Original subtitles

[ Waves breaking, birds calling ]

[ Mid-tempo introduction plays ]

Yo, let's go. Yep.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ La La ♪

♪ La La ♪

♪ Yeah, building a house so it can fall at the first brick ♪

♪ If the cement don't stick ♪

♪ But I've been told that it only gets harder from there ♪

♪ Mm, I said now that I'm young, I just do what I do ♪

♪ I don't second-guess too much ♪

♪ Shed my ties, and I'm not that wise ♪

♪ I'm not a grown-up... ♪

We have got to get a retail space, man.

I'm so over these contractors

Nickel and Diming our margins all day.

Yeah. I hear you, man.

Watch the mirror.

[ Cellphone buzzing ]

That's it. [ Horn honking ]

Come on, man.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Hey, pal, it's Tarzan.

Found your number on Google. Hope it's the right one.

Look, I know it's been a while,

but since we're coming up through Tampa,

I figured you'd want to know.

I got some real bad news about Dallas.

He's gone, bro.

[ Keys jingle, engine stops ]

Can I help you?

Hi. I'm here for the wake.

There's no wake here.

Ozzy Osbourne: All aboard! [ Laughs ]

Okay. Sorry. I think I actually hear it.

[ "Crazy train" playing ]

♪ I... I... I... I... I... I... I... ♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Footsteps approaching ]

[ Screams ] Come on, baby!

Whoo!

[ Crowd cheering ]

Holy shit. What the fuck are you doing here?

[ Laughs ] Your towel. Your towel. Your towel.

Oh. Yeah. Just go with it, baby.

[ Shouts indistinctly ]

Hey, fellas! Catch and release!

No! No, no, no!

[ Crowd cheering ]

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

Richie: Nice entrance. [ Laughter ]

Tobias: Hey, what's with this fucking suit, bro?

Well, I don't know.

Somebody told me this was a wake.

A wake?

Yeah. Dallas. He's not dead?

[ Laughs ] You told him he was dead?

[ Laughter ]

We were gonna invite you, but we got...

But we had a fucking couple of drinks, and we were like,

"he's got the girl and the job,

and he's not gonna come unless we really get his attention."

Okay, if he's not dead, then where is he?

He fucking bailed on us, man. He took the kid.

Started a new show overseas.

Wow. Where?

Macaw.

Macau.

Fucking China.

Some D-Bag investor offered Dallas a whole bunch of money...

Don't say his name, man. Don't give it that power.

I can say his name. He's not fucking Voldemort.

Richie: Fuckin' first time you backflipped off that balcony

in the middle of the night.

Mike: I was thinking about doing it again and then punked out.

Here she is. Yeah, liquid acid, man.

That'll take you back to the original self.

No, fuck that shit, man.

I woke up under a car in the parking lot.

White shadow, meet Mikey. Hi.

Mikey Lane, white shadow. Yeah. We've met.

Oh, I think she likes you, Mike. All right. [ Grunts ]

Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, yeah, she definitely likes you.

[ Laughter ]

Jesus fuck.

You look good, Mike. How's everything going, man?

[ Chuckles ] Things are good, man.

They're really good. The business is crushing it.

We got so many orders, I don't even have enough employees.

Uh, I don't know.

We're about to expand and get a retail spot.

That's nice, man. Yeah. Dude, I'm just...

I'm just happy to be running my own show for once.

I feel that one.

Tito: How's the old girl?

She's good, man. Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah, I mean...

You guys... You still haven't told me

what the fuck y'all are doing in Tampa.

Today, you are looking at it, brother.

Just basking in the glory of our good fortune.

But tomorrow we start the pilgrimage to myrtle beach

for the convention. That's right.

One last fucking ride, baby.

How's that work without Dallas?

Well, you see, we, uh... Tobias is gonna M.C.

[ Imitating Dallas ] All right, all right, all right!

How y'all ladies doing here tonight?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

That's totally gonna work.

Just do it just like that.

Richie: We got a couple days to perfect that.

Uh, look.

The point is we still got two freak shows,

one who can barely dance.

One... person of color?

I think you mean two.

I mean, you're fucking Algerian, bro.

Armenian, asshole.

Oh, right. Yeah. Armenia.

One snowy white Ken doll

for all those good little Christian women.

Present.

I mean, what the fuck more do you need?

Right?

Seize the day! Seize the day.

Am I right? Tarzan: Yeah! Yes.

I'm Goddamned if I'm gonna let my last memory of this business

be getting laid off. That's right.

If I'm going down, I'm going down in a... in a...

In a Fuckin' Tsunami of dollar bills!

Can I get an "Amen"? Yes.

Amen, brother! Make it rain!

Amen!

Mike: All right, let's cut this, then sand it and stain it.

Hey, Mike, any word on that thing we talked about?

Uh... y... look.

Yes, uh, is... is the answer, but it just can't be right now.

I mean, we need a couple more reliable accounts

before I can get a policy for you.

All right?

Yo, get outta here.

Go have dinner with your family. I can do this.

Nah, man. Come on. It's no problem, man.

Come on, it's fine. Seriously.

Yeah? I got it. I got it. Go home.

Thanks. Thanks, brother. [ Mid-tempo R&B playing ]

♪ ♪

[ Motor humming ]

[ Up-tempo hip-hop playing ]

Woman: You're listening to the golden age of hip-hop.

Only on spotify.

[ Music continues ]

[ Introduction to "Pony" plays ]

♪ I'm just a bachelor ♪

♪ I'm looking for a partner ♪

♪ Someone who knows how to ride ♪

♪ Without even falling off ♪

♪ Got to be compatible ♪

♪ Takes to my limits ♪

♪ Girl, when I break you off ♪

♪ I promise that you won't want to get off ♪

♪ You're horny ♪

♪ Let's do it ♪

♪ Ride it ♪

♪ My pony ♪

♪ My saddle's waiting ♪

♪ Come and jump on it ♪

♪ You're horny ♪

♪ Let's do it ♪

♪ Ride it ♪

♪ My pony ♪

♪ My saddle's waiting ♪

♪ Come and jump on it ♪

♪ Sittin' here flossin' ♪

♪ Peepin' your steelo ♪

♪ Just once if I have the chance ♪

♪ The things I will do to you ♪

♪ You and your body ♪ [ Chuckles ]

♪ Every single portion ♪

Tito: Make sure it's secure. Pack the pump?

Tarzan: Brought one for you, too.

[ Chuckles ]

All right. That's got the brace.

You got the knee brace in there. Copy.

Hey, Ken, you got that endless summer spray tan mix, brother?

You know I do, brother. First thing I packed.

Mike: Y'all got room for one more on this motherfucker?

[ All shouting ]

Richie: What in the hell are you doing here, man?

What do you think I'm doing here, man?

You said seize the day. I ain't missing this shit.

You got off work? C.E.O. Of my own company.

I take vacations when I want them.

Tito: Wait. Your girl gave you a hall pass?

[ Laughs ] I don't need a hall pass,

I just somebody to tell me that this isn't a terrible idea.

Oh, this is a horrible idea. But you can't take it back now.

So get the fuck on the Van.

Let's go. [ Laughs ] Yeah!

This is like when Justin came back to backstreet.

You fucking kidding me? Justin was in nsync.

Kevin Richardson came back to Backstreet in 2012.

Get your Orlando history straight.

I'm not from Orlando. I don't give a shit.

Well, you know who does give a shit?

People who actually have musical taste.

Backstreet was the only legitimate boy band

that ever came out of Florida, period.

Tarzan: And that conversation just happened.

Welcome back, Mike!

Welcome back, brother. [ Mid-Tempo music playing ]

♪ Oh, my, oh, tell me why ♪

♪ Ain't this something that money can't buy? ♪

♪ Oh, money ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ That money can't... ♪

Tobias: Hey, Mikey, what do you think of the truck, bro?

This thing's fucking crazy. [ Chuckles ] Right?

Hey, so, I got my, uh, my buddy Martín.

He hooked me up with his uncle's old roach coach.

And then I got Tarzan back there

to paint it up all sick Picasso style.

Yeah, I mean, I'm mostly an oil-on-canvas guy,

but I did the best I could. [ Laughs ]

What exactly are y'all doing out of it, though?

I'm making artisanal probiotic Froyo.

I serve it out of this side.

Tobias spins out of the other.

The whole thing's like a healthy mobile block party.

It's crazy, right?

We'll keep your feet loose and satisfy your sweet tooth.

That's actually a pretty Fuckin' good idea.

Yeah. Appreciate that, Mike.

Yeah. Good show. ♪ Money can buy you silks and sable ♪

♪ False religion, fame and fable ♪

Is this, uh, is this how the whole trip is gonna be?

You're gonna... you're gonna be on this thing the whole time?

Are you kidding?

Relax.

I got a bunch of orders just came in.

All the guys at the shop are just freaking out.

If you're gonna be here, be here, man.

Be present.

Okay. I'll... be present.

♪ Money ♪

♪ Said money ♪

What are you even doing?

Narcissus is taking pics of his eyebrows.

Yeah. You zoom in.

You find the shit you can't catch in the mirror.

See? Look. I need a Tweeze right there.

Shit works.

Mike, come on, man.

All right. Relax.

Yo.

All right. That's it.

What are you... yo! What the fuck are you doing?

IPhone went "bye, phone." Are you serious right now?

Buy another one, you rich motherfucker. Turn the fucking truck around.

No. Keep driving.

How do you like that, bitch?

Oh, I welcome it.

Yeah? Yeah.

That wasn't my phone.

It was mine.

[ Laughing ] Oh. Fuck. I'm sorry. Fuck!

I had like seven minutes left on it, man.

Here. Have a shake.

I don't want a fucking shake.

What... What am I supposed to do?

I should chuck your big ass right off this fucking truck.

That's the Mikey I remember!

Look, if you ain't ready

to bring it old school this weekend,

then you need to hop the fuck up off this food truck right now.

What the fuck are you even talking about?

Why do you think I came this weekend?

I don't know, man. It's been a long time.

But I do know this.

You better be ready to follow my ass

down the rabbit hole, brother.

I'm talking out of body, baby.

Astral projection!

Tobias, we're going to mad Mary's.

Hell, yeah! Oh, shit.

Nobody... nobody messes with the mojo on the last ride, brother.

Whoo!

[ Grunts ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Up-tempo music playing, crowd cheering ]

All: ♪ Hot, hot, hot, hot ♪

Come on.

♪ Hot, hot, hot, hot ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Hot, hot, hot ♪

Hey, you guys remember the last time we were in this club

and you... you... You and Ken

were fucking with those two girls from the club?

What... what was the girl with the black hair's name?

I don't fucking know.

How am I supposed to remember that?

What?! I don't know.

You don't fucking remember that?

Man, you are fucking dusty.

Julie. Julie, man! The barely legal paralegal.

Tarzan: Here we go, man.

It's getting late.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ Hot stuff ♪

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughs ]

Yeah.

Bonjour, lovelies.

How are all y'all nasty motherfuckers doing

out there tonight?

Doing great! Yeah! [ Crowd cheering ]

Yes. That's the ticket, miss thing.

Now, I am miss Tori Snatch,

your host for this glamorous evening

of good ole swamp country debauchery.

And I've got some good news for some of y'all budding queens

hiding out there in the shadows.

I've got four crumpled-up, coke-dusted $100 bills

for the best amateur queen here in Jacksonville!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yes.

So let's get some vogue popping in this bitch, shall we?

[ Cheers and applause ] Come on now.

Young and old, hot and cold... Get your ass on this stage.

♪ ♪

Crowd: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

You guys really want to go down the rabbit hole?

Isn't that what you said? So you were listening.

Okay. All right. All right. All right.

I'm gonna go dig it for you, Alice.

Let's see how far you're really willing to go.

Uh-oh. Oh, shit.

All right. Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

Mikey. Oh, it's on!

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

♪ ♪

[ Laughs ]

Tito: [ Laughs ] That's the plan.

I mean, take over south beach, then the entire east coast.

Fucking mobile.

You know, low-overhead, high-revenue shit.

That's how you get flush in the food industry.

Mike: Fuck, yeah. Woman: What is this? It's really good.

Oh, Goddamn right, what is this? Jeez.

Fuck. What am I eating right now?

You like that, Mike? Tobias: That's gold, right?

This is amazing.

It's toasted marshmallow tangerine.

Whatever it is, it's fabulous.

Put marshmallow in my pants right now.

[ Laughter ] This is... You gotta sell this.

Mike, tip of the iceberg, baby.

We got Kiwi olive oil with freeze-dried basil,

crème brulée... and my personal favorite, the flavor of truth.

Come on, man. You've been talking about this shit forever.

Why don't you tell everybody here

what you're really gonna be doing come Monday morning.

[ Imitates motor buzzing ]

Grinding those snow cones at the Northdale Mall.

Yeah. Well, that's just for market research, bitch.

Till we get the funds to do what we really need.

That's all it is, bro. Fucking hater.

Besides, I think it beats raking the infield at Tropicana.

Well, at least the shit I'm working on can go global.

[ Laughter ] What?

Wait. What? Tito: [ Coughs ] Yeah.

I'm sorry. What?

Why don't you enlighten us, constant gardener?

Yeah, please... Please enlighten me.

I have to know what this, like, piece of genius is.

Shamwow us with your ingenious invention.

Come on, rich, man. Tito laid his shit out.

Everybody's cool. Just tell us.

Tobias: It's us, bro.

Ken: Just tell us, man.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Come on.

Richie: All right.

But if any of you motherfuckers steals my idea,

I swear to God I will...

Why you got to point at the fucking Mexican

when you say "steals," dude?

We get it. Just... just go.

Tori: Let's have it, tough guy.

Condomints.

What are the two most important things you need to take with you

when you go out on the weekend?

Ketchup and mustard?

[ Laughs ]

Your condoms and your mints.

Oh, my... what?

I put them together in one package, like a pack of gum.

Sell it at a gas station.

"Condomints."

It's not bad. Boom!

Tori: Um, they... they already have that shit, bitch.

[ Laughter ] You can get it.

I get it all the time at the minimart.

I'm sorry.

They're at every single circle k and 7-Eleven across Florida.

Ken: I'm so sorry, man.

Tito: Hey, Richie, they didn't sign the nondisclosure, man.

Tori: Sorry about it.

Tarzan: Hey, Richie, don't worry about it.

I got something for you... Top secret, man.

Imagine this. A small, little rectangle. Okay?

You hold it up to your ear, you speak into it,

somebody in a distant land with the exact same thing

can hear it.

I just haven't come up with a name for it.

I was figuring...

Fuck... you. I'm so sorry, man.

Oh, God.

Hey, I forgot to ask you... You still with Mercedes?

No. [ Indistinct conversations ]

We agreed to try monogamy, and you know Mercedes.

That shit lasted for about two seconds.

Wow. That fucking sucks. I'm sorry.

Ah, it's like Oprah said, man...

"when someone shows you themselves, believe them."

What? Really?

Really? I... okay. Yeah, really. That's what she said.

Are we doing this passive-aggressive shit?

Okay. Fine. That's not passive-aggressive, that's Oprah.

Let's fucking make it aggressive.

How about this? Let's do a little therapy session here.

Old-school... Old-school therapy session.

Get up. Let's go. We're gonna get this out in one swing.

Are we fucking primates now, man? Come on.

Get it out in one hit and let's not talk about it anymore.

I get it. You're mad that... that I fucking left. This is seriously fucking stupid.

Come on, baby. Let's go. Right here.

Just don't hit me in the fucking nuts. Bam. Wow.

Are you kidding me? Stop being a pussy. Everybody fucking happy?

Stop being a pussy. Let's go. No, man.

Don't you call me a fucking pussy, Christian Bale.

Richie: No. He didn't call you a pussy.

He... he just said you exhibited pussy-like behavior.

Y'all want to unleash the fucking tiger? It's just the behavior of a pussy.

Is that what you want? Come on! Release the demon!

Tito: Oh! Shit!

[ Laughter ] Tori: Tiger's out.

Mike: [ Coughing ]

[ Laughter continues ]

Are you okay, man?

[ Grunts ] You feel better?

No, man, I don't fucking feel better.

That was seriously fucked up.

Okay.

Good. You all right?

Yeah. I just got to pee a little.

Everybody happy? You get your fucking gladiator show?

Richie: That was fucking awesome.

No, it wasn't fucking awesome, man.

There are a lot better ways to handle that shit.

It's our last fucking ride. I'm outta here.

You know, it's always the pretty ones, like Bundy.

[ Laughter ]

It is, man.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Woman: There you go. That's it. That... that's perfect.

[ Shutter clicks ] [ Laughs ]

[ Urinating ]

[ Metal jingling ]

Yo. Woman: That's protected land, sir!

You're destroying sea Turtle biosphere with that urine.

Are you serious right now? Come on.

Really? All right. Well, don't look at me.

Look out into the ocean. Got it. I got it.

Get the picture here? I'm running out.

Yes. Thank you. I'm done.

That's... that's it. There we go.

That's... that's usually what happens when I pee on the beach.

Yeah. Yeah.

Drag queens. That's, uh... [ Chuckles ]

Ooh, doing Drag Queen stuff.

[ Laughs ] You love Drag Queens.

Yep.

I am one, so I seek out my people.

You are one? You are one? Mm-hmm. On the inside.

Got it. Mostly.

Of course it's on the inside.

Yeah. What's her name?

Dolly Titz.

Dolly Tits?

With a "z."

With a "z." Mm-hmm.

Where is she from?

Here. Okay.

And she loves couponing and Nascar.

I got an inner Drag Queen, too.

Oh. Really? Yeah.

Okay. I figured. [ Chuckles ]

Uh, what's her name?

Her name is...

Clitoria Labia is her name.

That's actually not bad.

It's not bad at all. She's... she's the main bitch.

She's like Cheetara and Grace Jones.

And they always sing "Rapper's Delight"

everywhere they go.

[ Laughs ]

So, you and your friends, um, frequent drag shows, do you?

No. Not... well, somet...

We just do it on the way up to myrtle beach every year.

Right. Oh, right.

This stripper convention that I keep hearing about.

Yep. It's the infamous convention.

Which one are you, then? You, um...

Which what?

Are you Cop in a thong or Iron Man in a thong?

I am... I am...

You're gonna have to pay to see that.

That's what I am. [ Laughs ]

Or I'll just load up on all those fantastic '80s hair bands

for my drive instead.

Where you going? Where you headed?

Uh... Just on the road again.

New York this time. Okay.

Um, and I...

Basically, I'm just trying to avoid ending up on the pole.

Like you.

But you never know.

"Stripper pissing on beach in contemplative pose"

could sell for thousands one day.

If that's true, then I will whip it out

and start peeing on whatever you tell me to pee on,

and we can just... We can cash in.

Fantastic. I love the Enthusiasm.

Save some of it, though,

because you and I are gonna untie that sailboat over there

and organize a first-ever cross-dressing search party

out to that island.

What do you say?

Uh... Win or Die, stripper guy.

I-I say that, um...

I would actually love to do that.

But I'd say I know what happens on that island,

and I just... that's just... Mm-hmm.

I think I'm gonna opt out.

Oh. What happens on that island?

It's just I know what happens for me on that island.

Oh, I see.

You think I'm gonna hook up with you. Mm.

That's not at all what I said. At all.

That's the farthest thing from what I said.

'Cause I said I would want to go to that island,

and then I know what I would do

and then somehow that probably wouldn't work out

on any level that I would want it to work out on,

and then I think

that it's probably better if I just go back.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

Well, fret not, Casanova. You're safe with me.

I'm not going through a guy phase anyway.

Oh.

Well, in that case, that makes things easier.

Yeah. 'Cause then all the more reason

for me to probably just go do the good-night thing.

Okay. Yeah.

It was nice to meet you, though, Dolly Titz.

Back at you, Clitoria.

Good morning. Good morning.

You sleep okay?

Yeah. Actually, I did.

Mm-hmm.

[ Exhales deeply ]

My meditation was really clear this morning, man.

I just... just feel like I got a lot of the negativity out.

That's... that's good.

Yeah. That's good.

I'm happy you feel lighter.

I'm happy you finally got what you wanted, man.

Yeah? I am.

No. I... we say shit all the fucking time,

but you went and did it, man.

I'm jealous. Oh... oh, shut the fuck up.

All right? I'm fucking jealous. I am.

No. If there's anybody that was jealous, it was me.

What? Every time I would come over to your apartment...

Remember? I'd put on your tide commercial.

[ Laughs ]

That shit was dope.

♪ For that extra clean! ♪ ♪ For that extra clean! ♪

Ding! [ Laughing ] Oh, shit.

I mean, Lookit.

I would... I would think to myself,

"I'd be set if I could just get to where Ken was."

Yeah, I'm real set here.

I'm real set.

My agent's got me doing Youtube videos now, man.

So what are you gonna do after this weekend?

Send my head shot around, hope for the best.

There's a casting director comes by the club sometimes, so...

I'm still pretty.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

I know you're still pretty, but look at these guys.

What are they gonna do after this?

I don't know.

Morning, gorgeous.

Oh, my God, did you guys even sleep?

[ Both laugh ]

Are the girls still here or they leave?

Oh, they left about a... About an hour ago.

[ Chuckles ]

Did you, uh, did you bangee?

You bangee? Show him the thing.

Wow.

That's... okay.

She said if I had reason to call before it faded,

then maybe it was meant to be.

Oh. That's... that's romantic.

They're staying in Charleston tonight, so...

I don't know. It's smack dab on our way.

Maybe it was meant to be. Yeah, man.

Good work on that, by the way.

What about you?

Did you bangee?

[ Sighs ] No. No?

I haven't had actual sex in almost five months.

Every time a chick gets... A look at it,

she's like, "how about a blow job or hand job?"

Well...

Just got to find the right lady, man.

That's unfortunate for you.

It's like a blessing and a curse at the same time, huh?

Laugh at my plight.

Look, m-maybe it's like the glass slipper, man.

You just need to find the right one.

Dude, I'm 35 years old, okay?

If it hasn't happened already, it ain't gonna happen.

Let's face it, I'm probably fucked.

Oh. All right.

On that note, uh, let's get this circus back on the road.

Who wants to see if Tarzan died in his sleep last night?

Fuck that, man. I woke him up last time.

I'll do it. I got it.

I'll clean up the nonbiodegradables.

Tobias: What's up, bro?

A little, uh, breakfast of champions?

Mike: Molly? Yeah.

You realize we'll be useless in an hour.

What are you, fucking 12, dude? Just take it.

Oh, fuck! All right. Fine.

Guess I know what today's gonna be like.

All right, get your moon rocks!

All right. So what's the plan about this thing?

Okay. So we got it all planned out.

Tobias is gonna warm up the crowd,

then we're gonna hit them

with the old 4th of July army routine. Oorah.

Ken: That still makes me feel like a warmonger

with everything going on politically right now.

Oh, come on with the hippie shit.

It's in season. We're doing it.

Hey, if you want that Karma, go for it, all right?

We're gonna hit them with "Raining Men" right after.

Right.

Then Tobias is gonna intro the solos.

Listen.

I think you should bring back "Pony," bro.

I could do that.

And I'm... Look, "Pony" is great.

I have, uh... Can I pitch you something?

Let me just throw something out.

And I completely understand that I'm coming in at the 11th hour,

and I don't want to step on toes.

But what if...

I mean, if this really is our last ride,

what if we make up some new shit and go out with a fucking bang

and just burn this shit down with some new routines?

We... we can't do that, man. We got two days.

I mean, Mike, that's what we've rehearsed, man.

Yeah, and don't call our shit lame, bro. You're right. You know what?

I'm not calling your shit lame.

I'm just saying that cowboys and firemen dancing to '80s rock

is not... not lame. No. You know what is lame?

Looking like a bag of dicks at our last convention

'cause we don't have our fucking act straight.

Okay. Point taken.

Let me ask you a question, though.

Um... okay.

You're still doing, uh, the fireman routine, right?

You know it. All right.

Have you ever wanted to be a fireman?

A real one? Yes, a real fireman.

No. I got the phobia thing.

You have a fire phobia. Okay.

So, uh, you still doing it to that... that kiss song?

Fuck, yeah. "Hotter than Hell."

"Hotter than Hell." Do you like that song?

Crushes.

I know it crushes, but do you like it?

Do you play it when you're not onstage?

I don't see your point here.

My point is, if you don't like it, why did you pick it?

Well, I didn't pick it. Dallas did.

Exactly my point. Dallas picked it.

You didn't pick it, so it's not on the inside. You know what?

Just because you made up some of your own routines back in the day

doesn't mean that you get to waltz back in here

after three years and try to tell us how to run our own shit.

I'm not trying to tell you what the fuck to do. No!

I'm just say... There is no fucking universe

in which I am not doing that fireman routine!

You can find it, man.

You got to just, like, let go, okay?

I fucking got it! What? What?

Yo, it's like a fucking real wedding,

except like a fantasy. Ken: Oh, my God, dude!

And, like, I go out in the crowd... Yes!

...and find myself, like, a real fucking bride.

Oh, fuck! And I do everything with her!

Like, I'll have a ring and everything,

and I'll propose to her, and people throw rice. They are throwing rice!

Rice out of our fucking pants! Yes. Dude, they're fucking...

They're all... everyone's throwing rice. It's just so complex.

Or birdseed. What are you fucking talking about, man?!

Yo, man, I'm not a fucking dancer like you.

I just can't come up with shit on the spot.

No, it's not... it's not about being a dancer, Richie.

It's not. Okay, look.

"Pony"... it's not... that wasn't a dance routine, okay?

All it was is I was at a party and saw this badass girl.

And she was with her boyfriend,

and he did not look like he was hitting that shit right.

So that... that song came on, and all I did was just...

All I did was just, like, imagine what I would do to her.

That was it. That was all "Pony" ever was.

No, man. It sounds fucking complex.

Why is that... no, it's not. Look at... look at you!

You're a fucking Greek God.

You could fucking tie your shoe

and make some girl's entire year, man.

It's just got to come from in here.

Seriously? You just have to be you. Yeah. I know so.

You know what? Fuck that.

I bet you you can go in there right now...

I bet you you can go in there and fucking make her day.

Who, her? Tarzan: Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah.

That girl looks like she's never fucking smiled

in her entire fucking life. Then that's your goal.

That is your goal. All the more reason, man. What?

You got to go in there and make her smile. No!

That's it. That's all you've got to do.

Yes. And if you... look.

If you can't do that, then no one fucking can,

and I'll go back and do the fucking old routines.

Oh, fuck! That's a fair deal. That's a fair deal.

You're not a fucking... You're not a fireman, Richie!

You're not a fireman. I want to hear you say it.

"I'm not a fireman." "I am not a fireman."

I want to hear you say... Well, I'm not a fucking fireman.

You hate fire! I'm a fucking male entertainer.

Exactly! You're a male entertainer.

Right, man. You can fucking do it.

Now go do it! B.D.R.!

B.D.R.!

Come on! B.D.R.! B.D.R.!

[ Up-tempo dance music playing, indistinct shouting ]

Make her day, dude.

Let's go. Show that big beautiful heart.

[ Music continues ]

[ Music stops, slow introduction plays ]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ You are my fire ♪

♪ The one desire ♪

♪ Believe when I say ♪

♪ I want it that way ♪

♪ When we are two worlds ♪

♪ Apart ♪ [ Indistinct shouting ]

♪ Can't reach to your heart ♪

♪ When you say ♪

♪ That I want it that way ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Ain't nothing but a heartache ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Ain't nothing but a mistake ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I never want to hear you say ♪

♪ I want it that way ♪

♪ Am I your fire? ♪

♪ Your one desire? ♪

♪ Yes, I know ♪

♪ It's too late ♪

♪ But I want it that way ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Ain't nothing but a heartache ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Ain't nothing but a mistake ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I never want to hear you say ♪

How much for the cheetos and water?

♪ Don't want to hear you say ♪

♪ Ain't nothing but a heartache ♪ [ All cheering ]

♪ Ain't nothing but a mistake ♪

♪ Don't want to hear you say ♪

Yeah! Whoo!

That was spiritual, man.

Yes! I'm proud of you, buddy.

We can do this.

We can do this! We can do this.

We've got to come up with new shit, okay?

Fucking history right here, okay?

This shit is history. Gone.

We've got to get rid of it. Out with the past.

I never wanted to be in the Navy!

I don't want this "Top Gun" shit. Fuck the Navy, man.

Yeah! Gone!

Oh, baby! It's time.

That shit itched. It's time.

Boom.

Boom! That's outta here, baby!

Fuck that thing! Richie?

Done! Fireman over! Not anymore.

I'm not a fireman anymore!

Get it outta here. Don't, man. Don't.

I'll... I'll throw it away when we get back.

No, no, no. Now!

It's over. History!

New stuff.

I love you guys. I... look.

I've missed you guys so much.

I know we're rolling face right now,

but, like, I just need you guys to know how much I love you.

I missed you so much, man.

There was a giant hole inside of me

that was created when you left.

I'm here now. And now I feel like it's full again.

I love you, man. Ken: Let's sync this shit up.

We gotta sync this up.

We're syncing up the energy. I fucking love you, man!

Give me your hands, man. [ Laughs ]

Whoo!

I take it y'all motherfuckers feel that?

Oh, yeah. Yeah!

That is our energies, man.

We are connected. Hold...

Toby! Toby, throw it back here, brother. We need you.

Come on. Come on, man, sync up.

Come on! This is powerful, man!

You feel that rhythm? Oh, yeah.

♪ Mm, mm-mm-mm ♪

Yeah. Ooh, yeah.

♪ Mm, mm-mm-mm ♪ I love you guys!

That's our pulse, man.

I am so thankful that we are all here together

on this last ride, man.

Everybody... Everybody close your eyes

and let's just appreciate it, not as six beings, but as one.

As one. As one. As one unit, man.

One fucking unit.

Tito: As one. We've got to move into the future as one.

Tarzan: As one unit. One unit moving as one.

The past is over!

Yeah.

Shit! [ Indistinct shouting ]

Ugh.

Mike: Fuck! What the hell happened?

Ow! Get off! Get off my fucking leg!

Tarzan: Ugh. Fuck!

Ken: Is everybody okay?

No, I'm not fucking okay! I'm not okay at all!

Richie: Oh, shit. Hey, we got a man down!

Ken: Oh, fuck. Where'd that come from?

He hit his fucking head there. Oh, shit.

He's okay.

Your friend suffered a Grade-2 concussion

and required some stitches.

So he's gonna live? Yes.

He'll need to stay here for 48 hours of observation.

He's in here.

My pupils bugging out?

Shh. Be cool.

You think she knows?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh, shit, man.

Hey. Toby.

What's up, buddy? Hey, bro. What's up, man?

Oh, fuck. Hey, guys.

I'm so fucking sorry.

No. No. I shouldn't have reached for you, man.

Fuck, man. I shouldn't have closed my eyes.

Well, that's definitely true.

Fuck, yeah. I mean, what were you thinking?

Hey. Hey, hey. Go easy on him, man.

Come on. Look at him. Easy? He's fine.

Right? Yeah, I'm fine, but the fucking truck, man.

Yeah, the truck is towed.

It's going to take a few days to fix it.

But I think we can afford it.

I just... I don't know about the paint job.

It won't be original, but, uh, I can get it close.

Are you in pain, man?

Yeah. They gave me a little bit of something,

but it's just, like, shit. Yeah, I'm feeling that.

[ Exhales deeply ]

What are you doing?

Reiki.

I'm a level-3 healer.

Oh, shit.

[ Sighs ] This fucking sucks.

No fucking M.C. No fucking whip.

No fucking costumes!

That was a brilliant idea.

Throwing the fucking costumes out the window?

Stupid! Just chill, man. No, man. It's an Omen, okay?

It's a sign.

We're exactly where we're supposed to be, all right?

Please spare us the fucking Gandhi routine right now!

Okay. You have so much anger, man.

And it is all in your heart chakra, and it's fucking toxic.

Look, guys, please just chill. I don't even know what that means!

Come on! This is the comedown from the Molly.

Get a grip. God. You're Goddamn right it's fucking comedown!

This trip's over!

All I wanted was one more fucking ride!

Is that too much to ask?

Aw.

Is Richie gonna cry

because life isn't exactly the way he wants it right now?

Oh, okay, Mr. C.E.O.

Why don't you take your bullshit advice

and give it to your fucking employees?

Employees? I have one employee.

And I can't even pay for his healthcare.

But I bust my ass every month to keep it going.

So don't act like we don't all have problems.

All right? Oh, whatever, man.

I'm the one who told you coming with us was a horrible idea.

Oh, it's been the year of the horrible idea, man.

You want to see another horrible idea?

I got one for you.

Bam. There you go.

There's a nice, juicy horrible idea for you.

Brooke said no?

Look, I had my life all planned out with her.

All right? I... It was all perfectly set up.

I had the house, I had the dog,

I had "Downton Abbey" on the weekends.

I even did the proposal on the beach

with bacon and mimosas and pancakes and all that.

And for whatever reason

that I'll probably never understand...

She wanted something else.

So I came on this trip with you fucks

to just try to get on with it.

So I'm gonna be damned if I'm gonna just let it end

right here and now.

You're right.

You're Goddamn right.

We can't let the train stop here.

That's right. No.

We got a Tsunami of dollar bills to get to, daddy.

Oh, we're on a mission. Fuck, yeah.

Look, we'll get another M.C. Right, Tobias?

That's the energy I'm talking about right there.

Look, we'll pick him up on the way home.

All we got to do is get a rental car.

We're not gonna need a rental car, I don't think.

This is another horrible idea, but...

I know an M.C. In Savannah.

♪ ♪

Gentlemen. Hey.

How can I be of service?

Uh, is Rome in tonight?

Are you a member, sir?

N-no. Not a...

No, we're not members.

Uh... I used to...

I used to dance here... Before it was this.

Can you just do me a favor and...

Just if you could get my name to Rome.

Mike Lane.

And if... and if that doesn't do the trick,

I guess we'll just stop bothering you.

[ Mid-tempo music playing ]

You can follow me.

Uh, y'all chill down here.

I'll be back.

[ Knock on door ]

What's up?

Sit your ass down.

Malik, I'm sorry for the surprise,

but a ghost is a ghost.

I'll see you downstairs in a minute, okay?

So, they said "Mike Lane and company."

Mm-hmm.

Who's your company?

It's what's left of the kings of Tampa.

Oh, let me guess.

Mr. Crocodile Dundee done did a little Houdini act?

Yep. [ Clears throat ]

Mm-hmm. Seems so.

Just so you know,

I got out on my own accord three years ago.

But yet here you are.

You got my curiosity, Mike.

Floor is yours.

No.

I was just in the neighborhood and wanted to see

if I could stop by and borrow a cup of brown sugar.

[ Sighs ]

Boy, I tell you, shit don't change, huh?

Always got to lead with a joke

before you ask for what you want.

No.

So, what did you do,

turn this place into some sort of a country club or something?

Guess you could say that.

You know, back in the day in the Roman empire,

as long as you paid the emperor your taxes,

you could worship who you wanted,

where you wanted, how you wanted.

Freedom had a small price.

Do you know what people value more than freedom, Mike?

Please say strippers.

Nope.

Beauty.

So, if beauty is something you really wish to behold,

you can behold all the beauty you want right here.

All I ask is for a little monthly fee, you know?

[ Chuckles ]

So it's a subscription-based pleasure that you're selling?

You got it.

Why don't you let me show you around?

See what we do here.

Maybe you'll learn a little something.

♪ I wanna freak you ♪

[ Women cheering ] ♪ I wanna freak you ♪

♪ I wanna freak you ♪

♪ I wanna freak you ♪

♪ I wanna freak you ♪ [ Cheering continues ]

♪ I wanna freak you ♪ ♪ I would give anything, baby ♪

♪ Tonight you won't be sorry ♪

♪ Tonight you got my mind ♪

How you doing, queen?

Good. You feeling good?

You having a good time? Mm-hmm.

All right, now, Mr. Augustus.

I want you to keep taking care of this beauty, you hear me?

Yes, ma'am. All right.

♪ To show how much ♪

♪ I think about freakin' you? ♪

♪ What must I say ♪

♪ What must I do ♪

♪ To show how much ♪

♪ I think about freakin' you? ♪

[ Cheering continues ]

♪ But I couldn't go for weeks ♪

♪ I can even play with another body ♪

♪ But it wouldn't last 'cause I'm a freak ♪

♪ Oh, everything you say ♪

♪ I'm turned on by everything you do ♪

♪ And at night when I close my eyes ♪

♪ I only dream of freakin' you ♪

♪ Ooh, tonight I need your body, baby ♪

♪ Whatever you want ♪

♪ Whatever you need ♪

[ Women cheering ]

♪ You won't be sorry, baby ♪

♪ Baby, no, no ♪

♪ Whatever you want, baby ♪

♪ It will be fine, so fine ♪

♪ What must I say ♪

♪ What must I do ♪

♪ To show how much ♪

♪ I think about freakin' you? ♪

♪ What must I say ♪

♪ What must I do ♪

♪ To show how much... ♪

[ Slow introduction plays ]

♪ Oh... oh... oh, the rain keeps fallin' ♪

♪ And these... keep callin' ♪ [ Women cheering ]

♪ Unh ♪

♪ All these raindrops fallin' on my window ♪

♪ Got me wishing that we did the things we didn't do ♪

♪ And right now I wanna sex you, baby ♪

♪ Has anybody sexed you lately? ♪

[ Women cheering ]

♪ Got all these hoes calling asking me to come through ♪

♪ Asking me to come through ♪

♪ What they don't know is all they do is make me call you ♪

♪ You, you, you, you ♪

♪ And ask if I can sex you, lady ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Can we do it till we both look crazy? ♪

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Baby, you know I'm from Atlanta ♪

♪ And they raise me like a killer ♪

♪ Raise me like a villain ♪

♪ Raise me like a pimp ♪

♪ And there's a lot of girls out here ♪

♪ And I could have all of them ♪

♪ But I don't want none of them ♪

♪ I only want one of them ♪

♪ All I wanna do is sex you, baby ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

♪ Have you had any good sex lately? ♪

♪ Lately, lately, lately ♪

That was beautiful, baby, as always.

Just beautiful.

All right, ladies, you having a good time tonight?

[ Cheers and applause ]

That's what I thought.

But you know there's always a queen up in here

who must be reminded of how beautiful she is.

Don't be shy. Where you at?

Oop! Boom.

There you go.

Give me your hand.

Do you know how beautiful you are?

Queens, ain't she beautiful?

[ Cheers and applause ]

You hear that? But you know what?

If you're not gonna take our word for it,

we're just gonna show you, okay?

So let me present to you the absolutely adorable...

Andre.

[ Women cheering ]

What's your name?

Caroline.

Don't be shy. That's a beautiful name.

It was my grandmother's.

What did she do?

Um, she was the first female black grocery owner

in the state.

Mm. A strong woman.

What brings you to Domina? Other than the obvious.

Celebrating my divorce.

Your girlfriends brought you out to have a good time, huh?

Woman: Whoo! Yeah. Good job. Okay.

I'll take it from here.

Uh, Caroline, would you mind...

Sitting for me right here?

That would be great.

And, um, one last thing...

What's your favorite thing?

Alcohol.

Alcohol. [ Chuckles ]

Okay. Alcohol.

Um, I'm gonna need some crowd participation on this one,

so just, uh, follow my lead.

[ Snaps fingers rhythmically ] Yeah.

Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Okay.

[ Fingers snapping rhythmically ] Mm.

Young Caroline, give a Nigga happy time.

She like alcohol, but you ain't here to hear me whine.

I'm looking at your backside. I'm trying to stay patient.

Make that thing clap. That's a standing ovation.

Grandma independent. She don't need your help.

But you don't really feel that way about yourself.

That's why the name feel funny in your mouth.

You don't believe it, but I can see it.

And fuck that dude. He don't get you.

I know you're cool and I just met you.

Pick you up around 8:00.

I can come and get you.

On the coast, and we ballin' back and forth

like it's ping-pong and you ain't got a thing on.

Let me sing your theme song.

♪ Caroline ♪

♪ This could be something special ♪

♪ This love of mine will never let go ♪

♪ If I could make you mine ♪

♪ Oh, I'd treat you so special ♪

♪ Be mine ♪

♪ Oh, be mine ♪

All right. I need y'all to clap on this one. Okay.

♪ Caroline ♪ [ Rhythmic clapping ]

♪ This could be something special ♪

♪ This love of mine could never let go ♪

♪ And if I make you mine ♪

♪ Oh, I'd treat you so special ♪

♪ Be mine ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Mid-tempo music playing ]

Why are you here?

[ Music continues, women cheering in distance ]

I don't know.

Me and the guys were, uh... We were near Savannah.

And I couldn't not see you.

Okay.

And?

Don't laugh.

Uh, we're going up to the convention and... I don't know.

We're gonna have one crazy night to put this in bed and...

I don't know. I just thought it could be fun.

The convention?

So you mean to tell me you came all the way here to see me

about that bullshit convention?

No. Look... look, I know.

I just thought it... Presented itself as an...

As an interesting opportunity for us to...

No, no, no, no. No.

For you maybe.

What the hell do I need a convention for, Mike?

You don't. That's not what I'm saying.

Would you let me finish, please? Will you just... no. Unh-Unh. No.

I haven't talked to you for eight years

since you walked out on me. Oh, did I walk out on you?

Because if I remember correctly, I went and took a job.

And when I came back, someone wouldn't let me in the house.

Mike, what makes you think that you can come up in here

after all this time and snap your fingers

and I'm supposed to do a favor for you?

Okay.

Maybe... I'm... I'm an idiot. I'm sorry.

I-I'm not saying that at all.

Really?

I don't need a favor from you.

Fuck the convention.

Don't... All it is is an excuse

for us to try to put this shit between us to bed.

That's all.

Oh, shit.

[ Music continues ]

Thank you, Octavius.

Ooh. You're wonderful.

My queens, gather.

I need you. I need you.

You ever had a ghost come to your front door?

A ghost from your past, one that still makes you shiver?

[ Women murmuring, cheering ]

I had one today.

So I need your help.

I need you to help me make a decision

of whether I should leave that ghost in his grave

or give him an opportunity to be resurrected.

Women: Resurrected!

Rome: Okay.

I got a little treat for y'all tonight.

It's a man I knew... As white chocolate.

[ Women cheering ]

Some might know him as Magic Mike.

[ Women cheer ]

We're gonna see if he's still got some magic in that Mike.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hello, beautiful.

You down for a little fun tonight?

Yes. All right.

Have a seat.

Mike?

Come on. Let's not do this.

Uh...

Mnh-mnh.

Malik?

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Slow introduction plays ]

♪ I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm gonna make you feel it ♪

♪ Da-Da-Da-Da-Da, Da ♪

Come on, man. You got this.

♪ I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm gonna make you feel it ♪

[ Women cheering ]

♪ I'm gonna make you feel it ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you feel it ♪

[ All cheering ]

♪ I'm gonna make you feel it ♪

♪ Tell me why you wanna be bad ♪

♪ Bad ♪

♪ Tell me why you wanna be bad ♪

♪ You sweatin' ♪

♪ Why you callin' me daddy? ♪

♪ Giving you the best you ever had, babe ♪

♪ Make me feel like you ain't ever had it ♪

♪ Stretching you out like you are elastic ♪

♪ Turn around, poke it out so I can grab it ♪

♪ Flip that ass over like we in gymnastics ♪

♪ You nasty ♪

♪ Unh ♪

♪ Baby, tell me that you want it deeper ♪

♪ I don't ever wanna come out ♪

♪ Put you in a coma ♪

♪ You're a sleeper ♪

♪ I know that your body's been drowsed ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you feel it ♪

♪ Feel it ♪

♪ Feel it ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you feel it ♪

♪ Tell me, do you wanna be bad ♪

♪ Tell me, do you wanna be bad, babe ♪

♪ With the shots... pow pow... You bust off like an uzi ♪

♪ Think I'm gonna need another mat, babe ♪

♪ Back that ass up on me like I'm Juvie ♪

♪ About nothing but action in this movie ♪

♪ It's going down ♪

♪ Turn around, let me feel your booty ♪

♪ I'm a private in your parts ♪

♪ I'm at duty ♪

♪ Girl, give it to me ♪

♪ Unh, Unh ♪

♪ Baby, you remind me of my jeeper ♪

♪ The way you body's bouncing up and down ♪

♪ Feels like a Tsunami or Katrina ♪

♪ I swear I am deep enough to drown ♪

♪ Oh, girl ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you feel it ♪

♪ Uh, uh ♪

♪ Uh, uh ♪

♪ Uh, uh, uh ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you feel it ♪

So, seeing as though you are leaving again...

I have Andre over here to take care of you.

He'll take you wherever you want to go.

Yeah. We got to get on the road.

This was, uh, this was fun...

Whatever, I guess, that this was.

It was good seeing you.

Likewise.

Richie: So... what was that?

Y'all used to dance together?

Mike: Uh, yeah.

Look, it's a... [ Laughs ]

It's a long, long story, but, uh, Rome and I met each other

at a very interesting time in our lives,

and... and, uh, I guess you could say that we had a thing.

Mm. Yeah. I'd say you had a thing.

Yeah.

Well, until I, uh, I went to work with Dallas.

Yeah.

So... is she gonna come help us or what?

No. [ Laughs ] No.

I don't... I don't think that's gonna actually happen.

Rome likes to stay in her castle.

That's why she built it.

So, uh, I getting on 95 north, right?

Yeah. Yeah. It's just outside of Charleston.

She texted me the address. I don't know.

I'll tell you when we get closer.

You need a co-pilot? Yes, please.

Okay.

That was insane tonight, man.

Thanks. I'm serious, dude. That was like...

It was a good night. I'm not gonna lie to you.

Your stuff is revolutionary, man.

Sometimes the songs are a little...

No, man. It was perfect. Are you kidding me?

I appreciate that. And you just made that up on the spot.

I... well, Rome likes us to put our passion in our work.

Well, it shows, man.

I've never seen anything like that.

Are you doing anything else with your music?

Man, I'm trying. I put it up online.

Hopefully, like, it'll spread through social media,

but honestly, with this E.P. That's coming out, it's...

Oh, cool, man.

It's hard to get people to pay attention to it.

'Cause there's so much shit that comes on the Internet every day. Oh. So much.

I just want to stay authentic.

Yeah. Well, at least you're trying, man.

At least you're trying.

That's why I moved down to Florida back in the day,

actually, was to do music stuff.

Really? Yeah. Yeah.

I sang in "Dream along with Mickey"

at Disney world from '03 to '05.

[ Laughs ] What?

Yeah, man. For real.

I mean, I started out as the Donald duck understudy,

but I... I was playing Mickey by my second year.

I got signed by an agent,

booked a couple regional commercial spots.

And one day I heard an ad on the radio looking for dancers.

And you know how that shit goes, so...

When I started this, I thought...

Man, I thought I'd hate it.

But now, if the... if, like, the E.P. Blew up tomorrow,

I'd probably still do this on the side.

What? I'm serious.

You're shitting me.

Do you see how many girls I meet every day?

Yes. For free?

For free! I don't got to pay for...

All I do is sing.

And you think about that.

Like, these girls have to deal with men in their lives

every day who... They don't listen to them.

They don't ask them what they want.

They don't even ask them what they want.

All we got to do is ask them what they want.

And when they tell you, it's a beautiful thing, man.

It's like we're like... We're like healers or something.

Yes, man.

Fuck, yes. We are.

That's right. We're healers.

We're healers, man.

We can be. Okay. Yeah. We can be.

We can be.

Okay. I like that.

[ Mid-tempo rock music playing ]

♪ ♪

[ Insects chirping ]

Hey, thanks for the ride. No problem, man.

Good talking to you, man. Safe home.

Look us up when you get back.

All right, man. Thanks, man.

You sure this is the place?

Yeah. I'm positive. She said it, and I got the text.

Looks like somebody hooked up with a trust fund baby! You know?

I just hit her with her favorite flavor, baby,

and we're livin' large.

Megan?

Hello?

[ Singsong voice ] Megan?

There's some law of attraction going on up in here.

There's somebody in here. Megan!

It's Tito!

Hey!

Oh... shit.

Who are you?

Just, uh, friends of Megan.

Woman: Ah.

Is Megan here?

My daughter and her friends are outside.

Who are you?

Oh, you're having a party. We'll just go out...

You said Megan was back this way in the guesthouse?

You hold on.

Y'all can't just walk in my house like strangers

without having a hello drink.

[ Laughs ]

You come on now and have a seat.

What you want? You want red? You want white?

We got whiskey. We got shine.

Y'all get something. [ Laughs ]

How about we start with wine and end with shine?

I like that rule.

Honey, you come sit right here. Come on.

Oh, shit!

Thank you so much.

It smells good.

Well... cheers!

Cheers. Cheers. Eye contact.

Thank you for your hospitality, Ma'am.

Quit that proper shit.

[ Laughter ]

You sound just like my ex.

What are your names?

Uh, I'm Mike. This is Tito...

Tito. ...Ken...

Ken. ...Richie,

uh...

Ernest. ...Ernest. Ernest.

Well, I'm Nancy.

And this is Mae, Julia, Diane, and Jessica.

Hey. Nice to meet you.

Ken: Nice to meet y'all. Thank you, ladies.

Y'all don't look like you're from around here.

We're from Miami. Uh, just...

Florida.

There's one in Ohio, dude.

Just passing through on our way to myrtle beach.

Oh! Myrtle beach! Redneck Riviera.

Y'all should try kiawah instead.

Oh, yeah, I heard that's real nice, ma'am.

"Oh, yeah, I heard that's real nice, ma'am."

[ Laughter ]

Listen to him!

Is that what I sound like?

You're good!

Don't think I don't know

what you're doing here with those girls.

How do y'all know my daughter?

We just... Uh, we just met her at a...

At a... in Jacksonville at... At a...

It was a bar.

A bar. Well, that's my daughter.

Always making new friends!

[ Laughter ]

So what do y'all do?

We are... I, uh... hey!

How are you?

Hey! Hi!

There you are.

Hey. What are y'all talking about?

Nancy: Oh, the boys are just about to tell us

what they do for a living. Oh.

Mm-hmm.

We, uh...

[ Chuckles ] What do... uh, I have...

I have my own furniture company.

Tito: Yeah. He's great. Um...

Tito here is into yogurt.

Frozen yogurt. Yeah. artisanal.

Ken is a budding actor and, um, and level-3 reiki healer.

Uh, so if you need any work done...

Uh, Ernie is... Is an artist.

He's a painter.

Mom, they're male strippers.

Nancy: Now, that makes sense. [ Laughter ]

Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Because it's fucking awkward to do somebody like that.

Enough with that fucking language! [ Laughter ]

Oh, God, I don't think I've ever had

a real live stripper in my house before.

Ken: You have now.

Uh, well, actually, the... the technical term is...

Is male entertainer. Oh, my!

Mom, they're not here for that. They're just friends.

Of course not!

Shit, Diana, go down and grab us some more Vino.

No, no, no. Don't... don't you worry.

I got this. I'll reload, Nancy. Okay, baby.

You just... you just get anything that looks expensive.

As much of the good stuff

as your little arms can carry, darling.

You got it.

I-I got arms. I'll help.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Are you native American, Tito?

[ Laughter ]

Tito: Yes, on my mother's side.

Really, I've got it. Thanks, though.

Oh, you do not have it.

By what I just saw up there,

we are gonna need a fucking pack mule to water that bunch.

So... I don't know.

Let's fucking do this.

I thought you were supposed to be in New York, by the way.

Oh, wait. Is that not where we are?

Wow.

Hmm?

I changed my mind.

So does that mean you are gonna be on the pole

or you're not gonna be on the pole?

Because, I mean,

"Dolly Titz on the main stage, coming up for you, boys.

Get your dollar bills out and let's brighten up her day"

sounds awesome to me.

Ha ha.

Nice callback, Clitoria.

It's low-hanging fruit. I can't help myself.

What's the plan now, then?

Currently? Yep.

Find the perfect dynamite for that powder keg upstairs

and... watch it blow.

Okay.

What are we looking for?

Something old and expensive... To fit in upstairs.

Cool.

They all look the same to me.

Racist.

Hmm?

1959 Château Lafite.

That'll do.

Richie: You see, what I hear

is that guy isn't taking care of his own shit.

How are you gonna expect your lady to trim the hedges,

if you're not willing to... Prune the tree?

[ Laughter ]

See, I have a three-day Max-Growth rule.

- Really? - Richie: Abso-fucking-lutely, ma'am.

Wow.

Pardon my language. Oh, please.

We got wine!

[ All cheering ]

A basket full of wine! [ Laughs ]

We got a basket of wine.

Nancy: You are missing out on some husband tales in here.

Or ex-husband tales.

Julia and I are trying to lure Mae and Diana

over to the dark side.

Use the force, Nance.

Come on, Mae.

It's your turn.

All: Come on, Mae.

Come on, Mae.

We know it ain't all peaches and roses in that bedroom.

Cone of silence here.

Fine. I'll go, then.

Ugh. Here's a whopper for you.

Here we go.

Roger's the only man I've ever slept with.

Then you are gonna get more wine.

[ Laughs ]

[ Sighing ] Yeah.

I lost my virginity to him when I was 17, and that was that.

Two beautiful daughters,

but only one penis my entire fucking life.

Sadly, I was too naive to recognize that he was a gay man.

Mom, you don't know that.

Oh, I knew enough.

I knew he really liked it when I put my fing...

Mom! No. I don't want to hear that. Hey!

Well, you need to hear this! It's not so terrible.

Because I pissed away all of this on one man.

And you are not gonna make the same mistake.

Megan: Got it.

That's why I tell these girls to play the field.

And don't stop until you find one

that rocks your fucking socks off!

Ken: My Motto. Hear, hear.

Tarzan: Well, you know, Nancy, that plays both ways.

I think I've had as good a run as anybody.

But I'd trade all that in a heartbeat

to come home to a wife, a kid, people that love me.

That hole is never gonna be filled.

That ship fucking sailed.

Wow.

Ken: I think my soul just died a little bit.

Tito: I love you, Ernie.

Well, Hank and I have never had sex with the lights on.

What?

Every time it starts, he just goes and turns 'em off.

And I try to drop hints, but, um...

Maybe it's me. I don't know.

Nancy: Come on. Never once?

Never.

Ken: He's not showing you how beautiful you are.

No. You're gorgeous... You know that, right?

She's gorgeous, right?

And I'm not just talking about the paint job.

I'm not talking about this vessel.

I'm talking about what's inside you.

I read energy in my work,

and... and yours is pure and sweet and loving and nurturing.

You got to talk to him.

'Cause if he's not gonna worship you,

there's a lot of guys out there who will.

And the line starts right here.

Winds around this room, too. Yep. Absolutely.

You know that, right?

Good. Don't... no, no. Don't get shy on me.

You need to say it. I want to hear you say it.

Own it.

Well, I just don't know what to say to him.

Well, tell him what your fantasy is.

And make sure he does it with the lights on.

If he doesn't, then y'all have a serious problem.

Well, I, um...

When we were in college and we were falling in love,

we used to listen to that song, um, "heaven."

Oh, shit. Yes!

I love that song.

♪ Oh, thinking about all our younger years ♪

[ Cheering ]

♪ There was only you and me ♪

♪ We were young and wild and free ♪

Will you hold this for me? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Come on!

♪ Now nothing can take you away from me ♪

♪ We've been down that road before ♪

♪ But that's all over now ♪ [ Laughter ]

♪ You keep coming back for more ♪

♪ Baby, you're all that I want ♪

♪ When you're lying here in my arms ♪

♪ I'm finding it hard to believe we're in heaven ♪

Come on, boys. Tito: Yeah.

All: ♪ and love is all that I need ♪

♪ And I found it there in your heart ♪

♪ It isn't too hard to see we're in heaven ♪

[ Laughter ]

Do you feel good?

Yeah, baby. Whoo!

That's wonderful!

I don't think Hank can do that.

[ Laughter ]

Doctor's in the house, baby.

The doctor has checked into the building.

[ Laughter ] Oh, thank you.

Yeah! Fuck, Ken!

What the fuck?

Y'all know that was my audition song.

What? Yeah, it was one of them.

[ Laughter ]

It's awesome. [ Laughs ]

Oh, God, I just love this fucking night!

I love it! [ Laughter ]

I wish we had known you guys back in our day, you know?

Well, I'd say it's still your day, ma'am.

[ Women murmuring ]

Thank you, Richie.

Stand up.

- Oh, no. - Nancy: Come on, stand up.

Tito: Hey!

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

Oh, my God. Just look at you.

You are just perfect.

Damn!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, God.

Oh, damn, look at you. Julia: Here it comes.

I hate to be rude, but...

You want to pop the hood.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, shit. [ Cheering, laughter ]

Oh, my God!

Megan: Mom! Nancy: Oh, please!

Of course you're... You're eating cake by yourself

when, uh, the fireworks are about to go off in there.

This isn't concerning at all.

What can I say?

I like cake.

Do you have any idea what's going on out there?

A lady is about to get...

I don't even know how to put it into words.

No. I'm a cookie guy.

What?

Yeah. It's red fucking velvet.

I would take a pack of oreos over that bullshit

any day of the week. What's wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong. 'Cause cookies are awesome.

Well, I don't think we have anything more

to say to one another.

Look, if you don't want to talk about it or whatever...

I don't know if it's about New York...

But I maybe intuit that it might be...

I'm gonna start hiding the kitchen knives in a minute.

Seriously, it is that obvious.

What's up?

I met a photographer in Miami at this party I was working at.

He was nice and married and all of that.

Mm.

Took a look at my photos and said I had an eye.

Offered me a job right there on the spot as his assistant.

That's cool.

I mean, did he offer a place for you to stay as well

that happened to be his house when his wife was away?

That...

Yeah.

Wait. Were you there?

I was there, but I was in drag. You wouldn't have recognized me.

Mm. But I just want to throw this out there, though.

Um, this might be God's way

of giving you a second chance at Myrtle Beach.

Mm.

Any God worth believing in

certainly sends you dudes in thongs when in need.

Or she just knows that some asshole in Miami...

She?

Yes, my God is a she.

Um, she just might know that... I don't know...

Some asshole in Miami stole your smile and you need it back.

And I can guarantee you

that strippers will give smiles aplenty

and make you forget about New York.

And if that doesn't work, then there will be 3,000 women there,

seeing as you're not in a boy phase.

That's quite a pitch. Mm.

Look, when shit's not going your way,

getting a little crazy with some random friends

has a way of helping you sort out your own shit.

So I'm your friend now?

You've seen me pee.

I don't know anyone that's not my friend that's seen me pee.

Fair enough.

Look, I don't normally trust a cookie guy...

But I'll... I'll think about it.

That's valid. [ Laughter in distance ]

All right. You think about it, Dolly.

I'm gonna go back in there and feed the Wolves,

'cause it's getting a little rabid in there.

All right?

It's Zoe, by the way.

Zoe. Mm-hmm.

Nice to meet you.

Magic.

Magic Mike.

[ Laughs ]

[ Snoring ]

Thanks, man. Yeah.

Morning, gentlemen.

Morning. Hey, buddy.

Everyone sleep all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

You boys have fun.

Mm.

Mm. [ Inhales sharply ]

Mm.

[ Whispering ] Did you bangee?

Did you bangee?

[ Whispering ] Yes.

You banged her?

[ Whispering ] Was she the glass slipper?

Yes, man!

That wonderful, nice lady was the glass slipper?

Hold it. Every inch?

Wow.

Y'all had a crazy connection, man.

I could feel it. I'm so happy for you.

[ Laughs ] What?

You got to be kidding me. Yeah. What?!

You got to be fucking joking.

Oh, shit!

This is us? It was the Ex-husband's.

Said she didn't care what shape I brought it back in,

as long as I brought it back.

Didn't realize she'd been married to Shawn Kemp.

Pimpin'! Sweet!

That is a beautiful piece of machinery, man.

Holy shit.

We're gonna kill on the strip in myrtle. This is nice.

This is gonna kill.

♪ I will bring you starlight by the barrow ♪

♪ I will bring you roses by the score ♪

♪ There's no other way ♪

♪ There's no other way ♪

♪ There's no other way ♪

♪ Meet me in the twilight by the seaside ♪

♪ Meet me underneath the Willow's fall ♪

♪ There's no other way ♪

♪ There's no other way ♪ [ Laughter ]

♪ There's no other way ♪

[ Laughter continues ]

Gentlemen, welcome. We've been expecting you.

Uh, Ms. Davidson called ahead, upgraded your rooms,

and booked you our conference space.

Oh, what's up, Ms. Davidson? Yeah.

Oh, I know what's... I know what was up Ms. Davidson.

[ Laughs ]

That's sick, man.

No! Get outta here!

Tarzan: Come on, man. Tito: [ Laughs ]

So you think it's okay to have me wait for you for two hours?

No, it's not okay, but someone should've told me.

Yo, man.

Don't say I never did anything for you.

I ain't never gonna say that. I promise you that.

Look at this! What's up?

How you doing?

What's up, man?

Hi, sweetie.

So, 3,000 women, man? 3,000 women.

You got some ideas?

Yeah, I got some ideas.

They ain't ready for you.

They ain't ready for us.

[ Up-tempo introduction plays ]

♪ Pack your grip ♪

♪ Takin' you on a trip ♪

♪ Ain't no seats ♪

♪ All we got's dancin' feet ♪

♪ Leave your worries behind ♪

♪ 'Cause rain, shine, won't mind ♪

♪ We're Ridin' on the groove line tonight ♪

Whoot! Whoot!

Whoot! Whoot!

♪ Get this train ♪

♪ Know you'll be glad you came ♪

♪ Hit the track ♪

♪ Party hard there and back ♪

♪ Leave your worries behind ♪

♪ 'Cause rain, shine, won't mind ♪

♪ We're Ridin' on the groove line tonight ♪

Whoot! Whoot!

Whoot! Whoot!

♪ Check out the wheels are turnin' ♪

♪ You know we won't stop ♪

♪ We got this boiler burnin' ♪

♪ We're keepin' it hot ♪

♪ So grab your friends ♪

♪ Get the train Comin' through ♪

♪ Climb on board ♪

♪ Where you leave's up to you ♪

♪ Leave your worries behind ♪

♪ 'Cause rain, shine, won't mind ♪

♪ We're Ridin' on the groove line tonight ♪

Whoot! Whoot!

Whoot! Whoot!

Whoot! Whoot!

Whoot! Whoot!

♪ Leave your worries behind ♪

♪ 'Cause rain, shine, won't mind ♪

♪ We're Ridin'... ♪ good night.

Good night, y'all.

Later, guys.

Where is your yogurt now, man? I'm starving.

Yeah.

[ Groans ]

You really think...

You really think it's gonna work?

You think I can pull this off?

What, the yogurt truck?

Yeah.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Man, I hope so.

I hope I can keep it afloat, man.

'Cause nothing feels that good.

Other than being onstage.

But that's why. That's why it's gonna work, man.

You love it too much.

Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. It's not gonna be easy.

If you want, man, look, I'll...

On the way back down, I'll... I'll go over everything you got.

We'll... we'll go through it.

Yeah? Yeah.

That'd be cool, man.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

You know, I get why you left.

I'm just glad you're back.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Woman: All right, hypnotize.

Make sure you see sound and lighting.

They'll hook you up.

Go on, make some money. Give him a locker key.

Next!

Mike: Paris.

Holy fucking shit. [ Laughs ]

What are y'all doing here? Hi.

Give your mama some sugar!

How are you? How are you?

They always come back. Mm-hmm.

I am great.

I'm a little confused, 'cause Dallas,

he didn't let me know y'all were coming.

Where is he? Dallas is not coming.

It's just us.

Baby, I don't have a spot for you.

You got a spot for us. Come on.

Honey, you know how this works. You're not special.

Especially you. You... you've been out!

How long? [ Stammering ]

"D... D... D... D..." don't worry about it.

Couple years. Come on. You can find us a spot.

You've not been dancing. Come on. Look at you.

Let me see. Come on. You know I...

Are you even in shape? It's like riding a bike.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I don't know.

Who's this? Big dumb Rick? How you doing?

It's dick. Okay.

So, you don't have an M.C. We do have an M.C.

You don't have an M.C. What am I supposed to do?

We do have an M.C.

Rome: Hey, gorgeous.

Shut the fuck up.

Mm-hmm. [ Chuckles ]

Hey.

How you been?

How have you been?

Good.

So, you got a spot for us?

This girl taught me everything I know.

[ Exhales deeply ]

Who is at 10:20? Bumper Grinders?

[ Clears throat ]

All right.

For her.

10:20.

That's why I love you.

That's a money spot.

I expect y'all to make some money in that spot.

Thank you.

[ Mid-tempo introduction playing ]

[ Music continues ]

How are the knees?

Rotten.

Yeah? You good?

Tell you the truth, man,

I haven't felt this nervous since desert storm.

What?

H-how have I known you this long

and I don't know that you were in desert storm?

Just never came up.

Look, I don't know.

Me and you, we haven't really had a chance to have our moment.

Are we good?

You know, Mike, when I called you,

I didn't call to fuck with you.

I called 'cause I missed you, man.

[ Both laugh ]

Read my fangs. Let her make her own decisions.

Psst! Whatever.

Chill, guys.

I fucked Bella!

[ Women cheering ]

[ Cheering continues ]

Who's killing it out there?

Fucking vampire bullshit.

Did you guys see this?

They're doing a fucking "Twilight" routine

and they're mopping up.

All those tweeners are growing up, man.

Makes perfect sense.

Mm. That's true. Yep.

[ Cheering continues ]

Wow. Okay.

Dude, I-I just don't want to fuck this up, man.

What are you t... You're not gonna fuck this up.

And look, and on the off chance

that we actually go out there and shit the bed, who cares?

Don't say that. Why? Fuck it.

Look, I love you guys.

This trip has been ridiculous and amazing.

So please do not make me give the whole

"it's not about how we go out there and do it,

it's about getting to go out there and do it together" speech

that I just fucking gave you.

W... okay.

Richie, what are you?

You're not a fireman.

What are you?

I'm a m-male entertainer.

Entertainer.

Ooh, yeah. What are we?

Fuck it, man. Male entertainers.

That's right. Come on. Get it in.

Rome: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hold that up. Hold that up.

Look, it's not bro time, it's showtime.

Are you guys ready? Yeah. We're ready.

All right. Come on. Let's do this.

All right. Ready? One, two, three.

All: [ Whispering ] Male entertainers!

[ Women cheering ]

We're strippers. We're strippers.

Whoo! Yes! Giving it up!

Oh, Men of Steel in the "Twilight" routine!

[ Cheering continues ]

Oh, that was hot!

Can I hear y'all say "Hot"?

All: Hot! Whoo!

That's a nice Southern welcome.

[ Women cheering ]

All right. [ Sighs ]

Now, I know this is not a competition,

but y'all are gonna go home with your favorites tonight.

[ Women cheering ]

One of my all-time favorites

is making an appearance on this stage after a little while away.

Magical little dancer.

[ Women cheering ]

Mm-hmm.

He's been gone a little while, but he's back.

He has hooked up with the devil himself...

[ Women cheering ]

...and he is back tonight with those friends

to entertain your beautiful selves.

Here they are... Reserrection!

[ Women cheering ]

Man: Good evening, friends.

Women: This is what you're all here for.

[ Cheering continues ]

Man: Lift-off in five, four,

three, two, one.

Ignition.

[ Mid-tempo hip-hop plays ]

Hold this.

[ Music continues ]

Just wait till you see what we got coming up.

[ Music ends, cheering continues ]

Rome: Did you like that, ladies?

[ Women cheering ]

Was it good to you?

Well, just so you know, my name is Rome.

[ Women cheering ]

I'm gonna be your M.C. Tonight.

Now, ladies, do you mind if I refer to you all as queens?

[ Women cheering ]

'Cause every last one of you up in here is a queen,

and don't you ever forget it!

[ Women cheering ]

Now, with that being said, are you ready to be worshipped?

[ Women cheering ]

Are you ready to be exalted?

[ Women cheering ]

Are you ready to meet a special kind of beast

that can bring all the beauty out in you?

[ Women cheering ]

Well, without further ado, we have our first king tonight...

Tarzan.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Man singing operatically ]

[ Cheering continues ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Cheering continues ]

[ Music ends ]

I don't know about you, queens,

but I'd let that beast throw whatever he wanted on me

any day.

[ Women cheering ]

You know how the alchemy of opposites can be so satisfying?

[ Women cheering ]

You have a little bit of cold with a little bit of hot.

[ Women cheering ]

You have a little bit of yes with a little bit of no.

[ Women cheering ]

And you know how we like our kings to be really, really sweet

and really, really hard all at the same time.

[ Women cheering ]

Yes, lord.

[ Mid-tempo introduction plays ]

I introduce to you our candy king... Tito!

[ Cheers and applause ] 50 cent: Yeah.

Uh-huh.

So seductive.

♪ I'll take you to the candy shop ♪

♪ I'll let you lick the lollipop ♪

♪ Go ahead, girl, don't you stop ♪

♪ Keep goin' till you hit the spot ♪

♪ Whoa! ♪ Olivia: ♪ I'll take you to the candy shop ♪

♪ Boy, one taste of what I got ♪

♪ I'll have you spending all you got ♪

♪ Keep goin' till you hit the spot ♪

Whoa! ♪ You can have it your way ♪

♪ How do you want it? ♪

♪ You gonna back that thing up or should I push up on it? ♪

♪ Temperature rising ♪

♪ Okay, let's go to the next level ♪

♪ Dance floor jam-packed, hot as a tea kettle ♪

♪ I'll break it down for you now, baby... it's simple ♪

♪ If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho ♪

♪ In the hotel or in the back of the rental ♪

♪ On the beach or in the park, it's whatever you're into ♪

♪ Got the magic stick, I'm the love doctor ♪

♪ Have your friends teasing you about how sprung I got you ♪

♪ Wanna show me you can work it, baby? ♪

♪ No problem, get on top ♪

♪ Where we do ♪ ♪ and where we do ♪

♪ The things we do ♪ ♪ things we do ♪

♪ Are just between me and you ♪ ♪ oh, yeah ♪

♪ Give it to me, baby, nice and slow ♪

♪ Climb on top, ride like you're in the rodeo ♪

♪ You ain't never heard a sound like this before ♪

♪ 'Cause I ain't never put it down like this ♪

♪ Soon as I come through the door ♪

♪ She get to pullin' on my zipper ♪

♪ It's like it's a race who can get undressed quicker ♪

♪ Isn't it ironic how erotic it is to watch them thongs? ♪

♪ Have me thinking about that ass after I'm gone ♪

♪ I touch the right spot at the right time ♪

♪ Lights on or lights off, she like it from behind ♪

♪ So seductive ♪

♪ You should see the way she winds ♪

♪ Her hips in slo-mo on the floor when we grind ♪

♪ As long as she ain't stoppin', homey, I ain't stoppin' ♪

♪ Drippin' wet with sweat, man, it's on and poppin' ♪

♪ On my champagne campaign, bottle after bottle, it's on ♪

♪ And we gonna sip till every bubble in every bottle is gone ♪

♪ I'll take you to the candy shop ♪

♪ I'll let you lick the lollipop ♪

♪ Go ahead, girl, don't you stop ♪

♪ Keep goin' till you hit the spot ♪

Whoa!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheering continues ]

Now, queens, wasn't that a tasty treat?

[ Women cheering ]

Now, queens, you know, past those closed doors,

don't you get tired of everybody trying to tell you

what is a "Good Woman"?

[ Women cheering ]

How a good woman talks? [ Women cheering ]

How a good woman should be sexed?

[ Women cheering ]

Sometimes you just want somebody to ask you what you want

and just give it to you just like that.

[ Women cheering ]

And then whisper in your ear... "How does it feel?"

[ Women cheering ]

I got the king for you, ladies... King Ken!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Down-tempo introduction plays ]

♪ Girl, it's all on you ♪

♪ Have it your way ♪

♪ And if you want, you can decide ♪

♪ And if you'll have me I can provide ♪

♪ Everything that you desire ♪

[ Cheering continues ]

♪ If you get a feeling ♪

♪ A feeling that I'm feeling, baby ♪

♪ Won't you come closer ♪

♪ Closer ♪

♪ To me, baby? ♪

♪ Mm, now you already got me right where you want me, baby ♪

♪ And I, I just want to be your man ♪

♪ How does it feel? ♪

♪ How does it feel, baby? ♪

♪ How does it feel? ♪

♪ I want to know, how does it feel? ♪

♪ How does it feel? ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ How does it feel? ♪

♪ Want to know, how does it feel, baby? ♪

♪ How does it feel? ♪

♪ Let me take off your clothes and I'll... ♪

♪ I'll, I'll, I'll ♪

♪ I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll ♪

♪ How does it feel? ♪

♪ How does it, how does it ♪

♪ Let me show you what I'm talking about, baby ♪

♪ How does it feel, baby? ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ How does it feel, baby? ♪

♪ Yeah, baby ♪

[ Cheering continues ]

♪ I want to know, how does, how does it feel? ♪

Andre: Y'all give it up for my boy Ken right now

with the pipes.

Y'all ladies hear those high notes?

But now to a more serious subject.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

in the presence of every male entertainer in the Hemisphere.

Y'all do this every year, and every year you do it well.

[ Women cheering ] You do it well,

that hide-and-seek, that don't-go-tell...

It's okay. You can touch.

...that every woman in this room deserves.

And simply because there are so many of you and so few of us,

there is something we simply can't give.

But... we're gonna try to tonight.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Because everybody deserves just a little... commitment.

[ Cheering continues ]

[ Up-tempo introduction plays ]

♪ Well, it's a beautiful night ♪

♪ Looking for something dumb to do ♪

♪ Hey, baby ♪

♪ I think I want to marry you ♪

[ Women cheering ]

♪ Is it the look in your eyes ♪

♪ Or is it this dancing juice? ♪

♪ Who cares, baby? ♪

♪ I think I want to marry you ♪

♪ Well, I know a little chapel by the boulevard ♪

♪ That we can go ♪

♪ No one will know ♪

♪ Come on, girl ♪

♪ Who cares if we're trashed? ♪

♪ Got a pocketful of cash we can blow ♪

♪ Shots of patrón ♪

♪ And it's on, girl ♪

[ Mid-tempo introduction plays ]

[ Cheering continues ]

♪ You let me violate you ♪

♪ You let me desecrate you ♪

♪ You let me penetrate you ♪

♪ You let me complicate you ♪

♪ Help me ♪

♪ I broke apart my insides ♪

♪ Help me ♪

♪ I've got no soul to sell ♪

♪ Help me ♪

♪ The only thing that works for me ♪

♪ Help me get away from myself ♪

♪ I want to fuck you like an animal ♪

[ Women cheering ]

♪ I want to feel you from the inside ♪

♪ I want to fuck you like an animal ♪

♪ My whole existence is flawed ♪

♪ You get me closer to God ♪

[ Music ends, cheering continues ]

Rome: Marry me! Ravage me!

Please!

What?!

All right. Let's settle down, ladies.

We got some serious things to talk about right now!

[ Women cheering ]

All right.

Is there anybody up in here that ain't on birth control?

[ Women cheering ] Oh, no.

I'm keeping it real with you, ladies.

'Cause there's about to be some grown-woman shit

up in here tonight.

[ Women cheering ]

So if you ain't on birth control,

we have illuminated exit signs to your left and your right.

All right?

But I'm looking for two grown-ass women

to deal with these grown-ass men coming to the stage.

[ Women cheering ] What?

Unh.

Oh, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up.

I see me a beauty queen right here.

Zoe. I heard about you.

I heard you're real grown with it.

Come here. Go. Zoe, go. Go.

Don't be scared.

Give her some encouragement, Queens.

[ Women cheering ] Come on, let's not hate.

I know we wish it was us tonight, but it's her.

She's the lucky one. She's the lucky one.

What?

Yeah.

All right, beautiful. Have a seat.

Don't worry.

You're gonna be well taken care of, I promise.

[ Women cheering ]

These two don't need an introduction.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Mid-Tempo R&B plays ]

♪ Here we are, all alone ♪

♪ You and me ♪

♪ Privacy ♪

♪ And we can do anything ♪

♪ Your fantasy ♪

♪ I wanna make your dreams come true ♪

♪ Can you hear? ♪

♪ She's calling me ♪

♪ Between your legs loud and clear ♪

♪ I wanna talk back to her ♪

♪ Make love to her ♪

♪ I wanna hear you scream my name ♪

♪ We can make love on the bedroom ♪

♪ Floating on top of my waterbed ♪

♪ I'm kissing you ♪

♪ Running my fingers through your hair ♪

♪ In the hallway ♪

♪ Making love away beside the stairs ♪

♪ We can do it anywhere ♪♪

♪ Early in the mornings when I think about you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I hit you like, "what you sayin'?" ♪

♪ In the mornings when I wanna... you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I hit you like, "what you sayin'?" ♪

♪ I-I-I could... you all the time ♪

[ Women cheering ]

♪ I-I-I-I could... you all the time ♪

♪ FaceTime when I'm gone ♪

♪ She give me dome from a distance ♪

♪ And she love to climb on top ♪

♪ She love to walk off limpin' ♪♪

[ Cheering continues ]

♪ I-I-I-I-I could... you all the time ♪♪

[ Mid-tempo introduction plays ]

[ Women cheering ]

♪ Cookie, cookie, cookie ♪

♪ I'm a cookie monster ♪

♪ Break your back ♪

♪ Crack it open like a lobster ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ I kill the pussy ♪

♪ Dig a grave ♪

♪ She grab the wood like grippin' grain ♪

♪ I told her put it in my face ♪

♪ Let it rain, let it rain ♪

♪ Girl, I've got a sweet tooth ♪

♪ Ain't nothing sweeter than you ♪

♪ I'm'a eat it up, beat it up till you holler out truce ♪

♪ My bed can be your stage, and I'm'a make you a star ♪

♪ Your legs in the air and my hands ♪

♪ All off up in your cookie jar ♪

♪ Like, mm ♪

♪ Like an oreo ♪

♪ I love to lick the middle like an oreo ♪

♪ Oreo, oreo, like an oreo ♪

♪ I wanna bite it and get inside it till I get you gone ♪

♪ You wanna know how I get down? ♪

♪ You wanna know how I get down? ♪

♪ You wonder how I'm the best ♪

♪ And can do all this with my mouth? ♪

♪ You wanna know how I get down? ♪

♪ You wanna know how I get down? ♪

♪ You wonder how I'm the best ♪

♪ And can do all this with my mouth? ♪

[ Women cheering ]

♪ Cookie monster ♪♪

♪ All I do is win, win, win no matter what ♪

♪ Got money on my mind ♪

♪ I can never get enough ♪

♪ And every time I step up in the building... ♪

I see somebody got their smile back.

I did.

[ Laughs ]

♪ And they stay there ♪

♪ And they stay there ♪

♪ And they stay there ♪

[ Women cheering ]

♪ 'Cause all I do is win, win, win ♪

♪ And if you goin' in, put your hands in the air ♪

♪ Make 'em stay there ♪ ♪ ludacris goin' in on a verse ♪

♪ 'Cause I never been defeated and I won't stop now ♪

♪ Keep your hands up, get 'em in the sky ♪

♪ For the homies that ain't make it and my folks locked down ♪

♪ I never went nowhere, but they saying luda's back ♪

♪ Blame it on that conjure ♪

♪ The hood call it luda-yac ♪

♪ And I'm on this foolish track ♪

♪ So I spit my foolish flow ♪

♪ My hands go up and down like strippers' booties go ♪

♪ My verses still be serving, tight like a million virgins ♪

♪ last time on a khaled remix ♪

♪ Now I'm on the original version ♪

♪ Can't never count me out ♪

♪ Y'all better count me in ♪

♪ Got 20 bank accounts ♪

♪ Accountants count me in ♪

♪ Make millions every year ♪

♪ The south's champion ♪

♪ 'Cause all I do... all I... All I... all I... ♪

♪ All I do is win, win, win no matter what ♪

♪ Got money on my mind ♪

♪ I can never get enough ♪

♪ And every time I step up in the building ♪

♪ Everybody hands go up ♪

♪ And they stay there ♪

♪ And they stay there ♪

♪ And they stay there ♪ ♪ up, down, up, down ♪

♪ Up, down ♪

♪ 'Cause all I do is win, win, win ♪

♪ And if you goin' in, put your hands in the air ♪

♪ All I do is win, win, win no matter what ♪

♪ Got money on my mind ♪

♪ I can never get enough ♪

♪ And every time I step up in the building ♪

♪ Everybody hands go up ♪ [ Fireworks exploding ]

♪ And they stay there ♪

♪ And they stay there ♪

♪ And they stay there ♪ ♪ up, down, up, down ♪

♪ Up, down ♪

♪ 'Cause all I do is win, win, win ♪

♪ And if you goin' in, put your hands in the air ♪

♪ Make 'em, stay there ♪

[ "Pony" plays ]

♪ I'm just a bachelor ♪

♪ I'm looking for a partner ♪

♪ Someone who knows how to ride ♪

♪ Without even falling off ♪

♪ Got to be compatible ♪

♪ Takes to my limits ♪

♪ Girl, when I break you off ♪

♪ I promise that you won't want to get off ♪

♪ You're horny ♪

♪ Let's do it ♪

♪ Ride it ♪

♪ My pony ♪

♪ My saddle's waiting ♪

♪ Come and jump on it ♪

♪ You're horny ♪

♪ Let's do it ♪

♪ Ride it ♪

♪ My pony ♪

♪ My saddle's waiting ♪

♪ Come and jump on it ♪

[ Slow introduction plays ]

♪ All right, come close ♪

♪ Let me show you everything I know ♪

♪ The jungle slang ♪

♪ Spinning 'round my head and I stare ♪

♪ While my naked fool ♪

♪ Fresh out of an icky, gooey womb ♪

♪ A woozy youth ♪

♪ Dopes upon her silky smooth perfume ♪

♪ Right, my little pooh bear ♪

♪ Wanna take a chance? ♪

♪ Wanna sip the smooth air, kick it in the sand ♪

♪ I'd say I told you so, but you're just gonna cry ♪

♪ You just wanna know those peanut butter vibes ♪

♪ My, my simple sir, this ain't gonna work ♪

♪ Mind my wicked words and tipsy-topsy slurs ♪

♪ I can't take this place ♪

♪ No, I can't take this place ♪

♪ I just wanna go where I can get some space ♪

♪ Truth be told ♪

♪ I've been here, I've done this all before ♪

♪ I take your gloom ♪

♪ I curl it up and puff it into plumes ♪

♪ Right, my little pooh bear ♪

♪ Wanna take a chance? ♪

♪ Wanna sip the smooth air, kick it in the sand ♪

♪ I'd say I told you so, but you're just gonna cry ♪

♪ You just wanna know those peanut butter vibes ♪

♪ My, my simple sir, this ain't gonna work ♪

♪ Mind my wicked words and tipsy-topsy slurs ♪

♪ I can't take this place ♪

♪ No, I can't take this place ♪

♪ I just wanna go where I can get some space ♪