Original subtitles

For most students the weekend

represented two days of fun,

freedom, and in the case of my brother

a chance to ignore all forms of hygiene.

Come on! Come on!

To me however it represented...

An unwelcome break from education.

Whoo! Thank the Lord!

But this wasn't a typical weekend

because this was the weekend

I got to do my parents taxes.

Howdy do, W-2.

Synced & corrected by MaxPayne == https://subscene.com ==

"If you were not covered by retirement plan

but your spouse was, see the worksheet done page14

Try and stop me.

Mom, I was going through our expenditure

and noticed our grocery bills are up 12% compare to last quarter. Any idea why?

Theres a person at the end of table that eats for free

Theres a person at the other end of table

that eats for three.

I've been buying groceries for the church fooddrive.

I think thats it.

Ooh, I bet I could write that off.

Including the gas it took to drive to the grocery store.

And then to the church.

With all that driving, maybe she can count her car as a home office.

Sounds aggressive, but I like how you're thinking.

None of that is necessary, It's for charity.

Whats the point of charity if there is no tax benefits.

Eat your peas.

I like how he's thinking.

You eat your peas, too.

Dad, banking question.

Whats that, buddy?

I noticed theres a check missing

I have a copy of check 128

and a copy of check 130, but 129 wasn't there

Oh, yeah, don't worry about it.

But I enjoy worrying; I find it very relaxing.

Course you do.

I balanced the rest of the account

and it appears to be a check for $300

All right, well, lets just put it down for

for $300 for miscellaneous.

I've never labeled anything miscellaneous in my life.

I'll go ask Mom.

Wait.

I just remembered.

I gave the money to a friend.

- Who? - It doesn't matter who.

Why'd you give it to them?

They needed it. It's... It's like charity.

Ooh, another write-off, excellent.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

What do you say we keep this quiet.

You mean like a secret?

No, no, just, you know, something between you and me.

What about Mom?

Mom is on a need-to-know basis.

What if Mom needs to know?

Okay, its a secret.

Just trust me.

It is better for everyone if she doesn't know about this.

But I'm not good at keeping secrets.

Its not hard. Just keep your mouth shut.

But I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut.

Sheldon, all you got to do is be cool.

Be cool.

He might as well have asked me to fly around backyard

- Good night, baby. - Night, Mama.

- Love you. - Love you, too.

Oh, hello.

I was just brushing my teeth like I do every night.

Nothing new there.

You all right?

Yes. I'm cool.

I'm very cool.

Tell Sheldon what cool means.

Hush.

Sweet dreams.

Love you.

Love you, too, because you're my mom.

You're so weird.

More than usual?

No, I guess not.

Perfect.

To avoid looking suspicious

I tried to interact with my mom as little as possible.

Thankfully, its rude to speak with your mouthful

You look tired, baby. Sleep okay?

Mm-hmm.

So how big a tax refund you think we're gonna get?

Mm.

- Mornin. - Mornin.

I slept in the nude last night.

Felt every little breeze.

Thank you for sharing that.

You're welcome.

- Fight, you cowards, fight! - You fight, Skeletor.

Mare! You've got any batteries?

Look in the drawer by the refrigerator.

There was only so much food I could eat

so I started avoiding my mother whenever possible.

What're you doing in there?

Keeping our secret.

You got to pull it together.

This is me pulling it together.

- Pull harder. - Find em?

Yeah. Got them, Thanks!

You're very welcome. Hey! Have you notice...

Anything off with Sheldon?

Uh, no, no, no... Why?

He's been awful quiet, and, at the risk of being delicate

he's gone several days without a bowl movement.

How do you know that?

Well, I was worried about him,

so I took a look in his potty journal.

He's still keeping that thing.

Oh, yeah, thats why he wanted the polaroid camera.

Uh, well, I'm sure he's gonna be fine.

Uh, but I'll keep an eye on him.

- Thank you. - You got it.

- Shes gone. - Thank you.

Batteries are in this drawer.

We got a problem.

I don't know how much longer Sheldon can hold it out?

This is why I did not want you to write a check.

Well, I'm sorry, I don't have

that kind of cash lying around.

I do not want Mary to find out about this.

Well, what about Sheldon?

The kid hasn't pooped in days, he might pop!

Slip a little Metamucil into his apple juice, he'll be fine.

Why don't we just come clean?

All right, sure, we could do that.

You could rat me out to Marry and

I could tell her what you did at the church picnic

Come on.

Now you're just playing dirty.

We sink or swim together, George.

We sink or swim together.

Grandmas are supposed to be nice.

What went wrong with you?

Avoiding my mother in our own house

was proving to be difficult,

so it was time to get creative.

Hello. I'd like to book a room in your hotel.

I'd be arriving tonight.

No, its just me.

Ooh, a queen bed, that sounds fancy.

And how much would this room cost?

Wow. Is that per month?

Per day?

By any chance, do you have childrens rate?

We've been friends for a while now. Haven't we?

I suppose so.

Given that, how would you feel about a sleepover.

Sure. Your mom wants you to watch Tv.

Jake and the Fatman is on tonight.

I meant we could sleep at your house.

But you'll miss Jake and the Fatman.

Even better. So, what'd you say?

I'll have to ask my mom.

Well, be sure to tell her I'm clean, I'm well behaved

and if you don't have a lot of room

I can fit in really tight spaces.

So your first sleepover.

Pretty exciting, huh?

No. Its not exciting, its constipating...

and I'm only doing it to avoid Mom.

But still, first sleepover. Its fun stuff.

Okay, I know youre having a tough time with this

but... you're doing great.

You spend some time in Tam's house.

You know, clear your head, and come back home refresh

- And then I can tell Mom? - Oh, no, you can never tell Mom.

Wouldn't it be easier to just be honest.

Usually, it would be, but...

sometimes the truth can hurt people.

- We wouldn't want to hurt Mom, right? - Of course not.

Attaboy.

Hey, here's a funny prank you can try... When Tam falls asleep, put some

shaving cream in his hand and then tickle his nose.

Why?

Cause then hell go to, you know, scratch his nose,

and he gets shaving cream on his face.

- And then what? - Well... that-thats it.

But I'm a guest in their home and that doesn't seem like

a very good way to repay their kindness.

Never mind.

And what if the shaving cream gets in his eyes, that would sting.

Sorry I mentioned it.

Also, I didn't bring my own shaving cream I'd have to use his dads,

Forget it!

- Hello. - Hi. You must be Mrs...

Tams mom. I'm Sheldons dad, George Cooper.

- Nice to meet you. - Thanks for letting him spend the night.

Its his first sleepover. He is excited.

Actually, I'm quite apprehens... He's really looking forward to it.

Uh, in case something comes up, just give us a holler.

I mean, a call. If you hollered, we wouldn't hear you.

That-that was a joke.

Okay, buddy, have fun.

Visiting Tam's house for the first time was an emotional rollar-coaster

For example, its traditional in Vietnamese homes

to have gruesome religious iconography near the entrance.

I did not like that.

However, its also customary to not wear shoes around the house

for sanitary reasons.

I did like that.

Interestingly, one of the main ingredients in Vietnamese cooking

is an extremely pungent condiment known as fish sauce.

I did not like that.

But before every meal,

its common for everyone to wash their hands and face

I did like that.

Forks are not customary in Vietnamese household.

I did not like that.

And instead of napkins, there was one towel for everyone to share at the table.

Seriously, what are they thinking!

I cant help thinking, How odd it is

that Shelly volunteered to go on a sleepover.

Oh, I don't know.

- Hmm? - He's growing up.

Its natural for a young boy to wanna spread his wings

a little bit, Try something new.

Thats nonsense.

Last week, I brought home the Raisin Bran with the sugar on Raisins...

He almost lost his mind.

If you ask me, you're worried about nothing.

Maybe its me, maybe I did something to upset him.

What are you talking about? He loves you like crazy.

Much more than he loves this one.

Its true.

I don't know. I just feel like something isn't right.

Mom, I got my hair stuck in my zipper!

Thats the kid you need to be worried about.

Okay, Connie, why wouldn't we just come clean?

No.

You heard her!

Now shes blaming herself.

And Sheldons so upset he's-he's acting like a regular kid.

- All right, lets tell her. - Thank you.

But first I'm gonna tell her what you did at the picnic.

- Oh, Mary! - Okay, okay, shh.

I don't know how much longer we can keep this going.

I'm willing to find out.

So, this game is called Mystic Warlords of...

Its pretty fun.

There are six kinds of Secret warlords.

- Secret warlords. - Its a secret.

Have you noticed anything off with Sheldon!

Something between me and you, Mom is on a need-to-know basis.

I took a little look in his potty journal.

- Its a secret. - Several days without a bowl movement.

- Sheldon. - Secret.

- A secret. - Sheldon!

Did you hear anything I said.

Sorry, I was reliving a traumatic experience.

What do you mean?

Tam, I have a secret thats weighing on me and I need to tell someone.

Okay. Tell me.

But I promised I wouldn't.

Okay. Then don't.

But its driving me crazy.

Too bad youre not Catholic.

You could confess it to a priest.

Thats a great idea.

You're Catholic. I'll confess it to you.

- I'm not a priest. - I'm not a Catholic.

It makes perfect sense.

Okay, whenever you're ready.

- What are you doing? - I'm assuming the position.

Okay.

Forgive me, Tam, for I've sinned.

This is my first confession.

I forgive you, my son.

I was doing my parents taxes and noticed a check was missing.

- I asked my father about it... - As I walked Tam

through the whole sorted affair

I could feel a weight lifting off my shoulders.

It was a relief to finally unburden myself of this deception.

By the time I reached the end, I felt like a new person.

Thats the whole story.

Cool. Can we play now?

And now that my conscience have been cleared

my colon was ready to do the same.

Excuse me. I need to use your bathroom.

Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed.

My father taught me that we must always honor our guest,

and treat them with a utmost courteasy.

The Vietnamese are very welcoming people.

Yeah, that hasn't always worked out for us.

Do you think, your Dad would ever ask you

to keep a secret from your mom?

Oh, no.

He's so honest, its annoying.

Enough talking. Sleep now.

She's just annoying.

Well, you did it.

How was your first sleepover?

They feed you any weird food?

When I was in Nam, we ate fish soup for breakfast.

Sheldon, I'm talking to you.

Well, I'm not talking to you.

Okay, whats going on?

After having my first good night sleep in a week

I woke up with a fresh perspective.

And that is...?

It was irresponsible of you to burden me with that secret.

Sheldon, we've been through this, Okay... Its..

Its complicated.

While I may not look up to you from an intellectual standpoint

I've always looked up to you as a role model.

I can't do that anymore.

And don't worry... we made a deal.

I'll continue to keep our secret.

Hey.

Whats up?

Um, I need to tell you something.

What did you do?

When Sheldon was doing our taxes

he noticed a missing check.

What did you do?

Before I answer, do you trust me enough

to understand it was for a good reason.

And j-just leave it at that?

What did you do?

Its all your mother's fault. She's a bad person. I've been telling you for years.

What did you do?

- Okay, now, before I answer that - Just tell me, what you did?

- I got a DWI. - Mom!

- Its not as bad as it sounds. - How is driving drunk not bad?

- I wasnt exactly driving. - I don't follow.

I was at the dog track with Georgie

and I had a few...

Georgie?

With God as my witness, I've never been to the dog track in life.

She knows.

Oh, I've been there bunch...

Will someone please tell me, what happened?

Okay, me and Meemaw were in the bar at the...

You took him to a bar?

He wasn't drinking.

She had a few... too many margaritas

so I drove us home.

But you don't have a license.

Thats why we swapped places after Cop pulled us over.

- Oh, dear Lord. - I had nothing to do with this part.

- Shut up. - Will do.

I didn't want Georgie to get into trouble,

so I got behind the wheel before the cop popped out...

And then I got arrested, he bailed me out.

So you all thought you should keep this from me.

- Absolutely. - 100%.

Okay, heres whats gonna happen...

You and you are staying at her house

until I say otherwise.

One could argue I was a hero in this story.

You went gambling and you drove without a license

and you lied to my face.

Heroically.

Go.

I love everything about this.

I'm guessing youre mad at me.

Aw, forget about it.

I appreciate you not...

ratting me out about the picnic.

Well, we had a deal.

Besides, your marriage is already hanging by...

It is dangling there.

All right, well, I'm all...

Mmm.

Good night.

Night!

Hello?

Last church picnic, your husband snuck in a six-pack,

....the whole thing

then went to wait in line for the bathroom

Hey.

- You got an extra toothbrush? - Under the sink, darlin.

- Thanks. - You got it.

So then the big gorilla decides he doesn't want to wait in line,

so he stumbles over to the church vegetable garden

and proceeds to irrigate the whole damn thing.

- I've eaten those vegetables. - Sweet dreams.