Original subtitles

Is your Dr. McDreamy here?

We should all grab a meal sometime.

I think that guy's choking.

Dr. Carl?

What happened?

This guy just saved my life.

- Oh, honey. - Not him.

Him. Loudermilk?

It's a CPAP that Carl brought over.

No, I think he did it because he felt guilty.

Why, because he's sleeping with your imaginary girlfriend?

Yeah, look, not that I care, but I was thinking

since it's raining, maybe it would be a good idea

if we put our shoes out in the hall,

so we don't get the floor all wet.

But you don't care?

Oh, no, not at all.

Not at all, but somebody might.

Show of hands, does anybody give a shit

if the floor gets a little wet?

- Not really. - No.

Fuck, no.

Great. So you don't care

and nobody else cares, that's a non-issue.

So who would like to--

Yeah, but maybe down the road,

we'll get somebody who does care,

so I was thinking it would be good to establish

a no-wet-shoes-in-the-room rule, for their sake.

That is, if you guys think it's a good idea.

Personally, I don't give a shit.

New guy, what's your name? Channing Tatum.

What do you mean, what's my name?

I thought it was supposed to be anonymous.

So I'm just gonna call you "New Guy" forever?

Yeah, I'm good with that.

Okay. New Guy, it is.

Nice to meet you, New Guy. Hey.

But what if we get a new New Guy?

Well, then New Guy and new New Guy

will have to work that out.

I think the newer New Guy

should always get to be New Guy.

Oh, no, no, no. I was New Guy first.

- That's not fair. - Okay, let's--

Let's cross that bridge when we come to it, okay?

Now would somebody like to bat lead-off with something

that's actually worth talking about?

I'll take it.

Mugsy.

I had a brutal day with my boss yesterday.

I was about two seconds away--

Yeah, you know, I'm sorry,

but before we totally get going here,

where exactly did we land on the "no-wet-shoes" thing?

Hey, New Guy, shut the fuck up.

Yes, we landed there.

Okay, take it easy. I'm on your side.

Mugsy.

So anyway, this asshole...

he comes up to me again with some bullshit--

Okay, I'm gonna stop you here for a second.

Remember, when you're bashing the people around you

in your life, you're bashing your life.

Be aware of that. You're right.

And I know he's one of my triggers.

Do you mind if I sit in?

Hey, look. It's a new New Guy.

Does it matter where I sit?

Anywhere you're comfortable, buddy.

All right, breaking your balls...

Yeah.

I can't believe K-douche just stood there

and took all the glory.

The fucker didn't even mention Tom's name.

All in good time, my friends.

No. You need to stop

letting that prick take credit for your ideas.

I promise you, my day will come.

Reardon is gonna promote somebody to head up

the new Voluptuous Vodka campaign.

Kevin is going to help him make that decision.

So no need to rock the boat.

Tomcat. Yes.

Can I have a word with you in my office?

- Yes, you can. - All right.

Okay...

Tommy-boy, did you hear?

Arrow is-- Kapow!

--busting a nut over this campaign.

Yeah. No, I mean, it feels good

to finally see one of my ideas get this sort of traction.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Your idea?

You mean our idea?

This is a team effort, Tom.

Yeah, you came up with the rabbit-daredevil character,

but I flushed it out with you.

You added the lightning bolt to the helmet.

Which is what brought him to life.

Look, I'm not trying to be ungrateful.

You have given me so-- It's okay.

When I was working under Pete, I had a shit-ton of ideas

that I didn't get official credit for,

but right now, you just have to be patient,

young grasshopper.

Okay?

You're a good ideas man,

but your pitching skills, they suck.

My pitching skills don't suck.

Oh, no?

Let's take a page out of my favorite movie,

The Wolf of Wall Street.

I am the client.

Sell me this Cross pen.

Okay.

Um...

All right, ahem. Maybe we could do--

Never say "maybe." It shows uncertainty.

A sign of weakness.

Okay.

All right.

Imagine the Continental Congress is in session.

All the Founding Fathers are there, you know?

They're there to sign the Declaration of Independence.

They all have the old-style quill-and-ink pens.

With the big-- Yeah, yeah.

The dip and the scratch and then-- But--

Now it's John Hancock's turn.

He steps up, whips out the Cross pen,

signs his name 10 times bigger than everyone else

in one smooth stroke.

So everyone gathers around. They wanna know about his pen.

They wanna re-sign their names with it.

But Thomas Jefferson, you know, he's not having it.

He's not gonna rewrite the whole document...

unless...

...he can use the Cross pen.

Wow.

That is not bad.

But...

it's not always about what you are saying,

it's about how you are saying it,

and that needs some work.

When you are ready, you'll get your shot.

Okay.

Thank you.

Whoa, hold up there, Tomcat.

There is one other thing I could use your help with.

Shut the door.

Okay. I need you to go to a meeting for me.

A client meeting? Kind of. Not really.

I got a DUI last month.

Long story short, I got popped

doing 50 in a school zone.

Anyways, I took a plea, okay?

Now I gotta go to a bunch of these meetings

for this stupid drug-diversion program.

But I can't make it to the first meeting tonight.

'Cause I gotta have drinks with Reardon, so I need you

to go to this Sober Friends meeting

and pretend to be me.

Hm.

You're not serious?

Of course I'm serious.

You can go there for an hour,

listen to some funny drunk stories.

You get the person to sign the-- The paper.

It's easy-peasy.

Okay, but...

If I go, as you, to a meeting tonight,

what happens when you go to the next one

and we look nothing alike?

That's why I'm sending you

to a meeting on the other side of town.

I don't know.

Okay. No prob.

I'll just get Gary do it.

No, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Anybody but fucking Gary.

Okay, well, then are you in or are you out?

I mean, it's just not fair.

I took all the same classes and clinics

as those other guys and they all got hired, and I didn't.

Oh, my God, Roger, get the fuck over it, will you?

You bring this shit up every week.

Why should I get over it? It's one of my dreams.

I do have the right to pursue a dream, Tony.

Yeah, but "setback" shouldn't mean "relapse," okay?

Everybody takes lumps.

I know.

I just got so mad. I didn't know what else to do.

Well, I guess you just gotta figure out

what's keeping them from hiring you.

Maybe it's your attitude.

Attitude is important.

What's wrong with my attitude? I've got a good attitude.

You. Do you think I've got a good attitude?

Seems fine to me.

Yeah, but when someone's

working with high-school kids,

you want them to have a certain temperament, right?

Well...

I mean, my teachers all had

different personalities, different styles.

He's not trying to be a teacher.

Oh, what are you trying to do?

High-school football ref.

Maybe they thought you were too slow, Roger.

I ran a four-eight 40. So....

He meant slow in the head.

I completely memorized the rule book,

and I aced the test.

Yeah, but they wouldn't just not hire you for nothing.

I know, exactly. I've got a theory.

I think it's because I'm British.

They think I can't figure out

their football rules.

Or it could be...

Mm-hmm?

Yeah, no offense, I just mean, to be a football ref,

wouldn't you have to...?

What?

Yeah, what?

I-I just mean...

Let's say they score a touchdown,

wouldn't you have to do this?

But I can do that.

Yeah, it's probably the accent.

Sorry, dude, we're totally fucking with you.

Yeah. Gotta fuck with the new guy.

Just to clarify, I'm still New Guy.

All right, but now that your cherry's popped,

why don't you introduce yourself.

Oh, um--

Yeah. My name--

You don't have to stand up.

I mean, you can, but nobody does.

Hi, I'm Tom.

My real name is Kevin,

people just call me "Tom."

It's a nickname from high school.

Because I played the tom-tom in marching band.

Well, welcome, Tom. Hey, Tom.

Hi, Tom.

You wanna tell us what brings you here?

TOM Uh, n-no, no, thanks.

This-- It's my first meeting, so I'm just--

Just here to listen and get this paper signed.

I'm the one in charge of signing that paper,

and I think it would be cathartic for you to share.

Okay.

Well...

I've always been a big drinker.

Ever since-- Since high school.

Junior high, even.

Yeah, I was at a sleepover at Derek Daily's.

During a game of hide-and-seek,

I found the real milk and cookies:

his parents' liquor cabinet.

Few Kahlua and creams later, and--

off to the races.

I was on heroin for a while.

Huh.

Yeah, it was--

It was just like that movie, Trainspotting.

Only it wasn't a movie, and--

But the things I did for that sweet needle....

Like what?

Um...

Well, one time, I sold the family schnauzer...

to some neighbors for extra dope money.

I don't know what the Kims did with him,

but I never saw him again.

That's some fucked up shit, brother.

They probably ate his ass up.

I don't know.

Sorry. I'm afraid we're out of time.

Um, thanks for sharing, Tom.

Oh, yeah. No problem.

You have a sponsor yet?

Do I have a what?

Yeah. That's a big no.

Who wants to sponsor Tom?

Anybody?

Okay, I guess I can handle it.

Tony, it's gotta be somebody

more than two weeks sober. Okay?

I understand it's a personal best for you,

- but it's, you know? - It's okay.

I can get a sponsor next week.

Fuck it. I'll do it.

You sure, Cutter? Uh...

You think you're ready after what happened to Ollie?

I stood up, didn't I?

- Yeah. Yeah, you did. - Um...

Okay. Tom, Cutter. Cutter, Tom.

That's it, everybody, take your cups with you, please.

Can anyone tell me what happened

to this Ollie person?

That's my cross to bear.

Cutter. Oh, hi.

Welcome.

Mm-hmm.

Where are they, Indiana? Yeah.

They're laying six. Excuse me.

I'd go-- Mr. Loudermilk.

Can you believe it? Yep.

Just gotta get my paper signed.

Yeah.

See you at the next one? Absolutely.

Yeah, looking forward to diving in. See--

Do you feel that?

That's the kind of grip this thing's got on you, man.

See you, Tom.

Your disease is a sadomasochistic prick

that wants to butt-rape your soul

and leave you face-down in a pile of pig shit.

As your sponsor, it's my duty

to make sure that doesn't happen.

You see this? It's a five-year chip.

They don't just give these away.

O-okay. I appreciate you wanting to help me,

but I-- I don't think I need a sponsor.

"Denial" ain't just a river in South America.

You sold your family dog for smack.

Now I'm not judging you for it, I know how it is.

But normal people, "normies," they don't do stuff like that.

Give me your phone.

Oh, um, I lost it.

Oh, there it is.

I made you a promise here tonight, Tom,

and that means something to me.

Mm-hmm.

Now you'll know it's me calling.

Terrific.

Why don't we just go grab a horchata?

We can start working the steps.

Um, yeah, this has been really overwhelming for me,

so I'm gonna pass, but....

All right, then.

I'll see you here tomorrow night.

Yeah, yeah. Tomorrow.

Hey.

How'd it go tonight? Good meeting?

It was a great meeting, yeah.

One of my regulars really stepped up big time.

This guy hasn't spoken in months,

and he offered to sponsor the new guy.

I thought the new guy already had a sponsor.

Nah, we got a new new guy.

You should see this kid, man.

He looks like shit. He's been through the ringer.

I think Cutter's gonna be good for him.

Cutter? Isn't that the crazy dude

who looks like Floyd Mayweather after you add water?

He's not crazy. He's just a strong flavor.

He's not crazy?

He tried to sell me a dead rat once

that he'd attached to a key chain.

Said it would bring me good luck in my love life.

♪ You've got A lotta nerve... ♪

Who's playing this shit?

This is the third time this week

I've had to listen to this fucking song.

Oh, it's not that bad.

"Sugar Days" is not that bad?

It's 77 in my book. Which book?

All You Need Is Love

and 500 Other Songs to Kill Yourself To.

Google it. I can't.

Glen next door changed his Wi-Fi password again.

You kidding me? No.

What a paranoid asshole.

All right, well, we'll just crack it, you know?

It's gonna be the name of one of his ferrets.

Unfortunately, he just got another ferret.

So we're totally screwed.

Yeah, I think it's coming from Gay Jim's place.

Who? Gay Jim.

Across the hall.

"Gay Jim"?

No, his name's Gayjum.

It's Pakistani. He's-- He's married to a woman.

Really? Then why is he always smiling at me?

I don't know. Maybe he's gay.

Yep.

Sounds like your Ford needs a new serpentine belt.

What year is that thing?

I don't know.

I'll get it looked at tomorrow.

There's a Pep Boys across the street from my office.

Tell you what, I'll pick one up

and swap it out before tomorrow night's meeting.

By the way, remind me when you see me

that I got your paperwork.

We wanna make sure you get credit

for all the meetings you about to hit.

Wait, wait, wait. You stole my paperwork?

It fell out of your pocket when I grabbed your phone.

No. I need that paper. It's important.

Damn right it is.

That's why it can't be in the hands

of a drunkard who already lost it

in his very first meeting.

Call me if you need anything. No, no I need--

No, no, no. No. No, no, no!

♪ ...So tell me Why you hangin' round my door ♪

♪ You've got a lotta nerve ♪

♪ Got a lotta ♪

♪ Thinkin' I would Take you back ♪

♪ Uh uh, uh uh ♪

♪ I say you've got A lotta nerve ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ After hooking up With that skank ♪

♪ I wanna see you beg now ♪

♪ What makes you think I'd ever think about ♪

♪ Forgiving your ass... ♪ Hey, uh--

I thought I heard someone out here.

Yeah.

I'm just...

making my nightly rounds, you know?

Neighborhood watch.

You want some tea?

Uh, sure.

Okay.

♪ You're such a pretty boy ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

I see you got some new vinyl.

Yeah, I went to that little record store,

over on Market.

That's a good place. Why do they have this shit?

Huh?

Uh, nothing.

I'm just checking out your records.

♪ Yeah ♪

"Wilson Phillips," "Glee: Season Two."

"Glee: Season--" Ugh.

Oh, my God.

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ You've got a lotta nerve ♪

Why'd you turn off the music?

Loudermilk?

She went into Rhino Vinyl,

and this is what she walked out with.

Well maybe she bought them ironically.

You know, to give away as gag-gifts.

No. That's not ironic.

Okay? She was playing "Sugar Days,"

fucking over and over again.

That's not ironic.

It explains why she's with the doctor, you know?

Because they're fucking--

They're idiots when it comes to music.

That's not true. It's absolutely true.

Do you listen to the music in a waiting room?

You can't do surgery and also understand

the intricacies of good music.

It's not-- It's different parts of the brain.

It's not fucking possible.

Oh, really? Okay. Well, what about Dr. Dre,

Dr. John, Doctors Hall and Oates?

Look, anyway, music is subjective. Okay?

Who's to say what's good or what's bad?

Uh, me. Like, I literally wrote the book

on what's good and what's bad.

So she has shitty taste in music.

So, what? It's not her fault.

Most beautiful women do, honestly.

Their adorable ears pick up sounds

differently than you or I.

So stop being an asshole, and bring her

her stuff back. How about that?

No, I can't go over there.

We need a cooling-off period, I gotta process this.

Hey, Loudermilk.

Why'd you take my music?

I'm still processing.

Your sponsor has my paperwork?

Why the fuck did you get a sponsor?

I don't know. It-- It just happened. I--

Don't worry. I'm gonna get it back

from him at the meeting tonight.

Yeah, just-- Just get my paperwork back,

and cut him loose. Okay?

Hold on there, buddy.

I think you can kill two birds with one stone here

and you can get me the rest of the signatures.

How is that killing two birds?

You'd be helping you and me.

But going to your Sober Friends meetings doesn't help me.

Sure it does. I'm gonna owe you big time.

You already owe me.

That is very true,

but now I'm going to owe you big time.

I'm gonna make it my mandate

to help you reach the next level here.

You know this is illegal.

We can get in actual trouble for this.

The crime has already been committed,

Tom-bomb, now it's a matter of--

Showing you that you have some follow-through.

Just give us a minute here, Gary.

See, I knew I should've gotten Gary to do this.

Oh, fuck Gary.

Listen, if I'm gonna do this,

I'm gonna need more than just a promise to help me out.

Okay.

Tell me what you're thinking.

I wanna take point on the Voluptuous Vodka account.

I wanna be in that meeting myself.

Face to face, pitching my ideas.

I wanna show Reardon what I can do.

Do we have a deal?

Okay.

Okay? Yeah. Okay.

Deal.

Hey, man, I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Can I call you right back?

I'll make it quick.

There's a lunch meeting

around the corner from your office.

It's not my scene, but I think you'd dig it.

By my office? Why-- How do you know where I work?

You said you worked right across the street from Pep Boys.

Did a little detective work, and I'm walking

into your office right now. No. No, no. Stay right there.

Stay outside. I'll be right there.

Hey. Hey, pork-snout.

The meeting's just a couple blocks from here.

You're gonna love it, business-type people like you.

How long is this meeting?

If you don't have time for a meeting,

we can go to your office and start working the steps.

You can introduce me to your office friends.

No, no. Let's do this right.

Good attitude.

Whoa.

Hey, old-timer.

I see somebody got a new friend.

Yeah. This is Lil' Pumpkin.

Well, hey there, Pumpkin.

No, it's Lil' Pumpkin.

Lil' Pumpkin?

Is that "Lil," L-I-L,

or "Little" with the T's?

Is there an apostrophe in--?

Hey. Hey.

What happened to you last night?

Last night?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, last night. That was--

It's kind of embarrassing actually.

I-- I had some stomach issues.

The big D.

Diarrhea.

Yeah, I knew what the "big D" meant, but...

Why'd you take my records and my record player?

If you wanted to borrow some music,

you could've just asked.

No. I didn't--

I didn't wanna borrow your music.

I'm sorry. I'm confused.

I felt I had to confiscate your music

to just try to understand

why one person would buy so many crappy records?

What are you talking about? Those are great records.

No, no. Dark Side of the Moon is a great record.

Okay? Fear of a Black Planet.

Doolittle.

Houses of the Holy, great records.

And what's wrong with my records?

Just calling them records is a little bit of a stretch.

Oh, really? So now you're bashing Prince?

Oh, no. Love him. I love him. Love Prince.

Ton of great albums. None of which you own.

You bought Come.

Come is the album that he made intentionally bad

to get out of his Warner's deal.

You're a music snob.

No shit.

I was a critic. That was my job, you know?

I mean, find me a critic who's not a snob.

It just comes with the territory of being right.

You have one decent album in that whole box, okay?

That was Pavement, Slanted and Enchanted.

Well, Emerson, Lake and Palmer?

They're okay. They're all right.

They're horrible in concert. Horrible.

You bought the triple live album.

Okay, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna apologize

for Emerson, Lake and Palmer.

Well, I think you just did.

Look, I'm not--

I'm not trying to be a dick here, it's just--

Heck, you don't have to try, Loudermilk,

because it comes naturally.

Hey, what are you getting so worked up about?

We're just talking music.

You're the one getting worked up.

How dare you steal my records and my record player

and then you tell me my taste sucks.

I did like that Pavement album.

That's Carl's.

Of course it is.

Sorry, you can't smoke out here.

Relax, deputy, it's an e-cig.

No smoke, just vapor.

That's a Marlboro Red.

E-cig.

Oh, I need to get my paperwork back.

I need to get that signed.

Already took care of it, my friend.

I'd feel better if I could hold onto that.

It's my responsibility.

Take it easy. It's in good hands.

You'll get it back once we get all the signatures.

Are you cool flying solo?

I kind of wanna check out the ladies.

You know, I'm kind of into that girl-on-girl thing.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Kinda.

Hey.

Hi.

I haven't seen you at this meeting.

Are you new to the program?

Um, yeah, Kind of new.

It's tough at first, but it gets easier.

You found a sponsor that you like?

That I like?

No.

My sponsor's mentally ill.

That's him, right there, smelling that woman's hair.

Yeah. It can be hard to tell

what you're gonna get when you first pick 'em, heh, heh.

Oh, I didn't pick him.

He picked me.

Maybe you should find someone else.

You know, it's crucial to your recovery

to have a sponsor that you trust and look up to.

Yeah.

Wait, really?

I can do that? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, just be honest with him.

Tell him that you-- It's not a good fit for you.

He won't take it personally. These old-timers don't.

You could have your sponsor for years.

It's-- It's gotta feel right.

Right.

Thank you.

No problem.

So...

want me to be your sponsor?

Oh. Um...

No.

Okay.

I'll come back tonight and pick you up

for the meeting at the Immaculate.

Uh, yeah, listen, Cutter.

There's something I need to tell you.

Did you have a slip?

No. I-- I didn't have a slip.

I'm getting a different sponsor.

I met a guy at the meeting today,

and we just really clicked.

You're a great guy, Cutter. I just--

I think we're a better fit, you know?

Um...

Is this registering?

Yeah. O-okay.

Yeah, of course. Okay.

Just tears at my heart a little.

Oh, no.

I thought you weren't supposed to take this personally.

I am a human being, Tom.

I'm not no fucking robot.

I do have feelings and emotions, and I'm not ashamed of that.

Who is this guy?

It's not that fella I saw you talking to

by the bathroom because I got that weirdo vibe from him.

No. No, it's not that guy.

I met this guy while you were smelling that woman's hair.

What's his name? Uh...

Donny.

How much clean time does Donny have?

Should be two years minimum.

He just got his 10-year chip.

Oh. Wow.

Well, that's certainly enough time.

I should probably hit the road and get myself to a meeting,

or go see my own sponsor.

Rejection's one of my triggers.

Ugh...

I'm sorry.

Yeah, do what you gotta do.

I do need to get my paperwork back from you.

All right, then. If that's what you want.

Thank you.

Thank you, Cutter.

I do appreciate everything you've done for me.

♪ Do you find ♪

♪ It gets a little easier ♪

♪ Each time you make it ♪

♪ Disappear ♪

♪ Oh, fools ♪

♪ The magician Bends the rules... ♪

♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin' I'm tryin', I'm tryin' ♪

♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin' I'm tryin', I'm tryin' ♪

♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin' I'm tryin', I'm tryin' ♪

♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin' I'm tryin', I'm tryin' ♪

♪ Imagine if you were Herr Barockter ♪

♪ Alias and nobleman Son of son of sky ♪

♪ And of scion

♪ Part of his Rich inheritance ♪

♪ Parceled And generous divorce ♪

♪ Sentence forthwith, being

♪ Certain blocks of land And living quarters ♪

♪ Deemed by all gentlemen And wives thereof ♪

♪ To be grossly humane And frankly, quite un-dirty ♪

♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin' I'm tryin', I'm tryin' ♪