All language subtitles for Jackass.Presents.Bad.Grandpa..5.2014.1080p.BluRay.x264.YIFY

- Is it going?
- Yes.

Okay.

Leave a message for
Irving Zisman at the...

You fucking mutt, you're
fixing the penguin, dude.

I don't give a fuck
how old you are.

You come to Krazy Fish,
and I will fuck you up.

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville,
welcome to Jackass.

It didn't go.

Irving Zisman was created in
2001 for the Jackass TV series.

It was Spike who introduced us
to makeup artist Tony Gardner.

So, Spike originally
contacted me saying,

we want to take
himself and Knoxville

and turn them into old guys.

I met Tony Gardner 'cause
I did Three Kings.

We actually knew somebody that
knew what they were doing.

And we got really
professional makeup

for our very
unprofessional production.

We started on the
TV show and, yeah,

we would just get old and
go to Glendale, basically.

The funniest shit, though, it
always ended up being like,

"All right, go play golf.
That's not working. Fall down."

Yeah.

The falling down was
what got the reaction.

Oh, my God. Irving!

The makeup has evolved so much.
If you look at the early days,

it used to be almost like a
mask that they'd put on.

It was like a whole hood
piece, and then facial pieces.

And it was thick,

and the way we put the mask on,

it didn't really react
with your face that well.

You look at our first
version of Irving,

and then our second version of Irving,
then our third version of Irving,

the makeup keeps getting
better and better.

And it has to be better. I mean, like,
we could not have done this movie

with the first incarnation
of Irving, you know?

Now it's all individual little
pieces, so each little thing moves.

His throat moves, his cheeks move,

you know, his eyebrows and
everything has expressions.

For a show like this,
definitely you want something

that people, face-to-face,
are gonna believe is skin.

What we would do is
start with the bald cap

and flatten down his eyebrows,

put on the nose, and then work
our way into the larger pieces.

And then eventually finish with
the paint job and the hair work.

They're real artists, you
know, they're amazing.

I was nose-to-nose with
people, pranking them,

and no one ever questioned
the makeup ever.

And Stephen Prouty and all the
guys did such an amazing job,

we got nominated for
an Academy Award.

The golf course was the first
thing we shot for Bad Grandpa.

I was so mad sitting in the
makeup chair that morning,

'cause I was still in my "I'm
pissed about makeup" mood.

"God, 59 more days of this."

That's what I was
thinking that first day.

- Got the right idea.
- Go ahead, go in.

Oh, my goodness!
That's... That's...

Fore!

That's a utility cad.

The golf course gave
us the best idea.

They said, "You know what
would really bug people is,

"when they're on the green,
go and move the hole."

- Oh, come on.
- Get off there, you dumb...

Get out of there!

Who the hell are you, anyway?

Oh, man.

Where you going?

Where you puttin' the hole?

You can't do that.

You can't change a hole right in the
middle of your playing, can he?

Well he just did.

Stand there and watch him.

Alrighty, got you a brand-new
one right here, fellas.

Well, we already hit though.

You guys don't play by the rules?

No, we do.

Well, it doesn't look like it.

The rules are we gotta
play from the hole...

- Fat bastard.
- Pardon me?

You changed the fucking
hole right after we hit.

Hey, Sammy Davis, I don't need
to hear anything from you.

Hey, you can kiss my
ass, motherfucker.

You kiss my ass.

You don't want none of this.

You want a little of this?

You want a little of this?

No, no, no.

I'm just kidding, guys.

Yeah, kidding, my ass.

- What'd you say to me?
- We got, we gotta play the same.

We got nine groups that
gotta play the same hole.

Well, it ain't my problem.

Assholes.

You keep it up, motherfucker.

You keep... What,
what's gonna happen?

- I'll kick your ass if I come near you.
- Oh, yeah? What...

Pick on somebody your own size,

- and your own age.
- Fuck you. Fuck you.

- How old are you? How old are you?
- Mature.

I'm older than your mother.

You kiss my ass.

I'm 86 years young.

You wanna see 87?

That's funny. I don't
know if I'd open with it,

but that's funny.

Get outta there! Let us
finish the hole, you asshole.

Look it, he knocked your ball away.

Irving was definitely being a dick.

He was trying to get punched.

I think, on the first day
he wanted a good beatdown.

You guys I like. They're pricks.

It doesn't make a
difference who you like.

It matters who I like.
I have feelings.

- You're gonna be fired.
- Don't deny me my feelings.

You're gonna be fired anyway, man.

- Fired, hell...
- Hell, you're not.

Who are you gonna tattle to?

- Whoever it takes.
- Whoever will listen.

- Oh, yeah? Tattletale.
- Yeah!

Well, that's right.

Early on in the movie,
especially the first trip,

Irving hadn't settled into

the lovable old poonhound
that he ended up being.

He was kind of the dour old
poonhound in the beginning.

He was a little tonally off.

They shouldn't have
got so damn excited.

- Gee-whiz, I don't know what the hell.
- Yeah.

You know, we're just here
to have fun and, yeah.

I know, yeah, I'm sorry this
has affected you personally.

- My wife, she's been sick.
- He's wacko.

She won't give me anal anymore.

Sure, hey, I've been through
a lot of shit in my life.

- I'm 82 years old.
- Let's go, John. Next hole.

- God bless you, John.
- Working in construction, man.

We can't hold this up anymore.
They're gonna have the food

and we're not gonna
be there. Let's go.

- All right.
- All right, John.

- You take care of yourself.
- Okay, you, too.

All right.

- And I hope your wife turns out better.
- Thank you. You're a good man.

I'm going to think about overreacting
from now on, so I appreciate it.

Hey, tubby, lay off of it, huh?
I'm talking to John.

John's gotta go,
he's got a meeting.

Well, hell. Bye, John.

Now, don't mistake my
kindness for weakness!

You son of a...

Trouble.

We shot all day long,

and we had those people
on the hook all day long.

And I think that's
what got me excited.

I'm good, I'm good.

Whose clubs are these?

I think they're with your group.

I took one of their carts.

I'm so sorry.

If we can keep 50 people
on the hook all day long,

then we can do this.

I think it was a great first day.

Really great.

How does it feel being,
bringing Irving back?

Well, at 4:00 am this
morning, not so good.

But now I feel much better.

So, day one a success.

Day one a success.

How many more days to go?

Only 59 more fucking days.

All right.

Hey, can I bum a
smoke from you, man?

Please?

- Here you go.
- Thank you. What...

Don't worry about it.

Why would you put
that in your body?

Why would you do that to yourself?

You're a big, strong man.
Why would you smoke?

Bro, I'm gonna go in here...

- Wait, this, this gonna...
- Huh? What are you doing?

I'm gonna go in here before I
beat your motherfucking ass.

Oh, yeah? You think...
You do a lot of talk,

just 'cause I'm old.

I used to box!

I almost got my ass
beat by those two guys.

They went inside and thought about
me stomping out their cigarette

and came back out with a
cigar, like, this long,

and just put it right in my face,
begging that I would take it.

You're smoking again?

Now you're smoking cigars.
God damn it.

How much money you
got in your pocket?

How much money?

I got a lot.

Why, you wanna make
a bet on something?

I'm looking for that money
you broke my cigarette for.

The cigarette you smashed.

No, no, no. That was
a favor for you.

You say you were
gonna whoop my ass?

You're talking, you were talking.

Didn't you say you was
gonna whoop my ass?

Yeah, yeah.

You not gonna let me
show you, you ready?

You ready?

I'm always ready.

Well what you waiting on?

Well...

I'm a little down on my back
right now. Otherwise, I would.

Who is this guy, man?

Who is this guy, man?

Come on, come on.

Did you see that fucking
hot chick who walked by?

Fuck that chick,

where my motherfucking
cigarette money at, partner?

What are you talking about?
I'm talking about chicks,

you're talking about cigarettes.

We got a whole different
way of looking at things.

I bet you won't knock that I bet you
won't knock that cigar out of his hand.

See, he's trying to start fights.

- No, no.
- Yes, yes, you are.

Which I like. I like that.

- You're a shit-starter.
- No, I'm just saying...

You're a shit-starter, I like that.

But you smashed his cigarette, man!

I was doing... He's a handsome
man, why would he smoke?

He was nice enough to give you a cigarette,
and you stepped on it and smashed it!

And I wanted to do him a favor.

Jeez Louise. Now I'm the bad guy.

Sitters was a form of mark that
we would use pretty frequently,

'cause it would just be like,

if we wanted someone to be
sod of a captive audience,

you know, I could find
somebody where it's like,

"Hey, my grandpa just sits at this
fountain. I know he's so lonely.

"Could I have you just, like,

"go up and act like you
weren't hired by me

"to go just talk with him,

"and just sit and talk with him
for, like, an hour or something?"

Well, hello, good-looking.

- How you doing?
- I'm doing good.

Good.

I lucked out getting the only dry
bench in the park, it seems.

Right, you did, you really did.

If we hired a babysitter
to babysit Irving,

I could talk to that person as long
as I want and say whatever I wanted,

'cause they had to be
there, they were paid.

- I'm no different than any other man...
- Right.

With two arms, two legs
and 14-inch balls.

Right, right, right.

Throaty smell. Like, a deeper...

I'd like to hog-wrench
that spatouli.

I should be eating at the
nappy kitchen every night.

I mean, you're exactly right.

But the problem with the babysitters
was you kinda got this sort of stilted,

these people felt
unnaturally staying there.

They weren't giving
big enough reactions,

'cause they were sod
of unnaturally there.

I was the Robin Hood of poontang.

Friar Fuck. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

But we did do some funny
things with the babysitters.

We thought, while I'm getting out
story points about the movie

with this babysitter,

how about if we have
Charlie run by.

Charlie's our stunt coordinator.

And he's playing an actor,
she doesn't know him, I do,

and I challenged him to a footrace,

and in the midst of the
footrace, I trip him

and steal his wallet.

And she has to help me conceal
that I had stolen the wallet

from him and anybody else.

You shouldn't have tripped him.

- Why did you trip him?
- Look at this. I got his wallet.

- No, you didn't.
- I got his wallet.

- No, you didn't.
- Yeah.

- No, you did not steal his wallet.
- Yes, I got it. Yeah.

You have to give it back to him.

- No way.
- Why not?

We need money for the road.

- You gotta give that back to him.
- Oh, shit. He's here, be cool.

So...

- You guys didn't see a wallet, did you?
- Nope.

How can you do that?

How can you have that
on your conscience?

It's not on my conscience.

You know, I mean, really.

- Look.
- Do you know how valuable that is?

It's just 90 bucks.

How could you do that?

See, now you're making
me feel guilty.

You should. You should feel guilty.

I'll just go... Let me look.

Hey, we found it over
there in the bush.

You wanna keep going? Where?

It was right over
there in that bush.

There you go, buddy.

He walked over there
and looked for it.

Have a good day, son.

- Way to cover, way to cover.
- I'm not, I'm not...

- I'm upset.
- Come on, don't leave me hanging.

- I'm upset.
- Look, look, look, we still got the money.

Oh, you're a good girl.

No, I'm not, I'm not.

- Just be cool.
- Where's the money?

- Huh?
- No. No.

- Where's the money?
- I don't have the money.

Who has the money?

She's got it. She took it.

- No, I don't have your money.
- It's right there.

- I don't have the money, though.
- Where's it at? There it is.

He, you know what, he
put your money here.

- Oh, really?
- He did.

You know, I should call
the cops on you guys,

- is what I should do.
- You could.

- I didn't have nothing to do with this.
- Will you just let her...

She rarely has ever
done this, so...

I'll tell you what, you should
be ashamed of yourself,

- is what you should be.
- Yeah.

I didn't do it, she did it!

I don't care who did it.
Both of you.

I did not.

- Well, obviously you had the money.
- Keep walking, bird legs.

This isn't good. I think
I'd better start walking.

You seem like a nice guy.

Oh, shit.

- What?
- All right. We should split up.

- Why?
- 'Cause there's a cop.

- You see the cop?
- Yeah.

Remember, you didn't see nothing.

Oh, shit.

Hi, idiot.

Hi, asshole.

Hi, idiot. Hi, idiot.

- Don't call Grandpa an idiot.
- Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, idiot.

Might get this for Gloria.

It's about her size.

You should get one of
these for Mrs. Claus.

And what is that?

- Maybe Donner and Blitzen, too.
- Okay.

I bet they would ruin it.

- Hey, Billy, you wanna see Santa?
- Hello. Look.

Yeah.

Hey, Billy, before you go over,

ask Santa for something
for Grandpa.

I have to go pee-pee.

Okay, well, wait to use the restroom
until after we do it, all right?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- What's that?
- Just ask him.

Hi, Billy.

- Hi, Santa Claus.
- How old are you, buddy?

- Good.
- How old are you?

Eight.

Are you eight years old now?
Gosh, you're getting so tall.

- He's a big boy.
- Yeah.

Look right up there, Billy, and
take your hands out and say,

"Cheeseburger."

- Cheeseburger.
- Cheeseburger.

Now, what do you want
for Christmas, Billy?

I want a fishing rod,
tackle and bait.

Okay.

- My mom to get out of jail.
- Okay.

And a rusty trombone
for my grandpa.

- A rusty trombone for your grandpa?
- Yep.

- I'm cold.
- You are?

How can you be cold? Do you
think I'm giving you the shivers?

Santa gives a lot of kids the shivers
'cause I come from the North Pole.

Hope that's all he gives him.

But anyway, Billy, do you know

what snowmen eat for breakfast?

- What?
- Frosted Flakes.

Do you know why Santa Claus
doesn't have any children?

He only comes once a year,
and it's down a chimney.

All right, you be a good boy, okay?

Grandpa, I think I pissed myself.

You did?

You didn't think you
did, you really peed.

- Sorry, Santa.
- That's okay, buddy.

- Sorry.
- You be good, okay?

- Jesus.
- Sorry about the pee-pee.

- That's okay, buddy. No harm done.
- Oh, no. What'd you do?

Okay, we're gonna
have to take a break.

- How you doing?
- Hello, how are you?

Good.

Oh, no. My colostomy bag.

No, don't touch it, don't touch.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Oh, God, that...

I'm very sorry.

Oh, no, I dropped my watch.

I dropped my watch.

- In there?
- Yes. Can you help me?

- I'm so sorry.
- That's okay.

Is there some staff around?

- Yeah, he just went to get help.
- Okay.

- Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

If you stand in there,
he's gonna get help.

Okay. Thank you.

- Because they'll go get you...
- Can you help me?

- They're gonna get your stuff out.
- You're a good boy.

You're fine.

When you're doing pranks,
every now and then

you'll come across someone
who's absolute gold,

and that was the penguin guy.

- You ran over the penguin.
- You put a penguin in my spot.

You ran over the penguin,
what are you talking about?

Well, you don't have to yell at me.

We cut the bit to two
and a half minutes,

but it could have
easily been 15 minutes.

He just kept generating footage.

You're fixing this
fucking penguin, dude.

- Nah.
- What happened to it?

He put it right in my spot!

What do you mean your spot?
You ran it over!

Well, you don't have to yell.

You ran the fucking penguin over,

- you fucking mutt.
- You're still yelling.

Jesus Christ.

Do you work at this restaurant?

Don't worry about where
I work at, dude.

You know, you work at Fish
City across town, you said.

- Krazy Fish.
- Krazy Fish.

Krazy Fish, get that
right, Krazy Fish.

- Krazy Fish.
- With a K.

And if you did that to my fucking place
I would whip your goddamn ass, dude.

With a K? Sounds exotic.

So, George didn't even
work at that restaurant,

he worked at somewhere across town,

which he kept kind of half-promoting
while he was yelling at me.

Bro, come up to my fucking
restaurant right now, Krazy Fish.

- You come up there right now.
- Krazy Fish with a K?

Yeah, right up the
street over here, man.

I'll meet you over there, then I'll whip
your fucking ass in the back, dude.

What's your best item on your menu?

Don't worry about what the
best... Called "whip-ass."

- Whip-ass?
- Yeah.

Is that an entrée or a side?

It's gonna be fucking both.

They good prices? I like value.

You're gonna fix this
fucking penguin, dude.

He ain't leaving, dude, until he
fixes this fucking penguin, dude.

I'm sorry.

- He's hyper-focused on the penguin.
- I ain't fucking...

Listen, old man, you shouldn't
be driving to begin with!

If Irving was driving
and hit something,

the lawyers wouldn't allow
Billy to be in there,

so we had a dummy in his place.

And at one point, George finds it.

Yeah, I'm taking this
guy out of the car.

And I don't know what he's
thinking at that point.

It had to look like this weird little sex
toy or something for this dirty grandpa.

Here you go. That's your
fucking partner in crime.

- That's your leverage?
- All right, you fucking mutt.

You're fixing this penguin, dude.

You're fixing that penguin, dude.

Fix the fucking thing,
dude. Fix it.

Fix it.

Dude, you and I are
gonna go to town, bro.

And in his defense, you know,

I yelled at him early on,
and it got him emotional.

And then he became irrational.

And when people become irrational,

everything is real
to them, you know?

They're completely on the hook.

All over this stupid penguin.

Dude, fucking leave the
penguin alone, bro.

Anybody know this fucking guy?

"Anybody know this fucking guy?"

You're a fucking...

"He's on my nerves two,
three times already."

Go fuck yourself.

This motherfucker.

Fuck. There you go.

You kind of throw like a girl.

I'm gonna fucking throw
you in a second.

Atomic elbow! Atomic elbow.

I did a little wrestling
myself in my younger days.

- Dude, are you fucking kidding me, bro?
- What? Atomic elbow?

I'm gonna whip your ass with your
own motherfucking doll, dude.

- Come on. My tuchus.
- I'm telling you, dude.

- Do me again, do me again.
- Fix the fucking thing.

- Get me again.
- Dude, I'm gonna whip your ass, bro.

With eye contact, with eye
contact, get me again. Come on.

Does anybody know this fucking guy?
You guys know him?

With eye contact, get me again.

I think I've seen him somewhere.

- You fucking piece of shit.
- Oh, come on.

He was really on the
hook, and that is...

That's about as fun
as it gets for me.

And he was also, he had
a nice sense of humor

about it when it was over.

How come you didn't take a swing?

'Cause he's a fucking
old man, dude.

I was fucking waiting for
the cops or something,

I was gonna fuck him up,
dude. I can't believe that.

Here, what do I gotta sign, man?

So, we first shot Irving's
balls on Jackass Number Two,

and Johnny Knoxville loves having
those prosthetic balls on.

So, as we were writing ideas, we knew
we were gonna bring back the balls.

You have the balls
readily available?

- Not here.
- That's the set of hangers.

But Knoxville specifically
wanted two sets made.

He wanted the more-believable,

which I think are the
12-inch hanging balls.

But then he thought it'd be
hilarious to shoot a bit where

his balls are actually tucked into his
black socks that are pulled up real high.

So, he had to make an 18-inch
dangling set of balls.

So, we thought it'd be funny to
prank a bunch of delivery guys.

- Hello.
- How are you, son?

- How are you doing, sir?
- Good, good.

What have we got?

- This one.
- All right. Thank you.

- Sure. This one.
- Yes, sir.

It's never as simple as it appears.

I answer the door in my boxers,
my balls are tucked in the sock,

you'd think they would see it,
but sometimes they don't see it,

and so we have to figure out a way
to get their eyes down there.

Jesus.

- That was just plates.
- Okay.

I'm sorry, can you get that
for me, son, I can't really...

Of course, of course. No problem.

$73.97, sir.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

- All right. There you go, son.
- Thank you so much.

- Keep the change. All right, all right.
- I appreciate it, thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

- Have a good night, sir.
- You, too.

I didn't tip him for shit.

Did he see? Did he look?

It was one of those days where
we'd never done a prank before,

and we executed it like shit.

We called the same delivery
place over and over,

having them send drivers over.

Yeah, all right.

Of course word's gonna get
out amongst the drivers.

- Hello.
- Hi, how are you?

- Johnny Knoxville, I presume.
- Yes, sir. Good to meet you.

I did a search on the...

We're still not that
good at what we do.

So, we were going to film

this very simple matching
shot of me making a U-turn.

It was the decision for me to go
back and get Billy at the bar.

Windows are up until
we make the U-turn.

Okay, yeah, I'll put
it in the floor.

We had filmed the
exterior of the U-turn,

now we were filming the
interior of the U-turn,

and all I needed to know, Sean,

was, is the window up
or the window down.

When you're filming, this
window has to be up, okay?

- Okay.
- Thanks, bud.

And the best thing is I'm gonna go
shoot a scene where I have to kinda

get a little worked up.
It's an emotional scene.

The director, Jeff Tremaine, comes up
to me right before we shoot and goes,

"Hey, can I stay back

"and color this sign while
you go shoot this?"

I'm like, "Yeah, of course,
Spielberg, you stay back and color,

"I'm gonna go shoot a
dramatic scene. No sweat."

Joe, can you tell me to roll my
window up right before we shoot?

It's too hot in here
to keep it up for now.

Copy that.

Joe, remember the only time
that has to be down is

when he actually pulls
the actual U-turn.

I was so confused what
the hell was going on.

You know I wasn't there for that.
That's not my fault.

I mean, that was,
that was Trip and Joe.

Did he really blame me for that?

He blamed me for the
window up, window down?

Trip, you said the only time
the window has to be down

is when I make the U-turn?

You make the U-turn is when you make
the U-turn. Other than that it's up.

PJ, the whole time it's up...

For continuity, the only
time after you come

out of the montage
the window is down

is when you pull the actual
U-turn to go back to the bar.

Jennifer and I just went through all
the frame-grabs, and that's how it is.

So I make the U-turn,
then roll my window down?

No, it's the sequence
when you do the U-turn

that's when you have to
roll your window down.

You do it before we
make the U-turn.

So let's get on the main road,
and then we'll keep moving.

Then we'll roll up the
window and start rolling.

Correct.

Don't roll that passenger window down,
PJ, because the camera's attached to it.

I am not following.
Do... Look, is my...

Do I have to touch my
window the whole time?

You do not. Before your window is
down for your comfort right now

your driver side window is up.

Don't even touch it until
we get to the U-turn

and then Joe will come out
and open your window.

I've showed that to people and they
just can't believe it happens.

I'm like, "It happens."

For continuity sake, the only
time your window is down

is when you actually pull
the U-turn in the cut.

All right, so let's bring your window up so
that it's up now and we'll start rolling.

But the longer it
went on, I thought,

"You know what? Maybe
everyone's fucking crazy."

Well, fuck, I still don't
fucking follow, but whatever.

All right, window should be up...

We work some days at
a really high level,

and then other days it's like we've
never seen a camera before in our life.

Dude, hold on one second, I just
want to fix something back there.

Good job, Rick, that
made all the difference.

To make it less daunting, it was
easier just to wrap your head around

"write funny scenarios for Irving."

That's what we always did
for the Jackass movies.

- Rick.
- What?

Put tap dance shoes
on and tap dance.

Stay still.

Can you sit up, please?

Can you adjust the cameras?
Jesus Christ.

Can you hear it?

Then shut the fuck up!
Look at all the shit you've got.

Rick, you're doing great, kid.

You're doing great,
don't change a thing.

He's got two sets of
keys and he's fucking...

All right, all right. Camera hides.

Oh, my gosh. Almost like they
made these boxes for it.

What are you doing right here?

Making camera hides.

On our first trip, we didn't
have it figured out at all.

I thought we had. But no.

Just a prototype but, you
know, it's a starting point.

Well, I remember walking on
the set in... Was it, Columbus?

We were at a cafe, and
we had, like, a camera,

I mean, it wasn't much different
than a camera, like, bag like this

with a hole right there and the guy
just sitting there holding it.

And I was so fucking pissed.

The family sees, saw that camera
with the girl and the bag.

This might be a bust
before it even begins.

You see him looking at the
camera guy and walking away?

After the first trip, we rallied,

and all the things that
were wrong as a production,

we all talked and we fixed them for our
next trip out to Cleveland, I think it was.

So, our camera hides and
bags were much better.

What camera?

So, this is our baby carriage,

since I couldn't be
trusted with a real baby,

I got me one of these instead.

We had birdhouse hides, and
we had a shopping cart,

we had two shopping carts.

There was a helmet
that we shot through.

It's a video camera. Looks
like an old photo camera,

but it's a video camera.

You want to put it on
this end or something?

You never know where the
best reactions are gonna be,

so you really want as many cameras,

kind of making a circle
around the whole location.

I had a button cam on.

We had a Port-A-Potty, and
sometimes people would come up

and try to use it and so the
camera gets wiggled because

someone's trying to
get in there to poop.

We had a funny trash can hide.

It's the most comfortable hide
I've been in yet, actually.

Oh, yeah, and then,
the soda machine.

Looks like a soda machine and there's
a cameraman shooting through it.

That's actually one of
the stars of the movie.

Push, push. Push, push.
Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, yeah, I felt sorry for
the cameramen. I really did.

I have a bad problem
with claustrophobia,

so I was really feeling for them.

They're just stuck there
behind their camera

shooting for, I mean, sometimes
it was six, seven hours.

I mean, they had to have a little
pee bottle with them in there.

We never gave them a poo bottle, but
I don't think anyone ever pooped.

Should I take a shit before
or after I go in there?

- We got a little bucket.
- I'll use the bucket.

- Don't use the bucket.
- That's what it's there for.

There's a bucket. There is really
a bucket. Just in case, you know?

But if someone has to use
that, you're screwed.

Most of the time on the street

we'd shoot out of vehicles
with the bigger cameras.

Here's one of our
shooting vehicles.

I would never let Kosick go out, 'cause
I think Kosick's too recognizable,

so he was always stuck in the van with
me, shooting out of a tinted window.

So, I've always got Kosick fading
in the backseat of where I am.

Excuse me? You faded all the time.

I'm telling the story
here, Rick, not you.

Your story is not legit.

- Telling people...
- You faded a lot.

- Bullshit.
- You faded as much as me.

Seamus, explain to me
what's going on here.

It's for the wireless microphones,
so we have better reception.

You get to be far away.

Not only do we have
to hide our cameras,

but we have to hide our mics.

So, Seamus would wrap his
little mics in, you know,

trash or, like, a coffee cup

and just place it where
the action would be.

And we'd constantly have to stop people
from, like, picking up our equipment.

Well, this is where my
wife wanted to be buried.

- Married?
- Buried!

He's trying, he said,
to pick up chicks.

Kept Seamus busy for a while.

I'm a recent widower,

if you weren't married I think
we'd have a pretty good shot.

We had all the cameras
fed to one place,

and that was the control van,

where we had the director, myself,
Trip, just watching everything.

We could see exactly what's
going on from every camera

and make adjustments
as we went along.

So, this is how I talk to Irving.
That's how I talk to Billy.

And I get confused all the time
and I tell them the wrong things.

Where'd Billy go?

He went back to the van.

You wanna go back
around there and reset?

Bullshit.

Yes, but I wasn't talking to you,

I was, like, acting like
I was looking for Billy.

I'm sorry.

As Irving was, kept striking
out through the movie,

we thought it would be funny
to hire these love guru guys,

these pickup artists, you know,
that you can hire these guys

that will give you game, you know.

We thought these guys
have to be great characters.

What do you, what
do you do exactly?

First of all, I like to
work with people.

I'd like to get you to
a point where you feel

comfortable talking to women again.

And then I also work on
things like your fashion.

My fashion? Like
what kind of stuff?

Well, you know, you might
wanna soften it up a bit.

Right now, you look good,
but you're a little outdated.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, a little bit.

- Yeah?
- A little bit.

We wanted this guy to just
be this misogynistic,

womanizing prick, basically,

but what we got was this
very sweet, genuine guy.

Like, you must have kicked
Wilt Chamberlain in the ass

sleeping, like, with the
number of women you...

I, you know, I can't say.
I don't know, I never counted.

You're not... No, no, no, yeah.

I always thought it was
disrespectful to count.

I've only counted how
many at one time.

Oh, shit.

Let me hear, let me hear.

- You really want to know?
- Yeah.

Seven.

Oh, my God, seven, seven
at once. Seven at once.

He slept with seven women at once.

That's what he just said. He
slept with seven women at once.

- That's not true. It's not.
- That is true.

- Would you stop? Stop.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry.

I don't know if I can do this.

Hey, Bridget. This is Cedric.

- Hi, Bridget, my name's Irving.
- I don't think you should...

- Irving. Hi.
- You're very beautiful.

This is my friend Cedric. He
banged seven women in one night.

- Tonight?
- No, not, not, not tonight.

That's attractive.

But this man has set a record.

I'm going home.

All right, cheers. Cheers,
cheers, cheers, cheers, cheers.

Cheers, fellas!

All right. Here's to seven
women in one night!

Go, Cedric!

If Irving starts drinking,
he gets excited.

I need another shot of tequila!

- No, you don't. No, you don't!
- Yes, I do.

But it's good when Irving
drinks, because sometimes,

you know, I get a
little more loose.

- Cedric.
- Yes, sir.

I will throw myself on the
grenade, which one's the grenade?

Oh, my God.

I will take one for the
team, just show me.

But sometimes when I
drink, it's not so good.

All right, Cedric, let's cut the
shit, I'm hitting a massage parlor.

She's a masseuse.

- You're a masseuse?
- My God.

Are you? Are you?
Oh, you rike a massage?

- No happy endings.
- Fwip over.

No happy endings.

What? Come on. Come on.

You're a masseuse?
Thank you, Jesus.

And the longer the bit takes,
the drunker your star's gonna be.

And that's just the truth.

I'm drunk as fuck.

- Thank you, Cedric. You're a good man.
- You're welcome, my man.

- What a sweet man.
- Are you leaving me?

Seven women in one night!
Seven women!

My hero, Cedric!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, listen up,
listen up, listen up, listen up.

First, that old gentleman
you just saw in here

was Mr. Johnny Knoxville,
and we are shooting a movie.

We shoot this whole strip club thing
and the stripper guys were so cool,

they were so funny, and
just had great spirit.

I was hoping one of you guys was
gonna knock me out tonight,

but you caught on too fast.
You guys thought you had him.

He's the boxer, he's the boxer.
He was about to...

I am 0-83 lifetime in fights, so
I'd have been 0-84 after tonight.

So, after we pranked the strippers,
we thought it'd be funny

if they chased Irving through
the streets, you know,

in their various states of undress,
trying to freak people out.

Hey, hey, stop. What the fuck?

Help! Oh, my God. Help!

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Hey!

Jesus, oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Wail!

Help, wait! Wait!

Oh, my God. Help. Help! Help!

What was that?

I'm sorry.

Baptists.

What's your name again?

I'm your husband, Irving Zisman.

- You're my wife, Ellie Zisman.
- I love you.

Spike knew Catherine
Keener from way back

and he just basically
pulled favors.

Keener's amazing at improvisation.
She's obviously an amazing actor,

and so we kind of
wrangled her into it.

Like, I don't think
she's ever shot with...

The way we shoot is just chaos.
There's no, like...

She's used to, like, "Okay,
what's this scene about?

"What's the direction, director?"

Well, I did want to talk to you about
my character before we started,

- but I lost you.
- Okay.

I mean, all I knew is that

I was ultimately
gonna be the corpse.

I had no idea where the
cameras were, I had nothing.

You mean, you really
walk into it completely

without any perspective on
what's real and what isn't,

when you're doing it.

We had the idea that when
Ellie, after Ellie died,

the movie would end on

her body being thrown off a bridge.

Well, we'd need to motivate that,

we need to show where did
that idea even come from,

or it just looks like you're
ditching a corpse at the end.

So, we figured we'd shoot a
prank with a funeral planner,

where the idea of throwing Ellie's
body off a bridge first popped up.

I'd really think

you should consider burial
instead of cremation.

I'm not interested in this.

- Well, we have to make plans, honey.
- I'm not interested in this.

I don't want anything.
I don't want to be buried,

I don't want to be cremated.
I don't want to make a plan.

I want him to take me, I want
him to throw me off a bridge.

Do whatever you want.

Of course, you cannot be
thrown out, off a bridge.

- No.
- That's what I want.

But, Ellie, even if you
go over the bridge,

something needs to happen
to your body, right?

Look, I have these
beautiful crypts.

He blames me for his unhappiness.

- Well...
- He blames me.

- Well, we haven't...
- He blames me.

- We haven't had sex in 12 years, so...
- That's not a lot.

I can see that you've been
married for a long time.

What is that? Stop it. God.

I'm sorry.

That's not funny.

- It's not funny.
- Please kill me.

You know why he can't
wait for me to die?

Because he wants to have
sex with people like you.

I'm not kidding you. I am not
kidding, that's the truth.

If I die, please don't
take his calls.

You're not gonna take
my calls. Take my calls.

You want some gefilte fish?

No, I don't even think
I know what that is.

It's so good.

So, I just want you to know that
we have wonderful payment plans,

- if you want one or two.
- Is this another price list?

No, actually, each burial is...

I'm sorry you had to see that.

- You okay?
- What is it?

What are you...

It's good, honey.

Honey, that's cat food.

Look at that, look at it.

With chicken and gravy.

Here, have some water.

If you go...

If, after she does...

If she does pass on before me, is it
cool if I do call you afterwards?

Yeah, of course you can call me.
I'm gonna give you my card.

Sweet.

Almost every scene we shot,

we shot multiple times,
with multiple different people.

You know it's gonna take a half hour
each time, or an hour each time,

and you just stack the day up,

'cause you'd never know
what you're gonna get.

A funny thing happened
with the last lady we saw.

She came in

and she was the teacher,
we were the pupils,

and she just took control
of the situation.

Maybe they would give me half off

since she already embalmed
me from the waist down.

Irving, here's what I
want to say to you

and I'm gonna say it as a
person, not as a professional.

Yes, ma'am.

If you refer any more to
your sexual depravation,

then I'm gonna have to leave,
because that's not why I'm here.

- Okay, I understand, I just am upset.
- Thank you. Thank you.

And it's funny how her energy
just kind of made us behave.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And I apologize.

- That's okay.
- I'm sorry.

Thank you.

After we revealed the prank to her,
she was such a good sport about it.

- You!
- I am so sorry.

- You.
- I'm sorry.

- You're a bad man.
- I'm sorry.

- You're, here's the deal, buddy.
- Isn't he terrible?

Let me just tell you
something about you, Irving.

The deal with you is
that you really sold it.

- It's not that you didn't sell it.
- No, I know. No, he's right. No, I know.

- I was terrified.
- But I thought, "What an asshole."

You're not too far from
the truth, actually.

A couple of weeks later,

the lady sends an email to
our field producer, Jarrod,

and it was the funniest email,

recounting how she perceived
that whole prank.

"Driving back on the 405,
happy to live in a town

"where the ordinary can become
the extraordinary in an instant,

"where normal life can be
interrupted by surprise

"and where, for a moment,
if we're paying attention,

"we can be lifted out of the
repetition of the routine

"into a creative act that could
be hidden in every moment."

She really put a happy
face on that prank.

We are making

an erection device.

Kassak, can you take it up slow?

There's Kosick in his gym shorts.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, look
at him, he's working out.

He put a robe on.

When you're not in shod range,

the default position for the device

is with the erection straight out.

As soon as we got outside the
building, out of the range,

I just had the biggest erection.

And there was nothing
to cover it with,

and it was sticking really far out.

One of Hollywood's greatest
actresses, Catherine Keener,

is helping me conceal this erection
the whole time around the building.

I'm sorry, Catherine.

Okay, who's the last one,
person who cut the card?

I'm too old to cut the cards,
but I can still flop the queen,

- if you know what I'm saying.
- Okay.

I'm sorry, ma'am. It's my
wife and my 50th anniversary.

I'm feeling a little
frisky tonight.

Happy anniversary, baby.

She got me a compass.

Which is really sweet.

I don't know how to open the
goddamn thing. There we go.

Is there some reason she
gave you a compass?

- Is this your hand right here, sir?
- So I can find the bottom of her vagina.

- Stop it, God damn it.
- Okay.

But you also need some longitudinal

and latitudinal coordinates,
I think, to help.

Or maybe some, like, mossy trees.

You got it, you got it, my friends.

She's got a mossy tree.

But, I mean, your wife's Japanese,

- so you get that.
- What did you say?

- Yeah, yeah, you know.
- Yeah.

He says his wife's Japanese
and she's got a hairy one.

What'd you get me for my present?

I will, baby, can I tell
you in a second, baby?

What'd you get me?
What'd you get me?

- What'd you get me?
- Baby, let's play, let's play.

Okay, what'd you get me?
What'd you get me?

Baby, let's play.

We got married 50 years ago today.

I can't tell her what I got her.

- Today! Fifty years ago.
- Okay.

I took two Viagra!

Good, good, good, good, good,
that's gonna be good for you,

very good for you later tonight,
yeah. Yeah, good luck.

Give me your hand.

Okay, okay, there's my hand.

- That's all right.
- This is my baby girl right here.

- I believe you, I believe you.
- What are you doing?

Ain't it hard?

Yeah, yeah. That's great.
That's, that's, that's wonderful.

- She got me a golden compass.
- Right, right, right.

I took two Viagra tonight.

That's your gift, baby.

She got me a compass,
I got her a teepee.

Oh, my God.

Stop it, stop it! I don't
think that it's that funny.

Baby, baby, come here, baby.

You guys are fucking crazy.

Oh, my God, those, that couple, you
couldn't have gotten better marks.

- They were so sweet.
- Please stop. Somebody call stop.

We cut. We're telling
everyone right now.

- Do we have to go back out?
- No, no.

I hate this job.
I fucking hate you.

This is Handsome Jack Heartthrob,
he's gonna be our corpse for the day.

This is our hearse, and we're
gonna ride around and...

- Car.
- Car.

This is the second funeral
bit you've done with us.

On the TV show, he...

On the TV show, Jack
was playing her pad

and falling out of the
back of the hearse.

Wait, wait, how do we know this
thing's not gonna flip over, though?

- We don't.
- Yeah, how do we know that?

We have no idea.

- So, we have no idea.
- It's called trial and error.

We don't know it's
not gonna flip over.

If it flips over, try to come
out as dead as possible.

'Cause if you break your fall,
it's not gonna look very good

for a dead guy to break his fall.

So your face was all whitish green.

It was white, because Spike
goes, "I'm a makeup artist."

And he just took baby powder
and slammed it in my face.

He's a makeup artist.

What is he doing?

How's Spike's breath?

Is that...

It's cutting through that baby
powder scent, that's for sure.

Insufficient funds, my tuchus.

I am very sorry about all of this.

But you have insufficient
funds, what else can we do?

I'll tell you what you can do,
you can kiss my tuchus.

I don't want you to
bury her anyway.

- Mr. Zisman.
- Get out of my sight. Get!

Can you believe that yahoo?
How we gonna do this?

Come on. Push her close.

Watch out, watch out.

God.

Oh, God.

Get in the car.

- What are we shooting here today?
- We have...

- Smelly Ellie.
- Smelly Ellie.

We're gonna get someone to try
to help bury her in the backyard.

We thought it'd be funny
to hire a guy to come over

and dig a hole in the backyard,
thinking it's for a tree or something,

and then spring it on them that,

"No, what actually, this is for my
wife, and would you carry the body

"out from the house and drop
it in the hole and bury her?"

I had a terrible time at the funeral
home trying to bury my wife.

I was wondering if I could
pay you a little money

to help me bury her
in her favorite spot.

I can't do that, no.

I can give you an extra $60.

I don't think that's legal, and I don't
want to be getting into trouble.

We tried this in Columbus, and
people wanted nothing to do with it.

No, I can't do that.

Can you help me just carry
her outside to bury her?

No, I can't do that.

Please help.

Please help an old man.

So, basically, we did not
get the bit in Ohio,

so we moved it to North Carolina 'cause
that's where our next location to shoot was.

This is the second time trying to get
someone to help me bury the body,

and I'm feeling kinda confident
today that it's gonna happen.

I think the vibe I was
putting out last time was,

wasn't one of positivity.

Today, I'm gonna be
a little more positive

in trying to get the
mark to help me do it.

I was telling you my wife
passed away a couple days ago

and she requested a home burial.

And we are gonna put
her in that hole,

and put a dogwood
tree on top of her.

And I was wondering if you could
help me carry her out there,

- and put her in the hole, please.
- Okay.

If we just...

Okay. Here we go.

You know, just throw
her in there, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Well... Let me, okay.

- All right, leave her go.
- One...

Leave her go.

Leave her go? All right.

Oh, my goodness.

- How much do I owe you?
- $325.

I don't really know about the
legality of all this, so...

$325? Yeah, all right.

I'll give you an extra $100.

That day I had two different people

help me bury a body
in the backyard.

Let's see.

We'll just, I mean, we're just
gonna drop her in, all right?

Okay, one, two, three.

Oh, shit.

Jeff just completely discounted

someone was gonna
put it in the ground.

Lord, please take my Ellie girl

into the Palace of Elysium.

She's a good girl.

I'm actually kind of
sugarcoating that a little.

She was always, earplugs, son. She
was always kind of a bitch, Lord.

Wouldn't give me any poon the
last 10 years of our marriage,

and not even a OTPHJ.

That's an over the pants handjob.

And then we got rid of
that whole idea altogether

and decided to take
the body on the road.

I think it went amazing. We had
three different sets of people

help me dispose of a body today.

Two into a shallow grave
dug in the backyard,

and one just helped me
put her in the trunk.

So, Gloria should be coming in,
into town next week, right?

Yeah, there's her tits and vagina
hanging in that closet over there.

Look at that beat-up old pussy.

Well, Gloria's someone that
we've shot with before.

It's really just Spike dressed as
an old lady, doing crazy stuff.

That was, you know, what we
shot on Jackass Number Two.

That's where Gloria was born.

- I'm Irving.
- And I'm Gloria.

And we're a dirty old couple.

In the second one, I was Gloria.

I was this old lady, and she
was very, very forward.

Probably pretty promiscuous
and maybe even a slut.

Hey, you guys like to party?

Hey, Cordell, you
look handsome there.

Thank you.

You boys wanna party?

Gloria, since last we met her,
I think she's evolved a lot.

Gloria can be very of-the-Earth
and at one with herself

and nature and the universe.

And she can share her
pussy with everyone.

Steve, can I get some
hand sanitizer, please?

- Well, here's our new dispenser.
- Well, I'll take a little of that.

- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you, sweetheart.

Dimitry, do I look prettier
than I ever have before?

Yeah, you do. You look... Yeah.

That was all I wanted. I just asked
them to make me look pretty this time.

- 'Cause I was so...
- You look gorgeous.

I was so demented last time.

I do look really pretty, right?

You have great skin for your age.

- You aged well.
- Thank you.

Gloria, it's tricky, 'cause,
okay, the nice way to put it is

I have very strong features.
I have a big nose.

Spike has very strong features.

To make strong features feminine
is a really rough battle

because the makeup is
an additive process.

Gloria was always the
tough one to crack.

Gloria, you ready for the day?

I don't know.

I mean, yeah, of course.

My whole reason for bringing
Gloria back in this movie

was to shoot a sex scene
with Irving and Gloria.

That's all I wanted to do.

I wanted those two to
be in full body makeup,

and have to do a sex scene, 'cause
neither of them wanted to do that.

They hated that idea.

And he kept coming
back to it, he's like,

"What if we go to San Diego and you
guys have sex in front of a ship?"

Like, things that
didn't even make sense.

So, Gloria in the story
for Bad Grandpa was...

We thought she was gonna be

the old high-school sweetheart
that got away from him.

We decided, we'll just
meet her in a restaurant,

but we'll already have
a date there with her

that we were gonna
get off Craigslist.

Oh, yeah, man. Your email responses
were just off, all night long.

Like, all... I got
like 50 responses.

- Oh, 50, I got 50 dates?
- Yeah, yeah.

It's all these guys who
are answering this ad,

some of them are legitimate, like,
you know, older guys themselves.

But some of them were
just creepy. You know?

There was a guy that would only come if
he was promised mutual masturbation.

And we said yes.

I had a lot of, you know, lot of
firsts that week in North Carolina,

where I found myself,
like, like getting propo...

Like, the man that wanted to give
me a massa... Like, nude massages.

Yes, that, that'd be fun,
bring your massage table,

I've never done that.

I'm a, you know, I'm very curious,

I'm a very, you know,
interested, curious person.

And another man that wanted me
to talk... To dominate him.

You are a naughty boy.

And that you need
a little discipline.

Okay? Now, you get in your
car and you drive over here,

and quit being so naughty.

You just shut up. You do not
talk about your feelings,

'cause I don't give a
fuck about your feelings.

No, you don't say that,
or you say, "Yes, ma'am."

Or I'll smack the fuck outta you.

And then Spike felt weird because
he thought the guy may have been

taking care of himself while
he was talking to them.

Are you touching yourself?

You don't like being, do...

You just think about that
for 25 seconds, okay?

You're a bad boy,
you go into the corner.

He's never gonna be on camera.
He won't even go in the restaurant.

I mean, I had mixed feelings
about this situation.

And, but, you know, we
gotta make a movie, right?

Bottom line is it's so
poorly thought out because,

well, who the hell's gonna sign
a release form after the fact,

like, they're gonna
come out looking like,

"Oh, my God, I was just out
there trying to hook up

"with an 85-year-old freak show."

I don't wanna lead you on, I'm...

You're not leading me on.
That's not an issue.

I know, but you're coming
on to me and so I don't...

I was not coming on to you.

You were kind of coming on to her.

I was not coming on to her.

- A little.
- It seemed that way when I came in.

It shouldn't seem that way.

Yeah.

That pad when you told me about how
good my Kundalini was, was kinda...

We didn't talk about your Kundalini.
I don't know what a Kundalini is.

You showed him your Kundalini?

No, but I think he could imagine.

I met a man named... We're gonna
have to beep that, though,

because he wanted to fuck
me in the ass. Oops.

I don't know. A lot of them wouldn't sign
the releases, let's put it that way.

Hey!

Hi!

So nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Where are you going?

I've I got here early. And I think

I got another appointment
to go to. I tried to call you.

And do you have five minutes?

No, I need to go to the
other appointment now.

That's okay. I'll
just get some coffee.

Okay. All right, honey. Thanks.

One other thing...

You think we could
meet later on tonight?

Uh no, uh-uh.

Maybe a, you know, a little
booty call around midnight?

No, uh-uh.

Okay. Hope you have a good night.

All right, uh-uh.

I got stood up.

A lot of more funny ones
wouldn't sign releases.

Like, one guy showed
up and he wanted to...

He wasn't very nice to me,

he just wanted to eat
and fuck, basically.

And, you know, I wanted a
little conversation first.

He showed up and he was just angry.
You know, he just sat down angry.

Of course, he was angry.

I gotta go to the restroom.

I gotta use the restroom.

- No. Irving.
- Yeah, you know what, I'm, let's, let...

I said I had to go to the restroom.

Jesus. Well, you didn't
have to go and...

I did.

Slam me to the ground.

But, the nice thing is, like, I did
feel vulnerable, but I felt like,

you know, you guys had
my back, basically.

You weren't gonna let me get raped.

Except Jeff. Jeff would
have let me get raped.

No, I gotta go.
Fuck this. Fuck this.

I'm talking to too many,
too many weirdoes.

The first day got
a little bit dark,

so we retooled the ad,
made it a little bit softer,

and the next day we met Javier.

Who was just a guy in a new town,
and just looking to meet new people.

And that poor guy stayed,

and was nice enough to
sign a release at the end.

Javier?

Yes, it's me.

Hi, how are you? Gloria,
it's so nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

- How was your drive?
- It was fine.

Good, good. The traffic died down?

Yes, nice and light, thank God.

Good, good. Yeah.

Well, let me, here, let
me see your energy.

Okay.

Now breathe into
your chest with me.

Oh, good. Okay, now breathe
into your stomach.

Oh, good, good, that's nice, okay.

Now breathe into your
Johnson with me.

Okay, that's interesting.

I've never been asked to
do that third one before.

- Yeah, it's... It helps with your energy.
- Gloria!

- Irving?
- Hey, Gloria.

How are you, what are you doing?
What are you doing here tonight?

- How are you, sweetheart?
- Hi, Gloria, nice to meet you, I'm Billy.

- Billy, nice to meet you.
- It's my grandson.

This is my new friend, Javier.

- Javier? Hey, man, como estas?
- Hi.

- How are you doing? Yes.
- Good, good. How are you?

- Hey, let me in, Javier.
- Yeah, sure.

Oh, no. We're... I apologize.

Where's the waitress?
I need a coffee.

You need a coffee?
You look really stoned.

- Irving, maybe...
- No, I'm okay.

Ma'am, can I get some cream?

- Certainly!
- Can I get some cream?

Oh, you know what?

I'm sorry, there's
some cream right here.

No, no, no, no, you
don't want this cream.

You don't want this cream.

That has a lot of chemicals in it.

I want you to have my milk.

Okay.

Oh, dear Lord.

I have a gift.

The Lord has given me this gift,
since I was a young woman.

It's amazing, I've never had children,
but I still lactate to this day,

and I don't know how and why.

- Here, try that.
- Did that just happen?

You smell.

- Good, it has a lot of protein.
- It smells okay.

- Doesn't smell bad, right?
- No, it's okay.

Let me tell you something.
Here, scoot over.

- What? All right.
- I just need to sit closer to Javier.

Scoot, scoot over, Julio.

Can I get a little more cream?

- Oh, sure. 'Cause I know...
- But not in my coffee.

Javier likes it when I
show him my mother's milk.

Right here.

Oh, sure.

Oh, pen is... You look...

- Javier, do you want some?
- No, it's okay.

- Do you want some?
- I'm okay.

Does that turn you on when I
do that? Look at me in the eye.

- Make eye contact. I like that.
- No.

He's making eye contact
with me, Irving.

Okay.

Okay, can I go to the
restroom, please?

- Thank you.
- Talk about a cockblock.

- Javier, I apologize, okay.
- I'll be right back.

It's all right, I'll be right back.

No, I think he's gonna
run for the border.

He jumped out of the bathroom
window and ran away.

Luckily, Guch caught him,
and then he signed.

Did he take off out the
backdoor or something?

Maybe he did.

- Yeah, he's out of here.
- He's gone?

Spike and I have a
ball when we shoot,

but he also enjoys pushing my
buttons a little when we shoot.

Oh, boy.

She's a feisty one today.

- I can see.
- Oh, boy.

- That was tongue in my ear.
- Look at me, don't look at her.

- Look at me.
- You're getting a little feisty, baby.

Look in my eyes.

You're so pretty.

Oh, boy.

I had to make out with
Spike, that was terrible.

He really lingers
when you're kissing.

He's not like a get-it-over and...

No, he lingers after he kisses.

Terrible.

As soon as I realized that

Knoxville was getting uncomfortable
when I'd try and kiss him,

then I, of course, couldn't stop.

I was like, every chance I could,
I'd try and make out with him.

You ever... No!

What, why are you so nervous?
Why, why are you so nervous?

Cut!

- Let me see what you've got down there.
- No! Stop, stop, stop.

- Stop, stop!
- What's wrong, PJ?

PJ? You dropped character.

Come here, son. Pull
your pants down.

No! Oh, no! God!

Come here.

- Please stop, please stop.
- Get your clothes off.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, you're getting
me all hot and bothered.

You can't just turn me
on like that and let me,

make me go home empty-handed.

Okay, I'm done.

Hey, sir, could you help me get these
beers to my car? I'm so sorry.

Yes, sir. Not a
problem, not a problem.

How are you doing today?

I'm doing good. How about you?

I'm, well, I've been better.

You know, my wife
just died recently.

So working myself through it.

Honey, I am so sorry,

I apologize.

Is it a dead person in your trunk?

It's my wife, Ellie.

Ernest!

I'm going to get my grandson
now. God bless you.

Irving, Irving, wait!
Wait, what are you doing?

Like, what the hell is
wrong with y'all people?

Where is he?

Please, you have eyebrows
glued on you and everything,

like, what is wrong with y'all?

What do you mean?

He's riding around with a
dead person in the trunk.

That's his wife.

Why is he riding around with
a dead person in the trunk?

Because she died.

Okay, why has she not been buried?

Because he had an issue
at the funeral home,

and he's gonna bury her himself.

But we're going to
Florida right now,

we're going to the
Florida Keys together.

We're, we're lovers.

Y'all are lovers.

Yeah.

- Well, he just left. I called the police.
- Is he on his way back to pick me up?

- No, he gonna get in trouble.
- But is he coming back to pick me up?

No, he is not coming back. I told
him I was calling the police.

Actually, you know what,
maybe don't call the police.

Yeah, I'm calling the police.

Maybe if you don't call the police.

Yeah, I'm calling.

What if, what if you just
stopped calling the police?

Yes, I need police to
Giant Penny on The Plaza.

No, you're being silly.

And then this lady that's
talking in my background...

We should call it. She's
getting too worked up.

Okay.

Can somebody come over?

Can I tell you something, ma'am?

- It's okay, lady. It's all pad of a TV show.
- We're making a movie.

We're making a movie.

Ma'am, I'm so sorry. I'm not
even a woman. I'm a man.

I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.
You were so nice.

Okay, okay.

- What's your name?
- Robin.

- I'm Spike. So nice to meet you.
- Spike.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Nice to meet you, too.

She was too nice.

So that we have a tantric
sex lady coming at...

At 2:00?

Yeah, you know what
tantric sex is, right?

Yeah, it's where you fuck
with a lot of eye contact.

Of course. I read about it
in a pamphlet in my church.

Yeah, the sex therapy,
I think it was Spike's idea,

he wanted to get these, like,
spiritual healers to help him,

finally break through so Irving
can have sex with him, her.

Yeah, does any of this
newfangled voodooinsky,

is it gonna loosen her up
in the old bunglestein?

- This might heal you a little bit.
- A little of the pink.

How's that feel?

It feels like you're rubbing
a rock on my face. Stop it.

I'm gonna just put it over here.
This feels nice here.

Well, I kind of need it
here for the reading.

Okay.

But you can hold it until
we get to that point.

Okay.

- And I put it there because it is for love.
- Yeah.

So, see, we already found
some stuff you can do.

Go up to The Portal,
get some rose quartz.

The Porthole?

The Portal.

Where you can get these rocks.

Can I see this one again?
This one's...

Not if you put it in your crotch!
It cannot go in your crotch.

- Why?
- It could fit in there.

- Because it's my rock.
- You use this in your crotch?

No, I do not, and I don't want
you using it on your crotch.

She uses that one.

I don't use any of
these on my crotch...

But you can, they can
be used on your crotch.

No, these are for healing.
No, you would never do that.

You would buy a vibrator, you
wouldn't use one of these.

- These would not be comfortable.
- Where do we get a vibrator?

At The Porthole?

Okay, why are you saying that?
It's The Portal.

- What is it called?
- P-O-R-T-A-L.

It has nothing to do with a hole.

You can think of this as you.

This would be your head,
this would be your body.

There's your poontang, right there.

The magician.

No, my "flower" is
what I like to call it.

She magicianed you.
Make my schmeckle disappear.

She would, she doesn't like your
term, she prefers the term "flower."

- Okay.
- Make him say that. Make him say it.

I heard you say you don't
like the term "poontang."

- And I agree with her.
- And, okay, okay, you prefer "flower."

I would like to eat
your flower, honey.

Okay, we'll work on that,
we'll work on that.

Irving! Tell him how
to say that nicer.

Okay, I would relish the chance...

I would like to put relish
on your flower, honey.

Okay, that's close enough,
'cause he wants to eat it up.

I don't want relish on my flower.

No, no. I said he would
relish, as in really enjoy.

Oh, boy.

Relish, as in really
enjoy the opportunity.

- Yes.
- Won't that sting? It's very spicy.

Okay, no, no, no, no, we're not
putting relish on you anywhere.

And your ultimate outcome card,

if you can learn to use
your words differently.

Right.

- And to not be aggressively grabbing.
- This is the best pad.

This is the best pad.

Everything's gonna work for you.

I get anal.

- That's what she said. Yes.
- That's just what she said?

I'm not saying...

- Not you, the cards.
- ...and the cards are not saying...

They're not saying that you
should have anal, okay?

- What are, what...
- That's, they're saying that

you're gonna have a
better relationship.

That you're gonna be happier,

- and he's gonna be happier.
- And, they're implying anal.

I think what they're
suggesting is that if you...

- Oh, I'm sorry, they're suggesting anal.
- If you are willing...

Yeah, I can never say do
this or don't do that.

And if you tell him that you
don't like it, he will stop.

- But if you like it...
- And then you try it again another time.

- And if you like it...
- It's...

We met the lady with the
crystals, who was very funny.

And then we struck gold
with the card reader.

We've just come in recent
contact with each other again,

and he would like to take our
relationship further, but, myself,

I want to get him fixed
before we do that,

because I don't want him bringing
his negative juju into my energy,

my sexual energy field.

You want to fix him?

So I can knuckle up on her pilaf
and slip her the old butterfinger.

Well, whatever, you know...

Very lewd, he can
be a very lewd man.

Well, he's a man.

That's the way men are.

Tell her what you said
you wanted last night.

I told you that your pubic dandruff is
not doing my schmeckleheimer no favors.

- That's what I told you.
- That's what he said.

Well, are you a Jewish gentleman?

Well, I wasn't,
I was an accountant.

So I changed my name to Zisman to
drum up more business, you know?

- It just smelled like money.
- Oh.

Oh, so you do have a
little Jewish in you.

I'm trying to put a
little Jewish in her.

Okay, you'd like for
her to get nasty.

You'd like for her to get
nasty, wouldn't you?

- I would love for her to get nasty.
- What does that mean?

He wants to

show you physically,
in the words...

Throw it in your pickle schmear.

What is a pickle schmear?

That's just, that's just his lingo.

Oh, okay.

It means the backdoor.

Oh, okay.

Now, I don't know where you're go...
I don't know why you need to go there.

- Where?
- To the backdoor.

So, when I got up to
go to the bathroom,

the card reader had a real
quiet talk with Spike,

trying to determine if
he was a transvestite.

You have a very feminine
side, and you have a very...

You can do things
that men can do, too.

Really, like what?

Basically, what she
implied was, was I a man?

And Gloria's very
sensitive about that.

Gloria doesn't want
to be, like, Gloria...

Gloria's very proud
of her femininity

and even if she has certain
traits that are very masculine,

- I think that's not...
- Like her dick?

Like her dick.

He has a... He talks about big butts a lot
and I'm gonna try and be light about that

but it certainly
upsets me sometimes.

I'm tired of magazines saying
flat butts are the thing.

You know, you can do side bends or
sit-ups, but just don't lose that butt.

Well, some people
just don't have one,

so, you know, that doesn't mean
that we can't love them anyway.

My anaconda don't want none
unless you got buns, hon.

He's...

What'd you say to me last night?

I said, "Ladies."

Yeah.

- "Ladies."
- Yeah.

- "If you wanna roll in my Mercedes..."
- Yeah.

"You turn around..."

- "And stick it out..."
- Yeah.

"And even white boys gotta
shout, 'Baby's got back."'

That just seems offensive
to me, though.

You know...

Ezra? No.

- Irving.
- Irving, Irving.

Ezra Pound.

- You wanna bring out her softness.
- Yeah.

Well, you have to appeal
to that softness.

Yes.

- And then you'll get what you want.
- Yes.

You don't get it with
piss and vinegar.

I'm not into watersports.

No, no, no. You sound, you know,
your gruff, your approach sounds...

I need to be more smooth.

Exactly.

I think you fixed him.

I think you cured him and
I think if you want me to,

and only if you want me to,
I will open up my backdoor.

Well, if you feel comfortable
with that, then go for it.

I'm scared, though.

- Enjoy the ride.
- Okay.

Oh, this is a nice hat.

Suck a dick!

Gross.

Is this movie in 3-D?

I gotta wax my bunghole?

- Are you done?
- Not yet.

Film him. That's our pile director,
hung-over every morning. Trashed.

It's not a hangover anymore.
Now it's just the morning.

It's just the morning?

Cremation sounds
actually good for her.

You get a little spark around
that dried-out old crotch of hers

and it'll go up like
a fireworks stand.

What'd I say?

You okay, Javier?
Oh, he's laying a deuce.

Javier's laying a deuce.

No, Karen, she's doing it.

So, I ain't no pimp, but I know
how to seal some poontang.

I need some poontang.

You want black, white or Asian?

All of the above.

I don't know what time
it is. Do you have a...

It's hammer time.

Do you know what time it is?

- I said it's hammer time.
- Okay, do you have a clock?

- Grandpa!
- What?

Oh, let me put these back in.

Let me put my nuts in my
butt, one second, all right.

Nice to meet you.

Are you 21?

- Yes. He's, he wants to go in the casino.
- Yes, I am, sir.

You been smoking those
left-handed cigarettes, Javier?

No, no, I haven't. No, I haven't.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

There's types of the...

- Smashy-smashy!
- Oh!

He's coming close.

Child abuse!

His Kryptonite is tickling.

- You okay?
- You all right?

- What happened?
- Fuck you.

So, Amanda is terrified of spiders and,
thank goodness, I just found a spider.

I mean, this is a big old mama.

Spider! Spider!

Amanda, look at the spider.

Amanda, look at the spider.
Look at the spider.

Irving is gonna walk around the
corner and enter the building.

And Chad here is helping
me stay dry from the rain.

Am I gonna be on TV with this?

No, it's a movie. It's a...

That's even worse!

Hey, stick with me, honey,
you'll be falling through silk.

Fading through silk.

Oh, my God!

- I have something to tell you.
- Y'all don't do that crap.

My name's not Gloria.

My name's Roger.

Whose D do I gotta S to get
another drink around here?

Cordell, Cordell, Cordell.

Hi, Santa!

Sorry about that, Santy Claus.

Lindsey, where's Lee?

He's working.

Oh, you fucker.

Where's Lee going later?

It's really gross.

Hey, Derek?

That feels good, too.

I'm sure.

- Lick that dome good. Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah!

Oh, my God!

Oh, dude.

Yeah, do you think
maybe too much booby?

Oh, you son of a...

I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.

Oh, Spike, you suck.

- You did great.
- That was insane.

- You did awesome.
- That was agony!

That was mayhem. It was mayhem.

I got a whole lot of nothing!

That's a wrap!

All right!

Let's go fishing!

Yeah!

Then to the bar!

Taking this guy outta the car.

That's fine.

You're not gonna have him.
You're not going anywhere, dude.

- All right.
- You ain't going anywhere.

- All right.
- Promise you that.

- You're not going anywhere.
- Okay. All right.

You're not going anywhere.

There's the cops right now.

What the fuck?