Original subtitles

- Hi, dears.

Isn't this wonderful weather we're having?

It's so crisp and clear.

- Quiet, marie.

I can't hear the punches.

- So, raymond...

Are you going to the hall of baseballs tomorrow?

- What?

- The hall of fame, marie!

You ignorant... [muttering]

- Raymond, your brother was talking

About some sort of a ceremony?

It sounded like a lot of fun to me.

And since you are a sportswriter

And have such important connections...

- Oh, just say it, marie.

The hall of fame is honoring the 1969 mets.

Your brother asked your mother to ask you to take him.

- Which one of you do I say no to?

- Come on, raymond.

You know how much that would mean to your brother.

- Ma, you know how long it takes to get to cooperstown, okay?

I'm not driving in the car with robert for four hours.

His feet smell.

- Well, take a bus. - A bus.

That's a smelly feet contest.

- Hi.

- Hi, robert. - Hey.

- Hi, dear.

- Hey. So what's new?

I was just taking shamsky out for a drive today.

It's nice out, huh?

So what's new?

- Cut the crap. Your mother asked him already.

- Robert, what do you got to have mom ask me

To take you to the hall of fame for?

- Ma, you were supposed to make it seem like it just came up.

- And you were supposed to wait across the street

Until I flashed the venetian blinds.

- Hey, ray.

- Oh, come on!

What are you doing?

- I'm making memories.

- Jeez. - What?

- Nothing, just...

We're about to crash into a big blue dot.

Aw, come on, robert.

- I'm sorry. I'm just a little excited.

- Yeah.

- The '69 mets.

The amazing mets. The miracle mets!

God, I love those guys.

It was one of the few bright spots of my childhood.

I just wish dad had taken us to a game.

- He took us to a lot of yankee games.

That was fun.

- Well, maybe for you. I hated the yankees.

- What do you mean, you hated the yankees?

You cried every time they lost.

- That's because dad told me it was my fault.

Man, you've actually met some of those guys.

Kranepool, harrelson, mcgraw.

- Yeah.

- Man, what a life you got--

Meeting sports idols, free hot dogs.

You're a lucky man, raymond.

Lucky man.

- Ahh... It's not that great.

Most of the time, I'm sitting in locker rooms...

Guys with towels...

Guys without towels...

- I sure hope art shamsky will be there.

You know, he homered his first time at bat.

- I know.

- Can't wait to tell him I named my dog after him.

- Uh, yeah. Hey, do me a favor, all right?

Don't tell him that.

- What do you mean?

I brought shamsky's collar for him to sign.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not taking that thing into the hall of fame.

- Well, what if I just let art sign it

But I don't tell him about the dog?

- Give me the dog collar, robert.

- No, no way.

- You're not bringing that in there!

- But I want him to see that--

- I swear to god,

I'll turn this car around right now!

- All right, fine.

- Look, we'll go in.

You'll meet art shamsky and the rest of the mets.

On the way home, I'll get you a happy meal.

Hey, hey. Are you all right?

- Oh, yeah. I'm just a little nervous.

- Just relax, man. Just act normal.

These guys are just like you and me,

Except they don't throw like girls.

- Oh, we should've gotten here earlier.

- Yeah, all right, just stick with me.

- Ladies and gentlemen...

From your 1969 new york mets,

Please welcome...

[sports theme plays] [applause]

Tommie agee! [cheering]

Jerry grote!

[applause and cheering]

Bud harrelson!

Cleon jones!

Ed kranepool!

Tug mcgraw!

Art shamsky!

And ron swoboda!

[applause and cheering]

- Whoa, whoa. Hey.

- Oh, yeah. Hi. Hi. - Can I help you?

- I write for a newspaper-- "new york newsday."

And me and my photographer,

We're here to just cover the event.

- Uh, the press event was last night, sir.

Today is for the public.

- Oh. All right.

So, you know, we'll just talk to the players,

Snap a couple pictures--

- Oh, no, I can't let you do that, sir.

These people have been waiting here all morning.

- Oh...Yeah. I-I know that.

But, uh...Again, I'm-- I'm, uh, ray barone

From "new york newsday."

- I'm sure you are, sir, but today you're going

To have to wait in line like everyone else.

- Okay, then, look, ray,

Let's just go to the back of the line,

And, you know, how long could it be?

- Three hours.

- Really?

- Hey, look, I don't want to wait in line here.

- I'm going to have to ask you gentlemen to move along

Because I need to keep this area clear.

- Look. Look, ray, it'll go fast.

We'll play 20 questions.

No, no, no. Look, there's got to be something--

- Hey. You're ray barone from "newsday."

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's me.

You know, I see your picture every day.

I read your column, man. It's great!

- Oh. Well, I can't argue with that.

Ha ha ha!

- Yeah, you know that thing you wrote last week

About the new stadium proposal--

That was really good!

- Oh.

Hey, thank you, man. Thanks.

Thanks, man.

It's nice to get out and, uh,

And meet the readers, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

- Hey, what are you doing? - No. Nothing.

Let me ask you something. Did you read the one about--

- Hey, hey, hey. No cuts.

- No, no, no. I'm with him. I'm with him.

- No, you're not.

I've been staring at the back of this guy's head

Since 6:00 this morning.

- Maybe you should've brought the jumble.

- No cuts! - No, I'm not--I'm not cutting.

- Ray. Ray. Look, look.

Let's just get in line before it gets any longer.

- No. Look-- you know what?

Let me talk to tug mcgraw. - Well--well, what about me?

- Just play 20 questions with that guy.

- Hey. - Hey.

- I'm thinking of a famous person.

- Uh, hey, tugboat. Hey, tuggy bear.

Hi. It's me--ray barone from "new york newsday."

- Oh, yeah. Barone.

On the ball players becoming announcers.

- Yes! Yeah. Yeah. How are ya?

- I'm, uh--I'm doing okay,

Considering I'm one of the ex-jocks

Looking for a second career

At the expense of the hearing public.

- Well, good! Good!

Fantastic!

- Who is that? - He's nobody.

Take a hike, barone.

- Okay. Thank you, tug. Thanks.

Thank you.

Thank you. Hey... You got to believe!

Yeah.

Uh...

Tug said it's okay for us to go in.

- No, he didn't, sir. I heard him.

He doesn't like you, sir.

Back of the line. - No, no, no.

He's razzing me. That's what we do.

We're good friends, me and tugboat.

- I'm sure you are, sir. Move along.

- Yeah. Back of the line.

- Yeah! Who do you think you are, huh?

- Look. Look. Look. I'm ray barone.

I work for "newsday."

I'm covering this thing. I'm a reporter.

- Good. Give us a report on the back of the line.

[laughter]

- Okay, look, ray, I'm getting in line, all right?

Look, I just need to talk to art shamsky

For a few seconds, that's all.

- I know, but he's right there. I just need to talk to him.

My brother-- he really loves him!

He's got a dog collar for him!

- Hello.

Hey. Can I get some dipping sauce, please?

All right, I'm not eating this.

Who can eat buffalo wings without dipping sauce?

- Certainly not ray barone from "new york newsday."

- What, you wanted to wait in that line?

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm not going to wait in a line all day like everybody else.

- Well, obviously you're not like everybody else

Because everybody else got to meet the mets.

- Hey. Look. I did you a favor, all right?

I drove four hours.

How about showing a little appreciation?

- Oh, that's right. Thank you, raymond.

It's been my dream to get 50 feet from art shamsky.

- Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse--what--

Oh, what am I, invisible?

What are you doing?

- I just want to preserve this moment.

I mean, how often do I get to see

The "ray doesn't get everything show"?

- Okay. Oh, I know what this is.

"oh, it never ends for raymond.

He has everything. I have nothing."

Oh, mopey, mopey, pouty, pouty.

Snooty, snooty. Uhh.

- No, no. I admit that there may have been times

When I might have mentioned in passing

That I possibly envied you.

But not anymore.

And would you like to know why?

- Yeah, no, not really. Where the hell is the waitress?

- Everything you have--

Successful career, great family,

Free hot dogs--

Has made you lose touch with reality.

You...

Are spoiled.

- Oh. Yeah.

And I guess all those years sponging off mom and dad

Have made you a better person.

- It certainly did.

I may have a thankless job, be divorced,

Pay full price for a hot dog,

But I happen to have something you'll never have.

- A tail?

- Character, ray.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. You're very superior.

- Yes. You see, I am superior

Because I'm humble.

Excuse me.

Uh..."lisa," may I have some more water, please?

- Sure.

- And some dipping sauce for my little brother here.

- Coming right up.

- Thank you, dear.

You see,

It's nice to be important,

But it's more important to be nice.

- Great, advice from a guy

Who made a teepee out of his french fries.

Who just got kicked out of the hall of fame

By someone with a flashlight and a whistle.

- Hey. Look. I did it for you!

- Uh, what, ruined it?

- Uh--yeah, yeah, I ruined it!

Look, I don't need to take this crap, all right?

- Yeah, you ever notice

When you get worked up that your voice cracks?

- Oh, shut up! - There it is.

- Shut up!

- You see what's happening here?

Now I may be upset that I didn't get to meet art shamsky,

But I am still able to keep my voice

At a comfortable speaking level, like so.

You might want to give that a try too.

- All right. Let's try.

Attention...

Jerkhead.

If you're joining me on the ride home--

I'm sorry. Did I say "joining"?

If you're mooching a ride home off me

That you had to have your mommy ask for,

There will be no talking, okay?

You are not to say a word to me.

And there'll be no bathroom breaks either,

So if you're smart, you'll do what I'm doing right now

And visit the rest room.

- Hope there's not a line!

[humming]

[radio playing music]

[humming louder]

[increases volume]

[humming louder]

[increases volume]

[humming louder, straining]

[coughing]

[turns radio off]

- [laughs]

That's right.

We must've--

That crawled out of the ass of another skunk.

Put your shoes on, gouda feet.

- But they're all swollen.

- Ah ah ah! No talking!

Oh, no, what-- does he want me?

What did I do? [siren wails]

What did I do?

I didn't do anything.

What's the speed limit here?

I was just keeping up with the traffic.

Oh, yeah.

Hi. Good evening, officer...

Jaro...Skeewee.

- Jaroszweicz.

- Are you sure?

So, uh, hi. What seems to be the problem?

- I had you at 55 in a 40.

License and registration, please.

- Uh, okay, sure. Sure. Registration, uh...

It's right around here somewhere I keep it.

Robert, why don't you tell this guy who you are

And what you do for a living?

So this is a 40, huh?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. Big road like this,

You'd think it'd be a 60,

Which case, I'd be going too slow, you know?

Then you'd have to pull me over for impeding traffic.

Ha ha.

- All right, sir. It's up to you.

Which ticket would you prefer?

- Uh, speeding would be fine.

- All right. Uh, excuse me, officer.

- Yes?

- Sergeant robert barone, nypd, 2-4 precinct.

- Oh, you're nypd?

- Yeah. This here's my kid brother, raymond.

I was dozing off, so I didn't notice he had such a lead foot.

But I'm going to keep a closer eye on him

From here on out, okay?

- Look, with all due respect,

We're pretty strict here with our laws,

So I got to write the ticket.

- But-- but I carry a shield.

- Then you should know better, officer.

- Hey, listen, I don't know

How you do things out here in the sticks, okay?

But in the city, cops look out for one another.

- I'm glad we had this conversation.

It gave me a chance to notice

Your brother's inspection sticker.

Now, I might just be a country bumpkin,

Don't know much about all that book learning and fancy numbers,

But near as I can figure, this looks like it's expired.

I'll be right back with another little present for y'all.

- Come on!

We're the good guys!

We're brothers in blue!

This is ray barone from "new york newsday"!

Come on!

- It's going to be 20, 25 minutes.

- Do they know who we are?

- Let me see what I can do.

Hi. I'm art shamsky.

- Hey.

No cuts.

- [singing] meet the mets

Meet the mets

Step right up and greet the mets

Bring your kiddies

Both: [singing] bring your wife

Guaranteed to have the time of your life

Because the mets are really socking the ball

Knocking those home runs over the wall

East side

West side

Everybody's coming round

To meet and greet the new york mets

Of new york town

- [singing] war!

- [singing] huh!

- Good god, y'all

Both: What is it good for?

- Absolutely nothing

- Say it again, y'all

- War! - Huh!

Good god, y'all

- What is it good for?

- Absolutely nothing

- Say it again