Original subtitles

Could you move over, please, a little, deb?

Debra.

Deb.

- [snoring]

- Oh.

Oh, no.

Get outta here!

- Ray, did you hear that?

- Why are you down here? Are you okay?

- Yeah, sure, sure.

Whatever.

- What? - What?

- You said "whatever" weird.

- I say a lot of things weird.

What, do you think you say it so perfect?

- Ray.

- All right, look, look,

The reason I came down here is 'cause sometimes you're--

You're too...On me.

- What?

- In bed, when we're sleeping,

You don't stay on your side,

And then sometimes I can't sleep.

- Oh, what are you saying, I hog the bed?

- I know you're small, but...

That's--that's in regular space, you know?

In bed space, you're like one of those things in the scary movies

With all the--the arms.

You know, arms, and...

And wherever you go on the spaceship,

You can't get away from it.

Hey, where is it? It's not over here. Then--

Aah!

Oh!

Aah!

- I'm sorry. I'll try to stay on my side from now on.

- And not touch me.

- Not touch you?

- Okay, great.

- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute; what the hell are you talking about?

- It's just hard for me to sleep with touching.

- Me touching you?

Ray, you know, most husbands like cuddling with their wives.

- No, they don't.

- Yes, they do.

- No, nobody likes that, nobody.

The only time--the only time a guy likes cuddling

Is if he thinks it's going to lead to--

To lower cuddling.

- I don't believe this.

When--when did this start?

- When we started sleeping together.

- So you haven't said anything for nine years?

- I wouldn't have said anything now.

- Have you slept down here before?

- Well, just a couple times.

Listen, look, I don't have to do it anymore.

I'm happy just to suffer through it,

That's all.

- Suffer through it.

- All right, suffer might have been the wrong word.

Look, the touching never used to bother me before.

It's just--maybe it's 'cause I'm older.

You know, things change.

Like--like, now I can't handle anything hickory-smoked.

- Maybe you should get out of here, ray.

You never know when I'm going to touch you

In a non-sexual way.

- Oh, come on, don't be mad.

- Don't be mad?

- Look, you want to know something?

I'll tell you the truth.

This whole thing is my grandmother's fault,

Nonny barone.

- Oh, yes, of course, nonny barone.

The woman who brought dysfunction to america.

- No, this is going to sound dumb,

But every summer, we had to visit her in yonkers.

She had this tiny apartment.

And--and robert and I,

We went to bed on the foldout couch.

All night long, he'd be up against me.

I couldn't breathe. I was, like, suffocating.

And I couldn't do anything, couldn't say anything,

Because he'd wake up,

And then he'd laugh and try to crush me.

And--and if I screamed to stop him,

Nonny barone would come in

And yell at me for the screaming.

You know, so most nights, I just laid there awake.

That's--I don't know.

I've never gotten over that, I guess.

I'm sorry.

I never thought about it before,

But that's got to be it.

You know, but listen,

It's my problem, all right?

You just--you touch me all you want.

Cuddle, hug, snug.

Do it all because it'll be good for me.

- Oh, that's-- no, it's okay.

I mean, I didn't know that,

So I'll try to give you some more room, okay.

- Hey, jambalaya.

- Mm-hmm.

- Coffee?

- Nope, no coffee.

I drank it all. I am very tired.

- Really?

- Mm.

- Eh.

- Where you going?

- Going across the street to get some coffee.

- Oh, sure, have your mother think I'm so terrible

I can't even give my husband his morning coffee.

- Oh, come on...

She thinks that already.

- Hey, ray.

- Hey, no coffee. She drank it all.

- [clears throat]

- Oh, hi, robert.

- Hey, is ally here?

- No, she went to school.

- She was supposed to take me for show and tell.

Today's things that begin with "p."

- Oh, police officer.

Oh!

- Hey, deb, you okay?

- No, I couldn't get comfortable sleeping last night.

And you know what? It's all your fault.

That's right.

How come you had to torture ray at nonny barone's?

- What do you mean?

- You know, when you were kids,

And you slept on the pull-out couch together.

- We never slept on a pull-out couch together.

- Yes, you did.

At nonny barone's little apartment in yonkers.

- Apartment? She had a nice house.

We each had our own room.

Oh, those were happy times.

- Okay, got some coffee...

And a bag of mom's homemade jelly doughnuts.

- Ahh.

- Liar!

- Really, they're from scratch.

- You made up that whole story, didn't you, ray?

Nonny barone, the apartment,

The pull-out sofa bed.

You never slept with robert, did you, ray?

It was all a lie. You liar!

- It wasn't a lie.

- Oh, robert told me.

- Okay, it was a lie.

- Why did you lie to me?

- Because I didn't want you to feel bad

About me not wanting to touch you.

- Hey, robert, do you mind?

- That's right, robert,

My husband doesn't want me to touch him.

- Only in bed.

- I, um, I, um...

I'm late for show and tell.

- Yeah, and I am nuts for wanting to cuddle with you

Or be anywhere near you in the first place.

You need some help!

- Honey-- - no, no, no more honey.

No more honey.

You don't want anyone touching you in bed, ray?

No problem.

- Look, I just--

I can't sleep with you on me.

What do you want me to do?

- All right, just forget it, ray, okay?

I'm fine.

- Jelly doughnut?

- Yes.

- It's a massacre in there.

[knock on door]

Father hubley?

- What? Oh, raymond.

- Yeah. How you doing, father?

I was just in the neighborhood, you know.

- Did you want something?

- Yeah, um...

Listen, I'm just-- I'm having this problem,

And all the real shrinks are booked up for six weeks.

- How flattering.

- Yeah, so can I sit?

- It was kind of debra's idea for me to talk to somebody.

We had this discussion.

Fight.

Not really a fight. I mean, nobody got hurt.

Well, the jelly doughnuts.

- What did you and debra fight about?

- I'm having trouble sleeping with her.

I'm--wait a minute.

- You have feelings for another woman?

- No, no, no, no, no.

- A man?

- No, no, no, see,

This is what the "wait a minute" is about.

I mean, I mean, sleep, as in asleep.

- Oh, you mean actually sleep.

- Yes. Thank you. Yeah.

You know, like, she's over here,

And then, and then she moves over here, you know.

You know, and I got to move over here.

And she touches me, and then she hugs,

And then she holds, and--oh, believe me,

You're better off without it.

- You know, maybe it would help

If we looked at this from debra's perspective.

- Why?

- Well, to, um...

Understand why she does what she does.

- Why do you think she needs to touch you

At night when you're trying to sleep?

- I got nothing.

- Raymond, I want you to close your eyes.

- Why?

- Close them. Close them.

Now try to imagine that you are debra.

- I need new shoes.

- As debra, what is happening in your life

That makes you want to cling to your husband in bed?

- Hold on, when I tap myself on this side,

It sounds much more muffled than this side.

- Open your eyes, raymond. Open them. Open them!

- Sorry.

Sorry. Hey, where's my wallet?

Kidding.

- Raymond, maybe debra's missing a sense of intimacy.

She may not feel close to you during the day,

So she seeks out that closeness at night.

- That makes sense.

What do you mean?

- Do you touch her during the day?

Do you-- do you kiss her,

Stroke her hair, hold her hand?

- Okay, see, we're married.

- The need to show your loved ones how much you care

Doesn't end with the honeymoon, raymond.

- I know.

- You should express your love to debra all day long.

Go home and show her how much you love her.

Now.

- Now? - Now.

Right now. Go. Go. Hurry.

- All right. Okay, thank you.

- Yeah, go.

- Thank you, father hubley.

Thank you, uh, bless me.

- Oh, my god.

- Frank, you're supposed to watch the children.

- What does it look like I'm doing?

That one's about to spill something.

- No, no, no, geoffrey! Oh, all right.

Marie, just give me a second, okay,

And I'll help you empty those bags.

- Nonsense, dear. I know where things should go.

- Okay, come on. Come on, guys.

Let's get out of this mess. Let's go.

Boys, come on, let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Out. Out. Out. Out. There you go. Eww!

Oh, god.

- Hey, cranapple.

Oh, you're here.

What? I'm just--I'm trying to say hello to debra.

Hello.

- So say hello.

Don't make a meal out of it.

- You know, you could kiss me hello, frank.

- How about a kiss good-bye?

- Do you mind?

I'd like to be alone with my wife.

- Why?

- 'cause he's just trying to make up

For whatever it is he did that was wrong.

- What did he do, kill somebody?

- Don't give me any ideas.

Hey, you.

Hold me closer, tiny dancer.

- What are you doing, ray?

- Nothing.

I'm just trying to show my loved one

That how much I care does not end on the honeymoon.

- What?

Ray, come on, what, are you helping me or what?

- Yeah, no, I'm just trying to--

- What, you're trying to make up with me?

I forgive you, okay?

Get a mop.

I just wanna touch you a little.

- What?

- No, not like that. I'm just--

I'm trying to be generally affectionate.

Come on, get in on some of this.

- Look, please.

Would you stop? Sweep up the cheerios, okay?

- [sighs]

All right, but I want it noted

That I was trying to touch you.

- I'm sure it will come up during the insanity hearing.

Where is all this coming from?

- From god.

- I guess I got to note that too.

- Actually, I went to see father hubley.

- Father hubley?

- Yeah, well, you told me

That I should go see somebody.

- And he told you to annoy me?

That seems mean.

- He told me that I'm your husband

And I should be more affectionate.

And I thought I should be.

And I want to be.

- You really went to see someone about your problem?

- Yeah.

- You did that for me?

- And, you know, 'cause...

You know.

Mushy banana.

Come on.

Let's go wash our hands together.

Good night.

- Good night.

- Oh.

- What?

- Nothing. I just--

I thought with everything that I did today that...

You know, you might not need me

To keep doing it at night.

- That's why you were being so affectionate?

You're trying to get all your affection out of the way

So you could sleep untouched?

- I need my sleep.

'cause I gotta do it all over again tomorrow.

- Don't bother.

- Oh.

I--oh.

Well, I can't sleep like this either.

- Did it ever occur to you

That you could cuddle me?

- Huh?

- Why don't you hold me till I fall asleep?

And then you can sleep any way you want.

- I could do that.

How long you think it's gonna take till you fall asleep?

- It depends on how much

My husband has aggravated me today.

- Oh, so I guess just a few seconds.

- Yeah.

- Good night. - Good night.

- So a policeman's job is to protect and to serve

And to make all of us feel safe.

I want to thank you for having me in

For show and tell.

And, uh, are there any questions?

- Are you a giant?

- Uh, not--not really.

Any questions about being a police officer?

Yes, you. - Could I climb on you?

- Uh, not right now.

Uh, I think I have time for one more question.

- Are you going to eat us?