Original subtitles

NARRATOR: That afternoon at the Farhampton Inn,

Aunt Lily and I tried to check in.

Are you chewing gum?

You never chew gum.

You shouldn't chew gum in here.

Nobody cares if I chew gum, Ted.

Are you chewing gum?

Yes, she is. She's chewing gum.

Ooh, can I have a piece?

Of course! Great.

Thank you.

Okay, let's chew some gum

and get you guys all checked in.

Ms. Aldrin, how many keys will you need?

Two, please.

My husband's getting in later.

Excellent, and Mr. Mosby?

Uh, just one, please.

Oh, oh, I-I see.

Oh.

Well, hang in there.

You'll find somebody.

Thank you, front desk stranger.

I'm sorry, we just... we just don't get a lot of singles here.

I mean, look at this place.

It's so romantic.

Countless babies conceived within these walls.

And one... grisly murder.

Now, are you sure that you wouldn't

feel more comfortable staying at a motel?

What? No, look.

I'm not some miserable, lonely person.

Tell him, Lily.

It's a tough weekend for him.

Bro.

We're here for a wedding. Ouch.

And he used to date the bride. Ooh, mama.

And he's the best man. Devastating.

Could you please just check us in?

Oh, your rooms aren't gonna be ready for hours.

But in the meantime,

Ms. Aldrin, I definitely think

you and your husband should check out the lighthouse.

It's a beautiful view of the bay-- so romantic.

Oh, wow.

Here's the channel guide

for the TV.

Don't listen to him, Ted.

(phone ringing) You are not alone.

In fact, this whole weekend,

it is going to be nothing but me and...

Marshall!

Oh, thank God, you're on your way.

If I had to be here alone, I would kill myself.

Marshall missed his flight.

He might not get here tonight.

He might not get here at all.

We...

only have a few of these left.

Hi...

Linus.

Here's how this goes down.

If I'm going to make it through this weekend without my husband,

I need you to hook a lady up.

Any time you see me without a drink in my hand,

you put a drink in my hand.

Are you my guy, Linus?

So you want the Kennedy Package?

Bingo.

(phone rings) Go for Barney.

Ah.

Thank you Linus.

Barney, before you get too upset,

there's another flight that leaves in five minutes.

You're getting on it. I'm gonna try.

There is no try!

You're getting on that plane.

Hey, growth spurt.

If there is only one seat left on this plane,

I will fight you for it.

And I'm a biter.

Marshall, whoever that is, grab her carry-on

and throw it into a restricted area.

I'm serious. Do it. Do it now.

What? No.

Barney, are you...?

No, I'm not gonna...

That's... No.

There is no "What, no, Barney, are you,

no I'm not gonna, that's no!"

This is a holiday weekend.

You're not gonna get to New York by being nice.

So you're gonna have to lose the whole Midwestern

aw-shucksy-doodles thing...

Shucksy doodles?

...and act like a New Yorker.

A pushy, obnoxious, knock-the-other-guy-down-

and-take-his-hot-dog resident of the greatest city on earth!

No can do, Barney.

I'm from Minnesota,

where there's plenty of hot dogs for everyone.

Perhaps even too many.

But listen,

I'm gonna get to New York

without being a jerk.

Just get to New York!

I'll get to New York!

Nobody's getting to New York.

Not this weekend anyway.

There's a big storm rolling up the East Coast.

All the airports are closing.

My advice is rent a car and drive.

But you better hurry.

They're gonna run out of cars soon.

(groans)

Okay, listen.

If we're both going to New York,

why don't we rent a car, split the drive?

That seems like a reasonable plan.

Can I help you with that diaper bag?

Sure. Thank you. Oh, it's...

Have a nice bus ride, pumpkin head!

(panting)

Hey, lady.

Yeah, you just threw away your ticket

to a really great road trip.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

You're all the way back there,

and I'm all the way up here.

(laughing) Oh, you can hear me.

Get ready to be driving the jealous-mobile

because our car is gonna have games,

snacks, a James Patterson audio book

my mother describes as "cluttering her glove box."

Your car? I'll be in Pittsburgh before you get your car.

We'll see about that.

And if you're going to New York, you're not gonna want

to go through Pittsburgh.

94 backs up around Allentown,

so you're gonna want to stick on 80.

Jerk face!

Come on, universe.

I'm a nice guy.

Send me a miracle.

NARRATOR: And then the universe sent your Uncle Marshall...

Herm.

Okay, people, let's move it along. What do you want?

You want a car? You got a car. Beat it.

What kind of car do you want?

Too slow, you get a minivan.

Next. Ah, midsize sedan.

Incoming. Next.

Yes! You want a gas option?

Nobody wants a gas option. Get out of here.

Next.

Hello. I need a car.

You've got it. That's all of them.

We're all out of cars, everybody.

Wait, no!

You let this guy beat you?

Ma'am, it's not a race.

That right there is why you lost.

Maybe this is your fault.

Did you ever think of that?

Maybe if you had just been

a little bit nicer, then you would be

the one driving this lovely...

What kind of car is it?

NARRATOR: Now, kids, I don't remember the actual name of this car,

but to an environmentalist like Marshall,

this car was a monstrosity.

2006 Monstrosity.

* Monstrosity

* 'Cause global warming's not real. *

Oh, no, not a Monstrosity.

I'll take it. I can't drive that.

I can. Give me the Monstrosity.

Do you have anything else? I'll take the Monstrosity.

There's nothing else. Give me the keys, old man!

It's just so freaking huge!

Well, actually it's a Monstrosity Sport,

so it's a little smaller.

* Monstrosity Sport

* It's still freaking huge.

Fine. I'll take it.

But I'm also gonna need a baby seat.

We're all out of baby seats. Get out of here.

Oh, my God-- what am I gonna do?

I don't care.

(groans)

Can I make a suggestion?

I rent the car,

then I go buy the car seat, come back here,

pick you guys up, and then the three of us

drive to New York together.

(laughs quietly)

Let me get this straight.

So, you're gonna rent the car,

go and get a baby seat for my son,

and then drive all the way back here to pick me up.

That's right.

Well, then you're gonna need some cash. Here.

Hundred bucks ought to cover it.

So, we'll see you soon.

You got it, Michael! Marshall.

Doesn't matter now, does it?

Remember this day, Marvin.

Not only is this the day that we either saw Prince

or a... a really flamboyantly dressed greyhound,

it's also the day that your dad chose not to be a jerk...

and put his trust in humanity.

Just watch where it gets us.

Shucksy-doodles!

NARRATOR: Uncle Marshall was just about ready

to abandon his faith in humanity.

But let's back up a little bit.

And now the true tale of the Stinson Curse.

BARNEY: Moscow, 1807.

(Russian accent): What a wonderful night at the opera.

Wouldn't you agree, Comrade Barnovski?

(Russian accent): I would indeed, Comrade Jamesokoff.

But you know what made it truly wonderful?

Being here with my wife...

the beet in my borscht, the fur on my hat,

the only person I've ever been attracted to, ever.

I feel the same way about Kyle...

my plutonic friend from work.

(clattering)

Is it just me, or did that feel like we hit an old Gypsy woman?

Yep. Old Gypsy woman.

Good call, Barnovski. Oh, well, she's just a peasant.

Home, Smirnoff.

Wait, she's saying somethink!

(low, deep moan)

Hornier.

Hornier.

Hornier?

Sonobovich!

Did she just put a curse on us?

Eh, nonsense, brother.

Okay, let's go, Smirnoff.

Smirnoff?

Homina, hominovich. Mmm,

Smirnoff, I would climb you like the Kremlin Wall.

What's happening to me?

Don't you see? You're getting hornier, brother,

just like the old Gypsy woman said!

Oh, hello there.

(chuckles) Ever had a White Russian?

BARNEY: For the next 200 years,

every male member of the Stinson family

was afflicted by the Gypsy's curse,

an unquenchable thirst for booty

that no committed relationship could ever satisfy.

That is, until my brother James

met his husband Tom.

The day they got married, they lifted the curse forever,

freeing me from the shackles

of having sex with lots of different women.

Although, sometimes

Robin and I still use the shackles.

Bondage five!

Whoa. I can't, I can't,

I can't.

(phone rings) Go for Barney!

Ah.

Thank you, Linus.

This is worse than I thought.

I know. Showtime, no HBO?

JAMES: No.

Tom and I are getting divorced.

What? TED: What?

That's why you look extra handsome.

I do get extra hot when I'm single.

Your skin looks amazing.

Looks amazing. I know.

So... so what happened? Why-why'd you guys break up?

Well, the thing to remember

is that when something like this happens,

it's nobody's fault.

You cheated on him. Repeatedly.

I thought about keeping it quiet,

but then I realized, wouldn't my family want me

to be honest with them about news this big?

Oh, can I just say five things?

What is the matter with-- sorry, six-- you?!

Ooh! What?!

I'm-I'm sorry about you and Tom,

but you can't just drop a bombshell like this

so close to someone's wedding.

You broke the curse. You and Tom

are the only couple

that makes Barney believe in marriage.

(chuckles) Really? The only couple?

I mean, no one else comes to mind?

Been together 17 years?

She's a spunky redhead, he's got calves

that launched a thousand lady boners?

BARNEY: Hey, sorry about that.

Hey, did you guys know

that Sunday is James' and Tom's anniversary?

How cool is that?

We're anniversary bros!

Every year, we should go out and celebrate...

just the two of us.

Listen, bro, you...

I know, I know, "Please, Barney,

you don't have to get us an anniversary gift this year."

You get them an anniversary gift?

Why shouldn't I? They're the one couple

that makes me believe marriage is possible.

I mean, I'm sitting right here.

Thank you, Linus.

JAMES: Barney, the thing is...

Cover your ears and hum "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."

Why?

It's for the bride.

Oh, it's for... (humming)

Okay, listen, James,

my cousin Vince is a Mountie.

His girlfriend is back home, but he gets gay at weddings.

He's yours. I am giving you Vince.

Just please, don't tell Barney.

If he finds out that the only

successful marriage in his life is over...

I hate everyone at this table.

...it'll spook him.

I don't want him getting spooked.

Robin, have some faith.

Do you really think what you and Barney have is that fragile?

I don't want to find out.

Fine.

Thanks, baby.

No sweat. Mmm...

So, James, seriously, where's Tom?

He can't make the wedding.

He had his wisdom teeth out.

Ugh! On top of a divorce?

That is rough.

Uh-oh.

What is she talking about?

Tom and I are getting a divorce.

Excuse me.

Vince... off the table.

What was that? I don't know. It just came out.

That's it. It's barely even noon.

You're cut off.

Thank you, Linus.

Thank you, Linus.

Thank you, Linus.

Thank you, Linus.

Thank you, Linus.

Okay, but after that one, you're cut off!

No! No, you are not doing this. Step away from the desk.

What are you talking about?

You just found out about James and Tom,

and it totally freaked you out, and now you're asking this guy

to point you in the direction

of the nearest, dirtiest strip club.

Oh, well, that-that's a tough one.

Uh, the nearest one that's-that's kind of dirty

is The Sand Box,

but the, uh... the dirtiest one that's nearby

is The Crab Shed.

Dude.

Sorry. Uh, but hey, if-if you do go,

maybe you could take Ted.

I'm really worried about that kid.

No, Robin, I am not going to a strip club.

Especially right now.

Could you imagine the day shift at The Crab Shed?

Robin...

I came to the desk to get this.

Is that the key to our room?

It's the key to James's room.

Oh, my.

What is that?

It's an erotic cake.

I wanted to surprise them for their anniversary.

Is that... is that James and Tom?

Mmm, caramel marzipan, chocolate marzipan.

I love chocolate marzipan.

So does Tom. Used to anyway.

This is, uh, absolutely the, uh... the weirdest thing

anyone has ever done for their sibling.

I love you so much.

You thought I was gonna freak out.

Well, I mean, a Gypsy cursed your family

to become hornier and do awesome guitar solos.

Can you blame me?

Look, am I bummed about James and Tom getting a divorce?

Obviously. But I don't need them

to make me believe in true love anymore.

I've got you for that now.

Mmm.

Oh, man, now I gotta figure out what to do with all this stuff.

Well, before we do that...

um, would it be all right if I nibbled

on your brother's Ding Dong?

How about we nibble

on my brother's Ding Dong together?

I'd like that.

NARRATOR: So, they cleaned all that stuff out of there

and had a talk with James.

And Barney didn't freak out, because here's the thing, kids.

When you believe in people, people come through.

Just so we're clear, I pick the music.

Of course.

Say it.

Say, "Daphne picks the music."

Daphne picks the music.

And you pay for gas.

Are you kidding? Do you have any idea

how much gas this thing takes?

(engine revs) No, no, okay!

Okay, I pay for gas.

Good. Now, get in.

It's a long ride to Phoenix.

Say what?

(laughs) I'm just kidding.

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

This must be the singles table.

(chuckles) Guess it is.

Well, it's kind of nice to be asking this question

instead of answering it for a change:

How are you doing?

I don't know.

I'm trying to be happy for my brother,

but, uh... I guess a person

has a different perspective on weddings

when he knows what's down there at the end of the aisle.

It's not all champagne and frosting.

Mr. Stinson, your room is ready.

And, Ted...

she's right around the corner.

Thank you, Curtis.

I feel it, too.

No, no, no, the-the housekeeper.

She's in the room that's right around the corner from yours.

Oh. So another hour, tops.

Sure.

Okay, see you later, Ted.

You're not giving up, James.

And neither am I.

(footsteps approach)

TED: Hey, beautiful.

Hi.

God, you look great.

What? Come on.

You do!

I've been in a car all morning.

I just ate a croissant crumb that I found in my bra.

I'm disgusting.

Yeah, I saw you do that. And it was super hot. Come here.

(chuckles) You come here. Come here.

No, you come here. Come here.

Hey, you want to hear something funny?

Mm-hmm.

One year ago today, almost to the minute,

I was sitting at this very table

right in that seat.

Oh, yeah. I can see it.

Nursing your gin and tonic with three extra limes,

doing the crossword,

probably being all showboat-y about it.

I wasn't being showboat-y about it.

"Vesuvius." Boo-yah!

Oh, wait, that doesn't fit.

The point is, one year ago today,

I made a promise to myself right at this table.

THE MOTHER: What was the promise?

BOTH TEDS: I'm coming back, and I'm bringing you.

Wait a second. Hold it.

One year ago today, you hadn't even met me.

I know, but I knew I would.

And now it's a year later.

And here I am.

Here you are.

Love in your eyes,

baked goods in your undergarments.

Yeah.

You picked a real winner, Mosby.

I did.

Okay, seriously, what the crap

is taking so long with these rooms?

It was like this last year.

I'll be right back.

I'll be right here.

Sorry that took so long.

Please...

try to enjoy your stay.

I will.

Try to.

I will enjoy my stay.

Try.

Not gonna try.

Just... just gonna do it.

Good for you.

Not good for me.

No, just-just neutral for me.

Attaboy. No, at not a boy.

It gets better.

I am fine, Curtis. Okay?

I enjoy and appreciate the happiness of other people

whether I am in a relationship or not. Okay? Curtis?

So just-just...

just go ahead and give me my one key

because I am fine.

Oh, come on! I need another drink.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org