Original subtitles

You want to know how to build a rocket, don't ask me.

Don't even ask about it.

You need brain surgery--I'm not your man.

I won't discuss it.

But if you wonder about the quality of a pair of pants, come to me.

I can't think about it.

Pants! That's what I know. Pants.

I had a day, let me tell you.

He says, What about chinos?

Herbrew slaves in Egypt...

I know chinos.

...were in Disneyland compared--

He asked me about jeans. Please!

Yes, being whipped is no bargain...

But overalls--now he's insulting me.

...but the slaves didn't have to book the Himmelmans at Easter.

Einstein knew arithmentic and I know pants.

North knew he was having a coronary.

I said, Do you know who I am?

As a rule, 11-year-olds don't experience these.

In case you forget let me remind you.

But for North this was a sressful time.

I'm number six!

North was having trouble with his folks.

And it was putting a damper on what was otherwise a very successful life.

How successful?

Look at the year he's had.

Photosynthesis: The process by which carbohydrates...

...are formed in the chlorophyll of plants exposed to sunlight.

But did North's folks realize how special he was?

Hardly.

Dad.

I was inspecting pants before you were wearing them...

...Mr. Vice-President- Because-You're-The-Owner's-Son.

God forbid they go through Atlanta.

Try to match my knowledge of belt loops.

See this rash?

Himmelman.

There's no ointment for this.

You know who you're talking to?

This year's...

...recipient of the coveted Mr. Inseam award.

Well, that shut him up.

You know what that stupid Wincheel did to me today?

I saw blood in my stool today.

North?

Are you okay?

What's wrong? - Tell us.

Loosen his pants.

No, I'm okay.

I'll all right.

I'm okay.

But North wasn't okay.

This parent thing began to affect every part of this life.

It turns into wind.

What sense does that makes?

It's not--

Maybe it shows us where the wind was.

What are we supposed to do that information?

To be, or not to--

Line?

Be.

Be.

Ball four.

Six in a row.

Time-out.

How you doing?

I don't get it.

A child is born. He's given a life.

But then he's appreciated by everyone except the folks who gave him that life.

It's just not right.

Let me rephrase the questio-- how's the arm?

Mr. Blankman, I have problems I have to work out.

Problems? You?

North?

So while everyone wondered...

...what could be bothering last year's most valuable player, North left...

...and treaded for this secret spot.

Yes, North had a secret spot.

You know what I mean.

A place that's ordinary to everyone else..

...but for some reason is special to you.

No matter where it is...

...you can feel you're away from everyone and everything.

The spot where you do your best thinking.

The place where you can reflect upon what was...

...mull over what is, or just...

...close your eyes and change the world into whatever you wish it could be.

North probably couldn't remeber when the spot first revealed its powers to him.

It didn't matter at this point.

What was important was, whenever he sat in that armchair...

...he looked like any other kid waitting for his parents to finish shopping.

He was sitting on that spot the first time I saw him.

Why don't they like me?

What did I do wrong?

You okay, kid?

Yeah.

Good.

'Cause I only got a ten minute break.

My back us killing me.

The last thing I need is to hear someone's problems.

Hungey?

No, thanks.

Good.

I'm starved and this is my last carrot.

So, who are you?

I'm North.

I've seen your name on maps.

Very impressive.

Who are you?

The Easter Bunny. Third floor, toys.

- Until Sunday, that is. - Then what do you do?

Whatever I want.

I'm independently wealthy.

Fourth of July I might be Uncle same.

At Christmas, maybe Santa Claus.

My life's a holiday.

How about yours? - Not lately.

I had a real bad game today.

How bad?

I walked nine Panthers and hit my coach's wife with a wild pitch.

That's bad.

You got something on your mind?

Well?

What is it?

You said you didn't want to hear problems.

You believe everything a stranger tells you? Spill.

You wouldn't understand.

Try me. - It's my folks.

What about them?

I don't know.

All they care about is themselves.

Selfish folks.

Yeah, that is rough.

They don't appreciate you.

Exactly. And they're the only ones.

You should hear what other parents say about me.

North's room is always clean.

North always looks both ways.

North never spoils his appetite.

North flosses.

Holy mackerel, your folks are sitting on a gold mine.

Tell me about it.

You realize that you're not alone.

What do you mean?

I may be in a bunny suit, but I'm unaware of some basic truths.

Not being appreciated is a cormmon childhood lament.

- I'm not common! - Of course not.

But I bet you that even Amadeus Mozart...

...who wrote a symphony at age 3...

...still had to hear an angry parent yell.

Stop banging on that piano and go to bed.

Yeah, fine.

But Mr. Mozart is dead and I'm alive...

...so I'll bet that I'm in a lot more pain than he is.

Hard to argue with that.

At this point, I'd even settle for Mozart's parents.

Unfortunately, you can't make that choice.

We cannot control who our parent are.

You're stuck with them.

It's not like baseball-- if you dislike your team..

...you become a free agent, get on another team.

Another team.

This is real life, kid.

The rules are different.

I got to get back upstairs.

If you want my advice-- I know you didn't ask for it...

Go home, make up. And good-bye...

That was it.

Nothing special.

I left him there in his secret spot.

Just him and his thoughts.

Free agency.

What a scoop!

A kid becomes a free agent, then offers his services..

...as a son to the highest bidding set of parents.

Brilliant!

Simply brilliant!

- It's not for sure. - This could be my Watergate.

Winchell, you print a 2-leaflet with a circulation of 90.

I may even get the Pulitzer.

I told you because you're my friend, not editor of the school paper.

- I'm s journalist, North. - So?

You never said this conversation was off the record.

I need time to think.

Okay, I'll hold the story.

But any more displays like the Panther game...

...and some parents may do some thinking of their own.

That damn Panther game.

And that geography test we took today.

What about it.

You got a 34.

Chicago is in Africa?

=D222- Mexio is an island off Of Montana? Where'd you get this?

I can't reveal sources, North.

Besides, how I got this test isn't important.

Why you got this grade is.

Your instincts are correvt.

You need new parent and you need them now.

Unless...

Unless what?

You haven't the guts to do it.

I've got more guts than anybody in this town.

Yeah, talk is cheap.

I feel I owe it to my parents to give one last chance.

What can I say?

You came to me, you sougth my counsel.

The rest is up to you.

No, that's okay.

Thanks, ankyway.

North wanted to give his folks a chance to keep the family together.

He called his mom, but she was busy re-routing the Himmelmans.

That left Dad.

Pants, can I help you?

My name is North. May I talk to my dad?

What number? - Number six.

Number six!

Number six!

Phone call for you.

Prom season. Get a number.

It's your son. - Oaky, just a minute.

=E222- is that piping holding up? - Very well, Mr. Vice President.

Now he's an expert on piping!

Dad, can I talk to you for a minute?

We need these by five.

I only got two legs here!

I'm swamped. Can we discuss this over dinner?

But, Dad--

Okay, we'll discuss it at dinner.

Yeah, right. Dinner.

Well, that's taht.

Okay, guys, let's roll.

Zoe, you take the south side.

Adam, Koreatown's yours.

Here you go.

- I've made my decision. - Let me guess.

How's you know? - News reavels fast.

Apparently.

You got a lawyer?

Do I need one? - This is America.

Everyone has a lawyer.

I happen to know the best.

Arthur Belt.

He's done work for me pro bono.

Move it!

- Where will I find Arthur Belt? - He'll find you.

Come on! We got a paper to get out!

Hello, North.

Arthur Belt, at your service.

The lawyer?

Your lawyer.

From now on, we are a team.

Do and say what I tell you.

Soon, you'll have the best parents in the world.

You sure you can squeeze me in?

Oh, the ambulance chasing thing?

I just do that to beat the traffic.

You should try it on your bike. So? Are we a team?

Yeah. I guess so.

You know so.

Yes, North was going to challenge the entire concept of family as we know it.

The effect was immediate...

...as kids faced pearents with confidence they opnce just dreamed of.

Great idea! North is a genius.

Jeffrey, don't be ridiculous.

Where did I put Arthur Belt's phone number?

Did I say ridiculous?

I meant to say, you look very handsome today.

North will never pull this off.

He's North. He can do anything.

His folks will fight it.

Yes. They won't take this lying down.

Then the media circus began.

How do you feel about this?

Is Winchell's story accurate?

Can we take that as a yes?

North, can you pull this off?

No comment.

If you succeed, how will your actions affect Mother's Day?

No comment!

In 1793, the cotton gin was invented.

North, can you tell us the anme of the inventor?

Under advice from counsel, I must respectfully say, no comment.

Finally, North's day in court arrived, and the world was watching.

All rise for the Honorable Judge Buckle.

All sit for the Honorable Judge Buckle.

Now then, let me remind you that this is a trial, not a hearing.

Though I'll be hearing things from both sides, it is not a hearing.

You'll be hearing the same things I am hearing.

That's your privilege.

However...

...once both eiders are heard, it will be my job to pass judgment.

You can pass judgment, too, but that won't count.

That's because I am the judge.

Is this clear to the plaintiff?

Your Honor, it is quite clear to the plaintiff.

Is this clear to the defense?

Your Honor, the defense rests.

The I will go ahead and make my judgment.

In my judgment, any folks...

...who would sleep through this trial, don't deserve...

...awonderful son like North.

I rele in favor of the plaintiff.

Yes!

The system works. You're a free man.

Hold on, hold on.

Pipe down!

All rigth!

This is a court of law!

Even though I have made a judgment, I still mustmake a ruling.

Now then, today is...

July 1st.

Today is July 1st.

I rule that North choose this nre parents by Labor Day...

...so he can begin school with them.

If he does not choose new parents, he may return to his original ones. But...

...if he is not in the arms of either his new parent or...

...original noes by noon on Labor Day...

...he will be remanded to an orphanage.

And if any of you has ever seen the Little Rascals...

...you know it's no day at the beach.

Orphanage? - Not to worry.

Kid, from snow on, the world is your oyster.

Though North didn't really care for oysters...

...Arthur's enthusiasm was a positive sign.

North free agent draft.

North free agent draft, hello.

His eyes are blue.

Soprano.

Super Maria Ill.

The backstroke.

He believe in God and evolution.

Don't even ask him about the Warren Commission.

Everyone wants you, kid.

Look at this.

You got a plane ticket tp every city in the world.

I must advise you...

...to try to learm as much as you can about each set of parents you audition.

Once you pick someone, they're you're new folks forever.

Understand?

You bet. - That's the spirit.

Let's get cracking!

So North was on his way.

It was July 4th and this year, Independence Day had a special meaning.

North was a free man, and on his way to search out the life he felt he deserved.

There he is. - Look at him.

There he is, Pa.

Hey, howdy, North.

I'm Pa Tex. This is Ma Tex.

Welcome to the great state of Texas.

Howdy.

I know what you're thinking.

Big car, right?

It did cross my mind.

Everything I owe is the biggest and the best.

That's why we want you to become our son.

'Cause you're the best.

To the best.

Home sweet home.

This can all be yours, son.

Main house, guest house...

...livestock, oil wells.

- Rumor has It you like baseball. - I love it.

I used to won the Houston Astros.

What happened?

This morning, I signed them over to you.

Don't get me wrong.

They're fine team, but...

...aren't we rushing thinhs a little.

Pretty fair shooting, Gabby.

Thank you, boss.

What are you doing here?

I finshed my chores. I thought I'd do some shooting.

No, I mean... have you ever been an Easter Bunny?

Easter Bunny? - Careful.

Gabby's killed men for less that that.

Sorry.

No harm done.

What you two cowpokes got planned for tomorrow?

I reckon we'll wake early and eat.

Then we'll dig for oil and eat.

Then...

...rope some doggies, bust some bronce, then maybe eat.

You like Tex-Mex?

I'm a fan of any food that straddles two borders.

That's my boy!

But what is the deal with all this eating?

Remember when I told you everything I owe is the biggest and the best?

You're already the best.

Now we have to make you the biggest.

Don't fret about not clenning your plate.

Soon your stomach will stretch and stretch...

...and your capacity to eat will grow and grow.

You say that like it's a good thing to have happen to your stomach.

It is.

Why?

Then you'll be like Buck.

Our first son.

Biggest boy this state's ever seen.

He could eat more in one day that anyone else could in a whole month.

That's why Buck hated February.

Where is Buck?

He died in a stampede.

I'm so sorry.

Needless to say, it was quite a big loss.

But now we want to show you how much we hope...

...you'll be our new son.

Ready, Pa?

Ready, Ma.

Another rib, son?

You okay, cowboy?

Yeah. Just thinking.

Texas nights are good for thinking.

You doing any particular type of thinking, or just wandering thinking?

I was thinking I stay here...

...I'd be living in the shadow of someone else.

What kind of life would that be?

From what I hear about Buck, what kind of shadow would that be?

Yeah, he was a big one.

Can't be your owe man it they're comparing you to someone else.

Yeah, right.

I left home because I had parents who didn't appreciate who I was.

Why choose new parents who'd only appreciate me if I was someone else?

You're noto something there.

Down in there parts we got a saying.

Sometimes when you're panninf for gold...

...you have to try more than one stram.

You won't reconider?

I'm sorry, but it wouldn't be fair to any of us.

Thanks for the opportunity.

Oh, sir.

It's only right I give you back the Astros.

Thanks, son. That's a class gesture.

Well, good-bye.

So long, pard.

We'll miss you.

Hold on, son.

Something to remember your buddy Gabby by.

Hope it brings you good luck.

Thanks.

So, North resumed his search.

Though he got to the airport by noon, in respect for Ma and Pa Tex...

...like a true cowboy, he waited 8 hours so he could fly off into the sunset...

...with no idea of what was going on back home.

How much loger must we put with this indignity?

How much loger must we tolerate these injustices.

The subservience.

It's humiliating, my friends.

It's demeaning.

Now is the time to say no.

Now is the time to say...

...just because you were born 25 or 30 years before me...

...doesn't make you smart, doesn't make you right.

It just makes you old.

It just makes you smell worse in the morning.

Now is the time to band together...

...and let our parents know we're in a new era.

The ear of our liberation!

An era made possible...

...by a kid who had the guts to fing for the power we now possess.

And now the man whose brilliant legal mind...

...showed us the path to freedom.

Mr. Arthur Ulyess Belt, Esquire.

Thank you.

I am but a humble servant, standing at your ready...

...to assist in noble cause.

Viva El Norte!

But like I said, North knew about none of this.

He was going to Hawii...

...to meet what he hoped would be his new parents.

Governor and Mrs. Ho?

Aloha, North.

Welcome to our island paradise.

Aloha.

We have a big day planned.

Wikki-Wakki will take to the house so you can change.

Aloha.

Aloha?

I thought that meant hello.

In Hawaii, aloha means hello and good-bye.

Doesn't that get confusing?

Only when you're firing someone.

Oh, well, aloha.

Isn't he great?

If you live here, you'll be younger because of the difference in time zones.

So you won't die as early as if lived on the mainland.

That's a plus.

And, it you live in Hawaii, it's easier to get into a good college.

Why?

In the islands, we have but 12 letter in our alphabet.

Five vowels.

A-E-I-O-U.

Sevan consonants.

H-K-L-N-P-W.

I didn't know.

Just think about it.

Wakiki, Honolulu.

Kaanapali, Maunalani.

That's intersting, but how does that get me into college?

Since we don't use B, C, D, and F..

...you're pretty much guaranteed to get all A's.

What do you think?

Well, I like what I see.

But I do have one question just for my own peace of mind.

What is it?

I hope I'm not being insensitive, but...

...you don't have a dead kid you want me to replace, do you?

Dead kid?

North, Hawaii is a lush and fertile land.

In fact, there's only one barren area on all of our islands.

Unfortunately, it's Mrs. Ho.

But it all goes right, you will be our first child.

What a great day.

You know, this might really work out.

I think there's only a few minor details to discuss.

You know, bedtime, your views on snacks--that sort of thing.

Well, what are we standing here for?

Let's go in and push a few numbers around.

See what we come up with.

Ladies and gentlemen, Governor and Mrs. Ho.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...fellow 50th staters, I am thrilled to announce...

...we have reached an agreement which allows me to introduce to you...

...a young man who will become to Hawaii what the peach is Georgia...

...what the apple is to New York and what the wind is to Chicago.

Now, without further ado...

...please give a warm Hawaiian welcome...

...to our new pride and joy...

...our son, North!

What is that?

That will be in every airport, on every highway--

My crack?

My crack will be show in every airport?

Now, son--

What gives you the right to show my crack?

See, the truth is, North...

...I'm governor of a state that's low on self-esteem.

Even now, people don't think of Hawaii as part of the U.S.

Sure, there's a star for on the flag.

But no one came for Hands Across America.

Not even a phone call to let us know nobody was coming.

- It's just inconsiderate. - He's right.

Mainland peole don't care about Hawaii.

They come here with the knobby knees and pale kids...

...and they eat our food and say aloha--like they really mean it.

A week later, they drop us like a sack of rancid poi and go home.

How can we fell good about ourselves?

What does this have to do with my crack?

Don't you see?

If you lived here in Hawaii...

...people would want to settle here.

So they can be close to my crack?

North, you're very important to us.

I don't know.

I need some time to think.

Don't just stand there.

Get your butt in motion.

Yopu might like it.

Squat down. Up, and down.

Now, what is the point?

Gabby, what are you doing here?

For every hour of exercise, you add an hour to your life.

But who needs that extra time if you spend it exercising?

You see what I mean, junior?

Who's Gabby?

A ranch hand from Texas.

I don't know the gentleman.

So, how does it feel to be Hawaii's first son?

I'm not sure that's what I want to be.

Why not?

Beautiful clinate.

Can't beat the fashion.

I know.

But do I want parents who'd show my most private crevice on a billboard...

...just to feel better about themselves?

Refreshing to meet a kid with such strong convictions about his crack.

Dig, man.

I always figured...

...it's the parents who make the kids feel better, not the opposite.

Hang in there.

You'll find what you're looking for.

I hope so.

Though he struck out in Texas and Hawaii.

North felt...

...no anxiety as he still had 8 weeks until Labor Day.

Welcome to Juneau, Alaska.

Remain seated until the plane comes to a full stop in Anchorage, Alaska.

To accompany our skid, we will be showing you another feature film.

Our friend had a dream.

And that dream is becoming a reality.

As North was skidding to Anchorage, things were heating up at home.

Winchell's speeches had created a groundwell.

All across the land, kids were holding their parents at emotional gunpoint.

Anything else, son?

How's my room coming?

I'll have it spotless by dinner.

Viva El North.

As of next Monday...

...no parent will be admitted to an R movie..

...unless accompanied by a kid.

Yeah, right.

Arthur, do I detect a note of melancholy?

North still hasn't found new parents.

Maybe he won't.

Maybe this free agent thing will blow up in our faces!

I'm surprised at you.

Would I embark on such a great endeavor without a contingency plan?

Contingency plan?

Oh, good. I love those.

One Coca-Cola.

One Sex On The Beach.

Aren't naughty?

To our future.

And what a future it is.

According to the latest polls, parents are so nervous...

...78% of them say that they will vote however their kid tells them to.

And since those kids will do whatever you tell them to...

Well, I...

What I mean is...

Right-I'm lting here with the next President of the United States.

I'm happy for you.

You'll make a find commader in chief.

Doll, can your on my lower back?

That's where my tension builds up.

Flight 24 from Hawaii, by way...

...of Juneau is now arrving at gate 7.

Great landing.

You got that skid down to a science.

Thanks for the kind words.

We dent a terminal now and then, but after a while you get it down.

Thanks.

North's first impression of Alaska was positive.

The air was clean, it was beautiful.

Best of all, it was far away feom everything, so there was nothing...

...to distract from life's most precious commodity.

The love of a good family.

Here you go, North.

A nice cup of hot cocoa, and to go with that, our state dish.

...Eskimo pie.

Thank you.

Look at that. The salmon are running.

I'll get a couple of poles and go fishing.

Great. I love fishing.

This is the life, huh? - Sure is.

You like Christmas? - Who doesn't?

Wait till you've had an Alaskan Christmas.

Since our days last for months, you can imagine the festivities.

Opening presents takes three weeks alone, right, Ma?

This all sounds great, but what's the catch?

What do you mean?

What's in it for you?

Nothing.

Really?

No dead kids, no low self-esteem?

No frozen skeletons in your closet?

We have pride, North.

We're proud of our pride.

We wouldn't ask anything of a child.

All we want is for you to be the best North you can be.

We know you'll be a source of pride to the...

...Eskimo community for many, many years.

Jeepers Creepers--that reminds me.

Dad, let's go. Time to flow.

Coming.

Time to what?

Bundle up. It's a long walk.

Who's that?

This is your new grandfather.

Hello, North.

What does time to flow mean?

When an Eskimo gets too old or weak to contribute to society...

...the whole family walks together to the ocean.

Right.

Then the Eskimo is proudly placed on an ice floe...

...and sent out to sea to die with dignity.

And pride.

Okay, everybody, let's go.

But just because he's old doesn't mean he can't be part of the family.

Well, it's a tradition.

I promise, Drandpa wants this as much as anyone.

Right, Grandpa?

Yeah, right.

I've been looking forward to this.

As they made the long trek to the sea..

...North decided to get to know his new grandpa.

He had trmendous affection for old folks.

He found them to be warm, understanding...

...and, most importantly, wahy too tired to yell.

Knowing his time was limited...

North tried to learn all this wise old man knew about life in the tundra.

And another thing--up here...

...if your mom says don't make a face because it will freeze that way...

...you better take her seriously.

Can't you stay a little while longer?

There's so much you can teach me.

Next!

Good-bye.

Let's go.

I only got 4 months of sunlight here.

Move it.

Come on!

You should have done this before.

I got a civilization to run here.

Move it along.

Next!

Let's go. You know what's going on.

Come on. Come on, please.

Good-bye, North.

Do you really have to go?

Don't worry about him, North.

He had a great life.

He's happy to go before he start embarrassing himself.

When drool hardens, it's not a pretty sight.

But--

But, but, but. Let's go. This is no surprise to you.

Take a walk. Come on, let's go.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, Dad.

Bye.

If there's a change in policy in the next few weeks...

...feel free to track me down.

What did he say?

Why don't we grab a ride home?

Great idea.

Don't worry about Granpa.

He'll be okay.

Can I ride on top?

Sure. It's the best view.

Landscape sure is beautiful up here.

Hey, it's you.

No, it's not.

Smell that fresh air.

No smog up here.

How could they do that?

Not even own parents would send my granpa away like that.

Hey, son.

How's the view up there?

Great. Thanks.

Son...

Unless I'm mistaken, you're that fellow North.

Unless I'm further mistaken, you have until Labor Day...

...a week from now, to find new parents.

And unnless I'm mistaken even further, you haven't found them.

Labor Day isn't next week. I just got here.

You walked from your house to the sea?

That's a seven-week walk.

No wonder we stopped for lunch 49 times.

Don't feel bad.

That 6 months of daylight throws everyone off.

I only showered 12 times during the 70s.

Oh, man.

I'll never find new parents.

You can always go back to your original parents.

Oh, yeah.

That's what I want.

To go back to people who haven't tried to contact me in 8 weeks.

Take me to the airport. I haven't got much time.

You got it.

North, desperate with time running out, raced toward an uncertain future.

He was upset his parent hadn't called in 2 months.

He couldn't know they hadn't done anything in 2 months.

As curator of the Smithsonian Institution...

...it is honor to unveil the newest addition to our...

...illustrious Hall of Achievement.

At 78 consecutive days and counting...

...the longest simultaneous coma in medical history...

...ladies and gentlemen..North's folks.

I will now take questions.

How can you equate a medical oddity with man's landing on the moon?

With all respect to the achievements of the Apollo 11 crew...

...the sociological impact of what these folks did...

...dwarfs those of Mr. Armstrong, et al.

All they did was faint.

And thereby shifted the familial balance of power...

...throughout the world.

Through the world?

This is bigger than we thought.

Bigger than you thought.

That's why you're only going to be president.

But what if they wake uo in the next week?

What if they beg for him to come back?

Oh, my God-- what of North goes bnack yo his folks?

Arthur, don't you know that that's an impossibility?

That I would use all my power...

...to preven't a thing like that from happening.

Why don't we grab some Chinese?

Maybe the MSG will calm you down.

Despite North concerm about his deadline...

...he was consled by knowing God needed but 6 days to create the universe.

Certainly, with the extra time, he could find two measly parents.

Greetings, North.

I am thy new father.

And this good woman, who art my wife...

...art thy new mother.

These art thy new bothers...

...who art namled Ezekial.

And these art thy new brothers...

...who art names Art.

Hey, this lloks great.

I've always dreamt of life without the ever-present nuisance of electricity.

Let me just get something.

I left butter churn in the overhead compartment.

Floor it!

North was not one for snap judgments...

...but he had 7 days to evaluate a world full of potential parents.

Long live the North dynasty!

Give him the emperor cut.

You seem like nice folks...

...but to be honest with you, if I lived here...

...I wouldn't get much homework done.

With three days to go before his Labor Day deadline...

...North, the world traveler, arrived in New York...

...to interview his final set of parents, Ward and Donna Nelson, who...

...with their children, Bud and Laura...

...live in the quaint upstate town of Bedford.

When contacted at his office...

...Ward, the local pediatrician, who still makes house calls, said.

My family and I would like to see North's long journey...

...finally be rewardded...

...with a warm and loving home.

We hope we can provide it for him.

Thanks.

Hi, North!

Ward, Bud, Laura he's here.

He's here.

Hi, North.

Welcome to our home, son.

Come in. You tired?

Hungry?

Mom and I baked cookies.

You like Nintendo?

At Mount Rushmore, angry parents...

...protested a bill to lower the voting age...

...to seven.

According to Arther Belt, the rising politician who drafted the--

Wait!

They were talking about me.

Relax.

Soon you'll be hearing your name so much, even you'll be sick of it.

I hight doubt it.

Talk to me.

It's Al with the sleeping dogs.

What about them?

Looks like they counted their last sheep.

So it does.

How long to put Operation Xerox into place?

Less than a minute.

Go to it. And Al...

Yeah, boss?

Don't be burprised if you see extra zeros in your paycheck.

Thanks, boss.

And, Al. - Yeah, boss?

Don't be surprised if there aren't.

I understand.

Good morning.

Where are we?

Where is our son?

Can we see our son?

Absolutely. Follow me.

We have a limo waiting with coffee and hot Danish.

That sounds good.

I won't lie to you, I have a bit of an appetite.

Honay?

I could eat. - Right this way.

Hike!

Okay, Laura, sack the quarterback.

Touchdown!

You faked me right out of my sock, North.

Come and get it.

It's great you're here, North.

I always wanted a brother.

Now I have two big brothers to look out for me.

I know we're excited to have North here...

...but he hasn't decided to stay with us yet.

- You got to stay, North. - We really want you.

Help yourself, everybody.

Can we go to theb carmival tomorrow?

Yeah, can we?

I dont' see why not. Ward?

Sounds good to me.

North...

...we miss you so much.

Please forgive us.

We made... so many mistakes.

We should have appreciated you more.

If only you could give us just one more chance.

We love you, son.

We love you very much.

Cut!

Very nice. Very, very nice.

Touching. Moving.

And yet not over the top.

Keep taping.

So, crazy summer, huh?

Terrible. - Very disturbing.

I know what you're going through.

But if North doesn't come back, you could always adopt.

I just met this adorable 7-year-old-boy.

His name... was Hugh.

Maybe you can adopt him.

Maybe Hugh can be your son.

We don't want Hugh.

He's not our son.

We want North.

I undertand.

Insensitive of me to even bring it up.

You want some more coffee?

Nah, that's okay. - Not for me.

I still don't see why we can't talk to North in person.

That would be a big mistake.

He's very angry right now.

Very sensitive.

Show up unannounced and it could blow up in your face.

It would just kill me to see that happen.

I suhhest you lay low for a while.

I'll have someone escort you to the Plaza.

I told Jean Pierre to give you all the room service you want.

As North's best friend...

...I'd happy to show him this tape, to pave the way for you.

Thank you, Winchell.

You're real friend.

I try.

Bring the car around for North's folks.

Consider it done, sir.

You know, you're doing very well for a 6th grader.

I caught a few breaks.

Adam, take tape to editing.

Colonel Mustard...

...in the study with the rope.

- I don't have any of hose. - Me, either.

Me, either.

Let's see.

Colonel Mustard, in the study, and here's the rope.

Good job. - Can we play again?

No, it's time to hit the sack.

Tomorrow's the carnival.

Your mom's right.

Everybody upstairs to bed right now.

Good night, Mom.

Good night, North.

Brush your teeth before you go to bed.

Sorry to bother you, but I got a delivery for a kid nsmed North.

What is it?

It's an urgent message from his original parents.

I'll see he gets it.

North? Honey?

Can you come down here?

Coming.

What is it?

A man left this for you.

It's a message from your parents.

From my parents?

Do you mind it I...?

Of course not.

Would you like to be alone?

No, that's okay.

What would you most like to say to your son?

We don't want Hugh.

How can that be? He's your son.

He's not our son.

Aren't you upset that you may see your son again?

Nah, that's okay.

Isn't this gut-wrenching, tortuous emotional experience?

Not for me.

He's not our son.

We don't want Hugh.

North, honey, are you okay?

Is there anything we can do for you?

Yeah.

Let me be your son.

Finally, North had new parents.

Parents who made him feel wanted, secure and loved.

Yet something wa still wrong.

The Nelsons were everything he wanted.

Why couldn't he embrace them?

North needed answers.

We don't understand why you're leaving.

Neither do I.

You're all nice people and I'm really going to miss you.

I just have to be alone.

We'll miss you too.

Ans so will Oliver.

North.

If you're hungry on your way to New York.

Thanks, Mom.

I mean Mrs. Nelson.

So with 24 hours until his Labor Day deadline...

...no parents, and the prospect of living in an orphanade looming.

...North felf he only had one option left.

He would disappear.

Can you spare some extra chage?

Maybe it'll bring you more luck than it did me.

Hey, it's got a hole in it!

What good does this do me?

Yes, he would disappear.

Ans where better to do that than amidst the teeming, faceless masses of the city?

He's entering the park.

I'm just looking for the right time and place.

So long, Al.

What was that about?

Our friend has a change of heart.

Change? - He left the Nelsons.

He's decided to come to our fair city.

Oh, no. But this ruins everything.

Arthur, please. Use your head.

This is godsend.

It is?

Of course.

Even as we speak, adults across this great land of ours...

...are feeling humiliated. They blame North for their frustrations.

Do you know how many angry parents...

...would like nothing better trhan to do away with him?

And do you know the one catalyst...

...that can give a political movement true cohesion?

That's right. A martyr.

You're a genius.

It's briliant.

It's absolutely Winchellian.

But for North to be a martyr, doesn't he have to be killed by a parent?

Well, maybe we'll gxet lucky.

As North ran for his life...

...he realized his dream finding perfect parents had become a nightmare.

Damn it!

North. Over here.

Adam, what are you doing here?

Listen to me carefully.

I'm not here.

You never saw me.

We're not having a conversation.

Got that?

Got what? - Perfect?

So, what are we not talking about?

This.

I don't see anything.

What you don't see is a tape of a talk Winchell had with your parents.

I saw it. - No, you didn't.

I forgot. I didn't see it.

No, you saw it.

This is what you didn't see when you saw it.

I see.

You don't. Look at the tape.

How'd you find me?

Winchell.

He bugged the Nelsons' phone.

I've been working for him since you left home.

Some guy was chasing me with a gun.

He was shooting at me.

Did that have anything to do with Winchell?

Oh, man.

So why are you doing this?

I'm not.

But it I was, it's because I think Winchell's gone too far.

And you were always good to me, North.

You never picked me last.

You never made me play right field.

I won't forget that.

Thanks, Adam.

Oh, man.

I just don't feel safe anywhere.

Adam?

A hot dog with just mustard.

One dollar.

Out of five.

Two, three, four, five.

There you go.

Where'd you get this?

A bum bought a hot dog from me an hour ago.

Why?

No reason.

You won't see him no more.

Wach! Wach!

Move it, kid.

A man walks into a bar.

He sits down next to a...

...beautuiful woman and soon the conversation...

...turns to sex.

He says, My darling, do you smoke after you make love?

She says, I don't know.

I never looked.

But I'll tell you one thing-- my smoke alarm never went off.

Good night, folks. You've been great.

You the kid with the tape? Come in.

I want to try out my new VCR.

- How did you know me? - What?

I came to see you because you looked familiar.

Of course I do. I'm almost famous. Joey Fingers.

And you are? - North.

One of my favorite directions.

Mallomar?

No, thanks.

That bad, huh.

No kid refuese a Mallomar unless he has heavy problems.

North...

...we miss you so much.

Please forgive us.

We made...

...so many mistakes.

We should have appreciated you more.

If only you could give us just one more chance.

We love you, son.

We love you very much.

Beautiful.

Works great.

You got some pretty nice folks, kid.

I said, got nice folks.

I guess so.

What do you mean, you guess? And what do they mean, one more chance?

I thought they didn't love me.

What, are you nuts?

They didn't always pay that much attention to me.

So I left to find new folks who's appreciate me more.

I searched the world, but nobody was good enough.

Not even the Nelsons, who I just left.

And they weren't bed folks.

Maybe there's something wrong with me.

Nothing wrong with you.

And I'm sure the Nelsons weren't bad.

They just weren't your folks.

You see those opeple tonight?

The audience?

They paid attention to me. Heard every word I said.

They laughted. They screamed.

They applauded.

They loved me.

But do you think that audience will mmake me tea if I'm sicck?

Or give me advice when I've fought with my best friend?

Or, God forbid, I get in trouble.

Who will I turn to? I'll give you a hint.

Not that audience.

- Oh, God. What have I done? - I'll tell you.

You've realized something most people take a lifetime to get.

Some people never figure it out at all.

A bird in the hand is greener than the grass under the other guy's bushes.

It's a metaphor used mostly by gardeners and landscape people.

Hey, kid!

Where are you going?

Home. I miss my parents.

How? You got a car?

No. I'm eleven.

Then we better take mine.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Fingers.

Make it Joey.

And you're welcome.

Remember-- if you can't stand the heat, stay out of Miami.

What does that metaphor mean?

What metaphor?

In August, your balls stick to your leg like glue.

So, North finally found the parents he'd been looking for.

Much to this surprise... they were his own.

So, with a smile on this face...

...North waited to board the plane that would take him to those parents.

Where are you going?

- Home. - Not on this plane, you're not.

Why not?

It says here you're dead.

But I'm not.

How can I be sure?

I'm standing here.

Which scares me.

If I'm scared, imagine how the other passengers will react.

But I'm not dead.

Sorry, I can't take the chance.

It's North. He's alive.

What's he doing here?

The flight's to his hometown.

He's going to his parents.

It will ruin everything. Get him!

What did I do?

Hey, hid, hop in!

Are you some kind of guardian angel?

I guess you could say that.

We at Federal Express feel we are guardians.

Guardians of your most important packages and communiques.

Yeah, yeah.

Just get me home, will you?

If your absolutely, positively must be there tomorrow we can do it.

You don't let up for a second do you?

I have no idea what you mean.

Just tell me what to do, okay?

Get in.

Federal Express, huh?

Okay, thanks.

Oh, Al.

Can I have a word with you?

Sure, boss.

Remember when you told me North was dead?

Just curious...

What did you base that on?

I can only assume you think this is blood.

And if had an I.Q. below 24, I suppose I might think the same.

But the stain on this cap is from borscth.

Borscht.

A beet-based soup, Russian in origin, frequently served...

...chilled with a dollop of sour cream.

I make a good borscht.

And I'd love to sample it someday.

But the point I'm making, Al...

...is that unless North's head is filled with this traditional Slavic delicacy...

...he's hot dead, you idiot!

Not now, Arthur!

This just calls for a slight change in plans.

I'll take over.

Okay.

Sign on the fourth line.

What time is it?

Normally I would answer, No later than 10:30.

But thanks to the jam on the highway, I'm sorry to say it's almost ten of twelve.

We'll be happy to refund--

No, that's okay!

Mom!

Dad!

I'm home!

Mom!

Where are you guys?

Hello, North. Happy Labor Day.

I trust enjoyed your summer.

Where are my folks?

At a safe place.

Where the hell are my parents?

Did you say the hell?

My this summer has really broadened you.

I have ten minutes to find my parents.

If you don't tell me where they are...

...I'll show you how much I've broadened, asshole!

Why are you smiling?

I was thinking what s heat-warming scene it will be...

...when you meet your parents at your secret spot.

How do you know about my secret spot?

I'm a jornalist.

It's job to know about these things.

As much as I'm enjoying this chat, shouldn't you be off?

After all, you're down to...

...9 minutes.

Where is he?

Winchell said he'd be here by now.

Don't worry.

He'll be here soon.

Soon may not be good enough.

I've been sent here by the court...

...to ensure North is in your arms by 12:00 noon.

How much time is left?

Six minutes.

And that's my own clock from my own house.

Maybe we should look for him.

No, honey.

What if we leave and then North shows up and we miss him?

Relax, honey.

Winchell's a man of his word.

He has less than one minte.

I'll go look for him.

Good idea. - Bad idea.

The ruling states that North be in the arms of both parents.

That's two parents, four arms.

If one of you leaves, that's only two arms.

That's math.

Mom!

Dad!

You still here?

Yeah.

I must have fallen asleep.

Come on.

I'll give you a ride home.

...then you were a beach bum, then your drove a sleigh...

...and you said my parents were the best parents for me.

I said that?

I must be a pretty smart guy.

What's that?

Oh, nothing.

Just something I've always had.

You know, for good luck.

It may be good luck for you.

I bet that eagle is whistling another tune.

Here we go-- 35 Maple Drive.

Thank a lot, mister.

Don't mention it.

And remember--be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.

With the possible exception of Vegas when Sinatra's in town.

Mom! Dad!

Where were you? We were worried sick.

I fell asleep in the mall.

We called the hospitals, the police.

We lokked everywhere.

You did?

Of course we did.

We love you so much, North.

If anything happened to you, I don't know what we'd do.

I love you guys, too.

You hungry? - A little bit.

A little bit?

Okay, a lot.

You go upstairs and put on your pajamas.

We'll bring something up.

Honey by the way Winchell called

and he said he hoped you're not still omgry at him for bringing that

pictwies of you and your muder wear on the school newspaper.

Nah! That's okay.

Oh! North! We're so happy you home.

Mom!

I'm sorry.

I just want reaching for each others, and I got shot in the back

and that when I woke up.

Well, that's quiet a dream.

You know Norht, honey.

Daddy and I are only human and sometimes,

we get a little preoccnipied and that never mean that we don't love you.

I know.

Still no excuse for us that not to listen better.

I know.

I tell you what from now on we both gonna try a little harder, is't it okay son?

Thanks, Dad.

Good night, lovely.

Good night, Mom.

Good night kido.

Good night, Dad.

Oh! Dad, tomorrow do you think we're going to...

Another pants with the rippost they put it purpose, to me those are up real jeans.

You see this rash, it fells that human are only take the ball perle.

I think my pants will hold, only if you put in the box for savation army.

The active style will even push making out.