1
00:00:04,172 --> 00:00:06,842
NARRATOR: That afternoon
at the Farhampton Inn,

2
00:00:06,874 --> 00:00:09,414
Aunt Lily and I
tried to check in.

3
00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:10,583
Are you chewing gum?

4
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:11,811
You never chew gum.

5
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:13,745
You shouldn't chew gum
in here.

6
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:16,421
Nobody cares if
I chew gum, Ted.

7
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:17,490
Are you chewing gum?

8
00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:19,318
Yes, she is.
She's chewing gum.

9
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:20,653
Ooh, can I have a piece?

10
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,388
Of course!
Great.

11
00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:23,423
Thank you.

12
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:24,687
Okay, let's chew some gum

13
00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:26,355
and get you guys
all checked in.

14
00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:28,404
Ms. Aldrin, how many
keys will you need?

15
00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:29,399
Two, please.

16
00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:30,430
My husband's
getting in later.

17
00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,074
Excellent, and Mr. Mosby?

18
00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:33,100
Uh, just one, please.

19
00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:36,204
Oh, oh, I-I see.

20
00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:38,107
Oh.

21
00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:40,109
Well, hang in there.

22
00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:41,941
You'll find somebody.

23
00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:44,775
Thank you,
front desk stranger.

24
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:47,082
I'm sorry, we just... we just
don't get a lot of singles here.

25
00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:48,115
I mean,
look at this place.

26
00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:49,719
It's so romantic.

27
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:53,120
Countless babies conceived
within these walls.

28
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:55,594
And one... grisly murder.

29
00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:56,723
Now, are you sure
that you wouldn't

30
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:59,557
feel more comfortable
staying at a motel?

31
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:00,793
What? No, look.

32
00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:02,758
I'm not some miserable,
lonely person.

33
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,126
Tell him, Lily.

34
00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,725
It's a tough
weekend for him.

35
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:06,866
Bro.

36
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,470
We're here
for a wedding.
Ouch.

37
00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:11,272
And he used to
date the bride.
Ooh, mama.

38
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:13,265
And he's the best man.
Devastating.

39
00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:14,807
Could you please
just check us in?

40
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:16,442
Oh, your rooms aren't
gonna be ready for hours.

41
00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:18,107
But in the meantime,

42
00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:20,546
Ms. Aldrin, I definitely think

43
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,621
you and your husband should
check out the lighthouse.

44
00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:25,390
It's a beautiful view
of the bay-- so romantic.

45
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:26,389
Oh, wow.

46
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,960
Here's the channel guide

47
00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:29,718
for the TV.

48
00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:31,957
Don't listen
to him, Ted.

49
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:34,332
(phone ringing)
You are not alone.

50
00:01:34,362 --> 00:01:37,232
In fact, this
whole weekend,

51
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:39,665
it is going to be
nothing but me and...

52
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,140
Marshall!

53
00:01:41,169 --> 00:01:42,299
Oh, thank God,
you're on your way.

54
00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:44,136
If I had to be here alone,
I would kill myself.

55
00:01:58,152 --> 00:01:59,622
Marshall missed
his flight.

56
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,293
He might not get
here tonight.

57
00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:03,792
He might not
get here at all.

58
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:04,994
We...

59
00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:07,955
only have a few
of these left.

60
00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:12,425
Hi...

61
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,426
Linus.

62
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,137
Here's how this goes down.

63
00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:17,609
If I'm going to make it through
this weekend without my husband,

64
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,708
I need you to hook a lady up.

65
00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:22,210
Any time you see me
without a drink in my hand,

66
00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:24,313
you put a drink in my hand.

67
00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:27,245
Are you my guy, Linus?

68
00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:29,616
So you want the Kennedy Package?

69
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,020
Bingo.

70
00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:34,486
(phone rings)
Go for Barney.

71
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,326
Ah.

72
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,888
Thank you Linus.

73
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:41,297
Barney,
before you get too upset,

74
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:43,529
there's another flight
that leaves in five minutes.

75
00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:45,134
You're getting on it.
I'm gonna try.

76
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,525
There is no try!

77
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:47,897
You're getting on that plane.

78
00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:49,735
Hey, growth spurt.

79
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:52,640
If there is only one seat
left on this plane,

80
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,483
I will fight you for it.

81
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,538
And I'm a biter.

82
00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:58,147
Marshall, whoever that is,
grab her carry-on

83
00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,708
and throw it
into a restricted area.

84
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:01,347
I'm serious. Do it.
Do it now.

85
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:02,922
What? No.

86
00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:03,980
Barney, are you...?

87
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,487
No, I'm not gonna...

88
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:06,689
That's... No.

89
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,820
There is no
"What, no, Barney, are you,

90
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,816
no I'm not gonna, that's no!"

91
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,988
This is a holiday weekend.

92
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,926
You're not gonna get
to New York by being nice.

93
00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:18,273
So you're gonna have
to lose the whole Midwestern

94
00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:19,829
aw-shucksy-doodles thing...

95
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:20,927
Shucksy doodles?

96
00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:22,368
...and act like a New Yorker.

97
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:24,773
A pushy, obnoxious,
knock-the-other-guy-down-

98
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:27,275
and-take-his-hot-dog resident
of the greatest city on earth!

99
00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:28,778
No can do, Barney.

100
00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:30,009
I'm from Minnesota,

101
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,153
where there's plenty of hot dogs
for everyone.

102
00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:36,354
Perhaps even too many.

103
00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:37,424
But listen,

104
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:38,951
I'm gonna get to New York

105
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,286
without being a jerk.

106
00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,061
Just get to New York!

107
00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:43,059
I'll get to New York!

108
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,630
Nobody's getting to New York.

109
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:46,128
Not this weekend anyway.

110
00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:48,699
There's a big storm
rolling up the East Coast.

111
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,699
All the airports
are closing.

112
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:53,401
My advice is
rent a car and drive.

113
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:54,574
But you better hurry.

114
00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:56,402
They're gonna
run out of cars soon.

115
00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:57,767
(groans)

116
00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:59,265
Okay, listen.

117
00:03:59,307 --> 00:04:00,607
If we're both
going to New York,

118
00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:03,911
why don't we rent a car,
split the drive?

119
00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:05,714
That seems like
a reasonable plan.

120
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,046
Can I help you with
that diaper bag?

121
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,251
Sure. Thank you.
Oh, it's...

122
00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:15,156
Have a nice bus ride,
pumpkin head!

123
00:04:19,159 --> 00:04:21,159
(panting)

124
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:27,642
Hey, lady.

125
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,438
Yeah, you just threw away
your ticket

126
00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:30,940
to a really great road trip.

127
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:33,271
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

128
00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:35,407
You're all the way back there,

129
00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:37,653
and I'm all the way
up here.

130
00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,948
(laughing)
Oh, you can hear me.

131
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:42,580
Get ready to be driving
the jealous-mobile

132
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,686
because our car is
gonna have games,

133
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:47,588
snacks, a James Patterson
audio book

134
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:51,291
my mother describes as
"cluttering her glove box."

135
00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:54,355
Your car? I'll be in Pittsburgh
before you get your car.

136
00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:57,025
We'll see about that.

137
00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:58,974
And if you're going to New York,
you're not gonna want

138
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:00,029
to go through Pittsburgh.

139
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,467
94 backs up around Allentown,

140
00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:03,972
so you're gonna want
to stick on 80.

141
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:05,244
Jerk face!

142
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:09,638
Come on, universe.

143
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:11,507
I'm a nice guy.

144
00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,305
Send me a miracle.

145
00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:16,647
NARRATOR:
And then the universe sent
your Uncle Marshall...

146
00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:19,394
Herm.

147
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,060
Okay, people, let's move
it along. What do you want?

148
00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:31,056
You want a car? You got a car.
Beat it.

149
00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:32,398
What kind of car
do you want?

150
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,473
Too slow, you get a minivan.

151
00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:36,802
Next. Ah, midsize sedan.

152
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,237
Incoming. Next.

153
00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:39,971
Yes!
You want a gas option?

154
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:41,537
Nobody wants a gas option.
Get out of here.

155
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:42,575
Next.

156
00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:44,810
Hello. I need a car.

157
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,245
You've got it.
That's all of them.

158
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,320
We're all out of cars,
everybody.

159
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,879
Wait, no!

160
00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,388
You let this guy beat you?

161
00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,150
Ma'am, it's not a race.

162
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:56,957
That right there
is why you lost.

163
00:05:57,925 --> 00:06:00,255
Maybe this is your fault.

164
00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:01,503
Did you ever think of that?

165
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:02,859
Maybe if you
had just been

166
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:05,226
a little bit nicer,
then you would be

167
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:06,925
the one driving this lovely...

168
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,897
What kind of car is it?

169
00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:11,706
NARRATOR:
Now, kids, I don't remember
the actual name of this car,

170
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,369
but to an environmentalist
like Marshall,

171
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:16,207
this car was a monstrosity.

172
00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:19,283
2006 Monstrosity.

173
00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:21,112
* Monstrosity

174
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:24,788
* 'Cause global warming's
not real. *

175
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:27,188
Oh, no, not a Monstrosity.

176
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,190
I'll take it.
I can't drive that.

177
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,962
I can. Give me the Monstrosity.

178
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:33,391
Do you have anything else?
I'll take the Monstrosity.

179
00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:35,457
There's nothing else.
Give me the keys, old man!

180
00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:37,026
It's just so freaking huge!

181
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,104
Well, actually it's
a Monstrosity Sport,

182
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:41,072
so it's a little smaller.

183
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,041
* Monstrosity Sport

184
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,770
* It's still freaking huge.

185
00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:47,306
Fine. I'll take it.

186
00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:48,980
But I'm also gonna need
a baby seat.

187
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:51,279
We're all out of baby seats.
Get out of here.

188
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:52,881
Oh, my God--
what am I gonna do?

189
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,113
I don't care.

190
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:56,117
(groans)

191
00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:57,319
Can I make a suggestion?

192
00:06:58,351 --> 00:06:59,651
I rent the car,

193
00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:02,317
then I go buy the car seat,
come back here,

194
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:05,285
pick you guys up,
and then the three of us

195
00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:06,985
drive to New York together.

196
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:08,897
(laughs quietly)

197
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,259
Let me get this straight.

198
00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:13,628
So, you're gonna
rent the car,

199
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:16,637
go and get a baby seat
for my son,

200
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:20,240
and then drive all the way
back here to pick me up.

201
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,583
That's right.

202
00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:24,509
Well, then you're
gonna need some cash. Here.

203
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,575
Hundred bucks ought to cover it.

204
00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:27,924
So, we'll see
you soon.

205
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,678
You got it, Michael!
Marshall.

206
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:31,947
Doesn't matter now, does it?

207
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,318
Remember this day, Marvin.

208
00:07:38,626 --> 00:07:41,656
Not only is this the day
that we either saw Prince

209
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:45,095
or a... a really flamboyantly
dressed greyhound,

210
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:48,802
it's also the day that your dad
chose not to be a jerk...

211
00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:51,466
and put his trust in humanity.

212
00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:54,005
Just watch where it gets us.

213
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:59,077
Shucksy-doodles!

214
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:06,048
NARRATOR: Uncle Marshall
was just about ready

215
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:07,446
to abandon
his faith in humanity.

216
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,117
But let's back up a little bit.

217
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:13,286
And now the true tale
of the Stinson Curse.

218
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:17,226
BARNEY:
Moscow, 1807.

219
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:19,234
(Russian accent):
What a wonderful night
at the opera.

220
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:21,226
Wouldn't you agree,
Comrade Barnovski?

221
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,638
(Russian accent):
I would indeed,
Comrade Jamesokoff.

222
00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:26,811
But you know what made it
truly wonderful?

223
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,480
Being here with my wife...

224
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:33,179
the beet in my borscht,
the fur on my hat,

225
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:38,323
the only person I've ever
been attracted to, ever.

226
00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:40,421
I feel the same way
about Kyle...

227
00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:42,493
my plutonic friend
from work.

228
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:44,262
(clattering)

229
00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:48,001
Is it just me, or did that feel
like we hit an old Gypsy woman?

230
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,728
Yep. Old Gypsy woman.

231
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:52,433
Good call, Barnovski.
Oh, well, she's just a peasant.

232
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:53,525
Home, Smirnoff.

233
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,867
Wait, she's
saying somethink!

234
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:57,243
(low, deep moan)

235
00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:58,940
Hornier.

236
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,711
Hornier.

237
00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:05,214
Hornier?

238
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:07,075
Sonobovich!

239
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:09,254
Did she just put a curse on us?

240
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:10,782
Eh, nonsense, brother.

241
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,688
Okay, let's go, Smirnoff.

242
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:14,721
Smirnoff?

243
00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:18,963
Homina, hominovich. Mmm,

244
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:23,602
Smirnoff, I would climb you
like the Kremlin Wall.

245
00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:25,131
What's happening to me?

246
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:27,795
Don't you see?
You're getting hornier, brother,

247
00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:30,295
just like
the old Gypsy woman said!

248
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:31,567
Oh, hello there.

249
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:36,643
(chuckles) Ever had
a White Russian?

250
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,080
BARNEY:
For the next 200 years,

251
00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:44,745
every male member
of the Stinson family

252
00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:47,785
was afflicted
by the Gypsy's curse,

253
00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:49,321
an unquenchable thirst
for booty

254
00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:53,426
that no committed relationship
could ever satisfy.

255
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,730
That is, until my brother James

256
00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:57,733
met his husband Tom.

257
00:09:57,765 --> 00:10:00,625
The day they got married,
they lifted the curse forever,

258
00:10:00,668 --> 00:10:02,638
freeing me from the shackles

259
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,740
of having sex
with lots of different women.

260
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:05,812
Although, sometimes

261
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:07,569
Robin and I still use
the shackles.

262
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:08,607
Bondage five!

263
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,182
Whoa.
I can't, I can't,

264
00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:11,240
I can't.

265
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:13,108
(phone rings)
Go for Barney!

266
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,921
Ah.

267
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:19,319
Thank you, Linus.

268
00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:20,952
This is worse
than I thought.

269
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,818
I know.
Showtime, no HBO?

270
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,056
JAMES:
No.

271
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,762
Tom and I are getting divorced.

272
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:28,955
What?
TED:
What?

273
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:31,326
That's why you look
extra handsome.

274
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:33,174
I do get extra hot
when I'm single.

275
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,270
Your skin looks amazing.

276
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,601
Looks amazing.
I know.

277
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,835
So... so what happened?
Why-why'd you guys break up?

278
00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:39,471
Well, the thing to remember

279
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:40,966
is that when something
like this happens,

280
00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:42,038
it's nobody's fault.

281
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:44,005
You cheated on him.
Repeatedly.

282
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:46,545
I thought about
keeping it quiet,

283
00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:49,649
but then I realized,
wouldn't my family want me

284
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:53,153
to be honest with them
about news this big?

285
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:56,516
Oh, can I just say five things?

286
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:01,855
What is the matter with--
sorry, six-- you?!

287
00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:03,855
Ooh! What?!

288
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:06,627
I'm-I'm sorry
about you and Tom,

289
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,996
but you can't just drop
a bombshell like this

290
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:10,466
so close to
someone's wedding.

291
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:13,143
You broke the curse.
You and Tom

292
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,313
are the only couple

293
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:15,911
that makes Barney
believe in marriage.

294
00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:18,253
(chuckles) Really?
The only couple?

295
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:21,408
I mean, no one else
comes to mind?

296
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,318
Been together 17 years?

297
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:26,020
She's a spunky redhead,
he's got calves

298
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:28,563
that launched a thousand
lady boners?

299
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:29,758
BARNEY:
Hey, sorry about that.

300
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:31,160
Hey, did you guys know

301
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:34,661
that Sunday is James' and Tom's
anniversary?

302
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,664
How cool is that?

303
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:37,866
We're anniversary bros!

304
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:39,668
Every year, we should go out
and celebrate...

305
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:40,929
just the two of us.

306
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:42,898
Listen, bro, you...

307
00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:45,266
I know, I know, "Please, Barney,

308
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:48,535
you don't have to get us
an anniversary gift this year."

309
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:49,735
You get them an
anniversary gift?

310
00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:51,277
Why shouldn't I?
They're the one couple

311
00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:52,951
that makes me believe marriage
is possible.

312
00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:54,820
I mean, I'm sitting right here.

313
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,619
Thank you, Linus.

314
00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:59,420
JAMES:
Barney, the thing is...

315
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:02,792
Cover your ears and hum "The
Battle Hymn of the Republic."

316
00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:03,963
Why?

317
00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:06,561
It's for the bride.

318
00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:07,963
Oh, it's for... (humming)

319
00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:09,225
Okay, listen, James,

320
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:10,902
my cousin Vince
is a Mountie.

321
00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:13,631
His girlfriend is back home,
but he gets gay at weddings.

322
00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,296
He's yours.
I am giving you Vince.

323
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:16,965
Just please,
don't tell Barney.

324
00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:18,414
If he finds out
that the only

325
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:19,968
successful marriage
in his life is over...

326
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:21,267
I hate everyone
at this table.

327
00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:22,278
...it'll spook him.

328
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:23,539
I don't want him
getting spooked.

329
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,746
Robin, have some faith.

330
00:12:25,779 --> 00:12:28,479
Do you really think what you
and Barney have is that fragile?

331
00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:31,619
I don't want to find out.

332
00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:33,121
Fine.

333
00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,259
Thanks, baby.

334
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:38,790
No sweat.
Mmm...

335
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:41,556
So, James, seriously,
where's Tom?

336
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:42,804
He can't make the wedding.

337
00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:44,160
He had his wisdom teeth out.

338
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:45,567
Ugh! On top of a divorce?

339
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:46,668
That is rough.

340
00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:49,565
Uh-oh.

341
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:52,472
What is she talking about?

342
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,706
Tom and I are getting a divorce.

343
00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:00,846
Excuse me.

344
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:08,115
Vince... off the table.

345
00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:18,333
What was that?
I don't know.
It just came out.

346
00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:19,965
That's it.
It's barely even noon.

347
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,630
You're cut off.

348
00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:23,168
Thank you, Linus.

349
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:25,814
Thank you, Linus.

350
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,410
Thank you, Linus.

351
00:13:29,509 --> 00:13:31,109
Thank you, Linus.

352
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:32,654
Thank you, Linus.

353
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,509
Okay, but after that one,
you're cut off!

354
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,989
No! No, you are not doing this.
Step away from the desk.

355
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:40,149
What are you talking about?

356
00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:41,717
You just found out
about James and Tom,

357
00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:44,124
and it totally freaked you out,
and now you're asking this guy

358
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:45,287
to point you in the direction

359
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,485
of the nearest,
dirtiest strip club.

360
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:48,626
Oh, well,
that-that's a tough one.

361
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,301
Uh, the nearest one
that's-that's kind of dirty

362
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,871
is The Sand Box,

363
00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:55,800
but the, uh...
the dirtiest one that's nearby

364
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,565
is The Crab Shed.

365
00:13:57,604 --> 00:13:58,714
Dude.

366
00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:01,308
Sorry. Uh, but hey,
if-if you do go,

367
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,341
maybe you could take Ted.

368
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:04,836
I'm really worried
about that kid.

369
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,816
No, Robin, I am not
going to a strip club.

370
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,148
Especially right now.

371
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:13,123
Could you imagine
the day shift at The Crab Shed?

372
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,194
Robin...

373
00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:19,093
I came to the desk to get this.

374
00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:20,826
Is that the key to our room?

375
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,360
It's the key to James's room.

376
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:29,535
Oh, my.

377
00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:30,899
What is that?

378
00:14:30,938 --> 00:14:32,268
It's an erotic cake.

379
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:34,205
I wanted to surprise them
for their anniversary.

380
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:35,681
Is that... is that
James and Tom?

381
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:39,548
Mmm, caramel marzipan,
chocolate marzipan.

382
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,079
I love chocolate
marzipan.

383
00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:43,724
So does Tom.
Used to anyway.

384
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:48,188
This is, uh, absolutely the,
uh... the weirdest thing

385
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,721
anyone has ever done
for their sibling.

386
00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:54,325
I love you so much.

387
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:57,458
You thought I was
gonna freak out.

388
00:14:57,497 --> 00:14:59,967
Well, I mean, a Gypsy
cursed your family

389
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,940
to become hornier and do
awesome guitar solos.

390
00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:04,640
Can you blame me?

391
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:07,141
Look, am I bummed about James
and Tom getting a divorce?

392
00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:10,284
Obviously.
But I don't need them

393
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:12,610
to make me believe
in true love anymore.

394
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,075
I've got you for that now.

395
00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:15,924
Mmm.

396
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:19,389
Oh, man, now I gotta figure out
what to do with all this stuff.

397
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,589
Well, before we do that...

398
00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:24,621
um, would it be all
right if I nibbled

399
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:26,957
on your brother's
Ding Dong?

400
00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:29,664
How about we nibble

401
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:33,496
on my brother's
Ding Dong together?

402
00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:35,273
I'd like that.

403
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:39,470
NARRATOR:
So, they cleaned all that stuff
out of there

404
00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:41,236
and had a talk with James.

405
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:44,784
And Barney didn't freak out,
because here's the thing, kids.

406
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:48,521
When you believe in people,
people come through.

407
00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:56,317
Just so we're clear,
I pick the music.

408
00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:57,586
Of course.

409
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:58,664
Say it.

410
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:00,291
Say, "Daphne picks the music."

411
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:02,197
Daphne picks the music.

412
00:16:02,229 --> 00:16:03,429
And you pay for gas.

413
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,133
Are you kidding?
Do you have any idea

414
00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:06,425
how much gas this thing takes?

415
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:07,596
(engine revs)
No, no, okay!

416
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:08,944
Okay, I pay for gas.

417
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,468
Good. Now, get in.

418
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:12,313
It's a long ride to Phoenix.

419
00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:13,869
Say what?

420
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:16,206
(laughs)
I'm just kidding.

421
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:18,183
Oh, this is gonna be fun.

422
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:25,053
This must be the singles table.

423
00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:28,515
(chuckles)
Guess it is.

424
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,330
Well, it's kind of nice
to be asking this question

425
00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:33,789
instead of answering it
for a change:

426
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:34,856
How are you doing?

427
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:36,604
I don't know.

428
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,370
I'm trying to be happy
for my brother,

429
00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:41,129
but, uh... I guess a person

430
00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:42,998
has a different
perspective on weddings

431
00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:46,266
when he knows what's down there
at the end of the aisle.

432
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,380
It's not all
champagne and frosting.

433
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,650
Mr. Stinson, your room is ready.

434
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,420
And, Ted...

435
00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:57,578
she's right around the corner.

436
00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:59,147
Thank you, Curtis.

437
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:00,986
I feel it, too.

438
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,660
No, no, no, the-the housekeeper.

439
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:04,719
She's in the room that's right
around the corner from yours.

440
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:05,827
Oh.
So another hour, tops.

441
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,058
Sure.

442
00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:09,725
Okay, see you later, Ted.

443
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:11,202
You're not
giving up, James.

444
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:14,069
And neither am I.

445
00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:30,419
(footsteps approach)

446
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:31,450
TED:
Hey, beautiful.

447
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:32,454
Hi.

448
00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:34,445
God, you look great.

449
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,287
What? Come on.

450
00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:37,363
You do!

451
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,260
I've been in a car all morning.

452
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:42,532
I just ate a croissant crumb
that I found in my bra.

453
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:43,902
I'm disgusting.

454
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:46,930
Yeah, I saw you do that.
And it was super hot. Come here.

455
00:17:46,966 --> 00:17:48,466
(chuckles)
You come here.
Come here.

456
00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:51,301
No, you come here.
Come here.

457
00:17:51,338 --> 00:17:53,038
Hey, you want to hear
something funny?

458
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,072
Mm-hmm.

459
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:56,377
One year ago today,
almost to the minute,

460
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:58,609
I was sitting
at this very table

461
00:17:58,645 --> 00:17:59,975
right in that seat.

462
00:18:01,314 --> 00:18:03,554
Oh, yeah. I can see it.

463
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,953
Nursing your gin and tonic
with three extra limes,

464
00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:07,885
doing the crossword,

465
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,420
probably being
all showboat-y about it.

466
00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:11,417
I wasn't being
showboat-y about it.

467
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:14,158
"Vesuvius."
Boo-yah!

468
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:18,128
Oh, wait, that doesn't fit.

469
00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:20,425
The point is,
one year ago today,

470
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:23,967
I made a promise to myself
right at this table.

471
00:18:24,003 --> 00:18:26,143
THE MOTHER:
What was the promise?

472
00:18:26,173 --> 00:18:30,643
BOTH TEDS:
I'm coming back,
and I'm bringing you.

473
00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:32,607
Wait a second.
Hold it.

474
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:35,815
One year ago today,
you hadn't even met me.

475
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,848
I know, but I knew I would.

476
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,785
And now it's a year later.

477
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:42,460
And here I am.

478
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:43,789
Here you are.

479
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,293
Love in your eyes,

480
00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:47,125
baked goods
in your undergarments.

481
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,130
Yeah.

482
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:50,431
You picked a real winner, Mosby.

483
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:53,003
I did.

484
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,467
Okay, seriously, what the crap

485
00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:58,473
is taking so long
with these rooms?

486
00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:00,365
It was like this
last year.

487
00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:02,177
I'll be right back.

488
00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:04,379
I'll be right here.

489
00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:24,830
Sorry that took so long.

490
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:26,174
Please...

491
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:28,029
try to enjoy your stay.

492
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:29,997
I will.

493
00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:31,136
Try to.

494
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:34,870
I will enjoy my stay.

495
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:35,977
Try.

496
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,638
Not gonna try.

497
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,807
Just... just gonna do it.

498
00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:41,807
Good for you.

499
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:42,848
Not good for me.

500
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:46,322
No, just-just neutral for me.

501
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:48,723
Attaboy.
No, at not a boy.

502
00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:52,658
It gets better.

503
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:55,162
I am fine, Curtis. Okay?

504
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:58,334
I enjoy and appreciate
the happiness of other people

505
00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:01,995
whether I am in a relationship
or not. Okay? Curtis?

506
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,174
So just-just...

507
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,572
just go ahead
and give me my one key

508
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:07,435
because I am fine.

509
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:23,560
Oh, come on!
I need another drink.

510
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:25,260
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