All language subtitles for RuPauls.Drag.Race.All.Stars.S07E08.WEB-DL.1080p-FN.en

RuPaul: Previously
on All Stars...

Yvie went from zero stars

to literally 14 in one week.

[all laugh]

For this week's maxi-challenge,

you need to create
a signature look

inspired by one
of my classic looks.

So, Viv, are you wishing
you had blocked someone else

now that you know
it's a design challenge?

[all laugh]

Uh, yeah.

Trinity the Tuck.

My goodness,
is this just beautiful.

-Thank you.
-Jaida Essence Hall.

It's like
a Bob Mackie for Cher

amazing quality garment.

Jaida Essence Hall
and Trinity the Tuck,

con-drag-ulations.

You've each earned

a legendary Legend Star.

This is your chance

to block one of
you fellow queens

from receiving a legendary
Legend Star next week.

Trinity the Tuck,
con-drag-ulations.

You're a winner, baby.

Yay!
[applause]

With great power
comes great responsibility.

I have to stop you
in your tracks.

Whoo!
Come on, Jaida.

The rematch.

Remix part deux.

Hot diggity dog.

I'm part
of the two star club, bitch.

Call me the Hollywood
Walk of Fame, bitch.

All the stars.

Walk all over me!

Congratulations, ladies.

I got the $10.000.

-Yes, money.
-Finally.

Jaida has three stars.

Bitch, three stars.

What the hell?
That's crazy.

I had this fantasy
in my mind

that I was going to be
the first and only queen

to get three stars, and I did.

[laughs]

See, sometimes it pays off
to be delusional.

It's very weird
to be, like,

a star ahead of anybody else
in the competition.

It's kind of crazy.

But you technically

would have three stars
as of today

-had you not been blocked.
-What?

-[laughs]
-Aah!

[whispers]
You're blocked.

That was so week one.

We've grown past that.

[all laugh]

[laughs] Have we?

Let's be real.

I am slaying the game,

and I would be in the lead

if is wasn't
for shady-ass Shea.

Rethinking my block, honey.

Uh.

Oh.

Oh, she's coming
right over here.

[laughs]

Let me sit
next to my good sis.

Why'd you block me?

Um...rationally,
it came down to y'all two.

You both have two stars.

Neither one of y'all
had been blocked yet.

And then she was in the top,

so it just came down to you.

That's legit.
I'll take it up to the handle.

[all laugh]

I will be honest.

I thought maybe Jinkxy-poo
a little bit,

but she's been blocked already.

She's been blocked
more than my eyebrows.

[all laugh]

Imagine if you
got blocked today.

I would have been cracking up.

I'm trying
to be cool about it.

I'm trying to be,
like, yeah, man, whatever.

And at the same time,

I feel like don't look at me.

Don't look at me.

Don't you look at me
with that block.

Who has two stars?

Not me.

-Two. Two.

I have two.

Three.

-One.
-One.

-One.
-One.

How do y'all
think, that, like,

anybody's gonna make a path
to get to the finale?

Ask Jaida.

Because there's only
a few more weeks left.

Four challenges left.

So, I mean, technically
at the moment,

with one star
we'd have to be in the top

at least twice more.

Oh, my God.
Viv, shut the fuck up.

Which is even more frustrating.

I'm not saying
that I'm, like,

a mathematician or anything, but...

[all laugh]

...those numbers
don't look good to me.

[all laugh]

I need to win every week.

Four of the girls
up in this werkroom

are going to the finale.

With only four weeks left,

girl, how am I supposed
to win enough stars?

Go-Go Gadget math symbols,

because I'm sitting here
bald headed

with one star.

I feel raggedy as hell.

I'm geeked, bitch.

When you and I
started the competition--

-We were like...
-Working bitches.

And now we're just here,
like... ♪ okay ♪

[both laugh]

I know for a fact

I'm one of
the fiercest bitches here.

It just doesn't add up.
It just doesn't make sense.

So I need
to put the pedal to the metal,

bring my belt up to my nipples,

strap in,

and make the star appear
in my clutches.

♪ Three stars,
Jaida's got the three stars ♪

Please, Ru,
may I have some more?

-Yah!
-Aah!

Get out of here.
I gotta urinate.

♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪

RuPaul: The winner of
RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars

receives a one-year supply

of Anastasia Beverly Hills
cosmetics,

a cash price of $200.000,

and will be crowned
queen of all queens.

With extra-special guest judge

writer and director
Janicza Bravo.

♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪

♪ May the best drag queen ♪

♪ Best drag queen win ♪

♪ Yes ♪

-Ooh.
-All rightza.

-She's ready to go.
-[laughs]

Guten morgen, meine lieblings.

It's a brand-new day,

and I've got the whole world
in front of me.

The world is full
of possibilities

for a young Jinkx Monsoon.

[laughs]

Well, Monét,
you did not get the memo

of black and white
or off white.

-It's a new alliance, Monét.
-Oh, that's what this is.

Everybody except Monét
alliance.

[all laugh]

Oh, my God.

[alarm]
Oh!

[all laugh]

RuPaul: Ooh, girl.

She done already
done had herses.

Hey, ho's.

Who comes but once a year,

and still ain't
nobody complaining?

So you better sit on his lap

and make it rain, dear,

or he'll give you something
to really scream about.

[giggles]

[all laugh]

Oh, my God, it's Christmas.

It's Christmas.

We're about to get
a huge package.

[all laugh]

Hello, hello, hello.

[cheering]

Come on, suit.

My legends, it's the most
wonderful time of the year.

Halloween!

[all laugh]

Well...

[all laugh]

For this week's maxi-challenge,

you'll be starring in
the soon-to-be cult classic

Santa's School for Girls.

Oh!
[all laugh]

#AllStars7.

Now, it's part Christmas movie,

part horror film,
part Mean Girls.

-Yes!
-Ooh!

And, yes, it came to me
in an Ayahuasca dream.

[all laugh]

Now, Trinity,
since you won last week,

you'll be in charge
of assigning the roles.

Hi.
[all laugh]

Later today,
you'll head to the set,

where you'll be working with me

and our extra-special
guest judge,

the writer and director
of the acclaimed film Zola.

[gasps]

That's right, Janicza Bravo.

[cheers and applause]

Racers, start your engines,

and may the best Legend win.

[cheers and applause]

-Yes.
-Ahh.

Let's sit.

This week's maxi-challenge

is the soon-to-be cult classic
Santa's School for Girls.

This is the Legend season.

We need this
to be Oscar worthy,

not straight to DVD.

So do y'all wanna, like,
read over everything,

and then we could,
like, decide?

I have the task
of casting this production.

That is a lot of pressure.

Nutmegan Kelly,
the headmistress,

Christmas traditionalist.

There's something sinister
about her.

We want to make Christmas
great again!

Oh, God.

[all laugh]

Miss Toe, the cool teacher.

Noelle, the new girl.

Open-minded, unique,
and a funky style.

And then there's
the naughty girls,

starting with Scrooge,
a goth girl with Rizzo attitude.

And then there's Hannah,
the nerd.

The nice girls: Merry,
the leader, Regina George type.

[all laugh]

-Okay.
-Ooh, okay.

Holly, the shopaholic.

Joy, the dumb one, always
the last to get the joke.

I like Nogigging--

Nogegg.

Nogegg. Oh, I get it.

I like nogegg--
I mean, eggnog.

I thought you were doing
the character.

[all laugh]

I think you've just
assigned Joy to you.

[all laugh]

I wanna make a list.

I'm gonna try to place everybody
with what they want.

-I say Hannah or Joy.
-Okay.

Headmistress Nutmegan
or Miss Toe.

Noelle?

-Nutmegan, the headmistress.
-Scrooge.

The Viv, since you let me
pick the fabric first...

Mm, mm, mm. Trinity.

Yay!

I'm gonna let you
have your first choice,

which was Nutmeg.

-Thank you.
-Okay.

I've got my first pick.
What'd everyone else get?

I'm gonna go with Joy.

Shea, we'll do Noelle for you.

Jaida, do Hannah.

Yvie, we'll do Merry for you.

Raja, you're Scrooge.

Jinkx, since Nutmegan
is taken--

Miss Toe.

I was open to Miss Toe as well.

I know that Jinkx would do
a great job as Miss Toe.

But you know what?

Jinkx has won three challenges,
she has two stars,

so I'm not gonna let her
come up in here and win

and get a third star.

Absolutely not.

We could do auditions.

-I live for the auditions.
-Okay.

Beautiful, girls.

As the great Bob "Diana" Ross
once said,

we don't make mistakes,

just happy
little accidents. Yah.

"Yah."

Beautiful, girls.

As the great Bob "Diana" Ross
once said,

we don't make mistakes,
just happy accidents.

Oh, this is Jinkx.

Me and Monét have an alliance,

and we're not out to be shady
towards anybody.

But we are looking after
each other,

and so...

-I'll do Miss Toe for you.
-Okay.

So, Jinkx, you're Holly.

[laughs]

Oh, gosh.

It's a super fun script.

I think the headmistress
is stuck in a time capsule.

She still thinks she's in,
like, old Hollywood.

[laughs]

She's gonna be
this very transatlantic

Faye Dunaway
as Joan Crawford,

crazy behind the eyes,
very shoulders.

[inhales]

And I'm gonna be dead
behind the eyes.

[laughs]

Headmistress with an evil side.

I mean, come on.

This is a role of a lifetime.

I've been dreaming
of playing this part

since I was four years old.

I'm just gonna go Joan Crawford
all the way.

Don't fuck with me, fellas!

This ain't my first time
at the rodeo.

Let's go.

Do you like your role?

Um, yes.

You know, she's
the straight character,

but it's just about
finding those nuances.

How about you?

I, like, could totally see,
like, nineties grunge,

like, gothic Raja.

Scrooge the goth girl

basically is, like, Nancy
from The Craft.

She's a little bit Lydia
in Beetlejuice.

I really wanted that one,

just because, you know,
I didn't need a ton of lines,

but, you know, I like a look.

Yes.
[both laugh]

She's, like, a professional
eye roller, you know?

She's like, ugh. Me.

So pretty much me.

I love this character.

This character actually might
be, like, eight different girls

that I had a crush on
when I was in high school.

So I get it.
I know this person.

She's angsty.
She's, like, whatever.

You know, kind of me.

This is such a tight race,

and it's gonna be
such a tight race,

I feel like,
down to the last star.

I have three stars, so I feel
like I can see a way to the top,

especially if I win
another challenge.

But, I mean, there are
some really good actors

in this group of people, so--

I know there are.
There's a lot of really--

This challenge
is going to be difficult.

I have to stay focused.

Keep your mind right
and your ass--

keep your ass right--no.

Keep your ass right
and your mind will follow.

But switchies.

Ziggies. [laughs]

I wanted to check in on you.

Why?
[both laugh]

Because, I mean, I know that
that's not what you wanted.

I wasn't trying to be, like--

No, I feel like--

I really tried to give
everybody what they wanted.

-I'm not bitter.
-Okay.

I just need to breathe through

not getting
any of the roles I wanted.

-[laughs]
-Yeah. I'm sorry.

If anything,
it's an even bigger challenge

to shine in one of the smaller
roles you didn't want, so...

Yeah.

Well, I didn't even realize
how small mine was.

Well, I'm just gonna have--

I mean, literally,
if I have, like, five lines,

I'm gonna make them the longest
lines in the whole scene.

-[laughs]
-Yeah. No, drawn out.

Admittedly, I'm not happy
with my role.

But I know my skills.
I know what I'm good at.

I know I can take
the smallest character

and make it stand out.

Scrooge. Scrooge.

Scrudge!

And now I'm just excited
to be Holly

for the next however many hours
this is going to taaa...

aaa...

aaa...

...take.

[chuckles]

[RuPaul laughs]

Oh, dear.

[both laugh]

This week's maxi-challenge

will be acting and starring

in Santa's School for Girls.

Ru, I'm ready
for my closeup.

Ooh.

Young female ingénue, check.

Say hello to Janicza Bravo.

-Hi.
-Hello.

Hi. Thank you so much
for having me.

I am such a fan of all of you.

I can't wait
to play with you today.

That's right, you're in
the capable hands

of an A-list director.

Am I really auditioning
for a role?

Janicza, hire me, girl.

I gotta put my big girl panty
acting on.

My--wait.

I gotta put my big girl
acting panties on.

Okay, Shea and Viv are first.

And action.

Welcome to Santa's
School for Girls.

Thanks, Headmistress Nutmegan.

Noelle, please.
Please, Noelle, call me Nutmeg.

That was fantastic.

What you're doing is magical,

and I love how you're
playing with your mouth

and how you're moving
through it.

Between the two of you, I would
try to lose some of the air.

-It could be a bit snappier.
-Cool.

And action.

Oh. Thank you,
Headmistress Nutmegan.

Noelle, please.
Please, Noelle, call me Nutmeg.

Listen, Noelle, at Santa's--

Ru, stop!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

[all laugh]

And meanwhile,
your ass looks mint.

Thank you.

Your ass is doing all the acting
that you will ever need.

[all laugh]

All right, that's a wrap.

Phone my agent quick.

What's the new Hollywood
blockbuster?

I mean, I'm in Hollywood.

There's no point
in going home now.

[laughs]

And action.

This is Merry,
Holly, and Joy,

the nice girls.

-Hail, Santa.
-Hail, Santa.

And cut.
For the "Hail, Santa,"

I think that's a great place

to kind of try and find
the unity, right?

Because what I'm feeling
is three individuals

as opposed to, like,
one kind of nucleus.

-Does that make sense?
-Yeah.

All: Hail, Santa.

[laughs]

You still believe in Santa?

[all gasp]

And cut.

In the moment where Shea says,

"You still believe in Santa,"

it would be amazing
to have some kind of, like,

individual big feeling
about what that is.

Like the... [gasp]?

Yes, yes, you know,

but feel it, like,
from your feet up.

Awesome. Let's go again.

You guys
still believe in Santa?

[all gasp]
As in the jolly fat guy?

And cut.

I feel we wanna get
a little bit bigger.

Yeah.

[all gasp]

-As in the jolly old fat guy?
-Aah!

Ahh...

That's enough!

And cut.
That was beautiful.

That was so fun.

It was individual,
but unified.

I am in love with Janicza Bravo.

She is possibly the best,
most dedicated person

I have ever seen
in that director's seat.

Plus, she speaks in the hippie
words that I understand.

"Energy."

It still had
a good deal of energy,

and that was just
really exciting.

"Divine."

The delivery feels divine.

"Manifest."

I really still
wanna be able to feel you.

We could vibe, and I'm going to
give her my best because of it.

All right, moving on
to our second setup.

I love your dreads.
They look so real.

They are, Ru.

I took off that bald cap
I've been wearing all season.

[all laugh]

I was, like, I've had it.

I wanna show Ru the real me.

[all laugh]

Action.

Absolutely beautiful, girls.

As the late, great
Bob "Diana" Ross once said,

we don't make mistakes,
just happy little accidents.

And cut.

-You're doing this Womana voice.
-Yeah.

I think Monét's regular voice
is Womana enough for me.

Okay.

Can I hear you say
the first few lines

without sounding like
Janice from the Muppets?

[all laugh]

And action.

Absolutely beautiful, girls.

Oh, as the great
Bob "Diana" Ross said,

we don't make mistakes,
just happy little accidents.

That felt so much better.

I don't know if that
felt better for you.

-It did, it did. Yeah.
-It did, right?

I felt who Monét is
as a teacher.

I felt Earth Mother in there.

[deep voice]
Oh, yeah, I'll do it that way.

[all laugh]

And action.

Noelle, why are you over there
talking to those losers?

I heard they're here
on scholarship.

Scholarship? I've never
gotten a scholarship.

In fact, my parents
have to pay extra

for me to even come here.

And cut.

Jaida, I just wanna commend you
on your physicality.

Even when you weren't speaking,

you were so inside
of that character,

and I think that
that's so beautiful,

and it shines, so bravo.

-Thank you.
-And then Trinity,

instead of going
dumb and giggly,

you're going ehh.

She laughs at her own dumbness,

but it's not, like,
oh, help me, you know?

Okay, so just be dumb and silly.

Dumb and silly and fun.

You love being dumb.

-Okay, I love being dumb.
-Yeah.

[all laugh]

Yeah, take pleasure
in your absence.

-Okay.
-Yes.

I love this direction for me.

[all laugh]

I've never even gotten
a scholarship.

In fact, my parents paid extra
for me to even be here.

-[laughs]
-Cut.

I saw the pleasure
in your absence.

It was funnier.

Okay, good.
Hello, award-winning stupid.

Ha!

And action.

Miss Scrooge, you're late.

Sorry. I was giving
my boyfriend a frosty.

[all gasp]
Oh, come, all ye faithful.

And cut.

Raja, you were wonderful.

I love your attitude coming in.

That was so good,
that swagger was so good.

I wanna also be super pointed
when you deliver that line.

-Okay.
-And action.

Sorry. I was giving
my boyfriend a frosty.

[all gasp]

Oh, come, all ye faithful.

[RuPaul laughs]

Eew!

So cute.

And cut.

-[laughs]
-That felt great.

I loved how
you sold your line, Raja.

Like this?

Ultimately, I wanna make people
laugh through this character,

and show an endearing side
to her, you know?

I mean,
she's going through a lot.

Maybe there's a reason
why she's so angsty,

and that has to come through
as well.

You know, acting.

Method.

We gotta move on, great.

-Action.
-Come on, girls.

Let's go brush our teeth
and trim our trees

in case Santa
comes in the night.

And cut. I have a question.

Is there some joke to be had

around "Let's go brush our teeth

and trim our trees in case
Santa comes in the night?"

Does "come"
do something for you?

-Oh, does it.
-Come does a lot for me.

Okay, great.

Yeah, I would play with that.

I wanna hear it more.

So I would just color
those lines a little bit more,

so I can hear the sort of
waxing of the crotch

and then the potential
coming, right?

I wanna hear both of those.

Let's try one more,
and have fun, loosen it up.

Come on, girls.

Let's go brush our teeth
and trim our trees

in case Santa
comes in the night.

Amazing, amazing.

I thought Santa was coming.

[laughs] Stupid.

It's great.
I think we have it.

Stupid.

We got it.
We definitely got it.

That was beautiful.

I think Paramount+

is gonna be calling
for the series.

[all laugh]

-Left, right, left, right.
-Left, right, left, right.

Oh, my God, we're both
too old for this.

Oh, my God, Jinkx.

You're a full
six years younger than me.

Oh, my God.

Take it in, bitch.

Aah!

Today we get to see
our final product

of Santa's School for Girls.

And more importantly,

we're gonna learn what
the judges think about it.

So I got my little
fingies crossed,

because I think half the girls
in the room, given the chance,

they would block me, you know?

But I'm also the only girl
who's been blocked twice,

so maybe, maybe the girls
will have pity on me.

[laughs]

-Christina!
-Christina!

Bring me the axe.

Aah!

[all laugh]

Wait. Do you understand
what pussy poppin' is now

at this point?

Right, I think it's this.
Is it this?

-Yes!
-Is it?

Yes!

Is it?

Pussy, pussy, pussy poppin'.

Okay.

You've gotta do that
for the lip sync.

Oh, so you think
I'm in the lip sync?

It was so good, Viv.

Like, really good.

So iconic, so memorable.

I mean, I had two lines,
but, hey.

Yeah, I think you had
a small part,

but you really, like, did,
like, really great work with it.

-You really did, yeah.
-Thank you, thank you.

And the best part about it was
Trinity didn't even have to act.

She just had to read the lines.

[all laugh]

I feel like Monét
killed her part.

Girl, that note,
that worked so well

once you changed that voice up.

She said, Monét, go deeper.

[laughs] She sure did.

[deep voice]
Okay, Simba.

And, oh, my gosh,
Raja was so funny.

Speak for yourself.

[laughs]

I had a blast filming
Santa's School for Girls.

I'm very excited to see it.

It's like when you've
gotta go to the bathroom

and you're trying
to reach for your house keys

and you can't get the house keys

and you end up
pissing on yourself?

I'm beyond that point.

I'm past looking for the keys.

I've already pissed on myself
or something like that.

I just would like
to remind the group

there are two people that
still have not been blocked.

I just wanna just
throw that out there.

Leave me alone, please!

Y'all are sheisty bitches.

I don't trust any of you.

[all laugh]

I'll say this now.
I have three stars.

That's probably at this point
enough to get into the top,

but we don't know for sure.

So what would be the point
of blocking somebody

if you think
they're in the top?

[laughs] Jaida, you better--

Jaida's like, I'm just--

She is campaigning, and she's
like, I have already arrived.

-I'm a politician.
-I am the winner.

I'm definitely not buying
what Jaida is selling.

No. No.

Jaida? Jaida.

[laughs]

She has three stars.

This bitch cannot come in here
and get a fourth one. No, ma'am.

There's also the complete chance

that the other bitches
who are at two

can rise to three-plus,
like, that--

Or the other girls
that have one star

could just get
the next couple of wins.

Like, y'all saw it
with me and Jaida,

that if a twist does come,

it can completely change where
you are in the competition.

-Yeah, and then maybe--
-Or bitch, down.

Maybe the person
with three stars,

there's another twist coming,
like their ankle.

Okay, Tonya.

[all laugh]

I feel like if I were
being chased

in a horror film
by a serial killer,

I would literally
be, like, no, stop it!

No! No, please, stop!

-I love that run!
-Stop chasing me!

Okay, you're asking
to be killed.

No, that is not how they do it
in the movies, bitch.

The girl is always like, oh!

Oh, oh!

Oh!

[all laugh]

The killer's always
just so calm, too.

He's always, like...

He's like, she's gonna trip
at least five times.

I'm gonna catch up.

Right, literally the killer
is, like, just walking.

-Right.
-[laughs]

Then somehow he's behind
the tree saying... I gotcha.

Not a breath gone. Nothing.
Just, like...

[all laugh]

[RuPaul laughs]

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe,
let your whole body talk ♪

♪ Cover girl ♪

And what?

How could she be
this gorgeous?

After all these years,
how could she be this gorgeous?

Maybe it's the PCP.

[all laugh]

Welcome to the main stage

of RuPaul's Drag Race
All Stars, All Winners.

Michelle Visage.

Now, what's your favorite
Christmas song?

Ooh, Ru,
it's a timeless classic:

Grandma Got Bent Over
by a Reindeer.

[all laugh]

And she liked it.

[all laugh]

And the hilarious Ross Mathews.

Do you believe in Santa?

Well, I have sat
on an old man's lap

to get presents.

Then yes.

[all laugh]

And our extra-special
guest judge, Janicza Bravo.

Now, is this the best Christmas
you've ever had?

Well, yes, because I'm Jewish.

[all laugh]

Shalom.

This week
we challenged our queens

to act their jingle bells off
in a campy holiday horror film.

And tonight on the runway,

category is
Knitty Knitty Bang Bang.

[all laugh]

Racers, start your engines,

and may the best Legend win.

Up first, The Vivienne.

The designer here,
Blanket Jackson.

[all laugh]

Vivienne: I am walking
down the runway

like I'm trudging through mud

because this is the heaviest
garment I've ever worn.

It's full wool, hand knitted,
gown to the floor.

I'm sweating my minge off,
but I feel fabulous.

Janicza: So elegant.

Ross:
May I push your spool in?

RuPaul:
Up next, Shea Couleé.

Oh, my God.

Out of this world.

Shea: I'm serving
Ndebele tribe realness.

I've got this beautiful
hand knit mini dress,

my cloak, this bald, gorgeous
head, my beautiful headpiece

with my knit rings
around my shoulders,

and my lovely legwarmers.

I am feeling like I'm
the onliest Ndebele princess.

Ross: She's running rings
around the other queens.

RuPaul: Yes, she is.

Yvie Oddly.

Michelle:
Hey, Yvie, fancy a shag?

Yvie: I'm here to defend
my entire people

against any yarn invaders.

Swinging these gigantic
knitting needles,

even though I can't knit
for shit.

I made the wig,
I made the headpiece,

I dip-dyed it all myself,

and I'm just shimmying,
shaking, and kicking it up.

Don't tell grandma
the bathroom rug is couture.

[all laugh]

Jinkx Monsoon.

Michelle: Martha Stewart,
I'm ready for my closeup.

Jinkx: This is based off of

one of my favorite
old Hollywood performers,

Marlene Dietrich.

RuPaul: Why don't you come up
and knot me sometime?

She's on husband number five,

and even though her life
is filled with misery,

she must paint on a beautiful
smile for her adoring public.

I loved her
in Knits a Wonderful Life.

Yes, she was wonderful.

-Should have won the Oscar.
-Should have.

[Michelle laughs]

RuPaul:
Up next, Trinity the Tuck.

Michelle:
All the way from Knit Jersey.

Trinity: A fan of mine
actually made this for me.

The little doll that I have in
my hands is called a Grumpkin,

and knitwear
is not my thing, bitch.

My ass is not out in this,
but don't it look cute?

Michelle:
She's a shower, not a grower.

[all laugh]

RuPaul: Up next, from around
the way, it's Monét.

Ooh, yes, honey,

she's carrying her little sister
to school with her.

How many licks does it take
to get to the center of a Monét?

Monét: Three.

Okay, good to know.

[all laugh]

Monét: I'm throwing it back
with this look.

I have this cute hair,

I have these high-waisted
booty shorts,

and I feel really fierce.

This lollipop is giving me
the full fantasy,

and I'm just a bad bitch
in kindergarten. What up?

Janicza:
Break me off a piece of that.

-Mm-hmm.
-Yes.

RuPaul:
Jaida Essence Hall.

Janicza:
Uh-oh, bless you.

RuPaul:
Come on, Afro-puffs.

Michelle: Jaida comes
equipped with cable...knit.

[all laugh]

Jaida: I am paying homage
to one of my favorite shows

when I was little:
The Big, Comfy Couch.

I wanna feel very comfortable,
very knitted,

very cutesy-cutesy-cutesy.

And I'm even coming out

with a little bit
of redness on my nose

because I'm sicky-wicky,

and I want my mommy
to take care of me.

Ross: Well, now, come on,
that's a blanket statement.

-Yes, it is.
-It is.

RuPaul: Up next, Raja.

Michelle:
I think you mean Kniterella.

RuPaul: Yes.

Ross: So you're telling me you
can only fist with one arm.

[all laugh]

Raja: This is a look that
is based on the juxtaposition

of something that is completely
futuristic and modern

and something
as ancient as weaving.

Honey, Miss She-3PO
is now a knitting grandmother,

and I think
that's the aesthetic.

RuPaul: I'll have
the gold plate special.

[all laugh]

♪ Old friends gold ♪

Welcome, ladies.

Tonight, RuPaullywood Studios

presents the world premiere

of Santa's School for Girls,

rated "S" for "sickening."

[all laugh]

[eerie music]

Noelle.

Welcome to
Santa's School for Girls.

Your transcripts
are very impressive

for a homeschooled girl.

Oh. Thank you,
Headmistress Nut--

Please, Noelle,
call me Nutmeg.

Volunteering for Doctors
Without Borders in Namibia

was the best education
I could ask for.

You already have
your Christmas tree up.

But it's only September.

At Santa's School for Girls,

we strive to bring young women
back to a more traditional time.

We want to make Christmas
great again.

Oh, okay.

I wanna make your yuletide gay,

as in festive, not homosexual.

Oh, girls.

The nice girls.

They'll make sure you don't
end up on Santa's naughty list.

I'm Merry, the leader
of the nice girls,

and all I want for Christmas
is unity and love.

Hee-hee.

I'm Holly,
the alco--shopaholic.

My daddy's credit card
and free shipping

are a few of my favorite things.

And I'm Joy.

I like nogegg.

I mean eggnog.

All: Hail, Santa.

You still believe in Santa?

[all gasp]

As in the jolly old fat guy?

-Aah!
-Oh!

Nine lords a'leaping,
this is heresy!

[devil voice]
You shall not speak

of the bearded one that way!

Yeah, what they said.

I mean, a majority of the world

doesn't even celebrate
Christmas.

-Hanukkah.
-Aah!

-Kwanzaa.
-Ahh.

-Winter solstice.
-Aah!

That's enough!

Here, we only have one holiday,
and that's Christmas.

You got that, sis?

That reminds me of a song.

Hit it!

♪ Hey, sis, it's Christmas ♪

♪ You can cross me off
of your wishlist ♪

♪ Call Santa Claus
and the missus ♪

♪ We gonna have the best
Christmas that ever existed ♪

[turns off music]
This is not a musical.

Girls, why don't you take Noelle
to Miss Toe's art class?

-Yes, Headmistress.
-Yes, Headmistress.

-Merry Christmas, Headmistress.
-Merry Christmas, Headmistress.

Come on!

[laughs]

[giggles]

Oh, by the way,
I noticed Miss Corn

was putting up
some fall decorations.

They looked like pumpkins.

Pumpkins? Pumpkins?!

But pumpkins are for Halloween,

and that's the Devil's holiday!

Just thought you'd like to know.

Prancer, send Miss Candy Corn
to my office immediately!

Now, where did I put
those Christmas cookies?

Whoops.

Wrong drawer.

It was beginning to look
a lot like Christmas--

[whispers]
I mean murder.

Beautiful, girls.

Oh! As the great
Bob "Diana" Ross once said,

we don't make mistakes,
just happy little accidents.

[laughs]

Welcome, Noelle.

Thank you, Miss Toe.

Please, call me
by my first name.

All my friends do. Camel.

Wait. Your name is Camel Toe?

[laughs] That's right,

and I have weed gummies
in my car if you want some.

[laughs]

Cool teacher here.
Cool teacher.

Miss Scrooge, you're late.

Sorry. I was giving
my boyfriend a frosty.

[all gasp]

Oh, come, all ye faithful.

Oh, eew!

So cute.

-Hey, new girl.
-Yeah?

I'm Scrooge.

Short for Lisa.

I'm Hannah,

and even though she's a goth

and I'm a nerd, we're BFFs.

Hannah, do you hear what I hear?

Miss Corn went missing.

She's the fifth teacher
to disappear this week.

Did you say Miss Corn?

I overheard the headmistress
call her into her office.

Noelle, why are you over there
talking to those losers?

I heard they're here
on scholarship.

I've never even gotten
a scholarship.

In fact, my parents paid extra
for me to be here.

You know, Merry, bullying people
isn't very Christmas-like.

What would Santa do?

He'd put coal in your stocking.

-[laughs]
-Then shove it up your ass.

-[gasps]
-Ladies, ladies.

[deep voice]
Knock it off!

My classroom will always be
a safe space.

Let's share our paintings
with the class.

Merry, Holly, Joy?

All: Hail, Santa.

Impressive,
but I'd have really loved

to see you all express

your individual
personalities, ladies.

Hannah, let's see yours.

It's a Santa self-portrait
if he were Frida Kahlo.

Muy caliente bien, Hannah.
Scrooge.

Mine shows
the real Santa. [laughs]

[thunder]

Do you see what I see?

I don't think Santa would
appreciate that very much.

Actually,
I was reading in a book

that Christmas was constructed

to replace a pagan holiday

that the church
found threatening.

Is that true?

That's not what
headmistress said.

It's just art, ladies.

Art is all about expression.

[laughs]

[thinking] Should I just
go back to selling crystals

at the swap meet?

Not today, Santa. Not today.

I wonder if Santa will bring me
that platinum tennis bracelet.

I wonder if Santa's hung...
by the chimney.

Am I the only one who knows
that Santa's not real?

Is everyone at this school
psycho?

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Doobie-doobie-doo ♪

Who let the dogs out?

[bell rings]

Okay, okay, class dismissed.

Let me know
if anyone needs a lift

to Planned Parenthood
or anything.

Cool teacher, cool teacher.

♪ Hey, sis, it's Christmas ♪

♪ You can cross me off
of your wishlist ♪

♪ Call Santa Claus
and the missus ♪

This is not a musical!

♪ We gonna have the best
Christmas that ever existed ♪

That's weird. I smell... Christmas
cookies?

[gasps] Oh!

Oh! Oh!

You missed me! [laughs]

Aah!

I'm still alive, bitch.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

That's the one.

How come when there's
a senseless string of murders,

people always suspect me?

Hey, Noelle,
want a swig of my eggnog?

-Pass.
-Check out all the stuff

I got at the mall.

I'm in a lot of debt.

Ugh. Look,
it's the devil worshippers.

Just because
we don't believe in Santa

does not mean
we worship the Devil.

[laughs]
Speak for yourself.

Hey, who's that above your bed?

That's Elvira.

Obsessed.

I'm gonna be her for Halloween.

-[gasps]
-You celebrate Halloween?

Yeah. Check this out.

-What?
-[gasps]

Wait. Is that a bloody axe?

[all gasp]

Interesting,
considering there have

been so many murders
around here lately.

Oh, look, a red herring.

Come on, girls.

Let's go brush our teeth
and trim our trees

in case Santa
comes in the night.

Scrooge, where did you
get all that stuff?

I could go shopping
for Halloween, too.

Maybe I could get
some cat ears or something.

-Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho.
-[screams]

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Holly's dead!

Oh, no!

Oh, my God!

Cool.

We have to do something
before Santa slays again.

But Santa's not real!

[laughs]

Santa's not real?

I'll show you Santa's not real!

-Aah!
-We have to call the police!

What's the number for 911?

Oh! Here!

Send someone
to the girls' school!

Santa's straight-up
murdering people!

I'm sure if Santa's
killing people,

he has a good reason.

Ooh!

Ugh! Ooh! Aah!

-Ugh!
-Aah!

Wait a second,
I smell gingerbread.

The main ingredient
in gingerbread is nutmeg,

which is the nickname of...

[gasps] What?

All: Headmistress Nutmegan?

Well, ya got me, girl.

-What?
-But why?

I did it to preserve
the meaning of Christmas.

None of this "happy holidays"
nondenominational bull-tinsel!

Where you're headed, Santa won't
be coming down your chimney.

Because prisons
don't have chimneys.

Duh.

And I would have
gotten away with it, too,

if it weren't
for you meddling kids!

Hail, Santa! Hail, Santa!

Uh, who wants Halloween candy?

Oh, I do, I do!

Yes, please!

I have a confession to make.

This is fun.

It feels like
the beginning of something,

which reminds me of a song!

-Oh, no.
-Hit it!

Bitch, do not do it.

♪ This is the beginning,
the beginning ♪

♪ This is the beginning
of the rest of your life ♪

All: This is not a musical!

Did I deserve
to get murdered? No.

Am I glad to have
the holiday off?

Hell, yeah. [laughs]

Happy holidays, everyone.

Raahhh!

Oh, yay.
[applause]

That was so good!

Wow.

Wow, a cinematic triumph.

[all laugh]

It's time now for
the judges' critiques,

starting with The Vivienne.

I can't even tell you
how much I enjoyed your role.

It was Faye Dunaway
as Joan Crawford

with Kim Woodburn and a touch
of the orange menace.

And the way
you dialed the phone,

which was basically
just slapping it

and beating it up, I loved.

I also love how you refuse

to direct your attention
to your costars.

You perform every line
to the back.

So funny.

I can't imagine anyone else
doing that role.

I also thought your exit
was divine.

I mean, I really felt
your fight,

and it delighted me
so, so very much.

And this look tonight, okay,
do you know how wrong it is

that a heavy knit
makes a beautiful ball gown?

It shouldn't work, but it does.

This is just so magical,
I wanna crawl up inside it,

and if there's room,
I'm available.

You did a killer job.
[laughs]

Thank you.

Up next, it's Shea Couleé.

-Hi!
-Oh, my gosh,

this outfit will go down
in Drag Race history

as something so special
and so innovative.

On so many levels,
it's amazing.

The way you did your eyes,

the halo effect,
the balding of the head.

I'm gobsmacked.
I just--

There aren't enough words
for how phenomenal this is.

Your part in the movie would
freak me out as a performer,

because you can't do
the zany stuff,

you have to be the voice
of reason in this crazy world.

This is not a musical.

It wouldn't work
if you didn't nail it,

and you nailed it.

You are an actor,
you are an actress.

You did just amazing.

I hope you're proud when
you watch the work that you did.

-I am. Thank you.
-Good. You should be.

-Thank you, Shea.
-Thank you.

Up next, it's Yvie Oddly.

-Look at those knockers.
-[laughs]

The way that
you play mischievousness

is just so delightful.

There's a thing that happens
in the eye, in the mouth,

and it was just so delicious.

And this is just amazing.

Your face looks
so beautiful tonight.

This is one of those looks

that I've been working on
for, like, four or five months.

Well, baby, it shows,
down to the boots.

I mean, the headpiece.

Yvie, this is what
I love about you.

It is next level Yvie Oddly.

Not a lot of people
could pull this off.

But when you
come out here in it,

it's, like, of course
that's what she's gonna do.

You are in an orbit
all your own.

Thank you for having us.

[laughs]

-Well, thank you so much.
-Thank you.

Straight from old Hollywood,
Jinkx Monsoon.

My goodness, ladykins.

You have this ability
in the first word or two,

with every single character,
to let us know who you are.

I'm Holly.

As soon as you opened
your mouth with that vocal fry,

I understood
exactly who you were.

And when you turned
from vocal fry to devil...

[devil voice]
You shall not speak

of the bearded one that way!

Was that a character choice
that you made?

You're fucked up,
you know that?

[all laugh]

-Thank you.
-This wasn't really a big role.

You added so much color and
flavor and texture to this role.

Tonight on the runway,
you told such a beautiful story.

From the moment you entered,
there was this kind of drama

and a total piece of theater.

I was absolutely enthralled.

You have no idea how much this
dress is sparkling on stage.

It is so gorgeous.

-Thank you, Jinkx.
-Thank you.

Up next, Trinity the Tuck.

-Hey.
-Hey.

You were so fun to watch
in the acting challenge.

I like nogegg.

I mean eggnog.

You were game to get down
and get dumb.

It was just such a treat.

The dumb character always works
if the actress commits,

and you were just so committed,
and it was so funny.

This outfit is, like,
so twisted, Trinity.

Leopard-color hair?
Yes, please.

Then you paired it
with lavender,

which is such
a gorgeous combination.

It doesn't make sense,
yet it does.

I love it, too.

-It's really fabulous.
-Thank you.

Up next, Monét X Change.

All right, let's talk
about your cool teacher.

I loved this character.

Call me by my first name.
All my friends do.

[chuckles] Camel.

Every funny line
was just nailed.

You didn't miss a single
opportunity for a laugh.

I love that
you treated some of them

like they were these
Shakespearean asides,

and I just thought
you did so fantastic,

and you should feel
really, really good

about the performance
that you gave.

This is so Monét.

You came out
in a knitted, puffy parka

with a bow in your hair,
tight curls,

little poom-poom booty shorts.

This is adorable,

and something you would see
in Brooklyn,

even in the summer.

[all laugh]

I feel this look
is going to be copied

at the highest end,
at the lowest end.

I mean, it is just really wow.

-Well done.
-Thank you, Ru.

Up next, Jaida Essence Hall.

Ah-choo!

[all laugh]

Did Jaida do that?

The mannerisms when you spoke
and you shoved your glasses up,

those little things that are the
quintessential nerd character

completely worked.

You're a really good listener,

because so much
of that character

is taking in and then
responding to the elements,

and it was just so fantastic.

You took it and you ran with it,

and you and Scrooge had
this little relationship going.

You played off of each other,
that worked really well.

It was just all
really well done.

I loved it.

Tonight on the runway, I mean,
your face is just stunning.

I'd like to lick it.
May I?

[all laugh]

You just look so divine.

The palette is just dreamy.

I'm thinking of lavender fields.

It's just so magical.

Any time you put some
Afro-puffs on either side,

it takes me there.

There was a TV show years ago
called The Big, Comfy Couch.

Aah!

That's what I was going for!

Yes, well,
you went fully for it.

I love it, because
you've updated it,

and you made it drag.

-Really, really well done.
-Thank you.

Oh, my goodness.

Raja, this outfit is to die for.

This is what
a superstar wears on stage.

So beautiful and so original.

You are beaming.

You are on fire.

I mean, it's transcendent.

Thank you.

Let's talk about Scrooge.

It was hilar-i-ous.

I was giving my boyfriend
a frosty.

[all gasp]
Oh, come, all ye faithful.

You knew your camera.

I felt you playing
to the audience.

You were playing to the guys
all the way in the back row,

and that was divine.

I loved all those moments
of you going eh, eh, eh, eh.

That is just so kind of
John Waters of you.

-Yeah.
-You took it there

to a drag level that
I personally get off on.

[laughs]

Thank you, ladies.
I think we've heard enough.

While you enjoy a House of Love
cocktail in the werkroom,

the judges and I
will deliberate.

You may leave the stage.

All right, now, just between
us squirrel friends,

whaddaya think?
Pros and cons.

We need to find a top two,
which is not gonna be easy.

You know, Trinity is so funny.

Every time I wanted to laugh
while watching this film,

I could just look to Trinity
to see what she was doing.

I will say she did the least

of all the sisters
with her character,

but it was still funny.

I get what you mean by saying
she may have done the least,

but I felt her least
was also kind of the most.

I mean, the way
she uses her face,

the way she uses her eyes,
I mean, she is, like, so in it.

And on the runway, can someone
just take me to Aspen

so I can just, like, wrap up
in that by the fire, please?

Do you want marshmallows
in your cocoa?

Duh. Hell, am I a human being?

[all laugh]
It was so chic,

but also comfortable.

Like, I wanted to hug her

and then do a high fashion
photo shoot with her.

-Ooh.
-Oh, my goodness.

I could not take
my eyes off of Viv.

That was
a freaking master class.

She had me from her first line,

and I didn't want
to be let go of.

And when she was gone,
I kind of missed her.

She was every movie star

I've ever wanted to meet
in my entire life.

She was Joan Crawford,
Gloria Swanson, Faye Dunaway

all mixed into one
campy lead character.

And on the runway,
how do you make

the hugest carpet/rug/
whatever it is,

how do you make it look
like a couture gown?

I have a weighted blanket
at home,

and I might try to do the same.

Good luck.
[all laugh]

I love that Jaida
is taking this time

to show us that she is more
than we even thought she was.

She leaned totally

into being that nerdy girl
who didn't believe,

and I thought it was just
a great juxtaposition.

She went full-throttle, and I
thought she did an adorable job.

-Jaida has range.
-Yeah.

And on the runway,
wow, I was for it.

Her face is ridiculous.

I mean, really,
I was sort of, like,

drifting to lavender fields
as I was looking at her.

And Raja, "Scrooge
is short for Lisa."

[all laugh]

Need I say more?

From the moment she landed at
that easel, she had us, right?

She's one of my favorites.

There wasn't a false note
in her performance.

What a curious choice
for a goth, right?

Like, there is a trope

that we might imagine that part
should be played like,

and she had this nuance
about her

that was just really special.

I couldn't stop watching her,

and that look tonight
on the runway, my goodness.

Come on.

That outfit belongs on stage
at Madison Square Garden.

That part.

Just gorgeous.
All right, silence.

I've made my decision.

Bring back my Legends.

Welcome back, ladies.

Based on your Santa's School
for Girls performances--

oh, based on your San--
Welcome back, ladies.

[all laugh]

Let me change the battery.
Hold on.

[all laugh]

Put her in rice.

Exactly.

All right, does anybody else
smell burnt toast?

[all laugh]

Welcome back, ladies.

Now, based on your Santa's
School for Girls performances

and your knitted runway
presentations,

I've made some decisions.

The top two All Stars
of the week are...

The Vivienne

and Raja.

Oh, my God!

Yes, Raj!
[applause]

-Cool!
-Get it, Raj!

Oh, my God!

Con-drag-ulations.

You've each earned
a legendary Legend Star.

And you're both one step closer
to the grand finale

Lip Sync Lalaparuza
Smackdown for the crown.

Ladies, the rest of you
may take a seat.

Fuck it up.

Whew.

Two Legends stand before me.

Viv, Raja,

this is your chance
to impress me,

win $10.000,

and earn the power

to block
one of your fellow queens

from receiving a legendary
Legend Star next week.

The time has come...
[thunder]

for you to lip sync...

[echoing] for your legacy!

Good luck,
and don't fuck it up.

[music plays]

♪ She's a very kinky girl ♪

♪ The kind you don't
take home to mother ♪

♪ She will never
let your spirits down ♪

♪ Once you get her
off the street ♪

Oh, girl.

♪ She's all right,
she's all right ♪

♪ That girl's
all right with me ♪

-Raja is turning it.
-Yes.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

[all laugh]

♪ She's a super freak,
super freak ♪

♪ That girl is pretty kinky ♪

♪ The girl's a super freak ♪

♪ The kind of girl
you read about ♪

♪ In New Wave magazines ♪

♪ That girl
is pretty wild now ♪

♪ The girl's a super freak ♪

♪ I really like to taste her ♪

♪ Every time we meet ♪

♪ She's all right,
she's all right ♪

♪ That girl's
all right with me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

-Oh!
-Oh!

♪ She's a super freak,
super freak ♪

-Nice save!
-♪ She's super freaky, yeow ♪

Blow, Danny!

[saxophone solo]

[cheers and applause]

Blow, daddy!

Raja!

Ladies, I've made my decision.

Raja, con-drag-ulations.
You're a winner.

No way!

[laughter and applause]

You've won a cash tip
of $10.000.

-Yes!
-Oh, my God.

Congrats!

The Vivienne, you are free
to slay another day.

You may step
to the back of the stage.

Thank you.
Thank you, everyone.

[applause]

Queens, please join Raja
on the main stage.

Raja, with great power
comes great responsibility.

Using the Platinum Plunger...

[all laugh]

Show us which queen
you've chosen to block.

I'm just gonna let
the Plunger guide my way.

Oh! [laughs]

I finally get the power
to block someone,

and I love it.

Hmm.

I love you.

How much do you love me, baby?

A lot.

-Monét.
-[speaking gibberish]

[both speaking gibberish]

I earned it, I deserve it.

Somebody's
gonna get blocked tonight,

and it's gonna be
because I did it,

and I am ecstatic.

Am I--am I dead now?

[all laugh]

Do you love me, baby?

Only you.

[chuckles] Hi.

Oh, damn.
[all laugh]

Damn it!

Jaida Essence Hall, next week
you can compete and even win,

but Raja has blocked you from
earning a legendary Legend Star.

The sword cuts both ways.

Ooh!

Con-drag-ulations, All Stars.

And remember,
if you can't love yourself,

how in the hell
you gonna love somebody else?

Can I get an "amen" up in hurr?

-Amen!
-Amen!

All right.
Now let the music play.

[music plays]

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Cover girl ♪

RuPaul:
Next time on All Stars...

[all laugh]

I thought we were best friends!

Sit your ass down,
sit your ass down.

For this week's maxi-challenge,

you need to create your own
social media dance challenge

that's so enter-tainting
it could go viral.

The fuck are you doing?

Remember the cinnamon challenge?

I hope you have
a glass of milk.

It's gonna be a lot to swallow.

If you're in the top this week,
who do you block?

Well, I would be the next
to be blocked, wouldn't I be?

Because I've never been.

I wanna know what's going on
when you get that plunger,

because those bitches
know something.

Everything you did
was funnier than the next.

Tonight for you, tour de farce.

[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe,
let your whole body talk ♪

♪ Cover girl ♪