Original subtitles

- Of course I miss ya, ma.

Why do you say it like it's a negative thing?

Okay, okay. I'm not that happy.

All right, I'll see ya later, ma.

I mean...

[sounding dejected] I'll see ya later, ma.

[jazzy swing music plays]

Take it, shamsky.

[knocking on door]

Just a minute.

- Happy new home!

- Hi, amy.

- Mmm, peanut butter.

- That's how I get shamsky to kiss me.

Beat it, shamsky.

- I brought you a friend. - Thank you.

And welcome to the happiest place on earth.

- Look.

Look at the balcony with the sliding doors.

- Yep, sliding doors.

Slide open, slide closed. Whatever you want.

- Oh, robert, look at the adorable dishwasher.

- Where? Oh.

- You know, I was starting to think that this

Was never going to happen.

- What?

- You moving out of your parents' house

And everything finally moving forward.

- Yeah, it's exciting.

You know what else I need around here?

Ice cube trays.

- I'm talking about us, yogi.

The plan.

- Oh, right. Yeah.

- Hey, um, maybe the couch should be facing the window.

What do you think?

- Uh...

I really don't like facing the window.

You know, snipers.

And then it'd be hard to see the tv.

- Oh, we're keeping the tv in the living room?

- No, no.

That's just where I set it down...

And plugged it in...

And hooked up the cable.

- You know what's really gonna pull this room together?

Some nice curtains.

- Curtains.

- Yeah. What's the matter?

- No, nothing. Curtains.

You want curtains.

- But don't you want curtains?

I want you to want to have curtains.

And aren't they going to be our curtains?

After we...You know.

- Buy the curtains?

[knock at door]

- Hey. - Oh, crap.

- Thanks.

You might want to cinch that robe.

You got a little fruit coming out of the loom.

- I can't go.

- That's okay. I'm not in the mood for golf.

Mind if I hang out for a little while?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Then I can take a shower at least.

- I was gonna say...

- Well, I haven't had a chance

Because I've been waiting all day

For debra's damn curtains!

- Curtains.

What is it with the curtains?

Amy's got a thing with the curtains, too.

What's with the curtains? - Oh, tell me about it.

I'm sitting here in my own filth for three hours

Waiting for curtains

While debra's off at all kinds of parties.

- Parties?

- Yeah, yeah, this is my life now.

I'm a hostage.

I'm trapped inside these four...

All the walls here in this area!

- What do you mean "hostage"?

- I'm a hostage! Look at me.

I'm trying to blink you a message.

Huh?

- Come on, what are you saying?

You're not happy?

- I'm happy.

I'm as happy as she lets me be.

I sleep when she lets me sleep.

I eat what she lets me eat.

The only reason she keeps me alive

Is to open jars and kill bugs.

- I know you, raymond.

You wouldn't trade this for anything.

- I'll trade it all right now for a pack of cigarettes.

- All right, I can see I caught you on a bad day.

- Oh, it's every day.

- Every day? I was at your wedding.

I was there when you brought home your little girl,

Your twin boys.

- Yeah, okay, there's some perks.

That's how they hook you.

You know what I'm doing tomorrow night?

I'm going to see a movie.

- So what's wrong with that?

- Debra's movie.

Yeah, the one with the mother who has the disease

And the daughter who learns to care about the mother

Who has the disease.

Yeah, yeah.

Huh, who wants to see that sniffle bag?

I want to see the one,

The one with the guy with the guns and the car chases

And the nudity that has no meaning!

- I saw that one. It was good.

- Sure, rub it in.

Why don't you spank a supermodel in front of me?

- All right, I'll see you later, ray.

- Yeah, all right, if I'm allowed.

Just tell the world I'm still in here.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Doug.

- Hey, ray. Saved the best for last.

- I can't believe it's you. I was just hatin' you.

- Yeah, I get that a lot.

But I brought you the thing you've been waiting for,

So how do you feel now?

- Oh, now I love you. - Easy.

- Hey, you're off now, right?

- Mm-hmm.

- Want to go play some golf?

- Oh, man, I would l-- oh, I can't.

I gotta get home.

Gotta go shopping with my wife.

- Hey, auntie em.

Oh, yeah. That smells good.

- Dinner will be ready in a couple of minutes.

Can you open that jar for me?

- [grunts] there you go.

- Thanks.

Oh, and listen,

There's this big spider up in the bathtub.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

- I hope he's not using all the hot water.

[both chuckle]

- I need you to kill him for me later

'cause that's why I keep you around here.

You want some water with that?

- Yeah, all right. Thank you.

- There you go, bread and water.

A meal fit for a hostage.

- [laughs] hostage.

Did robert tell ya that I was--

- Amy told me.

- Amy? - Yeah.

- Well, how did she find out?

- She heard it from robert

Right before they broke up.

- Oh, my god. They broke up?

Why?

I better get the bug.

- Sit down.

Who are you to give robert

Or anybody else, for that matter, marital advice?

- I'm nobody. I didn't.

What? What happened?

- Amy called me up cryin', all upset.

She said robert started acting all weird

When she tried to talk to him about their future.

And when she finally pinned him down,

He started in with this prison talk.

That he could commit to her just now.

- He broke up with--

- No, she broke up with him.

She's been going out with him for two years,

And this is the return she gets on her investment?

"oh, gee, things are moving kind of fast.

Maybe we should pull back and give each other some space."

- That sounds reasonable.

- It's not reasonable!

Do you know how hard it is for a woman

To get a guy like robert to commit?

And then you-- you come along,

His happily married brother--

- Yes, yes, very happily. - Yeah, yeah.

And instead of telling him how lucky he is

To have amy at all

And how wonderful marriage can be,

You dig him a hole and read him his last rites!

- I didn't-- I didn't read him anything.

I was just--I was making stuff up, that's all.

- Well, what was this advice

That you gave him, dr. Love?

- Nothing. There was no advice.

He didn't come to me for advice.

- So you just volunteered these theories?

- I was just waiting for curtains!

- This is what you think of our marriage?

- No, no-- - yes, it is!

You wish you were like robert.

- What?

- I remember you saying, "oh, lucky robert.

Robert gets to golf and blah, blah, blah, blah."

No wonder you said all that stuff to him.

- I didn't-- I wasn't. I--

I was joking.

Honey.

Jokes.

Listen, okay, I know what happened.

Robert tried to do my jokes.

That's all.

Yeah.

You know, and he's not really...Funny.

He's too big.

There's no lightness about him.

You know, when I did it, it was just--

It was funny and cute.

You would've laughed at it, you know.

It was--you know, "hey, hey, I'm a hostage!

"oh! Hey, oh.

"this is crazy. This is crazy.

"what's going on? I'm a hostage.

"hey!

"clinkity-clink-clink-clink. Clinkity-clink-clink-clink.

"hey, whoa, look at my beard!

My beard's so long."

All right, it's not my funniest stuff.

You know, it's not belly laughs.

It's just--it's more--

It's observational.

But not this, not observing this.

Just things I've heard.

I... I love you.

- Let go of me.

- No.

Ahh, witnesses.

You kill me, you gotta kill them too.

- How dare you? - Oh, boy.

- You just can't stop ruining your brother's life,

Can you?

- I didn't do anything.

- First you drive him out of my home.

Now you take away my grandchildren.

- What?

- If you hadn't interfered,

They would've gotten married,

And amy would've had four children right away.

That's what we talked about.

- She had good hips, that one.

- I put two years into that girl.

When I first met her, she didn't even want children.

Now it's all gone

Because robbie talked to this one.

- You've upset your mother.

She came to me looking for comfort.

I'm not set up for that.

- I'm kidding.

I'm just kidding.

I was--I'm joking.

That's-- you know, men do that.

We joke around about stuff like--

Like marriage, right, dad?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Come on.

Like how about when you joke about

How you wish a tidal wave

Would come and sweep mom out to sea?

- I have never been more serious

About anything in my entire life.

- This man is a hostile witness.

Look, all right, look.

Just maybe it's not a permanent thing.

Maybe they just-- they had a bad day.

Right? That happens.

Couples have bad days.

- You're about to have some.

- Hey.

I'm glad you're all here together

Because I have an announcement to make.

And you might as well hear it from me.

Amy and I...

- We already heard she dumped you.

- Look at him.

No wife, no children.

Pathetic.

- Thanks for the kind words.

Uh, got some of amy's stuff here.

I thought it'd be better if you gave it to her.

- Robert, I think you might've misunderstood ray

When he was talking to you.

Right, ray?

- Yes, that's it, ray. Fix it.

Make him fix it, frank.

- Fix it. Get your mother off my back.

- What are you talking about?

- Robert...

How long have we known each other?

- Just get to it.

- Look, the other day, I guess you came over here

Looking for advice about marriage,

And I wasn't really talking to you, you know?

I was just kind of being funny.

- When were you funny?

- You know, the hostage thing, spanking a supermodel.

- What?

- But listen, what I forgot to say

When I was telling all those stupid, stupid jokes was--

Was all the good things about marriage.

You know, there's just so much good...

About this.

It's like it's almost hard to start.

- Raymond, look--

- No, no, I'm gonna get this.

Okay, here's something.

You know how when you're sleeping

And you--you kind of stop breathing?

When you're married,

There's always someone there to nudge you alive.

All right, I don't know what I'm talking about.

Look, look, this is marriage.

You wake up in the morning, and she's there.

You come home at night, and she's there.

You eat, she's there.

You--you go to sleep, there.

And I know that sounds like a bad thing...

But it's not.

It's not.

Not if it's the-- if it's the right person.

Then it's good. It's...Good.

It's really, really good.

- I would like a minute for rebuttal.

- If I were you,

I wouldn't stop breathing in my sleep.

- Okay, bad example.

But you know what I'm saying, robert?

- Of course he does, don't you, robbie?

- Sure. Yeah, I understand.

I'll just call amy up,

And we'll get back together, and we'll get married,

And we'll have the four grandchildren,

And everyone will be happy.

- Great. Who's hungry?

- I'm not doing that!

What do you think,

Just because raymond says marriage is good,

That that's all I need?

Raymond is not the reason amy and I broke up.

- But you and amy were doing fine

Until he screwed things up.

- See? Always there.

- I don't need any more advice, okay?

I have my own reasons

For not wanting to get married just yet.

- All right, what?

- You really wanna know, ma?

Part of it is I've lived with you for most of my life.

I've never been on my own.

And now I finally get my own place,

And amy's already bringing me plants.

I love amy, but I'm not ready for plants.

- I think you're being selfish, robbie.

- Good. It's about time.

'cause this is my life, not yours, not yours, not yours,

And not even raymond's!

Raymond had nothing to do with this decision.

I made it. Me.

And if you think I made a mistake, I don't care!

That's right.

Because I'm in charge of me now.

And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going home to my home,

The crowne view apartments, unit 9f!

It still says "chung" on the buzzer downstairs,

But that's me!

- Do you see what you did?

- Hey, are you all right?

- No.

Amy--amy's my best friend, and robert--

You know, I introduced them.

I was gonna be matron of honor at their wedding,

And they were gonna toast me and...

Now they both hate me.

- Hey, you did introduce them.

So if you think about it,

It's all really your fault.

- No, it's not.

- Look, I don't know why you're mad at me.

I said some very nice things today.

- [sighs] you're right.

You were very touching.

You know, it is nice, every once in a while,

For a wife to hear that her husband

Wants to spank a supermodel.

- I don't want to.

Sometimes they're naughty.