Original subtitles

Goddamn. TOMMY: Hey, gorgeous.

PAM: Hey, lover.

This is so...private.

TOMMY: I love you more.

Nope, not possible.

It's like we're seeing something

we're not supposed to be seeing.

I know.

PAM: Oh, my God.

Look at my fucking husband. Look at my beautiful husband.

Which is kinda what makes it so fucking hot.

PAM: Fuck, I love you so much.

I know.

[Pam laughs]

I mean, if this thing ever got out...

PAM: Tommy....

TOMMY: Yes?

PAM: When are you gonna get me preggo?

TOMMY: I'm tryin'. [Pam laughs]

PAM: Oh, my God, I am one lucky camper.

[indistinct chatter]

I want in.

I know everybody in this business,

all the major distributors.

I can really help you go big with this thing.

You do you want to go big with this thing, right?

Yes, I do.

Bless this videotape

that you've chosen to put into my hand.

May it be

an instrument of justice,

delivering richly-deserved comeuppance

to those who have acted like assholes,

refusing to pay for services rendered,

keeping tools that do not belong to them,

and just, in general,

treating decent people with a total lack of respect.

[relaxing music]

♪ ♪

May you knock these fuckers down a peg,

teaching them a much-deserved lesson in humility.

And may you, in the process, deliver

great financial reward to those they have wronged.

Like a shitload of money.

Namaste.

[LSD's "Rowdy at the Party"]

SINGER: ♪ LSD at the party ♪

♪ We're getting' rowdy ♪

Let's do this.

SINGER: ♪ Here we come again, never stumbling ♪

♪ Watch your mumbling ♪

♪ You broke, crooked MCs, you keep crumbling ♪

♪ Bit by bit, we lyrically fit ♪

♪ Some of the top course moves ♪

♪ That be cooler than cool with it, so I-- ♪

♪ Crown can make you Black ♪

♪ Nigga gonna jump around ♪

♪ So get down, get down ♪

TOMMY: I love you, lover.

God damn it, you rip!

I love you so much. - I mean, you get the gist.

Fuck.

Every dude on the planet

is gonna wanna jack off to this.

Trust me, I can't stop.

What's the matter?

Um, no offense,

but I have to ask the question.

Yeah, of course.

Why you?

Why us?

Why am I not hearing from them directly?

Why are you not hearing from them directly?

Well, that is because, uh, they are not

specifically involved in this venture, per se.

RAND: Per se.

[chuckles]

So it's stolen.

- Stolen? - No.

No?

So you have releases?

No, we don't have releases.

So it's stolen.

No.

Uh, that's just not the word I would use.

No? What would you say?

RAND: It was, uh...

there was a sei--it was seized.

Through a seizure.

I, uh, enacted a seizure,

uh, from its original proprietors

in exchange for, um... compentory damages.

Okay.

Let me ask you something, Ron. - Rand.

When you walked in the building this morning,

did you happen to notice what it says at the tippy top?

Vivid Pictures.

It says Vivid Entertainment.

That's the name of the company. It's right on the sign.

I put that tape out there, Tommy Lee and a clown car

of Century City lawyers can find me

without so much as cracking open a Yellow Pages.

Do you seriously think that I would invite

that kind of shitstorm into my life?

[Shirley Bassey's "Spinning Wheel"]

♪ ♪

So that's a pass?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

You got signed releases?

No.

♪ ♪

SHIRLEY: ♪ What goes up must come down ♪

♪ Spinning wheel, gotta go round ♪

♪ Talking 'bout your troubles ♪

You guys got releases?

SHIRLEY: ♪ It's a crying sin ♪

♪ Ride a painted pony... ♪

Get the fuck out of here.

SHIRLEY: ♪ You got no money, you got no home ♪

♪ Spinning wheel, all alone ♪

EXECUTIVE: I don't care how big his dick is.

I can't show it to anybody without releases.

Fuck off.

But if you do happen to get the releases,

please, do come back here to Naughty Time Films.

[cackles]

No!

Ow!

Fuck! God damn it!

[phone ringing]

Oh, fuck. [answering machine beeps]

ERICA: Hey Rand, it's Erica. Long time no see.

Listen, I'm wondering if you can help--

Hey, hey, how's it going?

ERICA: Hi. You're there.

Yeah, no, uh, sorry.

Just--I just walked through the front door.

ERICA: Is this a bad time? - No.

Um, not at all.

It's, uh--I just got home from a party

in the--in the Hollywood Hills,

um, that was awesome.

And yeah, overall, I just had a long day of,

you know, important meetings about business things.

ERICA: Oh. Okay.

Well, I'm sorry. I'll let you go.

No, you don't--no, it's okay.

Seriously, I'm, you know-- I'm here for you,

even after a long day like, uh,

the one I just described to you.

ERICA: I just had a question.

Feel free to say no.

Uh...whatever you need. Go ahead.

ERICA: Is there any chance you could come over?

[knocking on door]

- Hi. - Hi.

Uh, the building manager sent me about your sink.

Oh, great. Thank you.

Come on in. Come on in.

I'm Erica, by the way.

- October 3rd? - Yes. Why?

You have the same birthday as Alvin Toffler.

I don't...who is that?

- Who's Alvin Toffler? - Yeah.

Only the world's foremost thinker

in the field of futurism.

You're an inventor?

- I am. - That is so cool.

What have you invented?

I'm working on something right now

I'm very excited about.

What is it?

[pop music in background]

♪ ♪

So imagine a microwave.

- Okay. - But for cold.

- Whoa! - I know.

[laughing] I know!

I mean, we have countless devices

to make things hot in seconds--

- But not cold! - Until right now.

Yeah. - Shit, man, that's genius.

Thank you, yeah. I mean, ice cubes, gazpacho.

I mean, the applications are virtually limitless.

Can I see it?

No.

It's not, you know--it's still in its, like, conceptual phase.

But that's the hard part, you know.

Having the vision for these things.

Then you just get some science nerd

to actually execute it, but that's easy.

Huh.

Oh, thank you.

Mm-hmm.

- So, um, what about you? - Me?

Yeah, what's, uh-- what's your thing?

Oh, I'm--I'm an actress.

[snickers]

Really?

Um, sort of.

Sort of?

I mean, I wanna be an actress.

Well, do you act in things?

Mm...

I mean, the kind of acting I do isn't, like...

real acting.

All acting is real acting.

It's kind of adult.

Like porn?

Yes.

♪ ♪

That is awesome.

[laughs]

I'm a little starstruck right now.

[both laugh] I don't know what to say.

[knocking on door]

Oh, thank you so much.

No problem.

All right, come on in.

Oh, there's your problem.

Your flow cup valve is not sealing.

It is so nice to have a man around the house.

I thought lesbians were supposed to be handy.

- I'm bi. - "Bi" then.

What does she have that I don't have?

Don't even touch that. [both laugh]

Um, so can you fix it?

[sighs]

You see this crack? - Yes.

RAND: That is why it's overflowing.

It's supposed to seal,

and that's what triggers the fill to stop.

So I need to get a new one?

RAND: Unfortunately, yes.

Except they don't make these anymore.

The new toilets, they don't use this style.

Oh, shit.

Luckily, you know, I do have my sources,

so I could do a little digging for you.

Yeah? RAND: Yeah.

You know, I'm pretty busy right now.

I got a lot of things going on, but I'll make some time.

You really-- you wouldn't mind?

For you?

No.

Thank you. Thank you so much, Rand.

Thank you so much.

[anxious music]

♪ ♪

Hi, I'm looking for a float cup valve.

The old plunger type, - a Bemis 46 - D or--

- What is it? - What do you call it?

RAND: A float cup valve. - No.

Yeah, I'm looking for the old plunger type, actually,

like a Bemis 46D.

We haven't had those for years.

Do you know anybody who might have that?

No.

♪ ♪

Yeah, I'm looking for, uh, the old plunger type

of float cup valve like a Bemis 46D.

It's an old float cup valve for--for a toilet.

Do you have any old float cup valves?

ERICA: [moaning] Oh. Oh.

Oh, deputy.

You've been a bad little wench.

[thoughtful music]

♪ ♪

[computer dialing]

[dial-up modem beeping]

♪ ♪

Yeah, do you guys carry those old float cup valves?

CLERK: Like with the flip hinge?

RAND: Uh-huh.

CLERK: Yeah, we got that.

- Really? - Yeah.

I think we got a couple left if you want me to hold some

behind the register for you.

Oh, actually, um, I'm in California.

CLERK: California?

Yeah, I found you guys on the web.

CLERK: Wow.

You're the third one today.

Really? CLERK: Yeah.

You will not believe how much business we got from that.

Really? CLERK: Oh, yeah.

It's my boss' idea. Kind of a technology geek.

Yeah, me too.

I've been on the web for over a year now.

It's amazing what you can find on there.

Ah, uh-huh.

Anyway, if I give you my, uh, credit card number,

will you mail me the part?

CLERK: Cool. Shoot.

Great. Um, so it's a Discover card.

The number's, um...

CLERK: Hello?

I'm gonna call you back.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

MILTIE: I'm not sure. RAND: Looks good.

Excuse me. I got it.

A what--a what site?

A website.

It's this thing on the computer.

People will go to it.

They will order the tape directly from us.

Okay, and how does somebody find this?

They will find it on a search engine

like Yahoo or AltaVista.

Mm-hmm.

And how...

but how...

but how do they know to search for the tape

if they don't even know it exists?

They don't have to know.

And that is the beauty of the web.

It's like this, man. It's like this.

You're on your computer,

and you go on the search engine,

and you just type what you want to see.

Okay? "Pam Anderson.

"Tits.

Pam Anderson's tits," and up we pop.

Hmm.

I don't get it.

You don't have to get it.

I get it, and so do 30 million other people.

30 million?

That's how many are on the web worldwide right now,

and we can reach every single one of them.

MILTIE: How-how-how are you gonna--

that's gonna cost a fortune.

It is free.

The World Wide Web is free.

We still need money, though. RAND: Yeah.

- Manufacturing, shipping. - Mm-hmm. We do.

We need an investor, but that's just any asshole

with deep pockets.

I know people like that.

[spiritual music]

♪ ♪

Thus we ask unto the universe...

In our insignificance...

to bless us with the body and soul of a child.

In Jati, the physical birth.

In Jati, the physical birth,

so that we may take part in Samsara,

the great cycle of life.

[both sigh]

[groans]

I don't--

I'm doing something wrong.

Babe, you are not doing anything wrong.

We just started.

[groans]

And ain't it fun trying?

[laughing]

Hey, come on. - [giggling]

Hey, come on, fertility gods!

I summon you to my dick!

[laughing]

Oh, baby. Baby, baby, baby. I can't right now. I can't.

It's my big monologue.

That's right.

It's tomorrow.

So spare me that BS about you not hurting

anybody but yourself, because you know what?

I'm not buying it.

And neither is your daughter.

You think she's too young to know what's going on?

You think you're hiding it from her?

Well, let me tell you.

She may not see that-- that junk going up your nose,

but she can feel it.

She can feel it every time you hold her

and you're someplace else,

every time you're not there to tuck her in at night

because you're out partying at some dance club,

and you know what?

Unlike the harm those drugs do to your body,

the harm they do to that little girl will last

the rest of her life.

So don't tell me you're only hurting yourself.

Because if you believe that,

you're even higher than I thought.

Now hand over the bag.

Holy fuck.

You know, was--I don't-- Was that okay?

Okay?

That was incredible.

Really?

Oh, my God.

I was scared.

[laughing] Oh, my God.

You know, I--I've been rehearsing the shit out of it.

It's the first time I've been given

more than two lines in a row this season.

I am so proud of you.

They're not even gonna know what hit 'em!

[laughs]

I should get to bed. Oh, no, no, no.

It's not even 8:00.

- I know, I know, I know. - Come on.

But, you know, I wanna be rested and fresh.

Baby.

Yeah, but the camera's gonna finally be

on my face for a change.

[laughs]

Good night.

[alarm clock beeping]

[calm music]

♪ ♪

Oh, Mommy loves you, baby.

Oh, I know. I know you're hungry.

I know. Sorry, baby.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Thanks, Hector.

RADIO DJ: ...keeping the party going

with another 30 minutes of commercial-free music

right here on LA's home of the hits, 102.7 FM.

Feel a little nervous.

MAKEUP ARTIST: Don't be nervous.

You look great. - You're gonna be fine.

- You think? - Yeah.

It's gonna be really good. - Yeah, it's fine.

MAKEUP ARTIST: Need a little dab, you.

ARTIST 2: Yeah. ARTIST 3: Do we just blot it?

[The Cardigans' "Lovefool" playing]

Oh, my God, this song is so good.

Turn it up! [laughter]

Thank you!

♪ Just stick to another man ♪

♪ A man that surely deserves me ♪

♪ But I think you do ♪

[all giggling]

ALL: ♪ So I cry and I pray and I beg ♪

♪ Love me, love me ♪

♪ Say that you love me ♪ [laughter]

♪ Fool me, fool me ♪

♪ Go on and fool me ♪

STAGEHAND: New script, Miss Anderson.

ALL: ♪ Love me, love me ♪

♪ Pretend that you love me ♪ - Thanks.

SINGER: ♪ Leave me, leave me ♪

♪ Just say that you need me ♪

Yes! [laughter]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ And I pray for you to ♪

JIMMY: It's-- SCOTT: Shakespeare.

JIMMY: Yeah. SCOTT: Okay, Shakespeare.

Like, I think it really lends an element--

Hey, guys. ALL: Hey.

Pamela, did you get the new pages?

I did. Yes, that's actually--

that's actually what I want to talk to you about.

- Oh, what's up? - My monologue.

It's cut?

Yeah. [laughs]

Yeah, now it's just me, you know,

running into the water and fishing out a bag of drugs.

Yeah.

We just felt it was more powerful that way.

Yeah, it's so kinetic.

You know, you're running, you're charging into the water.

Yes. [chuckles]

Yeah, but the whole-- the whole point was,

you know, that,

when I talk to her about this stuff, that's--

that's the moment she finally realizes

the consequences of her actions--

We just thought it was stronger.

Wordless.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, sure.

You're such a pro.

Yeah.

Yeah, 'cause if we, uh-- I think if we moved that...

I am so over it.

You're almost done.

It's your last season.

- Maybe. - Pammy, definitely.

Listen, the second that Barb Wire comes out--

Yeah, well, it has to be a hit.

Of course it's gonna be a hit.

When have you ever failed at anything your entire life?

[sighs]

[drums playing]

♪ ♪

[tempo increasing]

♪ ♪

[smashing drums]

ANNOUNCER: 100% organic, and no artificial--

It's not. My goodness, wait.

[studio laughter]

ANNOUNCER: Moving back, and out goes--

PERSON: Baby, college, retirement--

ANNOUNCER: Automotive's got all the hottest SUVs you--

TV ANNOUNCER: Motley Crue ruled

the rock and roll airwaves in the 1980s.

With a string of platinum selling albums,

the LA bad boys were the undisputed kings of rock.

But with a new decade, a new rock sound came

roaring out of Seattle.

Led by Nirvana's "Nevermind,"

grunge swept the spandex and hairspray

off of the Sunset Strip and off of the sales charts.

By 1994, Motley Crue had hit rock bottom

with their self-titled album--

[somber piano music]

♪ ♪

[exhales]

Yeah!

- [laughing] - You're home. Come here!

PAM: My baby!

Come on!

[both moaning]

Are you hungry?

[moans] Starved.

[both laugh]

- Yeah! - [laughing]

[both shrieking]

TOMMY: Okay, you ready? PAM: Yes!

Close your eyes, close your eyes.

[drum roll] PAM: Wait, can I open my eyes?

One, two, three!

Kalos irthate.

Baby.

[laughs] Welcome!

PAM: God! - Babe, come here.

[with Greek accent] I have prepared for you

the traditional cuisine of my people.

When did you do this?

This is dolmades, stuffed grape leaves.

Hold on, and...

Oh, my God!

Spanakopita! Whoo!

Which is like spinach pie.

Melitzanosalata, an eggplant dip.

And the crown jewel.

[screams]

Careful, baby.

The moussaka. [both laugh]

What is it?

I'm ain't even gonna say,

but that shit's straight up craze!

Let me try it, let me try it.

Oh, my God. - Right?

Oh, my God!

[singing in Greek]

[laughs]

Melina Mercouri.

My mom played her constantly.

What's her name, your mom?

Vassiliki, but everyone called her Voula.

[sighing] Voula.

Is your dad Greek too?

[with Minnesotan accent] Minnesotan.

What? TOMMY: Mm-hmm.

He's from Minnesota?

Yup. PAM: Oh, my God.

They met when he was overseas in the military.

You're full of surprises. [laughs]

And what's your dad's name?

David.

David Oliver Bass.

Not Lee?

Lee's my middle name.

Huh. Really?

Thomas Lee Bass. That's my birth name.

[laughing] I had no idea.

So...

[drum roll]

How was your day?

What?

[sighs, laughs]

They cut my monologue.

- What? - Yes.

They said it was, um--they said it was stronger wordless.

- Wait. - God.

Anyway, it's not a big deal. It's not a big deal.

It happens all the time.

This is so good. Should we eat?

- That was your big scene. - I know.

You practiced the shit out of it.

You were so fucking psyched for it.

- I know! - Fuck!

Sorry.

I just--I don't know.

You're doing it.

- I-- - No. Come on.

[laughing] Baby.

Fuck that.

You're doing it.

You're about to be the biggest movie star in the world.

You go in there tomorrow and you tell them

you're doing that scene or you fucking walk.

God, I wish I could be more like you.

[laughing]

Everything's so clear.

You can be.

You just have to decide to see shit that way.

I love you.

I love you more.

Mm-mm, not possible.

RAND: Who is this guy again?

Butchie Peraino.

He produced Deep Throat. Bankrolled it entirely.

Deep Throat?

Wow.

Please be cool.

Let us carpe that diem.

[Experience Unlimited's "It's All Imagination]

[funky '70s music]

♪ ♪

Uh, maybe don't talk during this one.

But what if I have something to say?

Say it to yourself.

In your mind.

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ Watching funny color ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You're gonna want to see ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Knowing if you were me, yeah, yeah ♪

Hello there, Butchie.

Call me Mr. Peraino.

MILTIE: Oh.

I'm really sorry.

[clears throat]

Barone's.

This is the last place I saw my kids.

So what can I do for you guys?

MILTIE: Thank you.

[clears throat] Thank you.

Well, we ha--have recently come into possession

of, uh, a piece of material--

Spit it out. I'm a busy guy.

You know what I mean? MILTIE: Okay, sure, sure.

This is, uh, something we feel has huge commercial potential,

something that just happens to fall within your wheelhouse.

It is a highly salacious,

highly explicit home video in which...

Two very famous people fuck each other's lights out.

Yeah, okay.

Uh, not interested.

What?

Don't you want to know who the famous people are?

I mean, if you're so excited about it, just fucking tell me.

Who are they?

It's Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson.

- The Baywatch? - Yeah, the Baywatch.

- Yeah, man. - Fucking, sucking.

You see everything.

There's a boat.

Still not interested.

You gotta understand.

Things around for years.

The Stallone stag flick,

uh, Brando sucking off a guy, Rob Lowe.

I even heard about a Peggy Lee one.

You don't make shit off these things.

Put it in a theater, cops are there same day.

Put it in an adult bookstore,

oh, you get raided, more cops, lawyers,

you get sued into the ground, you don't make dime one.

Guys, nobody is ever getting rich

off a celebrity sex tape, okay?

That's it.

MILTIE: Okay.

Well, I believe that is a pass.

Wait, um, what if we sold it

somewhere that nobody could ever find us?

Have you heard of the World Wide Web?

The computer thing.

Yeah, exactly.

Uh, it's a perfect black market.

You can sell anything on there.

Nunchucks, anthrax, a sex tape.

No one can find you.

How's that possible?

So you know when you see an ad for something on TV

and you send a check to who knows where,

and then you get the thing in the mail.

That's what the internet is like,

except it has total anonymity. It's untraceable.

There is no place for cops and lawyers to go to.

My name wouldn't be attached in any way?

Your name, my name, nobody's name.

[Butchie sighs]

How much you guys looking for?

50 grand?

- Okay. - [snorts]

- Yeah? - With certain terms.

Those being...

On a 50k loan, it's a 10% vig

due in 30 days, compounded weekly thereafter.

But more importantly than that,

on your little tape here,

I get 15%

of the gross off the top,

and I will not negotiate.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Could you just give us a moment please?

You said he's a movie producer.

You didn't say he's a fucking mafia loan shark.

What do you think a producer is?

They loan money.

If something goes wrong, I don't want to end up

in the LA River, man.

Nobody's getting dumped in the LA River.

Besides, if anybody does, it's gonna be me.

- Why is it gonna be you? - Because I'm the money guy.

- You are? - I'm finance.

You're operations.

Shipping, inventory. - When did we decide that?

You think you should be in charge of the money?

I'm the one who knows from cash flow and balance sheets.

Would you like to be the point person

with Butchie Peraino?

Didn't think so.

You just worry about getting the tapes out.

All right? Leave the rest up to me.

[tense music]

Hey!

You got yourself a deal.

♪ ♪

Have Stu punch in a drop.

Stu, can you punch in a drop?

That's great.

A drop more wedgie, please, Katie?

Ah, too much. They'll flag it.

A little less ass cheek.

Perfect.

Action.

Cut. AD: Cut. Cut.

Let's get one more for safety.

Get one more. Back to one, everybody.

CREW 1: All right, we cut?

CREW 2: Back to one.

CREW MEMBERS: Back around.

Get another one. Back to one.

Hey, guys.

Hey. - Hey, Pammy, what's up?

Um, well, I know after the shot,

we're doing a company move,

but you know what, before we move, I just--

ooh, I just really want to quick get

that monologue from yesterday.

You know the one?

I think we'll really like having it as an option in post.

Well, even if I want it, the actress isn't here today.

No, it's no problem.

You know, you can just shoot my side and you can--

you can cheat hers with the close-up

from the arrest scene.

Yeah.

You know, if you shoot me from the left,

the sight line will match up perfectly.

The camera's all set up. I'm in the same wardrobe.

Always am.

And, you know, I got the whole thing memorized.

I can nail it in two takes.

I'll be in my trailer. You can just--

you can just call me when you're ready.

AIRPORT INTERCOM: Attention all passengers,

flight 1152 to Montreal...

[Dusty Springfield's "What's It Gonna Be"]

[upbeat '60s music]

♪ ♪

DUSTY: ♪ What's it gonna be? ♪

♪ Please tell me ♪

♪ Is it really me? ♪

♪ Please tell me ♪

♪ Are you out for fun? ♪

♪ Only lovin' on the run ♪

♪ And leave me cryin' ♪

♪ Ahh, cryin' ♪

♪ What's it gonna be? ♪

♪ Tomorrow ♪

♪ Will he set me free? ♪

♪ Tomorrow ♪

♪ Gotta know for sure ♪

♪ A broken heart don't have a cure ♪

♪ It just keeps hurtin', ahh, hurtin' ♪

♪ And when I'm hurtin' ♪

♪ I can't stop hurtin' ♪

♪ I want a love that's here to stay ♪

♪ Baby, please ♪

♪ The kind of love that I can count on everyday ♪

♪ Ah, I got a hold on me ♪

♪ You know it ♪

♪ What's it gonna be? ♪

♪ You know it ♪

♪ Want a love that's so ♪

♪ But I'll just turn around and go ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't take it ♪

♪ I can't take it ♪

RAND: Hey, heard you have a lot of VCRs.

I have a wall full of 'em in the dry cleaner's.

Great.

DUSTY: ♪ I want a love that's here to stay ♪

♪ Baby, believe me ♪

♪ The kind of love that I can count on every day ♪

♪ ♪

[thumping on door]

Hello, Danielle. Is Erica home?

DANIELLE: Uh...

ERICA: Who is it?

DANIELLE: It's Rand.

Kind of.

ERICA: Rand?

Rand, what are you doing?

Erica, I have a question for you.

What?

Will you...

Jesus, Rand. DANIELLE: Oh, shit.

Do me the honor, please...

What the fuck are you doing? I don't know--

Of making me the happiest...

Plumber in the 818 area code?

[laughs] Oh, God.

- I gotcha. - You found it.

Of course I found it. I found it.

I scared the shit out of you. - Thanks, Rand, yeah.

- That was a good one, huh? - It was funny.

I'm not crazy. I don't need to ask you

to marry me, also, 'cause we're already married.

Well, yeah, just 'cause you need to pay

the 5 grand to get a divorce.

It's 8 grand, so ha-ha.

And also, just 'cause we're not together

doesn't mean we can't go out to dinner.

- Well... - Dinner?

I want to take you out to dinner as a thank-you.

As a thank-you for what?

For your toilet overflowing.

It actually sent me on the righteous path

that I'm currently walking.

And what path is that?

Well, I could tell you,

and I would love to,

um, but right after I do, I would I have to kill her,

'cause I don't trust her with this information.

Highly sensitive.

No one will miss her, though. I'm cool with it.

Honestly, what do you say?

- Sure. - [chuckles]

[Lloyd Price's "Right Kind of Girl"]

['50s doo-wop music]

LLOYD: ♪ You're just the right kind of girl ♪

♪ To make me fall in love ♪

♪ You've got the right kind of kiss ♪

♪ And the right kind of hug ♪

♪ You've got the right kind of walk ♪

♪ You've got the right kind of talk ♪

♪ You're just the right kind of girl ♪

♪ That I ever want ♪

RAND: Thank you so much.

[refined piano music in background]

Is this really your treat?

The world is your oyster, madame.

Huh.

So are you gonna tell me what this is about?

RAND: My glorious path?

No. - No?

I'm dying to, but it just wouldn't be wise to.

What I'll say is,

I'm finally fulfilling my promise.

[laughs]

This isn't the microwave but for cold?

[chuckles]

I forgot about that.

That was gonna be the big one.

- Well, this is the big one. - Hmm.

My time has come, Erica.

All the--you know, the false starts

and the dead ends,

it's been leading up to this.

Are you gonna just keep talking about this

until I ask you what it is again?

Is that the game here?

Huh. All right.

Won't bring it up again. Gonna drop it.

But just--

in the celebrity chicken section,

there will be a Chicken Rand Gauthier, just know that.

Maybe a shrimp dish.

[chuckles]

You know what, though? - Hmm.

I'm feeling very secure in my masculinity.

I think more than I ever have.

It's like I'm coming into my own.

But honestly, don't a-- I can't--

No, don't--don't-- uh-uh-uh.

[blows raspberry] I'm not gonna ask you.

RAND: Good. - I'm not gonna ask.

Not gonna ask. - 'Cause I won't tell you.

I know you won't. RAND: It's a moot point.

ERICA: Moot point. - Just know...

ERICA: I do. - Okay.

But I do want to say that whatever it is

that's got you feeling this way,

I am so...happy to see it.

Get used to him.

That was nice.

[Erica and actor moaning]

Sheriff!

[both moaning]

MILTIE: Cut. [claps]

Fucking great.

Moving on.

[grunts]

Oh, my gosh. [laughs]

RAND: Hey. - Hi.

Did I do okay?

- Okay? - Yeah.

That was incredible.

- Really? - Yeah.

Okay, so it turns out that our brave sheriff

has a bartending gig at Barone's

he can't get out of.

So we'll have another character,

the sheriff's deputy, come in for the anal.

Who's doing it?

Leon.

[laughs]

Hmm, no.

No way that thing's going in my ass.

MILTIE: Okay.

He's the best I could do on short notice.

I don't have a lot of small penises in my Rolodex.

What?

[Erica moaning softly]

Stop smiling. It's a fucking dungeon.

[pensive music]

♪ ♪

[footsteps approaching]

GAIL: Pamela.

Hey! GAIL: Gail.

Oh, hey. How's it going?

So nice to meet you. Come with me.

You too. Thank you so much.

God, I'm so excited.

Not half as excited as the studio.

It's their number one priority for spring.

Wow, that's great.

Normally they have me on three, four at a time,

but for the next few months, I am 24/7 Barb Wire.

[laughing] That's amazing.

So what's the plan?

GAIL: The plan?

The plan is,

all-out media blitz.

TV, print, radio, cover stories, morning shows,

the whole schmear. - [gasps]

Do you want some water, something to drink?

This is amazing. Yes, thank you.

GAIL: Have a seat. - God.

Whew, I'm nervous.

GAIL: Oh, please, don't be.

Here you go. - Thank you so much.

So...

every time I have a kickoff meeting with someone,

I like to start by talking story.

Story?

As in, what is the story

you want to tell?

I...

Every good PR campaign has a core central narrative.

- Right. - Redemption. Resurrection.

Reinvention, self-reflection, survival...love?

[giggling] That's a lot of stories.

When you look at other people's careers,

who do you look to?

Oh, you mean, who do I admire?

Who are your role models?

Who do you aspire to take after?

Oh. Yeah, that's a good question.

Um, I guess I would have to say...

[sighs] Jane Fonda.

Tell me.

Well, you know...

Well, when she first started out,

she was just this girl next door,

and, um, you know, then-- then she did Barbarella,

and she became this huge sex symbol, you know?

Well, and then-- and then she turned around,

and she started doing all these serious Oscar roles,

you know, and then-- and also the activism.

She was going to protests, she was getting arrested,

and then...

and then in the '80s, she just turns around,

she just builds this whole fitness empire.

[laughs]

I mean, yeah, she was all these different things.

She was all these totally opposite things all at once.

She was--she was-- she was--you know,

she was protesting Vietnam and selling workout tapes.

She was being a feminist and a sex object.

People gave her so much shit for it.

"How could you do that? You're such a hypocrite."

But she didn't care.

She didn't give a shit what people thought of her.

You know, that--that--

that's probably the most amazing thing about her.

You know, she didn't worry what people thought.

She never tried to please anybody.

She was just like, "You know what?

"I am this badass, sex bomb, anti-war,

"workout-video-selling actress chick,

and if you got a problem with it, fuck you."

[sighs] What's cooler than that?

That is a great narrative.

[exhales]

Freedom.

Hmm.

Is that how you feel?

Like you have to please people?

Hmm.

It's all I do.

[Cass Elliot's "Make Your Own Kind of Music"]

[soft folk music]

♪ ♪

CASS: ♪ Nobody can tell ya ♪

♪ There's only one song worth singing ♪

♪ They may try and sell ya ♪

♪ 'Cause it hangs them up ♪

♪ To see someone like you ♪

♪ But you've gotta make your own kind of music ♪

♪ Sing your own special song ♪

♪ Make your own kind of music ♪

♪ Even if nobody else sings along ♪

♪ You're gonna be nowhere ♪

♪ The loneliest kind of lonely ♪

♪ It may be rough going ♪

♪ Just to do your thing's ♪

♪ The hardest thing to do ♪

♪ But you've gotta ♪

[shrieking] Tommy!

CASS: ♪ Make your own kind of music ♪

♪ Sing your own special song ♪

Holy shit.

CASS: ♪ Even if nobody else sings along ♪

Life is fucking good.

CASS: ♪ You gotta make your own kind of music ♪

♪ Sing your own special song ♪

♪ Make your own kind of music ♪

♪ Even if nobody else sings along ♪

[VCRs humming]

[Tobi Funaro's "Could It Be That I'm In Love"]

♪ ♪

TOBI: ♪ Why is it I feel this way? ♪

♪ Cannot sleep at night ♪

♪ Could it be that I'm in love ♪

♪ I've lost my appetite ♪

♪ I'm having a school event ♪

♪ Don't know what I should do ♪

♪ Could it be that I'm in love? ♪

♪ My homework I can't do ♪

♪ My head is in a spin ♪

♪ Mixed up as can be ♪

♪ Can't count from one to ten ♪

♪ Please tell me, what have you done to me? ♪

♪ Tried reading a magazine ♪

♪ But they looked the same ♪

♪ Could it be that I'm in love? ♪

♪ Yes, and you're the one to blame ♪