Original subtitles

Billy, tell them what they missed.

Billy.

Fiona Gallagher, will you marry me?

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

I wanna do it right this time. (EXHALES)

Immigration’s gonna put her back on the next boat to Moscow.

I'll figure it out.

- We took care of it. - Courthouse, this afternoon,

in and out and hitched.

What?

- You two having sex? - Dad!

No.

(SIREN WAILING)

Hey, stop!

- Who the hell are you? - The law, motherfucker.

I think I wanna be a cop.

I aced the test.

And then I get the paperwork to get certified.

"Have you ever spent any time in a mental institution?"

Your mental health is none of their business.

CALEB: Lie.

LIP: I'm sorry I didn't have time to finish your work,

I was busy getting fired,

kicked out of my room,

and forced to write a 10 page essay on the dangers of drinking.

You're smart, Lip, but grow the fuck up.

Oh, like you? A drunk has-been, thriving off of other people's work?

No wonder your kid wants nothing to do with you.

Contractions are only three minutes apart!

- Deb- -(GROANING)

- Are you okay? - My water broke!

- Push, push, push! Keep pushing! -(SCREAMING)

Hi, Frances.

- Frances? - After her grandfather.

Frank?

You were right, I need to do this on my own.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(BABY CRYING)

(GASPS)

(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

(SIGHS)

(BABY CRYING IN DISTANCE)

Kid's got a set of lungs.

How about a cup?

I'm good.

Not everyone wants your microbes in his food.

Are those my drawers?

How long do you think she can go for?

She stopped for, like, a half hour last night.

I'm glad I moved back home. Wouldn't wanna miss this.

Sounds like a hunger cry.

Debs might not be producing enough milk.

She might need to supplement with formula.

Someone should tell her.

Not you?

It's none of my business. She's made that abundantly clear.

She's not sleeping, eating, showering.

I wish she'd let one of you just hold the baby.

Maybe she's got that postpartum thing.

You know, when girls go feral in corners

and gouge anyone's eyes out who gets too close.

What are those things called, that guys wear at weddings?

The flower things?

Uh... Yeah, boutonnieres.

- Lip and Ian get them, right? - Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

I gotta meet with the florist. Figure out what I'm ordering.

If they're walking you down the aisle, they get them.

And ushers, groomsmen--

(EXCLAIMING)

My daughter will be accompanied by her father

as she ambles to the altar.

Her who?

Oh! You mean that deadbeat that consistently fails

to take care of his family?

I may not have been present for your first steps,

or your first lost tooth, or your first blowjob, but as patriarch,

I'm entitled to my traditional place of honor

next to you for your big day.

And it's my traditional right to ask said patriarch to pay for it.

Done.

- What? - Done. I'll pay.

In money.

Cash. Dinero.

Greenbacks.

Well, you know, if you're catching up on dad shit,

you can cover my tuition.

Teach me how to ride a bike?

I never had a sweet sixteen. Could throw me one after the wedding.

FIONA: Has anyone seen Carl?

Uh... Yeah, he left a half hour ago.

At 6:00 in the morning? Did he say why?

To find somewhere to sleep without a screaming infant, maybe?

All right, kid, let's go. Here we go.

No way. He's got Head Start.

That's where I'm taking him.

A white rose for my boutonniere.

Hey, which florist, what time?

The Armenian on Clark. At 1:00.

See ya there.

It'd be funny if he actually showed up.

What would he do? Pretend to reach for his wallet?

- Frank owns a wallet? - I can hear you.

Those are my boots. Hey.

FIONA: Get used to it.

Hey, Debs.

Where you off to?

School. Missed a bunch. Gotta catch up.

With Franny?

Yeah.

Great. Have fun.

Yeah, I can take you. It's too cold to walk with a baby.

No, thanks.

I'm driving right by the school. Come on. Don't make it a whole thing.

See you at work.

I gotta do some reading for class.

She needs help. And sleep.

Yeah, so do we.

(BANGING AT THE DOOR)

- Oh, shit! It's them. - Fuck! Immigration.

- Fuck! - Don't forget your lines!

- Okay. Okay, okay. -(BANGING AT THE DOOR)

(GRUNTS) Damn it.

-(THUMPING) -(GASPS)

(CONTINUOUS THUMPING AT THE DOOR)

Coming.

Morning. Lester from USCIS.

Immigration? We met at your bar a few weeks ago?

Just a routine mandatory check to see

if the living situation is as reported.

Please, come in.

So I've been crashing on their couch, as you can see.

I was supposed to move out, but I've been pretty strapped for cash.

This is the home you and your ex shared with your two children?

Yes. Yes, it is. Until she fell for that no good commie slut.

Okay. You discover your employee is being deported.

Moments later, your live-in partner of many years

dumps you, then runs off to City Hall to marry this employee

-because they're quote-unquote in love. -(SCOFFS)

- Can you fucking believe that shit? - No.

Mind if I head upstairs?

I don't know if they're receiving any guests right now.

You know, they do a lot of gay sex up there.

-(LAUGHING) -(KNOCKING)

(BOTH GASPING)

Agent Lester Hibbert here from USCIS routine unannounced check,

let me know when you're decent.

All good.

Thank you Mrs. and Mrs. Fisher.

Do I have your permission to look around at your personal belongings?

Oh! Go on. We have nothing to hide.

Junior police training program.

Tuesdays and Wednesdays, 4:30 to 7:30.

Start raising my GPA, hit the gym.

And what do you want from me?

Well, they don't allow convicted juveniles in the program.

Thought maybe you could pull some strings.

- You wanna be a police cadet? - Make the world a better place.

- Stomp out evil, preserve humanity... - Yeah.

Boom, you're a hero.

When's the last time you bought a bag of groceries?

Or did your own laundry?

You know what comes before civic duty?

Personal responsibility.

Own your shit at home first.

Pass the syrup.

Come on.

Get everything you can.

There you go.

Like, shirts, pants. Stuff like that.

Raggedy looking stuff.

Yeah. What else you got?

These are great.

He'!-

-(GROANING) The fuck. -(DRILLING NEXT DOOR)

CALEB: Oh, yeah. They're gutting the building next door.

He'!-

It's gonna get even noisier around here.

Maybe we should, you know, crash at your place a couple nights,

just till shit calms down?

No, it's even worse over there. Trust me.

Worse in what way?

You can't tell me?

It's just chaotic.

I can do chaotic.

So, nervous for your big day?

(EXHALES LONG)

No. No, excited mostly.

Figured I'd be a janitor the rest of my life.

(CHUCKLES)

You're still gonna be cleaning up vomit and dumping garbage.

Just in a fancier uniform.

- Better pay, too. -(CALEB EXCLAIMS)

Check it out.

Turkey sandwich, chips, an apple, and a treat.

(DRILLING CONTINUES)

Now go save lives.

It's okay.

(BABY CRYING)

You can't bring a crying baby to class.

Oh!

Can I at least pick up my assignments?

You need to talk to the counselor

and figure out how to continue your studies at home.

Well, I wanna finish school. So let me learn.

Okay, here's a lesson. Use condoms.

(BABY BABBLES)

-(DOOR CLOSES) -(BABY CRYING)

His parents were mauled by vicious rebels. He has AIDS.

Please, give money.

Yeah, save that 20 for a bag of Peruvian mangoes.

Tropical fruit is more important than a dying orphan.

Keep shivering. That's really great.

His immune system is breaking down.

We need money for doctors. Oh, you have no money?

And you're going into a grocery store. Interesting.

-(DOOR OPENS) -(EXCLAIMS)

Hey. We're a study lounge all of a sudden?

I'm doing my TA work off campus.

KEV: You're missing all that eye candy, man.

Hot coeds wearing little mittens and scarves,

ready to be unwrapped like little Hershey's Kisses.

Man, I'm telling you, I miss my rape-walking days.

It gets old pretty quick.

What, did something go down at Screw You?

Oh! Burn a bridge, run for the hills. The Gallagher Way.

I'm not fucking running, okay? I'm just doing what I gotta do.

What kind of boss lets you lay low like that?

Didn't exactly let me.

If you had pulled that shit with me,

I'd have fired your ass so hard, you'd have left skid marks.

I can't lose my TA-ship. You know, I'd have to drop out.

You know, I care about my education.

You know, unlike these dinosaur professors spouting archaic bullshit,

just sleepwalking across chalkboards for 30 years.

Oh! Poor baby.

Sitting in a bar bitching about mean teachers and free grant money

while the rest of us are shoveling shit just to make ends meet.

Fuck you.

So, Kev, how are your two hot lesbo wives doing?

Fake lesbos. It sucks.

Think it's fun for me living out of a suitcase in my own home?

Why you gotta do that?

Because immigration shows up at 7:00 a.m.,

going through my shit to make sure that the fake lesbos are for-real lesbos.

They gotta bang each other, too?

What part of the word "fake" don't you get?

The part that I always see them in here being lovey-dovey.

Giggling and touching. (EXCLAIMING)

They're bonding. Do I feel left out? Yeah, a little.

Do I like it that V's got a new BFF? Not especially.

But do I think that she wants to munch a cooch? Hell no.

Oh! Hey. I thought you two were in school.

We got kicked out. Franny wouldn't stop crying.

I thought maybe Svetlana or V could help.

No, they're at home getting their vaginas interviewed.

(STUTTERS) What do you mean you got kicked out, though?

I had to meet with a counselor.

And he forced me to enroll in an alternative program for teen moms.

They call it "distance learning."

But you know what I call it? Discrimination.

I think you can only claim discrimination,

you know, if your issue isn't your own choice.

Well, I didn't choose to be a part of a family

that didn't support my decision in having this baby.

Debs, we want to help you, okay? You just keep refusing.

- Fine. Just hold her while I go pee. -(BABY CRIES)

All right.

- Support her neck. - Okay, I got her.

He'!-

He'!-

(BELL RINGING)

Don't let the death of an orphaned African child

be on your conscience this holiday season.

$20 buys him food for a day.

- Thank you. Thank you so much. -(RINGS BELL)

Our "I Do" package includes the bridal and maid of honor bouquets,

two bridesmaids' bouquets, and one altar piece.

- How much? - Starting at 800.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Got anything cheaper?

(FRANK EXCLAIMS)

The hell are you doing here?

Said I was coming. Toasty in here.

What's wrong with Liam? ls he sick?

(CHUCKLES) Convincing, no? Eye shadow and Vaseline.

It's a gypsy trick.

Hey, go wash your face. And good work today.

Are you the fiancé?

(EXCLAIMS)

Um... I'm the proud papa who's paying for this enterprise.

Don't listen to him.

What's the damage?

The lowest I can go is 650 for our rustic basic.

How much is the deposit?

Um...

30% down, which comes to 195.

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES SLOWLY)

No,no,no.

Cash okay?

And then she picked up my babies, one on each hip,

and she whispered into their ears, and they both stopped crying immediately,

and I was like, damn.

This crazy Russian is magical.

I knew then that I wanted her in my life forever.

And Mrs. Fisher, when did you first realize you were in love with Mrs. Fisher?

First time I saw her. We were in bar where we work.

This thing happened... glaza Na lob poleteli.

It's when your eyes, they climb onto your head. This happened to me.

Well, your individual interview answers line up for the most part.

And your joint interview has been shockingly credible.

I've been at this job eight years. Never seen a set-up quite like this.

So, did we pass?

Well, I don't buy a word of it.

But so far, I don't have any evidence to the contrary.

LESTER: I'll review your documents, follow through with family and friends.

I'll make a few more follow-up visits.

Can't wait to see how far you ladies take this.

(BOTH LAUGH)

People are pretty swell around here.

I don't hire assholes. Except for this guy.

-(THUMPS) -(EXCLAIMS)

Don't let her near your lunch. She goes apeshit over salty snacks.

Listen up, crew! This is Ian Gallagher, our new trainee.

The only person besides me to get a perfect score

on both the written and the practical.

-(EXCLAIMING) - Act civilized so he'll stick around.

Uh... Label and date your food, please.

This is your locker. Uniform's inside. If it doesn't fit, let me know.

Napping cots are around back.

And we'll hit the wagon in about 20 for rig check. Don't be late.

(ANNOUNCEMENT PLAYING)

(KNOCKING)

(SNORING)

Hey, hey. Hey, got you a redeye.

Looks like you could use a kick. But you might want to...

Listen, I prepped some notes for your lecture later, on scale relativity.

And here are some of the take-home quizzes for next week.

You know, some other shit I was supposed to do.

That all?

No. Uh...

No, I wanted to apologize,

you know, for saying that vile shit

about your family and stuff.

I was in a really bad place, and I really--

Papers in my box need grading.

Thanks.

(YOUENS EXHALES)

(GUITAR SOUNDTRACK PLAYING)

FIONA: You're inviting people you barely know to my wedding.

I know their characters, not their stats.

- How many folks you think Sean will want? - Uh...

His kid, a couple of Patsy's people, some people from AA.

I need you to count the paper stock.

That's a whole bunch of names.

I'm an esteemed member of this community.

The marriage of my eldest daughter is a notable event.

You're gonna charge a cover?

(ALL LAUGHING)

When you're knee deep in brand new kitchen appliances with matching flatware,

I'll be expecting a thoughtfully-worded apology.

- I'll go ring up your bill. - FRANK: Okay.

Reception. I know this cozy restaurant,

it's great food. It's got private rooms. You like Brazilian?

Where's the money coming from?

Irrelevant. This is about your smile as you dance the night away.

I don't get it. This sudden interest in my happiness?

I can't stop thinking about that infant Deb squirted out on my kitchen table.

I fucking missed it.

I'm tired of missing stuff.

Okay. We'll check out the Brazilian joint tomorrow morning. Come on, Liam.

Oxygen tanks are full, defib has fresh batteries, gas is at 90%.

- Linens? - Right there.

- Restraints? - Are in the gurney.

What's left?

I can't think of anything. Uh, jeez... What'd I miss?

-(SIRENS WAIL) -(EXCLAIMS)

That's a kick, huh?

I remember my first time flipping that switch.

My heart skipped. I was like, (DEEP BREATH) "I'm here."

You know?

You make it a habit and make it quick.

One of the top five rookie errors is taking too long with rig check.

What're the other four?

Being too detailed in your reports, using a bag valve mask improperly,

not learning the names of your patients,

and not going out to drinks with the crew after your first shift.

You will be counting on these people.

- You gotta build trust. -(RADIO BEEPS)

OPERATOR". Station 14, Car 28.

Stroke. Patient is non-responsive. Can you copy?

Go ahead.

Station 14 copy. Standing by for 10-20.

It's a nursing home call. We get about five per day.

Meet you later for drinks. And bring your girlfriend.

I'm gay.

Well, bring your boyfriend. No one gives a shit. Have fun with the grannies.

(UPBEAT SOUNDTRACK PLAYING)

(AMBULANCE ENGINE STARTS)

Comes the hand-o-saurus climbing from your nose

Way down to your toes

I got your toes.

Jeez... I suck at this.

What subject?

English. Personal essay based on The Hero's Journey.

Oh! It's like college level. We didn't do that till freshman year.

Yeah. This is so much harder than regular English.

It's like they want us to fail.

What the hell is a "Call To Adventure?"

That would be when you got pregnant.

Oh!

So where am I now?

Resurrection. When the hero gets tested at home.

-(BABY CRIES) - Hmm.

God, you're smart.

Are you testing Mommy? Are you testing Mommy?

Yes, you are. Come here.

I knew it wouldn't be easy, but everything terrifies me.

SIDS, jaundice, germs, reflux.

I keep a mirror by my bed and check her breath 10 times a night.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Good God, it's cold out there.

All right, we did pretty good today. Hey, go change your clothes.

(EXHALES)

Oh! We get to touch her now?

- Hey, you. - Stop! You're filthy!

- Have you talked to Derek? - Not yet. I keep hoping he'll call.

- And what about his parents? - No. They hate me. Screw them.

Scandalous. What kind of a man turns his back on his family?

- What's their name again? - DEBS: Delgado.

Come here, you. Come here, you.

- Careful. - Wait, wait, wait.

Hello, little Miss Gallagher. How are you?

- How are you? It's your grandpa. -(BABY CRIES)

Yes, it is.

Gotta start pinching pennies around here.

Diapers are, like, 30 bucks. And formula's, like, 25 a box.

Why formula?

- I told him to get it. - I breastfeed.

Yeah, well, Fiona said that you might need to supplement.

Well, Fiona can suck a turd.

If she had her way, Franny would be a blood clot

splattered at the bottom of a trash can in some clinic.

You're not falling for Frank's father-of-the-bride shtick, are you?

Nothing to fall for.

Well, from here, it looks like you might be.

I'm not letting him in. I'm letting him pay. There's a big difference.

Just don't want you to be disappointed again.

Frank has let me down my entire life. This will be no different.

I just wanna watch him fake like he's a human for a while. For fun.

Yeah, fun.

(CHEERS SARCASTICALLY)

Okay, let's make a bet.

How long till Frank bails? I give it two days.

One. If that.

If I win, you have to go down on me every night for a week.

Hmm.

And if you lose?

Same deal.

You drive a hard bargain, Gallagher.

- He didn't buy any of it? - Not one word.

- And when is he coming back? - Could be tomorrow, next week.

I'm gonna break my neck flying down those stairs like that again.

Maybe you should stay down there.

Are you serious?

- Not worth breaking bones over. -(WATER FLOWING)

This is some bullshit.

You know, I hope Svetlana really appreciates what we're doing for her.

What about us appreciating her?

You know that woman speaks four languages and can play the accordion blindfolded?

And her childhood was completely fucked.

She could tell you stories that would turn your hair white.

We're lucky to have her.

She's so mysterious.

She's like the sphinx. Part-cat, part-whatever-the-fuck.

(GARGLING AND SPITTING)

All right. Guess I'll head down.

Hey. It's only temporary, baby.

Yeah, I know. It still blows.

- Good night. - Night.

(EASY MUSIC PLAYING)

Mr. Delgado.

You wouldn't happen to have a son named Derek, would you?

Why?

I'm the father of the underage girl he knocked up.

Remember her? Cute freckled redhead?

The girl your 17-year-old son abandoned

when she told him she was gonna have his kid?

Derek didn't want her to have that kid.

Well, she had it anyway. Woman's right to choose and all that.

And boy, is that little thing cute as a button.

But she can work up some bills.

It'd be nice to get some help. Did I mention my daughter is underage?

What do you want?

Money, obviously.

(BABY CRYING)

You know, we could sound-proof the walls.

Yeah, or buy earplugs.

Or figure out how to get more food into that baby.

Has she let anyone of you hold her yet?

Yeah.

- Both of you? - Yeah.

Gang's all here. Must be infant-fucked-us-o'clock.

3:00 a.m.

Hey, did you use my toothbrush last night?

- Which one's yours? - SEAN: The light blue one.

No.

Let me be perfectly clear. Don't take my underwear.

Don't use my toothbrush. Don't wear my boots.

Hey, if it's under this roof, it's fair game. Them's the rules.

If you don't like it, there's a door right there,

and we have another one right here.

- All right, Frank. -(DOOR CLOSES)

- Hey-yo! - Hey!

Hey! You made it.

Yeah, of course. I'm not gonna miss an old school Gallagher blowout.

- Thanks for texting. - FIONA: Yeah.

- What's the occasion? - Deb's kid. It's gonna be a long night.

Another long night.

- How was your first day at work? - Yeah.

A little hectic. But I did good.

- And how's the firefighter? - When do we get to meet him?

Ian!

- Look who's here! Hey. - There she is. Put that out, put that out.

Hey, look at this. Oh, my God.

She heard you laughing and wanted to say hi.

She is a beauty.

(BABY CRIES)

Hey, little lady.

FRANK: Her neck, her neck. Support the neck. She's delicate.

Let's head up. Come on.

Deb, she's so sweet.

(CHATTERING)

DEBS: She's been so fussy. IAN: Look at that hair on her.

Look out, boys, here she comes. Oh, my God, she's a Gallagher.

- Hey, hi, there. -(BABY COOING)

(MOANS AND GASPS)

Morning. Where's Fiona?

Aren't you a bottle of bubbles? She left early with Frank.

Trying to set a good example for Franny.

When life gets tough, you smack a smile on your face and face the day.

Morning, Carl! Did you buy eggs? I can make us up a scramble.

- Lip, you want eggs? -(EXCLAIMS)

Morning, baby.

Rise and shine, Ian, I'm making eggs!

How is she so fucking perky?

Overactive adrenal glands from sleep deprivation.

I think she's headed for a major crash.

CARL: We got clippers anywhere?

- LIP: Why? You wanna cut your hair? - Want something more cop-like.

Fine, I'll look.

(SHATTERING)

- MAN: Fuck you, Frank! -(BABY CRYING)

(HONKING AND RANDOM TRAFFIC)

(BABY CRYING INSIDE)

Who would do this?

The lady he gave genital warts to. Or one of G-Dog's boys.

Shit. Could've been that blind bookie Frank screwed over last spring.

- So this is normal? - Everybody hates Frank.

- It could have hit Franny! - Oh! It's okay, Debs.

- SEAN: No. No, it's not okay. -(BABY CRYING)

You should stop making yourselves fine with this shit.

Set a fucking boundary.

You're not helpless. You know, it's your house, too.

Fifty, 55 people will be around 4,000.

Includes hot buffet, salads, tables, dance floor, and PA.

We charge extra for booze. But you may bring your own.

Pop can scrape that together overnight. Right, Pop?

Four grand is not begging-with-Liam money. Four grand is selling-Liam money.

Well, pony up. Lady's waiting.

Listen. I did my best,

but there was no way that they could--

Yeah. Sean totally called it.

Sorry to have wasted your time. Thank you so much--

Listen, I was going to say, I did my best to get him

to give me bigger bills. But it was late, and he was running low.

What the hell was that you pulled last night?

We're married. Married couples have sex.

Oh! You're gonna act like this is a real thing now?

You prefer to act like your seven orgasms were not?

Seven? Damn, I lost count.

Look, I know you feel like you owe us for what we did but--

I owe nothing.

I take what I want, when I want it. You could stop me.

I love Kevin. I'm not gonna fuck it up again.

A woman can have romantic feelings for more than one person.

She loves two children at once,

two friends.

We play pool now.

- Don't lock that. - I take pool very seriously.

- I have a business to run. - One game. It's slow.

Okay.

Fine.

Of pool. An actual game. With holes and balls and shit.

No balls. Maybe holes.

(KNOCKING AT THE DOOR)

Oh!

- LIP: When you need them by? - A week ago.

Gotcha.

Hey, look, how long do you plan on putting me through this shit?

You need a date?

I'm just curious.

(SIGHS)

I understand you feel misused.

I tend to bristle when accused of abusing my position.

But if you feel like you're the one pushing the boulder up the hill

while I carry the pebble,

that's a problem.

Bottom line, you and I have boundary issues.

My fault probably.

Moving forward, I'd like us to err on the side of professionalism.

- The fuck does that mean? - It means, you keep your shit to yourself.

Helene, your dick, the sorority parties, all of it.

And I'll do the same.

I'm your employer. Not your daddy or your girlfriend, or your therapist.

All so you don't put me in the awkward position

of having to decide whether to terminate your scholarship.

Do your job, I'll do mine. Sound good?

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

-"Ventures into region of challenge..." -(BABY BABBLING)

-(BABY CRYING) -(HUSHING)

"Ventures into region of wonder..."

"Gets challenged..."

(BABY MUMBLES)

(THUDS)

(BABY CRYING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

- Hey. What's up? - FIONA: Hey!

You're not gonna believe this.

Frank just forked over a $1,000 in cash for my reception.

- Are you fucking serious? - Yeah, I know. It's insane.

That piece of shit. I mean, you don't,

you don't just decide when you get to be a father.

That's Frank for you.

LIP: No, I mean, what's the fucking point?

I mean, why even have kids?

If you can't stick by them when shit falls apart, or like,

like, if you're the fucking reason. I mean...

You know, all these old narcissistic fucking alcoholics

should just crawl in a hole and fucking die!

(CHUCKLES) That's dark.

I thought you'd think it was kind of funny.

No. I guess I'm not in the mood.

- Something going on? - No.

Nothing, I just...

I didn't get any sleep. I was up.

It was a rough morning. Look, I gotta get some work done.

- Are you coming home for dinner later? - No.

No. I got class tonight.

Well, I'm on my way in to the church to drop off my marriage license,

but I'm free after.

- You sure you don't wanna talk? - Yeah, I gotta go. Later.

Your new liver can handle all that, Frank?

I'm celebrating, god damn it. I love the weight of this in my hand.

Yeah? What's the occasion?

Fatherhood. I did something selfless, and I feel spectacular.

Paying for shit you're supposed to pay for doesn't make you Jesus.

It does if you've committed your life to sticking it to the man.

I exist on the fringes of society.

I live by the code of the dragon.

Bankrolling a wedding? (CHUCKLES)

It's downright heroic.

So I wake babies from nap, I bring them home, and I cook dinner.

Tonight, I make borscht.

SVETLANA: It's my babushka's recipe.

A little bacon, a lot of misery.

KEV: Sounds amazing.

Come here.

First of all, I love you. With all of my heart, and I love us.

It's good to know, baby. I love you, too.

- Hmm. You smell fantastic. - VERONICA: I'm in a situation.

Svetlana. We had sex last night.

It was an accident.

Okay. It's gonna happen again?

It already did.

Today.

On purpose.

It's not just sex.

Oh, my God. Are you a for-real lesbo?

Hell no! You still got me dick-whipped.

- But something's going on. - Something?

What the fuck, V?

I thought you two were bonding like a couple of regular girls,

not carpet munchers.

We were. And then we weren't. I'm just as confused as you are.

I'm not confused! I am fucking pissed off!

And strangely turned on, which is very confusing.

This is like my worst nightmare and greatest fantasy all combined into one.

Oh, my God.

Does she feel the same way about you?

I didn't ask. And honestly, I don't even know how I feel.

- Then why the fuck are you telling me? - Because“.

- I want to keep doing it. -(GASPS)

With her. And with you. And with you and her together, but...

- And I'm not sure what to do about that. - All right, stop.

I need to think about this.

But I have a massive erection, and I need to wait for that to go down first.

The Klein

Gordon equation,

(DOORS OPEN)

the Dirac equation...

YOUENS: Mr. Gallagher. Glad to have you back.

And the free

field

Einstein

equation.

Or we could use the scale relativity theory

to explain the origin of how wave functions are generated.

You know, like most people do.

(SCATTERED LAUGHS)

- That's an option, of course, but... - No, it's the standard, actually.

People stopped using field theory for this shit back in the '90s,

which is about when you started pickling your frontal cortex with scotch.

(STUDENTS EXCLAIMING)

Both ways of reconciling wave functions are perfectly valid.

Nope. No. I mean, not anymore.

You know, you should read up on it.

Maybe you'll learn something.

- Excuse us. - What, what, what, fucking what?

You smell like a distillery.

You're losing your shit. Go home. Sober up.

I changed your shirt when you woke up covered in your own vomit!

I listened to you bawl your face off

about some student you fucked eight years ago

I helped you shave your face before your faculty meeting

because your hand was so fucking shaky!

You need to stop talking now, Lip. You're doing damage to yourself.

You don't give a shit about me!

You don't give a shit about me because you don't have to!

Right? You're sitting pretty in your ivory tower, and I'm a fucking insect

crawling on the wall, so you squash me, right?

What, because that makes you feel fucking powerful?

Because you fucked up your own life and you fucking hate yourself for it!

And I was your ticket out of the gutter, pal.

And you just blew it. You're officially fucking fired!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Go!

Fuck you! Fuck!

Okay, wait, so you don't cut the jacket for IV access?

No. Not if it's leather or down.

Leather's too hard to cut down,

you'll be pulling feathers out the rig for months.

- Got it. - Nap time.

I'll see you in 20, okay? Yeah.

The results from your background came in.

You voluntarily committed yourself to the Cook County Psych Ward?

I'm on medication now.

For?

Bipolar.

You lied on your application?

I got perfect scores on my exams.

Did you lie on your certification, too?

Well, you wouldn't have hired me if I'd told you the truth.

You're firing me.

I can't have someone on my team I don't trust.

Shit. It's paperwork, all right? That shit is meaningless.

We don't allow people with a documented history of mental illness

to work here for a reason.

I'm good at my job because of my illness.

I can stop a bipolar kid from jumping through a window

on a fucking 26 call.

(ANNOUNCEMENT PLAYING)

(BABY CRYING)

Debbie?

Debbie?

DEBS: Yeah.

I dropped her.

I fell asleep, woke up, she was face down on the floor.

Okay, okay. It's okay.

Hey, look, she's fine.

I got you. It's okay. Hey.

Not even a scratch.

Look.

- She's fine. Fine. Look. -(BABY COUGHING)

Not even a scratch.

Babies are resilient.

I can't stop her from crying.

I can't even feed her enough.

I'm a terrible mother.

You care so much, okay?

That's all that she needs.

Come here.

FIONA: Hey, you're burning up.

Does your breast feel tender?

Debs, you got a clogged duct.

Hey, it's okay.

It's okay. It happened to Monica all the time.

We just need to clear the duct. Okay?

A warm compress and some ibuprofen, you'll be all good.

I'll go get a hot water bottle started, okay?

I got it.

Okay. I'll get Ibuprofen.

Deb. Deb,

she wants her mom.

Go on.

There you go.

(BABY CRYING)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Freezing in here. Someone leave a window open?

- Can I talk to you for a second? - Sure, thing, son.

Frank, a brick came in the front window today. It's addressed to you.

(EXCLAIMS)

Usually, they come after the holidays.

You don't see a problem with this?

Well, not if no one got hit.

You know, I thought you were gonna thank me

for dropping a load of money on your wedding this morning.

Where'd you get the money?

In an honorable, ethical fashion.

Define "honorable."

Coaxed from an unwilling party.

Define "party."

The parents of the boy that got Debbie pregnant.

It's amazing what the threat of a statutory rape charge

will do to make a man start sweating coins.

You threatened Derek's parents by accusing their son of statutory rape?

You did what?

FRANK". Debs,

we need to maintain the upper hand

if we're gonna get him to keep writing checks.

This is her life. This is Franny's family.

You know, they're not a human ATM machine, Frank.

- You're taking money from them? -(BABY CRYING)

Their son spooged a baby into you, and then flew the coop!

That's abandonment. They owe us!

He'll never speak to me again!

Okay, hey, calm down. Calm down.

Frank told Derek's parents that he statutory raped me,

so they'd give him money.

Really? Fuck, Frank. That's a dick move.

It's a move that paid for the deposit on your restaurant. You're welcome.

Do you hear yourself? Even when you say you're helping, it's all about you.

Wind up another brick through the window, and no problem.

No biggie. It's just my kids' house.

What's for supper? I'm famished.

Okay. Frank, you're not paying for our wedding with your crooked money.

And you're not gonna ruin her relationship with her new family, and you're not

gonna smash Fiona's heart for the 500th time!

FIONA: Okay, good Lord, enough of this shit!

(YELLING) That's my pork chop!

Excuse me, that's my pork chop.

This is my house. It's my fucking family.

And yet, you treat them like shit.

You don't deserve to walk your daughter down the aisle.

(SCREAMS)

What, what?

Stop! Frank!

(BOTH GRUNTING AND STRUGGLING)

- Stop! Stop! - Stop this!

Oh, my God! Frank!

- Stop! - Stop!

(BOTH GRUNTING AND GROANING)

Fuck.

Oh, my God, you're gonna fucking kill each other!

- Frank! - Mother...

its?!

- Hey! - Stop it!

Hey!

Stop!

(CHOKING)

Oh, my God! What did you do?

Chokehold. Cops do it.

Is he breathing?

Daddy?

Frank?

(GASPS AND COUGHS)

You're a fucking asshole, Frank.

God! You were doing so great.

You almost pulled it off!

Then you had to go fuck it all up again.

Get the fuck out of here!

Go!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You're on parole. You wanna go to jail for fighting with that fucking asshole?

I was standing up for you!

I don't need you to stand up for me! I can stand up for myself!

(GROANS)

That's not fucking standing up for me. That shit's not about me.

That's about your fucking ego!

My heart is not getting shattered.

I don't have a heart when it comes to Frank.

Come on.

Let's get you cleaned up.

You like that, motherfucker?

You feel that shit! Fuck you, you...

Hey! Hey, what the hell are you doing?

COP 1 : Freeze!

What the fuck?

Fuck off!

Stop moving!

Fuck! Wait!

The fuck you looking at?

Somebody who got his ass kicked pretty good.

I was defending my family.

From what?

My daughter's fiancé.

Arrogant fucking dirtbag.

Struts around like he's God's gift to mankind.

Newsflash, buddy.

You run a garbage-y diner in a garbage-y part of town.

Nothing to strut about.

Man, what I wouldn't give to see him

bounce off the bumper of a rig doing 80.

Then get pierced by the wing of a low-flying plane.

And then butt-fucked

by a flock of Canadian geese.

How much?

What? How much what?

How much money, dumbshit?

The fuck are you talking about?

Hypothetically speaking. Say a...

Say a fella just got canned, like an hour ago.

Let's say the same fella,

he's got no moral issue extinguishing the life of an arrogant dirtbag.

Go on.

So this newly canned fella meets an irate guy on a train.

Irate guy needs a dirtbag taken out. How much would he pay for that?

What if irate guy only has two grand to his name?

Boy. In cash?

Maybe.

On his person?

Maybe.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Canned fella might wanna talk some more.

This is my stop.

That's half.

FRANK". The other half when it's done,

"Bruno."

So,

are we gonna have a fuck schedule? Or a fuck calendar?

You see, like, Sunday will be V and Kev.

Monday will be V and Kev,

and Svetlana.

Tuesday'll just be V and Svetlana.

Am I gonna get my own night with Svetlana?

Oh, shit. That's awesome. Date night!

Am I dating both of you in addition to fucking you?

Do we all go on dates together? And who's gonna be the third wheel?

I'm wondering if we should tell people.

No other dudes. No other dudes.

Part of me wants to brag.

But the other part's like, "This is kind of freaky-deaky."

Keep it close.

(EXHALES)