Original subtitles

- Maybe I shouldn't leave you alone here

For the weekend.

- No, no, no!

Come on, the kids.

The kids have to see their other grandparents.

Huh, we can't have them growing up

Thinking what's across the street is normal, right?

- Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

[parrot mimics ally]

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

[parrot mimics ally]

- Ahh...See?

I told you she'd love that doll.

- Yeah. Thanks a lot, ray.

That's going to be really fun all the way to connecticut.

- Aah! [parrot mimics ally]

- Man, I wish I was going.

- Can I ask you guys something?

When was the last time you cried?

- What do you mean? About sports?

- Something real. I mean, really cried.

- So nothing with sports?

- No, no. Like last week,

I was watching "honey, I shrunk the kids."

And the guy was looking for his shrunken kids,

And I cried...

'cause I didn't think my father would come looking for me.

- It wouldn't be hard to find you.

- Yeah, you just look under the cookie

That's moving across the floor.

- Nah... No, no, no.

No, guys, I know what he's talking about

With the crying thing.

You know, 'cause the other day,

I dropped my twins off at preschool.

And...I was watching them go in, you know,

And just as the door was closing,

I saw michael take geoffrey's hand.

And...

I don't know.

- I'm going home before you guys start making out.

- Yeah, I got to go.

It's getting late. I got to go.

- Well, wait! Wait!

- Hey, johnny, I'll tell you my cry story in the car.

- Great. That'll be my throw-up story.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about?

We're just getting started here.

- Ray, we've been here, like, four hours.

- Aw, come on, man. It's not even 11:00.

- Ray, I've been up since 6:00 a.M., I'm tired.

- Come on. What, you can't take it?

Huh? Ya wimps. What, you're not men?

- Ray, you're the one that just told us you cried

Because you think your twins are gay.

- That wasn't the point of the story!

- I don't want to know the point of the story.

- Hey, come on!

It's my one night of freedom here, guys.

Doug-- oh, come on!

- I probably should get going. I have to get up early.

- Oh? Is it getting late?

- Maybe not.

[doorbell ringing]

- What the hell is that?

It's 12:30-- not that that's late.

- Hey.

- Hey what? What do you want?

- No kids, no debra. Come on. What are we doing?

- Nothing. Thanks for stopping by.

- Come on! Come on!

Come on, man! I'm free here! I'm free!

Oh.

Hi.

- Hello.

I'm aileen.

- I'm ray...

Robert's brother. Yeah.

Uh, okay, sorry.

Look, you guys get back to, uh,

Whatever it was you were doing on the couch, and, uh,

We'll talk tomorrow-- not about what you did.

- Go now.

- Actually, robert, I better get going.

- No! Stay! - Yeah! Stay!

- Please, please stay.

- It really is getting late. Nice to meet you, ray.

I'll call you.

- Who, me? Oh, him! Yeah, him. Yeah.

Yeah, call him.

Yeah. Please. Please call him.

Oops.

- What the hell is wrong with you?

- I just-- I wanted to hang out.

I didn't know I'd be walking in

On "beauty and the beast."

- Since when do we hang out at midnight?

- What, I didn't want to go to bed yet, huh?

Why should I stay up in an empty house all night

When I can do whatever I want?

- Oh, you are unbelievable!

- I'm unbelievably ready to roll.

That's what I am. [chuckles]

- Wait a minute. Empty house?

- That's right. I'm free.

- Debra and the kids are away?

- Uh-huh. Hey! Hey, jacuzzi!

Jacuzzi!

[singing] jacuzzi, jacuzzi

Ja-ja-ja-jacuzzi

Bubbles in my heinie

Ooh, ooh

Bubbles...In...My heinie

Ooh

[pop]

What?

- You're afraid to spend the night alone.

- How do you get that from "bubbles in my heinie"?

- Ray, it's me you're talking to.

We used to share a bedroom. You get scared.

- What? You don't know what you're talking about; I do not.

- Yeah? Remember how long you had to keep

The popeye night light, scaredy-poo?

- Yeah, well, until popeye came along,

You had to keep the hallway light on.

- Only after one of dad's bedtime stories.

- Yeah, which was every night.

- Listen, if you're having trouble sleeping,

Just turn on the tv.

- I-I'm not having trouble sleeping.

I'm fine, okay? I'm not scared, robert.

- Yeah...

Listen to your big brother, okay?

Watch some tv.

Discovery channel, cubby.

Nature will put you right out.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Unless it's about monkeys, right?

- Wh-what's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing. I just, uh...

I remember a particular shoe tree in your closet

That had a shadow...

- All right.

- That you thought

Looked like a monkey holding an ax.

- Listen, I was ten years old,

And my shoe trees were big.

- Monkey holding an ax.

- Yeah. I'm over it now, raymond!

- You know what? It's none of your business.

And it's time for you to go! - [chattering]

- All right, get out of here. - Aah! Aah!

Good. This place is stupid.

- Yeah, oh, and, uh, good luck

In that big, dark house you're going to be all alone in.

Or are you?

- All right, that was something.

[deep voice] who is it there?

Now I can't hear the murderer.

- The mother decides to nurse its young

Under the cooling shade of a nearby tree.

Unfortunately, that decision will cost the gazelle its life.

[snarling]

- No, no, no.

Thanks, robert.

Stupid nature.

- [loud squawking] no, no, no!

[squawking]

- Friggin' doll.

- Hey.

- Oh, raymond. What are you doing up?

Can't you sleep, dear?

- No, no. I could sleep if I wanted to.

I just...

- Aww, you miss debra and the kids.

Aww... - Oh, yeah. Yeah, them.

So what are you doing still awake?

- I'm making tea for robert. - Robert?

- Yeah, they fumigated his apartment today,

And he can't go back home till tomorrow.

- Oh, really? - Yes.

He said they had army ants.

- Army... [chuckles]

- Well, what are you doing over here?

- Hey, I just had to walk across the street.

You had to drive here, officer barone.

- What are you talking about?

- Ray's scared. - Hey.

You're the one who's scared.

- What do you mean?

You're sick? You're in trouble?

Is someone bullying you?

- No, ma.

- Then what is it? What are you scared of?

- Being alone.

- You mean for the rest of your life.

- No, but thanks for bringing up that possibility.

- Then what is it?

- I-I-I don't know, ma.

You know, noises...

The dark, things in the closet.

Sometimes it creeps me out.

You know, raymond too.

- Hey, hey, hey, speak for yourself here.

- Hey, you're the one who came over to my place tonight.

- Yes, and, uh, there were no army ants.

- "oh! My house is empty.

"debra's gone.

Oh, no, I'm frightened."

- Shut up, ass of the world!

- You shut up, schmuck of the whole neighborhood!

- That's smaller, you idiot. - I know it's smaller!

- Stop! Stop! - [chattering]

- Stop!

Raymond, your brother is not a monkey.

There's nothing wrong with being a little frightened.

We all get scared sometimes, right?

- Ehh... - And there's no reason

Why you can't come over here every once in a while.

I mean, that's fine.

Doesn't it make you feel good

That there's a place to go if you're feeling scared?

Robbie?

- Yeah, I guess.

- Raymond?

- [screaming]

[screaming]

- Oh!

- Hello, ladies. - Oh.

Frank! - Jerk!

- Why did you do that? They're scared already.

- That's why I did it.

You're grown men, for god's sake.

What's wrong with you?

- Hey, hey, you're the one who started the whole thing.

- What the hell's that supposed to mean?

- What, you don't remember the stories?

Gargoyles in our closet

Or a big brother who's just waiting for me to fall asleep,

So he can steal my brain.

- Or a little brother who's half spider.

- [chuckles] half spider.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very funny, dad. Very funny.

- Give a break!

You asked for 'em.

"scare us, daddy. Tell us a scary story."

- We also asked to drive the car, you know?

I mean, you should know better.

You scared the hell out of us. We couldn't sleep.

- Yeah. A couple of times, we even wet our beds.

- I never did that.

- Frank... Look what you did to them.

- Don't give me that, marie.

You loved it when I scared 'em.

Then they'd come running to you,

And you could hug and cuddle

And slobber all over them.

- Hey, that was nice.

That's an actual good memory I have.

She'd calm us down.

- Yeah, she used to scratch my head.

That helped.

- I didn't like seeing my boys scared.

- Oh, yeah, hey, you got any of those, ma?

- Oh, sure, honey. Let me get them.

- I like the, uh, the pretzel-looking ones.

- And remember then we'd go upstairs to our room

To get away from him,

And then we'd talk about the mets

Till we fell asleep, huh?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I'm glad you were there, cubby.

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, me too. It was good.

- Yeah.

- Personally, I like leprechauns.

- What?

- Leprechauns.

Cute, harmless little irish guys.

And whenever I'd tell you guys a story,

I'd throw in a couple of leprechauns

And scare the bejesus out of you.

Hey, ray, how did I know

That little raymond was afraid of leprechauns?

- I don't know.

- Any ideas... Robert?

- Oh, dad, don't start pointing fingers, okay?

That's not going to work, right, ray?

- That's right.

How did he know about the leprechauns?

- I--I don't know, it wasn't me. Maybe it was ma.

All I know is that I couldn't serve you lucky charms.

- [high-pitched laugh]

He was me little spy!

- You told him.

- All--all right, yes, I did. I told him.

- Robert. - Why--why would you do that?

- Well, I liked when he told us the stories,

But I didn't want to get scared.

And I had no problem with leprechauns.

- Oh, great, great.

So you could sleep, and I could...

Stay up all night waiting for those little monsters

To come and take me to their nest.

- Nest? - That's right, nest.

- Hey, listen, I'm sorry, okay?

Don't think I didn't hate myself for it.

Don't forget, at that time,

I thought you might be half spider.

When I was running information to dad,

I think the guilt was the cause

Of my occasional bedwetting.

- All right. Look, whatever. It was a long time ago.

- Yeah, but it was wrong.

I mean, we're supposed to stick together, right?

- Yeah, well, brothers do those kind of things; it's all right.

- Not good ones.

- All right, listen.

I got to tell you something.

You never wet your bed.

I used to--

I used to wait until you fell asleep,

And then I'd pour a glass of water

In there with you.

- What?

- What?

- [chuckling]

- I-I didn't want to always look like a baby, you know,

Calling for mom when I was scared, and...

I knew that she would come if you wet your bed.

- I always wondered why it was up by your shoulders.

- I'm sorry, man.

I'm just--I'm sorry. Look, I was six.

I was under a lot of pressure.

- Oh-ho, you just did that, raymond,

'cause you wanted to be near your mommy.

- Well, ain't this a kick in the ass?

Everyone was so quick to blame me for all of this,

But look at you.

You've all got blood on your hands.

Now I'm going back to bed,

And I'm going to sleep the sleep of the just.

- All right, all right, I'm--I'm going home.

I'm going home.

This little exorcism wore me out.

Robert, come on, you can sleep on my couch.

- Good night, girls!

- Come on, let's go.

- All right, good night, boys. Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Not that there are bedbugs.

You're perfectly safe.

But make sure you lock your door...

- Got it, ma. - Because in the neighborho--

- Yeah, we know, thanks.

Hey, come on, come on, come on, come on.

- Whoa, what are you doing?

- Mom's making herself tea.

We can get dad. Come on, let's go.

He's still in the bathroom, man.

Come on, go. Go.

- This is so great.

- Yeah, get in, get in, get in.

Ha! Little payback time.

- Yeah. So how should we do it?

- We'll just-- we'll just jump out and scream.

- Yeah. Like, "we're going to get you,"

Or "we need blood," or "I got a hammer!"

- No, no, no, no.

Just--just scream, like "yah!"

- Yeah, good. Yah!

Whoo! - No whoo, just yah!

- Yeah. Yah!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- This is so fun, you know?

We got to do this more often.

- Yeah, we should do this a lot. - Yeah.

- Maybe the more we do it to him,

The less that we'll be scared. - Yeah, like therapy.

- Yeah, something like that, something like that.

Next time, we should get him in the shower.

[frank clears his throat]

- There he is! - Shut up, shut up, shut up.

- Okay, now when do we go?

- Shut up. We just wait.

Wait until he gets into bed.

- Yeah, good. Get comfortable there, old man.

Nice... Nice and relaxed.

- Come on, marie. What's with that face?

They're going to be fine.

- Oh, no, mom.

- Oh, I don't want to scare her.

- Damn it.

- Let's just walk out right now.

- No. No! No. No, we'll wait.

We'll wait till they fall asleep,

Then we'll sneak out. Damn.

- Hey, you know what we haven't done in a while?

- What? What haven't they done?

- Come over here.

- Oh, no.

Ohh, n-n-n-n-n-no.

- No, please don't, don't.

Don't-- don't go over there, ma.

Don't go, don't go, don't go, don't go, don't go.

- Ohh, yeah!

- We're in here! We're in here!

But, hey, we didn't see anything.

Both: We didn't see anything.

- We were in the closet. We were in the closet.

- Scared ya, huh?

- You're a sick man!

- What the hell is wrong with you?

- [chuckling]

- I'll tell ya--I'll tell ya what's wrong with him.

He's a sick man! You're a sick man!

- Sick man!

- You tried to scare me, huh?

Well, you mess with the bull, you get the horns.

- What's going on here?

- Got 'em again, marie. Terrified 'em.

- Oh, frank.

- He's a sick man, ma.

- I know. Did he scare ya?

- Uh-huh. - Aw, come on.

Let's go downstairs. All right?

I'll make you boys some cocoa,

And I still have the butter cookies,

And everything will be fine, honey.

I'll protect you from your mean, old daddy.

Isn't this nice? I love it.

- Scared myself a little.