Original subtitles

- Hey.

- Hi, honey.

You want some eggs?

- Don't listen to her.

It's not eggs.

It's that fake-egg crap.

- It tastes exactly the same.

- Yes, exactly like crap.

- Why are you making fake eggs?

- Well, your father and I went

To the senior health fair yesterday.

- Senior health fair?

What are the rides there?

The complain-a-go-round?

Tunnel of gas?

- We had our cholesterol checked,

And the both of us are very close to the danger zone.

- Mine was lower than hers.

- One point lower.

- I'm still gonna live longer than you.

- What, 30 seconds?

- 30 seconds in paradise.

- All right, listen, romeo and juliet.

I'm gonna--

I'm gonna borrow a garbage bag.

- What do you mean "borrow"? You're gonna give it back?

- All right, I'm stealing a garbage bag.

- What the hell is that?

- It's milk for your coffee.

- That's not my milk. - Yeah, that's regular milk.

- Not in that blue carton, it's not.

Give me that!

Skim!

- It's better for you.

- Don't give me "better."

Look, it's not even mixing.

The coffee doesn't even recognize it.

- If you don't drink that, I-I'm gonna--

- What? What are you gonna do?

Leave me?

Hey, ray, wait a second.

One moment, son.

- Oh, frank!

- Hey, get-- get another bag.

Your mother needs to pack.

- Frank!

The young man at the health fair said that you shou--

- The stupid health fair!

I go in there looking for a chocolate cone

At the drug store, and the next thing I know,

I'm getting my blood pressure taken.

- My blood pressure was better than yours.

- But I won the eyesight thing.

- So, what, did you have the cholesterol check

To break the tie?

- Yeah, and I won.

- We're waiting for the urine test.

I could still tie if your father has high blood sugar.

- Until then, I'm eating what I want,

And I want real eggs and real milk.

- Well, then you better go to ihop, because from now on,

We're eating healthy in this house.

Give me that.

- What are you doing?

- Sour cream. - No!

- Bacon. - No!

- Cheese.

- What, are you gonna rip my heart out?

- Lasagna.

- Hey, I could have that, ma.

- Butter,

Aha, chocolate cake,

And cannolis.

All right, there.

That's it.

- Thank you!

- Where are you going?

- On a picnic.

Out with the old bag,

In with the new!

- See, and look, you never have to use butter.

They have olive oil in a spray now.

Smell--smell this.

- Ooh! Nice!

- Mm-hmm.

- Mmm.

- You put a little of that behind your ears,

Frank will be all over you.

- You think?

- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, pinky.

- Raymond, debra's teaching me

So much about cooking.

- You're learning cooking from debra?

Oh, okay, so heaven is here.

Hell is here.

It's raining monkeys, and wood is now a drink.

- And look at this book debra gave me,

101 healthy things to do in the kitchen.

- In this kitchen,

The healthiest thing to do is leave.

Ooh.

Debra's cooking, yay!

Yay, yay, yay!

- Boy, I wish I had started this years ago.

I feel so snappy and peppy.

- Ma, I thought you were doing this just to annoy dad.

- That's a bonus.

- Oh, marie, come here.

Look, here's that section,

"how to enjoy a low-fat thanksgiving."

- Ooh, hoo, thanksgiving.

- Yes.

- Oh, I can't wait to make some of these things.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not going to do this for thanksgiving?

- Especially thanksgiving.

- Well, you're still going to make

The real food for us, though, right?

- I guess I could.

- No, no, ray,

Your mother's not going to cook two separate meals.

- Why not?

Huh?

She loves to cook, debra.

Who are you to take that away from her?

- Look at this.

A tofu turkey?

- Yeah.

That looks good, huh?

- I would rather eat that page.

- Oh, it says here you need a special mold

To shape the tofu into a turkey.

- No, you don't need a mold, ma.

Okay, god does that.

Yeah.

He takes a whole bunch of bird meat,

And he molds it into a turkey.

- Come on, ray.

- I'm quoting the bible here, debra, okay?

- Don't worry, raymond.

It'll be delicious,

Like everything else that I cook.

- [groans]

- Oh, I promise.

I'm not going to leave out

The most important ingredient.

- Turkey?

- Love.

- Love?

- You'll live.

- Okay, we're ready.

Here's the steamed veggies with fresh lemon juice.

- Ahh, marie, this looks fantastic.

- And I'll be right back with the tofu turkey.

- Mmm, is that what I'm smelling?

Bring it out here, ma.

Tofu turkey.

I could be sitting in my apartment

Eating beef-a-roni right now.

- Okay, come on, frank.

We're ready.

- I pass.

- Okay, frank, listen.

Marie has cooked a very nice meal for everyone,

And you are going to sit at that table and eat it.

- But I don't want to. - We are not discussing this.

You have till the count of three; one...

- I'm not going. - Two.

- All right. All right.

- Good.

Okay.

So, see?

This is a family.

- Ta-da!

- Ooh!

Kids, look.

Look what grandma made!

Huh?

- How about that, huh?

Look how it jiggles.

Of a good bean curd bird right there.

- May I have my carving knife, please?

- Thank you, frank.

- I want to slit my throat.

- All right, I got it. I got it.

All right, what do you want?

- Give me a leg.

- Okay.

All right, here, we got--

Look, we got-- here's your choices.

We got the light-- light over here.

We got dark where the food coloring has puddled.

- All right, just give me the spoon.

- It's not food coloring.

It's worcestershire and beet juice.

- Oh, see?

That's very clever.

- Why didn't you bring your dog, robert?

- I don't think shamsky would eat this.

- Yeah, but we could eat him.

- Go ahead, robbie.

Try some.

- What about raymond?

- I had some already.

- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did.

- No, you didn't. - I did.

I did, from right here.

You can't tell, 'cause it morphs back.

- All right, all right.

We are all eating some.

- Frank.

Swallow it.

Ray, ray.

- Go ahead, robert.

- I never thought I'd say this,

But could you pass the broccoli, please?

- Actually, I think it's very tasty.

You just have to make an adjustment.

Right, debra?

- Kind of starts out with an aftertaste, doesn't it?

- It has an authentic turkey flavor.

And the good thing is,

You don't fall asleep after this meal.

- That's all I had left.

- It's jell-o!

- Shh! Don't do that.

[doorbell rings]

- I'll get it!

- Well, who could that be?

- Hopefully the angel of death.

- Barone? - Yeah.

- Happy thanksgiving from the red bonnet inn.

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

- What is this?

- A complete holiday dinner with all the trimmings.

- It's the angel of mercy!

- This must be a mistake.

- You ordered this, frank.

- Why do you assume it's me?

- Because you're the one who wants to kill me.

- Okay, but I still didn't order this.

- Well, who did?

- Not me, ma.

This melts in your mouth.

- I would've left it across the street,

But I can't leave perishables.

Is there a ray barone over here?

- Oh,

Boy.

Here, take this.

You don't want to have to testify.

Go.

- Raymond.

- Gobble, gobble, gobble.

- You ordered this?

- Yes, for a snack at my house,

Later, later, after this delicious meal.

Huh?

Hey, you know what? We didn't say grace yet.

Huh? Come on, everybody, grace time.

[grunts]

Oh, lord, bless us and these, thy gifts--

- Ray-- - debra, please.

Which we are about to receive,

And, you know, thanks a lot.

Your friend, ray barone.

- Let's eat!

- Oh, god, is that chestnut stuffing I smell?

- What is wrong with you people?

Can't you stop thinking of yourselves for one minute?

- Corn muffins!

- Do you know how much this has hurt your mother?

- I wasn't going to have it now, okay?

I didn't want to hurt her. I know how she feels.

Hands off my bird, come on.

- I'll take care of this.

You go in there and talk to her.

- I can't talk to her now.

She's all upset.

- Listen, she's trying to do something

For herself for a change,

And the least you can do is support her.

- Yes, isn't it time you thought of someone else

Besides raymond?

- Yeah, thanks, robert.

You got a little of my stuffing on your chin there.

- Hey, where you going with that?

- I don't know.

Maybe I'll give it to the homeless.

- The homeless?

They're chowing down in some mission,

The lucky bastards.

- Listen, ma, you can come back in now.

Everything's better now.

Debra took away all the bad food.

I mean, the restaurant food.

All right?

So come on, come on.

Come on back in.

Come on, come on back, ma.

Come on.

Hey, is this your soy cheesecake, huh?

Boy, it looks great.

Ack!

All right, I don't want to eat that dessert now,

'cause that's going to ruin the dinner.

I--all right, ma, look, look.

About the ordering out thing--

- I know.

I'm sorry.

- What?

- I know how much you love my thanksgiving dinner,

And I should have made it for you.

- Well, no, no, you got to stick to your thing--

- No, you're my son,

And I let you down.

I'm sorry.

- You know what, mom?

That's okay.

It's okay.

All right, stop it, stop!

Don't do that.

You're letting me off the hook.

Don't let me off the hook.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Come on, I'm supposed to be supportive.

- No, no, I got too wrapped up in all this diet business,

And I forgot what was important,

Cooking for my family.

- Listen.

- [crying]

- You're important too, you know?

The special diet,

Living longer, whatever.

That's important to me.

- You're sweet, dear.

- No, no, look.

You should do something for you,

And if this is what makes you happy,

Then you should do it, and I back you up.

- Oh, raymond!

- All right, all right, now you back up a little.

- Oh! - All right.

- Oh, thank you, raymond.

This means the world to me.

- I know.

- Come here!

- No, it's all right, ma, come on.

Let's go, let's go.

Let's get in there, huh? - Okay.

All right, everybody,

We're having mom's thanksgiving.

Save room for cheesecake.

[clanging]

- Where am I?

- Ma.

- I had the strangest dream.

- Oh, come on, ma.

- All right, I was hungry.

I'd offer you some, but I don't want to.

- Mom, what about your diet? Come on, I was supporting you.

[beeping]

- You said I should do whatever it was

That makes me happy.

- Yes, I did, but I-- [stammering]

- Well, you know what makes me happy?

Butter.

Butter makes me happy.

- Yeah.

[laughing]

Mmm!

Oh, mmm!

This is good for restaurant food.

- What about your cholesterol, huh?

The danger zone?

-I'm close to the danger zone.

When I get into the danger zone,

I'll worry about it.

Besides, it's thanksgiving.

- Well, the least I can do

Is keep you from eating it all yourself.

Come on. Let's sit.

Come on, you want to sit?

- Yeah. - Here.

- Okay. - Oh, yeah.

- [laughing]

Oh, boy. Want some of that?

Here's potatoes.

Those are great.

- Aha!

I said, "aha!"

- What are you doing here?

- I rolled over in bed and suddenly there was

No great wall of marie to stop me.

So much for your willpower.

- You going to talk or you going to eat?

- I'm in.

- Hey, I was cruising by. I saw dad come--

Hey.

I get it.

Put out the tofu and the brussels sprouts for robert,

Wait till he goes on shift, and then party!

- Here, sit down.

Shut up.

- Thanks.

- Take breaths, dad. Take breaths.

- Want some gravy, raymond?

- Yup. Yup, yup, yup, yup.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, bring it on. What have you got there?

- Here we go. How's that?

- What's going on here?

- We're being supportive.

- But what about your diet, marie?

- What's the point in living longer

If you're miserable, dear?

- You know, I think that every day.

Can I have one of those rolls?

- Uh-huh!

- Take a corn muffin too. - Oh, muffins?

Okay, I'll get one of each.

- This is very true. - Just because the--

- Is it thanksgiving again?

- Yeah, yeah.

This is the good one.

Come on.

Pick him up.

We're gonna have some turkey.

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

Twins: Gobble, gobble, gobble.

- Yeah.

- Cranberries. Did you try these?

Here, have a little-- - thank you, sweetheart.

- That's good.