All language subtitles for Queer.as.Folk.US.S03E06.One.Ring.to.Rule.Them.All.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x264-NTb_track3_eng

- * ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR

* ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX *

* SHAKE IT, DUDE

*

* ONE, TWO, DO IT

*

* ONE, TWO, THREE

- * FOUR, FOUR

*

- SO THERE I WAS,
STARK NAKED,

FREEZING MY TAIL OFF,
SPYING ON BEN.

- WAS HE PLUCKING
HIS MAGIC TWANGER?

- NO, HE HAD A NEEDLE,

AND HE WAS GIVING HIMSELF
A SHOT IN THE ASS.

- THE NUTTY PROFESSOR,
A JUICE PIG?

I AM SO TURNED ON.
HERE, FEEL.

[laughs]
- CUT IT OUT.

I'VE SEEN HIM DO IT TWICE.

I THINK
HE'S DOING STEROIDS.

- FOR THE LIFE OF ME,
I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND

WHY SO MANY GAY MEN
WANT TO FUCK THEIR BODIES UP

WITH DRUGS.
- HE'S ALWAYS AT THE GYM,

HE HAS THESE NASTY MOODS.

- 'ROID RAGE.

WELL, CONSIDER IT
A SMALL PRICE TO PAY

FOR AN AMAZING BODY.

- YOU'RE A BIG FUCKING HELP.
- HI, GUYS!

- SO HOW ARE
THE TWO LOVE BIRDS?

- UH, FREEZING OUR TITS OFF.
- YEAH, WELL,

AT LEAST I WON'T HAVE TO PINCH
MY NIPS TO GET THEM ALL TAUT.

- ALLOW ME.

- OW, GOD!

- CAN YOU BELIEVE THE LINE
TO GET INTO THIS FUCKING DUMP?

- YEAH, IT'S ON ACCOUNT
OF THOSE GUYS WHO OD'D.

- GREAT, SO BECAUSE
SOME IGNORANT AMATEURS

DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT THEY WERE DOING,

THE REST OF US
SHOULD GET PUNISHED.

- YEAH, YOU CAN THANK
YOUR FRIEND, THE CHIEF.

- LET'S GO INSIDE
BEFORE MY DICK GETS FROSTBITE.

- YOU HAVE A GUEST PASS?

- AND ONLY ONE GUEST.

both: ASSHOLE.

- FREEZING MY NIPPLES OFF
OUT HERE.

- [gasps]
- ALL RIGHT, HONEY, YOU CAN GO.

SEE SOME I.D.?

- MM.

- ANY DRUGS?

- WORK THE POCKETS, HONEY.
WORK THE POCKETS.

[men jeering]

- YOU WANT ME
TO WASH YOUR BACK?

- HMM, ANY EXCUSE
TO KEEP YOUR HANDS ON ME.

- [chuckles]

WELL, YOU KNOW, CLEANLINESS
IS NEXT TO HORNINESS.

- MMM.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED,

I KNOW A REALLY COOL GAME
WE CAN PLAY.

IT'S CALLED
"HIDE THE SOAP BAR."

- OH.
both: [laugh]

[phone ringing]

- HELLO?

YEAH?

OH, HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

NO FUCKING WAY.
THAT'S FANTASTIC!

- WHAT?

- PREPARED?
ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'VE BEEN PREPARING
MY WHOLE LIFE.

YEAH, OKAY.

THANKS, MAN.

THAT WAS GLEN.

YOSEF TREBLEK
HAD A TRIPLE BYPASS.

- WHO'S YOSEF TREBLEK?

- THIS--THIS HUNGARIAN
VIOLINIST.

- OH, GOD, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
- NO, NO, NO,

IT'S THE GREATEST NEWS
EVER.

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO PLAY
THE HARRISBURG SYMPHONY,

BUT OBVIOUSLY, HE CAN'T NOW,
SO GLEN SUGGESTED ME,

THE SILVER MEDALIST
FOR THE HEIFETZ COMPETITION,

AS THE LAST-MINUTE
REPLACEMENT,

AND THEY SAID YES!
THEY SAID YES!

- OH, MY GOD,
IT'S YOUR FIRST CONCERT.

- [giggles]

IT'S NOT PHILADELPHIA
OR BOSTON, BUT--

- THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT'S A START.

- OH, GOD.
[moans]

I WISH YOU COULD
BE THERE WITH ME.

- I WISH I COULD TOO.

BUT YOUR AGENT WOULD FLIP OUT
IF I WAS THERE.

- YEAH, I KNOW.

HEY, I WAS, UH...

I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU THIS
WHEN THE PHONE RANG.

I BOUGHT TWO OF THEM.

THEY WEREN'T VERY EXPENSIVE,
BUT THE GUY AT THE STORE

SWORE TO ME THAT THEY WERE
ONE-OF-A-KIND.

AND...

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A WAY
FOR US TO BE TOGETHER,

EVEN WHEN WE'RE APART.

- (TV announcer) CITIZEN,
WAR HERO, COP,

CHIEF OF POLICE.

JIM STOCKWELL: YOU CAN SLEEP
AT NIGHT KNOWING HE'S THE MAYOR.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE
TO ELECT JIM STOCKWELL.

- WELL?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- IF I WANT TO SLEEP AT NIGHT,
I CAN TAKE A XANAX.

OR I COULD WATCH
YOUR AD.

- [clears throat]

- WHAT MY PARTNER MEANS--

- WHAT I MEAN IS,
IT'S FUCKING BORING.

- THAT SPOT WAS MADE
BY ONE OF THE BEST AGENCIES

IN THE STATE.
- 96% OF THE TEST GROUP

WE SHOWED IT TO
REACTED FAVORABLY.

- WHO WERE THEY,
INSOMNIACS?

- OUR LOYAL SUPPORTERS.

- WELL, YOU'VE ALREADY GOT
THEIR VOTE.

WHAT ABOUT THE VOTERS
WHO ARE UNDECIDED,

OR THE ONES WHO WOULDN'T
CAST A BALLOT

FOR A LAW AND ORDER
CANDIDATE?

YOU HAVE TO PULL THEM INTO YOUR
CAMP IF YOU WANT TO WIN.

AND THERE IS
NO WAY IN HELL

YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT
WITH THAT.

- I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE
A BETTER PLAN?

- DO YOU WORK OUT?

- FOUR TIMES A WEEK,
RELIGIOUSLY.

- ANY SPORTS?
- GOLF, SWIMMING, BASKETBALL.

- HOBBIES?

- BUILD MODEL AIRPLANES.

- NO SHIT?

I DID THAT
WHEN I WAS A KID.

YOU TOO?
- SURE, WHO DIDN'T?

BUT WHAT'S THE, UM--
- WHAT'S THE POINT?

THE POINT IS,
I CAN RELATE TO IT,

EVERYONE CAN.

BUT WHO THE HELL'S GONNA RELATE
TO SOME STIFF IN A UNIFORM?

- BRIAN, TAKE IT EASY.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T MIND THE TRUTH.

EVEN IF YOU USE IT
LIKE AN ASSAULT WEAPON.

SO...
WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?

- CHANGE YOUR IMAGE.

STOP SELLING YOURSELF
AS A HERO

AND START SELLING YOURSELF
AS A MAN.

- THAT'S IT?
- AN ORDINARY MAN,

WITH THE SAME CARES
AND CONCERNS AS EVERYONE ELSE.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS,
YOU'RE IN A POSITION

TO ACTUALLY
DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

- LOOK, I KNOW I CAME TO YOU
FOR SOME FRESH IDEAS.

HOWEVER,
IT'S A RADICAL CHANGE

FROM THE CAMPAIGN
WE'VE BEEN RUNNING.

- TOO RADICAL.

- WELL, IT'S YOUR CALL,

BUT WITH THE WAY
THINGS ARE GOING,

I'D SAY YOU HAVE
NOTHING TO LOSE...

EXCEPT FOR THE ELECTION.

- SEE NOW, THIS SHADE
OF APRICOT FOR THE WALLS

IS CALLING OUT
FOR A PLUM CARPET,

WHICH PRACTICALLY SCREAMS
FOR THE RASPBERRY COUCH

WITH THE PEACH CUSHIONS.

- YEAH, I KNEW I SHOULD'VE
GOTTEN THE FRUIT COBBLER.

[snickers]
- ISN'T IT A BIT EXTREME?

FOR EMMETT,
I'D SAY IT'S A BIT SUBDUED.

- EXCUSE ME?

- YOU'RE MOVING INTO A DIFFERENT
KIND OF NEIGHBORHOOD.

IT'S NOT THE GAY GHETTO.
IT'S A BEDROOM COMMUNITY.

- THERE'S A DIFFERENCE?
- YES,

IT'S MORE TRADITIONAL,
MORE RESERVED.

SO MAYBE YOU WANT
TO CHANGE YOUR STYLE,

LOSE THE STREISAND POSTERS.

- THE MAIN EVENT
WAS GOING IN THE ENTRY.

- THE SLAVE BOY LAMPS?

- IT'S GOING ON THE BAR,
RIGHT?

- YOU JUST WANT TO THINK
ABOUT FITTING IN,

RATHER THAN STANDING OUT.

- THINK OUR HOUSE.

- YOUR HOUSE?
AM I TO BELIEVE

I'M ACTUALLY
GETTING DECORATOR TIPS

FROM LESBIANS?

- LOOK, THIS IS
EMMETT'S PROJECT, RIGHT?

HE'S GOT CARTE BLANCHE
TO DO WHATEVER HE WANTS

WITH THE HOUSE.
STREISAND, PLUMS, KUMQUATS.

IF THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS,
THEN THAT'S WHAT IT'LL BE.

ALL RIGHT?
- HAVE FUN.

- GOOD LUCK.

- HMM, HMM.

- BY THE WAY,
YOU DIDN'T HEAR IT FROM ME,

AND I DIDN'T HEAR IT
FROM MY COP BOYFRIEND,

BUT THERE'S
A CERTAIN POLICE CHIEF

WHO WANTS TO BE MAYOR
WHO'S TRYING TO GET

SOME ATTENTION FOR HIMSELF
BY GOING AFTER BUSINESSES

THAT PANDER TO,
SHALL WE SAY--

- PRURIENT INTERESTS?

- I WAS GONNA SAY
WEB-WHACKERS.

- WELL, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ME, DEB.

I RUN A CLEAN OPERATION.

- [scoffs]
TEDDY IS IMMACULATE.

HE EVEN RINSES OUT HIS UNDERWEAR
BEFORE HE PUTS THEM

IN THE LAUNDRY.
[laughs]

- HONEY,
IF THEY WANT TO,

THEY CAN ALWAYS
FIND SOMETHING.

- WELL, THANKS
FOR THE HEADS-UP, DEB.

- WELL, DON'T THANK ME...

THANK
"BENEDICT ARNOLD" KINNEY.

HE'S THE ONE WORKING
FOR THE ENEMY.

- NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.

I'LL HAVE
A SPLIT-PEA SOUP TO GO.

- JUSTIN, A SPLIT-PEA.

AND FEEL FREE
TO PISS IN IT.

- YOU SHOULD REALLY LEARN
TO SEPARATE

YOUR PERSONAL FEELINGS
FROM BUSINESS, DEB.

- IT'S THREE BUCKS.

- WHERE'D YOU GET
THE RING?

- ETHAN.

[cash register dings]

- HOW ROMANTIC.

- FUCK-ALL YOU'D KNOW
ABOUT ROMANCE.

- KEEP IT.
- THAT'S A BIG TIP.

- MAYBE YOU COULD BUY HIM
SOME FLOWERS.

I'M SURE
HE'D LIKE THAT.

[closes cash register drawer]

- [hums]

- ARE YOU HAVING
AN INTERNET AFFAIR, MICHAEL?

HMM?

YOU HAVE BEEN ON THAT
A LONG TIME.

[growls]

- DOING SOME RESEARCH.
- [grunts]

[printer whirring]

WORK?

- FOR YOU.

- ME?

STEROIDS?

- I SAW YOU.

- SAW ME WHAT?
- SHOOTING UP.

SO UNLESS YOU'VE SUDDENLY
BECOME A HEROIN ADDICT,

I FIGURED
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

- MICHAEL,
ARE YOU SPYING ON ME?

- SPYING ON YOU?

WE LIVE TOGETHER.
HOW CAN I NOT NOTICE?

- WELL, A LOT OF GUYS
ARE USING THEM, OKAY?

TO FIGHT BODY WASTING.

- YOU'RE NOT WASTING.

- YET.

- DID YOUR DOCTOR
PRESCRIBE THEM?

- NO.

- WELL, THEN
WHERE DID YOU GET THEM?

- WHAT IS THIS,
AN INTERROGATION?

- I'M JUST CONCERNED,
THAT'S ALL.

IT SAYS THERE ARE
A LOT OF SIDE EFFECTS.

MOOD SWINGS, DIARRHEA,
LIVER DAMAGE--

- YEAH, I'M AWARE OF
THE POTENTIAL SIDE EFFECTS,

MICHAEL, I HAVE DONE
MY RESEARCH TOO.

- WELL, THEN, WE SHOULD'VE
AT LEAST TALKED IT OVER.

- LOOK...

I'M JUST TRYING A CYCLE,
OKAY?

SEE IF IT MAKES
ANY DIFFERENCE.

AND SO FAR, THE ADVANTAGES
ARE BEATING THE DISADVANTAGES.

HUH?
[grunts]

[growls]

HMM? YEAH? HUH?

UGH, UGH.

HUH? HUH?

IT'S NOT TOO BAD, HUH?

- IT'S FINE.

- [whispering]
HOW ABOUT THAT?

- NICE.

OH, DON'T TELL ME
IT WORKS ON THAT TOO.

- MMM.

- HEY, OVER HERE!

IN THE CLEAR!
IN THE CLEAR!

- GET ON HIM, GET ON HIM,
GET ON HIM!

- OKAY, GOT IT.

[men cheering]
- GOOD SHOT.

OKAY, TAKE IT OUT.

[grunts]
- YEAH!

- YOU'RE GUARDING.
MOVE A LITTLE BIT, RIGHT THERE.

- STAY ON HIM,
STAY ON HIM.

- OKAY, LAY-UPS, GUYS.

I'M JIM STOCKWELL,

POLICE CHIEF AND COACH
OF MY SON'S BASKETBALL TEAM.

THERE WAS A TIME WHEN YOU COULD
SEND YOUR KIDS TO THE PARK.

BEFORE SEX AND DRUGS
WERE AVAILABLE

ON EVERY STREET CORNER.

AS A CRIME FIGHTER
AND A PARENT,

I'D LIKE TO SEE
THOSE TIMES AGAIN.

I KNOW YOU WOULD TOO.

VOTE FOR ME FOR MAYOR,

AND LET'S MAKE PITTSBURGH
FAMILY-FRIENDLY ONCE MORE.

- AND CUT.

- KEEP ROLLING, KEEP ROLLING,
KEEP ROLLING.

- [breathing heavily]

HOW WAS THAT?

- THAT WAS GREAT.

- GREAT.
- DID YOU GET THAT?

- YEP, I GOT IT.

- THANKS.

- HOW WAS THAT?

- IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER,
I'D SWEAR YOU WERE TOM CRUISE.

[men chatter]

- FREEZE IN THE BACKGROUND.
THIS IS SOUND ONLY.

- AND--
- THIS IS SOUND ONLY.

- EVERYONE HAVE
VALID I.D.s?

all: YES, SIR!

- MM-HMM.

ANY CONVICTED FELONS?

all: NO, SIR!

- MM-HMM.

ANY ILLEGAL DRUGS
ON THE PREMISES?

all: NO, SIR!

- EXCELLENT.

ALL RIGHT.
BACK TO WORK.

all: YES, SIR!
- OH, AND, UH,

KEEP IT CLEAN.
all: YES, SIR!

- I MEAN, YEAH,
KEEP IT DIRTY BUT--

all: YES, SIR!

[sighs] FIRE ALARMS,
SPRINKLER SYSTEMS,

HANDICAPPED RAMP,
TOILETS.

- ALL UP TO CODE,
MR. SCHMIDT.

- ANY RODENTS OR PESTS
ON THE PREMISES?

- ONLY THE HUMAN KIND,
MR. SCHMIDT.

- ALL RULES AND REGULATIONS
THE CORRECT SIZE

AND CLEARLY POSTED?
- MEASURED TO THE INCH.

JUST LIKE YOUR JERKERS,
MR. SCHMIDT.

- WELL THEN, EDDIE,

I'D SAY WE HAVE
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

EVERY DETAIL HAS BEEN CHECKED
AND RE-CHECKED.

LET 'EM COME AND INSPECT.

WE, AT TEDDY'S WHACK-SHACK,
ARE READY FOR THEM.

[men moaning]

- SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT
YOUR FIRST CONCERT APPEARANCE?

SCARED, CONFIDENT,
EXCITED?

- DEFINITELY
ALL OF THE ABOVE.

- YOU KNOW, IT'S QUITE
A REMARKABLE ACHIEVEMENT

FOR SOMEONE SO YOUNG,
AND OBVIOUSLY, SO GIFTED

TO HAVE
SUCH SUDDEN SUCCESS.

I UNDERSTAND
THAT UNTIL RECENTLY,

YOU WERE PERFORMING
ON STREET CORNERS?

- WELL,
YOU GOTTA PAY THE RENT.

- [laughs]

[door opening]

- WHAT'S UP?

- THIS IS JUSTIN, MY COUSIN,
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND, DAPHNE.

THEY LIKE TO USE THE APARTMENT
SOMETIMES WHEN I'M NOT HERE.

HEY, GUYS,
THIS IS ALEXA SCOTT,

SHE'S, UH, INTERVIEWING ME
FOR THE PAPER.

- RIGHT.

- SO...

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
COME BACK ANOTHER TIME?

- SURE.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

COME ON, DAPH.

- SORRY
ABOUT THE INTERRUPTION.

- OH.
JUST A COUPLE MORE QUESTIONS.

DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?

- I'D PREFER
NOT TO TALK ABOUT THAT.

- OH.
THAT USUALLY MEANS YES.

- [laughs]
- [laughs]

- "GIRLFRIEND"?
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

- HIS AGENT DOESN'T WANT ANYONE
TO KNOW HE'S GAY.

HE THINKS IT COULD
HURT HIS CAREER.

- WHO GIVES A SHIT
WHO A VIOLINIST IS FUCKING?

- DON'T ASK ME.

I AGREED
TO GO ALONG WITH IT.

- YOU KNOW,
BRIAN MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN

EVERYTHING YOU WANTED
IN A BOYFRIEND,

BUT AT LEAST HE NEVER
ASKED YOU TO LIE.

- HE DIDN'T HAVE HIS ENTIRE
FUTURE CAREER AT STAKE.

- SO YOU'RE GOING TO BE
HIS COUSIN?

LIKE ANYONE'S DUMB ENOUGH
TO BELIEVE THAT.

- NO ONE'S GOING TO KNOW.

- JUSTIN,
YOU ALMOST DIED COMING OUT.

HOW COULD YOU
GO BACK IN FOR ANYONE?

- I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
- BUT IT'S FUCKING UNFAIR OF HIM

TO MAKE YOU PRETEND YOU'RE
SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE NOT.

- I SAID I DIDN'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT IT,

SO WOULD YOU MIND
YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS?

- CAN YOU BELIEVE THOSE DYKES
TELLING US

HOW WE SHOULD
DECORATE OUR HOUSE?

DON'T THEY REALIZE LAURA ASHLEY
WENT OUT WITH ROTARY PHONES?

- NOW, NOW.
SHOW A LITTLE COMPASSION.

I MEAN, THEY CAN'T HELP IT
IF THEY'RE DESIGN-CHALLENGED.

- IT WOULD
LOOK STUNNING HERE.

- WHAT WOULD?

- A CHAIR AND OTTOMAN

UPHOLSTERED IN DYED
BLUEBERRY OSTRICH-SKIN.

- [chuckles]
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- BRINGS OUT YOUR EYES.
- HMM.

AH, IT'S--
IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE, SO--

- WHO CARES ABOUT COST?

THIS ISN'T AN INVESTMENT,
IT'S A HOME.

IT'S OUR HOME.
- HMM.

THIS MUST BE A FAIRY TALE
'CAUSE I MARRIED A PRINCE.

both: [chuckle]

- OH, WHOOPS!
[chuckles]

SORRY, GUYS.

I'M JUST HERE TO REPORT,

THE HOUSE INSPECTOR'S
DOING JUST FINE.

NO MAJOR PROBLEMS SO FAR,
KNOCK WOOD.

[knocking at the door]

WELL.

both: [chuckle]

- HI, I'M SUNNY,
SUNNY REED.

ACTUALLY, IT'S "SUSANNA,"
BUT EVER SINCE I WAS A BABY,

THEY CALLED ME SUNNY,
I GUESS

JUST BECAUSE I ALWAYS HAVE
THE SUNNIEST SMILE ON MY FACE.

- OH, I-I'M JENNIFER.

EVER SINCE I WAS A BABY,
THEY'VE CALLED ME JENNIFER.

- WELL, WELCOME
TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

I JUST KNOW YOU'RE
GOING TO LOVE IT HERE.

- OH, THANKS.
I'M JUST THE REALTOR,

I'M NOT THE NEW OWNER.
- THAT'D BE ME, TED SCHMIDT.

- OH, HI, TED!
SUNNY, SUNNY REED.

MY HUSBAND AND I
JUST LIVE NEXT DOOR.

WELCOME
TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

I BROUGHT YOU
A CARAMEL CAKE.

I'M FAMOUS
FOR MY CARAMEL CAKE.

BUT DON'T WORRY, TED, I'LL SHARE
THE RECIPE WITH MRS. SCHMIDT.

WHERE IS MRS. SCHMIDT?

- THAT'D BE ME.

- THEN YOU'RE--

- THAT'D BE US.

- WELL, ISN'T THAT
INTERESTING?

WELL, I JUST KNOW YOU'RE GONNA
LOVE IT HERE, EVERYBODY DOES.

WE JUST HAVE THE BEST SCHOOLS
AND CHURCHES,

AND EVERYBODY BABYSITS AND
LOOKS OUT FOR EACH OTHER'S KIDS.

- WELL, THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A VERY FRIENDLY GROUP OF PEOPLE,

DOESN'T IT, GUYS?

- VERY.
- FRIENDLY.

- IN FACT, IT'S A TRADITION
THAT WE HOST A COCKTAIL PARTY

FOR OUR NEW ARRIVALS.
NOTHING FORMAL,

JUST A LITTLE "HI, WELCOME TO
THE NEIGHBORHOOD" KIND OF THING.

SO HOW'S FRIDAY AT AROUND 6:00,
JUST RIGHT NEXT DOOR?

- WELL, THANK YOU,
SUNNY.

- SUCH A LOVELY HOUSE.

THE HARRISES, THEY JUST HAD
THE MOST EXQUISITE TASTE.

EARLY AMERICAN FURNITURE
AND ORIENTAL RUGS.

WELL, I SHOULD GO.
[laughs]

OH, YOUR CAKE!
- OH.

all: [laugh]

- OH!
SEE YOU FRIDAY.

[giggles]
- SEE YOU FRIDAY.

- GOOD-BYE, SUNNY.
- BYE.

- TOODLES.
- THANKS.

THERE YOU GO,
MRS. SCHMIDT.

- JEN SAID
THAT TED AND EMMETT'S NEW HOUSE

HAS TONS OF CURB APPEAL.

- LIKE YOU.
- OH.

- ALTHOUGH WHY THOSE TWO
WOULD WANT TO LIVE

AROUND A BUNCH OF BREEDERS
IS BEYOND ME.

- A LOT OF US ARE
MOVING ON UP THESE DAYS.

- I'LL TAKE
LIBERTY AVENUE.

- OH.
OH, SHIT!

- WHAT?

- MY GOOD RING
JUST FELL BEHIND THE FRIDGE.

- YOUR "GOOD RING"?

- YEAH, THE ONE I GOT
ON THE TV SHOW.

- FROM THE JOAN RIVERS
COLLECTION?

- AND DON'T SAY
A FUCKING THING AGAINST HER.

- [laughs]
- I LIKE THAT SHE'S GOT

A BIG, DIRTY MOUTH
THAT GETS HER IN TROUBLE.

- I WONDER WHY.

- SOMEONE GIVE ME A HAND.

- WHAT--MA, WAIT.

- SOMEONE GIVE ME A HAND HERE.
- OH, COME--

DEBBIE, DEBBIE.
DEBBIE, DEBBIE, DEBBIE.

- OH, LET ME DO THAT,
ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE GONNA HURT
YOURSELF.

[grunting]

ALL RIGHT.

- YOU SEE IT?

- U-U-UMM...

THIS?
- YES!

both: [laugh]

- OH, MY HERO.

[chuckles]

OH, NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL
A REAL MAN.

- MWAH.
- WE COULD'VE DONE THE SAME.

- YEAH,
WITH A FORKLIFT.

[laughter]

- OH, YEAH.

- THANK YOU.
- OKAY.

OKAY, I BETTER GO
WASH MY HANDS.

- HAS BEN ACTUALLY GOTTEN BIGGER
SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM?

- YEAH, WELL, HE'S BEEN
WORKING OUT A LOT LATELY.

- AND IT SHOWS.
- HMM.

WHAT'S HIS SECRET?

- YOU KNOW, PROTEIN SHAKES,
LOW-CARB DIET, STUFF LIKE THAT.

- DOES "STUFF LIKE THAT"
INCLUDE STEROIDS?

- IS THAT WHAT HE'S DOING?

- HE SAYS IT PREVENTS WASTING.
- WASTING?

HE'S BUILT
LIKE A BRICK SHITHOUSE.

- THE STUFF IS POISON.

FOR ONE THING, IT MAKES YOU
MEANER THAN CAT PISS.

AND FOR ANOTHER--
- FOR ANOTHER,

IT'S NONE OF YOUR CONCERN.

IF THAT'S WHAT BEN NEEDS TO DO
TO STAY ALIVE AND HEALTHY,

THEN THAT'S ALL
THAT MATTERS.

- CAN'T ARGUE THAT...

IF THAT'S
THE ONLY REASON.

[ethereal music

- I'M JIM STOCKWELL,

POLICE CHIEF AND COACH
OF MY SON'S BASKETBALL TEAM.

THERE WAS A TIME WHEN YOU COULD
SEND YOUR KIDS TO THE PARK,

BEFORE SEX AND DRUGS
WERE AVAILABLE ON EVERY CORNER.

AS A CRIME FIGHTER
AND A PARENT,

I'D LIKE TO SEE THOSE TIMES
AGAIN.

I KNOW YOU WOULD TOO.

VOTE FOR ME FOR MAYOR,

AND LET'S MAKE PITTSBURGH
FAMILY-FRIENDLY ONCE MORE.

*

[music ends]

- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.

- IT'S A MUSIC VIDEO,
NOT A CAMPAIGN ADVERTISEMENT.

- THERE'S NO WAY
WE'RE GOING TO RUN THAT.

- IT'S PRACTICALLY OBSCENE,
REVEALING HIS BODY

LIKE SOME SORT
OF SEX OBJECT.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK
SELLS CORN FLAKES?

- THERE IS A STRATEGY
BEHIND ALL THIS:

WHEN WE'LL AIR THE SPOT,
ON WHICH PROGRAMS.

- THOSE WITH A STRONG
FEMALE DEMOGRAPHIC, AGES 18-34.

- ALL RIGHT, DO IT.

- JIM, YOU CAN'T--
- BUT IF YOU TURN ME

INTO A JOKE...

I'LL FUCKING HAVE
YOUR BALLS.

- IF HE TURNS YOU
INTO A JOKE,

I'LL FUCKING GIVE THEM
TO YOU.

- [chuckles]

[hair dryer humming]

- EM?

- HI, HON,
I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

- THE NEW TRAVIATA
JUST CAME OUT.

CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR IT.

- OH, YEAH?

- [laughs]

- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

- WELL, YOU PLANNING
ON GOING STRAIGHT AGAIN,

OR IS THIS SOME KIND OF BIZARRO
CROSS-DRESSING PRACTICE

YOU ENGAGE IN
WHEN I'M NOT AROUND?

- I WAS JUST
PUTTING TOGETHER AN OUTFIT

FOR THE NEIGHBOR'S PARTY.

- WELL, YOU'LL FIT RIGHT IN.
[chuckles]

- OH, OH,
AND CHECK THIS OUT.

IT'S MY NEW COLOR SCHEME
FOR THE LIVING ROOM.

MOCHA WALLS,
CHOCOLATE MOHAIR COUCH,

AND, UM, CHARCOAL
TWEED CLUB CHAIRS.

- IT'S...VERY SMART,
VERY SOPHISTICATED,

BUT NOT VERY YOU.
I MEAN,

WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE PLUM CARPET,

THE RASPBERRY SOFA, THE...
CASABA MELON PILLOWS?

- PEACH.
- OH.

- WELL, I...
I HATE TO ADMIT IT,

BUT YOU KNOW,
MAYBE MEL AND LINZ WERE RIGHT.

IT WAS TOO FRUITY.

- UH-HUH. SO INSTEAD,
WE GET ASSIMILATIONIST BEIGE,

BLEND-RIGHT-IN BROWN,
AND MAKE-NO-WAVES GREY.

- I JUST FIGURED THAT SINCE
WE'RE LEAVING LIBERTY AVENUE,

MAYBE IT WAS TIME WE LEFT
CERTAIN OTHER THINGS BEHIND TOO.

- LIKE OUR COLOR SCHEME
AND OUR SELF-RESPECT?

I MEAN, WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO "FUCK 'EM ALL" HONEYCUTT?

- BACK IN HAZELHURST,

I USED TO LOOK UP
AT THOSE HOUSES ON THE HILL,

YOU KNOW, WHERE
THE RIGHT PEOPLE LIVED?

AND DREAM THAT ONE DAY,
I WOULD LIVE THERE TOO.

AND NOW THAT MY DREAM
IS FINALLY COMING TRUE, I...

JUST, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE
THINKING TH--

- THAT WE'RE THE FAGS
NEXT DOOR?

WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA BE
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO,

AND IF THEY DON'T SAY IT
TO OUR FACE,

THEY'LL SAY IT
BEHIND OUR BACKS.

WAIT THERE.

THIS IS WHAT
THE WELL-DRESSED QUEER

WILL BE WEARING
ON FRIDAY NIGHT.

- I LOVE THAT SHIRT.
ISN'T IT SO CUTE?

[indistinct chatter]

- PERFECT.
- ALL RIGHT, MAN.

- THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.

LATER.

- I DIDN'T SEE YOU.

- GUESS NOT.
[sniffs]

- YOU DON'T USUALLY WORK OUT
THIS TIME OF DAY, DO YOU?

- NOT USUALLY.

- LOOK,
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

- I THINK
IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I THINK.

MICHAEL TOLD ME HE WAS
GOING TO TALK TO YOU.

- HUH.
YEAH, WELL HE DID,

AND HE UNDERSTANDS.

- [chuckles]

WELL, THAT'S MICHAEL,
ALWAYS UNDERSTANDING.

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?

- IF IT WAS JUST YOU,
I WOULD.

AS MY DEAR OLD DAD
USED TO SAY,

YOU'RE THREE TIMES SEVEN.

BUT IT'S NOT JUST YOU.

YOU'RE TAKING HIM DOWN
WITH YOU.

- I DO NOT NEED
TO BE LECTURED

BY THE BIGGEST WHORE
IN PITTSBURGH.

YOU ARE FUCKING LUCKY
YOU'RE NOT POSITIVE.

- [grunts]

- YOU ALL RIGHT?

- SURE.

- REALLY?

IT WAS THE INTERVIEW.

- NO.
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THAT.

[chuckles]
DAPHNE WAS

PRETTY PISSED OFF,
THOUGH.

PASSING ME OFF AS YOUR COUSIN.
- WELL, COME ON.

I HAD TO THINK OF SOMETHING.
- MM.

IS THIS HOW IT'S GOING TO BE
FROM NOW ON?

LYING, PLAYING GAMES.

NOW YOU'RE GOING AWAY.

- TO HARRISBURG
FOR ONE NIGHT.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING
ON A WORLD TOUR.

- THAT'S NEXT.
- I WISH.

LOOK.

WHO KNOWS WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?
- MM.

- I COULD BOMB,
AND THAT'LL BE THE END OF IT.

BUT IF THIS WORKS,

WE COULD HAVE
THIS AMAZING LIFE.

I WAS THINKING,
WE COULD BUY A FARMHOUSE,

WITH A STUDIO
AND A PRACTICE ROOM.

- YOU DREAM BIG.
- WHY NOT?

DOESN'T COST ANYTHING.

- GOD,
YOU'RE SUCH A ROMANTIC.

- I HATE THAT YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BE THERE WITH ME.

- NOT AS MUCH AS ME.

- HOW AM I GOING TO PERFORM
WITHOUT MY MUSE?

- [chuckles]
YOU'LL DO FINE.

BESIDES, YOU ALWAYS SAID
I WAS DISTRACTING.

- DON'T YOU KNOW I WAS PLAYING
JUST FOR YOU?

- [chuckles]

- YOU'RE NOT READY.

WELL, COME ON.
GET DRESSED.

YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS
ALL THAT HOT, MALE ACTION.

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?

- THIS.

- HOW'D YOU GET THAT?

WHAT, DID ONE OF YOUR
SEX PARTNERS GET CARRIED AWAY?

- NO, ONE OF YOURS.

YOUR BOYFRIEND PRACTICALLY
STUFFED ME INTO A LOCKER.

- WHAT?
HOW COME?

- WELL,
IT SEEMS I SAID SOMETHING

ABOUT HIS STEROID USE
HE TOOK OBJECTION TO.

- WHY'D YOU SAY ANYTHING
AT ALL?

- UM...

BECAUSE IT'S UNDIGNIFIED
FOR A UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR

AND NOT-SO-BEST-SELLING
AUTHOR

TO BE SEEN MAKING DRUG DEALS
IN A LOCKER ROOM.

- YOU SAW HIM?
- YEAH.

AND NOW, I'LL BE FORCED
TO SIT AT HOME,

NOT WEARING MY MOST FABULOUS
NEW SLEEVELESS SHIRT TO BABYLON.

- I'M REALLY SORRY.
- YEAH, LIKE THAT MAKES UP

FOR THE FACT THAT I'LL BE
SCARRED FOR LIFE.

- WELL, YOU CAN TELL PEOPLE
YOU GOT IT DUELING.

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
TALK TO HIM.

- I DID.

HE SAID IT'S SOMETHING
HE NEEDS TO DO.

- [scoffs]
BEN NEEDS MORE MUSCLES

LIKE I NEED
ANOTHER COCK.

- HE SAID HE'S AWARE
OF THE SIDE EFFECTS.

- LIKE PRACTICALLY MURDERING
HIS LOVER'S BEST FRIEND?

WELL, IF YOU'RE COOL
WITH SLEEPING

WITH YOUR EYES OPEN
AND A HATCHET UNDER YOUR PILLOW,

THAT'S YOUR BUSINESS.

JUST KEEP HIM
THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.

- OKAY,
I GOT MY RENTED TUX,

MY TRAIN TICKET.

MISHA.

OKAY, I GUESS
THAT'S EVERYTHING.

EXCEPT YOU.

- IT'S OKAY.
YOU'LL BE BACK TOMORROW.

- I LOVE "STIFF UPPER LIP"
GOOD-BYES.

SO, MRS. MINIVER.
- WHO'S SHE?

- IT'S FROM AN OLD MOVIE.
DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?

- I'M AN IDIOT.
- AW, SHUT UP.

- CAREFUL.

THERE MIGHT BE PAPARAZZI
LURKING ON THE ROOFTOPS.

- FUCK 'EM.

- LOOK!

[laughter and jeering]

- [laughs]

I'LL BE THINKING ABOUT YOU
EVERY STEP OF THE WAY,

WISHING YOU WERE THERE.
- ME TOO.

- YOU WILL BE.
- OH, GOD.

- WHAT A CORNBALL.

- IT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME.

- THIS IS AMAZING,
JUST AMAZING.

- YOU'VE GONE UP EIGHT POINTS
IN THE POLLS.

- THERE WAS EVEN AN EDITORIAL
IN THE PAPER THIS MORNING.

- GOOD OR BAD?
- IT WAS MIXED.

- DOESN'T MATTER, AS LONG
AS THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU.

- AND ALL SINCE YOUR
COMMERCIALS AIRED.

- ALL THOSE YEARS OF SIT-UPS
FINALLY PAID OFF.

- UH, WE'VE BEEN GETTING CALLS
ABOUT IT ALL MORNING.

- I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW,
I HAD EVERY FAITH IN YOU.

- NO, YOU DIDN'T.

BUT YOU TOOK A CHANCE
ANYWAY.

- SO UH...

WHAT'S OUR RESIDENT GENIUS
HAVE IN MIND NOW?

- [on TV] I'M JIM STOCKWELL,

POLICE CHIEF, AND COACH
OF MY SON'S BASKETBALL TEAM.

THERE WAS A TIME--

- KEEP YOUR FACE
IN THE NEWS.

I'LL KEEP YOUR FACE
ON THE SCREEN.

- AVAILABLE
ON EVERY CORNER.

AS A CRIME FIGHTER
AND A PARENT--

- [scoffs]
COME ON.

WE'RE THE GUESTS OF HONOR.
IT'S RUDE TO BE LATE.

- MY INTUITION TELLS ME THINGS
ARE NOT GONNA GO WELL TONIGHT.

- WELL, YOUR INTUITION
ALSO TOLD YOU MADONNA

WAS GOING TO WIN THE OSCAR
FOR EVITA, SO.

- SHE SO DESERVED IT.

- [sighs]
LOOK, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS

IN THERE TONIGHT,
JUST REMEMBER,

THIS IS WHAT PRIDE
IS ALL ABOUT.

WHY OUR FOREFATHERS
AND FORE--

DRAG QUEENS STOOD THEIR GROUND
AT STONEWALL.

SO THAT WE COULD BUY A HOUSE
IN A NEIGHBORHOOD LIKE THIS.

[indistinct chatter
and laughter]

- OH, THERE YOU TWO ARE.
COME ON IN!

OHH!
[giggles]

OH, MY GOODNESS,
LOOK AT THAT.

I CAN'T WEAR PASTELS,
THEY MAKE ME LOOK SO DUMPY,

BUT YOU GAYS
CAN WEAR ANYTHING.

SUCH BEAUTIFUL BODIES.

YOU PUT OUR HUSBANDS
TO SHAME!

SPEAKING OF THE DEVIL,
MY HUSBAND, DENNIS.

DEN, OUR NEW NEIGHBORS,
FRED AND EMILE.

- IT'S TED.
- AH.

- EMMETT.
both: [laugh]

- GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.
WE KNOW YOU BOYS PROBABLY

HAVE A LOT MORE EXCITING THINGS
TO DO ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.

- WELL, ACTUALLY--
- THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW

ABOUT KILLER CROTCH NIGHT
AT BABYLON.

- HOW ABOUT A DRINK?

- I WOULD GIVE
MY LEFT TIT--

I MEAN, MY LEFT ARM,
FOR A--FOR A COSMO.

- EVERYBODY!
- WHATEVER.

THESE ARE THE BOYS
WHO BOUGHT THE HARRIS HOUSE.

[women squealing]

- HI!
I'M DEDE AND THIS IS PHIL.

WE LIVE ACROSS THE STREET.
- HI.

- WELL, SUNNY HAS TOLD US
ALL ABOUT YOU.

YOU KNOW,
OUR FAVORITE TV SHOW

IS THAT GAY DRAMA, UH,
WHAT'S IT CALLED?

- "GAY AS"--UH, SOMETHING.
- OH.

- GAY AS BLAZES?
- THAT'S IT!

OH, WE LOVE
THE CHARACTERS.

YOU KNOW, GAY PEOPLE HAVE
THE SAME PROBLEMS THAT WE DO.

- ISN'T IT AMAZING?
- YEAH.

- [laughs]

WE'RE THE MAYERHOFFS.

- HI.
- YOU MUST COME

TO THE SCHOOL MUSICAL.
- HI.

- WE'RE DOING MAME, AND
OUR 12-YEAR-OLD OLIVIA IS MAME.

- OH?
- NOT UNTIL THEY COME

TO MY HOUSE FOR DINNER.

I HAVE A COUSIN
WHO'S A LESBIAN.

- BIG DEAL.
MY BROTHER IS A TRANNY.

- WHAT THE HELL'S THAT?

- SOME PEOPLE ARE
SO IGNORANT, AREN'T THEY?

A TRANSSEXUAL.
RIGHT, GUYS?

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S--
- YEAH, IT'S--IT'S--

- THAT'S RIGHT, T-T-TRANNY.
- IT'S WHAT WE CALL 'EM.

- DRINKS?
- TRAN--[chuckles]

OH.
- OH. THANK YOU, DENNIS.

all: CHEERS! CHEERS!

[laughter]

- WELCOME.
- HERE'S TO OUR NEW NEIGHBORS.

- HAPPY HOME-OWNING!
[giggling]

- SO WHAT DID YOU THINK?

[clapping]

I GUESS IT WAS GOOD.

- JUST TERRIFIC.
- THANK YOU.

- WHAT A THRILLING
PERFORMANCE.

AND YOU WERE
SO PASSIONATE.

- I TEND TO GET INVOLVED
WITH WHAT I'M PLAYING.

- AND TO STEP IN LIKE THAT,
AT THE LAST MINUTE.

MOST IMPRESSIVE.

- IT WAS A PRIVILEGE
TO PERFORM, SIR, THANK YOU.

- WELL DONE.

- YOU PLAY YOUR ADMIRERS
ALMOST AS WELL AS YOUR VIOLIN.

- I DIDN'T WORK STREET CORNERS
FOR NOTHING.

- WELL DONE, MR. GOLD.

- NEXT TIME,
WE GET A TUX THAT FITS.

- YOU MEAN THERE'S ACTUALLY
GONNA BE A NEXT TIME?

- I SPOKE
WITH THE BUFFALO SYMPHONY.

THEY WANT TO INCLUDE YOU

IN THEIR
"EMERGING ARTISTS SERIES."

- NO SHIT!
- MR. GOLD?

WONDERFUL.
- THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- WONDERFUL.

- I'LL CALL YOU
WHEN I GET BACK TO NEW YORK

WITH THE DETAILS,
OKAY?

[classical music playing]

*

[indistinct chatter]

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

*

[music fades]

- COCKTAIL FRANK?

- UH, IT'S TED.

[laughter]

THANK YOU, SUNNY.

- WHAT LINE ARE YOU IN, EMMETT?
- COCKTAIL FRANK?

- I-I WORK AT A SMALL
GENTLEMAN'S HABERDASHERY

ON LIBERTY AVENUE.
- HMM.

- OH, THE GAY STREET!
- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

- COCKTAIL FRANK?
- NO, THANK YOU.

- BUT WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO
IS BE A PARTY PLANNER.

- MAYBE YOU COULD HELP PLAN
MY HOLIDAY PARTY.

- AND MINE!

- OH, AND MINE!

- OH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT!

- AH!
[laughter]

- AND YOUR INTUITION TOLD YOU
TONIGHT WOULD BE A DISASTER.

[doorbell chimes]

[laughter]
- SO SWEET!

- CAN I HELP YOU, OFFICERS?
IS SOMEONE DOUBLE-PARKED?

- WE WERE TOLD WE MIGHT FIND
A THEODORE SCHMIDT HERE, MA'AM.

- HIS OFFICE
GAVE US THIS ADDRESS.

- OUR NEW NEIGHBOR.
HE'S RIGHT IN HERE.

[party chatter]

- THEODORE SCHMIDT?

- OH, WHAT--
- YEAH, THAT'S, UH, RIGHT.

CAN I--CAN I HELP YOU,
OFFICERS?

- YOU'RE UNDER ARREST,
MR. SCHMIDT.

- ARREST?
- FOR WHAT?

- CONTRIBUTING
TO THE DELINQUENCY OF A MINOR.

- THAT'S VERY FLATTERING,
OFFICER,

I KNOW I LOOK WAY YOUNGER
THAN MY YEARS, BUT--

- AN INSPECTION
OF YOUR PORNOGRAPHIC WEBSITE

ESTABLISHMENT
FOUND AN UNDERAGE EMPLOYEE

ON YOUR PREMISES.

- [scoffs]
NO, THAT--THAT'S ABSURD.

I CHECKED AND DOUBLE-CHECKED
EVERYONE.

THERE ARE
NO UNDERAGE EMPLOYEES.

[quiet chatter]

- WHAT ABOUT
EDWARD STEWART MALONE?

- EDDIE,
H-HE'S MY ASSISTANT.

- HE WON'T BE 18
FOR ANOTHER THREE MONTHS.

- GOOD LORD.
[gasps]

- EDDIE'S 21!

- NOT ACCORDING
TO HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

- B-BUT, HE'S SO TALL.
YOU--

- WANT TO COME ALONG?

OFFICER NORTON HERE
WILL READ YOU THE MIRANDA.

- EM--

- UH, UH, UH,
TH-THANK YOU, SUNNY,

THANK YOU, DENNIS, UM...

WELL, EVERYONE,
AS SOON AS WE GET MOVED IN,

WE'RE GOING...HAVE
A-A-A BIG OL' BARBECUE.

AND YOU'RE...

YOU'RE ALL INVITED, SO.

- OH, GOODNESS,
HOW EMBARRASSING.

OH, YOU JUST NEVER KNOW
ABOUT PEOPLE.

- [retching]

[moaning]

[retching]

[spitting]

[toilet flushing]

OH.
[coughs]

- CAN I DO ANYTHING?
- UGH.

[water splashing]

- [sighs]

MMM.

MUST BE SOMETHING I ATE.
- OR THE STEROIDS.

- WE ALREADY HAD
THAT CONVERSATION.

- IT'S FUCKING YOU UP.
- IT IS NOT FUCKING ME UP.

- YEAH, IT IS,
AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT!

CHRIST,
YOU EVEN HIT BRIAN.

- I DID NOT HIT HIM!
- WELL, SHOVED HIM,

MADE HIM BLEED,
WHATEVER,

BUT YOU CAN'T JUST
GO AROUND SHOVING PEOPLE

AND ACTING ALL CRAZY.

- OH, NOW I'M CRAZY?
YEAH, FUCK YOU!

- YOU'RE NOT CRAZY.
IT'S JUST...

SOMETIMES,
YOU ACT THAT WAY.

- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
ANYTHING.

- UNDERSTAND WHAT?

- WHAT IT'S LIKE TO
WAKE UP EVERY MORNING

AND REMEMBER, "OH YEAH,
I'VE GOT THIS THING."

BECAUSE YOU DON'T
HAVE THIS THING.

YOU NEVER HAVE TO TAKE
A MOUTHFUL OF MEDS,

NEVER KNOWING
WHEN THEY'LL STOP WORKING,

NEVER KNOWING
WHEN A FUCKING COUGH

OR A FUCKING SNIFFLE
MAY LAND YOU IN THE HOSPITAL,

BECAUSE TO YOU, MICHAEL,

IT IS JUST A FUCKING COUGH
OR A FUCKING SNIFFLE!

AND EVERY TIME I GO TO KISS YOU
OR SUCK YOU OR FUCK YOU,

EVEN WHEN WE'RE PROTECTED,
EVEN THEN, THERE IS STILL

THIS SHITTY,
NAGGING DOUBT THAT MAYBE,

JUST MAYBE,
YOU COULD GET INFECTED.

SOMETIMES I JUST THINK--
- WHAT?

SOMETIMES
YOU JUST THINK WHAT?

- THAT IT MIGHT JUST BE EASIER
TO BE WITH SOMEONE

WHO'S POSITIVE.

[door closing]

- [sniffs]

[sad music]

*

- * SEPARATION WITHOUT A BREAK

*

* CATATONIC BUT STILL AWAKE

*

* FROZEN OVER

* BUT STILL THERE'S ASHES
BURNING WITH DESIRE *

*

* WALK AMONG THE RUINS

* WALK AMONG THE DEAD

- BUY YOU ANOTHER ONE?

- NO THANKS.

* WALK AMONG THE VICTIMS

- WHERE'S YOUR FIANCE?

- HE'S PLAYING SOMEWHERE.

- WELL, LUCKILY,
YOU HAVE THIS.

* UNHOOK ME

SEE YA.

* UNHOOK ME

*

* UNHOOK ME

*

* UNHOOK ME

*

* UNHOOK ME

*

* UNHOOK ME

*

* UNHOOK ME

*

* WALK AMONG THE RUINS

*

* WALK AMONG THE DEAD

*

* WALK AMONG THE VICTIMS

*

* OF THE GAMES
INSIDE YOUR HEAD *

*

* UNHOOK ME

*

* UNHOOK ME

*

* UNHOOK ME

*

* UNHOOK ME

*