm like this... a fugitive on the run.

- Then what do you want with the rhino horn? - I want to get out of this.

The money I can get from selling it, I can buy a new passport, get a new life.

Real freedom. I want to go home.

How long has that chicken been sitting there?

Dougie! Dougie! Wake up! Dougie! Wake up!

Wake up! Wake up!

Dougie! Wake up! Wake up!

Dougie? Dougie? Hopefully he's not dead.

I've learned from movies is never be caught with a dead white guy!

It's my fault. After I noticed Dougie almost fell asleep, I should've driven.

You can blame me. The studio wanted to take us out tomorrow.

I surrender, sheriff.

It was me who keep screaming at Dougie, "NOW!"

Your English is not so bad.

Are you kidding me? I couldn't have gone anywhere without you.

You were right. Everything you said back in the studio elevator.

That was just lucky guess.

Try it. Start her up.

Wow! You're amazing!

Hey, my phone is inside! Dougie!

What just happened? What just happaned?

At least he's not dead.

Dawei, please tell us, if this were a movie, what would we do next?

We walk.

What's that thing you've been playing with?

Golden bird. My father gave it to me before he passed away.

It was the year I turned 8 years old. I remember clearly, It was raining that day,

the street was crowded.

We went through an alley, then a guy appeared.

He tried to take my mom's necklece,

my dad tried to fight back. All of a sudden, he took out a gun.

I watched my parents died in the street.

From that point, my butler raised me.

He's a nice man. Very loyal to my family.

Now I'm just traveling around the world, hoping to learn more,

so in the future, I can take over my dad's business.

Wow... You're Batman!

Is that a giant boot?

- Yes. - Just making sure...

- What is it for? - I think it's just a boot.

America!

Big Barbeque Boot. Oh, it's a Barbeque! I'm starving! I want meat!

Barbeque meat! Quick!

- How come I don't feel hungry anymore? - Let's leave.

Keep going!

"Reach for the sky..."

- What're you doing? Stop messing around. - They'll beat us up...

"I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude."

"I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her."

Are you making fun of us, boy?

- We gotta do something... "Why so serious?"

Punch me! Punch me! Punch me!

- Punch me. - What?

- Punch me! - Are you out of your mind?

You left your phone in the car, and even let him drive away!

I'm telling you, you'd better stop yelling at me! Don't you think we're in enough trouble already?

You're a liar. Absolutely a big liar!

- What did you say? - Your whole entire life, you're doomed to be cheated!

Even your punch feels like a cheat.

Is there a window open? Because I feel a breeze.

Whiskey's on me!

This is the idea you made up with your head?

More like I made it using my face.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hit you so hard.

I deserved it.

That stuff I said earlier, I didn't meant it.

You know... You're not the first fool to

fly across the world for love.

No way... You too?

- Sometimes, love is blind. - Is he in the film business?

Not everyone in Hollywood is in the film business.

I always thought he was the one.

One day he told me he had some big news to share.

I thought he was going to propose to me.

So that day, I did my nails, and my hair.

I also brought a very expensive dress.

- Then... - Then he proposed.

He proposed to someone else.

That was the moment I found out who he really was.

Later I reallized he'd lied about everything.

- I'm sorry... - That's in the past.

I feel pretty good now.

Only I feel sorry for my parents.

They had warned me that

going to America for this guy wasn't smart.

They cried and begged me not to go. I was very stubborn then.

I told them I must go to America. I would live a good life.

I felt ashamed to go back home.

Then I found a job. Tour guide.

I didn't realize I was hired as a cover for smuggling operation.

If you knew you were being used, why didn't you leave?

Manny is very tricky.

He knows America well.

He would frame every crime on me.

So, your story checks out. You're free to go.

Thank you. Thank you for your hospitality, gentlemen.

Speaking of hospitality, please be my guest at "Hotel Five Star" Motel.

I'll even give you a discount. Five... Ten percent.

- That's never gonna happen. - I appreciate your honesty, Agent Fox.

For that, you get fifteen percent.

But don't tell Agent Tight-ass over here.

It's our little secret, right?

Well well well...

Troublemaker.

Rise and shine, pertners! Yee-hoo! Rise and shine, partners!

Rise and shine, partners! Yee-hoo!

- Good morning, lovebirds. - Morning.

My little cousin's. It should fit you.

- You guys ready for some bacon and eggs? - Sorry, we gotta go.

- Got a long walk ahead of us. - Walking? Outta here?

The vultures be picking your bones by sunset.

Thanks. We will be okay.

No no. You gotta ride outta here in style. On the Hog!

- The Hog? - That sound really powerful.

Do you know how to drive?

I think we have to climb over this.

Almost there.

Everyone freeze! If this were a movie, the snake would bite my butt.

Then Xiaoming would have to suck my butt to save my life.

Not in this movie!

An animal was harmed during the making of this film. This scene will be deleted.

It's so quiet.

- Hello? Hello? - Is anyone here?

Is anyone here?

RUN!

Holy crap! What are you, Robocop?

- Your aim is amazing! Where did you learn that? - From movies.

- I think this belongs to you. - Don-don't tell anyone.

- Okay. - Cut! Cut! Cut...

- I think we were in a movie just now. - Cut! Cut! Cut!

Cut!

What was that? What was that? The car is not supposed to flip!

The car is supposed to crash into the building and then it's suppposed to blow up!

- Did you change that? Did you change that? - No, sir!

Somebody changed that. Who changed that?

Who's going around behind my back changing things, huh?

You, you with the beard. You changed it?

Everybody does it now, that's the new game.

Wronald will never find out we're having an affair. He'll look like a fool.

But what difference does it make because we're having so much fun fornicationg!

Well, fuck you, Gary Buesheimer! Huh!

Fuck Gary Buesheimer!

- Who is the director yelling to "screw"? - Gary Buesheimer

- Fuck you, Gary Buesheimer! - He screwed the director's wife.

Divorce is hard. But making movie is harder.

So when I say I want the building to blow up,

it means I want the building to blow up!

Did the... building just blow up?

Who the hell are you, huh? You know what you've done?

You've just taken my 4 million dollar action sequence, you took it out to the pasture,

you took it out behind the barn, and then you shot it in the head!

- Xiaoming? - Yan Yan?

Yan Yan, don't tell me you have anything to do with these guys!

I wish I could. I'm so sorry.

In the back again! In the back again! Always behind the back!

Right behind the back!

Who got this in my shot, huh? Who parked this thing here?

- You did, sir. - Well, then movie it!

I heard the explosion went off early. Is anyone hurt?

- Me! Very bad hurt! - Oh, you poor man! Do you need help?

Yeah, I hurt myself today to see if I still feel.

You're so cute. Here, come in my trailer.

Let's see if I can help you feel again.

Why do you always mess things up?

I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I came to America for you.

I don't want to break up with you. We can still...

Xiaoming, I know you really care about me. I do

But you have to understand, I found the thing I want here. Something I love.

But I'm already here. As long as you don't break up with me,

- Xiaoming... - I can do whatever you need me to do.

- Yan Yan! - I've move on.

Yan Yan!

Please go.

Yan Yan!

Do you have any idea what he went through to...

- Who are you? Who is he to you? - He flew halfway around the world and went through three days of hell.

He almost lost his life

all just for a chance to see you. Do you know how hard it is to find a guy like him?

Sure, he can be a bit boring. He's not spontaneous and he's stubborn.

But he's a guy who would do anything for the woman he loves.

A guy who'd die for you!

If I had your kind of luck, and found a guy who loved me that much, I would never let him go.

I don't even know what I'm talking about.

But I just think the least you can do is hear him out.

Xiaoming, wait! Wait for me!

I've had enough. I don't know what I was thinking. I should never have come here!

You went with your heart. You had to face it anyway!

And? Look where it got me.

By the way, thank you. Thank you for finding Yan Yan for me.

Really, thank you very much.

Oh, wait... I fogot to shoot my travel documentary.

I'm not in the mood to do this, Dawei. I'm warning you...

You should be in the mood now. The hero is at his low point,

just before he gets inspired to save the day.

I'm telling you one last time! This is not a damn movie!

And I'm not a hero! I'm just a guy standing in the middle of the desert, a big stupid idiot!

Can you say it again? This time emphasize the world "Idiot."

Okay, I'm done. Bye, ladies and gentlemen! See you never!

Shit!

Lose something?

You know what I love about good apple pie?

It's not too sweet.

You know, some things you eat and it just make you sick to your stomach.

Other things, just not sweet enough. But pie... pie is in the middle!

It's right on target. See, pie is reasonable. I love me some reasonable.

Such an ominous, metaphorical speech! I think it's turning into a horro film.

Oh, I almost forgot. There's your phone, bro!

Don't worry, your girl's safe. Under the care of some of my associates at an undisclosed location, of course.

Oh ho!

- Here, take it. Let her go - Come on.

What do I look like here, huh? Do you think I'd take the trouble of coming up with this brilliant import operation,

putting your name in the paperwork,

becoming some two-bit delivery boy while the feds are breathing up my ass?

Bro, there's a reason I framed you.

You will make the delivery. You wil bring me my money. And that's no play, Wei Wei.

That's just a reasonable business decision.

That's the address to my buyer.

You drive there, you make the delivery and you bring me my money.

Then you get the girl in one piece. Easy as pie.

He wants us to deliver the rhino horn and get his money.

I've arranged tranportation for you in the parking lot. You got 24 hours.

But 24 hours and a minute from now, I will personally put two bullets in her stomach.

This in too intense...

- You sure this is the right address? - Do you need help?

Stay in the car!

Don't they know that the sidekick never stays in the car?

- Hey, guys! What's up? - Rick Fox! Los Angeles Lakers.

Three-time world champion Rick Fox, player.

- We're here to deliver the package. - Cool.

No no! No money, no deal.

Can you ladies excuse us? Gracias.

Look, that's not how it's done. You give me the bag now, you get your money later.

- No. - Xiaoming, something's not right here.

- Let's go back discuss and come back later. - No! I must get the money!

- No money, no Yan Yan. - Trust me. I'm not wrong.

- Is that a yes? - Show me the money!!

Yeah, okay. Come on in.

- Be cool... - Okay.

Yes yes, we're getting somewhere. So who's gonna jump up in?

Hey, Gary, you got a couple friends looking for you.

Gary Buesheimer... Do you remember that film actor?

Hello there.

- We have your Rhino. - You better not say anything right now.

Rhino! In here!

They fit a whole rhinoceros in that little bag?

Yes! Here!

Have you got a giraffe in there as well?

Oh, I know a Greenpeace fundraiser when I see one.

A true environmentalist's work is never done.

Come on inside! I'll write you another check.

I know, right? The high life. And this is nothing.

Well, a golden cage might be gold but it's still a cage.

And with the spotlight always on you,

you gotta be the great guy, work hard, donate to all the right charities.

But the great thing about Hollywood is, it's the only place in the world where,

you can be somebody else.

I mean, it's all fake. You just have to believe.

And if you believe, the audience believes.

If you have a little imagination, anything's possible. Check and mate.

Of course, at the end of the day. we're all just humans.

And everyone has their little quirks.

For example, tomorrow's my annual Pink Party,

and it's all this planning... See, and for what?

The public thinks it's a funraiser for

endangered dodos or some shit.

But when in actuality... Well, let's just say we dance with the devil.

So again, it's all an illusion, but an addicting, necessary one.

So when someone comes to my house and starts yelling across a lawn full of distinguished guests

some nonsense about rhinoceros horn,

the smoke and mirrors start to fall away

and people start to see you, the real you.

And all the work that went in to creating and maintaining that illusion

go down the goddamned drain!

Why couldn't you just keep your mouth shut?

Okay okay. See? Let her go. Take me. Okay?

What? You wannna be a hero just like in the movies?

Doesn't work that way in reality.

Run!

Run quickly!

Where are you going, baby? Fiesta's just about to start!

There she is. There she is...

Four days ago, I was happy, comfortable, content.

I thought that by having the perfect plan nothing in my life would go wrong.

But what I didn't expect,

is that by being hung upside down, I'd finally see everything right side up.

You okay? Troublemaker?

I'm sorry. If I had listened to you and left earlier,

we wouldn't...

Don't be silly. It's all my fault.

No. We made a good team.

- I think... - Time to take out the trash!

- Dawei, how did you... - Shh!

- Dawei? - Need my help?

Yeah!

- You don't know when to quit, do you? - What's going on, Xiaoming?

Hey, I knocked out Rick Fox from the Lakers!

I knocked out Rick Fox from the Lakers!

You had this superhero ability all along, why didn't you use it earlier?

I asked you if you needed help, you kept saying no.

Now we're really in a deep mess.

The rhino horn's gone, we have nothing.

There's gotta be a way.

We don't have a plan... We have nothing.

We have each other.

All that stuff you did back there, Dawei? How did you do it?

After my parents' death, I've been traveling around the world, learning different cultures and martial arts.

I want to make myself stronger, to protect friends around me.

I know how we can get Yan Yan back.

- Do you think Manny'd meet us somewhere? - As long as he's got his two thugs, yes.

- Can you take care of the two thugs and Manny? - Easy as pie.

Dawei, I think you're the hero. I'm not.

- I'm just your sidekick. - That's exactly what the hero'd say.

Will you go with us?

Rise up to fight the opponent who bullies, be a hero in your life!

Buesheimer? Gary Buesheimer? He's the buyer, huh?

- Yeah. - Did he give you the money? All $500,000?

- Yep, all of it. - Well, I'm glad everything went so smooth.

- He's reasonable. Like you. - Ah...

Good. Because I heard he could be difficult.

- But you don't know who to believe, do you? - He's actually a great guy.

In fact, we hung around his place for a while.

The point is, we have your money. You have Yan Yan. Let's exchange.

- Bring her to the corner of... - Whoa whoa, bro! I call the shots.

- We have the money. - And I got the girl.

As of right now, she doesn't have any bullets in her.

So this is how it's gonna go down. We're gonna do this at the Pink Party.

- Pink Party? - Yeah, I've aways wanted to go.

Since Buesheimer and you are best buddies now like you say,

it won't be a problem for you to get a few invitations for us to his party.

VIP that you are. It's easy as pie.

Yes yes, of course.

- It's just... - Tell him I want to speak to Yan Yan.

Xiaoming wants to know Yan Yan is okay.

Hello?

- Xiaoming. - Yan Yan!

- I know you want to save me. But I... - Yan Yan!

We'll see you at the party, bros.

What did he say?

He wants to do the exchange at the Pink Party.

It's a party that is almost impossible to get into!

The Pink Party is the most exclusive event in Hollywood.

Nobody, not even the staff know the location until the day of the party.

And we have to make the exchange while Buesheimer is there.

This is an impossibility.

This is Hollywood. Everything is possible. Nothing is impossible.

Impossible! Get out of here!

What's the matter, don't you speak English?

Actually, they don't.

Well, let's see if they understand this.

No!

Another unnecessarily angry director. You should suggest pet adoption, learning how to love...

- Hey, you saying something about me? - Uh, he said he understands your feelings.

You understand. You understand my feelings.

Yeah, you sneak onto my closed set, you ruin my $4 million action sequence,

and now you come asking me for help?

Why the hell would I wanna help you anyway?

Three words: Fuck... Gary... Buesheimer.

Barbara, hold my calls.

Give me the invite.

You're good.

- Hi! - Why are you in a dress?

Look good, right?

He didn't bring Yan Yan.

His thugs must have her outside. I'll go take a look.

- So Buesheimer? - He'll be here. Where is Yan Yan?

Come on, bro. How stupid do you think I am? Where's the money?

Delicious!

All right, bring in the princess.

- Gary Buesheimer! - Gary! Gary!

Sorry.

- Hi... - Hello there!

Don't speak. I know what you're gonna say. this town, right?

Everything all the time. But it's a cage. A golden cage,

- But a cage is still a cage, am I right? - Cage?

You get me, don't you? I love your accent. Are you Spanish?

- You're so mysterious. - Mystery?

Yes, but sometimes you can see past the mystery.

Sometimes I feel I can see inside a person and you have those kind of eyes.

Those kind of eyes that don't lie.

I have some pixie dust that'll blow your mind and tickle your soul.

Have you ever had your soul tickled?

- Where is Yan Yan? - Come on, bro. Enjoy the party.

I think I'm gonna say hello to the man whose life I've been improving all these years.

- Wait! Wait! - What?

You don't want to bother him while he's busy.

What can I say? I'm a fan.

Mr. Buesheimer? I just wanna say it's been a pleasure doing business with you.

Business? Who are you?

Let's get out of cage.

All these years, taking care of your needs.

Come on, pixie sexy time!

- How'd you get in here? - What do you mean? Your pals, of course.

My pals?

I thought you took care of this guy! Huh? Didn't you?

My parents always said to me,

"If you don't plan to fail, then don't fail to plan."

This is Hollywood. Nothing is impossible.

If we can't get into the Pink Party, We throw our own Pink Party.

So no matter how big or small always have everything planned out.

Where's Gary Buesheimer?

And of course remember the details are very important.

The car salesman's handbook says there are three steps to success.

Start early, stay focused, and finish with a smile.

- Five hundred thousand dollars?! - You'll get it back.

Fuck Gary Buesheimer! Remember?

The Director brings actors to set the stage.

This is Hollywood, nothing is impossible.

You just have to believe. Would you believe we switched the driver?

But what my parents had told me, I didn't fully understand. I finally realize what was missing...

something I learned here in America.

You can't plan everything.

Sometimes you've got to follow your heart and just wing it.

- Bro. Deal's off! - You think you can screw me?! Huh?

Don't let that son of a bitch get away!

Lookie this way!

- Dawei, be my sidekick. - Copy that!

Get out! Go take care of them!

- Hey, keys! - Thank you!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, thank you for letting me borrow your car.

Hey!

- What's going on? - Shut your face!

Give me my bag! Fernando, you are useless! Get out of here!

All of you, get out of here! You're all fired. I don't wanna see you anymore!

Damne useless pieces of shit! Okay, baby. Let's boogie!

We'll boogie, baby. Oh, we'll boogie!

Wronald? Whoa!

- Wronald! No! - Oh Yeah! This one's for Kelly!

Eight, nine, twelve thousand.

Safety first!

Thattaboy.

Buckle up, pretty girl.

Xiaoming! Go get her!

"Hasta la vista, baby."

He's getting away! What should we do?

You drive!

- What are you doing? - You told me before to go with my gut!

Hey!

Go faster! Pass him!

Shoot his front tire!

You are Robocop! Trust me!

I got you now.

Easy as pie.

Holy crap! Completely unrealistic! How was it possible?

You're the one who told me, this is Hollywood, nothing is impossible.

I told you that you're the hero.

You saved me.

- Freeze! Freeze! Don't move! - Freeze! Get your hands up!

On your feet!

It's Gary Buesheimer, The movie star/philanthropist.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held...

- You're like a Christmas pig! - This will be held against you, sir.

- You have the right to... - Oh my god.

Alright, that's enough. Your last movie stunk, by the way.

- Put your hands behind your back! - Take it easy, bro!

- Shut up! - I'm just an innocent Korean immigrant!

In the end of a movie, everything will be resolved.

The good guys team up save the day. The hero gets girl.

And love conquers all.

Goodbye. Troublemaker.

Your friend gave this to us.

I'll tell you one last time. This is not a damn movie!

I'm not a hero! I'm just a guy standing in middle of the desert, a big stupid idiot!

Can you say it again? This time emphasize the word, "Idi..."

Do you think I would take the trouble to come up with a brilliant import operation,

put your name in the paperwork,

becoming some two-bit delivery boy while the feds are breathing up my ass?

There's a reason why I set you up, bro.

- Cause you will make the delivery... - You're free to go.

You will bring me my money.

And that's no play, Wei Wei. That's just a reasonable business decision.

The movies will have you believe everyone gets their special person.

And together, they'll live happily ever after.

But life is not a Hollywood movie. This is real life.

And real love will spin you so much that

you'll do whatever it takes to make them happy...

Even... walk away.

With real love, there are no guarantees. Nothing is pre-destined.

There are no fireworks. No Hollywood ending.

Miss Zhao WeiWei.

Welcome to the rest of your life. I'm your tour guide, Xiaoming.

Uh, is there anything special you wanted to do during your stay?

You know how I just said that real life has no Hollywood endings?

Forget it. Pretend I didn't say anything.

Troublemaker.

Come to bed soon, honey!

Hey, Free Range. I feel like we're forgetting something.

What's that? Tunes, you're right!

- Oh no. - It's all good. It's all good.

- You have a wonderful stay in America! - Take your glove off.

Sorry.

Just because you've just entered our country doesn't me we have to enter you.

You saved me.

- Easy as pie. - Stop that!

- Oh, the piggy pooped. - The pig pooped again. Cutting! Perfect!

Cat's in the cradle, boys! Cow jumped over the moon, boys!

No!

No, no, I'm so sorry!

Welcome to America!

Flap, the first!

Hollywood, here I come!

Subtitle by kterydragon