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1
00:00:00,967 --> 00:00:02,968
[Ted Narrating]
Kids, in the spring of 2012...
2
00:00:02,969 --> 00:00:05,671
your Uncle Barney went off the grid
for a couple weeks.
3
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:08,974
So I was relieved when I got a text
asking me to come over to his place.
4
00:00:08,975 --> 00:00:12,711
- Glad to hear from you, buddy.
I was worried something bad-
- ## [Men Chanting: Dirge]
5
00:00:12,712 --> 00:00:15,579
happened... to you.
6
00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:18,517
- Welcome, Brother.
- What is this?
7
00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:20,452
Ted Evelyn Mosby...
8
00:00:20,453 --> 00:00:23,522
you are about to be sworn to secrecy...
9
00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:26,425
through the sacred vows of a Bro Oath-
10
00:00:26,426 --> 00:00:28,926
or... Broath.
11
00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:32,655
Please put on your brobe.
12
00:00:32,732 --> 00:00:34,900
Yeah, I'm not putting on the brobe.
13
00:00:34,901 --> 00:00:36,769
Ted, just-
14
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:39,270
Just- Okay?
15
00:00:42,575 --> 00:00:45,144
Wait, are they chanting "bro"?
16
00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:46,712
# Bro #
17
00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,847
I got some local monks to record this.
18
00:00:48,848 --> 00:00:51,016
Yeah, I got a monk guy. Cool, right?
19
00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:53,385
- It actually is, yeah.
- I'll burn it for you.
20
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:55,387
Just remind me about it after the Broath.
21
00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:57,913
Anyway, Ted Evelyn Mosby...
22
00:00:57,991 --> 00:01:01,051
this ritual forever binds you...
23
00:01:01,127 --> 00:01:03,228
to keep a solemn secret.
24
00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:04,530
Which is?
25
00:01:04,531 --> 00:01:06,198
I really like this Quinn girl!
26
00:01:06,199 --> 00:01:08,100
We've been spending
tons of time together...
27
00:01:08,101 --> 00:01:09,902
and I really want the gang to meet her.
28
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,738
But I'm afraid they're gonna disapprove
because, well, you know.
29
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,306
[Ted Narrating]
I did know.
30
00:01:14,307 --> 00:01:16,675
You see, Quinn was a stripper...
31
00:01:16,676 --> 00:01:19,712
who had swindled Barney
out of quite a bit of cash.
32
00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:21,580
We're inviting everyone
to dinner at Quinn's...
33
00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:23,015
and I want them to keep an open mind.
34
00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:24,783
Which brings us to the Broath.
35
00:01:24,784 --> 00:01:27,810
Place your hand on the Bro Code.
36
00:01:27,887 --> 00:01:29,955
[Sighs]
Yeah.
37
00:01:29,956 --> 00:01:31,757
Repeat after me.
38
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:35,455
I, Ted Evelyn Mosby-
39
00:01:35,528 --> 00:01:39,732
I, Ted "Why Did I Ever Tell You
My Middle Name" Mosby-
40
00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:43,769
solemnly swear not to tell our friends
that Quinn is a stripper.
41
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:46,872
solemnly swear not to tell our friends
that Quinn is a stripper...
42
00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:48,874
who duped you out of lots of money.
43
00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:50,376
You're only supposed to repeat after me.
44
00:01:50,377 --> 00:01:51,910
You're only supposed to repeat after me.
45
00:01:51,911 --> 00:01:52,878
- Stop it.
- Stop it.
46
00:01:52,879 --> 00:01:55,280
Silence!
47
00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:58,851
Look, I know that things
started out sketchy with me and Quinn...
48
00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:00,552
but I really like her, so, please-
49
00:02:00,553 --> 00:02:02,454
Do you...
50
00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:06,789
Ted "Middle Name Omitted" Mosby...
51
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:09,727
swear to uphold this Broath?
52
00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:12,131
I do.
53
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:15,401
Barney's dating a stripper
who's gonna steal all his money.
54
00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:17,902
## [Upbeat Pop]
55
00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:21,972
## [Man Vocalizing]
56
00:02:26,579 --> 00:02:28,447
## [Ends]
57
00:02:28,448 --> 00:02:30,349
Okay, time to go to Quinn's.
58
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,217
Now remember, I told you nothing, okay?
59
00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:34,720
- Barney really wants us all to like her.
- But how can we?
60
00:02:34,721 --> 00:02:37,623
Quinn totally duped Barney,
and he couldn't even see it.
61
00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:39,992
Well, apparently the sex is mind-blowing.
62
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,761
[Chuckles]
I've been there. Yeah.
63
00:02:42,762 --> 00:02:44,329
I was once with this chick...
64
00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:46,298
who answered the door
wearing nothing but, uh...
65
00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:49,601
whipped cream, a dog collar
and a hot pink thong.
66
00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:53,172
Marshall, you can't tell sex stories
about "this chick"...
67
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,274
because everyone knows it's me.
68
00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:57,309
I'm the only woman you've ever been with.
69
00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:58,710
It's not fair.
70
00:02:58,711 --> 00:03:00,312
The guys are always telling
their sex stories...
71
00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:02,114
and I can top every one of 'em.
72
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:05,017
Baby, you're like 20 slutty chicks
all rolled into one.
73
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,186
Sweet talk is not gonna change my mind.
74
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,254
Let's focus.
75
00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:11,256
Tonight, we wanna make sure...
76
00:03:11,257 --> 00:03:13,192
that Quinn is not out to scam Barney.
77
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:16,528
So when we walk back through that door
three hours from now...
78
00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:19,531
we should all be able to answer
one simple question-
79
00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:21,633
[Tape Fast-Forwarding]
80
00:03:21,634 --> 00:03:23,769
Do we trust this girl?
81
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:27,139
Well, for one thing,
she seems kinda controlling.
82
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:30,175
Is it okay if I put out the hummus,
bunny face?
83
00:03:30,176 --> 00:03:33,006
No, save it for dessert. Idiot.
84
00:03:33,913 --> 00:03:35,981
[Laughing]
85
00:03:35,982 --> 00:03:39,440
Uh- More red wine, beauty swan?
86
00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:42,019
She drinks a lot.
87
00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:44,656
Is it okay if I go pee, sugar lamb?
88
00:03:44,657 --> 00:03:46,825
No. You just went three hours ago.
89
00:03:46,826 --> 00:03:49,326
You're right, baby bear.
90
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:52,731
[Groans]
91
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:57,069
Yes, so Barney's whipped.
It doesn't mean that Quinn is a con artist.
92
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,505
Oh, maybe we could've gotten
a better read on her...
93
00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:02,374
if two people hadn't gone off topic.
94
00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:04,743
By the way, Quinn,
your apartment is amazing.
95
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:06,378
Aw, yeah, it's beautiful.
96
00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:08,647
I'm actually moving out soon.
97
00:04:08,648 --> 00:04:11,517
If you know anyone looking for a sublet,
this place is rent-controlled.
98
00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:13,452
You would not believe what I pay.
99
00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:16,588
[Ted Narrating] Kids, things had been
tense between Robin and I for weeks.
100
00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:20,893
Ever since she moved out and I gave
the apartment to Lily and Marshall...
101
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:23,328
I'd been crashing in university housing.
102
00:04:23,329 --> 00:04:24,997
It's 10:00.
103
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:28,800
Damn it, Ned, Martin and Milly.
People are trying to sleep.
104
00:04:28,801 --> 00:04:31,870
Hey, you were young like us once, right?
105
00:04:31,871 --> 00:04:35,238
I was never like you guys.
106
00:04:35,308 --> 00:04:38,544
[Ted Narrating] And Robin was staying
with her coworker Patrice.
107
00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:41,747
You seemed so down today, Robin,
I made you cookies.
108
00:04:41,748 --> 00:04:45,058
Damn it, Patrice! Stop smothering me!
109
00:04:45,552 --> 00:04:49,821
So when Quinn said
her apartment was available-
110
00:04:49,822 --> 00:04:52,224
- Dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs.
- It's mine, it's mine, it's mine.
111
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:55,427
We got off topic? What about Marshall?
112
00:04:55,428 --> 00:04:59,264
Hey, I was just going along
with whoever suggested we play that game.
113
00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:03,168
Hey, let's play a game.
Uh, "craziest sex in public" story. I'll start.
114
00:05:03,169 --> 00:05:07,406
I was once with this chick
who loved to get freaky in elevators.
115
00:05:07,407 --> 00:05:12,144
Doors would close- suddenly she's panting
on all fours like a dog in heat.
116
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,179
[Panting]
117
00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:17,683
- Marshall, stop.
- I never said that it was you.
118
00:05:17,684 --> 00:05:21,887
Okay, so anyway, last August,
I go bareback with this same slut.
119
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:25,568
She gets pregnant- bitch is even hornier.
120
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:27,159
Oh, yeah?
121
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,362
I was once with this dude
who I caught eating a sandwich during sex.
122
00:05:30,363 --> 00:05:33,265
Big old meatball falls out,
lands on my back...
123
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,801
rolls onto the elevator floor.
124
00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:38,302
Hmm. Disgusting, right?
125
00:05:38,371 --> 00:05:41,306
What? I never said it was you.
126
00:05:41,374 --> 00:05:44,643
Yeah, sorry we didn't stay
as laser focused as you guys.
127
00:05:44,644 --> 00:05:47,112
Hey, at least I got some evidence.
128
00:05:47,113 --> 00:05:49,514
Look what I found in Quinn's bedroom.
129
00:05:49,515 --> 00:05:51,617
Barney's taking her to Hawaii.
130
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:53,385
Lily, you snooped through her stuff?
131
00:05:53,386 --> 00:05:57,489
No. It's like the first thing you see
when you jimmy open her desk drawer...
132
00:05:57,490 --> 00:06:01,193
with the letter opener her grandfather
left her, according to her diary.
133
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:04,963
First-class tickets, a four-star hotel.
These cost Barney a fortune.
134
00:06:04,964 --> 00:06:08,700
Yeah. This proves Quinn
is totally using him for his money.
135
00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:10,202
You know what? Lily, enough.
136
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:12,704
Guys, even if you're right about Quinn,
this is Barney.
137
00:06:12,705 --> 00:06:16,341
He'll come to his senses. I give this
whole thing a week, two weeks tops.
138
00:06:16,342 --> 00:06:18,744
And now we have an announcement.
139
00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:20,646
- Can I tell 'em?
- No.
140
00:06:20,647 --> 00:06:23,147
We're moving in together.
141
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:26,218
- Congrats.
- I'm so happy for you.
142
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:30,589
- We gotta end this.
- [Ted, Lily, Robin] Yep.
143
00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:34,760
[Ted Narrating]
Kids, as you recall...
144
00:06:34,761 --> 00:06:40,732
our gang had a subtle way of letting
someone know they were making a mistake.
145
00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:44,002
- Where have you been?
- Uh, worth it. Hang on.
146
00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:46,503
Hey.
147
00:06:52,812 --> 00:06:56,862
You know we would've
hated ourselves, right?
148
00:06:57,050 --> 00:07:01,053
So, did Robin tell you the incredibly
devious thing she did today?
149
00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:02,287
Me?
150
00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:05,590
Hey. So, I just happened
to be in the neighborhood...
151
00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:11,129
and I thought, "Man, Quinn is in such
great shape. She must love fruit."
152
00:07:11,130 --> 00:07:12,864
So, unrelated...
153
00:07:12,865 --> 00:07:14,766
how's the search for a "subletter" going?
154
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:17,998
This is such a weird coincidence.
155
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:20,439
Robin also just happened to be
in the neighborhood...
156
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:24,276
with a bottle of wine
and her credit scores.
157
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,777
[Cork Pops]
158
00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:32,050
I can't believe you two.
159
00:07:32,051 --> 00:07:33,418
What do you care about more-
160
00:07:33,419 --> 00:07:35,253
protecting your friend
from getting hurt...
161
00:07:35,254 --> 00:07:37,055
or scoring this girl's apartment?
162
00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:38,757
There's a working fireplace.
163
00:07:38,758 --> 00:07:41,426
Patrice is ironing my pants all wrong!
164
00:07:41,427 --> 00:07:43,228
You guys should be ashamed.
165
00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:46,198
Speaking of shame,
I was once with this chick...
166
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:48,633
who liked to do hand stuff
underneath a jacket...
167
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:51,169
while we were all sitting around
our favorite booth at MacLaren's.
168
00:07:51,170 --> 00:07:54,162
- Gross.
- We share appetizers.
169
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:59,311
Okay. Well, I was once with a dude who
couldn't even fantasize about a three-way.
170
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:02,814
- He was all, "Ooh, she's your best friend."
- What now?
171
00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:05,150
I was once with a chick
who wanted to get it on...
172
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,285
during a school production of Peter Pan.
173
00:08:07,286 --> 00:08:10,086
Well, l- Wait, that wasn't me.
174
00:08:10,656 --> 00:08:12,657
So back to Patrice and this ironing issue.
175
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:15,293
I thought I was the first girl
you ever did anything with.
176
00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:18,063
Anything serious. Please don't tell me
that you're jealous of me...
177
00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:21,533
getting to second base in 10th grade
with Jenna Cristalli.
178
00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:25,937
Don't say that whore's name
in front of our baby.
179
00:08:25,938 --> 00:08:28,206
What's going on?
180
00:08:28,207 --> 00:08:31,009
Barney, this is an intervention.
181
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:32,811
[Clears Throat]
182
00:08:32,812 --> 00:08:34,880
A "Quinntervention."
183
00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:38,884
You and Quinn are moving really fast,
and we don't trust her.
184
00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:41,787
We're just looking out
for your best interests.
185
00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:43,989
[Clears Throat]
186
00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:46,490
"Quinnterests."
187
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,794
I don't understand. Wha-
188
00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:50,595
Wait a second.
189
00:08:50,596 --> 00:08:52,964
Ted Evelyn Mosby...
190
00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:55,490
you broke the Broath.
191
00:08:55,568 --> 00:08:57,335
How dare you!
192
00:08:57,336 --> 00:08:59,805
A Broath is the most sacred bond between-
193
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:01,540
Okay, yeah, I did.
194
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:04,242
Are you aware that breaking a Broath...
195
00:09:04,243 --> 00:09:08,111
can have deadly, even fatal repercussions?
196
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,148
Have ya studied history, Ted?
197
00:09:10,149 --> 00:09:13,251
Extensively. But I'm a little shaky
on fake history, so-
198
00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:15,754
The tragic cost of a broken Broath...
199
00:09:15,755 --> 00:09:19,521
dates back to ancient Broman times.
200
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,495
Hey, Brotus.
201
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:28,266
You'd tell me if, like, a bunch of dudes
were conspiring to assassinate me, right?
202
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:31,668
Um, totally, Caesar.
203
00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:34,105
Paranoid much?
[Chuckles]
204
00:09:34,106 --> 00:09:36,341
Just to be sure...
205
00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:38,710
can you swear a Broath to me?
206
00:09:38,711 --> 00:09:41,211
Sure. I swear.
207
00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:45,711
Thanks. You've always got my back.
208
00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:49,552
## [Whistling]
209
00:10:05,972 --> 00:10:08,873
Et tu, Bro-te?
210
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:13,411
[Gasping]
211
00:10:13,412 --> 00:10:18,316
And then he banged, like, a hundred chicks
and invented a salad.
212
00:10:18,317 --> 00:10:19,784
True story.
213
00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:22,687
Quinn lied to you. She manipulated you.
214
00:10:22,688 --> 00:10:24,489
What if she's just using you?
215
00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:27,759
- She's not just using me.
- What about the expensive trip to Hawaii?
216
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:30,695
What expensive trip to Hawaii?
217
00:10:30,763 --> 00:10:33,263
The one I got for you.
218
00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:35,834
That was supposed to be
a surprise for Barney.
219
00:10:35,835 --> 00:10:38,370
He asked me to meet him here.
220
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,605
What's going on, you guys?
221
00:10:40,606 --> 00:10:43,106
Tell her.
222
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:46,378
[Scoffs]
Fine. I'll fill her in.
223
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:51,349
And I am so angry, I am not even
gonna make a joke about "filling her in."
224
00:10:51,350 --> 00:10:54,252
Which I did three times last night.
Self-five.
225
00:10:54,253 --> 00:10:56,321
My friends think you're wrong for me...
226
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,690
so they're having an intervention.
227
00:10:58,691 --> 00:11:00,392
[Clears Throat]
228
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:03,021
A "Quinntervention."
229
00:11:03,095 --> 00:11:04,796
I don't understand.
230
00:11:04,797 --> 00:11:06,865
Well, see, your name is Quinn, and so-
231
00:11:06,866 --> 00:11:09,366
I'll explain.
232
00:11:09,368 --> 00:11:12,637
I made Ted promise
not to tell them what you do...
233
00:11:12,638 --> 00:11:15,106
but he did, and now they don't trust you.
234
00:11:15,107 --> 00:11:18,543
Wow. That really hurts.
235
00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:23,048
But what's even worse
is that you felt the need to lie about me.
236
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:27,285
I'm not ashamed of who I am, Barney,
but you clearly are.
237
00:11:27,286 --> 00:11:30,822
I'm not ashamed of you.
I just didn't want them to judge you without-
238
00:11:30,823 --> 00:11:32,624
Maybe we are moving too fast.
239
00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:34,659
What? What is that supposed to mean?
240
00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:36,695
I don't think I can do this.
241
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:40,746
Wait. Are you ending things,
just like that?
242
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:43,301
If you walk out that door,
you prove them right.
243
00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:45,537
You prove that you're
just some heartless stripper...
244
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,418
who never gave a damn about me-
245
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:52,375
Don't call me.
246
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:55,145
[Sighs]
247
00:11:55,748 --> 00:11:58,740
Wow. That was intense.
248
00:11:58,818 --> 00:12:01,318
[Clears Throat]
249
00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:06,057
[Sighs]
250
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:08,994
We just destroyed what could have been...
251
00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:11,329
a once-in-a-lifetime shot at happiness.
252
00:12:11,330 --> 00:12:13,598
I know. I feel guilty too.
253
00:12:13,599 --> 00:12:16,167
[Sighs]
Fireplace, balcony...
254
00:12:16,168 --> 00:12:18,570
hardwood floors.
255
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,138
Okay, I'll just say it.
256
00:12:20,139 --> 00:12:21,873
After everything
that happened between us...
257
00:12:21,874 --> 00:12:24,776
I can't believe you wouldn't back down
and let me have Quinn's place.
258
00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:28,447
Ted, can I talk to you out in the hall?
259
00:12:30,549 --> 00:12:35,053
Has it ever occurred to you that the last
few weeks haven't been easy for me either?
260
00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:38,857
In the span of one day,
my engagement fell apart...
261
00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:41,493
I lost my best friend,
then I lost my apartment.
262
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,762
And now I'm about to lose my job.
263
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,697
- What do you mean?
- [Sighs]
264
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:49,034
I've been completely distracted at work.
265
00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:51,736
And now my boss wants to see me
Friday at five o'clock...
266
00:12:51,737 --> 00:12:55,740
which, around the office,
is known as "fire o'clock."
267
00:12:55,741 --> 00:12:57,542
I had no idea.
268
00:12:57,543 --> 00:12:59,244
How could you?
269
00:12:59,245 --> 00:13:01,179
The one person I want to talk to most...
270
00:13:01,180 --> 00:13:03,081
barely looks me in the eye anymore...
271
00:13:03,082 --> 00:13:05,350
much less returns my calls.
272
00:13:05,351 --> 00:13:08,219
Ted, I know it took guts
to tell me you love me.
273
00:13:08,220 --> 00:13:11,956
And I know how much it hurt
that I didn't say it back.
274
00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:16,758
But damn it, this-this sucks for me too.
275
00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:20,897
I- I miss you.
276
00:13:21,901 --> 00:13:24,781
Is there any way we can just...
277
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:27,470
go back to normal?
278
00:13:29,075 --> 00:13:32,615
I don't think I can do normal anymore.
279
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,615
Barney still isn't answering.
280
00:13:37,616 --> 00:13:40,816
We gotta go find him and apologize.
281
00:13:43,522 --> 00:13:46,562
Qu- Oh. I thought you were Quinn.
282
00:13:47,259 --> 00:13:49,060
Barney, we're so sorry.
283
00:13:49,061 --> 00:13:51,129
We never should've meddled like that.
284
00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:54,432
- Can you forgive us?
- I don't know. You had no right to do that.
285
00:13:54,433 --> 00:13:56,201
How can we make it up to you, buddy?
286
00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:59,035
## [Men Chanting: Dirge]
287
00:13:59,105 --> 00:14:02,074
I, one of Barney's best friends-
288
00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:04,876
[All]
l, one of Barney's best friends-
289
00:14:04,877 --> 00:14:08,646
promise never to interfere
with his personal life again-
290
00:14:08,647 --> 00:14:12,851
promise never to interfere
with his personal life again-
291
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:16,354
unless it's an issue of health,
national security...
292
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,289
or he's about to get up on a fatty.
293
00:14:18,290 --> 00:14:22,827
unless it's an issue of health,
national security...
294
00:14:22,828 --> 00:14:25,864
or he's about to get up on a fatty.
295
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:30,097
And now, to seal this sacred vow...
296
00:14:30,169 --> 00:14:31,369
the two ladies will kiss.
297
00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:34,760
- Barney-
- The two ladies will kiss.
298
00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:42,714
- Lil?
- [Chuckles]
299
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,149
Okay.
300
00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:46,151
- And now the gentlemen.
- Dude.
301
00:14:46,152 --> 00:14:48,950
And now the gentlemen.
302
00:14:50,289 --> 00:14:52,789
This is- I feel so silly.
303
00:14:55,761 --> 00:14:58,261
Don't touch my face.
304
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:04,669
I was going to say,
"And now the gentlemen bump fists."
305
00:15:04,670 --> 00:15:07,672
How long you been holdin' back that one?
306
00:15:07,673 --> 00:15:12,210
Hot stuff, fellas.
Did I see a little tongue in there?
307
00:15:12,211 --> 00:15:14,179
I don't understand.
308
00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:18,583
Well, if these two will keep their sweaty paws
off each other for half a sec, I'll explain.
309
00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:20,518
It all started a couple of days ago.
310
00:15:20,519 --> 00:15:23,421
- I want you to meet my friends.
- Should I be nervous?
311
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:25,657
Is it like bringing me home
to meet your parents?
312
00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:28,459
No, no, no.
Much more stressful than that.
313
00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:30,228
You see, my friends, while awesome...
314
00:15:30,229 --> 00:15:33,264
can be presumptuous, meddlesome
and downright destructive.
315
00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:35,533
When they learn what you do
and how we met...
316
00:15:35,534 --> 00:15:37,869
they'll probably try to break us up.
317
00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:40,705
So let's have some fun with them,
mess with their heads.
318
00:15:40,706 --> 00:15:43,675
Are you saying... evil plan?
319
00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:45,376
Hells to the yes.
320
00:15:45,377 --> 00:15:47,579
My God, you're hot.
321
00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:49,147
- Wait for it.
- [Grunts]
322
00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:50,648
Here's what we'll do.
323
00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:53,651
I'll make Ted swear not to tell anyone
what he knows about you...
324
00:15:53,652 --> 00:15:55,253
and he'll cave immediately.
325
00:15:55,254 --> 00:15:57,822
Barney's dating a stripper
who's gonna steal all his money.
326
00:15:57,823 --> 00:15:59,557
[Barney]
Next, we invite everyone over.
327
00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:02,527
I'll keep saying stuff like, "ls it okay
if I put out the hummus, bunny face?"
328
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:05,330
[Quinn] And I'll be the bossy bitch
who says, "No, save it for dessert.
329
00:16:05,331 --> 00:16:07,298
- ldiot."
- [Barney] Nice.
330
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:10,268
- And finally, we'll announce-
- We're moving in together.
331
00:16:10,269 --> 00:16:14,672
I've got an idea. Let's get your friends
Ted and Robin fighting over my apartment.
332
00:16:14,673 --> 00:16:18,243
- Wait. What does that
have do with you and me?
- Nothing. I just worship chaos.
333
00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:20,078
I can't handle how hot you are right now.
334
00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:21,713
- Wait for it.
- [Groans]
335
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:24,916
Next, they'll try
to talk me into dumping you-
336
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:26,284
[Quinn]
And I'll walk in on it.
337
00:16:26,285 --> 00:16:27,819
[Barney]
Then we pretend to break up.
338
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,188
And when they crawl back,
begging for forgiveness...
339
00:16:30,189 --> 00:16:32,624
I'll be the bigger man
and let them off the hook.
340
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,859
[Quinn]
Or make the monkeys dance for you.
341
00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:36,694
[Barney]
God, you 're smart.
342
00:16:36,695 --> 00:16:39,357
It's gonna be legen-
343
00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:41,866
I 'm not waiting for it anymore.
344
00:16:41,867 --> 00:16:44,367
...dary.
345
00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:47,572
My God. You two are-
346
00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,140
Perfect together.
347
00:16:49,141 --> 00:16:51,175
So you're not really moving in?
348
00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:54,479
Well, it started out as a joke,
but the more we talked about it-
349
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:58,382
The more excited we got. So, yeah, we are.
350
00:16:58,450 --> 00:17:01,730
You have anything to say about that?
351
00:17:02,621 --> 00:17:04,756
- Congratulations, guys.
- So happy for you.
352
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:07,297
- Oh, my gosh.
- Thank you.
353
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:10,009
- Hey. Congrats.
- Thank you.
354
00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:16,267
You two realize this means
my apartment really is up for grabs, right?
355
00:17:16,268 --> 00:17:18,670
- I'm sure I'll find something else.
- Me too.
356
00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:20,071
Yeah?
357
00:17:20,072 --> 00:17:22,974
[Ted Narrating]
And that's the story of how we met Quinn.
358
00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:26,844
That Friday, I met Robin
to see how it went at "fire o 'clock."
359
00:17:26,845 --> 00:17:29,681
They promoted me to on-air talent.
360
00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:32,016
I 'm gonna be Sandy Rivers's new cohost.
361
00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:34,485
Oh, my God. How'd that happen?
362
00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:37,522
Well, remember New Year's Eve,
when I filled in for Sandy?
363
00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:40,091
It turns out the C.E.O.
of World Wide News liked me.
364
00:17:40,092 --> 00:17:43,661
- He said I have moxie.
- So he's a 1940s gangster?
365
00:17:43,662 --> 00:17:45,730
[Laughs]
Apparently.
366
00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:47,865
And I got a big raise...
367
00:17:47,866 --> 00:17:50,835
so, um, I'm taking this apartment
on Central Park West...
368
00:17:50,836 --> 00:17:52,403
which means-
369
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:56,908
- Quinn's apartment.
- I already told her you'd take it.
370
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,707
- Wow. Thanks.
- Yeah.
371
00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:03,218
Hey, and congrats. You deserve it all.
372
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:08,386
You know,
I've been thinking about it, and, um...
373
00:18:08,387 --> 00:18:10,855
I can do normal.
374
00:18:10,856 --> 00:18:12,790
- To back to normal.
- To back to normal.
375
00:18:12,791 --> 00:18:15,291
[Chuckling]
376
00:18:22,534 --> 00:18:24,769
Uh, l-I should get going.
377
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:27,038
- Yeah, you've got a lot to do.
- Totally.
378
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:28,406
- See you soon.
- See you soon.
379
00:18:28,407 --> 00:18:30,375
Yeah.
380
00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:33,077
[Ted Narrating] We wouldn't
see each other for a long time.
381
00:18:33,078 --> 00:18:35,246
But I'll get to that.
382
00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:37,115
Listen, um...
383
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:41,085
about me getting to second base
in 10th grade with Jenna Cristalli-
384
00:18:41,086 --> 00:18:42,954
I don't know what you're talking about.
385
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,156
I've already forgotten
about that dumb ho-bag.
386
00:18:45,157 --> 00:18:49,260
Yeah. Um, it didn't happen
while we were watching Peter Pan.
387
00:18:49,261 --> 00:18:53,071
It happened while I was playing Peter Pan.
388
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:56,134
Here's a photo from the day I was cast.
389
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,436
That's me in the middle.
390
00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:00,471
But then I had my growth spurt.
391
00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:03,808
By opening night,
I was too big for the flying harness...
392
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,309
and, well...
393
00:19:07,746 --> 00:19:12,410
I fell hands first
right onto Jenna Cristalli.
394
00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:15,520
The tissues in her bra
saved me two broken wrists.
395
00:19:15,521 --> 00:19:19,457
I'm sorry. I just wanted to have
one cool sex story that wasn't you.
396
00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:21,292
Okay. Next time you tell it...
397
00:19:21,293 --> 00:19:26,330
you were in your dad's car, which you
stole to go to a Metallica concert...
398
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:30,111
and you got to third base with that slut.
399
00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:35,768
I was once with this chick...
400
00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:38,721
who is just the best wife ever.
401
00:19:39,545 --> 00:19:42,080
[Man]
# I will throw myself#
402
00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:44,282
Thank you for being so cool
about what I do.
403
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:46,217
A lot of guys would be weird or jealous.
404
00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:51,558
Are you kidding?
Who am I to judge anyone? I'm the devil.
405
00:19:54,593 --> 00:19:57,395
I mean, if you ever wanted
to stop stripping, I'd support it.
406
00:19:57,396 --> 00:19:59,664
If you wanted to.
407
00:19:59,665 --> 00:20:01,799
Uh-huh. So, you are jealous.
408
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,901
What? No. No, not at all.
409
00:20:03,902 --> 00:20:06,804
I'm just saying, if you ever wanted
to hang up the ol' G-string...
410
00:20:06,805 --> 00:20:08,673
I'd completely understand.
411
00:20:08,674 --> 00:20:11,642
Nah. I like taking my clothes off
for money.
412
00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:14,908
Great.
[Mumbling]
413
00:20:14,980 --> 00:20:19,474
Hypothetically, what would make you stop?
414
00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:21,986
Hypothetically...
415
00:20:21,987 --> 00:20:26,167
I would stop stripping
if I ever got married.
416
00:20:27,993 --> 00:20:30,493
Good night.
417
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:39,427
And then we agreed to go back to normal.
418
00:20:39,505 --> 00:20:45,076
But I'm starting to wonder
if we can ever really just be friends.
419
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,979
Anyway,
that's the story of me and Robin...
420
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:49,981
2005 to the present.
421
00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:51,549
What do you think?
422
00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:54,652
I think your stories are way too long.
423
00:20:54,653 --> 00:20:58,122
- I feel bad for his future kids, dude.
- [Laughs]
424
00:20:58,123 --> 00:21:01,693
Hey, my kids are gonna love my stories.
425
00:21:04,229 --> 00:21:08,409
They're gonna-
They're gonna love my stories.
31283
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