Original subtitles

[ slow middle eastern music plays ]

[ indistinct conversations, laughter ]

Where is my bride?

[ wind whistling, chimes tinkling ]

My wedding dress. Quickly, put it on.

Soon you'll live your life in jewels and not chains.

[ woman chanting ]

Come, child.

Your groom awaits you.

[ rock music plays ]

All: Honeybees, all right, all right!

Honeybees, all right!

Whoo! Honeybees, all right, all right!

Honeybees, all right! Whoo!

Go... Go... Go... Go...

Honeybees! Honeybees! Honeybees! Honeybees!

[ all cheering ]

You ready, hildenburg?

Yes.

Great.

I have one question.

Why am I dressed like one of the fenmore foxes?

Aren't they our hated crosstown rivals?

Yes...But...

This year's theme is unity... For all cheerleaders.

Oh.

Have fun.

[ jeering and catcalling ]

Cheerleaders: Wipe out the foxes!

Ugh!

[ crowd cheering ]

Both: Boys are cheats and liars.

They're such a big disgrace.

They will tell you anything to get to second...

Baseball, baseball, he thinks he's gonna score.

If you let him go all the way, then you are a...

Hor...Ticulture studies flowers --

[ laughter ]

Oh, no, she didn't.

Oh, yes, she did.

Girlfriend's booty be all wrapped up in licious.

All wrapped up.

You're pretty dope and phat yourselves.

Ling-ling! You forgot lunch, baby pie!

Chicken with fried vegetable,

Bulgogi, and kimchi.

Thanks, mom.

Okay. You all learn real good now.

Ling-ling? Ling-ling?

Can somebody answer the phone?

Oh, dang, that's messed up.

[ laughs ] [ laughs ]

Out of all the korean liquor stores,

Why did my dad have to walk into that one?

I'm returning your papers on the salem witch trials.

I'm sad to report that eden, here, got the only "a."

Well, that's not fair.

I mean, she was the only one who was actually there.

[ laughter ]

[ giggles ]

[ speaks angrily in foreign language ]

[ giggles ]

Vice-principal bernard.

Oh, miss spencer, wonderful job this morning.

You certainly know how to whip up a crowd.

As pretty as you are, I bet you really whipped them up

Back when you were cheerleading captain, hmm?

Me? Oh, no, no, no.

I was much more of a band chick, actually -- tuba --

Lead tuba -- honor band.

[ laughs ] well, then you wouldn't mind writing us some passes

So we could, uh, practice some new moves?

Oh, jessica, I-I-I don't know about that.

You know, that trophy is gonna look so good

In your office.

Oh...

All right.

[ chuckles ]

♪ that's what girls do ♪

♪ they keep you guessing the whole day through ♪ [ all cheering ]

♪ play your emotions, push all your buttons ♪

♪ it's true ♪

♪ that's what girls do ♪

♪ that's what we do ♪

[ giggling ]

Whoo!

♪ you ask me why I gotta play so hard to get ♪

Ohh! Ugh! Oh!

♪ you ask me do I play it cool just to make you sweat ♪

Mmm! That's really good.

Um... How much do I owe you?

It's okay. It's on the house.

[ smacks lips ]

Really?!

Thanks.

♪ ...Through to you-u-u-u-u ♪

♪ that's what girls do ♪ [ girls giggling ]

♪ they keep you guessing... ♪

Who's gonna pay for that, asshole?

You are not gonna make it in this business.

[ gasps ] you total binger!

April, this is gonna go straight to your ass.

"itchbay" alert.

Bianca.

[ sighs ]

Jessica, you look great!

Are you doing something different

Or just hanging out with skankier friends?

[ laughter ]

[ exhales sharply ]

Wow, bianca, you look really good, too.

Um...Are you eating less or just barfing more?

[ laughter ]

Barfing more.

Good luck at the cheer competition.

Yeah.

You too.

[ chuckles softly ]

Hmm...

[ alarm ringing ]

[ all laughing ]

Bye-bye.

Agh!

Oh! Oh, my god! Oh! Oh!

Let's go, winona.

[ indistinct conversation, giggling ]

April: Jess, what are you doing?

Hang on a sec.

[ up-tempo music plays ]

Whoa.

This is kind of cool.

[ foreign accent ] can I help you ladies?

Oh, yeah. What is this?

Oh, yeah, I like that, too.

It's actually a senegalese lute

Carved from deerwood,

Used for fertility rituals and...

Sure. Yeah. Cool.

Oh, and you can put your weed in there.

[ chuckles ]

Oh.

Check this out.

Oh, yeah. That's beautiful.

It's actually a model of the prison on robben island

Where nelson mandela was held 27 years.

Oh. Oh. And before the collapse of apartheid, of course.

Yeah, he came out pretty hate-free, though,

You know, ready to heal --

Went on to become the president of south africa

After that -- after they freed him, of course, sure.

Wow. Yeah.

A lot of people don't realize this,

But you can put your weed in there.

Oh. [ chuckles ] [ chuckles ]

This is great. Sure.

Well, if you have any more questions,

I'll be in the back sleeping, so...

Great.

Okay. Thanks.

Oh, actually, this is the back. Sorry.

Oh. Oh.

This stuff makes me feel so proud to be african-american.

Ling-ling!

You walk right by crazy nail,

No say "hi" me.

Hi, mom.

Bye, girls!

Fake pearls!

[ girls giggling ]

[ up-tempo drum music plays ]

[ music swells ]

[ wind whistling, chimes tinkling ]

[ foreign accent ] stop banging those drums!

I'm sorry.

I didn't even know you could hear that.

Oh, my god. Look at those earrings.

I'd be the envy of every girl at prom.

[ gasps ]

Not like that was in jeopardy or anything.

[ girls laugh ]

Um, excuse me. How much are these?

Not for sale. That's a genuine artifact.

Oh.

No!

No!

Okay, I'm all set.

Is that all you got -- $18?!

It's a gas station.

Everybody pays with credit cards nowadays.

Help yourself to some nachos.

[ all giggling ]

[ bell dings ]

Hey, that's for doug flutie's kids!

Aah! [ bell dings ]

[ tires squeal, bell dings ]

Aah! Aah! Oh!

[ laughter ]

[ bell dings ]

[ tires squeal, bell dings ]

[ bell dings ]

[ tires squeal, bell dings ]

[ tires squeal ] I'm in here!

[ bell dings ] help!

Whoo!

[ tires squeal, bell dings ]

[ horn honks ]

Agh!

Agh!

[ girls giggling ]

You look really good. [ laughs ]

Really good.

Um, excuse me...

[ gasping ]

The gas cap's on that side.

Mm-hmm. Oh, I'm sorry.

[ girls laugh ]

Uh, hello...

Full service.

And, um, could you, like, check the oil

And all that other junk under the hood?

Like his job is that hard.

[ all laugh ]

Minimum wage for a maximum loser.

Oh, good one.

Hey...Check this out.

[ horn honks ]

Ow!

[ all laughing ]

[ grunting ]

Sorry. Accident.

You're so bad!

[ laughter ] I'm okay.

It's okay. I'm okay.

Hey, how much you bet I can get him again?

[ horn honks ]

[ grunts ] [ all laughing ]

Oh. Uhh.

[ sizzling ] ow! Oh!

[ all giggling ]

Oops.

[ bell dings, horn honks ] whoo!

♪ it's the summer, the summer ♪

♪ yo, my cats are trippin', it's the summer ♪

♪ I'll get my swerve on, fight evil villains gone ♪

♪ so come on now ♪

♪ I've been locked in a room not waiting for long ♪

♪ and to tell you the truth ♪

♪ I don't even want to sing this song ♪

♪ the sun is up, that's what my crew is all about... ♪

I'm so pretty.

Booger.

[ giggling ]

Booger! [ sighs ]

I told you not to go through my stuff.

What are you doing wearing my bra?!

I'm not wearing your bra.

I was simply holding it against myself.

Get out of my room, you little turd!

Wait a minute.

What happened to you?

Nothing.

[ gasps ]

Did that cavanaugh kid do this to you?

[ sighs ]

All right. Come here.

He is such a punk.

You know, one of these days,

He's gonna get it.

There you go.

Better.

Is that my lipstick?!

[ smooches ]

[ scoffs ]

Ohhhhh!

[ horn honks ]

[ introduction to butch walker's "take tomorrow" plays ]

♪ give me all your fear ♪

♪ throw it all away ♪

♪ and think about the good things ♪

♪ no matter what they say ♪

♪ we'll take tomorrow, baby ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

Hey.

Hi.

[ sighs softly ]

[ sighs ]

Oh, jess, when you do that...

My whole leg tingles and shakes.

Really?

Well, what happens if I kiss you...

There?

[ grunts ]

[ laughs ]

You have to come snowboarding with me this weekend.

Oh, silly billy nilly,

I told you I'm not having sex with you.

No.

We could sip hot chocolate

And play scrabble with my little brother.

[ laughs ]

You call it whatever you want.

I'm still not having sex with you.

[ sighs ]

Billy...

Look...

You know how important this is to me.

And when that special moment happens,

I just...I want it to be perfect.

I would never dream of rushing you.

[ gasps ]

Thank you, billy.

Oh...

If you change your mind, we could drive up together.

I'll wait behind for you.

[ laughs ] front...Behind...

I'm still not doing it.

Good night, billy.

[ sighs ]

[ b.T. Express' "do it ('til you're satisfied)" plays ]

[ laughs ]

[ laughs ]

Oh, your life is like a fairytale.

You and billy are, like, totally disney.

You know, it's scary sometimes.

I just... I don't know what I'd do

If things weren't so...Perfect.

I'm so glad you're my best friend.

♪ oooh ♪ [ chuckles ]

♪ go on and do it ♪

♪ do it ♪ [ laughing ]

♪ do it 'til you're satisfied ♪

♪ whatever it is ♪

I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay. Good night.

Bye.

[ beep ]

[ sighs ]

[ wind whistling, chimes tinkling ]

[ suspenseful music plays ]

[ exhaling deeply ]

[ sighs ]

[ urinating ]

Aaaaaaah!

[ gasping, whimpering ]

Aaaaaaaah!

Aah!

[ thud ]

[ gasps ]

Aah! Aah!

Aah! [ knock on door ]

Jessica, honey, is everything all right?

[ high-pitched ] yes, mother.

It's just a spider.

A really big, disgusting spider.

[ whimpering ]

[ dial tone ]

[ dialing ]

Hi. It's April. Leave me a message.

This isn't happening. This isn't happening!

[ panting, muttering ]

Oh, it's sick!

Sick!

Oh! Oh!

[ panting ]

Oh!

Ow! Oh!

Ow! Ow! Ooh!

[ dog barks ]

[ gasps ]

Hey, dad! Can I have this cake for breakfast?

[ deep voice ] uh, yeah. Whatever. Go for it.

Booger, what the hell are you doing

Eating my boss's cake?

I-I thought you just said I could eat it.

[ snorts ] [ car alarm beeping ]

[ beeping stops ]

[ b.T. Express' "do it ('til you're satisfied)" plays ]

Ooh-ah.

God...

Where's my...?!

[ bell rings ]

[ cellular phone ringing ]

Hello?

[ deep voice ] April, it's me -- jessica.

I need you to meet me right after class out by the track.

Is this really jessica?

Yes!

Oh, my god, are you getting a cold?

The competition's only a week away.

We may have bigger problems.

Jessica: [ high-pitched ] April...

April...

[ deep, gruff voice ] April!

Agh!

Ah!

Whoa! [ gasps ]

Ugh!

You stay away from me!

I have pepper spray on my key chain!

[ high-pitched ] April, I need you so bad right now.

You have no idea.

How do you know my name?

It's me...

Jessica!

[ crying ] I'm in here.

[ whining ]

What did you do with her?

I don't know what happened.

[ breathing heavily ] I woke up this morning...

Like this.

Aah!

[ gasping ]

And what did I tell you about these things?! Aah! Aah!

They go straight to your ass!

People are gonna be looking for me!

You gotta believe me! I'm warning you!

Please, I'm jessica! Aah!

Aah! Aaah! Aaaaaaah!

Agh! Agh! Ohh!

Aaah! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ugh! Ohh!

[ breathing heavily ]

[ groaning ]

Aah! Ohh!

Ugh! Oh! Aah!

Aah! Agh! Oh! Ugh!

Agh! Ohh!

[ crying ] oh, my god!

I think I broke a rib!

My eyes burn!

I can't breathe!

This morning, I woke up a man!

This is by far the worst day of my life!

[ panting ]

April!

Do you remember in second grade

[ sniffles ] when you moved here from arkansas?

Everybody threw rocks at you...

Because you talked funny

And your front two teeth were brown!

[ gasps ]

I was your only friend.

I gave you that locket around your neck

When your grandmother was sick.

And you said...

You said...

We'd be bestest friends forever.

[ coughs, sniffles ]

[ gasps ]

Boys are cheats and liars.

They're such a big disgrace.

Together: They will tell you anything to get to second...

Baseball, baseball, he thinks he's gonna score.

If you let him go all the way, then you are a...

Hor...Ticulture studies flowers.

Geologist studies rocks.

The only thing a guy wants from you

Is place to put his...

Cock...Roaches, beetles,

Butterflies, and bugs.

Nothing makes him happier than a giant pair of...

Jug...Glers and acrobats, a dancing bear named chuck.

All guys really want to do is -- forget it, no such luck.

[ gasps ]

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

[ gasps ]

How did this happen?

[ whines ]

I don't know what to do.

Okay, okay.

[ bell rings ]

[ sighs ]

Here.

Go to my house and wait for me in my room.

Don't worry. We're gonna figure this thing out.

Here.

[ groans softly ]

You are my bestest, bestest friend.

[ sniffles ]

Ow! Ow!

Ow.

Watch the beard.

Sorry.

[ roxy saint's "firecracker" plays ]

Oh!

♪ so, come on, baby, listen ♪

♪ with 20/20 vision ♪

♪ I knock out competition ♪

Hi.

[ coughs ]

Okay, so, listen, she bought it.

I told your mom that you're going on that ski trip with billy's family,

And that'll at least buy us the weekend.

You think I'll be stuck like this all weekend?!

[ cries ]

[ buzzes ]

Ow!

Aah!

[ grunting ]

Oh!

Gross.

[ buzzing ]

Agh!

I've got hair everywhere --

In my nose, in my ears, on my chin.

I'm afraid to look anywhere else.

[ shudders ]

It's like I'm an ad for hair.

Okay, well, listen, maybe this will help.

Okay.

Ahh...

Yeah.

Okay. Against the grain.

Okay, ready? Mm-hmm.

Hold still.

[ rip ] aaah!

Grrrah! Agh!

Ow.

Uh...

Ow.

So...

[ grunts ]

So, uh...

What?

Do you really have a penis?

April!

Can I see it?

What is the matter with you?!

I don't think you get the gravity of the situation here.

You're right. You're right. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Can I see it?

W-- what is your problem?

What?

It's not every day that your best friend grows a penis.

Do you want to see it?

Okay, fine --

If it'll shut you up.

[ laughs ]

[ mutters ]

Nice.

Nice.

I mean, you know...

I've only seen a couple, but that's definitely top 5.

How many have you seen?

Five.

Not including my little brother's.

[ laughs ]

You little tramp!

Aah!

[ laughing ] aah! Aah!

Aah!

Aaah!

Aah! Aah!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, motherfuck! Oh!

Stan...

I am beginning to worry about April.

She has been acting rather strange.

Is it drugs? No, no.

I...I think it's her hormonal development.

She just ate six peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches

And an entire carton of ice cream.

And what do you make of this, hmm?

It's April's soap.

Well?

What do you think?

I think you need more things to fill out your day.

Okay?

Are we done?

[ laughs ]

[ cellular phone rings ]

[ beep ]

Hello?

[ jessica crying in deep voice ]

All right, who is this?

I should have made love to you when I had the chance.

Ohhh...

Father mulcahy?

[ beep ]

[ children shouting playfully ]

[ gasps ]

[ high-pitched ] tell me I'm beautiful.

On the inside.

Look, uh...

Jessica has a problem.

She's only gonna make us wait an hour this time?

What about the class trip to six flags?

She took so long in the bathroom, we all missed the bus.

Our parents had to drive three hours to pick us up.

I had my period, okay?!

[ gasps ] [ gasps ] [ gasps ]

[ laughing ] [ laughing ] [ laughing ]

Okay, now that everybody's up to speed,

Can we start thinking about how I can get my life back?

Um, that's definitely gonna cost you a few votes for prom queen.

Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Okay.

Come on, you guys, let's get serious. Stop dicking around.

[ laughter ]

Guys!

I've got cheerleading competition, the prom.

None of my clothes fit. I think I'm going bald.

And how am I gonna go to school?

She's right.

Okay...

Let's think.

What could have caused this?

[ gasps ] maybe it wasn't an accident.

It's gotta be one of the people who hates jessica that did this.

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

People don't hate me.

[ exhales deeply ]

You see, jess...

Because you are so beautiful and perfect...

Uh-huh?

...Certain people might misconstrue

Some of the mean and hurtful things you say and do to them.

Although the things you say are funny...

[ laughs ]

...People tend to focus more

On their own public humiliation and shame.

So you're saying...

People think...

I'm perfect?

Let's make a list of all the people who hate jessica.

You know what would be a shorter list?

All the people who don't hate jessica.

[ laughter ]

You bitch!

[ all screaming and laughing ]

[ screaming and laughter continue in distance ]

Easy on the coffee.

[ all laughing ]

Ha ha ha ha!

Ho ho ho!

Ugh! Ohh!

[ chuckles ]

Ugh!

[ gasps ]

Ugh! Aah!

Ha ha ha!

Aah!

Ha ha ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[ gasps ]

Ugh! Agh!

[ laughing ]

[ gulps ]

Huh?

Oh, hi.

Good morning.

[ groans ]

Did you sleep well?

Mmm. Surprisingly, yes.

You have any...

Special dreams?

Not particularly.

Hmm.

You sure?

Why?

Oh, my god, my first boner!

[ giggles ]

[ brakes squeal ]

Richie: There you are! Ah!

You're the gardener from the service, right?

[ mexican accent ] sí.

Damn lawn's a mess.

It's my daughter's responsibility to look after it,

But you know teenage girls.

Sí, sí.

"teenageros."

Sorry. Richie spencer.

Ah, um...

Taquito.

Oh, taquito.

There's the mower.

There's your bag of fertilizer.

Oh, ho! [ gasping ] I'll let you get to it.

[ salsa music plays ]

Damn, I love the smell of fresh-cut grass.

[ air hisses ]

Gracias, but...I'm not sure I'm old enough, señor.

[ laughing ] yeah, right.

What is the drinking age in mexico -- 40?

Come on, take a load off. You can finish in a minute.

[ sighs ]

Hope you don't mind the light beer.

I had to cut back on account of the bloating.

Know what I mean?

I also had to give up the spicy food on account of my asshole.

[ farts ]

Ah!

We're amongst men, aren't we?

[ breathes deeply ]

"stinko de mayo."

You like that car?

That's my daughter's.

Pretty nice, huh?

It would have looked even better in red.

That's what my daughter said.

We used to go out back on sundays and toss a few baskets,

Shoot the shit.

But she's got her own stuff going on now.

Who could blame her? Whole family's falling apart.

What?

Things with the wife -- forget about it.

I mean, we sleep in the same bed.

Might as well be separate countries.

That is, like, so sad.

Ay-yi-yi!

Ay-yi...Yi.

I tried everything. Nothing worked.

I even got out the razor and gave myself a porn-star trim.

Wanna see? Check it out.

Aah!

Boy, she used to be wild.

The sex was great.

We'd be going at it, and she could still find a way

To twist around and kiss me on the mouth.

Señor, information too mucho.

Emotional "scarro" -- disgusting.

It's good talking to you, taquito.

Oh!

[ introduction to jimmy eat world's "authority song" plays ]

♪ it's how the hustle goes ♪

♪ see what the jukebox knows ♪

♪ put my last quarter on ♪

♪ I play "authority song" ♪

♪ honesty or mystery? ♪

♪ tell me, I'm not scared anymore ♪

♪ aha, aha ♪

♪ I got no secret purpose ♪

♪ I don't seem obvious, do I? ♪

Hey, jessica! Jessica!

Come here!

[ panting ]

We've got a suspect.

Oh, yes!

Come on.

Something smells like dog pooh.

I think I'm sitting next to it.

Ew! [ laughter ]

April: Come on, hildenburg, don't play dumb.

You hate jessica, you're good at this science crap.

Now, just confess and give us the antidote.

April, it's physically impossible

For a woman to transform into a man overnight.

So you're saying that you had nothing to do with this.

Look...

Let's just pretend this was an alternate universe

Where I actually believed you.

Why would I want to help jessica out, anyway?

[ scoffs, sniffs ]

Jessica!

[ sighs ]

Hildenburg... [ sighs ]

I'm sorry that I humiliated you

In front of the entire school...

And the visiting 8th-graders.

[ voice breaking ] but you have no idea what it's like

To wake up every morning and have to shave your chin.

[ sniffles ]

[ snorting ]

[ exhales sharply ]

[ voice breaking ] yes, I do.

[ sobs ]

[ sighs deeply ]

Who's next on the list?

[ laughs ] whoa.

Well, it is cold in here.

[ laughs ]

So you never put a hex on me?

Oh, I put plenty of hexes on you --

To give you dandruff, make your hair fall out,

Make one of your boobs bigger than the other.

[ laughing ] oh, I think you got me with that one.

Heh hee hee! Ah hee hee!

[ light laughter ]

There's some powerful cult magic at work here...

Like an ancient spell...

Or voodoo...

Or santeria.

What's santeria?

It's a latin-based form of witchcraft.

It originated in africa

And then eventually made its way to cuba and brazil.

Bianca!

I knew it.

Most of its rituals involve a chicken.

That sounds delicious.

I mean, interesting.

Eden: There's a way to tell.

A true practitioner of santeria

Bears the mark of the scorpion tattooed on their back.

Bianca's always hanging out

At that dance club -- instant tang.

Yeah, tonight's ladies' night, and we all get in for free!

[ all cheering ]

[ cheering stops ]

Well, most of us.

Trust me --

You'll never get bianca to dance with you looking like this.

♪ oh, yeah, you're pretty good-looking for a girl ♪

[ girls gasping ] ♪ but your back is so broken ♪

♪ and this feeling's still gonna linger on ♪

No... No...

[ girls gasping ] ♪ until the year 2525 now ♪

No. Mnh-mnh. ♪ yeah, you're pretty good-looking for a girl ♪

[ gasps ] ♪ your eyes are wide open ♪

Ugh! What is that?

♪ and your thoughts have been stolen by the boys ♪

No... No... No...

♪ who took you out and bought you everything you want, now ♪

♪ yeah, you're pretty good-looking, oh, yeah ♪

[ girls screaming ]

♪ you're pretty good-looking, oh, yeah ♪

♪ for a girl ♪

What?

Nothing. [ giggles ]

You just look good.

[ chuckles ]

Really?

Yeah.

[ both giggle ]

Okay. Thanks.

[ laughs ]

No, she's not gonna... No, he -- she's not gonna do it.

Yes, she is.

Mmm...

Mmm, mmm...

[ smacks lips ]

Mmm...

[ slurping ]

Wow!

That is so good.

T-that's $8.95.

What?

Aren't you just gonna take it out of your tip jar?

Aah!

[ choking ] $8.95? Yeah.

I got that.

[ rock music plays, indistinct conversations ]

♪ when I rock like this ♪

♪ rock like this, rock like this ♪

♪ when I rock like this ♪

♪ when I rock like this, it's rhythm ♪

♪ when I rock like this ♪

♪ rock like this, rock like this ♪

♪ when I rock like this ♪

♪ when I rock like this, it's rhythm ♪

I'll take two banana daiquiris,

One mango, a sloe-gin fizz,

One slippery nipple,

And for me,

A screaming orgasm on the beach with extra sugar on the rim.

Yum!

[ deep voice ] uh...Better make that last one a brewski.

♪ when I rock like this ♪

♪ rock like this ♪

Double brewski.

[ lyric's "young & sexy" plays ]

♪ young, sexy ♪

[ high-pitched ] they didn't even card me.

It's just like cabo.

[ laughter ]

♪ you know I'll change for you ♪

♪ with your black durag ♪

How does a butt plug like that get all those hot chicks?

I got dibs on the dots.

♪ ...Got plans for you ♪

God damn!

Ooh, he's cute.

Check out the sweet buns on that guy.

I'd like to get my hands on those and...

[ deep voice ] wish they were women's breasts

And...Squeeze the hell out of 'em.

Maybe put a steak on 'em...

'cause I'm a guy.

That's what guys like me like to do.

But I don't need to tell you that.

[ inhales sharply ]

Bianca.

♪ yeah ♪

♪ ohh ♪

I'll show her.

This is my song.

♪ ohh ♪

Remember, the scorpion on her back.

I'll find it.

♪ 24 a day, 7 days a week ♪

♪ now, when you're driving in your 4x4 ♪

♪ and you turn this up on your stereo ♪

♪ whether night or day, nonstop, you'll play ♪

♪ and you know you still want more ♪

♪ so find a honey that's standing on the wall ♪

♪ all the girls get the guys on the floor ♪

Ah!

♪ from the front to the back, let's go ♪

♪ hear this ♪

Ew!

♪ somebody hit the lights ♪

♪ so we can rock it day and night ♪

April: The tattoo!

I don't see it!

♪ from a.M. To p.M. ♪

♪ everybody lookin' like stars ♪

♪ all the chicks and the fellas in the bars ♪

♪ all of y'all bumpin' this in your cars ♪

Right hand, red.

Ooh...Left hand, blue.

Ooh!

Huh! Ha!

Aaaaaah!

♪ yeah ♪

[ cheers and applause ]

[ introduction to mystikal's "shake it fast" plays ]

[ all cheering ]

♪ shake it fast, watch yourself ♪ whoa!

♪ shake it fast, show me what you're working with ♪ whoa!

♪ shake it fast, watch yourself ♪

♪ shake it fast, show me what you're working with ♪

[ all cheering ] ♪ shake it fast, watch yourself ♪

Aah! ♪ shake it fast, show me what you're working with ♪

[ cheers and applause ]

[ laughs ]

It's definitely not her.

Don't worry. We'll figure this out.

You're a great dancer.

You're just noticing that now?

[ laughter ]

I gotta hit the little girls' room

Before I soak my panties.

[ slurping ]

Um...

[ deep voice ] by that, I mean...

My girlfriend's panties...

Which I carry with me...

To pee in...

If I don't make it in time...

To the bathroom.

What?

You don't pee in your girlfriend's panties?

What kind of gay club is this?

Hey, everybody, check out this guy --

Not peeing in his chick's panties.

[ high-pitched ] excuse me...

Do you have to be in here for this?

Well, it's part of my job description,

But if you're one of those shy guys,

You try that stall there.

[ fart ]

Uh...There's someone in there.

And they're gonna be in there for a long time, too.

I told him to stay away from the calamari.

[ farting continues ]

Some folks think they can eat anything that crawls.

Would you mind?

[ sighs ]

Ooh! Ah!

Ooh, hoo!

[ gasping ]

Excuse me?

Why is there ice in there?

Ooh! I wouldn't have done that.

[ door hinges squeak ]

Oh!

[ urinating ]

You're good at that.

You make it look so easy.

Why don't you just take a picture?

[ sighs ] all right.

Here goes.

Disgusting! Wrinkly! Gross!

Ew!

[ urinating ] oh!

Oh! I've never done this before.

It's going all over.

It's always good to aim at something,

Like that cigarette there... Or the big mint.

It's going everywhere!

You got to hold on to it.

Oh! Not too tight, but enough to let it know you're the boss.

[ breathing heavily ]

Oh!

See that fly?

Aim for it.

That's -- that's helping.

That's it.

Remember, if you shake it more than twice,

You're playing with it.

[ belt buckle jingles ]

[ sighs deeply ]

I don't know how I could ever thank you.

[ dance music plays, indistinct conversations ]

Hi!

That was an experience.

Here's your drink.

Is there any ice in here?

No.

Thank god!

Hey... Aren't you that chick

Who's having sex with that college guy?

No!

Wanna be?

[ laughter ]

She's not interested, okay?

So why don't you just back off?

Okay, grandpa.

What are you, their pimp, and these are your skank hoes?

[ both gasping ]

You and me, right now -- let's go.

Where we going?

[ moans ]

Aah! No!

[ indistinct conversations continue, rock music plays ]

Jess!

[ knuckles cracking ]

Come on, jess. Come on! You can do it.

What do you got, geezer? Come on!

[ indistinct shouting ]

You can do it! Come on!

Show me what you got!

Come on!

[ air whistling ]

What the...

What's he doing?

Some kind of tae-queer-do.

[ girls screaming ]

That's it!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

No! Aaah!

Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh!

Ohh!

[ indistinct shouting continues ]

Aah!

Ohh!

Ha ha!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Jess!

Oh!

Ooh, yeah! Yeah! Yes!

[ guys cheering ]

That really does hurt.

Thanks for sticking up for me.

Now go kick some ass.

[ rock music continues ]

Aah! Oh!

[ indistinct shouting continues ]

Ohhh!

Ohhh!

[ rip ]

Aah!

Oh!

You think you're so cool 'cause you can pee with your penis.

Get a new conditioner.

Your ends are totally split.

[ whimpers ]

[ all laughing ]

You rock!

April, I don't know.

Oh, come on. This is the only way you can be in school.

[ inhales sharply ] here comes jake.

Hi! Hey, baby.

[ giggles ]

So, skiing sucked.

I mean, you didn't miss a thing. It was all mushed out.

Oh...

[ giggles ]

What's with the scarf?

It's kinda chilly in here.

[ shivers ]

[ clears throat ]

[ gasps ]

Ski rash.

So, I'm gonna -- [ clears throat ]

I better -- I'm gonna go to class, so...All right.

[ laughs ]

April, I am so sorry.

[ voice breaking ] he didn't even ask me to the prom.

Jake and I are so over.

Okay...[ chuckles ]

Now, you get in there.

[ inhales sharply ]

And remember -- your name is spence.

I must tell you...Spence, uh, there are applicants

Who actually have prior janitorial experience.

Your hair --

It has such bounce.

Oh, it's this new cream ri--

Um, anyway, a-as I was saying,

You haven't really provided me with --

Look, uh... [ exhales sharply ]

Uh, I'll be honest with you.

I'm a struggling musician.

Ever since my days playing the tuba

In the high-school marching band --

Y-you -- you -- you play the tuba?

Yes...

In the honor band.

Oh!

[ imitating tuba ]

[ laughs ]

Well, spence, I'd be going out on a limb here, but --

You won't regret it, I promise.

Thank you, miss bernard. Thank you.

[ laughing ] please, call me marjorie.

[ deep voice ] marjorie.

Now, if you'll just fill out the security portion here

Of the form...

[ high-pitched ] all right.

[ laughing ]

Billy...

Aah!

We need to talk.

About what?!

I called you on your ski trip to --

That was you?!

Yeah.

Oh, god!

I can explain.

Billy, wait! [ door closes ]

[ rock music plays ]

[ panting ]

I gotta do what?

[ salsa music plays ] [ barking ]

♪ boom de rico mambo ♪

Hi, there. I miss you.

Hi, sam.

[ barks ]

Hey, taquito, think fast.

Oh!

[ mexican accent ] you got me, señor.

Taquito, pick up that ball.

You and me are gonna shoot some hoops.

♪ boom de rico mambo ♪

Gotcha!

Back to tijuana!

[ laughs ]

[ basketball bouncing ]

♪ este rico mambo ♪

Oh!

Oh!

[ groans painfully ]

♪ aah ♪ let me make you feel a little bit more at home.

Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-al!

♪ huh ♪

How are things with the missus, señor?

Eh, still not getting any.

[ sighs ]

When was the last time you kissed her?

You mean, kiss her, or kiss her kiss her?

[ laughs ]

Eugggh!

Señor, sometimes when a woman is ignoring you,

That's when she wants you the most.

She's only waiting for you to open up her passion,

Which is like a waterfall waiting to explode.

You must get a lot of enchilada, taquito.

Come on, bring it!

Tres points, señor.

Lucky shot.

Ah!

My outs again, señor.

[ net swishes ]

Oh!

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

How did you know I don't move so well to my right?

Carol: Booger?

Oh, have you seen your sister?

I feel like I haven't talked to her in days.

She was here a minute ago. You just missed her.

Oh.

Good game.

[ sighs ]

[ high-pitched ] señor richie?

I need to tell you something...

[ voice breaking ] but I can't.

What do you got going on, taquito?

I'm not really a gardener.

I agree with that. The roses look like shit.

[ sniffles ]

I'm sorry.

Come on, now, easy there, big fella.

They're just roses. [ chuckles ]

I want to tell you...

I think you're the greatest dad in the world.

Any kid would be lucky to have you as their father.

[ sniffles ]

Thanks, taquito.

[ sobbing ]

I'd hate to see you after you lose a game.

Eden: Okay, did you eat any wolfsbane?

Uh, no.

Any sex with a leprechaun?

Not recently.

[ beeps ]

Oh, my god.

You know, they should come with a warning --

"earrings may come with penis."

[ foreign accent ] this be some serious shit.

Those belonged to princess nawa.

There's a myth

Of her using the earrings to escape a bad marriage.

[ up-tempo drum music playing ]

But she didn't know

That she had to bring the earrings back together,

And she lived out her life as a slave girl.

Now, it appears that this myth is anything but.

[ music swells ]

[ sighs ]

Would you stop with the damn drumming?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I...Just was really getting into your story.

You've got to find that other earring

And unite them before the full moon end.

[ introduction to custom's "mess" plays ]

♪ I'm a messed-up kid ♪

♪ with a messed-up head ♪

♪ driving this wreck of a life ♪

I got you, babe. Don't worry about it.

♪ 'cause my messed-up parents ♪

[ tapping on window ] keecia's mother: Hey, ling-ling!

Ling-ling!

Ling-ling, look!

Look, I help! I help you!

♪ they're all a mess just like me ♪

♪ if you put us all together ♪

♪ it gets really ugly ♪

[ cheering ]

♪ I'm a mess ♪

♪ I'm a mess ♪

[ indistinct shouting ]

Hey, billy.

Oh!

Yeah!

Is he okay?

Whoo!

[ water running ]

Jake: What's the matter, man?

You afraid the janitor's gonna see your dingdong?

[ chuckles ]

So, what's up with you and the prom queen?

I don't know. [ sighs ]

I thought everything was fine, but I guess I was wrong.

See, that's why you gotta have a spare, man.

That's what April is. She's my spare.

Spare?

Yeah, she's my backup.

I mean, she was a fun ride -- no doubt about this --

But she is a previously owned vehicle.

I'm into that new-car smell.

Jessica: You asshole!

W-whoever left these towels over here...

Is an asshole.

Now, this new chick I got -- [ whistles ]

Dude, she is gonna be the hottest chick at the prom.

I bet one of her little hottie friends

Would love to go out with the quarterback.

Oh, I don't know, man. Come on, man.

Maybe this one will put out, unlike that cold fish, jessica.

You go to hell!

Whoever left these showers on...

Go to...Hell.

Hey...

Jessica's anything but a cold fish, all right?

She's the most amazing girl in the whole world.

Dude, you've never even been out of california.

I don't care.

I love her.

I mean, I know she thinks

I only want to have sex with her,

But that's not what it's about.

I mean, when that moment comes...

I want it to be perfect.

Wow.

That is the gayest thing I have ever heard.

She's the only girl that makes my heart

Beat faster and slower at the same time.

When I'm not with her...

I'm not living.

I'm only existing until I can hold her in my arms again.

[ sighs ]

Gay, gay, gay, gay.

[ sobs ]

[ sniffles, sighs ]

Somebody shit in the locker.

[ sniffles ]

[ salsa music plays ]

Can I help you find something?

[ mexican accent ] I-I was looking for my...

Earring.

It, uh, accidentally fell...

Into the lawn mower...

And, uh...Ricocheted into the window.

[ laughing nervously ]

I've always liked earrings on men.

Would you like some lemonade?

Here you go, taquito.

It's got a mexican flavor to it.

[ coughing, choking ]

[ coughing ]

What the hell is that?!

Quesadilla and spicy menudo with jalapeños --

Your national dish.

[ laughing ]

I'm sorry.

[ sighs, chuckles ]

[ deep voice ] it's been so long since I heard you laugh.

[ mexican accent ] I mean...

Since I started working here.

[ moaning ] oh! Oh!

[ smooching ]

Back!

[ gasps ]

Oh, I -- I am so sorry.

[ sighs ] no problemo.

[ sighs ]

No problemo.

Oh!

[ deep voice ] aah! Carol! Carol! Please!

This would be very unnatural for me

In at least five different ways!

Ah! Oh!

[ gasps ]

So...You like men?

Of course I do.

What do you think?

Oh...

Oh...

[ laughs ]

[ sighing ] oh...

[ sighs ]

Carol...

You are a beautiful and very desirable woman.

And you have a husband who's dying to be with you.

H-he said that?

Yes.

I cleaned up the language a bit, but...Yes.

I know!

Let's go paint your toenails.

Then we'll wash your hair!

[ laughs ]

My daughter, jessie, used to do those things for me.

I'll make up for that right now.

Come on...

Let's show that man of yours what he's been missing.

[ laughs ] come on!

[ laughing ] okay!

[ sighs ]

[ carol giggling ]

[ mexican accent ] uh-huh, uh-huh.

Sí, yeah, sí, sí.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Sí, uh-huh, sí, sí.

Sí, sí. [ moaning ]

To the left -- ooh, right, right, right, right!

Oh, yes! Oh!

Sí. I love that. Oh, yes!

Carol! [ gasps ]

How could you?! In my own house?!

Señor --

And you, taquito -- we were supposed to be amigos!

The loofah for the scrubbing. The sc-- get out!

Señor, is for the -- the bath. I was --

Shut up-o. I was scrubbing.

Out! Señor...

Richie, richie...

[ sighs ] really, I-it's -- it's not what you think.

[ sighs ]

It's my own fault.

Oh, daddy!

Mmm! Oh!

[ water splashes ] oh! Oh, daddy!

Look at all these earrings.

It's hopeless.

I'm sorry.

[ sighs ]

The prom's in three days.

Forget about the cheer competition.

[ sighs deeply ]

I had it all.

And I never really appreciated it.

I took everybody for granted.

Oh, and today, my dad walked in on me and my mom in the tub.

I think I may have lost my job as gardener.

[ sighs ]

You know, I'm kinda sorry to say this,

But...This has been really fun.

[ giggling ]

[ laughing ]

Yeah, right.

[ telephone rings, answering machine beeps ]

Jake: Hey, babe, it's jake.

Listen, I got a half-hour after wrestling.

I can either take a shower or I can come on over.

[ deep voice ] too late, dude.

She's with me right now.

She says that my peepee's way bigger than yours.

And that's if I fold it in half.

[ gasps ]

Wha--

No way! [ laughs ]

Oh, my god, that was awesome, spence.

[ high-pitched ] anytime.

[ laughs ]

[ both sigh ]

[ sighs ]

You know, I really thought I was in love.

How do you know for sure, anyway?

I think it's when you find someone

That you can really be yourself with...

Share anything... You know?

You mean like best friends?

Yeah.

Love's when you can't even imagine

What your life would be like without that other person,

When words don't come close to how your heart really feels.

And even though it doesn't make sense to other people,

You know you're meant to be together.

Yeah.

And you spend all night thinking about him.

And in the morning, you've never felt more rested.

Oh, it's like you have to grab on to something,

'cause it seems like your whole body's about to float away.

[ gasps excitedly ]

[ exhales deeply ]

Okay...

[ exhales sharply ] what?

I have an idea.

What? What, what?

Tell -- it might sound kind of crazy.

Tell me. Tell me. What?

Why don't you and I go to the prom together?

That would be awesome!

Yeah! [ laughs ] yeah!

So cool! [ both laughing ]

Aaah!

Yeah!

We'd make jake so jealous.

Yeah.

Ahhhh.

[ laughs ]

I got to pee. Ooh, I got to pee.

Ooh.

[ exhales sharply ]

Hmm-hoo!

[ urinating ]

[ farting ] oh.

[ exhales sharply ]

[ urinating, farting ] oh!

Oh, jeez! [ splattering ]

Sorry, I'll get that.

Are you okay?

I'll get it.

Sorry.

♪ ash to ash ♪

♪ and dust to dust ♪

♪ we dream of... ♪

Jessica?

♪ we sold you... ♪

Jessica?!

♪ our trust ♪

[ tires squealing ]

Jessica!

Oh, jessica.

Oh. Oh, thank god. [ chuckles ]

[ sighs ] I love you, baby.

[ sighs deeply ]

I would do anything for you.

[ scoffs ] yeah?

[ sighs deeply ]

Uh... How much money you got?

What?

How much money you got?

Um...

Uh...

About $40.

That your car?

It's my dad's.

You know that.

Oh, yeah. Cool.

Give me the keys.

[ keys jingling ]

Oh. Thanks.

[ sniffs ]

Hey, uh, so, uh, w-what'd you say your name was?

Billy.

Oh, yeah. Ooh.

Take it easy, bobby.

[ door creaks, closes ] it's "billy."

[ engine turns over ]

[ tires squealing ]

[ tires squealing ]

[ chuckles ]

[ rock music plays, tires squealing ]

Aaah!

[ music stops ]

[ panting ]

[ crying softly ]

[ crowd cheering, dance music plays ]

Yeah.

[ whistle blows, music stops ]

[ salsa music plays ]

Where's jessica?

[ sighs ] don't worry, miss bernard.

She'll be here.

[ music continues ]

[ men singing in spanish ]

[ cheers and applause ]

Hey.

[ exhales sharply ] I really hope this works, jessica.

Come on, let's go kick some ass.

Okay.

Aah. Oh!

Dude, there's jessica.

Whatever.

Dude!

[ whistles, cheers ]

Number one!

She does love me.

[ dance music plays, whip cracks ]

♪ are you feeling fierce? ♪

[ introduction to run-d.M.C.'s "it's tricky" plays ]

♪ it's tricky to rock a rhyme ♪

♪ to rock a rhyme that's right on time ♪

♪ it's tricky ♪

♪ it's tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky ♪

[ dance music plays ]

Whoo-hoo!

[ hip-hop music plays ]

All: The bees are coming! The bees are coming!

Sting this!

That's you! That's you! I see you!

[ hip-hop music plays ]

Yeah!

[ music stops ]

[ cheers and applause ]

Whoa! Oh! Girl: Aaah!

[ all gasping ]

Aaah!

[ panting ]

[ girls screaming ]

[ vomiting ] oh! Je--

[ retching ]

Oh, come on, man.

[ feedback ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

It appears the older gentleman in the bee outfit

With the fake boobs is the school janitor.

As per section 31c of the rule book,

School employees are allowed to be mascots.

Say hello to your new champions --

The bridgetown honeys!

[ cheers and applause ] aaah! Aaah! Aaah!

Aaah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!

[ laughing wildly ]

Whoo-hoo! Oh!

Ugh!

♪ give me all your fear ♪

♪ throw it all away ♪

♪ and think about the good things ♪

♪ no matter what they say ♪

♪ we'll take tomorrow, baby, yeah ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

Woman on tv: Here's a bizarre story for you --

Police are now searching for the hot chick bandit --

A beautiful young woman who lures men into dark alleyways,

Beats them senseless, and takes their wallets.

Well, we thought maybe she needed some help.

Yeah, we're helpful guys.

So we went into the alley, and then she starts wailing on me.

And let me tell you -- she didn't hit like a girl.

Luckily, fitzy, the good guy that he is --

He was hiding behind a dumpster with a video camera.

Looks like she worked you over pretty good.

Yeah, well, don't get me wrong --

I got some shots in.

Ow!

[ thud, thud, thud ] ow! Ow! Ow!

[ whimpering ]

Ow!

Ow!

[ thud ] owww!

[ thud ]

Owww!

Why? Oh, god.

Oh, god, that hurt.

Owww!

[ whimpering ]

Why?! [ whimpering ] [ telephone beeping ]

[ whimpering continues ]

[ ringing ]

Hi, it's April. Leave me a message.

[ beep ] April, it's hildenburg.

I think I found jessica's body. It's in an alley outside a bar.

But we got to move fast, because the police are already looking for it.

Call me back. Ohh! Oh!

Aaaahhh!

[ thud ] [ cat screeches ]

[ slow piano music plays ]

[ jessica sniffles, cries softly ]

Jessica?

[ crying softly ]

[ sighs deeply ]

[ sniffles ]

[ sniffles ] not now, booger.

I knew it!

Jessie, it is you!

How come you didn't snitch on me?

'cause you're my sister,

And I accept you for who you are.

Come here. [ sighs deeply ]

[ inhales sharply ]

You are such a little weirdo.

[ sniffles ]

♪ that's right, don't be looking at me like that ♪

♪ see, my name is grandma funk, y'all ♪

♪ funk if you're nasty, darling ♪

Ooh...

Sweet as cand-y!

Keecia's mother: Ling-ling!

♪ I need a little more volume ♪

"l" to the "I" to the "n" to the "g."

[ laughs ]

Ling-ling, you forgot your bling-bling.

Mom... You're ruining my life!

I just want to meet you halfway.

♪ are you ready to get down, get funky? ♪

Nigga, "prease"!

[ groove armada's "I see you, baby" plays ]

I wish my mama got me some bling-bling.

Honey, if you don't want her as your mama,

I'll take her.

Girl, please. Girl, please.

♪ uh! ♪

♪ what? ♪ ♪ uh! ♪

♪ come on! ♪ ♪ uh! ♪

[ eerie music plays, siren wailing ]

♪ whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ whoa, pretty, pretty shy one ♪

♪ whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ whoa, pretty, pretty fly one ♪

You still think I have a chance at prom queen?

No.

Okay.

[ music continues ]

Mom!

I'm sorry.

But why do you have to keep embarrassing me

In front of my friends?

[ sighs ]

You're not ashamed of me.

You're really ashamed of yourself.

[ breathing shakily ]

Tell lulu --

Easy on the chronic.

[ engine turns over, buzzing ]

♪ bow down ♪ ♪ when I come to your town ♪

♪ bow down ♪ ♪ when I'm westward bound ♪

♪ bow down ♪

♪ 'cause I ain't a hater like you ♪

♪ bow down to a dealer that's greater than you ♪

♪ I take ten steps, and I draw ♪

[ telephone ringing ]

Ohhh! Oh! Oh!

[ ringing continues ]

[ beep ]

Oh, h-h-hi, carol.

Jessica didn't get ready here.

No. No, she hasn't been here all week.

[ beep ]

Oh! I knew it!

[ gasps ] something is going on with jessica and April.

Oh...Oh, I'm gonna get to the bottom of it.

If you ruin April's night, I will have you put away.

Wh--

I-if you're not gonna help me, I-I'm gonna do it myself.

[ rustling ]

[ tires squealing ]

[ horn blaring ]

[ blaring continues ]

[ michelle branch's "you get me" plays ]

♪ so I'm a little left of center ♪

♪ I'm a little out of tune ♪

I think this is a good spot.

♪ some say I'm paranormal ♪

Jake's got to come right by here.

I don't really care about jake anymore.

You shouldn't. He's a jerk.

There's no one I'd rather be with here tonight.

♪ I don't care what they're saying ♪

Me either.

[ exhales sharply ]

♪ as long as I'm your girl ♪

April, you look so beautiful tonight.

No one has ever been there for me like you have.

You've always been there for me.

Any guy would be so lucky to have you as their girlfriend.

And I should know.

I've been a guy for almost a week now.

And in that time, you have been such a good friend to me.

I don't know how I could ever thank you.

Ehhhh...

Here he comes.

[ both chuckle ]

That dress looks great.

Is it easy to get out of?

[ slurps ]

[ inhales deeply ]

God.

Aaah!

Oh...

I am so lesbian right now.

[ scoffs ]

We totally nailed him. [ laughs ]

Jake is so jealous.

He spilled his drink all over his date.

You should've seen it. [ laughs ]

We already got him, honey. He can't see us anym--

Spence, I love you.

I love you, too, April.

If you weren't holding on to me right now...

I'd float away.

You're my best friend, and now you're a guy.

It's meant to be.

[ sighs ]

April...

You don't need me or any guy

To make you feel beautiful and special...

Because you are.

You are the greatest girl in the whole world.

You are all you need.

I know it's crazy, but I can't help it.

I'm in love with you, spence.

[ sighs ]

[ sighs ]

April...

You gonna be okay?

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

We're not gonna let a little thing like...

Me turning into a man and you wanting to be with me

Get in the way of our friendship, are we?

[ chuckles ]

[ sighs ] I'm in love with billy.

And if I'm gonna be stuck like this forever,

He's just gonna have to accept me as I am --

A man.

That's my man.

[ dance music plays ]

I think I know who's in jessica's body.

[ gasps ]

And I know where we can find him.

Let's find jessica and get out of here.

Hildenburg, you know what to do.

Come on.

[ music continues ]

Aah!

Come on.

[ whip cracking ] man: That's a huge bitch.

[ laughs ] I didn't see it coming.

No way, man. [ laughs ]

[ whistles ] scoot. He's mine.

Mmm, boy, I don't think so.

Aah!

[ sighs ]

[ exhales sharply ] get away!

Billy...

It's me -- jessica.

It's always been me.

Mister...

You're freaking me out.

You know how when I touch you there,

It makes your whole leg tingle?

And when I touch you here...

No. No. No, it can't be.

Do you remember after the homecoming game...

After you threw the winning pass to beat carlmont,

You and I went behind the scoreboard and...

[ exhales sharply ]

[ whispering ]

[ exhales sharply ]

[ exhales sharply ]

You got to believe me.

Silly...Billy...Nilly.

Just close your eyes.

You'll know it's me.

[ exhales sharply ]

[ romantic music plays ]

Oh!

Oh, I can't! I can't do it!

You always said you'd love me no matter what.

Bu-- I -- you're a 30-year-old dude!

Just on the outside!

Billy!

[ footsteps approaching ] bil--

We found your body.

[ panting ]

It'll be fine. Are you sure she's all right?

I'm sure everything's gonna be fine. Booger!

Booger, hurry up!

Come on, buddy!

You got to learn to run in those heels if you're gonna wear them.

[ engine turns over ]

[ sister sledge's "he's the greatest dancer" plays ]

♪ oh, what, wow ♪

♪ he's the greatest dancer ♪ there you go, sweetheart.

♪ that I've ever seen ♪

♪ I've ever seen ♪ [ laughs ]

♪ oh, what, wow ♪ [ grunts ]

♪ he's the greatest dancer ♪

♪ oh, what, wow ♪

♪ that I've ever seen ♪

Oh, shit!

[ exhales sharply ]

I knew it was gonna be a good night.

Ow! God.

Thanks, hildenburg.

I want my body back right now!

Well, finders keepers, sweetheart.

[ lighter clicks ]

How dare you?! Do you know what this could do to my lungs?!

[ scoffs ]

You give me that earring! Give me that earring!

You give me that earring.

Give it to me. Give it. Give it to me.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Sit down. Calm down. Calm down.

I'll make you a deal, okay?

Now...

Just let me make another 500 bucks tonight, okay?

And then I'll give you your body back

'cause it's so important to you.

[ mockingly ] "I'm crying about my body."

And then...

You can just loan it to me every other weekend

And -- so I can pay off some gambling debts.

Weekends -- loan you my body.

[ chuckles ]

I want my body back!

Give me my body back!

Give -- [ choking ]

Hey...

Look at me.

I'm only gonna tell you this once --

No strangling the dancers or you are out of here!

Now, can't you read?

[ dance music plays ]

♪ what are you waiting for? ♪

Now, this is more like it.

I got to hit the head.

♪ give it to me ♪

♪ life is what you make it ♪

♪ and it can pass you by ♪

Hey, don't worry.

We're gonna get him.

[ gasps ]

[ all laughing ]

Hey, babe.

[ whistles ] sweetheart.

Hey...

No way!

Jessica?! This is where you've been?

[ laughing ]

I want a dance from you!

Ye-e-e-ah!

Mar--

Oh.

Ugh! Oh!

[ exhales rapidly ]

So, dancing naked must be fun, huh?

Yeah, sure...

Why wouldn't it be?

Where do you keep your weed, though?

♪ give it to me, give it to me ♪

Ohhhh.

That's good.

I don't have one of those.

Sure.

[ romantic music plays ]

[ sighs ]

Bye, spence.

You'll always be my best friend.

Forever.

[ sighs ]

[ exhales sharply ]

[ laughs ]

[ introduction to "more than a woman" plays ]

Billy?

Hi, mrs. Spencer.

Mr. Spencer.

How's it going, booger?

[ sighs ]

This isn't the prom.

Oh, my god.

[ sighs ]

♪ more than a woman ♪

♪ aaaaahhh ♪

Anything yet?

No.

Oh.

There you go! Come on, shake it!

Whoo! You naughty little honeybee.

Yes, you are!

Oh! Ho! Whoo!

[ inhales sharply ]

Anything yet?

No.

I'm all right. I'm o--

♪ hey, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ more than a woman, you'll see ♪ [ giggling ]

♪ aah ♪

♪ more than a woman ♪

♪ ye-e-e-e-ah ♪

[ boing! ]

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Uh-huh.

♪ more than a woman ♪

Hey, buddy? How about a lap dance?

♪ ...You'll see ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[ gasps ]

[ chuckling ]

[ grunts ]

♪ more than a woman, you'll see ♪

[ choking ]

Hey! Can't you read?!

Monday night's gay night.

[ choking ]

[ exhales sharply ]

What?

Oh. [ exhales sharply ]

[ laughs ]

It's me?

[ laughing ]

Really?

[ uplifting music plays ]

Oh!

Oh!

It is! [ gasps ]

It really is!

[ laughing ] oh.

[ gasps ]

[ both squealing ]

[ inhales sharply ]

Aaah!

[ all laughing ]

[ crowd murmuring ]

Taquito?

It's really you.

Billy.

Mmm...

[ exhales sharply ]

Listen, I... I'm so so--

Doesn't matter.

Nothing matters.

I don't care about the other girl I took to the prom.

I don't care what jake thinks.

I don't care that you took my money,

Stole my dad's car,

And...Tried to run me down with it.

No, I --

None of that matters.

[ sighs ]

I'll even try to find a way

To get over your new job as an exotic dancer.

[ exhales sharply ]

[ chuckles ]

[ romantic music plays ]

Billy...

Do you feel that?

You are the only boy who makes my heart

Beat faster and slower at the same time.

[ sighs ]

[ music swells ]

[ sniffles ]

I'm not pressing charges.

Hey, you better get back onstage, little lady.

The only place this little lady is going

Is home with me and my wife.

Hey, what kind of a place do you think I'm running here, pal?!

Class valedictorian --

Keecia "ling-ling" jackson.

[ cheering ]

Keecia: First of all,

I'd like to say I'm very proud to be half korean.

Thank you, honey!

But don't forget --

You're also one-quarter jewish!

Mazel tov, baby!

Shalom!

♪ I'd do anything ♪

♪ just to hold you in my arms ♪

♪ to try to make you laugh ♪

Wait! Wait!

[ tires squeal ]

[ music stops ]

Hey, how's it going? [ inhales sharply ]

Hey, thanks for helping me out, man.

You're a good man. You're a good guy.

[ inhales sharply ]

[ lou rawls' "you'll never find another love like mine" plays ]

♪ you'll never find ♪

♪ another love like mine ♪

[ tires squealing ]

Aaaahhh!

♪ it's all right, it's okay ♪

♪ I'll keep holding on today ♪

♪ 'cause I'm waiting for the starlight in your eyes ♪

♪ no more faith, no more hope ♪

♪ all that I can do is grope ♪

♪ for a shred of loving care from my girl ♪

♪ the pain you felt has burdened you ♪

♪ you can't feel love ♪

♪ I'm glad that I have been with you ♪

♪ but that's not enough ♪

♪ in your arms, I would be ♪

♪ overjoyed as any boy ♪

♪ holding on to what he loves ♪

♪ oh, so much ♪

[ guitar solo ]

♪ the pain you felt has burdened you ♪

♪ you can't feel love ♪

♪ I'm glad that I have been with you ♪

♪ but that's not enough ♪

♪ in your arms, I would be ♪

♪ overjoyed as any boy ♪

♪ holding on to what he loves ♪

♪ oh, so much ♪

♪ holding on to what he loves ♪

♪ oh, so much ♪

♪ holding on to what he loves ♪

♪ oh, so much ♪

Man: Action!

April: Okay, let's think.

What could have caused this?

[ scoffs ]

No clue.

I mean, my house is built on an old indian burial ground --

Sorry. Let's try again.

Okay, let's think.

What could have caused this?

[ laughs ]

Sorry.

Okay, let's think.

What could have caused this?

[ scoffs ] no clue.

[ scoffs ]

One more time.

What could have caused this?

[ laughing ]

[ laughing ] okay, one more time.

[ sighs ]

Okay, let's think.

What could have caused this?

[ laughing ]

[ laughing ] okay.

Okay, one more time. I'm ready.

[ laughs ]

[ laughs ]

[ laughing ] okay, I'll get it.

I'm used to it.

I've got cheerleading practice, the prom.

[ sighs deeply ]

[ laughing ]

Oh [bleep] h-hang on.

Action!

[ scoffs ] no clue.

[ laughing ]

Woman: Cut!

[ bleep ]

Man: Action!

[ scoffs ] no clue.

I mean, my house is built on an old indian burial ground.

[ scoffs, laughing ]

Sorr--

Aha! Here we go.

Sorry.

Man: Action!

No clue.

[ scoffs ]

I mean -- [ laughs ]

[ laughing ] sorry. I'll get through it.

Aaah! Here we go. I'm sorry. Give me that.

Aaah! [ bleep ]

Are you saying...

People think I'm perfect?

[ laughing ]

Are you saying...

People think I'm perfect?

[ laughing ]

Sorry.

Are you saying...

People think I'm perfect?

[ laughing ]

Okay. [ laughing ] okay.

Then we got it?

I think we got it. All right.

[ up-tempo music plays ]

[ music ends ]