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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,967 --> 00:00:02,968 [Ted Narrating] Kids, in the spring of 2012... 2 00:00:02,969 --> 00:00:05,671 your Uncle Barney went off the grid for a couple weeks. 3 00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:08,974 So I was relieved when I got a text asking me to come over to his place. 4 00:00:08,975 --> 00:00:12,711 - Glad to hear from you, buddy. I was worried something bad- - ## [Men Chanting: Dirge] 5 00:00:12,712 --> 00:00:15,579 happened... to you. 6 00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:18,517 - Welcome, Brother. - What is this? 7 00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:20,452 Ted Evelyn Mosby... 8 00:00:20,453 --> 00:00:23,522 you are about to be sworn to secrecy... 9 00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:26,425 through the sacred vows of a Bro Oath- 10 00:00:26,426 --> 00:00:28,926 or... Broath. 11 00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:32,655 Please put on your brobe. 12 00:00:32,732 --> 00:00:34,900 Yeah, I'm not putting on the brobe. 13 00:00:34,901 --> 00:00:36,769 Ted, just- 14 00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:39,270 Just- Okay? 15 00:00:42,575 --> 00:00:45,144 Wait, are they chanting "bro"? 16 00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:46,712 # Bro # 17 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,847 I got some local monks to record this. 18 00:00:48,848 --> 00:00:51,016 Yeah, I got a monk guy. Cool, right? 19 00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:53,385 - It actually is, yeah. - I'll burn it for you. 20 00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:55,387 Just remind me about it after the Broath. 21 00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:57,913 Anyway, Ted Evelyn Mosby... 22 00:00:57,991 --> 00:01:01,051 this ritual forever binds you... 23 00:01:01,127 --> 00:01:03,228 to keep a solemn secret. 24 00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:04,530 Which is? 25 00:01:04,531 --> 00:01:06,198 I really like this Quinn girl! 26 00:01:06,199 --> 00:01:08,100 We've been spending tons of time together... 27 00:01:08,101 --> 00:01:09,902 and I really want the gang to meet her. 28 00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,738 But I'm afraid they're gonna disapprove because, well, you know. 29 00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,306 [Ted Narrating] I did know. 30 00:01:14,307 --> 00:01:16,675 You see, Quinn was a stripper... 31 00:01:16,676 --> 00:01:19,712 who had swindled Barney out of quite a bit of cash. 32 00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:21,580 We're inviting everyone to dinner at Quinn's... 33 00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:23,015 and I want them to keep an open mind. 34 00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:24,783 Which brings us to the Broath. 35 00:01:24,784 --> 00:01:27,810 Place your hand on the Bro Code. 36 00:01:27,887 --> 00:01:29,955 [Sighs] Yeah. 37 00:01:29,956 --> 00:01:31,757 Repeat after me. 38 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:35,455 I, Ted Evelyn Mosby- 39 00:01:35,528 --> 00:01:39,732 I, Ted "Why Did I Ever Tell You My Middle Name" Mosby- 40 00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:43,769 solemnly swear not to tell our friends that Quinn is a stripper. 41 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:46,872 solemnly swear not to tell our friends that Quinn is a stripper... 42 00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:48,874 who duped you out of lots of money. 43 00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:50,376 You're only supposed to repeat after me. 44 00:01:50,377 --> 00:01:51,910 You're only supposed to repeat after me. 45 00:01:51,911 --> 00:01:52,878 - Stop it. - Stop it. 46 00:01:52,879 --> 00:01:55,280 Silence! 47 00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:58,851 Look, I know that things started out sketchy with me and Quinn... 48 00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:00,552 but I really like her, so, please- 49 00:02:00,553 --> 00:02:02,454 Do you... 50 00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:06,789 Ted "Middle Name Omitted" Mosby... 51 00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:09,727 swear to uphold this Broath? 52 00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:12,131 I do. 53 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:15,401 Barney's dating a stripper who's gonna steal all his money. 54 00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:17,902 ## [Upbeat Pop] 55 00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:21,972 ## [Man Vocalizing] 56 00:02:26,579 --> 00:02:28,447 ## [Ends] 57 00:02:28,448 --> 00:02:30,349 Okay, time to go to Quinn's. 58 00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,217 Now remember, I told you nothing, okay? 59 00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:34,720 - Barney really wants us all to like her. - But how can we? 60 00:02:34,721 --> 00:02:37,623 Quinn totally duped Barney, and he couldn't even see it. 61 00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:39,992 Well, apparently the sex is mind-blowing. 62 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,761 [Chuckles] I've been there. Yeah. 63 00:02:42,762 --> 00:02:44,329 I was once with this chick... 64 00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:46,298 who answered the door wearing nothing but, uh... 65 00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:49,601 whipped cream, a dog collar and a hot pink thong. 66 00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:53,172 Marshall, you can't tell sex stories about "this chick"... 67 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,274 because everyone knows it's me. 68 00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:57,309 I'm the only woman you've ever been with. 69 00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:58,710 It's not fair. 70 00:02:58,711 --> 00:03:00,312 The guys are always telling their sex stories... 71 00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:02,114 and I can top every one of 'em. 72 00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:05,017 Baby, you're like 20 slutty chicks all rolled into one. 73 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,186 Sweet talk is not gonna change my mind. 74 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,254 Let's focus. 75 00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:11,256 Tonight, we wanna make sure... 76 00:03:11,257 --> 00:03:13,192 that Quinn is not out to scam Barney. 77 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:16,528 So when we walk back through that door three hours from now... 78 00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:19,531 we should all be able to answer one simple question- 79 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:21,633 [Tape Fast-Forwarding] 80 00:03:21,634 --> 00:03:23,769 Do we trust this girl? 81 00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:27,139 Well, for one thing, she seems kinda controlling. 82 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:30,175 Is it okay if I put out the hummus, bunny face? 83 00:03:30,176 --> 00:03:33,006 No, save it for dessert. Idiot. 84 00:03:33,913 --> 00:03:35,981 [Laughing] 85 00:03:35,982 --> 00:03:39,440 Uh- More red wine, beauty swan? 86 00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:42,019 She drinks a lot. 87 00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:44,656 Is it okay if I go pee, sugar lamb? 88 00:03:44,657 --> 00:03:46,825 No. You just went three hours ago. 89 00:03:46,826 --> 00:03:49,326 You're right, baby bear. 90 00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:52,731 [Groans] 91 00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:57,069 Yes, so Barney's whipped. It doesn't mean that Quinn is a con artist. 92 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,505 Oh, maybe we could've gotten a better read on her... 93 00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:02,374 if two people hadn't gone off topic. 94 00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:04,743 By the way, Quinn, your apartment is amazing. 95 00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:06,378 Aw, yeah, it's beautiful. 96 00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:08,647 I'm actually moving out soon. 97 00:04:08,648 --> 00:04:11,517 If you know anyone looking for a sublet, this place is rent-controlled. 98 00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:13,452 You would not believe what I pay. 99 00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:16,588 [Ted Narrating] Kids, things had been tense between Robin and I for weeks. 100 00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:20,893 Ever since she moved out and I gave the apartment to Lily and Marshall... 101 00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:23,328 I'd been crashing in university housing. 102 00:04:23,329 --> 00:04:24,997 It's 10:00. 103 00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:28,800 Damn it, Ned, Martin and Milly. People are trying to sleep. 104 00:04:28,801 --> 00:04:31,870 Hey, you were young like us once, right? 105 00:04:31,871 --> 00:04:35,238 I was never like you guys. 106 00:04:35,308 --> 00:04:38,544 [Ted Narrating] And Robin was staying with her coworker Patrice. 107 00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:41,747 You seemed so down today, Robin, I made you cookies. 108 00:04:41,748 --> 00:04:45,058 Damn it, Patrice! Stop smothering me! 109 00:04:45,552 --> 00:04:49,821 So when Quinn said her apartment was available- 110 00:04:49,822 --> 00:04:52,224 - Dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs. - It's mine, it's mine, it's mine. 111 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:55,427 We got off topic? What about Marshall? 112 00:04:55,428 --> 00:04:59,264 Hey, I was just going along with whoever suggested we play that game. 113 00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:03,168 Hey, let's play a game. Uh, "craziest sex in public" story. I'll start. 114 00:05:03,169 --> 00:05:07,406 I was once with this chick who loved to get freaky in elevators. 115 00:05:07,407 --> 00:05:12,144 Doors would close- suddenly she's panting on all fours like a dog in heat. 116 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,179 [Panting] 117 00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:17,683 - Marshall, stop. - I never said that it was you. 118 00:05:17,684 --> 00:05:21,887 Okay, so anyway, last August, I go bareback with this same slut. 119 00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:25,568 She gets pregnant- bitch is even hornier. 120 00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:27,159 Oh, yeah? 121 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,362 I was once with this dude who I caught eating a sandwich during sex. 122 00:05:30,363 --> 00:05:33,265 Big old meatball falls out, lands on my back... 123 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,801 rolls onto the elevator floor. 124 00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:38,302 Hmm. Disgusting, right? 125 00:05:38,371 --> 00:05:41,306 What? I never said it was you. 126 00:05:41,374 --> 00:05:44,643 Yeah, sorry we didn't stay as laser focused as you guys. 127 00:05:44,644 --> 00:05:47,112 Hey, at least I got some evidence. 128 00:05:47,113 --> 00:05:49,514 Look what I found in Quinn's bedroom. 129 00:05:49,515 --> 00:05:51,617 Barney's taking her to Hawaii. 130 00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:53,385 Lily, you snooped through her stuff? 131 00:05:53,386 --> 00:05:57,489 No. It's like the first thing you see when you jimmy open her desk drawer... 132 00:05:57,490 --> 00:06:01,193 with the letter opener her grandfather left her, according to her diary. 133 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:04,963 First-class tickets, a four-star hotel. These cost Barney a fortune. 134 00:06:04,964 --> 00:06:08,700 Yeah. This proves Quinn is totally using him for his money. 135 00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:10,202 You know what? Lily, enough. 136 00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:12,704 Guys, even if you're right about Quinn, this is Barney. 137 00:06:12,705 --> 00:06:16,341 He'll come to his senses. I give this whole thing a week, two weeks tops. 138 00:06:16,342 --> 00:06:18,744 And now we have an announcement. 139 00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:20,646 - Can I tell 'em? - No. 140 00:06:20,647 --> 00:06:23,147 We're moving in together. 141 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:26,218 - Congrats. - I'm so happy for you. 142 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:30,589 - We gotta end this. - [Ted, Lily, Robin] Yep. 143 00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:34,760 [Ted Narrating] Kids, as you recall... 144 00:06:34,761 --> 00:06:40,732 our gang had a subtle way of letting someone know they were making a mistake. 145 00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:44,002 - Where have you been? - Uh, worth it. Hang on. 146 00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:46,503 Hey. 147 00:06:52,812 --> 00:06:56,862 You know we would've hated ourselves, right? 148 00:06:57,050 --> 00:07:01,053 So, did Robin tell you the incredibly devious thing she did today? 149 00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:02,287 Me? 150 00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:05,590 Hey. So, I just happened to be in the neighborhood... 151 00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:11,129 and I thought, "Man, Quinn is in such great shape. She must love fruit." 152 00:07:11,130 --> 00:07:12,864 So, unrelated... 153 00:07:12,865 --> 00:07:14,766 how's the search for a "subletter" going? 154 00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:17,998 This is such a weird coincidence. 155 00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:20,439 Robin also just happened to be in the neighborhood... 156 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:24,276 with a bottle of wine and her credit scores. 157 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,777 [Cork Pops] 158 00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:32,050 I can't believe you two. 159 00:07:32,051 --> 00:07:33,418 What do you care about more- 160 00:07:33,419 --> 00:07:35,253 protecting your friend from getting hurt... 161 00:07:35,254 --> 00:07:37,055 or scoring this girl's apartment? 162 00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:38,757 There's a working fireplace. 163 00:07:38,758 --> 00:07:41,426 Patrice is ironing my pants all wrong! 164 00:07:41,427 --> 00:07:43,228 You guys should be ashamed. 165 00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:46,198 Speaking of shame, I was once with this chick... 166 00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:48,633 who liked to do hand stuff underneath a jacket... 167 00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:51,169 while we were all sitting around our favorite booth at MacLaren's. 168 00:07:51,170 --> 00:07:54,162 - Gross. - We share appetizers. 169 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:59,311 Okay. Well, I was once with a dude who couldn't even fantasize about a three-way. 170 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:02,814 - He was all, "Ooh, she's your best friend." - What now? 171 00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:05,150 I was once with a chick who wanted to get it on... 172 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,285 during a school production of Peter Pan. 173 00:08:07,286 --> 00:08:10,086 Well, l- Wait, that wasn't me. 174 00:08:10,656 --> 00:08:12,657 So back to Patrice and this ironing issue. 175 00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:15,293 I thought I was the first girl you ever did anything with. 176 00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:18,063 Anything serious. Please don't tell me that you're jealous of me... 177 00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:21,533 getting to second base in 10th grade with Jenna Cristalli. 178 00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:25,937 Don't say that whore's name in front of our baby. 179 00:08:25,938 --> 00:08:28,206 What's going on? 180 00:08:28,207 --> 00:08:31,009 Barney, this is an intervention. 181 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:32,811 [Clears Throat] 182 00:08:32,812 --> 00:08:34,880 A "Quinntervention." 183 00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:38,884 You and Quinn are moving really fast, and we don't trust her. 184 00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:41,787 We're just looking out for your best interests. 185 00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:43,989 [Clears Throat] 186 00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:46,490 "Quinnterests." 187 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,794 I don't understand. Wha- 188 00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:50,595 Wait a second. 189 00:08:50,596 --> 00:08:52,964 Ted Evelyn Mosby... 190 00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:55,490 you broke the Broath. 191 00:08:55,568 --> 00:08:57,335 How dare you! 192 00:08:57,336 --> 00:08:59,805 A Broath is the most sacred bond between- 193 00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:01,540 Okay, yeah, I did. 194 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:04,242 Are you aware that breaking a Broath... 195 00:09:04,243 --> 00:09:08,111 can have deadly, even fatal repercussions? 196 00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,148 Have ya studied history, Ted? 197 00:09:10,149 --> 00:09:13,251 Extensively. But I'm a little shaky on fake history, so- 198 00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:15,754 The tragic cost of a broken Broath... 199 00:09:15,755 --> 00:09:19,521 dates back to ancient Broman times. 200 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,495 Hey, Brotus. 201 00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:28,266 You'd tell me if, like, a bunch of dudes were conspiring to assassinate me, right? 202 00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:31,668 Um, totally, Caesar. 203 00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:34,105 Paranoid much? [Chuckles] 204 00:09:34,106 --> 00:09:36,341 Just to be sure... 205 00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:38,710 can you swear a Broath to me? 206 00:09:38,711 --> 00:09:41,211 Sure. I swear. 207 00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:45,711 Thanks. You've always got my back. 208 00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:49,552 ## [Whistling] 209 00:10:05,972 --> 00:10:08,873 Et tu, Bro-te? 210 00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:13,411 [Gasping] 211 00:10:13,412 --> 00:10:18,316 And then he banged, like, a hundred chicks and invented a salad. 212 00:10:18,317 --> 00:10:19,784 True story. 213 00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:22,687 Quinn lied to you. She manipulated you. 214 00:10:22,688 --> 00:10:24,489 What if she's just using you? 215 00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:27,759 - She's not just using me. - What about the expensive trip to Hawaii? 216 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:30,695 What expensive trip to Hawaii? 217 00:10:30,763 --> 00:10:33,263 The one I got for you. 218 00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:35,834 That was supposed to be a surprise for Barney. 219 00:10:35,835 --> 00:10:38,370 He asked me to meet him here. 220 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,605 What's going on, you guys? 221 00:10:40,606 --> 00:10:43,106 Tell her. 222 00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:46,378 [Scoffs] Fine. I'll fill her in. 223 00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:51,349 And I am so angry, I am not even gonna make a joke about "filling her in." 224 00:10:51,350 --> 00:10:54,252 Which I did three times last night. Self-five. 225 00:10:54,253 --> 00:10:56,321 My friends think you're wrong for me... 226 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,690 so they're having an intervention. 227 00:10:58,691 --> 00:11:00,392 [Clears Throat] 228 00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:03,021 A "Quinntervention." 229 00:11:03,095 --> 00:11:04,796 I don't understand. 230 00:11:04,797 --> 00:11:06,865 Well, see, your name is Quinn, and so- 231 00:11:06,866 --> 00:11:09,366 I'll explain. 232 00:11:09,368 --> 00:11:12,637 I made Ted promise not to tell them what you do... 233 00:11:12,638 --> 00:11:15,106 but he did, and now they don't trust you. 234 00:11:15,107 --> 00:11:18,543 Wow. That really hurts. 235 00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:23,048 But what's even worse is that you felt the need to lie about me. 236 00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:27,285 I'm not ashamed of who I am, Barney, but you clearly are. 237 00:11:27,286 --> 00:11:30,822 I'm not ashamed of you. I just didn't want them to judge you without- 238 00:11:30,823 --> 00:11:32,624 Maybe we are moving too fast. 239 00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:34,659 What? What is that supposed to mean? 240 00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:36,695 I don't think I can do this. 241 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:40,746 Wait. Are you ending things, just like that? 242 00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:43,301 If you walk out that door, you prove them right. 243 00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:45,537 You prove that you're just some heartless stripper... 244 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,418 who never gave a damn about me- 245 00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:52,375 Don't call me. 246 00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:55,145 [Sighs] 247 00:11:55,748 --> 00:11:58,740 Wow. That was intense. 248 00:11:58,818 --> 00:12:01,318 [Clears Throat] 249 00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:06,057 [Sighs] 250 00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:08,994 We just destroyed what could have been... 251 00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:11,329 a once-in-a-lifetime shot at happiness. 252 00:12:11,330 --> 00:12:13,598 I know. I feel guilty too. 253 00:12:13,599 --> 00:12:16,167 [Sighs] Fireplace, balcony... 254 00:12:16,168 --> 00:12:18,570 hardwood floors. 255 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,138 Okay, I'll just say it. 256 00:12:20,139 --> 00:12:21,873 After everything that happened between us... 257 00:12:21,874 --> 00:12:24,776 I can't believe you wouldn't back down and let me have Quinn's place. 258 00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:28,447 Ted, can I talk to you out in the hall? 259 00:12:30,549 --> 00:12:35,053 Has it ever occurred to you that the last few weeks haven't been easy for me either? 260 00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:38,857 In the span of one day, my engagement fell apart... 261 00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:41,493 I lost my best friend, then I lost my apartment. 262 00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,762 And now I'm about to lose my job. 263 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,697 - What do you mean? - [Sighs] 264 00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:49,034 I've been completely distracted at work. 265 00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:51,736 And now my boss wants to see me Friday at five o'clock... 266 00:12:51,737 --> 00:12:55,740 which, around the office, is known as "fire o'clock." 267 00:12:55,741 --> 00:12:57,542 I had no idea. 268 00:12:57,543 --> 00:12:59,244 How could you? 269 00:12:59,245 --> 00:13:01,179 The one person I want to talk to most... 270 00:13:01,180 --> 00:13:03,081 barely looks me in the eye anymore... 271 00:13:03,082 --> 00:13:05,350 much less returns my calls. 272 00:13:05,351 --> 00:13:08,219 Ted, I know it took guts to tell me you love me. 273 00:13:08,220 --> 00:13:11,956 And I know how much it hurt that I didn't say it back. 274 00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:16,758 But damn it, this-this sucks for me too. 275 00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:20,897 I- I miss you. 276 00:13:21,901 --> 00:13:24,781 Is there any way we can just... 277 00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:27,470 go back to normal? 278 00:13:29,075 --> 00:13:32,615 I don't think I can do normal anymore. 279 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,615 Barney still isn't answering. 280 00:13:37,616 --> 00:13:40,816 We gotta go find him and apologize. 281 00:13:43,522 --> 00:13:46,562 Qu- Oh. I thought you were Quinn. 282 00:13:47,259 --> 00:13:49,060 Barney, we're so sorry. 283 00:13:49,061 --> 00:13:51,129 We never should've meddled like that. 284 00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:54,432 - Can you forgive us? - I don't know. You had no right to do that. 285 00:13:54,433 --> 00:13:56,201 How can we make it up to you, buddy? 286 00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:59,035 ## [Men Chanting: Dirge] 287 00:13:59,105 --> 00:14:02,074 I, one of Barney's best friends- 288 00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:04,876 [All] l, one of Barney's best friends- 289 00:14:04,877 --> 00:14:08,646 promise never to interfere with his personal life again- 290 00:14:08,647 --> 00:14:12,851 promise never to interfere with his personal life again- 291 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:16,354 unless it's an issue of health, national security... 292 00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,289 or he's about to get up on a fatty. 293 00:14:18,290 --> 00:14:22,827 unless it's an issue of health, national security... 294 00:14:22,828 --> 00:14:25,864 or he's about to get up on a fatty. 295 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:30,097 And now, to seal this sacred vow... 296 00:14:30,169 --> 00:14:31,369 the two ladies will kiss. 297 00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:34,760 - Barney- - The two ladies will kiss. 298 00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:42,714 - Lil? - [Chuckles] 299 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,149 Okay. 300 00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:46,151 - And now the gentlemen. - Dude. 301 00:14:46,152 --> 00:14:48,950 And now the gentlemen. 302 00:14:50,289 --> 00:14:52,789 This is- I feel so silly. 303 00:14:55,761 --> 00:14:58,261 Don't touch my face. 304 00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:04,669 I was going to say, "And now the gentlemen bump fists." 305 00:15:04,670 --> 00:15:07,672 How long you been holdin' back that one? 306 00:15:07,673 --> 00:15:12,210 Hot stuff, fellas. Did I see a little tongue in there? 307 00:15:12,211 --> 00:15:14,179 I don't understand. 308 00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:18,583 Well, if these two will keep their sweaty paws off each other for half a sec, I'll explain. 309 00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:20,518 It all started a couple of days ago. 310 00:15:20,519 --> 00:15:23,421 - I want you to meet my friends. - Should I be nervous? 311 00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:25,657 Is it like bringing me home to meet your parents? 312 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:28,459 No, no, no. Much more stressful than that. 313 00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:30,228 You see, my friends, while awesome... 314 00:15:30,229 --> 00:15:33,264 can be presumptuous, meddlesome and downright destructive. 315 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:35,533 When they learn what you do and how we met... 316 00:15:35,534 --> 00:15:37,869 they'll probably try to break us up. 317 00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:40,705 So let's have some fun with them, mess with their heads. 318 00:15:40,706 --> 00:15:43,675 Are you saying... evil plan? 319 00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:45,376 Hells to the yes. 320 00:15:45,377 --> 00:15:47,579 My God, you're hot. 321 00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:49,147 - Wait for it. - [Grunts] 322 00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:50,648 Here's what we'll do. 323 00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:53,651 I'll make Ted swear not to tell anyone what he knows about you... 324 00:15:53,652 --> 00:15:55,253 and he'll cave immediately. 325 00:15:55,254 --> 00:15:57,822 Barney's dating a stripper who's gonna steal all his money. 326 00:15:57,823 --> 00:15:59,557 [Barney] Next, we invite everyone over. 327 00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:02,527 I'll keep saying stuff like, "ls it okay if I put out the hummus, bunny face?" 328 00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:05,330 [Quinn] And I'll be the bossy bitch who says, "No, save it for dessert. 329 00:16:05,331 --> 00:16:07,298 - ldiot." - [Barney] Nice. 330 00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:10,268 - And finally, we'll announce- - We're moving in together. 331 00:16:10,269 --> 00:16:14,672 I've got an idea. Let's get your friends Ted and Robin fighting over my apartment. 332 00:16:14,673 --> 00:16:18,243 - Wait. What does that have do with you and me? - Nothing. I just worship chaos. 333 00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:20,078 I can't handle how hot you are right now. 334 00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:21,713 - Wait for it. - [Groans] 335 00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:24,916 Next, they'll try to talk me into dumping you- 336 00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:26,284 [Quinn] And I'll walk in on it. 337 00:16:26,285 --> 00:16:27,819 [Barney] Then we pretend to break up. 338 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,188 And when they crawl back, begging for forgiveness... 339 00:16:30,189 --> 00:16:32,624 I'll be the bigger man and let them off the hook. 340 00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,859 [Quinn] Or make the monkeys dance for you. 341 00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:36,694 [Barney] God, you 're smart. 342 00:16:36,695 --> 00:16:39,357 It's gonna be legen- 343 00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:41,866 I 'm not waiting for it anymore. 344 00:16:41,867 --> 00:16:44,367 ...dary. 345 00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:47,572 My God. You two are- 346 00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,140 Perfect together. 347 00:16:49,141 --> 00:16:51,175 So you're not really moving in? 348 00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:54,479 Well, it started out as a joke, but the more we talked about it- 349 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:58,382 The more excited we got. So, yeah, we are. 350 00:16:58,450 --> 00:17:01,730 You have anything to say about that? 351 00:17:02,621 --> 00:17:04,756 - Congratulations, guys. - So happy for you. 352 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:07,297 - Oh, my gosh. - Thank you. 353 00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:10,009 - Hey. Congrats. - Thank you. 354 00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:16,267 You two realize this means my apartment really is up for grabs, right? 355 00:17:16,268 --> 00:17:18,670 - I'm sure I'll find something else. - Me too. 356 00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:20,071 Yeah? 357 00:17:20,072 --> 00:17:22,974 [Ted Narrating] And that's the story of how we met Quinn. 358 00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:26,844 That Friday, I met Robin to see how it went at "fire o 'clock." 359 00:17:26,845 --> 00:17:29,681 They promoted me to on-air talent. 360 00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:32,016 I 'm gonna be Sandy Rivers's new cohost. 361 00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:34,485 Oh, my God. How'd that happen? 362 00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:37,522 Well, remember New Year's Eve, when I filled in for Sandy? 363 00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:40,091 It turns out the C.E.O. of World Wide News liked me. 364 00:17:40,092 --> 00:17:43,661 - He said I have moxie. - So he's a 1940s gangster? 365 00:17:43,662 --> 00:17:45,730 [Laughs] Apparently. 366 00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:47,865 And I got a big raise... 367 00:17:47,866 --> 00:17:50,835 so, um, I'm taking this apartment on Central Park West... 368 00:17:50,836 --> 00:17:52,403 which means- 369 00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:56,908 - Quinn's apartment. - I already told her you'd take it. 370 00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,707 - Wow. Thanks. - Yeah. 371 00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:03,218 Hey, and congrats. You deserve it all. 372 00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:08,386 You know, I've been thinking about it, and, um... 373 00:18:08,387 --> 00:18:10,855 I can do normal. 374 00:18:10,856 --> 00:18:12,790 - To back to normal. - To back to normal. 375 00:18:12,791 --> 00:18:15,291 [Chuckling] 376 00:18:22,534 --> 00:18:24,769 Uh, l-I should get going. 377 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:27,038 - Yeah, you've got a lot to do. - Totally. 378 00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:28,406 - See you soon. - See you soon. 379 00:18:28,407 --> 00:18:30,375 Yeah. 380 00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:33,077 [Ted Narrating] We wouldn't see each other for a long time. 381 00:18:33,078 --> 00:18:35,246 But I'll get to that. 382 00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:37,115 Listen, um... 383 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:41,085 about me getting to second base in 10th grade with Jenna Cristalli- 384 00:18:41,086 --> 00:18:42,954 I don't know what you're talking about. 385 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,156 I've already forgotten about that dumb ho-bag. 386 00:18:45,157 --> 00:18:49,260 Yeah. Um, it didn't happen while we were watching Peter Pan. 387 00:18:49,261 --> 00:18:53,071 It happened while I was playing Peter Pan. 388 00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:56,134 Here's a photo from the day I was cast. 389 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,436 That's me in the middle. 390 00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:00,471 But then I had my growth spurt. 391 00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:03,808 By opening night, I was too big for the flying harness... 392 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,309 and, well... 393 00:19:07,746 --> 00:19:12,410 I fell hands first right onto Jenna Cristalli. 394 00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:15,520 The tissues in her bra saved me two broken wrists. 395 00:19:15,521 --> 00:19:19,457 I'm sorry. I just wanted to have one cool sex story that wasn't you. 396 00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:21,292 Okay. Next time you tell it... 397 00:19:21,293 --> 00:19:26,330 you were in your dad's car, which you stole to go to a Metallica concert... 398 00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:30,111 and you got to third base with that slut. 399 00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:35,768 I was once with this chick... 400 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:38,721 who is just the best wife ever. 401 00:19:39,545 --> 00:19:42,080 [Man] # I will throw myself# 402 00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:44,282 Thank you for being so cool about what I do. 403 00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:46,217 A lot of guys would be weird or jealous. 404 00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:51,558 Are you kidding? Who am I to judge anyone? I'm the devil. 405 00:19:54,593 --> 00:19:57,395 I mean, if you ever wanted to stop stripping, I'd support it. 406 00:19:57,396 --> 00:19:59,664 If you wanted to. 407 00:19:59,665 --> 00:20:01,799 Uh-huh. So, you are jealous. 408 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,901 What? No. No, not at all. 409 00:20:03,902 --> 00:20:06,804 I'm just saying, if you ever wanted to hang up the ol' G-string... 410 00:20:06,805 --> 00:20:08,673 I'd completely understand. 411 00:20:08,674 --> 00:20:11,642 Nah. I like taking my clothes off for money. 412 00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:14,908 Great. [Mumbling] 413 00:20:14,980 --> 00:20:19,474 Hypothetically, what would make you stop? 414 00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:21,986 Hypothetically... 415 00:20:21,987 --> 00:20:26,167 I would stop stripping if I ever got married. 416 00:20:27,993 --> 00:20:30,493 Good night. 417 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:39,427 And then we agreed to go back to normal. 418 00:20:39,505 --> 00:20:45,076 But I'm starting to wonder if we can ever really just be friends. 419 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,979 Anyway, that's the story of me and Robin... 420 00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:49,981 2005 to the present. 421 00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:51,549 What do you think? 422 00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:54,652 I think your stories are way too long. 423 00:20:54,653 --> 00:20:58,122 - I feel bad for his future kids, dude. - [Laughs] 424 00:20:58,123 --> 00:21:01,693 Hey, my kids are gonna love my stories. 425 00:21:04,229 --> 00:21:08,409 They're gonna- They're gonna love my stories. 31283

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