Original subtitles

- Why, huh?

Why would you take joanne's card?

- What? I can take her card.

You never know when I'm going to need some...

Dental insurance.

- Yeah, you know, there's a reason she's your ex-wife.

- All right already. Hey, deb.

- You know, I know it's none of my business,

But I cannot believe that you took that card.

[grunts] why do I even--

Weren't you trying to make it work with amy?

I thought that you were happy with amy

And unhappy with joanne the nutcracker.

But you know what?

You and ray do what you want.

- Me?

- All right, listen up.

Your mother wants to--

I don't know.

- I said announce me, frank.

What kind of announcing is that?

- Oh, just do it.

Everything has to be a big deal.

- Do you have to ruin everything?

Is that why you're here?

- Why don't you jump a cow's--

- Aah! Hey, hey.

What?

- We're going to Italy.

- Yeah.

- Forever?

- We are all going to Italy.

- What? - For two weeks!

- What are you talking about? - How?

- You see, it is a big deal.

As you know, my birthday is coming up,

And I have secretly been putting aside money

For 45 years.

And this is what I want.

- I want half that money. - Oh.

- I want all that money.

That money's mine. - Quiet.

So I've been in touch with my mother's cousin colletta,

Who lives in a little village outside of rome.

And we're invited.

And I'm paying-- the whole family!

- Me too?

- Of course you, dear! You're family!

- Oh!

[laughter]

- Me too?

- Yes, yes, and the kids too!

Everyone.

- You know, maybe I can tell my lady troubles to the pope.

- Look at it. It's a little, tiny village--

- Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

This is unbelievable! - Yeah, listen, listen.

All right, stop dancing. Stop, stop. Listen.

Do you understand that this is a vacation with my family?

Okay? - Yeah.

- Don't we want a vacation from my family?

- If they're going to bother me anyway,

I'll take bothered in Italy. [laughs]

- But we were--we were going to go to the jersey shore.

- Italy.

Free trip to Italy.

- I don't know.

I'm not really interested in other cultures.

- [laughing] okay.

You know, in the past,

Your...Dumbness has gotten in the way

Of just, like, a few things that I've wanted to do:

The book club, theater, having conversations.

But I just want to say this one thing,

And we won't have to discuss it anymore.

You're not blowing this for me, pal!

We're going to Italy!

[laughter]

- Oh, I'm so happy.

[slow italian music]

Look at this.

I can't believe that we're here.

- Who's that?

- Oh, hi. - Nice to meet you.

- We, uh, actually had a lot to eat on the plane.

All right.

- Huh, kids? This looks good. Ooh, look at this.

All: Mmm.

- Oh, my god. This is amazing!

Ray, taste this.

- No, I can't-- I can't taste anything.

I got a cold from that damn air conditioner on the van.

It's freezing in there.

Uh.

- Jeez aloo!

I married the wrong broad.

- [loudly and slowly] you have a lovely home.

- Oh! Oh, this is wonderful.

Oh, I love this.

- Okay, here we go.

- This is it?

- What, ray?

- Nothing.

[blows nose]

Had more room in coach.

- Oh, my god, look at this. Look at this!

- What?

- [gasps]

Oh, my god.

I'm going to cry.

[crying] can you believe this?

- It's nice--the water. Yeah.

That room's kind of small though, don't you think?

I mean, we're going to be jammed in there

With the kids for two weeks.

Did you look at the place, really?

It's all kind of... Old.

It's--it's just--

This--this is not the ideal vacation

For a guy who works like a dog his whole year.

[sniffling]

It's chilly now.

I'm going in. My nose is running here.

[sniffling]

- [heavy italian accent] I speak english little.

- Oh, yeah? Hey, beautiful.

- I'm glad you're here.

It's better.

Not so much meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh.

- What?

- Meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh.

- Oh, I get it. Yeah.

[in high-pitched voice] bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah!

- Si. Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah!

- Meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh!

- Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah! - Meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh!

[laughter]

Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah.

- All right, everyone.

Now we don't have time to dawdle.

Oh. We've got to start sight-seeing

If we're going to stick to my itinerary.

Get up, frank.

Come on, everyone.

We're going to have fun, fun with grandma.

Come on, come on. Whoo! Here we go.

- She did pay for the trip.

- And now we pay.

- Who wants the best ice cream in the world?

- [blows nose]

Come on, cheap foreign napkins.

- Hey.

- Come on, what are you all mopey about?

- I don't know.

I can't enjoy myself because of my dilemma.

- It's not a dilemma.

- It is a dilemma, raymond.

You're not the only one with dilemmas.

I got amy, but I keep thinking about joanne.

I can't sort out my feelings.

And I'm in the most gorgeous place in the world,

And I'm sitting here next to you.

- Robbie, here's your peach.

Raymond, you sure you don't want anything?

- No, I-I can't taste anything, ma.

- Oh, don't be sick here.

- You know, I called joanne today.

- What? What, from here?

Oh, what's wrong with you?

- I hung up when she answered.

I couldn't talk to her. Cost me 20 bucks.

I'm a loser.

It's just that I want--

Holy mother of god.

- What?

- This. This--this is the--

It's as if I've never tasted a peach before.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

- It's as if you've never been in public before.

Would you stop it?

- Scusate.

Desiderate qualcosa da bere?

[romantic music playing]

- Buon giorno.

- Giorno.

[italian accent] you like something to drink?

- Si.

- Limonata?

- Si.

- Excuse, please.

- What? What the hell are you doing?

- What? Wh- ray, it's that thing.Ng?

It's that thing, you know, what dad

Always talks about, the thunderbolt.

- Who, the gelato girl?

- Don't call her that.

- What are you talking about? That's what she is.

All right? I don't know her long-term goals.

- Excuse, please.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh-- oh, my lord.

G-grazie.

- Okay. I'm going to go blow my nose in the tablecloth.

- So do you speak english?

- I--a little. [giggles]

- So you're in gelato?

- Yes, for now.

- Stefania! E l'ora di lavorare!

- Oh, I think your boss wants you back.

- I'd better go. - Wait.

- Stefania!

- All right, pal. Jeez.

He's got to learn how to chill out a little.

What's with this guy?

- He is my father.

- [exhaling deeply] oh.

That's nice.

He's a hard worker.

- I will see you again?

- See me again?

Oh. Oh. Yes.

- Stefania!

- Uh, ciao.

- Ciao.

- Hey, sexy. [laughs]

Mwah. - What do you want?

- Hey, listen, rome today.

Can you believe it? It's only a half an hour away.

And colletta's going to watch the kids.

- Yeah, great.

I hate this damn thing.

[sneezes]

Sprayer has no pressure.

It's like a third-world country.

Stupid place.

- Would you lighten up? Look where we are.

- I am looking.

I'm taking a bath like columbus.

How 'bout that giorgio guy?

- What?

- I saw him drinking my listerine, that's what.

This whole place is annoying.

You got to change money. That's a scam.

Nobody sees that? How can they not see that?

Tell you what, say what you want about new jersey--

- [shrieks] ray! Turn the water--turn it down!

- I don't-- - put it down!

- Aah! Hey! Are you crazy?

I'm taking a shower!

- [speaking italian]

- Oh, my god! Oh, god!

- Alza il braccio! - No!

- Alza il braccio!

- I would do what she says, ray. - No!

- Alza il braccio!

- Could everybody leave, please?

- Hey, you want me to get the video camera?

- Alza il braccio!

- No! Will you stop hitting me? All right?

You can't do this to me. I'm an american.

- Alza il braccio!

Alza il braccio!

- This wasn't in the brochure.

- Oh, look how cute.

- Okay.

- We're all getting in that?

Good luck, sweetie.

[laughter]

- I don't think I'm going to fit in there either.

- Maybe you can sit on top and push with your arms.

- Oh! - Hello.

- Hello--there.

- Where did you go?

- Uh, I was, you know, going to go to rome,

Look around, roam around.

- Uh, come with me. I can show you.

- Okay.

- Not you. Get back.

Get back!

- I show you roma

And the lago di bracciano, where I grow up. Okay?

- Yes. Very nice.

- Uh, hurry up, before my father sees.

- Robert.

I don't understand. What is this?

- This is luck. Toots, over here.

- Ciao!

- Ciao.

[horn honks]

- Look at this.

Robert gets the gelato girl,

And I get hosed down by mrs. Mussolini.

[upbeat italian music]

- Oh, look at that.

- And the colors of it-- this is beautiful.

- This is something!

- Look at the-- look at the fountain.

Oh, raymond, I can't believe we're here.

These are the spanish steps.

- Spanish?

I knew we were walking too long.

- The reason they're called that, according to my book--

- Okay, sorry I asked.

- Okay, come on. We're going up.

- Do we have to, really?

- Ray, this is the spanish steps!

- Where's the spanish elevator?

- I'll go with you. - Thank you, marie.

Only you would think of these as stairs.

- What are they, then?

- Hey, let me carry that stuff for you, cara mia.

- Thank you, frank.

- One, two, three, four.

Walk, walk, walk, walk.

Five, six, seven.

- [speaking italian]

- Excuse me?

- Sei bellissima, very beautiful.

- [laughs]

- Nice hair.

- Oh, thank you.

- All right, let's go.

- Ciao, beautiful girl. - Okay, bye-bye.

- Don't say "bye" to them.

- Why not? They were very nice.

- Very nice. You talked to them.

Now they're going to follow you home.

- Oh, would you stop it? - No, you stop.

You like that, "hey, cacha poochie."

Now, listen, you better watch yourself, okay?

They got one thing on their mind.

That's how italian men are.

- Not all of them.

- Hey. What?

What's that supposed to mean?

Hey, you got nothing better to do but ogle women?

You should start working on a stand-up shower.

Aw!

Anyway, so the kids want to sleep

With grandma and debra,

So I'm going to sleep here with you, okay?

- No problem.

Just don't hog the covers, and it'll be an upgrade for me.

You getting undressed or what?

- I'll make a deal with you.

I'll take something off; you put something on.

- Good night, there, son.

- Yeah.

- [grunts] all right.

- Good night.

- It's a beautiful place, huh?

- Oh. Yeah. Yeah, good night.

- I'll tell you, when your mother told me

She'd been hiding that money from me,

I was thinking what dress to lay her out in.

But now I'm here...

In friggin' Italy.

It's like a dream.

I'm from lynbrook. I worked my whole life.

I never thought I'd be in such a place.

- I was just wondering,

Could your leg be in another place?

- I happen to be serious.

- All right, okay.

- No, I know I-I complain about stuff and all that,

But... I'm a lucky man.

[sniffling]

[crying] I'm a very lucky man.

- I'm not holding him.

- Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Thanks for all the gelato, stefania.

All the gelato you want--

You have a great life.

- I'm glad you like.

- I like everything.

[door opens]

I fully intend to pay for this.