Original subtitles

Huh? - It's nice, nice, yeah.

- Yeah. - That's nice.

- No, no-- don't touch it!

The glue's not dry yet. I made it for the auction.

- What auction?

- The auction, ray.

You know, it's all I've been talking about

For the past month, right?

I'm on the organizing committee.

The auction for ally's school,

For the playground equipment?

The auction!

- I know. I remember.

I remember. The auction.

You're on the committee for the playground equipment.

It's all you've been talking about...

I listen to you!

- Excu--excuse me? Excuse me.

Um...Hi.

Welcome to our lady of faith's auction night.

Uh, I'm debra barone.

[applause]

[laughs]

Hi, mary.

Um...

Um, well, we're gonna start the live auction

So this is your last chance to sign up for the silent one.

And I hope everybody's having a lot of fun.

[applause]

Thank you.

- Frank, you're bidding on a pedicure?

Why are you signing up for all these things?

- Leave me alone.

I'm just trying to drive the prices up.

- You're just trying to be a big shot.

On one little thing that you really like--

- Hey, hey, hey...

Silent auction!

- I can't do this.

Why did I let her talk me into this?

I don't want to be in front of people.

I don't want to be no stinkin' auctioneer.

- You gonna eat that spumoni?

- Hey, ray, it's time. Come on.

- Listen, no.

Why--why doesn't robert do it?

He's tall. He's got a good voice.

- Yeah, they'd hear me.

- You should do it. You can talk...

- Yeah, okay. Just speak.

- You have a--

Uh, hi.

Hi, everybody.

I guess it's time for the live auction.

I'm ray.

I'm ray, the auction guy,

And, uh...

How about a hand for the roast beef, huh?

Let's hear it for that roast beef!

I guess-- what, are the rest of you

Veterinarians or something?

I mean vegetarians.

Uh, anyway, listen, we're here for the kids

Because--'cause they're the future,

And they deserve--they deserve a new playground, really,

So they can slide and swing upside down and...

Break their necks.

- Just start.

- Okay. Uh, here we go.

We're gonna start with the, uh-- with the jewelry box,

Where you, uh...

- Put your jewelry.

- You put your jewelry right in that.

And we'll start the bidding at...

What?

- 20. - Dollars?

Yeah. $20! $20.

Who's gonna bid $20

For this fine piece of craftsmanship?

It's finely crafted by a fine craftsman

Who I happen to sleep with.

Sorry.

Uh...So, 20, that's all.

Let's start the bidding at $20.

It's a fine piece. Look at the fine drawers.

$20. It's...

15.

How about $15? Whoop.

Do I hear $3 for this finely, finely crafted

Pile of rubble almost?

Who's got a bag?

If you got a bag, you can have it.

Oh, a mercy bid, right there!

Thank you.

Thank you, officer barone!

You can lock up your tiny little prisoners in there.

[chuckles]

Although I think it's gonna be easy for them to get out.

Yeah, everything my wife touches falls off,

So you can guess how scared I am.

Yeah.

Hey, puddle pants.

Give gumby some pokey.

Whoa.

I don't want to say that was cold,

But if your mouth opened, a little light would come on.

- I'm just not really in the mood, okay?

- Come on...Come on, not in the mood.

Tonight was great, huh?

The kids got the new playground,

And I got the golf thing.

You got to go home with the auctioneer, huh?

So...Who's in the mood?

Hey, do I hear "in the mood"?

- Aren't you afraid if I touch it, it'll fall off?

- Hmm.

That was a good joke, wasn't it?

That was good.

People asked me if I planned that, you know?

I said, "no, I just came up with it like that."

- You're a brilliant farceur.

- Come on.

Oh, I know... You're mad at the jokes.

- You just couldn't stop, could you, ray?

- I was killing 'em.

I was killing 'em. It was great.

That box falling apart,

That was the best thing that could've happened.

That broke the ice.

- Well, you embarrassed me.

- No. It was all fun. Come on.

I tell you, people thought that we did it on purpose.

- I felt... Humiliated.

- Oh, well, don't feel humiliated.

- Don't tell me how to feel.

- But you're wrong.

- There's no right or wrong, ray.

This is how I feel.

You cannot tell me not to be humiliated.

I just am!

- Okay, all right. Feel humiliated.

- Well, I don't anymore.

- Okay. All right. Good, good.

- Now I'm just angry, you know?

I mean, I can't believe-- I can't believe--

You--you know, it's bad enough what you did to me tonight,

But you don't even care how I feel about it, you know.

All you care about is how well you did, you laugh whore.

- Maybe you should go back to being humiliated.

Come on. What are you--

Don't be such a bad sport.

- What if you were me? What would you do?

- I would laugh at all my husband's jokes,

Strip off my clothes, have my way with him,

And then put on tv.

- Keep dreaming.

- I would--I'd be so naughty.

I-I might even talk dirty. Ooh!

- So let me get this straight.

What you did to me tonight wouldn't bother you?

- Bother? Come on, I would be flattered.

- Oh, yeah? All right, we'll see.

- What? What?

What do you mean "we'll see"?

- None of your business.

- Oh...

What are you gonna do,

Try and get me or something?

- Let's just say prepare to be flattered.

- Come on.

You know, they say couples shouldn't go to bed angry.

- I'm not angry anymore, ray. Good night.

- Oh, you're not angry anymore?

I might not believe you.

You might have to prove that.

Oh...Okay, I see.

That's how you're gonna get me, holding back sex?

Oh, yeah, how original.

You think that's gonna get me?

I'm a sex camel.

Holding back sex.

Sex camel... That's a good one.

Sex camel.

I should write that one down. I really should.

- Laugh it up, funnyman.

- Okay, what?

What, you think I'm scared now?

I'm not scared, girlie. Huh?

You hear me? I'm not scared.

I'm not scared.

Ah! Oh! Ow! Mommy!

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just a little temporary blindness.

- Listen, ray, you know,

I was thinking about the auction last night

And, uh, all the jokes that you made,

And, you know, I was taking myself too seriously.

You were right. So I just want to apologize.

- Really?

- Yeah, yeah.

You know, because the fact is,

You were just a great auctioneer,

So, you know, thank you.

- What about you saying that you were gonna get me back?

- Oh, that was just in the heat of the moment, you know.

I'm not gonna get you.

- I want juice.

- What do you say, ally?

- Puh-lease.

- You want something, ray?

- Juice is good. Please.

- You know, there's really only enough left for ally.

Do you want something else? How about soda?

- Soda? What, for breakfast?

- It's all we have, so...

- All right.

- Mommy, may I have a soda, please?

- Well, that was a very nice way

To ask for it, ally.

No, honey.

- Wait a minute.

You shook this, didn't you?

- What? No.

- Come on. Soda for breakfast.

You want this to explode in my face.

- Why would I want that?

- Uh, we all know why.

Huh? Soda in my face...

Ben gay in my shorts...

Ex-lax in the brownies.

I went to camp.

- I'm not gonna get you, ray.

- How about the grapefruit?

- What, you think I rigged a grapefruit

To squirt in your eye?

- Doesn't really sound like a denial.

- Listen, I'm telling you, I'm not going--

- I know you're telling me you're not

So I will think you will not...

But I am not that big an idiot.

- Ray, nothing's going to happen,

So just drink your soda.

- You drink it. - I don't want it.

- Aha! Yeah.

Hey, how about... I'll give it to ally.

- I don't want her having soda for breakfast.

- Just to open for me.

- Okay, go--fine.

- Yeah, you would do that?

You would let it explode in your own daughter's face,

Your own flesh and blood.

- Go ahead. Go ahead.

- What kind of mother are you?

- The kind of mother who's gonna be awarded custody

When they take you to the booby hatch.

Ally, go get dressed, honey.

- Debra, what kind of con game are you running?

- It's your own fault, frank.

Who told you to sign up for all those things?

- I didn't expect to win this crap.

- It's not crap, frank.

- Oh, yeah?

$80 for the use of a canoe.

That is... Floating crap.

- Some people would consider a canoe ride romantic.

- Guess you didn't see "deliverance."

- Ray, you gonna drink this or what?

- Oh, okay.

Yeah, you got your audience now, right?

Everybody-- see, I open the--wssh!

Yeah, big laugh on raymond.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

No, dad. Dad, no--

- What's your problem?

- See? I told you.

- Yeah, you did.

Of course, of course, of course.

Why would you settle for soda?

That's not satisfying.

You see me spill soda on myself every day.

It's gonna be much bigger than soda, isn't it?

My car...My job...

My most intimate of areas.

I'm watching you.

I'm watch--

- Okay. I'll give him the message.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

- Oh, hi, honey.

- Hi, that was clarence,

The guy who's coordinating your celebrity golf thing.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, he said you should use

The west entrance of the country club.

- West entrance. Okay, got it.

- And bring your rubber spikes

Instead of the metal ones.

- Really? Okay, thanks.

- Okay.

- You see that? She's evil.

- What?

- I told you.

I told you. It's bigger than soda.

That--ooh, that's where it's all going down,

At the pro-am.

- Oh, you mean where she's gonna get you?

- Shut up!

Yes, of course. It's perfect.

She's always been jealous of my golf.

She knows how much I love it

And how much time and money I spend on it.

She wants to humiliate me with my mistress.

I know her, man.

I know her. I am hip to her jive.

But--but she's hip to me, too, so that's why--

Listen, you got to go in there and find out what she's up to.

- How?

- Do what cops do. I don't know.

Just get the truth.

Make her talk before she lawyers up.

Come on, just-- use the big light.

- What are you--loopy?

She's your wife. She's not gonna humiliate you.

- I don't have time to explain marriage to you.

Please. Come on, just go do it.

Hey...

Debra's soda. Okay.

- Are you gonna get raymond?

- No.

- What? What? What?

- She's not gonna get you.

- How do you know?

- 'cause I said, "are you gonna get raymond?"

She said, "no." case closed.

- That's it?

- Oh, yeah.

And she also said the twins aren't yours.

- Come on. Come on. Yeah.

Really, what's going on?

- Raymond, I know when people are up to something.

I can smell it.

- And she smells all right?

- She smells very good.

- Oh, my god. She got to you, didn't she?

Yeah. You're both in on it.

- Brother, you're talking crazy.

- Sure. No, you'd love to get me, too, huh?

- What?

- You'd love to see me humiliated.

Isn't that right, my brother?

- Raymond, raymond, raymond.

- All right.

Wake up. Wake up.

- What? What's wrong?

- Just so you know, I canceled it.

- What? Canceled what?

- The golf outing. I backed out.

- What? Why?

Why? Because you smell, sweetheart.

- Oh, my god. I have to leave you.

- No, no, no.

That's where you're gonna do it.

That's where you're gonna set your trap.

I know how your mind works.

- You don't even know how your mind works, all right?

I'm not going to get you.

- Will you just do it? All right? Come on.

Whatever you're gonna do, just do it now,

'cause I can't take it anymore.

- You're really worried about this.

- I'm not worried, okay? I'm anxious.

- Oh, so you're feeling anxious? - I'm feeling anxious.

- Well, you shouldn't feel that way.

- What? - Don't feel that way.

- Don't tell me how to feel!

- And there it is.

- Huh?

- I'll just give you a moment to put it together.

After the auction, ray,

When I was feeling embarrassed and humiliated,

Didn't you say the same thing to me?

"don't feel that way." you remember that?

- Yeah, I do.

I do remember that,

'cause that's when you started torturing me.

Oh! Oh.

So you didn't do anything?

You let me do this to myself.

All week long, I could have had soda.

I could have had brownies.

I could have worn underwear.

So it was all me.

That's how you got me.

- Nothing I could think of

Could screw you up more

Than what's already in that beautiful mind.

Good night, ray.

- That's right, beautiful mind...

'cause it takes a beautiful mind

To come up with not canceling the golf outing

But telling you that I did

Just to get you to spill your guts.

Okay?

You're not the only clever one.

You zig. I zag.

- You canceled it, didn't you?

- Yes!

- You see, frank? No mosquitoes.

Oh-ho, oh, this is lovely.

I'm so glad we won this.

You're always against anything good,

Anything I might like.

Cost too much money.

You just have to-- why can't you just enjoy life?

Oh, here we go!

Frank? Frank! Frank!

What are you doing?

I don't have a paddle!

Frank!

Oh, frank!

["dueling banjos" plays]