Original subtitles

[poignant piano music]

- [sniffling]

- Hey, is this a good movie?

No!

[affected mexican accent] no, señor, no.

This is a girlie flick.

Too much talking, not enough shooting.

[normal voice] are you hungry, señor navel?

[affected mexican accent] si!

[normal voice] all right, here you go, buddy.

[affected mexican accent] mmm, good.

- Ray, I'm this close to crackin' you across the chops.

- Hey.

Is this a bad time?

- No, no.

Oh, no. Come on. Look, robert's here.

Let's shut the movie off.

- No, no, I don't want to interrupt.

- That's okay.

Ray's just talking to his belly button.

- Señor navel?

- You know him?

- I named him.

- You're lookin' pretty spiffy there.

You got a hot date?

- Uh, nah.

I was over at the holiday inn.

They have swing dancin' on thursdays.

- Oh, that sounds like fun.

- Oh, it could have been, but before you dance,

You gotta get up the nerve to approach a strange woman.

Before you do that,

You got to stop throwing up in the men's room.

- What are you so nervous about? You've been dating.

- Yeah, but that's datin'.

This is...Dancin'.

- So?

- Oh, yeah. I know what he means.

Dancing is different. You're very vulnerable.

- Yeah, it's a big risk asking someone

If you can hold onto them for ten minutes.

- All I want is five, and I get, "get off me, I'm sleepin'."

- Idiot.

- [affected mexican accent] he's right!

[normal voice] oh, no. Shh.

- Robert, I totally understand.

I totally understand.

It's hard for a woman too,

You know, waiting to be asked.

And then finally some guy starts approaching you,

And then he asks the tall blonde standing next to you.

- Yeah, tall blondes.

Thank god I gave those up.

- Yeah, big shot.

And anyway, when's the last time

You took me someplace

Where we weren't supposed to color the menus, huh?

I would love to go dancing.

- Hey.

Here's an idea.

Why don't you two go out and...

You know, cut the rug?

Shake the-- shake the leg out of it.

Shiver your timbers.

- What?

- You two. Go. Dancing.

Out. Tonight!

- But what about the kids?

- What? What? Forget about the kids.

They're sleeping. Besides, I'm here.

- Yeah?

You deserve to go out and have some fun, right?

I deserve to sit and watch a movie

That isn't about someone

Having trouble saying "I love you,"

Unless it's because they've been shot in the face.

- Well, uh, what do you think, deb?

You want to go dancin'?

- I would love to go dancing!

I'm gonna get dressed. - All right.

Oh, I could use a mint.

- Ho, ho, ho.

[affected mexican accent] oh, it is a great victory.

You have liberated the vcr.

Oh, my goodness.

[simulating gunfire]

- Where's debra?

- She's dancin' at the holiday inn.

- Dancing?

- Yeah, she's picking up a little pocket money.

She's swing dancing with robert.

- Oh, that's nice.

Robert's a wonderful dancer.

Yeah, it works out for everybody.

She gets to dance.

I get to eat salami in the living room.

- Amen.

[machine gun fire]

- What are they doing?

- This isn't really your type of movie, ma.

- Actually, I never see these.

I enjoy the action pictures.

- What?

Come on, ma. Since when?

- You got that one step, though.

Like a...Sort of like a charleston thing.

- Sure. - Hey, hey! Marie's here.

Hey, gianni, how you doin'? - Hi.

- I tell ya, your brother really knows how to swing.

- Oh, you were shakin' and bakin'

Pretty good there yourself, dollface.

- [laughs] I mean, it was just so--

It was, like, so--whoo! - Whoo!

Flame his head!

- Marie?

- Oh.

- Yeah, sure. Robert, do you want a drink?

- You lead, I'll follow. - Okay.

- Hey, ray, you got any beer?

- Yeah, yeah, I'll get you some.

- Get me one too, dear.

- You're gonna get drunk

And show us your tattoos, aren't ya?

- Should we show him?

- Yeah, yeah. Hey, ray, look what we can do.

Ready? Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

- Good. That's good.

- You like how we turned around there?

I got to tell ya, ray,

Your wife here really wore me out.

- Oh, look who's talking. I could barely keep up with you.

- Oh, come on. - Whoo!

[laughing]

- [snaps fingers]

- Here, marie. You can keep it.

- But the bottle's still full.

- Yeah, I think it's the one you gave me when we moved in.

- Now I understand your bundt cake.

- Hey, here's a beer.

Here, here you go, ma. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Well, I got to hit the rack.

Good night, everybody.

Debra, thanks. I had a great time.

And I got to tell ya,

I wasn't the slightest bit nauseous.

- [laughing]

You were great, robert. So I'll see you Saturday.

- It's a date. - Okay.

- Bye, now. - Bye.

- What's Saturday?

- Yeah, listen, there is this great band

So robert and I thought it would be kind of fun

Just to go check it out.

- Oh. Good.

- You don't mind, right? - Right. No.

- Okay. - Yeah, what, are you kiddin'?

Mom and I can go to a cockfight.

So, uh, you and robert, hey?

- Yeah, boy, I never knew your brother was so much fun.

- Fun, yeah.

Ask him to give you a pink belly

Or a purple nurple sometime.

- A what?

- A purple nurple.

- Aah! Get out of here.

- Yeah, see?

Not so much fun.

I had to have my right one sewn back on.

- Eww.

Well, we had a great time.

- Of course you did.

I'm sure you complained about me all night, right?

"oh, ray never takes me dancing.

"ray doesn't hang up his clothes.

Ray can't say the word 'cinnamum.'"

- No, we didn't talk about you.

- Yeah? Well, good.

So my name didn't come up at all?

- No, I told you. We had a good time.

Boy, I tell ya,

It was so great to get out there and move.

You know, that dancin', it really got me goin'.

Boy, I feel, like, ten years younger.

[snaps fingers]

- Yeah? Well, I got a couple moves

Make you feel born again.

[telephone rings]

- Hey, robert!

Yeah. No, nothin'. We're just in bed.

Yeah.

What are you wearing?

Yeah?

A zoot suit? [gasps]

Oh, my god.

Then I'm gonna have to get something too...

Something flouncy.

[laughs]

Well, then don't throw me over your head.

[laughs]

Yeah.

You are so funny.

Okay. All right.

Well, I'll see you Saturday.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Ohh.

Whoo! I'm exhausted.

Good night, ray.

I am gonna be sore tomorrow.

- So then tomorrow's out too.

[swing music plays]

[music stops]

- Hey, ray.

- Hey, sorry.

- Yeah...Cpr doll.

Just practicing.

- Is that a man?

- They are gender indeterminate.

- So what are you doing? Are you...

Practicin' some of those fancy moves

You're gonna do with debra?

- Yeah, more or less.

But it's different with her because she's...

- Got legs?

- Well, yeah, but, you know, she's so good,

It's like she doesn't have legs.

- Oh, yeah?

- I'm tellin' ya, she's good.

- Uh-huh. - I mean it, man.

You could not believe how good she is.

She is fantastic.

You know, it's like she--

- Okay, I get it. I get it. I get it.

- What's the matter?

- Oh, nothing. I was just...

I mean, do you really want to be dancin' with debra?

- Yeah...I mean, what are you sayin'?

- Nothing. It's just...

I don't think you should be dancin' with debra, 'cause...

You know, she's... Holding you back, man!

- Holding me back?

- Yeah, from meeting the other women.

- No, she's not.

- Of course she is.

She does it all the time to me.

- That's good. That's funny.

- So dump her.

Just dump her for your own good.

- Dump debra?

- Yeah. - No.

Come on, ray. I can't do that to her.

She's really looking forward to Saturday night.

- Is she?

- Sure she is.

Isn't she?

- If you say so.

- No, listen.

Come on, it's obvious she was having a-a fun time.

You know, all the spinning

And the twirling and the whoo-whoo!

You know, seems like she had fun to me.

- Yeah, yeah, she sure can put on a show.

- W-w-what are you sayin'?

She...Is she faking?

- You know what?

Forget it. Forget about it.

Forget the whole thing.

Look, the important thing is

That you're having a good time, right?

- I guess so.

- W-w-w-w-wait. What, are you leaving?

- Yeah, I just came by to say, "hey."

So, uh, you know, hey.

- Hey.

- Okay, what do ya think? Huh?

- Kind of skimpy. - Oh, "skimpy."

- What, are you...Going to a stripper's funeral?

- I think this is great. Huh?

I mean, I get to go jumpin' jivin',

And you get to...

What are you doing?

Probably end up watching "the brave little toaster"...

Unless my mother comes over,

In which case we'll watch "when animals attack."

- What earrings do you think...

These or these?

- Well, what's the difference?

When that dress flies up,

Nobody's gonna be lookin' at your ears.

- Don't be such a square.

[telephone rings]

- "square."

Gettin' a little sick of the swing talk, you know?

Jumpin' jivin', cat's pajamas.

Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, she's here.

It's your date.

- Hey.

Hey, robert!

Yeah?

Oh, that's terrible.

Yeah. No, no. Sure.

Yeah, yeah. I understand.

Okay. Yeah, well, good luck.

Okay, bye.

[stamps foot]

- What? - Damn! He canceled.

- Really?

Well, why did he wait

Until the last minute like that?

- Some emergency--

You know, a rescue thing.

Some kid got stuck in a well.

- Stuck in a well? - Yeah.

Who gets stuck in wells anymore?

I mean, are there wells in queens?

- Yeah, see, that's the thing.

People don't think they're there,

And then they fall in 'em.

- Well...

I mean, he said the kid's gonna be okay,

But they need a tall guy.

- Yeah.

Well, you know, going out with a cop,

I mean, that's the life.

He's already got a dance partner--

Danger.

- What kind of parents are those?

You know, they've probably got

A safety latch on their sock drawer,

But that big hole in their backyard--

"oh, gee, we had no idea."

I mean, come on. Here's an idea for ya.

Childproof your damn well, you stupid morons!

[slams, stamps]

- Look, you know,

I know it's not what you had in mind, but...

As it turns out, I'm here.

I mean, it is-- it is Saturday night.

We could do something fun, huh?

- Hey, you want to go dancing?

- Dancing? No, no, no, no. - Yeah.

- No, no, I was thinking, like, nintendo.

- Come on, come on, we're gonna go dancing.

- No, no, wait. Come on.

How about I'll give you a back rub and then some sex?

That could be fun.

- No, no, no. We're going dancing.

- All right. Back rub, no sex.

- No, no. I'm dressed. You're free.

We're going. Okay?

- No, the kids.

- Hmm? I'll call your mother.

- Oh, come on, you hate her!

No. Come on. You know me and dancing.

I'm no good.

- I know you're no robert, but I'll take what I can get.

- All right, back rub, no sex, and I'll vacuum!

[swing music]

- Hoo, hoo!

Whoop!

Isn't this great, ray?

It's like steppin' back into the 1940s.

- Yeah. Can't wait to meet hitler.

- Come on, let's dance. We'll do the jitterbug.

- No, how about we do the maypole?

Okay, I stand here, you dance around me.

- No, come on.

I'll lead, and you follow, okay?

Ray, come on, you promised you'd try to dance.

- That was at our wedding.

Hey, you look thirsty. - I'm not thirsty.

- Yeah, just stay here. I'll get you a drink.

- Would you...

Like to dance?

- Sure.

- Ahh...

- Robert?

- Raymond?

- What are you doin' here?

- Well, you told me debra was holding me back,

So I'm flyin' solo.

Debra's not here, is she?

- Yeah, she is, and you lied to her about the well,

So you'd better get out of here

Unless you're dancin' with a soggy kid.

- I can't let her see me.

- Yeah, well, you're gonna be hard to miss in that pimp suit.

Come on, get out of here.

Why don't you two swing it outside?

Go outside!

- Robert?

- Hey, debra.

Got to dance.

[no audible speech]

[applause]

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Where are you goin'?

- Pick up my trophy. [chuckles]

- When you came over this morning,

It just wasn't to say, "hey," was it?

- How come you told robert

I was dancin' with him out of pity, huh?

- I never said, "out of pity."

- You said to dump her.

- Look, it's just, you two, it was just--

- What? Just what?

- I was... - What?

- You know.

- What? - Jealous!

- Jealous? - Of us?

- A little bit!

- Because we're dancing together?

- Not just dancing.

You're sweating, and you're panting,

And you're straddling,

And you're whoo-whooing.

- She's your wife.

- He's your brother.

- You are a sick man!

- No, look, look... Look, look, I didn't--

I didn't actually think anything was going on there.

I was just--

It's the music.

It's the damn devil music!

I tell ya, it made me crazy.

Look, it's stupid.

I know. I know. I'm sorry. Forget it.

Forget the whole thing happened.

Go. You kids go. You dance. I'll watch.

I like to watch.

- I don't want to dance anymore.

God, you killed it.

- Nice.

I'm going home.

- Can I have a ride? - Yeah.

But it's okay, ray. She'll sit in the back.

- You know, I was watching you dance.

You might have a middle-ear problem.

[swing music]

- Look, just try to put yourself in my place.

It's just because you were having so much fun, and I--

- Ray, look, I told you. Let's just drop it.

I don't want to discuss this with you anymore.

- [affected mexican accent] how about me, señorita?

Will you talk to me?

- No, I don't want to talk señor navel either.

- Oh, that wasn't señor navel.

[laughs]

- Well, for the next few days,

You're gonna be talkin' to that guy by yourself.