Original subtitles

Dad, we need to talk.

- Is it about the bees? - Bees?

We're throwing a housewarming party in two weeks.

- Oh. - It's gonna be friends, neighbors.

- Did he say- Did he say bees? - Yeah.

Anyway, Marshall's been working very long hours lately...

so I have been planning this whole party by myself, and everything's in place-

the food, the wine.

I even found a rare Gouda on the lnternet.

- Ah. - Getting back to these bees.

Bottom line- this party is very important to me.

So I can only assume- and I say this with love-

you're gonna ruin it.

Lily, I promise I won't ruin your party.

I'll be charming and convivial. A regular Burt Reynolds.

- You have absolutely nothing to worry- - Tell us about the bees!

Well, all right, since you asked.

I'm starting up a business cultivating all-organic, artisanal honey.

That's right. I'm a job creator.

- Oh. - So this party-

No, Lily, wait. Um, if you don't mind, I have one follow-up.

Where are you doing this exactly?

Downstairs. There's 10,000 bees in the basement.

## [Upbeat Pop]

## [Man Vocalizing]

## [Ends]

- Why would you even say that? That's the most ridic- - [Shouting]

[Together] Happy housewarming!

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

Robin here spent all day learning how to make kugel.

Couldn't figure it out. This is from Zabar's.

- Can we heat it up in your oven? - Faster than heating it up in the refrigerator.

- I've had a few cocktails. - [Ted] Yeah.

- I've got it. - Take that.

[Ted Narrating] Kids, some day you're gonna throw a party...

and you might find yourself worrying that something's gonna go wrong.

Well, don 't.

What you should worry about is everything going wrong.

And what's really scary is how quickly that can happen.

At Lily and Marshall's housewarming party, for instance-

- [Beeping] - it only took five minutes.

Now, a lot happened in those five minutes.

You know what? I'm gonna take this room by room.

- [Beeps] - We'll start in the living room.

## ["Flight of the Bumblebee "]

Oh, no. That's not what you want.

- What? - Oh, nothing.

So you think this is going pretty well?

Baby, are you kidding?

You single-handedly pulled off the party of the year.

Oh, stop it. I used both hands.

[Chuckles] So what can I do to help?

Honey, this is your first night off in however long.

You just relax and keep knocking back those cocktails.

[Laughs] Mr. Cootes.

Hey, isn't it nice...

to finally have a night off?

It is. But tonight is not that night.

Uh, we're going back to the office in 45 minutes.

But, sir, this is our housewarming party.

You know, Mother Earth is also having...

a housewarming party too.

Only hers ends in humankind at the bottom of a rising ocean...

passing through the digestive tract of a sting ray.

By the way, it's a lovely home.

Mr. Cootes, I know you're a vegan...

so I got some vegan spring rolls for you over there.

Oh, nummies!

You're going back to work?

Geez, Marshall, you are as busy as a-

Oh, gosh. What are you as busy as?

Please don't talk about the bees.

I was gonna say Nicolas Cage. That guy is in everything.

Let's just put on some music.

- ## [Rock] - I'll bring out the Gouda.

We'll open a couple bottles of wine...

that are in the basement.

All right. I'll get my beekeeper's suit.

You should be happy about the bees.

They're keeping the mice at bay.

We have mice?

Not with all these bees flying around, we don't.

You're welcome.

Ted, baby Gouda's coming out. Look alive.

- Are you a vegan? - What?

- Ooh-whee! - Kitchen. Now!

What?

I can't believe that he's making us go to work tonight.

Are... you... a... vegan?

Um, no.

Uh-huh. And when you were shoveling the spring rolls down your gullet...

did you happen to notice a little sign next to the plate marked "Vegan"?

I- I think there's been some mistake.

You could've had anything on that table!

Anything at all!

Mini pizzas.

Bacon-wrapped figs. Pigs in blankets.

There was even talk of an inbound Gouda.

But no, no.

You had to have the one thing that someone with my dietary preferences can eat!

Look, I didn't eat the spring rolls.

Liar!

Your breath reeks of shredded carrots and deceit!

Okay, okay. Maybe I did eat your precious spring rolls.

- Ohh. - What are you gonna do about it, hippie?

- [Woman Screams] - It's fine. Everything's fine.

Young man- [Deep Breath]

are you suggesting fisticuffs?

- As in with our fists? - And feet.

I'm a kicker.

Well, well.

Looks like I just started eating white meat again.

I will bite and scratch you like a wolverine.

May I warn you...

I have been in a fight before.

So have l, sort of.

Oh, God.

Oh, Mr. Cootes?

Hi. Did you see that we had hummus and veggies?

- There's hummus and veggies? - Over there.

Hey, I'm not gonna let that guy push me around!

I believe it was Sun Tzu who wrote...

"Never give up. Never surrender."

- Shut up, Ted. - Okay.

For God's sake, Lily. You're pregnant.

[Grunts] For God's sake, Ted. Lily's pregnant.

[Grunts]

Oh, man.

Sorry about that.

I don't need this right now, Ted.

I shouldn't do this.

- I shouldn't do this. - What?

This is a bad idea. This is a bad idea.

- What is? - I should just go. I should just go!

Okay, okay. Just tell me what is going on.

I love my penis, Robin.

Barney, you promised!

I do! I love it!

If I could kiss it, I would!

I'd be lying if I told you I hadn't tried.

I'm not comfortable with this conversation.

Oh, come on, Robin! It's my penis we're talking about.

You've seen her. She's magnificent!

- "She"? - Every penis is a girl, Robin.

Everyone knows that.

Like ships and lake monsters.

And Gouda!

- She's a "beaut-a." - Ooh, Gouda.

Well, I'll be back.

Most of me anyway.

Don't eat that. Whoops.

- Oh! It's ruined! - It's not ruined. Ten-second rule.

Eight, nine, 10. And it's ruined.

This whole party's ruined.

I got a basement full of bees...

and Ted almost got into a fight with Mr. Cootes.

Lily, look around. Everyone's having an amazing time.

It's a great party.

- [Timer Beeping] - Okay. Maybe it's not a total disaster.

[Screaming]

[Man]# I'm burning, I'm burning I'm burning for you#

What the hell was that?

[Screaming]

[Ted Narrating] So that's what happened in the living room.

[Beeps]

Now I'm gonna tell you what happened in the dining room.

## ["Flight of the Bumblebee"]

Oh, no. That's not what you want.

Man, I can't believe these are vegan!

- I've had like 20 of 'em! - I should get the name of this caterer.

It's my kitten's bat mitzvah next week.

She's finally becoming a cat.

Oh, God, you are crazy... about cats.

Cats are so honest and real with their affections.

Ever since my divorce, it's been one liar after another.

That's why it's so refreshing to meet someone honest like you...

Special Agent Gary Powers.

Listen, I think we can agree... there's something here.

Something big...

that looks and probably feels real.

Maybe we can go back to your place?

I can't ask you to delay intercepting those asteroids.

I do need to intercept those asteroids.

- I think we need to have sex right now. - Y-

Meet me in the upstairs guest bedroom in two minutes.

- [Chuckles] - [Laughing]

I'm just looking for the vegan spring rolls.

- Last one. Sorry. - Two minutes.

- Mmm. - How can they all be gone?

- The party just started. - I know, right?

Let's just put on some music.

- ## [Rock] - I'll bring out the Gouda.

We'll open a couple bottles of wine... that are in the basement.

Some jerk was just here, and he was all, like...

"l can't believe these are vegan! I've had like 20 of 'em!"

Point me into the direction of this scoundrel.

Um, it was that guy.

Ted, baby Gouda's coming out. Look alive.

Lily, these spring rolls? Ooh-whee!

Kitchen. Now.

I can't believe that he's making us go to work tonight.

It's time somebody took him aside and told him this is not how you treat your staff.

- Well, I'm sort of busy with the party right now. - Fine. I'll do it myself.

But he's gonna scream at me, and you know that I can't stand up to screaming.

- Just go talk to him! - I should go talk to him.

- Barney. - Oh, Lily. Ted ate all the spring rolls.

You could've had anything on that table!

Mini pizzas. Bacon-wrapped figs.

Pigs in blankets. There was even talk of an inbound Gouda.

Robin! Okay, listen. I need your help.

I'm about to get in a screaming match with my boss...

and I'm not good at being screamed at, so I need you to warm me up.

- How? - I want you to scream at me.

You know, like you do to strangers on the street at the slightest provocation.

- [Scoffs] I don't do that. - Come on!

Lay some of that classic Scherbatsky mean son of a bitch on me.

Treat me like I'm a Girl Scout trying to sell you cookies.

Four dollars a box and you're out of Thin Mints? You green little-

I don't do that.

Come on! Scream at me.

- [Woman Screams] - Like that.

It's fine. Everything's fine.

Marshall, there is plenty of stuff I don't get mad about.

[Chuckles] Like the fact that you're serving pigs in blankets...

without hot mustard.

I'm not the type of person to be driven crazy by a host...

who refuses to provide delicious hot mustard...

in which to dip my pigs in blankets!

I'm the type of girl who- [Deep Breath] keeps her cool.

Who keeps her cool.

- [Exhales] - Hey, oh. Baby, are you okay?

Of course. Oh, this party is great.

I am handling this. Oh, God.

[Murmurs]

No.

Hummus and veggies. I'm looking for hummus and veggies.

Can I talk to you about something very dear to me?

Promise me this isn't about your penis.

I promise it isn't about my penis.

I'm sorry, dude.

Excuse me, sir. Could I talk to you in the kitchen?

- Sorry about that. - I don't need this right now, Ted.

I swear, if there is one more crisis-

Well, the bees escaped their enclosure...

but no reason to "bee" concerned.

[Chuckling]

No, there is. We're in big trouble.

- What is that smell? - Oh, I doused my suit with kerosene.

All beekeepers do this.

- Dad, just take off the suit right now. - All right, fine.

Every 30 seconds, there's another crisis that needs to be dealt with...

and I have to deal with it.

This is-

Oh, God. This is parenthood, isn't it?

- So they say. - Okay, it's official.

I thought I could do it, but I can't.

No. Marshall's always at work.

He's gotta go back tonight, and I don't know...

if I can handle a life that's just one crisis after another.

Lily, listen to me. I'm gonna give you a little piece of-

- Gouda! - God.

- Crisis? - Crisis.

Don't eat that. Whoops.

- Gouda's out, Ted. Don't sleep on the Gouda. - Wouldn't dream of it.

- So Lily told me you have to go back to work tonight? - I don't have to go to work.

Mr. Cootes and I came to an understanding.

But, hey, what's going on with Robin?

I called her a mean son of a bitch, and she took it all weird.

- She did? - Yeah.

Crazy, right?

Hey, buddy. Best housewarming party ever.

Everybody's abuzz.

- "Abuzz." - Oh, good one, Mickey.

- Hey, you're right. Great party. - [Timer Beeping]

[Screaming]

# I'm burning for you#

What the hell was that?

[Screaming]

[Ted Narrating] And that's what happened in the dining room.

[Beeps]

Now I'm gonna tell you what happened in the kitchen.

## ["Flight of the Bumblebee"]

Oh, no. That's not what you want.

Man, I can't believe these are vegan.

- Back to our fight? - Back to our fight.

I cannot believe you screamed at that woman at Zabar's.

She was trying to cut in line! She was gonna get the last kugel.

She was 90 years old. It was probably gonna be her last kugel.

Sometimes in life, you have to be assertive and stand up for yourself.

- You called her a whore. - Who wears that much makeup?

- Old ladies! - Who take money for sex. Exactly.

Look, I'm sorry.

If I would've left things in your dainty, lily-white...

"never ripped an old lady's wig off" hands...

we would be kugel-free right now.

Oh, so what- I'm too nice?

You never stand up for yourself.

Remember that sixth grader who kept stealing your lunch?

High school was a tough time for me, okay?

And that-that girl was muscular!

Forearms like Popeye!

- How-How do you even know about that? - Marshall told me.

He also said that you had your mom stop making...

peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches...

because of that girl's nut allergy.

I didn't wanna add to her health problems.

She was already in a wheelchair.

Okay, so what? I would rather be nice than be like you...

always getting in fights about stuff that's not even worth fighting about.

I disagree.

It's like Sun Tzu wrote in The Art of War-

"Never give up. Never surrender."

- That was Tim Allen in Galaxy Quest. - Whatever, dude.

Your problem is, anytime you're faced with the least bit of confrontation, you run away.

Oh, I run away from confrontation?

Ted, baby Gouda's coming out. Look alive.

- [Barney] Ooh-whee! - Whoops!

Son of a- I'm sorry. Maybe that was my fault.

Ya think? You're right in my snack track.

Hey, nice beekeeper suit.

Do you know that, uh, most bees are left-handed?

Do you know that bees hate the smell of kerosene?

I knew that. Geez, what do you think?

This is my first day as a beekeeper?

- [Zipper Zips] - Nice. Oh.

Is that true about bees and kerosene?

I don't know.

- Barney. - Oh, Lily.

Ted ate all the spring rolls.

Barney, that woman you were talking to- our neighbor Geraldine.

Some guy slept with her and didn't call her...

so she hunted him down and cut off a certain part of his anatomy...

with a cheese knife.

- [Exhales] - So whatever you do, don't sleep with her.

It's funny.

She is, uh, waiting for me in the guest bedroom right now.

Oh, God. Oh, God!

That was the idea, but now forget it!

Barney, this is a disaster. I swear, if there is one- [Gasps]

It's fine. Everything's fine. Hey, 10-second rule, right?

[Lily Screams]

It's fine. Everything's fine.

Shoo. Shoo. Shoo!

I know you're pregnant, but you need a glass of wine.

I got that cheese off the lnternet.

I know you got it off the lnternet.

Why does that make it impressive?

You know what else you can find on the lnternet?

Zoo animals masturbating.

There's one of a walrus. [Chuckling]

He's-

Uh- Uh-

[Sighs]

[Gasps, Hisses]

[Panting]

No.

- [Bees Buzzing] - [Exhales]

Excuse me, sir. Can I talk to you in the kitchen?

[Clears Throat]

Mr. Cootes, I am not going back to work tonight.

Oh, no, she didn't just say that!

- [Laughing] - Mickey, can we just have a minute?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Marshall, look, I know when you started with this firm...

it was all fun and games.

The office chair races were particularly spirited...

until, of course, Gail went down the stairs.

But for one brief moment, boy, did she fly.

[Sighs] I'm not here. I'm not here.

Mr. Cootes, you are working yourself to death.

Just- Cut loose a little. Have a beer. Find a hobby.

Look, son, it's very simple.

Um, Mother Earth doesn't get a night off. Neither do you.

Well, then I quit.

And I don't know if I can handle a life...

that's just one crisis after another.

Lily, listen to me. I'm gonna give you a little piece of-

Gouda!

Maybe he's right. Maybe I do need a hobby.

Well, hey, how about beekeeping?

Me? No. I don't know the first thing about bees.

Do you wanna know a secret? Neither do l.

It's not a secret.

- Let me try this thing on. - Let me give you some privacy.

Oh, thank you. Okay.

Hey, buddy. Best housewarming party ever.

Everybody's abuzz.

- [Bees Buzzing] - [Alarm Beeping]

Maybe it's not a total disaster.

Great party.

[Gasps, Screaming]

# I'm burning, I'm burning I'm burning for you #

[Screaming Continues]

Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Mr. Cootes!

Mr. Cootes, are you okay?

That was amazing!

Did you see me?

I flew through the air like a human fireball and didn't get a scratch!

Eat your heart out, Gail! [Laughs]

God, I feel so alive!

I want to drink a beer.

Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. One beer coming right up.

Oh, and, uh, Marshall?

I- I think we'll take the night off tonight, okay?

Sounds good. Yeah.

But I'll see you Monday?

- Of course. - [Sighs]

You know, Robin, I've been thinking about it.

I guess it's kinda nice you're such a bad ass.

It's pretty bad ass you're so nice, Ted.

Was I supposed to close the basement door?

[Bees Buzzing]

God, this feels so right!

- We're so great together. - Well-

I wanna spend every minute of every day with you.

I never wanna let you out of my sight for one second.

Not one second! Not one second! I don't! Ah!

God! My last lover was not like this. He was the worst.

Do you know, he didn't even come to my cat's bris?

I mean, what? Well, we showed him. Yes, we did.

Let's just say, the punishment fit the crime.

I can't wait to tell everybody that we're boyfriend and girlfriend!

- [Bees Buzzing] - Let's do it tonight!

No, it's Lily and Marshall's party. We'll wait.

We can do it at Mittens and Mr. Pepper's wedding!

- Right? Or maybe something- - [Buzzing]

[Barney Screaming]