Original subtitles

While my sister and I are twins, we've always

been different. By the age of two,

I was reading books.

Missy was content to eat them.

By five, I had a healthy appreciation

for a well-organized work space.

My sister, less so.

Which is not to say

she doesn't have qualities I admire.

Get it! Get it!

It's just a spider. Calm down.

It's got eight legs and fangs.

I see no reason to be calm.

Did you kill it?

- Yup. - Are you sure?

You tell me.

The bond between twins is an incredibly close one,

which is why I moved 1,500 miles to California

the first chance I got.

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Hey.

- Hello. - You got a minute?

John has something he wants to talk to you about.

I brought you kolaches.

Ooh, yummy.

Mmm. Mmm.

So, what's up?

You comin' to me to ask for Connie's hand in marriage?

No.

But if that were to come to pass,

are you authorized to bless the union?

He was joking.

Oh.

- Tell him. - Okay.

So, some colleagues of mine

at the university are doing a research study on twins.

I told them about Sheldon and his sister,

and they were most intrigued.

Uh, what kind of study?

It's a longitudinal investigation

of environmental and genetic factors

in the development of cognitive and other capacities

in pairs of fraternal and identical twins.

You asked.

Well, geez, I don't... I don't know

if I want some scientists pokin' and proddin' the kids.

Oh, but they wouldn't be poked and prodded.

They just have to, you know, answer some questions.

And maybe some puzzles and tests.

That's not too bad. Where is it?

Houston. Oh, it just got bad.

That's... that's a long drive.

It does pay $50 an hour plus gas and expenses.

Really?

I told you to start with that.

Oh.

No. See, Mary, that's the best part...

There's no pokin' and proddin'. Plus,

you know how much Sheldon loves puzzles and tests.

I'm not sure.

Think about the money.

50 bucks an hour, four or five hours a week.

That-That's more than our mortgage.

I know, I know.

But Sheldon's already self-conscious

about being different from other kids.

I worry how this might affect him.

You're being too protective. He's a rock.

A rock?

Are we raising the same child?

And what about Missy?

Aren't these tests gonna make her feel bad

that she's not as smart as Sheldon?

I'm not as smart as Sheldon.

Doesn't make me feel bad.

And we could put the money aside for their college education.

That's a good point.

It's a great point.

I don't have to tell you, times are changing.

Kids are pitching in.

Like that Webster kid on TV...

He's making buckets of money for his parents.

Well...

I suppose we could give it a try.

There you go. I'll call Sturgis,

tell him we're in.

Baby, I'm getting a fishing boat.

So, Sheldon, Missy, we got some exciting news.

- Georgie took a bath? - No.

And how come I don't get exciting news?

This isn't about you.

But after dinner, why don't you go rinse off?

So, what's up?

Well, a couple of scientists at the college

where Dr. Sturgis teaches are doing

a research study on twins.

They want to meet you guys, ask you some questions.

Oh, boy, a research study.

Will they give us written tests?

- Yeah, I think so. - Oh, boy.

Now, you don't have to do this if you don't want to.

It's purely volunteer.

I don't want to do it.

- Why not? - They probably just want to find out

why you're so smart and I'm just average.

Average? That's a little generous.

Why don't they want to test me?

- Georgie, not now. - 'Cause I'm available.

Listen, why don't we just go there this Saturday

and give it a try?

And if you don't like it, we don't have to do it again.

Or they'll love it, and they'll do it till

they're 18, 19 years old.

I already love it.

My man. Missy?

I believe there might be

a Dairy Queen on the way there.

Can I get an Oreo Blizzard?

You know what I think?

I think you're smarter than him.

Dr. Thorpe and Dr. Pilson,

here are your research volunteers,

Sheldon and Missy.

So nice to meet you.

Thank you for participating in our study.

Always happy to help advance our understanding of me.

I'm just in it for the Dairy Queen.

All right.

Um, if you two wouldn't mind waiting here,

we'd like to start by talking to your mom, dad, and grandma.

Why?

Jut to get some background information

on the both of you.

Smart. Ask how old I was when I completed potty training.

You won't believe it.

I'll do that.

Will you keep an eye on 'em?

Well, I'll try, but if they start running,

you may never see them again.

Shall we?

We are on the clock, right?

- George. - Hmm?

Boy, this brings back some memories.

- How come? - Well, when I was your age,

I was also taken to a university

to be studied.

Because they thought you were really smart?

Because they thought I was clinically insane.

And it wasn't just me.

Did you know that when Albert Einstein

was a little boy, his parents worried

there was something wrong with him?

Because he couldn't comb his hair?

No, that was a choice he made later in life.

When he was young,

he wanted nothing to do with other children,

and would often have extreme temper tantrums.

He sounds like you.

I know. Isn't it great?

Well, to be perfectly honest,

Sheldon has always avoided

children his own age.

Tell 'em about temper tantrums.

They're not temper tantrums,

he just has strong opinions.

Yeah,

like when you yell and stomp your feet,

and slam the door off its hinge.

They're scientists. You can't trick 'em.

And, as for Missy, she's just the opposite.

Loves to be around people and other kids.

Makes friends easy.

Does she have temper tantrums as well?

Nope. She's very even-keeled.

Except for when she's eating.

You put your hand near her face

when she's working on a lamb chop,

she will bite off a finger.

Our daughter doesn't bite.

Right here, Thanksgiving, 1986.

Was there anything unusual about your pregnancy?

- No, not that I remember. - Really?

You cried for, like, seven months.

Those were tears of joy.

What about all those times you punched me?

Punches of joy.

You're not gonna get much out of Fred and Wilma here.

Why don't you just get crackin' on the kids?

Okay, Sheldon, this first battery of tests measures

basic problem-solving abilities.

Is the Kaufman test or the Wechsler Intelligence Scale?

Are you familiar with those?

It's embarrassing, but I enjoy a little light reading

in the bathroom.

Okay. Are you ready?

- Will I be timed? - Yes.

Fantastic.

Okay, Missy,

the first thing we're gonna do is test

your problem-solving ability.

- Okay. - You ready?

I just have one question.

What's that?

Do you always wear your hair up?

Uh, well, usually at work, yes.

I bet it looks cute down.

Thank you. Okay,

you're all set.

Is that camera gonna be on?

Yes.

Can you move it over to that side?

Why?

If I've learned one thing from school picture day,

it's that I look better from that side.

Sure, I'll move it.

Okay...

And bring it a little closer.

How's that?

- Great. - Okay.

- Whenever you're ready. - Wait.

Do I have any Oreos in my teeth?

No.

- Ready to start? - One last thing.

Did you ever think of wearing that white coat with a belt?

- No. - You should.

'Cause you have a very nice figure,

and it's lost in there.

Hey, check this out.

Did you see Honey, I Shrunk the Kids?

- No. - You should.

'Cause there's a lot of good science stuff in it.

Kudos on the question

"Which train gets to St. Louis first?"

Hmm.

I have to tell you something.

Why don't you finish the test first.

This can't wait.

The other doctor's got a crush on you.

Oh, dear Lord.

Oh, um...

I don't... I don't think so.

Let's get back to the test.

Okay.

Why? What did you see?

When you're not looking, he stares at your tushy.

Really?

Imagine if you wore the belt.

Clever girl.

That would accentuate her buttocks.

I can't watch. Switch it back to Sheldon.

Hot dog, syllogisms.

If all squares are parallelograms,

and all squares are rectangles,

then some parallelograms are rectangles.

Who was this test made for, children?

I'm bored. Turn it back to Missy.

Go ahead.

This question about a train going to "S-T" Louis

makes no sense.

It's okay to guess.

Take your time, baby. The meter's running.

Well, thank you all very much.

This was a great start.

Thank you. Did you have fun?

I got to take a test on a Saturday, heck yeah!

He's like a young version of me, but without corrective shoes.

Missy, what'd you think?

The tests were just okay,

but I like Sandra.

Well, thank you, Missy. I like you, too.

All right,

we'll see y'all next Saturday.

You bet we will.

Good God, George, have a little dignity.

Hm.

Are you doing something different with your hair?

No, uh, why?

No reason, just looks nice.

Oh! Thank you.

Um, uh, what do you think about maybe stopping

for a drink after, to discuss the test results?

I would like that.

Oh, yeah.

Get down.

- We're home. - Hey.

- What you watching? - Soul Train.

I like trains.

It's not that kind of train, dummy.

Well that seems like false advertising.

Ooh, you sexy little thing.

George!

Oh.

I do not like what this study is doing to Sheldon.

What're you talking about? He had a great time.

All the way home all he could talk about

is how that doctor thought he was so smart. It's not healthy.

Would it make you feel any better

if I told you how much money we made today?

No, it would not.

$300.

- Really? - Cash.

Okay, well, still, I...

I'm not interested in profiting off my children.

You see, honey, that's where you and I are very different.

Boats.

Sheldon, what do you think

is happening in this picture?

Easy. There are four chimpanzees in a living room.

Okay, but what can you tell me about them?

They're not behaving like chimpanzees.

Anything else?

Chimpanzees don't drink tea.

Is that it?

Well, I suppose it might be coffee,

but they don't drink that either.

Anything interesting about their body language?

No.

I think they found his kryptonite.

Missy,

what do you think is happening in this picture?

The girl monkey on the couch

is telling the guy monkey a secret.

Must be something juicy, 'cause he's smiling.

Anything else?

It might be dirty,

'cause this girl monkey is sending

the kid monkey out of the room.

He doesn't want to go. He looks sad.

Is that all?

The monkeys on the couch are drinking tea,

so it's a tea party.

Okay, very good. Let's look at another picture.

I'm not done. The monkey in the painting

is wearing an old lady hat,

so she's probably a meemaw monkey.

She's not at the party,

so she must be bowling or dead.

Well, Missy won that round.

It's actually not a contest, George.

This is Texas. Everything's a contest.

A woman in a doorway.

Anything else?

She's holding her head with her hand.

And what do you think that means?

Um...

Wouldn't you rather ask me about trains going to St. Louis?

Good gravy, she's sad, Sheldon, come on.

Oh, she's very upset.

I don't know why.

Oh! Maybe she wasn't invited

to the tea party at the monkey house.

Also, she's wearing a belt, like you are.

Nice going. Very cute.

And I'm loving the hair.

Yeah.

A lion sitting in a chair, holding a pipe.

Good.

But what do you think is on his mind?

How should I know? Maybe he's wondering

why he's posing for a silly picture

instead of eating a gazelle.

Anything else?

What exactly are we doing here?

I thought the purpose of this study

was to find out how smart I am.

That's what we're doing,

but there are different kinds of intelligence.

Poppycock!

There's only one kind of intelligence...

George, Sheldon's getting upset.

I don't like it.

All right, I'll just change it back to Missy.

You are an insightful young lady.

I don't know what that means, but thank you.

It means perceptive.

You see things most people miss.

My name is Missy... go figure.

Have you always been that way?

I guess so. I think when you're on your own a lot,

you get good at seeing that kind of stuff.

- Really? - My dad

does football with my older brother,

so they're like a team.

And my mom and meemaw spend all their time fussing over Sheldon,

so they're like a team, too.

So no one's on your team?

Nope.

It's just me.

Oh, Lord.

Hey, what's up with you and Dr. Pillsbury?

Dr. Pilson?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh.

You can't say 'cause we're on camera.

Insightful.

A little late for me to start cooking.

- Why don't we stop somewhere for dinner. - Really?

The five of us? That's kind of pricey.

Would you rather buy a fishing boat?

You're a blabbermouth, you know that?

Missy, we're gonna eat in a restaurant.

Where would you like to go?

I get to pick?

Why don't I get to pick?

Because your sister's getting to pick.

It's not just about you in this house.

What do you think, baby?

I pick...

Red Lobster.

You got it.

Damn.

There goes our per diem.

George, you got a minute?

- What's up? - Not you, him.

What?

Sheldon told me that we get paid to go to that college

and answer their questions.

Yeah, so?

I want to know how much we're making.

Why?

'Cause I want my fair share.

Is that so?

What do you think your fair share is?

Half.

Hm, guess that sounds right.

So how much are we making?

$7.50 a week.

- Really? - Really.

Well, I want half that.

Which is?

Hang on.

Sheldon!

Can we put on Soul Train?

Why?

There's a girl on there I kind of want to marry.

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