Original subtitles

[Ted Narrating] Kids, in the spring of 2012...

your Uncle Barney went off the grid for a couple weeks.

So I was relieved when I got a text asking me to come over to his place.

- Glad to hear from you, buddy. I was worried something bad- - ## [Men Chanting: Dirge]

happened... to you.

- Welcome, Brother. - What is this?

Ted Evelyn Mosby...

you are about to be sworn to secrecy...

through the sacred vows of a Bro Oath-

or... Broath.

Please put on your brobe.

Yeah, I'm not putting on the brobe.

Ted, just-

Just- Okay?

Wait, are they chanting "bro"?

# Bro #

I got some local monks to record this.

Yeah, I got a monk guy. Cool, right?

- It actually is, yeah. - I'll burn it for you.

Just remind me about it after the Broath.

Anyway, Ted Evelyn Mosby...

this ritual forever binds you...

to keep a solemn secret.

Which is?

I really like this Quinn girl!

We've been spending tons of time together...

and I really want the gang to meet her.

But I'm afraid they're gonna disapprove because, well, you know.

[Ted Narrating] I did know.

You see, Quinn was a stripper...

who had swindled Barney out of quite a bit of cash.

We're inviting everyone to dinner at Quinn's...

and I want them to keep an open mind.

Which brings us to the Broath.

Place your hand on the Bro Code.

[Sighs] Yeah.

Repeat after me.

I, Ted Evelyn Mosby-

I, Ted "Why Did I Ever Tell You My Middle Name" Mosby-

solemnly swear not to tell our friends that Quinn is a stripper.

solemnly swear not to tell our friends that Quinn is a stripper...

who duped you out of lots of money.

You're only supposed to repeat after me.

You're only supposed to repeat after me.

- Stop it. - Stop it.

Silence!

Look, I know that things started out sketchy with me and Quinn...

but I really like her, so, please-

Do you...

Ted "Middle Name Omitted" Mosby...

swear to uphold this Broath?

I do.

Barney's dating a stripper who's gonna steal all his money.

## [Upbeat Pop]

## [Man Vocalizing]

## [Ends]

Okay, time to go to Quinn's.

Now remember, I told you nothing, okay?

- Barney really wants us all to like her. - But how can we?

Quinn totally duped Barney, and he couldn't even see it.

Well, apparently the sex is mind-blowing.

[Chuckles] I've been there. Yeah.

I was once with this chick...

who answered the door wearing nothing but, uh...

whipped cream, a dog collar and a hot pink thong.

Marshall, you can't tell sex stories about "this chick"...

because everyone knows it's me.

I'm the only woman you've ever been with.

It's not fair.

The guys are always telling their sex stories...

and I can top every one of 'em.

Baby, you're like 20 slutty chicks all rolled into one.

Sweet talk is not gonna change my mind.

Let's focus.

Tonight, we wanna make sure...

that Quinn is not out to scam Barney.

So when we walk back through that door three hours from now...

we should all be able to answer one simple question-

[Tape Fast-Forwarding]

Do we trust this girl?

Well, for one thing, she seems kinda controlling.

Is it okay if I put out the hummus, bunny face?

No, save it for dessert. Idiot.

[Laughing]

Uh- More red wine, beauty swan?

She drinks a lot.

Is it okay if I go pee, sugar lamb?

No. You just went three hours ago.

You're right, baby bear.

[Groans]

Yes, so Barney's whipped. It doesn't mean that Quinn is a con artist.

Oh, maybe we could've gotten a better read on her...

if two people hadn't gone off topic.

By the way, Quinn, your apartment is amazing.

Aw, yeah, it's beautiful.

I'm actually moving out soon.

If you know anyone looking for a sublet, this place is rent-controlled.

You would not believe what I pay.

[Ted Narrating] Kids, things had been tense between Robin and I for weeks.

Ever since she moved out and I gave the apartment to Lily and Marshall...

I'd been crashing in university housing.

It's 10:00.

Damn it, Ned, Martin and Milly. People are trying to sleep.

Hey, you were young like us once, right?

I was never like you guys.

[Ted Narrating] And Robin was staying with her coworker Patrice.

You seemed so down today, Robin, I made you cookies.

Damn it, Patrice! Stop smothering me!

So when Quinn said her apartment was available-

- Dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs. - It's mine, it's mine, it's mine.

We got off topic? What about Marshall?

Hey, I was just going along with whoever suggested we play that game.

Hey, let's play a game. Uh, "craziest sex in public" story. I'll start.

I was once with this chick who loved to get freaky in elevators.

Doors would close- suddenly she's panting on all fours like a dog in heat.

[Panting]

- Marshall, stop. - I never said that it was you.

Okay, so anyway, last August, I go bareback with this same slut.

She gets pregnant- bitch is even hornier.

Oh, yeah?

I was once with this dude who I caught eating a sandwich during sex.

Big old meatball falls out, lands on my back...

rolls onto the elevator floor.

Hmm. Disgusting, right?

What? I never said it was you.

Yeah, sorry we didn't stay as laser focused as you guys.

Hey, at least I got some evidence.

Look what I found in Quinn's bedroom.

Barney's taking her to Hawaii.

Lily, you snooped through her stuff?

No. It's like the first thing you see when you jimmy open her desk drawer...

with the letter opener her grandfather left her, according to her diary.

First-class tickets, a four-star hotel. These cost Barney a fortune.

Yeah. This proves Quinn is totally using him for his money.

You know what? Lily, enough.

Guys, even if you're right about Quinn, this is Barney.

He'll come to his senses. I give this whole thing a week, two weeks tops.

And now we have an announcement.

- Can I tell 'em? - No.

We're moving in together.

- Congrats. - I'm so happy for you.

- We gotta end this. - [Ted, Lily, Robin] Yep.

[Ted Narrating] Kids, as you recall...

our gang had a subtle way of letting someone know they were making a mistake.

- Where have you been? - Uh, worth it. Hang on.

Hey.

You know we would've hated ourselves, right?

So, did Robin tell you the incredibly devious thing she did today?

Me?

Hey. So, I just happened to be in the neighborhood...

and I thought, "Man, Quinn is in such great shape. She must love fruit."

So, unrelated...

how's the search for a "subletter" going?

This is such a weird coincidence.

Robin also just happened to be in the neighborhood...

with a bottle of wine and her credit scores.

[Cork Pops]

I can't believe you two.

What do you care about more-

protecting your friend from getting hurt...

or scoring this girl's apartment?

There's a working fireplace.

Patrice is ironing my pants all wrong!

You guys should be ashamed.

Speaking of shame, I was once with this chick...

who liked to do hand stuff underneath a jacket...

while we were all sitting around our favorite booth at MacLaren's.

- Gross. - We share appetizers.

Okay. Well, I was once with a dude who couldn't even fantasize about a three-way.

- He was all, "Ooh, she's your best friend." - What now?

I was once with a chick who wanted to get it on...

during a school production of Peter Pan.

Well, l- Wait, that wasn't me.

So back to Patrice and this ironing issue.

I thought I was the first girl you ever did anything with.

Anything serious. Please don't tell me that you're jealous of me...

getting to second base in 10th grade with Jenna Cristalli.

Don't say that whore's name in front of our baby.

What's going on?

Barney, this is an intervention.

[Clears Throat]

A "Quinntervention."

You and Quinn are moving really fast, and we don't trust her.

We're just looking out for your best interests.

[Clears Throat]

"Quinnterests."

I don't understand. Wha-

Wait a second.

Ted Evelyn Mosby...

you broke the Broath.

How dare you!

A Broath is the most sacred bond between-

Okay, yeah, I did.

Are you aware that breaking a Broath...

can have deadly, even fatal repercussions?

Have ya studied history, Ted?

Extensively. But I'm a little shaky on fake history, so-

The tragic cost of a broken Broath...

dates back to ancient Broman times.

Hey, Brotus.

You'd tell me if, like, a bunch of dudes were conspiring to assassinate me, right?

Um, totally, Caesar.

Paranoid much? [Chuckles]

Just to be sure...

can you swear a Broath to me?

Sure. I swear.

Thanks. You've always got my back.

## [Whistling]

Et tu, Bro-te?

[Gasping]

And then he banged, like, a hundred chicks and invented a salad.

True story.

Quinn lied to you. She manipulated you.

What if she's just using you?

- She's not just using me. - What about the expensive trip to Hawaii?

What expensive trip to Hawaii?

The one I got for you.

That was supposed to be a surprise for Barney.

He asked me to meet him here.

What's going on, you guys?

Tell her.

[Scoffs] Fine. I'll fill her in.

And I am so angry, I am not even gonna make a joke about "filling her in."

Which I did three times last night. Self-five.

My friends think you're wrong for me...

so they're having an intervention.

[Clears Throat]

A "Quinntervention."

I don't understand.

Well, see, your name is Quinn, and so-

I'll explain.

I made Ted promise not to tell them what you do...

but he did, and now they don't trust you.

Wow. That really hurts.

But what's even worse is that you felt the need to lie about me.

I'm not ashamed of who I am, Barney, but you clearly are.

I'm not ashamed of you. I just didn't want them to judge you without-

Maybe we are moving too fast.

What? What is that supposed to mean?

I don't think I can do this.

Wait. Are you ending things, just like that?

If you walk out that door, you prove them right.

You prove that you're just some heartless stripper...

who never gave a damn about me-

Don't call me.

[Sighs]

Wow. That was intense.

[Clears Throat]

[Sighs]

We just destroyed what could have been...

a once-in-a-lifetime shot at happiness.

I know. I feel guilty too.

[Sighs] Fireplace, balcony...

hardwood floors.

Okay, I'll just say it.

After everything that happened between us...

I can't believe you wouldn't back down and let me have Quinn's place.

Ted, can I talk to you out in the hall?

Has it ever occurred to you that the last few weeks haven't been easy for me either?

In the span of one day, my engagement fell apart...

I lost my best friend, then I lost my apartment.

And now I'm about to lose my job.

- What do you mean? - [Sighs]

I've been completely distracted at work.

And now my boss wants to see me Friday at five o'clock...

which, around the office, is known as "fire o'clock."

I had no idea.

How could you?

The one person I want to talk to most...

barely looks me in the eye anymore...

much less returns my calls.

Ted, I know it took guts to tell me you love me.

And I know how much it hurt that I didn't say it back.

But damn it, this-this sucks for me too.

I- I miss you.

Is there any way we can just...

go back to normal?

I don't think I can do normal anymore.

Barney still isn't answering.

We gotta go find him and apologize.

Qu- Oh. I thought you were Quinn.

Barney, we're so sorry.

We never should've meddled like that.

- Can you forgive us? - I don't know. You had no right to do that.

How can we make it up to you, buddy?

## [Men Chanting: Dirge]

I, one of Barney's best friends-

[All] l, one of Barney's best friends-

promise never to interfere with his personal life again-

promise never to interfere with his personal life again-

unless it's an issue of health, national security...

or he's about to get up on a fatty.

unless it's an issue of health, national security...

or he's about to get up on a fatty.

And now, to seal this sacred vow...

the two ladies will kiss.

- Barney- - The two ladies will kiss.

- Lil? - [Chuckles]

Okay.

- And now the gentlemen. - Dude.

And now the gentlemen.

This is- I feel so silly.

Don't touch my face.

I was going to say, "And now the gentlemen bump fists."

How long you been holdin' back that one?

Hot stuff, fellas. Did I see a little tongue in there?

I don't understand.

Well, if these two will keep their sweaty paws off each other for half a sec, I'll explain.

It all started a couple of days ago.

- I want you to meet my friends. - Should I be nervous?

Is it like bringing me home to meet your parents?

No, no, no. Much more stressful than that.

You see, my friends, while awesome...

can be presumptuous, meddlesome and downright destructive.

When they learn what you do and how we met...

they'll probably try to break us up.

So let's have some fun with them, mess with their heads.

Are you saying... evil plan?

Hells to the yes.

My God, you're hot.

- Wait for it. - [Grunts]

Here's what we'll do.

I'll make Ted swear not to tell anyone what he knows about you...

and he'll cave immediately.

Barney's dating a stripper who's gonna steal all his money.

[Barney] Next, we invite everyone over.

I'll keep saying stuff like, "ls it okay if I put out the hummus, bunny face?"

[Quinn] And I'll be the bossy bitch who says, "No, save it for dessert.

- ldiot." - [Barney] Nice.

- And finally, we'll announce- - We're moving in together.

I've got an idea. Let's get your friends Ted and Robin fighting over my apartment.

- Wait. What does that have do with you and me? - Nothing. I just worship chaos.

I can't handle how hot you are right now.

- Wait for it. - [Groans]

Next, they'll try to talk me into dumping you-

[Quinn] And I'll walk in on it.

[Barney] Then we pretend to break up.

And when they crawl back, begging for forgiveness...

I'll be the bigger man and let them off the hook.

[Quinn] Or make the monkeys dance for you.

[Barney] God, you 're smart.

It's gonna be legen-

I 'm not waiting for it anymore.

...dary.

My God. You two are-

Perfect together.

So you're not really moving in?

Well, it started out as a joke, but the more we talked about it-

The more excited we got. So, yeah, we are.

You have anything to say about that?

- Congratulations, guys. - So happy for you.

- Oh, my gosh. - Thank you.

- Hey. Congrats. - Thank you.

You two realize this means my apartment really is up for grabs, right?

- I'm sure I'll find something else. - Me too.

Yeah?

[Ted Narrating] And that's the story of how we met Quinn.

That Friday, I met Robin to see how it went at "fire o 'clock."

They promoted me to on-air talent.

I 'm gonna be Sandy Rivers's new cohost.

Oh, my God. How'd that happen?

Well, remember New Year's Eve, when I filled in for Sandy?

It turns out the C.E.O. of World Wide News liked me.

- He said I have moxie. - So he's a 1940s gangster?

[Laughs] Apparently.

And I got a big raise...

so, um, I'm taking this apartment on Central Park West...

which means-

- Quinn's apartment. - I already told her you'd take it.

- Wow. Thanks. - Yeah.

Hey, and congrats. You deserve it all.

You know, I've been thinking about it, and, um...

I can do normal.

- To back to normal. - To back to normal.

[Chuckling]

Uh, l-I should get going.

- Yeah, you've got a lot to do. - Totally.

- See you soon. - See you soon.

Yeah.

[Ted Narrating] We wouldn't see each other for a long time.

But I'll get to that.

Listen, um...

about me getting to second base in 10th grade with Jenna Cristalli-

I don't know what you're talking about.

I've already forgotten about that dumb ho-bag.

Yeah. Um, it didn't happen while we were watching Peter Pan.

It happened while I was playing Peter Pan.

Here's a photo from the day I was cast.

That's me in the middle.

But then I had my growth spurt.

By opening night, I was too big for the flying harness...

and, well...

I fell hands first right onto Jenna Cristalli.

The tissues in her bra saved me two broken wrists.

I'm sorry. I just wanted to have one cool sex story that wasn't you.

Okay. Next time you tell it...

you were in your dad's car, which you stole to go to a Metallica concert...

and you got to third base with that slut.

I was once with this chick...

who is just the best wife ever.

[Man] # I will throw myself#

Thank you for being so cool about what I do.

A lot of guys would be weird or jealous.

Are you kidding? Who am I to judge anyone? I'm the devil.

I mean, if you ever wanted to stop stripping, I'd support it.

If you wanted to.

Uh-huh. So, you are jealous.

What? No. No, not at all.

I'm just saying, if you ever wanted to hang up the ol' G-string...

I'd completely understand.

Nah. I like taking my clothes off for money.

Great. [Mumbling]

Hypothetically, what would make you stop?

Hypothetically...

I would stop stripping if I ever got married.

Good night.

And then we agreed to go back to normal.

But I'm starting to wonder if we can ever really just be friends.

Anyway, that's the story of me and Robin...

2005 to the present.

What do you think?

I think your stories are way too long.

- I feel bad for his future kids, dude. - [Laughs]

Hey, my kids are gonna love my stories.

They're gonna- They're gonna love my stories.