Original subtitles

A fair question one could have is,

how did our Toby Fleishman,

devoted friend, healer of the ill, registered feminist ally,

end up in a Staten Island basement

betting odds on a midnight supermodel fight club?

Well,

after his breakdown at the hospital,

he was suddenly all cried out.

And in the vacuum of the silence that remained,

his loneliness became a void.

Except instead of an absence, it was a presence.

I hate this place.

Even doing some of his favorite activities didn't help.

Excuse me, sir.

Hi, yeah. Can I get the chopped salad?

Yeah, I'm so sorry. Would you mind moving to the bar?

I have a party of four waiting.

Yeah, I...

I hate eating at the bar.

But, yeah, of course. Sure.

- Thanks. - Yeah, I can do it. Thank you.

- There you go. - Thanks.

Are you sure I can't... Yeah. Fine. Okay.

Right this way.

He tried going to his favorite place.

There was an exhibit there he'd been looking forward to all summer.

Welcome to The American Museum of Natural History.

Vantablack was a lab-created material

that was said to be the darkest black in existence.

It was created for the military

to help hide satellites and jets from detection,

and it is so dark that you're not even allowed to use it legally.

What was that? That was crazy.

I did not expect that.

It is the closest you can get to a physical manifestation of the void.

How is it still July?

How many more days until the fall?

How many more days until his kids returned?

Finally, it was the work week.

And, finally, finally, he was too busy to feel anything.

But when the day came to an end, as it always eventually did,

he was left to face another endless night.

Hey, guys. Guys.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hi. - Hi.

You know, you guys have been doing such a great job lately,

I was thinking I'd like to engage in an age-old tradition

and take you out for a drink tonight.

I have a date.

And I'm studying for boards.

And I'm in Clay's study group.

No, that's cool. So I'll be... Maybe like another time, or...

Doesn't matter. Yeah.

Toby's loneliness was now a monster.

So, they get to the glacier,

and the karate master, who's like a Yoda figure

but is also somehow the tango champion of Spain... Hang on.

My man.

Hey. Yeah. No, I was just wondering what you're doing tonight.

Well, my boy Brian just got dumped, so we're taking him out for a drink.

Okay. That's too bad.

Yeah, you should come.

But I don't think I know Brian.

Of course you do.

Do you have a pen? Take this down.

Toby! Toby! Toby!

- Little closer. - Okay. Got it. Got it. Got it.

- Shoulder width. - This good?

Keep your left arm straight. Giddy up!

Hello.

God, this is exhilarating.

I can't believe they have a whole gym for golf, and it's huge.

We probably could have just played real golf.

- It's time. - Ah. Come on.

What? What are we doing?

Annual Britney-Justin dance-off reenactment.

- Wait, what? - Come on.

Come on, Britney.

I don't really understand how you win a dance-off.

Is it who dances better or, like, feistier?

It doesn't matter, Toby.

Thought the Justin-Britney dance-off was an urban legend.

Are you kidding?

This was the defining moment in American pop history.

What time is it?

1:37.

Shit! We're late.

Wait. Late for what?

Come on! Get up, get up!

Shit. Is this totally kosher, like watching two women...

- Toby! - Yes.

- Do you not have enough problems? - I have enough problems.

- Enjoy this. It's one of the solutions. - Okay.

Yes!

Okay.

- We gotta go. - Wait. I don't know if my guy won.

What's happening?

What's wrong with seeing what you're eating?

It's a sensory experience, to feel the food.

To really experience the moment, you know?

I have a shellfish allergy. Do they know that? Who do I tell?

Just enjoy. You've never experienced anything like this.

You've never experienced anaphylaxis.

Try to enjoy it.

I am. I am enjoying it. I'm enjoying it.

- Oh, no. - What?

I gotta pee.

I've not been up this late or this early since medical school.

Wait, so let me get this.

When you say that you're just going out for a drink,

that's what happens?

- Sometimes. - Amazing.

- Oh, hey, one sec. - What?

Hey, man. Can I grab two of those off of you?

- Sure. - Ten cool?

Thanks.

That is so cool.

All right. So what now?

Now we go home.

You wanna end this before the joggers come out

and you start questioning how you live your life.

- Okay. All right. - I'll see you later?

Yeah. Good night. Thank you.

Sorry. I can't actually eat this, but thank you.

You got it.

It was never clear to Toby

how long you were supposed to watch a sunrise for.

And with that thought, the loneliness returned.

The moment was gone.

He couldn't even hold onto it, because you hold onto it by sharing it.

He still had so much love and nowhere to put it.

You up?

So what were you doing out so late?

You know, I have this friend Seth, and he...

You know, actually, my kids are away and...

I've been having a tough time just... lately, actually.

Turn over.

Just do it.

Okay.

Okay. What is that?

Now,

tell me what I'm spelling.

Okay. Um...

I think that's a "T."

Later, he wouldn't remember what she spelled out onto his back.

That's either an "A" or an "H." Okay.

He would only remember thinking how strange it was

for someone to be doing something like this for him,

something nice, where he was the only recipient of the niceness.

That's definitely an "A."

He couldn't remember one time where that had ever happened to him.

So, I guess we're not going out to eat.

I gotta be somewhere.

Okay. I kind of just wanna know what I'm getting into here.

We're having fun, aren't we?

Yeah. It's fun, you know? It's weird.

Okay. Listen.

Yeah.

My husband is an anchor on a conservative news network.

You would know him.

Is it Tucker Carlson?

It doesn't matter.

You can look it up. I am not allowed to say.

All right. Fine. But were you married to Tucker Carlson because...

Listen.

I was married and we always had this weird relationship.

He was a very religious Christian. I was Jewish.

My parents are conservative.

Lower case-y but also upper case, you know?

And my parents, when they came from Iran,

they had all these ideas of what a girl should be.

She should be shy and never let anyone touch her, never touch herself.

Sure. Yeah.

- You know? - Yeah.

And my husband hated sex.

I was a virgin when I married him.

I was such a good little girl.

And...

So I thought there was something wrong with me,

that I wanted to have sex so much.

Anyway, I came home one day early

from some dumb fundraiser

and I walk in and his assistant is giving him a blowjob.

- Whoa. - His male assistant.

Ah. I see.

So, his job has a morality clause and being gay is immoral.

Yikes.

- This is them, not me, obviously. - Yeah. Right.

And so he pays for my life and all of this,

and I still, on occasion, have to go with him to events and award shows.

I'm not really divorced.

Not technically.

But we're done.

Yeah, but, I mean, is it worth it,

not having your freedom, not being able to start over?

And you're so free?

Yeah. I'm divorced.

I signed the papers. I have the freedom to move on. Yeah.

Being divorced doesn't make you any less married.

I gotta go.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

Hello. Hi.

Okay. That's good. Stay with me. Stay with me. Very good.

This is what he needed. Someone loyal.

Someone to bring the family together and replace what they had lost.

No, no, no. Come, come, come.

What he'd lost.

No, let's go. Okay.

So I have this book, right?

It's right beyond my fingers, in my head, but...

I never actually do anything about it.

Well, what's it about?

Maybe it'll be about smoking.

- I'd read that. - Yeah.

You know, I read once that people who have affairs,

they're not really trying to betray their partners

and they're not really in love with someone else,

but they're trying to find who they are again.

They're trying to go back to the moment when they were last themselves.

That's what I think about your smoking.

Hmm.

That's actually a very insightful thing to say.

I'm a very insightful guy.

I guess so.

Hello.

- What did you do? - What is this?

Yes, this is Bubbles. Bubbles Fleishman. Bubbles, say hello.

You felt like you finally had an empty house

and a few weeks of freedom and it was just too much.

Yeah. It was. It was overwhelming. Yes, say hi to Seth.

- Hi. - And say hi to Libby, who we love, too.

You're a very nice person.

Yes, you know, the kids have wanted a dog for a long time.

Hannah's wanted a dachshund named Bubbles s since she was three.

I think I can have the dog house-trained by the time they get home.

Such a divorced-dad thing.

I am such a divorced dad.

You realize that that's a lifelong commitment, right?

You have to take care of that or it dies.

Yeah, I know. I hear you. I'm sorry I was shitty to you, okay?

What is going on?

Can I just say, you will never believe what we did last night.

Last night... Another night that I didn't get invited to? Awesome.

It was incredible. We owned the city. We went everywhere.

I think we ate an endangered species.

- Ew. - No, it was amazing.

It was like the world existed just for us.

It's weird. I never, like, understood that life.

But now I think I want every night of my life to do that. It was glorious.

Yeah. What? Right, Seth?

I don't know.

What do you mean? We had a time. Did we not have a time?

Yeah. No. We did. I don't know. I'm just kind of depressed.

You? Really? You're depressed?

I can't be depressed?

Yeah. I don't know. You have this great life.

Okay. What happened?

What happened is I got fired.

What happened is that I wear a suit all day

because I might get a job interview, and I'm 41, and I have no one to cry to.

I don't know. I turned around and realized

the brokers who are 15 years younger than me are the only friends I had.

- What about us? - Yeah.

Yeah, I know. Can I just be depressed?

But we had the night of our lives. Did we not?

I don't know. It was a Monday for me.

Oh, my God.

What the hell is that?

It's just incense, Dad. Don't worry about it.

My job was supposed to be fail-safe.

Nothing is fail-safe.

Yeah, but I didn't do anything.

If you didn't do anything, then you should sue.

- I don't wanna talk about it. - Did you tell Vanessa yet?

How can I tell Vanessa? It's too late. I have to break up with her.

Are you crazy?

Well, I would have to admit I lied. I would have to apologize.

Love means never having to say you're sorry.

Actually, in my experience,

divorce means never having to say sorry.

- Oh. - Yes, he's right.

Every relationship I've ever had

is a girl asking me to apologize all the time.

Kind of a strange way of maybe looking at your ongoing issues with women,

but sure.

I don't wanna talk about it, like I said.

Shit. I have to go. My flight leaves in four hours.

- You are gonna have a great time. - Where you going?

I love it there.

Mmm-hmm. Bye, guys.

The multinational mass media and entertainment conglomerate

that features several amusement parks as its profit center

would rather I didn't mention it by name.

Come on. In the car.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

Thank you. I'm sorry.

- I just gotta get a few things. - It's finished. I did it.

- You're late. Let's go. - I know.

I'm gonna run upstairs and do deodorant.

- I had this timed to the minute, Lib. - I'll be right back.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's okay. At least you got the restaurant reservations.

Right.

Newark Airport, right?

The multinational mass media and entertainment conglomerate

that features several amusement parks as its profit center

would rather I not depict scenes from this vacation.

So instead of telling you about my trip to there,

I'll use this time to tell you about my trip to here,

meaning how I got here to this place in my life.

I worked at a men's magazine, the only place I ever wanted to work.

...story in between.

Genius. Masterful. Killed it.

I loved it there.

I was an editorial assistant, then a news assistant.

Hey, you're taking notes, right?

Yeah.

All I wanted was to be a writer with my stories up there.

To write those stories seemed to me

the closest approximation to actually living.

Or more specifically,

what I wanted was to be Archer Sylvan,

our most marquee writer who wrote bombastic, wild stories

that stopped the world for a week after they were published.

Archer spanned the globe, digging up unbelievable characters

and telling a story that felt like you were being

gripped by the lapels and shouted at.

Of course, "The Heart is a Lonely Dinner" was his most famous story.

It won the National Magazine Award the year it was published,

and was a Pulitzer finalist.

My favorite of his books, Decoupling,

was a National Book Award-winning scandal.

A gonzo account of a year in the life of a divorced man in 1979.

Like that one. Okay. Good.

As the years went on, though, Archer, who had once been everyone's delight,

became the subject of ever more controversy.

What would you say to people who thought that only showing one side

of the divorce gave women short shrift?

I mean, come on, Jake.

Have you ever asked a woman what her divorce was like?

How do you mean?

I don't get the joke.

All right. Well, I'm saying it's the same old thing, the same story.

"He did me wrong. He cheated on me. He doesn't respect me."

I'm tired of that story.

I wanted to write the story of a person's soul.

So a woman doesn't have a soul?

I didn't say that.

I'm saying that you can't get to the truth of a thing if you ask her.

So women don't tell the truth? This is what critics take issue with

about you, Archer.

You wrote about a man's divorce, taking his word for everything.

You never interviewed the woman to verify anything.

It's not the same thing.

Well, they're reissuing the book, Jake. That's gotta count for something.

Some of the lines that were now considered unspeakable

were edited out of later editions,

but they didn't fix its iconic last line.

"The bitch will try to get you every time."

But I didn't care.

I forgave anything that was as exciting and angry and urgent as this.

- Hey, Archer. - Hey.

I work... I work at the magazine.

I've never seen you there.

Oh, well, I'm such a huge fan of yours.

I had to just come and hear... See you speak.

That piece that you wrote about the fountain of youth in the Andes,

that story completely changed my life when I read it. It was...

What's your name?

Libby Slater.

- Here you go. - Thank you.

Hey.

This way.

Almost 15 years later, I was still jogging in place at the magazine.

And the magazine was still celebrating Archer.

It was always the next story for me that was going to be the big one.

I was always just about to break out.

And I kept telling him,

I didn't mean to run with the bulls.

I was doing a story on these bank robbers

when they started getting chased by the cops.

That's when I saw the most beautiful woman

I've ever seen before.

Don't ask me how old she was. She lived outside the realm of time.

Read it! Read it!

- Okay! All right! - Read it! Read it!

If you insist. I'm gonna read one page.

You should be thinking of that for you because she's a child star

but she's not really a girl, right?

I don't know, Glenn.

Why can't I do something more like what Archer does?

- Archer is Archer. You know that. - I...

Everyone wants to be Archer. He's the house style.

Let's get you something good.

NFL cheerleader coaches.

NFL cheerleader coaches?

Tony Bennett?

- Tony Bennett? - He's turning 85. Might be surprising.

Like what, "he might die during the interview" surprising?

It's the legend, Lib. You killed that Instagram story.

Thank you.

- Killed it. Murdered it. - Destroyed. I'm in awe.

Steiner was just sent to Cuba on a Castro story.

You're kidding.

Steiner.

That guy has been here for six months.

He came over from GQ.

He was there for two years. He's got a voice.

I have a voice.

You know what I mean, Libby.

So you have a dinosaur whose work has aged like milk

and you're grooming a baby dinosaur?

Let's get you on a new story.

I had first read Decoupling in college.

In fact, I'd given it to Toby in Israel

and he'd become an Archer Sylvan obsessive, too.

That night, I re-read Archer's collection.

I'd been at the magazine for 15 years by then.

It had taken me to right exactly that party

to realize that I was no longer moving forward.

I was completely stalled.

What's going on?

I don't know.

I'm lost. I don't know what I'm doing.

Why? What happened?

I was just...

I was rereading "The Heart is a Lonely Dinner".

I just... I don't know, I always thought, like, I...

If I write good stories, if I prove myself,

then one day they're gonna send me to the top of the mountain

to eat the still-beating heart of the ox.

Then I'll know the secret to life.

You'll get there. You will.

I won't. I won't. I won't. I'm not even close.

God, I can't believe I'm saying this, but...

I think I have to leave.

Listen, come here. Come here.

Listen.

Those guys who embody the ethic of the magazine, they're blowhards.

They come to you when they want a good story

without the pages soaked in blood.

They come to me when they want a story

that's filed on time.

They do. I wanna soak my pages in blood.

I want people to read my stories and cry and rend their garments.

- They will. - They don't. They don't. They don't.

God, I just feel so stupid.

I was never in the game.

You could be a great writer at a men's magazine,

but no matter how hard you work, if you're a woman, you can't be a man.

I don't even feel like anybody reads anything I write

unless it's about a man.

I'll write a novel.

But now it's two years later.

I haven't once even opened a blank page and made an attempt.

And here's the secret of my vacation.

While we were on the rides, standing in lines and taking pictures,

I wasn't really with my family.

I wasn't in Florida.

I wasn't on an airplane.

I wasn't at a themed restaurant, begging a hostess

for a reservation everyone in the world knew to make weeks before, but not me.

I wasn't even at home, unloading the car.

I don't know what to do with you.

I was with Toby.

Come here.

Okay. There we go. Okay.

Okay, come on.

Okay. It's okay.

Go pee. Go pee. Okay, there you go.

Go pee. Come on. Okay.

She's so cute.

Hey, thank you so much.

What's her name?

It's actually a boy.

People do think it's a girl but it's actually a boy. Bubbles.

Maybe that's why they think it's a girl.

Yeah. Maybe.

Shit, sorry.

Shit. It's my kids' camp.

Hello, Dr. Fleishman.

Are the... Yeah. Are the kids okay?

Wait. No. Sorry. You have to tell me.

Now? I'm sorry. I have a job.

Can you please at least tell me the nature...

Yeah, I don't even have a car. How am I supposed to... Yeah, fine.

That's fine. I'll be in as soon as possible.

- You need to clean up that dog shit. - What?

Shit. Uh...

- Hi. - Hey.

Thank you for coming, truly.

I was taking the day off anyway.

- Yeah? - Everything okay?

I don't know. That douchebag camp director told me nothing.

- It's Bubbles! - I'm sure everything's fine.

How could anything be fine?

Remember the times a parent had to pick up a kid from camp?

Michael Goldstein when he urinated on Scott Messenger?

Yeah. Exactly.

Don't worry. Children are resilient.

Hello.

He wondered why people say that.

Children are actually not resilient. They're children.

Just because they don't jump off a bridge

doesn't mean they're resilient.

Mr. Fleishman,

everything's fine. Hannah's fine.

But she did take an unfortunate picture with her phone

and she shared it with a young man.

What? What kind of picture?

It was a very suggestive picture.

The boy shared it with his friends.

He shared it with his friends?

And what does "suggestive" mean?

Well, it wasn't appropriate.

I'll let you discuss it with Hannah.

But suffice it to say,

it violated our camper code of conduct.

Yeah, I'm not really interested in the camper code of conduct.

- Is she okay? - Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I said that she's fine.

Where is she? I wanna see my daughter.

- She's packing up her things. - And what's happening to him?

- To... - To the kid.

- Well, Mr. Fleishman... - Actually, it's Dr. Fleishman.

Okay, well...

He's not the one that took the photo, so...

Right. So nothing's happening to him?

He didn't violate any of your policies or any of your rules?

- Well, right now... - Yeah?

...his parents are in Switzerland, so we talked to them.

How nice. How nice for them. Okay. Where is she?

Hannah Bear.

Come here. Come here.

Oh, honey.

I know there is so little I can say to make this better, but...

Here, listen to me. Listen to me.

Honey, it won't always feel this bad, okay?

I just wanna go.

Yeah. No, I understand. We'll go.

Hey, where is Solly?

He's in Chipmunks.

I was having a great time.

I know, but your sister had some problems

and I can't leave you here with the way they handled it.

Wait. I forgot. I have to get something from the art room.

Yeah. Go ahead.

Then what time do we go to the art class?

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. It was pretty good.

Go to the car, Hannah.

Actually, give me your phone and then go to the car.

One minute.

Mr. Fleishman.

Mr. Fleishman.

Hey.

One day, you'll understand what a piece of shit you are,

and I hope I'm there to see you when you realize you're worthless.

- Mr. Fleishman. - It's Dr. Fleishman, you dipshit.

All right.

Are you going to your or Mom's house?

Um...

Hey, guys, could I talk to you for a second?

- Can we go sit down, actually? - What is it?

Um...

Well, it's your mother. I mean, she's fine. At least...

I think she's fine. But... No, it's fine.

Here, come here.

But, um...

Well, she's having some issues, okay? And she's...

taking some time right now. Here, sit down.

What does that mean?

It means you'll be with me full-time for the foreseeable future.

Wh... What does that mean?

Um...

Your mother has...

decided to, like, not be in our life so much.

She's not on a business trip. She...

She dropped you off that day

and she doesn't appear to be coming back to pick you up.

No. No, she wouldn't do that.

No, I know it seems impossible.

I mean, it seems that way to me too, but I just, like...

I don't know how to protect you from this.

I tried. I sent you to camp.

I thought it'd resolve but...

I can't keep lying to you, okay?

The children reacted the same way they did

when they told them about the divorce,

with questions about survival.

He tried to answer honestly.

"Yes, you will probably see her again. Yes, they'll manage.

"Yes, he's sorry. He's so sorry."

Like a small boat in the ocean

Sending big waves into motion

Like how a single word

Can make a heart open

I might only have one match

But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say

Wrecking balls inside my brain

I will scream them loud tonight

Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I'm all right song

My power's turned on

Starting right now I'll be strong

I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care

If nobody else believes

'Cause I've still got

A lot of fight left in me

'Cause I've still got

A lot of fight left in me

Wait. You didn't.

No way!

- Hi! - Hi!

Hi. Oh, my goodness. Hi.

You named him Bubbles, didn't you?

Hi, Bubbles.

Who's a good girl?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello.

People always say to use the pasta water but I'm never sure what that means.

Like when do you put it in?

I just put the sauce on.

It smells really good. My dad never makes pasta.

You doing okay?

Better.

Okay.

Dinner!

Great.

May a pox break out at the summer camp

that is only ever outdone by a concurrent plague of termites

and venereal disease.

- Termites and venereal disease? - Yes.

- Can you pass the spaghetti? - All right.

This looks really great. Thank you, Vanessa.

You know, I knew your dad when he was your age.

He was very short and he was really fat.

- I know. - That's not nice.

You know, but you were still my friend though.

- We have salad too. - Great. Thank you.

- Diet lettuce. - Yeah? And there's no dressing?

- No dressing, no. - Okay. Thank you.

Did you guys really meet at camp?

Sure did. Your dad was very into astronomy.

It's delicious.

Get some pasta. Eat up.

It looks beautiful. Could I trouble you? No, I'll do it.

Let's see. Sure. Yes, please.

It's really good. Thank you.

- Really? - You sure you don't want some?

I am positive.

Okay.

Maggots.

Come on.

Don't bring up maggots when we're eating.

This is very good.

Really? Yeah...

And then they were gone,

and he could no longer pretend that what happened didn't happen.

How could Hannah be these two people, Toby wondered.

She was a person who just a few hours ago

had a global humiliation,

then learned that her mother had abandoned her,

and then in a minute was on her knees unmoored by her new puppy.

For a few years, Hannah would straddle being both people,

and that was just the worst.

Both for her to endure innocence and maturity in the same body,

and for him to watch her innocence vanish in drips until it was gone.

Hannah Bear.

I have to run out for an errand for a minute.

Will you be okay if I leave here real quick?

Mmm.

Okay. Call me if you need me, okay?

Growing up was disgusting.

Long time no see, Dr. Fleishman.

Is she up there?

She just got home. Should I tell her you're coming?

No, no, no. She's expecting me.

There was no confrontation that would make this better.

The decision was made. It was over.

That weekend,

Toby, Hannah, and Solly embarked on their new life

as a family of three

that was no longer waiting for their former fourth to show up.

Do you think it'll ever not be hot?

Like I said, you won't always feel this way.

Nothing lasts forever.

But it wasn't all he was thinking about right now.

God help him, he was thinking that he was so happy to not be alone anymore.

He didn't wanna make peace with his loneliness.

Let's go. Come on.

Why is it so dark?

That freaked me out when I first saw it,

but I knew you would find it interesting.

Now he didn't have to.

Ready?

- Come on. - Okay.

I need to leave. We have to leave.

Hey, hey. Yo, Solly.

Solly!

Solly. Solly.

Hey. Hannah, come on.

Solly, wait.