Original subtitles

- Man, your building swings.

I have to go out to meet people.

- Yeah, where do you go?

- You know, wherever. Around.

- Yeah.

I never really got into that bar scene.

- Well, maybe you're going to the wrong bars.

Where do you hang out?

- Uh, mostly over at that place, uh,

Let's see, what's it called?

Um...

My brother's house.

- [laughs]

You are in a rut. - I'm not.

I'm just thinking the dating thing, you know,

Got to wear a nice shirt, do that "get to know you" stuff.

Talk about your family.

That's where I usually lose them.

- I'm meeting with some people tonight.

You want to go along?

- No, thanks.

I, uh, already committed to something else.

- You did not.

- I did too. I actually have dinner plans.

- With who?

- My friends. I've got friends.

You're not the only person with friends.

- Who are you having dinner with?

- You know, the--the guys.

Mike, geoff...

- You mean michael and geoffrey, your little nephews?

- Oh, you--you remembered their names.

- So judy, huh?

I didn't know you guys hung out.

- Well, we don't. Uh, I mean, we didn't.

Well, actually, this is the first thing

We're doing outside of work, other than target practice.

[doorbell rings]

Uh, that's probably her.

- Huh.

Well, this is nice, huh?

- Yeah. We're going to be alone.

- What are they, furniture?

- Wow! - You ready?

- Uh, I don't know. What are we doing?

- Going to etta's.

- Have I met etta?

- Etta's is a club.

- Oh, club.

- Hey, judy, come on in.

- Yeah, come on in. - Hey!

- Whoo! Look at you.

- Hey, hey, have you seen her? She's all sparkly.

- Yeah, so?

- So I don't look right.

- I'm afraid that's the hand you were dealt.

- My clothes, raymond.

I thought this was going to be casual.

If everyone's going to be all dressed up,

I--I'm not going to go.

- No, you got to go.

- Why?

- 'cause it's not nice to cancel

When people are expecting you to go.

- You're right, okay. It's not fair to judy, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, her too. Come on, go.

You'll have fun, man. You'll have fun.

- Okeydokey! - Okay.

- Let's, uh, roll.

- All right, be careful. - Have a good time.

- Okay, see you later.

- Oh, hello, there, judy.

- Hi.

- Hey, how are you?

You two going undercover to bust johns or something?

- No, dad, we're just going out.

- Going out?

Isn't that nice?

- Nice to see you, mrs. Barone, mr. Barone.

- Well...

Good night.

- Is there something you wanted?

- You know, they're just friends.

They're not dating or anything.

- Oh, well, I didn't think.

I mean, no, that's fine.

Of course, it wouldn't matter to me if they were dating,

Right, frank?

She's a very nice young lady.

And, uh--as a matter of fact, I wish they were dating.

I'd be very happy for them, heh.

In fact, I--I would love to know

How long this has been going on

Because I could have been happy this whole time.

- Yeah, even though she's black, right?

- Is she black?

[hip-hop music]

- Hey!

Come on!

- Boy, it-- it's crowded.

- Yeah, this place is on!

What's the matter?

- Uh, nothing, nothing,

I'm just not very good in social situations.

- Just chill out. Just be yourself.

You'll fit right in.

- Hey, what's happening, judy?

- What's up, boo? This is robert.

- Rob, rob, what's up, dog?

- Hi, there...Boo.

What, was that wrong?

- No, no, you cool. You cool.

Hey, sareesa, where you been?

- Oh, girl, just hangin', just working.

You know how it is.

- I know, trying to make those ends.

- Mm-hmm!

Or whatever.

- This is robert.

- Hi.

- I told you about him. He's my partner.

- Really? Got your cuffs?

- Calm down, sareesa, he just got here.

- Listen, um...

I'm not sure this is my...

Milieu.

- Don't you like dancing?

- Yeah. Yeah, in the kitchen.

I'm kind of like a kitchen dancer.

[coolio's "fantastic voyage"]

- Ooh, listen to that! That's my song!

- I hear it.

- Uh, you know, I had three or four pork chops tonight.

- Well, I want to dance, hear what I'm saying?

Your friend, your partner,

And your escort for the evening

Wants to get on deck.

I'm feeling it. Come on.

- No, no.

- Come on. - No.

- Barone, come on!

Are you going to kick it, or what?

- All right, I'll kick a little.

- All right, let's see what you got.

- [singing] you got to have heart, son, if you want to go

- Come on, come on.

You got it. You got it.

You got it.

That's right. Yes!

Yes, you got it.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes.

Whoo! Whoo!

- Hey, all right, all right! - Whoo!

All: Go, robert! Go, robert!

Go, robert! Go, robert! - It's your birthday!

All: Go, robert! Go, robert!

Go, robert! Go, robert!

- Now, that's cool. Let's loosen it up a bit.

- Yeah! - Come on!

A little love!

- Move back. - Hey.

- Forward. - All right.

- Whoo!

- [singing] come along and ride on a fantastic voyage

Slide, slide, slippity-slide

- Hey.

- Uh-huh.

Yeah.

- What's going on, ray?

- What are you doing?

- Ah, nothing, just here to help out ally

With her report on harriet tubman.

You know it's black history month.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Thank you...

Superfly.

- What?

- Nothing, it's just, uh, I never seen you so...

Stylin'.

- Just some new clothes, that's all.

Got to get out more, my brother.

- You having fun, huh?

- Yeah.

Judy and I and some of the crew,

We been hitting the clubs, that's all.

- Oh, yeah. You got a crew now?

- Word.

- Okay, I'm going to--I'm going to go get a ginger ale.

- A'ight. - Okay.

- Hey.

- See, frank, I told you it was him.

We saw your car out front.

Your father thought someone else was driving it.

- Nice suit.

Where's gladys and the other two pips?

- All right, dad.

- No, it's not all right.

What the hell is going on with you?

- Frank-- - don't frank me.

I'm talking to you on the phone the other day,

I can't even understand

What the hell you're saying anymore.

What did you call me "dog" for?

- That's a nice thing, dad. You say it to your friends.

That means I like you.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, from now on,

I'm calling you "jackass."

- Frank!

- Hey, what do you mean?

That--that means "he's great."

- Hey. - Hey, ugly.

- What?

What? What's that all about?

- That's robert-talk.

That means you're good-looking.

Hey, good-looking.

- You know, I should have expected this.

For once, I find some people,

People that I feel comfortable with,

And you, y'all want to put salt in my game.

- What?

- Oh, robbie, dear,

I am not adding salt here.

I-I support you 1,000%.

- Thanks, ma.

I'm going to use the phone. I got to call judy.

- Uh, you're going to call judy again?

So this is, like, uh,

Like a serious thing.

- We're just friends, ma.

But it's good to know you're down with it.

- You know, I really am down with it.

- How about being across the street with it?

- You got to talk to him.

- Look, relax, dad, all right?

It's like when he was eight years old,

He wanted to be an astronaut,

And he wore a pot on his head the whole time?

It's the same thing.

- It's fine with me

'cause I happen to have a very open mind.

- Yeah.

- Come on, jackass.

And I mean jackass.

- Oh, that is so wack.

- What?

- Well, tonight, judy and I were going to, you know,

Go to this club to hang out with our peeps,

And now she tells me

That she wants to go out to dinner,

Just the two of us.

- So?

- She said she wants it to be just us, so we can talk.

What does that sound like?

- Well, I don't know what it's called

In your new world,

But we--we call that a date here in honkyland.

- No, man, I can't date her.

- Sure, you can.

- No, no, she's my partner.

- So what?

- We've been on stakeouts,

We've raided crack houses.

She's like my sister.

- All right, so-- so tell her that.

- I can't hurt her.

You got to come with me.

- No way!

- Just--just be in the way, ruin our evening.

I'd do it for you.

- You're doing it now.

- What's up, j?

- Hey. - Hey.

- Listen, I hope you don't mind

That I, uh, brought raymond along.

- Well, I did think it was going to be just us.

- Yeah, well, see, he's never had soul food before,

And when I told him where I was going,

He begged me to come along, and he got all up in mine,

And I couldn't say no to the brother,

You know what I'm saying?

- Listen, ray,

I kind of wanted some time with robert alone.

- Oh, you're right.

No, okay, all right, I should go--

- No, no, ray, listen, you wanted soul food,

I'm going to hook you up, all right? Okay?

What's with the service around here?

I'm going to find the waiter. Okay.

- Rob--

- Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

- I like your brother a lot.

- Hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, biscuits. Hmm.

One, two, three, four, five. Five biscuits.

- [sighs]

We get along great, and he's a great partner,

But since we've been spending so much time together,

I've been feeling...

What's with you?

- Oh, nothing, nothing.

I'm just thinking that...

Robert!

R--

All right, listen, I think, uh,

I think robert just wants to be your friend.

- He doesn't want to be my partner anymore?

- What? No, no, no, no, he loves that.

He loves being your partner.

He just--he doesn't want to be your...

[whispering] boyfriend.

- Boyfriend? - Yeah.

- [cackling]

Boyfriend.

- Y-you're taking it very well.

- Boyfriend? - Yeah.

- Where'd you get that idea?

- From him.

- And where'd he get it from?

- From you.

You--you wanted to be alone.

You wanted to have a romantic evening,

And that's why I'm here.

- Oh, hey, I'm definitely not into that.

Listen, I just wanted to be alone with robert to tell him...

See, he's been hanging out with me and my friends a lot,

And it's getting to where he's acting...

He's getting to be a little bit too...

- Ethnic? - Yes!

- Yeah.

- He's trippin'.

- Yes. Yes.

What's up with that?

I mean, gosh.

- It's getting weird with my friends.

- Yeah.

I want to tell him to chill, but he's so sensitive.

He'll get all mopey.

- Ah, look, mopey.

He used to take medication just to get up to mopey.

- Hey, how about you tell him?

- No. Me? No, no, no, no, no.

I don't think that's a good idea.

- It'll be better coming from you.

- No, no, I--it won't be better from me, judy--

- Here we go.

- Sorry, robert, something came up.

I got to go.

- No, judy, please, don't--stay!

Oh, what is happening?

- What did you do? - Nothing.

Why'd you leave me here?

- She was going to talk.

- She did talk, and then I had to talk.

I hate that.

- What do you mean, you broke it to her?

- Well-- well, I tried to--

- Oh, man, I should have seen this coming.

She sits next to me every day.

I mean, it's bound to happen when...You all that.

- All right, see, that's the problem.

- What? - "you all that."

That's what judy wanted to talk about.

- What is?

- You! All that!

- What?

- Judy doesn't want to go out with you

Because you're black.

Robert, judy-- her and her friends,

They think that you're just--

You're putting on some kind of act.

- That is so wack.

- Right there.

See, that's what I'm talking about.

We're italian, robert, okay?

"wack" means something else to us.

- But they-- they were so cool.

I mean, right from the beginning,

They were totally cool with me.

I fit right in for once.

- Yeah, of course. In the beginning--

They liked you in the beginning

'cause you were just being you.

- Well, how long could that have lasted?

It's easy for you, raymond.

You fit in everywhere.

You're a 40-regular.

You know where I had to go for this suit?

- The little shop of horrors?

- That's right. Okay, I'm a freak.

I was a freak in school, I was a freak in my marriage,

I'm a freak in my own family.

- You're super-freaky.

- All right, raymond!

- I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I'm joking.

You're not a freak.

- Yeah, the only place I'm not is on the job.

I should never take off my uniform.

- Look, how long have you and judy been partners?

- I--I don't know, six years.

- And for six years, you drive around,

All you talk about is cop stuff?

- No, we talk about everything.

- Right, right.

And that guy who talks about everything,

That's-- that's her friend.

Not some cop, you.

Just you.

You were doing fine with-- with her

Until you thought you had to...

You know, you...

- I guess that's true.

- I speak the truth, home slice.

- So I don't fit in, right?

- Fit in. Who fits in?

- Yeah.

- So what do you want to do? Should we go home?

- Nah, we're here. Let's eat.

- Right, heh.

Home? What the hell's wrong with me?

We're out, we're out. Let's eat.

Heh. "home," I said.

- You know who are an interesting people?

The hasidic jews.

- No, robert.

- What, a person can't make an observation?

- [singing] fantastic voyage

Slide, slide, slippity-slide

When you're living in the city, it's do or die

Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage

Slide, slide, who ride?

You better be ready when the five roll by