Original subtitles

- Hey, ray.

- Shut the door! Shut it! - What? Why?

- Shut the door and don't step-- don't walk anywhere!

- You're freaking me out, man. What's going on?

- I lost the hamster, ally's hamster.

- Oh, no. He got out?

- Yes, he got out. What the hell?

Come on.

Look, debra and the kids

Are going to be home in an hour.

You got to help me look for him.

- They leave you alone for one weekend,

And the only other living thing in the house

Needs to run away.

- Yeah. Shut up, all right?

Just help me look. Pumpernickel!

- Pumpernickel! Pumpernickel!

Pumpernickel! - Here, boy.

Here, pumpernickel!

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You don't call him like that. He's a hamster.

He doesn't know his name.

- We should make hamster noises.

[lips squeaking]

- [lips squeaking]

[silence]

You could use a mint.

- [gasps] you drew that yourself?

- They're coming!

[beethoven's "ode to joy"]

[music stops]

[heart beating]

["ode to joy" resumes]

- Ma, what are you doing?

You're supposed to help me.

- Would you look at these crumbs?

The way debra keeps this kitchen,

It's a miracle this place isn't infested with hamsters.

- He's not in the basement.

- Dad, just so you know--

We want the hamster brought back alive.

- That's up to him.

- All right, I checked out the entire top floor--

No sign of pumpernickel.

By the way,

You shouldn't hide valuables in your top drawer,

And you could use some new underwear, raymond.

- I'll put it on the list, dear.

- All right, look, they're going to be back in an hour.

I'm just going to go to the pet store

And get a new hamster-- that's all.

- Whoa, whoa, you can't do that.

- Why not? Why not? They all look alike.

She'll never know the difference.

- You would lie to your daughter like that?

- I'm not going to lie.

I'm just going to say, "here's your hamster, honey."

- I'm telling ally.

- Will you just mind your business?

- Look, you're not going to find one that looks the same.

- Oh, yeah, where am I going to find a brown hamster?

- I cannot be a party to that lie.

- You just keep your mouth shut, copper.

- Don't tell me to shut up.

- Yeah, how about I make you, huh?

- Huh? How about I'm right over here?

[overlapping shouting]

- Stop it!

Be nice boys.

All right, now we all need a break.

Let's have a snack,

And maybe if pumpernickel hears us enjoying our food,

He'll join us.

- He can have some of yours. He's not getting any of mine.

- Dad. - What?

- I'm trying to move it. Could you get up?

- Give me a ride.

- Aah!

- What is it, ma? What?

- Oh, boy. There he is.

- Where?

- Right there.

- What? All I see is fudge pops.

- Look at the hairy one on the left.

- What?

Holy crap.

- What did you do?

- What did I do?

What, you think I put him in there?

I don't know how he got in there.

- Oh, he climbed into an airtight freezer by himself?

- I don't know how this could've happened.

I-I cleaned out the hamster cage,

And I must not have snapped

The cage back together tight enough.

And wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Then I went grocery shopping.

- Did you have the groceries on the table?

- He must have climbed into the bag

That had the fudge pops.

Look--look at his whiskers. They're all fudge-y.

- His last meal.

- Poor pumpernickel.

- Ally is going to hate me.

- Hey, give me one of those.

- Will you get out of here?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. He may not be dead.

- What, are you kidding?

You could crack a walnut with that thing.

- No, I'm serious.

He may be cryogenically preserved

In a state of suspended animation.

- He's dead! All right? I have to buy another one now.

- Okay, look, not necessarily, ray.

We may be able to resuscitate him.

- Hey, let's toss him in the microwave.

- All right, all right, that's it.

I'm taking over this operation.

Ma, get me some towels. Dad, I need some ice.

Raymond, a cooler.

We're evacuating pumpernickel to the vet.

Let's go. Move, move, move, move, move.

- Robert, the vet is not going to revive a hamster, okay?

These are disposable pets.

- What about your daughter's feelings, ray, huh?

Are those disposable?

- All right. - No, it's not all right!

I happen to care about a little girl

Whose heart is going to break if she finds out

That her daddy didn't do everything he could

To save the life of her precious hamster.

Now, damn it, raymond, get me that cooler!

- Hey, ray, you forgot to fill the ice trays.

- Well, then we'll just pack him with fudge pops.

- What about this box of fish sticks?

- Oh, throw them in too.

When debra comes home,

I'll show her how to cook a real fish.

Debra.

Frank, get up.

- Huh? - Come on.

This place is a mess. You haven't done a thing.

- Hey, leave me alone. I'm taking a break.

What have you been doing?

- I not only straightened out the kitchen,

I scrubbed the countertops

And I cleaned out the freezer.

- And you celebrate with a bottle of hooch?

- Hey, we're home.

- Hi, grandma. Hi, grandpa.

- Hey, sweetheart.

- Frank?

- Hi, sweetheart. Oh, this isn't mine.

This is mommy's.

- Marie, where's ray?

- Oh, raymond had to rush out,

But he should be back soon.

- Why does my living room look like a frat house?

- I, uh, didn't notice any difference, really.

- Hi, daddy.

- Oh, hey. Hey, everybody, you're home.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. How was your visit?

Oh, boy, I missed you.

How's your father? How's his thing?

He's got a knee-- what did he have, a knee?

Oh, he got a new car-- he got a new car.

- Ray. Ray.

W-what happened here?

- Oh, nothing. Uh-uh. Why?

- What's that?

- Oh.

Oh, we, uh-- we gave pumpernickel a ride

In robert's police car.

Yeah, yeah. He liked it too.

Rode the whole way with his, uh, head out the window.

- This isn't pumpernickel.

Daddy, where's pumpernickel?

- Um...

Um...

- Pumpernickel sleeps with the fish sticks.

You know, ally, it's my understanding

That freezing is a virtually painless way to go.

- Unlike marriage where the pain is--

- Frank.

- Can I see pumpernickel?

- No, no, ally.

- Yeah, sure, honey, you can go see him.

- What?

- It's important for closure.

- Closure.

Reading books again?

- Why is he covered in chocolate?

- Some of the fudge pops must have melted.

- Fudge pops? - Give me, give me!

- No, no, no! Get out of there!

- No, guys. Stop that. - Don't touch those.

No, that's not fudge in there.

- There's cookies in the kitchen.

Go on, honey. Go, go, go. - Go get a cookie.

- Come here, sweetheart.

You know, the important thing to know, ally,

Is that pumpernickel is in heaven.

- Not really.

- Frank.

- Not real heaven, not people heaven.

- There's only one heaven.

- For your information,

There's a whole separate heaven for animals.

- Just where did you learn that?

- It's in the bible.

- Like you read the bible.

- I've read plenty of damn bibles.

- Do all animals go to heaven or just pets?

- All animals go to people heaven

With us, dear.

- People heaven is for people.

Your grandma's been hitting the sauce.

- All right, thank you.

Thanks for clearing that up.

- Do some animals go to hell?

- We don't use those words, ally.

- Bad animals go to hell, kid.

Believe you me, I know.

When I was your age,

There was this mean old german shepherd named ilsa.

I was walking to school one day,

And I must have crossed too close to her territory.

In those days,

The germans were very sensitive about their territory.

Well, that's all it took for fraulein ilsa,

The nazi she-wolf, to jump out

And take a hunk out of my all-american hide.

I still have the scar.

You want to see it? I'll show you.

- Frank! - No!

What are you doing? Sit down.

- Oh, all right.

The point is,

Fraulein ilsa is probably in hell right now

Dragging her nazi butt across the devil's carpet.

- Thank you for that heartwarming story.

Look, ally,

I'm very sorry that this happened,

But...

Now it's time to meet your brand-new hamster.

- No, thanks.

- Oh, come on. Look, look.

He looks just like the old pumpernickel,

And the guy at the store

Told me that in a couple years he might...

Fly.

- Ray.

Ray, don't tell her that.

- All right, all right, so he won't.

H-he's not going to fly,

But he did say that-- that he's magical.

- Ray.

- His personality!

- No, dad.

- Oh, come on, ally, just take a look.

He's a cute little replacement.

- I don't want a replacement, daddy!

[door closes]

- I think that's exactly what she needs--

A replacement daddy.

- Could you go home, please?

And take these two theologians with you.

- Look-it...

You don't understand, sweetie.

When a child's pet dies,

She has to go through a grieving process

Before she can take on a new pet.

- All right, you can read. We get it.

Isn't it a little morbid to make such a big deal out of this?

- No, it's not morbid. It's reality.

- Oh, come on. It's a hamster.

Just--just leave it alone, and she'll get over it.

- You know what I think would be healthy for all the kids?

If we have sort of a formal good-bye ceremony

For pumpernickel.

- Good idea, deb. - Yeah.

Ray can dig a hole in the back yard.

- I'm not digging a hole. - You're digging a hole.

And I will get a shoebox.

- Okay, I'll put out the cold cuts.

- I'll get some beer.

- All right, let's put on a funeral.

- [grunting]

- Hey.

How's it going?

- I'm digging through solid rock in a rainstorm.

How do you think it's going?

- What, are you made of sugar? It's barely drizzling.

- Ow!

- Careful, honey.

- Why don't you dig this hole?

This is all your fault anyway, you know?

You should've told me about that broken piece

On the hamster cage.

- Hey, hey, if you were a little more involved,

You'd pick up on these details.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- Maybe I can make this hole a little bigger.

[grunts]

Oh, come on, dad.

Again with the metal detector? What are you doing?

- Your mother's birthday is coming up.

- Yeah, well,

There's nothing here but dirt and rocks.

- That's better than what he got me last year.

- All right, ally, why don't you--we'll put the box in,

And then I'll put the dirt on it.

- Wait.

I want everybody to say something

About pumpernickel first.

- Oh, that's good. Yeah.

And then we'll all take a handful of dirt

And toss it in.

- What are you doing?

- That's what she wants.

- It's raining, honey.

- Look, I think we should do this ally's way.

You want to get under my umbrella?

- I'm wonderful right where I am,

Thank you very much.

- Daddy, would you like to start?

- Oh, I don't know, honey.

Why don't we let grandpa start? Go ahead.

- Grandpa?

- Uh, dad, could you power down for a second?

- Huh? Oh, oh, oh, oh.

All right, all right.

Uh, pumpernickel...

Liked the hamster, love the bread.

Next!

- Grandma?

- Okay, dear.

Even though pumpernickel has gone from this earth,

I know he'll always be

Looking down at us from heaven--people heaven.

- All right, go ahead, uncle robert.

- [clears throat loudly]

Death...

The final good-bye...

The ultimate toodle-oo.

Or maybe-- maybe death is not the end.

Maybe it's a beginning.

Perhaps it's the ultimate howdy-do.

- Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

- What's the matter, ray-- too deep for you?

- Oh, god.

- Go ahead, robert.

- You know, I have come to the conclusion

That when I die,

I would like to die like pumpernickel--

Quietly, painlessly,

Chocolate fudge pop

Stuck to the corner of my mouth...

For that, my friends, must be a happy death.

[dirt thuds]

Aloha...

Which means good-bye and hello.

- All right.

- Same with shalom.

- Shut up. One meaning.

- All right, ray.

- Your turn, mommy.

- Okay, well,

I've always felt very close to pumpernickel,

Especially since I did a lot of the feeding

And cleaning

And, you know, most of the work.

So pumpernickel's passing

Is going to leave a big hole in my life.

Can't imagine what I'll do with the time.

So long, pumpernickel.

- Michael?

- Ally, why don't we do the twins as a set, okay?

'cause it's raining. - Ray, ray.

You know what? Come under my umbrella. Just--

- Hey, no talking. Hamster funeral.

- I'll miss you, pumpernickel.

- Geoffrey.

- I'll miss you too, pumpernickel.

- Now my turn.

I'll miss you too, pumpernickel.

You were my best friend, and you still are.

Don't worry, pumpernickel.

You'll always be with me, 'cause I'll never forget you.

[dirt thuds]

Your turn, daddy.

- Uh...

Um...

I didn't, uh, have much contact with...

I didn't know pumpernickel very well.

Uh, the only thing I remember

Is when we brought him back from the pet store

And ally wanted me to hold him,

So I reached out to grab him,

And he bit me on the finger, and it hurt.

So daddy said a bad word.

But ally picked up, uh...

Pumpernickel, and--and she showed me--

Showed me how to hold him...

Like this...

Right?

I never noticed until just now how grown up you are.

The way you were with your friend

And what you said just now--

You really...

You really seem grown up.

I'm proud of you.

- Damn hamster.

- Daddy...

Can we get a rabbit tomorrow?

- Yeah, guys, whatever you want.

- Cool. A rabbit!

- Yeah! Whoo!

- Yeah, cool. - Yeah.

[door closes]

- Rabbit-- that's a bigger hole.

[door opens]

- You all laughed at me, huh?

Big waste of time, huh?

[coins jingling]

Huh?

[chuckles]

I think I'll buy myself a yoo-hoo.

- There goes my birthday present.