Original subtitles

- Hey, teletubby.

Whoa, what happened here?

- What happened? Nothing happened, okay?

Today happened.

Because of this nightmare I had at the supermarket.

I mean, I'm dealing with the kids,

You know, and they're just taking stuff off the shelves,

And then they're opening and eating things

And sticking it back anywhere.

No, and then...

They pulled down the salsa display.

[imitates explosion]

You know? And they're swimming in it.

Do you know how embarrassing that is to hear over the p.A.?

"mrs. Barone, would you please remove your children

From ethnic foods?"

- Huh.

So we have salsa?

- We have nothing, ray. I had to leave in shame.

- So did you go to the bank?

- I did not get to the bank, ray!

No, because the kids

Were a little too picante, you know?

You know, it's just impossible

To get things done when I'm with them.

You need some real help around here.

- Oh, lisa, I am so sorry I'm late.

The mall was an absolute zoo.

But I can get dinner together.

Oh, wow.

Oh, you-- you have it covered.

- Yeah, when we finished picking up the toys,

They said they were hungry, so I just fed them.

I hope that was okay.

- Uh, yeah!

Oh, michael, are you eating carrots?

- Not carrots, power sticks.

Very popular at space station barone.

- Oh, right.

- Look, mommy.

- Oh!

- Face paints.

Is that okay?

- Oh, yeah, that's great.

That's just the disguise we need to get back

Into the grocery store.

You guys look great.

- Hey.

- Hi, daddy.

- Hey, twinkle, hey, stinky.

Hey--oh, I don't have a name for you.

- Ray, this is lisa. Lisa!

- Oh, lisa,

Hi, hi, how are you?

- I'm fine.

- What's going on here?

It's all nice.

- Yeah.

- I know, I know, well, listen,

It seems lisa here has made

A pact with the devil.

- Where do I sign?

[laughter]

- Isn't she fantastic?

- Seems great.

She used to work for the mccormicks,

But they put katie in day care.

So I knew I had to move really fast,

Because the parkers were eyeing her.

- Screw the parkers.

- Yeah, exactly. - She's ours.

- Come on, guys.

Let's go finish that story.

Whoo-hoo!

- Hey, you know, since lisa has things covered,

Maybe we could go out and get something to eat.

- Oh, well,

I think we, we probably should let lisa go, so--

- Oh, I can stay if you want.

It's no problem.

- Let's get out of here.

- God, no.

Really?

What should--

How should we get-- where's our passports?

- Now, listen, kids,

Lisa's gonna put you to bed, okay?

Mom and dad are going to get something to eat.

Bye.

- This is gonna be--

- Hi!

Where are you off to?

- We were just thinking about getting something to eat.

- Oh, good, come on over.

I made veal cutlets.

- No, no, no, ma. It's all right.

- Oh, hello. - Hi.

- I'm marie. - I'm lisa.

- Lisa?

- Mm-hmm.

Hi.

- Lisa's our... - No.

- Babysitter. - [groans]

- Your babysitter?

- We were out the door.

- Yeah, I-I thought that--

- Gee, my phone must've been off the hook,

'cause I was home all day.

- Yeah, uh, lisa, you know what?

You should go.

- What? Ray.

- Are you sure? Because I don't mind staying.

- No, no. It's okay; you know what?

We're gonna--we're gonna stay now, so here you go.

- Oh, your wife paid me al--

- Be-be-be-be!

Okay?

So thanks for stopping by.

- So I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

- Ah!

- You hired a babysitter.

- Well, you know, to tell you the truth, she's--

She's really good with young kids

'cause she's an early education major.

And I-I just thought she'd give us

A little more flexibility.

You know, of course, marie,

We would-- we'd call you first.

But we just--

We didn't want to keep taking advantage

Of the fact that you live right across the street

Because, I mean, that's not really fair to you.

Right?

Because you have things to do.

I mean, you-- you have a life.

- I think that's very considerate.

I appreciate your thinking about me.

Thank you.

- Yeah, sure, great!

Because, you know-- oh, you're welcome.

Because, uh--you know, we didn't want you to think--

- Hey, mom, the cutlets smell great.

I turned the heat down for you.

- Don't tell me how to cook!

I know how to cook!

I'm not that old!

And who are you to turn down my meat?

[door slams]

- Oh, my god.

I covered her mashed potatoes.

[all shouting]

- Hi, everybody!

Mommy's home!

- Hi, mrs. Barone.

- Hi, hi, kids!

- Oh, they're hiding from the alien.

- Oh, don't worry.

I'll protect you.

- You're not playing, mommy.

Come on, lisa,

Keep playing.

- Okay, okay, only for another minute.

[laughing and squealing]

- Okay, okay, come on, kids,

'cause lisa's gotta go back to her own planet, so--

- We want lisa to stay.

- Yeah, but I'm gonna make you dinner.

- We're not hungry.

- Well, I'm gonna make you fish sticks.

And then we're gonna take a bath,

And then mommy's gonna read you a story, so come on.

- We don't want you.

We want lisa!

We want lisa!

[all giggling and screaming]

[screaming, laughter]

- I've got cookies.

- Totally out.

Oh, boy,

Lisa gets 'em tired.

She's amazing, huh?

This is great, isn't it?

- What? - What?

It's 8:30, and we're not completely exhausted.

Hey, have you noticed since lisa started

That--that we've had a lot of time for...

[singing] hava

Nagila

Hava

Nagila

- Yeah, yeah.

- Come on, we've-- we've gotten to

Hav a lot of nagila.

- You know, I don't think

I'm gonna have lisa sit for us anymore.

- What?

No.

Listen, I never think of her, ever.

- Ugh, no.

Idiot. God.

No, I-I was just thinking--

I don't know, leaving the kids with a sitter so much,

It just-- it feels wrong.

- Wrong? What--

It gives us more time to love each other.

And if loving you is wrong...

Baby, I don't want to be right.

- Well, it just doesn't feel right to me.

- Come on, she's a great babysitter.

It's what we always dreamed of.

Come on.

Look, because of her, you got nail polish on.

Don't you love that? I love it.

Look at the little piggies.

Wee, wee, wee! - Stop it!

You don't care about nail polish.

- I know, but...

You want to go back to the way it was,

With the kids covered in salsa

And you wanting me to help?

That's--

I mean, that's-- that's no kind of life.

- No, but...

Ray, look, they are only young once.

This is our only chance to enjoy this age.

- Well, what about my age?

I mean, when do we get to enjoy my age?

- All right, okay, I mean, if we--

If we have to leave the kids with somebody,

Then, you know, maybe it should be your mom.

Because after all, she is family.

Think of how you mom must feel with this.

You know, she comes over here,

And she sees geoffrey and michael and ally

Playing with some stranger,

And they're having so much more fun with her

Than they ever had with...Her.

- Okay, okay, we'll get my mom then.

Look, the bottom line is-- is...

Quality time, that's all.

And by quality time, of course, I mean...

[singing, off-key] lovin' you

Is easy 'cause you're beautiful

And every day that we

Ooh

I'm more in love with you

- Okay, thank you.

[laughs]

- La, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la

- Listen, thanks again, marie.

I'm just gonna do a little shopping with ray.

- I'm sorry the situation with the girl didn't work out.

She seemed sweet,

But children watching children...

- Ally, honey, come on.

Okay, well, I really appreciate this.

- Please, you know how I love doing this.

And I don't want you to think

That you even have to apologize.

- [chuckles]

I'm sorry, marie.

- Oh, that is so unnecessary.

Just knowing you feel bad is enough for me.

- There you are.

- When is lisa coming?

- Honey, I told you. Lisa's not coming today.

Grandma's babysitting today.

Does grandma know how to play space station?

- Yes, she does! [laughs]

Well, sweetheart, say good-bye to mommy, and then we'll play.

- Mommy, I want to go with you.

- Oh, oh, honey.

Oh, I love you!

Okay, well, I'll be home real soon, okay?

I'll see you later.

Mommy loves you. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!

Oh, yeah!

- So maybe we can go to a movie later.

That'd be great.

- Jeez-a-loo, it's about time!

- Ma!

- Oh, marie, what happened?

- What's goin' on?

- We were doing that crazy game

That the girl taught the kids.

And someone had allowed

Toys to be in the middle of the floor,

And I tripped.

- Oh, my god. What can I do?

- Do you have a lawyer?

- You're gonna sue us, dad?

- Not you.

Your insurance company.

We split it.

- Yeah.

Where are the children?

- They're in ally's room.

I didn't want them to see me like this.

- Oh, my.

Marie, I-- god, I feel terrible.

- Here we go. I'm here for you, ma.

I told nemo you were hurt.

He threw in some free breadsticks.

- Ooh, these seem old.

- You are what you eat.

- Oh.

Robbie,

Give you father his order of miserable bastard.

- Come on, ma.

Let's get you in your own bed.

Dad, give us a hand. Come on.

- You know, it might be easier if we just switch houses.

- Oh, frank!

Can you help, please?

- Coming, sunshine.

- Marie, I am so sorry. You just--

If there's anything you need, you just let me know.

- Nice.

- Hey, they left the breadsticks.

- She is really hurt.

I am such a jerk.

- You left some toys around.

What? It happens.

- [whimpering]

- What? No, what?

Please stop.

I didn't mean you left 'em around.

They got left around.

Come on.

The kids probably left 'em.

Stinkin' kids.

- No, ray, it's my fault.

- No, no, it isn't.

- Yes, it is, 'cause I set her up.

I just couldn't stand how much the kids

Wanted to be with lisa,

So I got your mom to babysit so it...

Wouldn't go as well.

- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You told a perfectly nice girl not to come,

Because you thought the kids liked her too much?

- [tearfully] mm-hmm.

- And then you-- you brought in old yeller

To make yourself feel better?

- Yes.

I'm terrible.

I'm this evil person.

- I love this!

And then the toys,

The booby-trapping with the toys--

- I didn't do that!

- You know what the beautiful thing is here?

Whenever I do something conniv-y like this,

You always look at me like, "how could you do that?"

When what you're really thinking is,

"how do you do that?"

Ohh!

I'm proud of you. - Would you stop that?

- Will you--come on.

You don't have to compete with some babysitter.

You're mommy, huh?

The kids love mommy.

Every time I want to do something with them,

They always yell, "we'd rather have mommy!"

- Oh, yeah, right, they yell that.

- Yeah, "we prefer mommy!"

"all things being equal, where's mommy?"

- Shut up.

- Come on, you're-- you're number one.

You're better than any babysitter.

And you deserve some free time,

Quality time.

[singing shrilly] la, la, la, la, la

- Okay.

You're right.

- Of course. - Thanks.

Oh, crap!

- What?

- What are we gonna do about a babysitter?

- You're gonna call lisa. - I let lisa go.

- What, for good?

- Well, we didn't need her anymore.

We had your mom.

- What did you do?

She's out there! Now she's a free agent!

- I don't know what I did with her number.

- Don't say that! You should know the number!

How come it's not on speed dial?

Call up the parkers. No, don't call the parkers.

Oh, man, the parkers!

- Here, here! Here's her number.

- You and your stupid insecurity.

- Would you just dial the phone, please?

- It's busy!

[loud, elaborate chiming]

Parkers.

- Who is it?

- [disguises voice] pizza.

- Mr. Barone.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi. [laughs]

- Your mom told me that you were here

Babysitting for the parkers,

And I thought I'd bring you by a pizza.

You know, I know that

They're into that healthy stuff here,

And that's gotta blow, am I right?

Yeah.

Anyway, so this is it.

A big fat, juicy pizza.

- Thanks. - Okay.

- Okay. - Yeah, hmm.

We miss you over there-- - oh.

- Me and debra and the kids.

Oh, the kids.

You should see their sad little unpainted faces.

- But your wife said that they--

- Don't worry about my wife. My wife says

A lot of things, you know? She does.

Between you and me, she's a little bit...

Fing! Ehhh! Yeah, yeah.

But she's okay now. - Oh.

- Yeah, she's okay.

We just-- we want you back.

- Ohh! Um...

The parkers offered me four days a week.

- We'll give you six.

- Well, I kind of promised the parkers.

- Listen, I've known the parkers for a long time.

We're in the car pool with our kids together,

And we're very good friends.

They don't care about you.

They don't.

They find somebody cheaper,

They drop you like a stone.

- Lisa--

- She's busy.

- I'd better go. - Listen, listen, listen,

That six days that I'm talking about--

That's unlimited fridge, the phone,

The boyfriends, smoking, I don't care.

- Okay, I couldn't even do six days a week.

I have school. - School?

Let me tell you a little something about school.

- Hey, barone.

- Hey, parkers.

- What are you doing?

- Nothing.

Hey, nancy.

- Carrie. - Carrie.

- I think you better get out of here.

- Why?

It's a free country.

- I know what you're doing, barone.

- Listen, lisa, whatever they're giving you,

I'm gonna give you double, lisa!

You can do-- I have cable.

I have everything!

- You're out of the car pool.

- No!

[door closes]

No, no, not the car pool!

I need it!

I can't--I can't drive with kids!

[whining] my life, my life.

It's falling apart.

Lisa.

[shouting] lisa!

- Now chase me!

- Oh, okay. Ooh--

- Now...

Shoot me. - Shoot--

No, I don't shoot, honey.

- Come on.

- Okay, bang, bang.

- No, like this. Pew-pew.

- Pew-pew. Pew-pew.

- Grandma, run like an alien.

- Oh, an alien, honey?

No, come here, sweetheart.

Come here, come here.

Yeah, sit up, yeah.

You know what would be really nice?

Television.

Who wants cookies?